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Day Zero


DayZero

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Shoot. Day Zero again. Avoided porn and games for three-ish days, but eventually I hit a wall and anxiety teamed with feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. Shit, I can't even contact my academic advisor, get into counseling, or even maintain easy goals like jogging daily, no matter how low I drop the bar. I've trapped myself in a cycle of being too intimidated to do things that would make things better, self-hating, and setting up more barriers to success. Heck, stray thought: I might be sabotaging myself for ego defense and to assuage a cornucopia of guilt.

Quick Big question Cam and peers. How do I use this journaling effectively? Like, how do I know when I've written or shared enough?
While journaling, I go through emotional phases with seconds of optimism spread throughout. I start these logs feeling anxious, defeated, and judged. That's always first. Later, I'll feel angry, like this is a waste of my time, and I want to blame my life on everyone around me, even this little support community here. Eventually, I don't know, I feel queasy and tired, like I jogged a mile trying not to throw up from a hangover, and I wonder if I'm even doing this right. I worry: is journaling helping me, am I good at this, is it worth it, am I a loser for doing this, is this just building an illusion that I'm making progress or trying, are respondents encouraging me to protect their own illusion, and a thousand more doubts to unpack. Shoot, if I am supporting the illusion of someone's progress, is that my responsibility?


Oh, and I always feel that I should be writing this better, more succinctly, clearer, and I have to stop myself from editing myself into silence.

 
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Quick Big question Cam and peers. How do I use this journaling effectively? Like, how do I know when I've written or shared enough?
While journaling, I go through emotional phases with seconds of optimism spread throughout. I start these logs feeling anxious, defeated, and judged. That's always first. Later, I'll feel angry, like this is a waste of my time, and I want to blame my life on everyone around me, even this little support community here. Eventually, I don't know, I feel queasy and tired, like I jogged a mile trying not to throw up from a hangover, and I wonder if I'm even doing this right. I worry: is journaling helping me, am I good at this, is it worth it, am I a loser for doing this, is this just building an illusion that I'm making progress or trying, are respondents encouraging me to protect their own illusion, and a thousand more doubts to unpack. Shoot, if I am supporting the illusion of someone's progress, is that my responsibility?

 

Are you my twin?

There's a tiny monster in your head telling you terrible things. You have to kill it.

Just write whatever you want/think you need to write. Journaling is primarily a tool for yourself. As long as you follow the forum rules of course. (don't worry, there's only one :) )

Oh, and I strongly encourage you to seek out advising/counseling if you want it. Problems don't go away by just ignoring them. This is coming from experience. One of the hardest aspects is indeed dropping the stigma of shame/worthlessness associated with asking for help, but that's all it is, a stigma.

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Welcome @DayZero

I've been journaling on paper and on here for about three years now. The way I've used has changed quite a bit. Originally, it was to try and get a grip on my stress. Then it turned into dealing with procrastination. Then it turned into grad school applications, followed immediately by grad school itself. Then it turned into being un/underemployed and being a slave to the Internet. Then it turned into being employed, and recovering from the Internet and using it in a healthier way, while being around people who are trying to better themselves. As you can see, this can be for whatever you want or need it to be--it's very malleable. So don't stress too much on what you want it to be. It will be what it needs to be, when you need it.

Is it worth it? Hell yes. Don't let worries about effectiveness, or progress, or other people's stuff stop you from journaling. This is for you to unpack your thoughts and look at them in a logical way that I find sometimes is best shown to one outside their head. 

To answer your two underlined questions though in more detail:

First one) Again, don't worry about effectiveness too much. Journaling's benefits can be non-linear. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's meh. It depends on the situation and what you're going through. Instead, focus on consistency for a while. Starting out, it was a good habit for me to build. If I had X scenario that was stressing me out, I knew journaling helped me deal with it better, so when I got stressed, I just made it a habit to journal. Having some kind of habit in place for this to serve as your rock will be helpful, especially for when you really need it. If the thought of using the journal as a tool isn't there to begin with, that will (in my opinion) be the biggest stumbling block to effectiveness, because then you'll never use it when you really need it. 

Also, don't worry about how much you write. Write what you need to. 

Second one) Who cares what other people want to project about themselves, fake or real? This journal is yours, and is about you. If people want delude themselves in any way,and make themselves feel unnecessarily special, that is totally out of your control and not your responsibility. It's their responsibility to not be fake. I can't find a way that you'd be actively supporting them. When I think of people using your journal as supporting someone else's fake progress, I think of a parasite or a leech. You'd be supporting them insofar as that they're hijacking your good mojo, which I don't think really defines as "support."

Anyway, I hope you stick with it. One of the best things I've ever done. I hope this helps. 

 

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Hi @DayZero, welcome to the forum!

It's okay to question a lot about your reasons for gaming, for quitting, if this is all worth it, if you're doing it right etc. With journalling, I've found that the most important part of it is simply keeping yourself accountable for reflection. As long as you keep posting in your journal daily, you'll be reflecting on your day, be able to compare it to previous days, and get a clearer picture of what's going on and what you need to do. The content of the post doesn't matter all that much, just as long as you describe what you feel is most important to share at the time.

However if you're looking for a practical guide to how to write an effective journal, I'd recommend outlining what is most important for you to accomplish on a daily basis and writing headings to write how you've done on those topics each day. If you'd like an example, perhaps check out my own journal, I'm all about self development and keeping myself accountable this way does a lot.

In summary, simply posting is the most important part. Simply posting what's happened daily has brought me through my relapses and consequently helped me become the person I am today. All the best for getting your life on track :D

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Being here, registering a gamequitters account or any other similar forum, means that you are willing to make a change in your life, so that right there is a positive aspect that you neglected.

Like other bad habbits, quitting games its not an easy task. Quitting games is a test of willpower, otherwise the planet would be populated with geniuses and superhumans. We applaud your intentions of making a change in your life, of wanting to be better, happy and productive. Having a journal is nothing to be ashamed about! Think like this: if having a journal and talking about your feelings is something despicable, than all the guys here ( including me and you ) are a bunch of losers. But we are not, we had and have the will to stand up and make a change, leaving our bad habbits and gaming friends. And afterall what do you care more about: being happy? Or the oppinion of others? You are the one that decides what is wrong or right for you. And right now, gaming with all the shit related to it is clearly bad.

See you around :P

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Thank you for sharing this!! Addiction is first and foremost a battle in our mind! I think most of us can relate to the battling you're describing.

I think the reason you/we feel so miserable when going wrong is the false idea that everyone else are living perfect lives. Yes, it's hard to get councelling when you think of your councellor as a person who got it all right and will judge you for your wrongs! However, we're all struggling, we're all having issues. It's not only you - or us - here on GQ. The fact that you're here tells me you're willing to change! That's a huge step that many fail to take. 

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Thanks everyone.

Touching base. Some productive hours today, a lot more nonproductive hours. I don't have anything perfect to say.

Thursday was stressful, but productive. Handled some big things I was procrastinating after posting here. Weirdly, it felt like I was avoiding the stress of video gaming and mindless browsing. Somehow, wrenching my deeper thoughts out in front of me and others made gaming too stressful that day. Now, I feel self-defeatingly super doubtful, but maybe this is something I can keep up. 

***45 minute break***

Ok, since my break I've been productive, but faced with a swelling self-doubt. So, I've been consistently productive and motivated(?) for an hour now. No gaming desire. I even stayed on topic in networking conversation when the other person said they were a video game programmer. But, I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed for beating myself up on how many things I've supposed to accomplish this day, week, month, lifetime. It's like, shoot, if I can be like this by just journaling, why the hell haven't I done more EVERYTHING? Am I weak willed, am I overestimating how long I can maintain this, is the journaling benefit gonna stop coming, did I embellish these accomplishments to avoid feelings of failure?

So, lots of self-doubt there that makes me want to just give up and jump into mindless browsing. Maybe I should take a break by reviewing Cam's videos on dealing with this situation. But how many videos do I watch before that becomes mindless browsing? I mean, going onto Youtube can be a veritable deathtrap. Ugh. Need project.

Small victory though. I'm being honest here with myself and whoever else. In previous forums, I've censored anything not GREAT from my posts and B.S.'ed positivity.

 

AARGHGHG!!!!

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I feel like I'm placing hurdles to intentionally slow my progress down. Also, need to build good habits and wellness goals.

My first wellness goal is to check in daily here, even if I barely say anything.
My second big thing is, even on my days off, leave the house by ten.

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You're still not very far into your detox, so you shouldn't be harsh on yourself if life doesn't magically transform into something awesome right away.

Not saying you shouldn't try to improve, but don't judge yourself if you're not as productive as you want to be etc. Changes happen overtime.

I like your goals. Each to himself, but for me, journaling here is immensely helpful. It also grants you a certain feeling of progress when you look back on your old posts in the future.

Leaving the house is also a good idea. If you have work to do, I suggest going to a library. The ambience there is really helpful when trying to focus.

I wish you well, and good luck! 

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You are doing great! The most important thing is taking the step into the right direction which you did.

Don't be to harsh on yourself. Life will give you challenges in order to make you a stronger person. Take these challenges and be the best you can be.

We will be helping and guiding you on your journey. Don't give up!

Much love from The Netherlands - Robin

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