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Destoroyah's Meltdown


destoroyah
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Welcome to my meltdown.

Welcome to my death.

Welcome to the girlie girlie journal-esque documentation of my time spent without videogames.

Have a seat, feel right at home.

Disclaimer: None of this is to be taken by its word, writing to me is just an exercise. If I am texting running and screaming - i might just be doing yoga.

 

 

ENTRY #1 - DAY 2:

Have you ever been to the Alcoholics Anonymous? Well... don't. Self help environments remind me of Fight Club. Constantly occurring motivational thoughts like "What is this shit?!", "Think of all the bullshit you get to leave behind.".

There is no future. No fucking world to be saved. Atheism and eternal nothingness - the cold truth. Name it what you will, but once you learn to embrace it, you can let go of fear. You don't need to be anybody and you don't need to accomplish anything. Anything you do is by choice. You can thus stand up for all the fuck ups you done. There is no "but he said", "It's not my fault", you are here because you chose to breathe. You're here, because your organism has chosen to exist for a couple of decades, and you might as well make the best of it. Every cell in your body is part of this project. Don't deny yourself, your bad traits are your best. No one gives a shit if you live or die, the thought of loneliness makes for a good lullaby.

Dear Journal,

Was that me? Or was that my body writing? Spooky. Maybe I'm possessed. Brutal! That'd be so cool!!

Anyways... I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES.I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES.

I don't even have a NES, wtf. This shit is whack. My addiction is like a retarded kid on a leash that I can't get rid of. Addictions have always been like that. You have to "wait it out" until they starve. Some scream and kick. Some have comebacks. Some break free. Some are unpredictable. Some are very quiet. But you always need to be prepared - even if the leash doesn't get tugged - and all of them start to stink at some point. Some are also a big mess to clean up afterwards. Addictions... I collect them in my basement, because people predict that I keep them in my closet.

Not playing videogames, that seems sorta drastic. Am I surrendering to society by playing, or am I surrendering to society by quitting? And would that even matter? Hm, there are still some lurking hind thoughts in me, in order to persevere it is crucial I clear them up. For now it'll suffice having them checkmated with the initial momentum of doing something unusual, but that won't last forever. Fighting addictions is like fighting yourself. The funny thing is... you are a different person everyday, so you can lay traps if you are strategic. This addiction is a special one, a new challenge. It poses no immediate threat and quitting seems easy in the short term - but it will be a test of endurance. Luckily I was wise enough to hide my stuff somewhere, so setting up a console would take me 5 seconds instead of... 2. GREAT. Nothing can go wrong. I'm in this! Hit me!

I really need to find alternative things to do. I got sports, that bridges a lot, I can cook and clean and... yea... I've done as much as I should of that and now I'm just writing girlie texts. Shit. The new me I already despise. What's next? Poetry?!

I'm not kidding. I have 4 canvases here and about a liter of acrylic paint. Maybe I should put on a pink dress and a wig. Fuck this shit. Quitting beer and smoking was already so UNCOOL, and now this!! Hargh! My brain hurts. I have been writing too much. Let's hope I don't need to, ever again.

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Hey I wrote last week about how journalling helped me after I had the pretty same mindset towards journalling. It could be itneresting to you.http://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/3403-weekly-experiments/

Poetry would be awesome if I could do it :D You coudl write "manly" rock Songs. Are there any activities which seemed to be itneressting but never followed through with because you was gaming? Now is the time to dust that old guitar/(insert your Thing) off and get to work. Don't learn the flute though. Don't be that guy.

 

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Thanks for reading guys. I'll check your journals out tonight.

When pasting stuff, it all turns cursive, that is so whack!

 

ENTRY #2 - DAY 3:

The sameness, I must break it.

I have begun teaching myself a new keyboard layout. While listening to thrash metal. How's that for Hyper stimulation, Brain-Bitch??

It feels like an alternate dimension... but the music is still KICKASS!! I don't mind the fire everywhere, it's cool.

I got some plans, but I should keep quiet, else I turn into an "all-talk-no-do". Else someone might take my ideas and I’ll turn into an “I-thought-of-that-first”. I dislike them both, stick to your words, and if your words are too heavy to carry out, then shut the fuck up and try.

Ya, that’s some nice boasting there, bet you don’t always practice what you preach!! Hahaha, loser. I hate your kind.

?! What in the &%$§@!? Just leave me alone, okay? I’m progressing. You are just a demon, you know nothing of the pains of being human!!

Nanny-Nanny-Boo-Boo! Get the fuck over it, douchebag. You aren’t cool, not today, not tomorrow and not in a hundred years – believe me, I’ve been there.

I must not give in. The concept of “cool” is just a synonym for “being paralyzed in fear, but pretending to be unmoved”. You are nothing. Just a trend, a cliché, a stamp, a monument of angst, a failed attempt at adaption, a disavowal of needing to grow the fuck out of your shat boxers!!

Whoa, easy there white-knighter, if you think your shit don’t stink, you’re no better.

Fuck it.

Yea, that’s your answer to everything, Mr. Lebowski, you should tattoo it on your forehead!

*Sigh* What to do with my newly freed time… I don’t have the balls to do shit.

Feeling sorry for yourself always helps. You martyr, you fucking sorry-ass narcissist. No one gives a shit.

I need to harden up.

Yea talk some sense into yourself in a pornorrific manner!

Yo, make some space, think of the people that might actually read this.

They are just reflections, their echoes cannot save you from me. Hahaha. I don’t care what they think!!!

Today I managed nothing. That’s okay, adapting is a full-time job. I just need to hibernate some while, in a state where I am free of judgement and guilt. Rearrange my mind, converse with my demons.

Once I’m thru the ruff, I’ll feel like Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man. I’ll learn how to knit, while everyone else will know how to build bombs and shit.

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY 3 - DAY 4:

Managing to keep busy. Not really getting to work yet, but okay - I'll need some time to adapt. I dreamt of gaming today, weird... My keyboard is still screwing me, but I hope by creating this additional turmoil I can change the manner in which I interact with computers.

A sentence like that takes forever though. I constantly have a screenshot open, the new layout on display - to teach myself not to look, but I still look. Getting faster though.

If I am good enough tomorrow evening, I'll bring my keyboard to work on Friday. I hope they don't kick me out for being a fuckin' whacko!

Fucking hipster!

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ENTRY 4 - DAY 6:

GAARRRRR!! I'm on Fire! I don't wanna socialize, I wanna punch people in the face and FUCK! My energy is too condensed, too primitive for this society. The superficial fakeness... A day at work was enough to unleash the beast in my skull. My eye is twitching, my brain feels like pudding in a high inertia drift. The voodoo is taking effect, but there is no more room for nails in my puppets and more than enough mana to spend. The earth is trembling, a tsunami is building up and I'm busy constructing nuclear reactors.

I'm so mad at this world!!

Nothing too unusual, all in all.

I'm consistently inconsistent. My psychological integrity is just a mockup.

Loneliness... I need to learn how to listen, but my patience...

TELL ME SOMETHING NEW, all these words a deja vu!!

Quit talking the talk.

Walk the walk. Undercurrents, undertow, might suck you in melancholic drown.

Hate hate hate..

The unending breath!! HAAARRR!

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ENTRY 6 - DAY 10:

 

The winds are opposing me with force

and if they weren’t there?

 

I’d fall over because I’m busy bracing against them.

 

I’d explode if I wasn’t under pressure.

 

Eternal nothingness is on my side. 

Infinite potential.

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Hey, looks like you can deal with your cravings and urges so far.

Busy can help, like Cameron said, but also, don't start giving too much work into everything.

I felt into that trap and it stopped me from doing anything.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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ENTRY 7 - DAY 12:

My heart feels like the big bang...

...like when we used to hit the bong.

Unity.

 

Maybe I should really write lyrics... but I'm always missing that final pinch of goodness, I rarely rhyme and my flow is odd.

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I am pretty sure that you first need to write crappy songs to be able to write good songs. That's the way life usually works. Just take action and see where it leads you.

Edited by WorkInProgress
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ENTRY 8 - DAY 14:

Today I was indeed destoroyah. Started that paper I procrastinated about for 2 months and burned it. Totally destroyed it. Thought it was due today, just to notice it's due on the 31st.

 

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ENTRY 9 - DAY 15:

Cut me some slack. Stress stress everywhere, you push back in one front and three new fronts open in the rear. My life feels like a bucket of water too heavy to carry. There's holes everywhere, ya fix 2 and 3 new ones pop open. I'm not grown into this shit, leave me alone. Always nudging me. "Help me help me", "Do this better", "Work harder", "That's your problem" - that's what other people seem to say. Never help me. Only look me up, when they want something done. Not that I'm particularly good at getting anything done, I'm just the bitch who'll do it.

I don't feel so well today... I'm growing tired of this shit. My poor heart wasn't made for this. Living seems so much harder than dying... eternal slumber, I can't wait to.

Ach. But I still got some outstanding issues. Some open calculations, some things to prove. I'll never surrender! Villains don't die.

 

I'll smoke their shit in a pipe,

my ashes will extinguish their eyesight.

When I'm spotted on the horizon,

Fire is what you boycotted mufakkaz be baptized in.

Destoroyah will destroy ya,

You better call your lawyer.

Shooting laserbeams,

While you're faceplanted on YouTube streams,

Watching lets plays,

of a sucka playing kerbal space-,

-program,

Your parents should've used a diaphragm.

When they conceived you,

They wouldn't be so displeased now.

Fuck practice,

We'll just hack the matrix.

 

 

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY 10 - DAY 16:

You go down.

Today I was lied to. I was thinking on how to handle it. I've decided not to. I know I should confront and play judge, if I were the man I should be, and I might someday, but right now I'm caught in my own problems. And accusing people via WhatsApp is not my style, only in a face to face conversation can I save things. I don't want to save things though, Integrity is a fragile thing. A glance can destroy it.

It kind of hurts, I guess, as I surround myself with few I deem friends. Getting betrayed by those few will not help me be a more sociable and trusting person, but I shouldn't care. I can take the hit, I just don't hit back because I know: you go down.

I'm not here to educate you. I shouldn't attempt to teach anything, everytime I have - shit hit me like a boomerang.

 

Today I dreamt of being in a crypt, skeletons climbing out of coffins everywhere. I was meant to be scared but I was busy thinking about the loot. The drops they'd have up for me once I've crushed them.

Gaming is creeping silently in my room. I need to keep aware.

 

Also I caught a cold. Bad timing. Exams coming up, I need 110%... I'll hide in my room whenever I can.

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Hello!

 

Also I caught a cold. Bad timing. Exams coming up, I need 110%... I'll hide in my room whenever I can.

That worked as a trigger for me when I got flu last time. Keep that in mind and avoid it at all cost.

If you feel tired, go to sleep instead of wasting your time on the Internet/video games.

If you feel bored, same. Or find any other activity as a substitute to deal with cravings. For me it could be reading a fiction or playing a guitar. What are yours?

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I picked up drawing on a wacom tablet, just in time! Also I'm switching over to a trackball mouse and teaching myself typing on Dvorak - still. I am overencumbered. But yea, gaming still creeps sometimes, when i suck at everything.

Edited by destoroyah
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Thanks Csaba! I'll survive this.

 

I started using the tablet yesterday. It's cool! I've been drawing SKULLS.

 

Fun fact: In kindergarden I was always drawing skeletons. Then they said "No drawing skeletons!"

So I drew ghosts. And they said "No drawing skeletons or ghosts!"

Then I drew Monsters. So they said "No drawing skeletons, ghosts or monsters!"

 

They must've thought I'm mentally ill.

...and they were right!

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