d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk 407]

I got Botox and it made me look a few years younger. 3 people said I looked like I was 24 this weekend.

[goodvibes 239]

On 4/6/2022 at 8:36 AM, d.manuk said:

I got Botox and it made me look a few years younger. 3 people said I looked like I was 24 this weekend.

meanwhile it was typical of me to skip out on sleep / meals / nutrition while gaming which definitely made me look a few years older, talk about potential for a good turn around!

[d.manuk 407]

I've been on testosterone replacement therapy for a month now and it's part of my routine. I inject 5x a week and it leaves those spots sore for a few days which is annoying.

I went to get an Inbody scan done and the results made me happy... I gained 6 pounds of muscle while my bodyfat stayed the same. Since I had no changes done to my libido I was hoping there would be at least some positive change since starting the medicine, so I'm happy there are some things starting to happen... real benefits start to appear after a few months.

I do have mixed feelings about this though. I feel as if I've been working hard to gain muscle for the past 10 years and had nothing to show for it. And it's because something in my body is messed up and I have lower testosterone than I should. Now my body is normalizing to what it should look like given the exercise routine I subject to it. Similar to my diet, I've only recently been able to make a breakthrough into what the problem is and how to fix it. I wish I didn't have to take a medication for this to happen and that I could gain muscle like someone with more blessed genetics, like the beautiful teenage boys I follow on Instagram. Meanwhile I'll soon be twice their age and just starting to have some semblance of muscle on my old skinny body.

It's just a little frustrating that I have to deal with these kinds of health issues and just typing this out made me cry a bit.

I hope I don't have even more serious health issues as I get to an old age.

Edited April 21 by d.manuk

[d.manuk 407]

I do think that thanks to the testosterone I will achieve my goal of looking good by summer 2023 though

[d.manuk 407]

I took down the artwork both I created and friends made for me. Threw most of it out. 

I didn’t like how skinny I looked in the pics they drew of me and it’s not what I want to look at every day. I bought a big lion poster.

[Salem 6]

A lot of what you have said in your posts resonates with me. I am 26 and feel like I have really low T and just cannot gain nearly any muscle, and skinny like a rail. I know it sucks and you're not alone. Insta will only do harm though so tread lightly friend.

[d.manuk 407]

Yesterday I had my first hookup in over a month.

I think normally I wouldn't have minded, but the guy had kind of skinny body and the difference between how we looked turned me off. I felt more muscular than him which is a new feeling.

 

I'm going through a spring cleaning process and preparing my mind and home for my new evolution.

[d.manuk 407]

I decided to stop painting and get rid of all my art supplies.

 

Ways I spend my time in order of priority:

Weightlifting

Working

Eating enough calories and testing my diet

Skincare and self care

Cleaning

Socializing

Flexing and posing, Yoga, Fashion

[d.manuk 407]

I'm about 5 hours into doing spring cleaning my apartment... I'm maybe 2/3 done. Shedding the old and it feels good.

[d.manuk 407]

I did gentle yoga before bed today and it felt really good. I need to make time to do it more.

 

I think I did about 18 hours of decluttering total.

Edited May 2 by d.manuk

[d.manuk 407]

I archived a lot of pictures on instagram because they didn't reflect the current me

[d.manuk 407]

Testosterone Replacement Therapy 2 Month Self-Reflection Post

 

This is ~2 weeks before I do blood work and have my first check in with my docor.

 

Pros: Makes it easier for me to gain weight and muscle but keep body fat. I've gained 10 lbs but my body fat has stayed the same (12%) and water level% is the same, I'm not bloated. It's not a miracle though and doesn't go super fast. I'm at 180lb now. I think it puts me on roughly the same level as someone with naturally higher than average testosterone like some of the teenagers I see on TikTok getting into fitness... not abnormal. I feel lucky that I have access to this kind of progress finally for the first time in my life after trying so hard in the gym for 10 years and feel like my hard work is finally catching up with this missing ingredient. I should be able to have a fit body soon.

 

Neutral: The biggest change I've noticed is my music taste. I listen to a lot of music and my music has changed to be more aggressive. I'm just metal and hip hop now whereas before I used to enjoy a larger variety of genres including trance and some pop. I now strongly dislike any song with female vocals or whiny boys. 
I think I'm becoming more traditionally masculine now, though kind of like a fuckboy. I feel like it's harder for me to be fake nice/polite to people I don't respect or like their appearance. What I used to be able to keep inside is now more likely to seep out. This does not bother me, though it may cause issues for me at some point.

I'm more repulsed by women than ever before. I'm gay and have always only been attracted to masculinity and this has only been heightened even more to a point where I find it hard to take women seriously as equals.

I feel like I always need to be working towards a goal now. I used to be able to go for a walk in nature and feel content and one with the spirit etc but now it feels pointless to do so. General everyday things that I used to enjoy (kind of like a woman) now seem pointless. This really just brings me to going to the gym and playing video games since those have an ingrained reward structure.

 

Cons: The only negative side effect I'd complain about is that my face is flushed red most of the time. I've always had rosy cheeks but now it can look like I have a lightly sunburnt face. Bloodwork will likely show I need to give blood regularly. This side effect started showing up very early, I think even late week 2.

Also I don't think I'm able to feel happiness as strongly as before. I'm more quietly content now, which is different.

My libido has not improved at all, which has been disappointing. I'm on 200mg/week EOD + 500iu HCG.

The residual lumps and swelling after injecting is a little annoying.

Edited May 12 by d.manuk

[d.manuk 407]

Today is my last day in Dallas. I want to move here, but it would not be a smart idea to move just yet.

Reasons I want to move:

Sunny weather

Best chance of finding a boyfriend is here in this city if I want to stay being a bottom


Reasons why not to move:

I currently make $87k per year and only work about 15 hours a week. This is the main reason for not moving. Unless I can purchase an apartment here, it's not worth moving here because I'd have a worse quality of life.

Not sure if I want to be a bottom forever

Scared my job here would be worse if I can't keep my current job