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Amphibian220
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Posted (edited)

Day two,

I am not a dreamer.

I was a lot more productive yesterday, haven’t overeaten and kept to my goals.

I’ll set up a plan for today that involves maintaining my diet, paying my bills and performing exercises. 

Edit: There is a person at my work, who always puts the question back to the manager in a stern way when the complaint is unfounded. So if she is behind on work and she was doing her best, she asks the employer where should she find the time to complete it.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Day three,

My stomach feels at ease, but I’ve got a strong sense of being hungry.

I guess from regularly overeating bread for many months on end, my perceptions are distorted.

I opened a news summary today because I wanted to get distracted. I will be carrying farming, psychology and communication books to my work from now on for a healthy distraction 

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System trap elaborated.

Most often I want to get home to feel safe and rest. That may be because my posture is bad.

When I’d get home in the past, I’d watch internet films for dreaming. Dreaming further increased my perception of safety.

Communication has always been perceived as a threat. The less I communicated, the easier it felt. I know that to get any system to work, you have to interact with it. But I’ve got a peculiar tendency of avoiding going through the steps. If something bothers me, I will ignore the person etc. If I want to congratulate someone, I think my words will not sound authentic and so I hold back.

There is a saying that better be silent than remove all doubt by speaking. But just being totally absent 99% of the time isn’t a workable solution either.

I haven’t gamed for over 4 years, but the problems persist. People at times mistake my defensive nature for rudeness.

I have to do more structured reading to bring my character to life, its of utmost importance.

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Posted (edited)

Music is a major trigger for losing focus and dreaming. I have to make sure to avoid it.

Strong cravings come before, during and after having a meal. If I give in, I will eat uncontrollably. But if I goof about or watch something that doesn’t excite me, I will not ruminate and thus not overeat. Just because I sabotaged the habit of dreaming today, I haven’t overeaten.

I’ve got to reason with myself on this. I will count these days towards my 90 day dreaming detox. Its only to see what other options there are for me. If after the 90 days, I see no benefit to living the life of a sharp professional, then this will tell me that the problem lies somewhere else.

So I will not miss dreaming during this detox. I shall see the results on the 10th of July

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Posted (edited)

I am at a bus stop anxiously rushing to see my friend, I haven’t seen him in 3 years. As I’m quickly scanning to see his face from among the passengers leaving the bus, I’m starting to see his familiar features in several strangers, until I notice enough of a difference ! How is that possible? Its almost like my mind is drawing that face in a rush before it gathers sufficient info to see a mismatch.

If my worrying wasn’t through the roof, my perceptions wouldn’t be distorted like that. And now I remember that boxers possess greater control of a fight when their emotions are kept in check.

Now since I can’t process a lot of information, I have foresight or intuition about what the text reads, or what the person is going to say from his first several words. I think the level of foresight has to be there necessarily, but it must at its root be of abundant success . I have seen myself change when spoken to by men with a positive outlook on things. I have to process  information at a slower pace because it will enable me to catch and neutralize the negative bias.

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Posted (edited)

Day 4.

Memory pain activated rumination. I have to solve some work issues today. If I work intensely, I will urgently need a workout to avoid ruminating.

Controlling food granted me energy I didn’t have in the past. I used a simple one plate rule.

Yesterday I was able to focus on my revision late at night. Now I seem to gather I used to overeat to escape from issues.

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So I needed a workout but I was too tired to go after one. And so I ruminated, actually I wasn’t tired but forgot to follow my action plan.

This habit tricked me today.

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Posted (edited)

Day 6

System trap elaborated.

When I am totally focused on my goals, I get excited about completing them, become super committed and tire myself out because there is just not enough time. Then as the stress mounts, I can’t enjoy what I’m doing anymore and just wait for it to be over. This is when I am most absent minded and can’t connect with people. It was just frustration from that point on. As something went slightly wrong I was furious. I wasn’t cool or composed anymore.

Thats the thing, when I work alone and can’t communicate well when the pressure increases. I can’t find the time for rest. Suddenly its all or nothing.

Yesterday I drove myself nervous by the number of tasks I completed and was in an angry state. I didn’t act rudely, but at the end of a day just could not hold back from ruminating and forgot about working out. The only remedy was in modeling my conversations with people. 

I haven’t overeaten.

 

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My awareness hasn’t helped me when my plans didn’t work.

Feeling bored and faced with a day off, instead of quickly adapting my plan and doing something useful, I went on snacking. I overate for the first time on the 8th day and I ruminated too.

I need to set up a better back up plan, i remember how ridiculously potent my cravings for perfection were. Any free time was immediately channeled to sports. Right outside on my back yard. Or in the football field.

I just can’t get out as much anymore and amazingly my particular job is making me unhealthy. So:

1) I can bring my weights to my office to have a midday workout.

2) I can find far better jobs that afford more time for self development.

Major let down is when I’m feeling too ill for a workout. I’m naturally into adrenaline filled type of sports. And its either dreaming about movies or playing a sport for me.

I just need to cool down and be less controlling over myself. The more controlling I try to be, the more stress it causes after which I want to eat and ruminate. I just need to spend more time in my back yard.

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Posted (edited)

Observation, its important not just to pick a standard degree in accounting or law, but to have a proper visualization about where you want to go from your teen years. The goal can then change along the way. The biggest miss is not meeting enough people and failing to gather info about their services and products on offer. Some stupid shyness induced by rubbish video games. In my time, the narrative that students followed was the wrong way round. Where is the highest salary? How much can I earn in two years? Nobody talked much about the failing legal system in the UK.

There are all these self important lawyers who haven’t got the guts to build abetter system because it involves challenging the views of the stakeholders.

A major pitfall is just wanting to become a “lawyer with a high salary”. That is just too general and doesn’t give me enough of a drive and sense of purpose. A better visualization is “what is old and redundant in this system?” What should be done away with and will never work? Where is fakery in this system, what would be a far better organization with people working together around higher values.? I should stop lying to myself and my employer.

 

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Ok I got it, instead of snacking I’ll just stretch and shadow box dozens of times in the day. That will be my time killer from now on.

Simple reprogramming at work.

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Posted (edited)

 

Day 9

I followed through on my exercise routine, later on in the day I distracted myself with an intense cardio workout of about one hour. I overheated and felt very sore after it.

Another problem arose in that I didn’t how much I should eat when I’m releasing greater levels of energy. I have eaten a lot of fruit to feel satiated. 

I don’t know if I’m eating insufficiently now, my perceptions are very distorted.

Feeling physically tired and sore is putting a lot of pressure to start dreaming, because that way I can forget about the pain. If I can’t exercise, I only have reading as a distraction now.

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Posted (edited)

Day 10

Today I gave in to constructing a strategy video game scenario. I watched a 3 minute action film trailer before that. Good news is that I interrupted the craving by remembering I am in the beginning of an important mission.

Cameron related how a single activity will not replace the gaming habit and I agree with that. One major need is to socialize and participate in a competitive sport but I cannot get that at the moment. So there is not enough distraction away from my usual triggers. I am not the kind to dream about socializing and sport activities. I typically dislike watching sports, except in the case where I want to review a match and get some tips from a Pro. I never understood why people support football clubs. So dreaming about playing a strategy video game doesn’t really make sense. I could just get out to play a football game instead.

I absolutely understand I am not a dreamer, but I wasted about 10 -20 minutes on a day dreaming distraction. I also did not exercise today because work issues were pressing. But I absolutely missed an opportunity for an exciting workout. My working and thinking speed is low because of back issues.

A great boxing session totally replaces the need to dream. I can imagine an opponent and visualize winning a fight. This happened yesterday.

Oh and just one last thing: I may have my supper, watch TV and suddenly decide I need to eat some more. I don’t think I need that extra food, but I seem to eat a lot in short bursts. To slow down my eating speed, I’ll try Watching Cam’s video next time.

I rush because of the fear that someone will distract me, but so what, let them do it. Maybe my eating habits will become healthy

Edited by Amphibian220
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On 4/18/2022 at 4:56 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Good news is that I interrupted the craving by remembering I am in the beginning of an important mission.

ahhh exactly our mission. the main reason we found ourselves here in the forum it does get easy to lose sight of that mission. I am going to write mine down so I can see it often thanks Amph 👍

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On 4/18/2022 at 11:56 PM, Amphibian220 said:

I never understood why people support football clubs. So dreaming about playing a strategy video game doesn’t really make sense. I could just get out to play a football game instead.

I never understood it either, though I've been told it's emotional, creates bonds between people and that people like seeing people who are great at something and succeeding at it.

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Day 12,

Feeling low on energy, I have interrupted my habit of dreaming yesterday. Hope to get used to getting up early and completing my work on time . I need news to awaken myself right now.

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Posted (edited)

I just don’t like the overall balance. Need to search more for a fitting job.

Met some of my old friends and played basketball this weekend.

Detected patterns for failure:

1. when you’re tired, its ok to skip healthy activities and waste time.

This is a lie, once you establish a habit, it comes naturally at different participation levels.

2. Its ok to stay in an unhealthy environment because there is a great deal of uncertainty about alternatives.

Another lie, simple daily research will remove the uncertainty completely.

3. Chronic tiredness from taking on work that is beyond abilities.

Better planning will remove this hurdle and establish greater trust.

4. No time left for “daily errands” to “trying to do all the things at once in a haphazard fashion. When 1, 2 and 3 are attacked on a daily basis, there will be ample time for each particular task. Ironing shirts is a must from now on.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Drift to low performance

Going to sleep late and refusing to dance with the system have caused a downward cycle of -an unhealthy craving to control my day through watching action films at the end of it.

Sometimes tiredness beckmes extreme, my maneuver window is there for a short while so I have to keep actively searching.

I must go to sleep early, have cardio in the morning and write job applications throughout the day.

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  • 1 month later...
Posted (edited)

Need to do research in the field of my study Asap and look at better ways of exploring work opportunities.

Im no longer a dreamer, but how do I master those job interviews?

Overwriting old habits Or why are old habits still better?

1. predetermined meals with no snacks, pushups to kill time instead. Pushups can tire me out, but then I can legitimately dream about becoming a pro athlete without breaking my new identity.

2. Books and creative job applications instead of internet news. They take longer to fill out/read, but hey I can save progress. If video game developers thought of this convenience then it is certainly doable in useful activities.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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On 7/9/2022 at 3:15 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Need to do research in the field of my study Asap and look at better ways of exploring work opportunities.

Im no longer a dreamer, but how do I master those job interviews?

You can try what I did. Not many language companies externally advertise they have available language courses for lecturers. The situation is so dynamic it wouldn't make sense to give a serious "regular" job posting for a "job" that is once a week for 90 minutes.

When I first set out to seriously search for a job, I opened Google Maps, typed in "language school", "language agency", "English teacher" etc. and looked up all the companies in my area. I still have the file and it has nearly 100 e-mail adresses.

Since then I've sent out hundreds of mails asking for an interview. I've been to dozens of interviews. And I've worked for a few companies. All this work made me have experience, options/relative job independence and confidence in myself.

Now, it happens from time to time that somebody finds my advertisment/website and contacts me, or remembers me from the past and makes me an offer, but not often enough to build my business on that. I am happy I did all the work in the past and today I'm benefiting from it.

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@Ikar, I’ve sent some targeted applications but had no responses yet. I think sending offers by post will attract more attention because email accounts are frequently spammed so  that something important can be skipped by an HR employee.

I broke my rule a couple of times to watch something on the phone at the end of the day. This is a big failure because I may have missed an opportunity.

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13 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar, I’ve sent some targeted applications but had no responses yet. I think sending offers by post will attract more attention because email accounts are frequently spammed so  that something important can be skipped by an HR employee.

I think that's a false premise. I do think that a physical letter would grab more attention, but if you already assume their email is spammed, why would they have time to get into a physical letter? Plus if they already got an overloaded/uninterested HR that can't/won't deal with your requests, I don't think that's an employer you want.

I remember I sent the email twice to some companies, if the interviews from the first wave of companies that wrote me back (and had an interview with me) were not satisfactory. And don't send "some" applications, send "dozens" of applications. I don't know the specifics of your CV, job requirements etc. but having more options is always better than having less options.

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Posted (edited)

Random memory pain created stress that is preventing me from performing my daily tasks.

One thing I am experiencing is that after detoxing from video games, my mind hasn’t detoxed enough. This realization was long overdue.

Dreaming is like a shell that makes the day “more complete” and effectively makes me procrastinate in following the important goals. Weak body adds another argument against aspiring for these goals.

That in turn leads to a low maintenance mindset. Sometimes i think that being more communicative and sincere with people in stating what I want would grant me more strength. I still think I haven’t reached the true underlying issues because i insist on following the old ways and acting with illogical shyness.

Communicating with people is a lot easier, but it is hard to navigate conflicts. I have to state what I think and want without the fear of being ridiculed.

Energy is lacking despite subtle improvements in the diet and basic exercise.

how could i improve self esteem and confidence? One way is to aggressively put into action a plan for securing the job that I want. If I go about putting myself into the most embarrassing situations possible, there has to come a point when my self esteem will begin to rise.

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