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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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I

---I am a talented person. Everyone says that. I never tried seriously. If I tried and found out I'm not so talented, I'd actually feel relieved of not having a great responsibility that comes with a great power, you know. My biggest problem then is confidence. With confidence, I'll go anywhere. Or no, but I won't feel guilty about it. Confidence it is. 

I personally struggled with this too. People especially my Family always told me that I was so brigth, talented and intelligent. While Support is great it can be crippling trying to live up to a Version of yourself that was created by such compliments. I actually never believed it on a deeper level and this hurt my confidence. Because I neve dared to test if this assumptions about me were right. I did never go in the Arena and actually tried my hardest with the risk of failing. I more or the less jsut did what live demanded from me (finish School with an average which woudl allow me to go to University,play a Instrument aslong my parents insisted on it, etc.).

This is one of the main things I learned from commiting to not gaming. Even if you fail it is always better if you seriously tried as if you never put you heart into it. If you fail you can learn from it or get atleast a better insight about where you stand right now. This failures are the Fundament to any improvement. If you jsut train your skills without testing them seriously  you evolve on a pretty superficial Level. Nearly every great success is build on a dozen failures. That's why I try to actually chase failures right now. I try to do things which seems to be in reach or only a little out of reach, do my  best and still fail.

So my conclusion was it doesn't matter if I am talented or not. I have the obligation to do the best I can at things that matter to me. This is the important part. The bad/good results are only a guidepost towards my goals.

Edited by WorkInProgress

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 @WorkInProgress Didn't I answer you? Damn, I really procrastinated here. I lost the habit of posting, sorry. But yes, I agree with you. In the end is action and results what define us, specially in the face of others. 

 

Since being rejected for going to Ireland I was pretty lost. I think I was a bit depressed despite myself (and my pride).However I've been able to finish small tasks one by one, so it's not a complete stall. Now I just need a BIG LEAP.

That means daring to do what I know that I have to do. Uh. But I will in some days. Trust me. I will.

I'll bring back good news soon.

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Have you heard about 7 Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brendon? I really recommend this book, because as I remember one of the pillar is self-awareness.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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@hycniejsy Instead of just letting your recommendation sink into the void, I seized the opportunity to make a wish-list in Amazon with the main books that everyone comment here again and again, including this one of course. I expect a shitload of self-help material coming in my direction in the next days. Thank you! ;)

------

I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings. Also made papers from previous travel that will allow me to reimburse a nice sum of money (enough to pay some courses, gym monthly fees, whatever I decide, not much but absolutely welcomed). This productivity compensates my frustration from this morning. I was pissed off because I took Flan to the vet for his surgery and I wasn't there at the supposed hour, which I consider was absolutely not my fault. No, that's not true. It's my fault because I should have called and get the hour right by myself instead of depending on my mother, the one who called to make the appointment after I insisted many times in that she should do it instead of me.

Each day that passes she makes more and more clear that she's not here to provide with any kind of commodity, help, service or advantage beyond cold hard cash from her endless work (because emotional support is completely out of the question at this point). Fine enough, time for myself to start stretching those wings and consider seriously the next stage of my life, without her and her financial helping hand. Cold but necessary, this comfort zone is simply unacceptably big.

I say this because I find really terrifying the idea of just going outside, even for a walk and not even mention to do things (and I'm also really uncomfortable with phone calls). It takes all of my willpower to step out into the street, and many times I don't make it. Is it because my body refuses to abandon the comfyness of home? Is it because I fear that external movement will lead to internal movement, change, and therefore implicitly the inevitability of the passing of time (which by the way is passing anyway regardless of my actions)? You might see this as stupid. Remember that my biggest fear in life is life itself, so it makes sense to me. Making sense is the first step towards fixing it, but I'm only slightly more sure than before about how. I will consider therapy when there are no more options, but I think I'll come up with something before that. I really hope so, because [insert politically incorrect opinion about therapists].

 

Note to myself: Schedule when, motherfucker? It's almost a meme now.

Almost.

Edited by Hitaru

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Thanks for the translation! Really appreciate it. You went to a new country, you can leave your house. You are capable of much more than you give yourself credit for!

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I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings.

Hey, which video it is? I'll watch it just to improve my Spanish :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings.

Hey, which video it is? I'll watch it just to improve my Spanish :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

The first of many, my friend!

-----

Shitty, checked out week.

Enough of the bad news. Today was the first call with Cam in the Beyond program. It's simply amazing. I had heard about most of the things we discussed before, even translated some of them in Respawn, but it's astonishing, the difference in impact that can make things just read or watched in a generic youtube episode than things said directly to YOU. The same things! I always distrusted "coaches" and the sort, and yes many of them are still charlatans, but I think today was a great breakthrough and the beggining of something important, even if I still don't know what it is. But probably, the first step towards that BIG thing I mentioned before. I can't wait to keep going, a sensation I have not felt in a really long time. 

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Enough of the bad news. Today was the first call with Cam in the Beyond program. It's simply amazing. I had heard about most of the things we discussed before, even translated some of them in Respawn, but it's astonishing, the difference in impact that can make things just read or watched in a generic youtube episode than things said directly to YOU. The same things! I always distrusted "coaches" and the sort, and yes many of them are still charlatans, but I think today was a great breakthrough and the beggining of something important, even if I still don't know what it is. But probably, the first step towards that BIG thing I mentioned before. I can't wait to keep going, a sensation I have not felt in a really long time. 

Stoked to have you in the program brother!

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I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings.

Hey, which video it is? I'll watch it just to improve my Spanish :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

The first of many, my friend!

Hmm... I aksed for the title, mi amigo!

Anyways, good luck on beyond.

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@hycniejsy Well well, leave it to the impatient ones...! Here you are mate: "How to Quit Playing Video Games in 60 Seconds" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0DGBfnPpxY

(I warn you though, is not a 100% literal transliteration, I'm quite proud of it, I think I was able to grasp the concept without skipping info and keeping with Cam shiny-star-induced speed :D)

-------

Good day yesterday! I didn't do anything special, just go to an appointment (bad news, my teeth are a mess orthodontically speaking), hang out with a friend and pay the first fee of the gym (now I'm financially committed, gasp). I had my first Beyond-related Skype call with @Mhyrion (a self-confessed reader of this journal, heh), and we reached some useful insights. My mood is not the best, but things seem to be going fine. I should learn to take it easy(er) and let life just flow. It will flow anyway, one way or another. 

For today, I was (and still am) delaying going to pilates and my first gym session, but I have plenty time to repent, around one hour or so. In a curious example of pasive positive procrastination, I checked on my options for the English exams. I finally learned what IELTS and TOEFL are! (and discarded them for unless I want to study or work big dollar abroad). I decided to buy the official manuals for C2 in a whim and assess my level from that point. The clever decision is to start studying beyond my level *as if* I was preparing for C2 instead of C1, and then see my real options when the time to apply arrives. In other words, being overprepared for the safest option. Geez I'm so cheeky and smart.

[I'm-suddenly-spending-so-much-money-omfg.gif]

Edited by Hitaru

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Good day yesterday as well. I skipped all the evening sleeping, but made lots of things in the morning. Now I'm procrastinating again, but after this post I should begin my new day. I already ate a healthy breakfast so the most annoying thing of the morning ritual has been dealt with. I also purchased some pills for my anxiety-induced stomach unrest, so that should not be a problem or excuse anymore. 

I called to a good academy specialised in public service exams. Apparently the next calling for Armed Forces is comming really soon. I don't have any kind of confidence that I could enter this time but there's hope that there will be a second*. Worst case scenario, I wait for next year and meanwhile deploy Plan B, travel the world and get life experience. All this in preparation of turning 25 in 3 years and "make time" until being able to apply for university without high-school.

Normally, there are two callings for Armed Forces entrance exam each year, but this time the first was severely delayed for an unknown reason. That has happened two more times, one of them saw the second calling cancelled, so there's a 50% chance. The exams are only issued in case of high demand... but there's always high demand (or rather, really few places). They consist in a medical and psychological evaluation, physical and psychotechnical exams.

Those psychotechnicals are... dreadful. Or so I though! I did a casual first sample test with real randomized questions and got this results:

- Aptitudes:

1. Verbal - 11/15

2. Spatial - 8/15

3. Perceptical - 7/15

4. Numerical - 0/15 (I skipped this part)

5. Mechanical - 6/15 (I don't know the theory, I'm surprised)

6. Memory - 8/15

7. Abstract reasoning - 9/15 (Seriously? These ones didn't make any sense, I was expecting to have like 3 or so)

So either I'm really lucky or have some sort of hidden talent :ph34r:. However that's the limit of my skill, I'll need assistance and teachers to help me get this through. 

Do I want to get this through?

I can't help to think it's just a chronicle of a death foretold. I don't see myse

 

No, scratch that. 

 

I'm scared to commit. That's the plain truth. I'm foolish enough to think I actually have something to lose. Hah! I mean, if I take the leap, I will have plenty to lose. I don't want to be discharged with dishonor, that wouldn't be a subjective opinion like dropping a course, but an official stain in my profile that would last forever. That's why, if I take the step, it's all or nothing. I think it's time to apply some Cam lessons here:

- Do I think this is what I have to do? Yes. My mother doesn't (I tentatively discussed the option), but I do. Come on, me, it's just two years, what's the worst could happen (besides war and a gruesome death, which strangely enough doesn't bother me). Yes yes sure, you have so many alternatives. Come on man, what are you doing with them? I'll tell you what, fucking nothing that's what you're doing. Stop behaving as if you were making a mistake, keep doing nothing is the damn mistake. 

So this is the plan. Eat well, exercise, study in secret, pass the examinations and one happy day, announce it to my mother with one foot already at the doorstep. Why announce something that might not work at all, only to receive discouragement? Harsh but practical.

I can't help but think I'm straying away from my original goal of becoming an actor. But when I was in that I couldn't help but think I was straying from my original goal of being a politician. AND when I was in that I couldn't HELP but THINK that I was straying from my original goal of being a translator/writer. You know my honest opinion? I could do all that in one lifetime. But for fucks sake I need to start with something, ANYTHING. My lack of discipline is disturbing.

To Hell with it. I'll begin to listen to that little voice in my head all cocksure crazy and self-assured. Usually when that happens some people start saying things like "arrogant" and stuff. But... they are not me. And look where we ended by trying to make everyone contented. No, no, it simply doesn't work. My mistake was double: trying to make people understand me and trying to live according their expectations. Now I know better. If I don't say anything, I could for all reason have the most selfish motives (if that was true to begin with), but people would only see things getting done. There's a difference between sharing your experience and the feelings that led you there, and mere justification. If someone wants to know, I'll be happy to discuss with them, as I'd wanted to have a helping hand in my times of need. But enough doormat-ing.

I wrote this before... ¬¬ Maybe the thousandth time is the charm guys.

Edited by Hitaru

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 My lack of discipline is disturbing

You have to build it amigo, there's no other way.

Do you follow your goals everyday and write + if you do this and - when not? I strongly recommend that, because this way my discipline upgraded A LOT, when me and @Piotr started to do this on weekly basis as a sum up of daily basis of checking goals.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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 My lack of discipline is disturbing

You have to build it amigo, there's no other way.

Do you follow your goals everyday and write + if you do this and - when not? I strongly recommend that, because this way my discipline upgraded A LOT, when me and @Piotr started to do this on weekly basis as a sum up of daily basis of checking goals.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

I write down my goals for the day in a list and cross them, but I need more consistency.

 

-------

Not much to tell since these days have been basically failures, but I purchased "A Man's Search for Meaning" and I'm currently reading it. Also, Beyond group call in a bit, it will be good.

It's been so, so long since I read anything, and with such enthusiasm. Curiously enough, I feel related not to the examples of success the doctor points out, but the failures. I imagine myself being one of those prisoners in a hostile, unforgiving world, having abandoned all hope and lost in a pointless quest for rationalization and comfort. After all, isn't life a prison? There's no getting out of here alive, and, same as prisoners beaten up by foremans, we will receive the eventual punch, kick or perhaps torture by chaotic, unforeseeable forces. Frankl describes 3 stages in the psyche of a prisoner. I can see myself pictured in an uncanningly accurate way as part of the first mindset. I guess there's only one way forward, advance towards the second. Dull my feelings of dread with short and middle-term purpose. Will liberation come someday? Ah, who knows, that's well beyond my scope. Heh, it's not like no one else ever has ever asked the same thing, right? Welcome to Humanity.

Good mood despite the bittersweet realizations. With the positive energy of the call and possibly extra feedback of some professional online counseling I recently entered, I have good expectations for the upcoming week. Let's not jinx it, gents.

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A steep hill ahead, but surviving. So much to do, habits to be installed. I won't say anything yet to prevent my brain from getting the reward, but things are rolling so far.

Vets keep leaving, and since I don't check on the newbies my journal gets lonely, heh. Well, a price to pay for having to put the focus on myself the time being. I just hope to return in full force soon, a new, better, more helping Hitaru. Small steps.

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BEYOND side notes #1:

After 3+ weeks of consistent research on my moods (with the help of an app called Daylio) I think I made a first breakthrough. I discovered my natural pattern is a cycle of 2 good days followed by a cycle of 2-3 indifferent days. I'm tempted to say bad days, but I'm currently experiencing my first funk since I started keeping a record, so I discovered the hard way that it can go worse. I'm currently faring just slightly better, slowly. Also, there's been a lot of good little things with the power to brighten me, such as good tasting food or my cat being all lovey-dovey that I wasn't aware of before. I was expecting a terrible result and in fact I discovered I'm much happier, statistically speaking, than I first thought! That's encouraging, to be honest. I'm also more aware of the time, the lot of time I spend doing nothing, but it's the price to pay, and pay it will do in the future. 

All the emotional work and inner reflection we're doing is also starting to show off. I feel more connected with my friends (my family is probably beyond salvation -_-) and I'm much more in tune with my feelings.

[I'm currently researching something in this regard, something I wasn't expecting when I first started the program, but it's ultra-secret until I have more tangible results. But it involves human interaction. With potentially several test subjects. Thrilling!]

It's been a while since I made one of these, so here we go:

I'm grateful for:

1. @Mhyrion. Love ya sis!
2. The confidence my theatre background provided me. I want to delve more into that.
3. My family, despite everything. They are not bad, our values are just too different.
4. Being able to eat what I want, whenever I want, with a bad time digesting as my only limit. I might have been binging on obese people documentaries a bit too much.

There's this one program aired in my regional TV channel in the format of a light-hearted competition (not extreme, japanese tear-jerking challenge tier), that is quite cool, participants work in teams (they're mostly good friends or families) and share their lives to show the challenges of losing a lot of weight. The hosts are a team made of a fitness coach, a psychologist, two nutritionist and a renowned cook, and they share plenty of advice and myth debunking about food and dieting, focusing on mediterranean diet (well obviously). That one is awesome, I wish you could see it so you could stop talking all that gibberish about those weird diets you follow in America and the north of Europe. They air it on Sunday night, so I can spend some family quality time watching it, that's a plus.

5. Having commited to go to the gym. I lost my momentum when I felt sick and right after I felt into this funk, but I'm itching to return.
6. A dear friend feeling better about his life lately.
7. The people that, despite my tendency towards isolation, still want to reach to me.
8. The opportunity that @Cam Adair gave me accepting me in Beyond, and his endless support thus far. I'm also grateful and happy for your recent gigs on TV, awesome job man!
8.1. The trust Cam still bestows upon me, despite all my half-promises, my many faults and unreliability and that I'm taking so fucking long to recover and get a life running. The guy must have seen something truly special on me or he must be in awful shortage of spaniards. Probably both. :/
9. This community, and relishing on the fact that a sort of generational relief happened without everything falling down to pieces... yet. Go new people!
10. Being closer towards reaching my goal of finding my goals, one day at a time. I might sound restless these times, but it's just because I feel I'm grazing it with my nails.

Extra: Being able to think on a list of gratefulness without much problem. Normally I couldn't have been able to think about more than 3 items.

Edited by Hitaru

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>gossiping about me in my own journal

Welcome back @Marquess!

IS THAT A YES

hi

(Fun how often do I get the top of the next page in your journal. I'm starting to believe it's a skill.)

Edited by Marquess

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