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DayZero

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About DayZero

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  • Birthday 02/16/1987

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  1. DayZero

    Day Zero

    I feel like I'm placing hurdles to intentionally slow my progress down. Also, need to build good habits and wellness goals. My first wellness goal is to check in daily here, even if I barely say anything. My second big thing is, even on my days off, leave the house by ten.
  2. DayZero

    Day Zero

    Base touched. Meh day in general. Bad start, but salvaged toward the end by talking with others.
  3. I'd like to order publications as printed books because: Electronic devices are triggers. It takes determination to use my iPad, phone, or computer without relapsing. It'd be better if I could just pull out the GQ books during weak times, rather than trying to bypass games, porn, and memes. Honestly, the current system feels like holding an Alcoholics Anonymous in the storage closet of a bar. I'd like to have an additional copy on hand if a friend needs it. Printed material seems integral to groups that meet face-to-face. Not certain if current GQ publications would help this, but some community members need F2F. I sure as heck do. Currently, I've printed my 30 day challenge and respawn, and use those as appropriate. It only took two months because of... distractions. It definitely helps with the first issue. I don't know if this is something you're already verbing. I'd be willing to order through a print-on-demand service. Example I found via Bing. https://www.bookbaby.com/print-on-demand
  4. DayZero

    Day Zero

    To reemphasize: AAAARGH!!!
  5. DayZero

    Day Zero

    Thanks everyone. Touching base. Some productive hours today, a lot more nonproductive hours. I don't have anything perfect to say. Thursday was stressful, but productive. Handled some big things I was procrastinating after posting here. Weirdly, it felt like I was avoiding the stress of video gaming and mindless browsing. Somehow, wrenching my deeper thoughts out in front of me and others made gaming too stressful that day. Now, I feel self-defeatingly super doubtful, but maybe this is something I can keep up. ***45 minute break*** Ok, since my break I've been productive, but faced with a swelling self-doubt. So, I've been consistently productive and motivated(?) for an hour now. No gaming desire. I even stayed on topic in networking conversation when the other person said they were a video game programmer. But, I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed for beating myself up on how many things I've supposed to accomplish this day, week, month, lifetime. It's like, shoot, if I can be like this by just journaling, why the hell haven't I done more EVERYTHING? Am I weak willed, am I overestimating how long I can maintain this, is the journaling benefit gonna stop coming, did I embellish these accomplishments to avoid feelings of failure? So, lots of self-doubt there that makes me want to just give up and jump into mindless browsing. Maybe I should take a break by reviewing Cam's videos on dealing with this situation. But how many videos do I watch before that becomes mindless browsing? I mean, going onto Youtube can be a veritable deathtrap. Ugh. Need project. Small victory though. I'm being honest here with myself and whoever else. In previous forums, I've censored anything not GREAT from my posts and B.S.'ed positivity. AARGHGHG!!!!
  6. DayZero

    Day Zero

    Shoot. Day Zero again. Avoided porn and games for three-ish days, but eventually I hit a wall and anxiety teamed with feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. Shit, I can't even contact my academic advisor, get into counseling, or even maintain easy goals like jogging daily, no matter how low I drop the bar. I've trapped myself in a cycle of being too intimidated to do things that would make things better, self-hating, and setting up more barriers to success. Heck, stray thought: I might be sabotaging myself for ego defense and to assuage a cornucopia of guilt. Quick Big question Cam and peers. How do I use this journaling effectively? Like, how do I know when I've written or shared enough? While journaling, I go through emotional phases with seconds of optimism spread throughout. I start these logs feeling anxious, defeated, and judged. That's always first. Later, I'll feel angry, like this is a waste of my time, and I want to blame my life on everyone around me, even this little support community here. Eventually, I don't know, I feel queasy and tired, like I jogged a mile trying not to throw up from a hangover, and I wonder if I'm even doing this right. I worry: is journaling helping me, am I good at this, is it worth it, am I a loser for doing this, is this just building an illusion that I'm making progress or trying, are respondents encouraging me to protect their own illusion, and a thousand more doubts to unpack. Shoot, if I am supporting the illusion of someone's progress, is that my responsibility? Oh, and I always feel that I should be writing this better, more succinctly, clearer, and I have to stop myself from editing myself into silence.
  7. Shoot. Day Zero again. Avoided porn and games for three-ish days, but eventually I hit a wall and anxiety teamed with feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. Shit, I can't even contact my academic advisor, get into counseling, or even maintain easy goals like jogging daily, no matter how low I drop the bar. I've trapped myself in a cycle of being too intimidated to do things that would make things better, self-hating, and setting up more barriers to success. Heck, stray thought: I might be sabotaging myself for ego defense and to assuage a cornucopia of guilt. Quick Big question Cam and peers. How do I use this journaling effectively? Like, how do I know when I've written or shared enough? While journaling, I go through emotional phases with seconds of optimism spread throughout. I start these logs feeling anxious, defeated, and judged. That's always first. Later, I'll feel angry, like this is a waste of my time, and I want to blame my life on everyone around me, even this little support community here. Eventually, I don't know, I feel queasy and tired, like I jogged a mile trying not to throw up from a hangover, and I wonder if I'm even doing this right. I worry: is journaling helping me, am I good at this, is it worth it, am I a loser for doing this, is this just building an illusion that I'm making progress or trying, are respondents encouraging me to protect their own illusion, and a thousand more doubts to unpack. Shoot, if I am supporting the illusion of someone's progress, is that my responsibility? Oh, and I always feel that I should be writing this better, more succinctly, clearer, and I have to stop myself from editing myself into silence.
  8. Day 1. Just counting days. Trying to swap time killers with positives. Staying downtown tomorrow instead of in my suburban isolation. Reminding myself that this is for me. I'm supplementing game challenge with learning databasing with OpenOffice Base on my Mac. There's hints of camaraderie in the troubleshooting forums, challenge to strategize against, and a wisp of pride for learning a difficult system just to better myself. I think that focus on myself is absolutely vital. I'm toxically good at knowing the wants of others to the point of forgetting my own. So, self-focus is vital, but fragile. So, probably not gonna like any one else's statements.* *Really, I think I'm afraid of disappointing others and too used to abandonment by intended supporters.*
  9. I've quit a lot of things. Some lasted, some didn't. I've quit smoking and I've quit maintaining some toxic relationships. Those have stuck. I've also quit gaming, porn binging, drinking heavily, attacking myself emotionally, and more. Those didn't stick. So, for the umpteenth time, I'm starting to quit again. I've got the 30 day challenge and the other big book. Fact is, I don't want to quit. I don't want to give up the thrill of virtual achievements, the challenge and reward of strategizing as I pass out at 1 a.m., ready to be better, faster, and go further the next day. I don't want to stop contributing to a community, to give up the pride from teaching new players, the camaraderie of the troubleshooting forums and the cohesion of community frustration. Sure, right now I see how all these things can be gained in real life. I've had this realization so many times that it's both disgusting and depressing. I'm also sick of being angry and jealous at the people I see succeeding at my dreams. I'm sick of lying when people ask how I'm doing. I'm sick of avoiding old friends for shame of what I haven't accomplished. So, here's Day Zero of quitting again.
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