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[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)


Marquess
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@Marquess I can relate to so many things I can't begin to quote you lol. 

I'll try to make it comprehensive and it may be hard. 

"I have developed a lot stronger sense of self and stopped with the self hate, but I'm just so fucking sensitive to everything. I don't know what's to come out of this."

- I passed through this phase too and it was definitely a good thing.

"I would absolutely hate if I were forced to live some sort of an incredibly limited life where I'm basically considered a mental patient, perform some light tasks, live in poverty and irrelevance forever. I'm terrified of that possibility. I find it disgusting to even think about attempting to make peace with it."

- I, too, know this sensation. It haunts me much less than it used to. The key to face and beat this is the sense of self you mention. You are not crazy, and you'll ever be if you don't allow it. Even if you have mental problems, that's not the same as being crazy. And if some fucker tells you otherwise, well, I remember you told me some time ago to screw people's definitions and name-callings. You know yourself best, and if you don't, at least you have higher chances than anyone else to find yourself out. Don't let anyone tell you who you are.

You're dealing with a lot of stress so it's normal that your brain feels slow, even dumb to learn new skills. Give it time until you are in the right state of mind. This isn't motivational bullshit. You are a really smart guy.

Or girl.

You're being understandably cryptic about that subject, but I support you any way you take. Let's see what comes clear from those therapist appointments, don't panic. You'll sort it out. 

Congratulations for mustering the courage to go, and face your neighbours, and stop drinking and all the victories you tend to downplay but are really relevant (what a thing, I thought I was the only one doing that...? 9_9). Just for you to know, whatever place you are in the binary (or non-binary) gender spectrum you'll always get the utmost respect here in the forums. It's on my watch after all.

Things can only end good if you let them, friend.

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  • 4 months later...

Oh wow, so it has been a while :p.

LIFE UPDATE & stats:

- Sober for almost 15 months now

- Keto for 1 month &  been paleo with intermittent fasting for several months before

- Lost over 10 kg

- I hate working out, so I don't, but I enjoy long likes, so I do that.

- Still unemployed, but that's about to change as well in the following weeks or, worst case, months. I entered a program that basically gives you a status of a person that's harder to employ (considering I haven't worked for 4 years now). It consists of a lot of meetings, evaluations, and also being put into different work environments where they observe how well you function. I'm nearly done with it, and we'll soon start looking into what jobs they have to offer me. So really positive about that.

- Still seeing my therapist every week and developed a real good relationship with her.

- Really good relations with my family and some friends. Still looking to expand that, and still looking to go out more.

- Came out to several people. Response vary between very positive to ignorance. Almost no straight up negative, but I have been instantly dropped by some who I thought were my friends. I don't expect to get an applause here either since this forum is essentially a male space, and I'm basically telling you that I'm going to chemically castrate myself and grow boobs. If you think it's weird, try to imagine how weird it was for me to live with those feelings for more than a decade. I hope to start HRT in a few weeks!

- Severe money problems still, but having welfare & supportive middle class family helps out.

I don't know anyone on the front page, and no one's following my journal any more. Honestly, I hate this thread because I've changed so much since I've started it, and if I start posting here again, I'll make a new one. Possibly under a different name (or perhaps I can convince Cam to change it once again, lol).

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2 hours ago, Marquess said:

If you think it's weird, try to imagine how weird it was for me to live with those feelings for more than a decade.

People will always think someone is weird for various kinds of reasons. And every time they do, you have the chance to reinforce your self-trust, since after all, you are the only person whose opinion about your own decisions matter, because you have to live with the consequences.

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On 14/3/2018 at 0:02 PM, Marquess said:

Oh wow, so it has been a while :p.

LIFE UPDATE & stats:

- Sober for almost 15 months now

- Keto for 1 month &  been paleo with intermittent fasting for several months before

- Lost over 10 kg

- I hate working out, so I don't, but I enjoy long likes, so I do that.

- Still unemployed, but that's about to change as well in the following weeks or, worst case, months. I entered a program that basically gives you a status of a person that's harder to employ (considering I haven't worked for 4 years now). It consists of a lot of meetings, evaluations, and also being put into different work environments where they observe how well you function. I'm nearly done with it, and we'll soon start looking into what jobs they have to offer me. So really positive about that.

- Still seeing my therapist every week and developed a real good relationship with her.

- Really good relations with my family and some friends. Still looking to expand that, and still looking to go out more.

- Came out to several people. Response vary between very positive to ignorance. Almost no straight up negative, but I have been instantly dropped by some who I thought were my friends. I don't expect to get an applause here either since this forum is essentially a male space, and I'm basically telling you that I'm going to chemically castrate myself and grow boobs. If you think it's weird, try to imagine how weird it was for me to live with those feelings for more than a decade. I hope to start HRT in a few weeks!

- Severe money problems still, but having welfare & supportive middle class family helps out.

I don't know anyone on the front page, and no one's following my journal any more. Honestly, I hate this thread because I've changed so much since I've started it, and if I start posting here again, I'll make a new one. Possibly under a different name (or perhaps I can convince Cam to change it once again, lol).

Ohhh my, a strange liquid fell on my cheek. So proud of you... sis? Has a strange ring to it, has it not? But not in a bad way, at all. The things that happen in this place :16_relieved:

Really clumsy with my words right now (also related to reasons in my own field) but just so you know, you have my endless, undying support. Anything you fancy to talk, just hit me via PM (they work now, how cool is that). Really, I just... Damn, the emotions, expressing them, so complicated for my person. Nevermind. Trying to express a positive reaction. I respect and admire you. And love you. Sounds stupid, I know. Just take it as a genuine thing, cause it is. 

Looking forward to the continuation of your journey. You're at a very exciting point.

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Consider me in the indifferent section :D. Good job on improving so much and facing your life head-on.

- Sober for almost 15 months now

- Keto for 1 month &  been paleo with intermittent fasting for several months before

- Lost over 10 kg

- I hate working out, so I don't, but I enjoy long likes, so I do that.

  -> awesome! Im proud of you!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/15/2018 at 10:33 PM, Hitaru said:

Ohhh my, a strange liquid fell on my cheek. So proud of you... sis? Has a strange ring to it, has it not? But not in a bad way, at all. The things that happen in this place :16_relieved:

Really clumsy with my words right now (also related to reasons in my own field) but just so you know, you have my endless, undying support. Anything you fancy to talk, just hit me via PM (they work now, how cool is that). Really, I just... Damn, the emotions, expressing them, so complicated for my person. Nevermind. Trying to express a positive reaction. I respect and admire you. And love you. Sounds stupid, I know. Just take it as a genuine thing, cause it is. 

Looking forward to the continuation of your journey. You're at a very exciting point.

Be proud of me when I get on HRT, come out socially to everyone IRL, and pass consistently. A pile of car parts isn't the same as a car: we can perhaps look at it and say, yeah, this sure looks like it could be a car, but it'd be ridiculous to claim that it equals an actual, functional car. Being trans is like that.

At the same time, I've already been through so many stages with regards to it (most of them predominantly negative) that it feels amazing to be at the point where I'm starting to feel some benefits. Coming out to a few people IRL, using female pronouns in some situations, buying clothes and other things - it's an array of really wild and intense feelings. I'm not sure if I recall when I was this happy the last time, and I've barely started.

(I'm an incredibly sensitive and emotional person as it is, and  being sober for so long has only made it so much more intense. And this is BEFORE even going on HRT, which is bound to make it even more so. for fucks sake)

This week, I told my therapist, the one that's been with me from the beginning of my hospitalization in 2017, that I don't want to sit here for months, and that I want HRT as fast as possible. She said she'll talk to the psychiatrist who can legally prescribe it, so unless something goes awfully wrong, I should be starting in a matter of weeks ... which then gives me a month or two (before any kind of permanent changes happen) to decide whether it's really for me or not. It takes ~6 months to see any kind of physical effects, but it influences you mentally almost right away.

In the end, being trans is a shitty mental condition you deal with as best as you can. There's nothing cool about it, and I would still prefer to not have it, but I think I can get to a point where I can accept myself and also feel validated by others to a degree where I'm genuinely happy with the way I'm built.

 

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Thank you all for the positive comments, it means more than you might think :p.

I'm overjoyed by every bit of support I can get, especially since virtually every trans person I know of in my country is politically incompatible with me - they're mostly on the far left while I'm a right wing libertarian, and one's political views will usually affect how they act in their personal, everyday lives as well.

There are exceptions to this, but overall, I'm somewhat fucked when it comes to building a support system for being trans IRL. The best I can hope for is a few male friends who genuinely don't care and deal with it with a lulzy shitposting way, which is great, and some female friends who may or may not truly get it, but like me enough as a person to try their best to be supportive.

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On 25/3/2018 at 5:20 PM, Marquess said:

Be proud of me when I get on HRT, come out socially to everyone IRL, and pass consistently. A pile of car parts isn't the same as a car: we can perhaps look at it and say, yeah, this sure looks like it could be a car, but it'd be ridiculous to claim that it equals an actual, functional car. Being trans is like that.

Being eastern european you shouldn't underestimate how much a pile of car parts can actually work as one, if mildly funny internet videos are any reference. Seriously tho, I'm proud of your bravery taking the first necessary step. Passing and dealing with it all is another completely different issue. One day at a time.

Spoiler

I know it's not the same, but as someone currently heavily pondering about my own gender expression for non-fetishist reasons, I at least partially understand your feelings of uneasiness with passing. I repeat, I know it's not the same and I'm not trying to force a "Woo-woo we're on the same page" idea on you, cause we aren't. But at least I may be able to empathize more than your average cis. Or normie, if the sort of newspeak bothers you, ha. 

Hang in there my friend.

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On 3/27/2018 at 4:29 AM, Hitaru said:

Being eastern european you shouldn't underestimate how much a pile of car parts can actually work as one, if mildly funny internet videos are any reference. Seriously tho, I'm proud of your bravery taking the first necessary step. Passing and dealing with it all is another completely different issue. One day at a time.

  Reveal hidden contents

I know it's not the same, but as someone currently heavily pondering about my own gender expression for non-fetishist reasons, I at least partially understand your feelings of uneasiness with passing. I repeat, I know it's not the same and I'm not trying to force a "Woo-woo we're on the same page" idea on you, cause we aren't. But at least I may be able to empathize more than your average cis. Or normie, if the sort of newspeak bothers you, ha. 

Hang in there my friend.

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