ceponatia

Such a good point and one that is lost upon the larger recovery community! It seems crazy to tell an addict that abstaining from drugs or their behavior isn't the point but from my perspective that's true. I'm a recovering alcoholic and it's never been about abstaining from alcohol for me, it's been about rebuilding my life in a way that makes me proud to be me. Because of this, and I do credit it as being the sole reason and teach it in all of my peer recovery groups, I have never had even one urge to relapse in the last two years. Unfortunately I faltered a bit and gaming became a crutch but I'm applying the same mentality to that and so far so good.

@Erik2.0 & @chiliflavor it's kind of funny how a lot of addicts somewhat turn to religion once we start getting clean... even those of us who are still at least somewhat opposed to the idea (like myself). I've certainly become more respectful of Christianity at least. Some days I even fully acknowledge that it's responsible for all of my value systems. Listening to Jordan Peterson's lectures on Christianity has helped as he breaks down a lot of the mythology behind the Old Testament in a way I've never heard before and which makes a lot of sense.

This stuck out to me as well and I find it to be quite true. I've met a lot of addicts both virtually and through peer recovery programs and one common thread they all have is lack of any positive support system.

Oh yeah and I went on a couple dates last week with a beautiful woman I've known for a long time. She lives out of state and was just visiting so I don't know what the future holds there, but I'm just taking it as it is.

I was reading through some of my older entries in this thread and it's amazing how much I've changed just in the few months since I've been coming here. Stuff like this is useful for reminding us that we're always improving because day-to-day it can feel like we're just doing the same thing over and over. Not the case at all, though. Small improvements here and there add up to huge changes down the line. Uni has really picked up in difficulty. I've finally started some actual cybersecurity courses and even though it's the field I'm choosing to go into, I know almost nothing about it. That's kind of what interests me about it though... I'm learning something completely new. I've always been "good with computers" but this is a completely different branch. School is an adjustment because I think in the "non-academic" world we fool ourselves into thinking there are right or wrong opinions or known facts about things. Not the case at all. In researching most of the papers I have to write, there is no concrete answer and I have to form my own opinion based on what research is available. It's taxing. Despite what we think, nobody really likes thinking for themselves. It's hard. Even when we do think we have an original opinion it's usually just something we've read or heard and we're repeating it without knowing. Kinda crazy when you think about it. I've completely abandoned my liberal political roots. I was hanging on to the notion that sure the mainstream liberal ideology has shifted to borderline fascism but I'm a "true liberal". I'm not, though. When the lines move, you move with them. I'm now fairly conservative. Lol. I'm okay with it. I mean... that said... I still find some aspects of socialism appealing and definitely support things like BLM and true feminism... but being a liberal in 2020 is simply embarrassing. Besides, when you just talk to people and are open to their opinions you realize all of that stuff is just bullshit anyway.

I wish I could go to the gym but mine is still closed. I get by with body weight stuff just so that my legs don't completely atrophy, lol. I wasn't working out at all for about a month and BOY did I get sick both mentally and physically.

It's amazing the level of mental illness that the internet helps thrive. Catfishing is ridiculous. I've never been straight up catfished but have definitely gone out with women who used a pic from 10 years ago as their dating profile photo. I think most people, and especially women whom generally aren't as attractive as men as they age, prefer to think of themselves as their usually more-fit 20 year old selves. Not me because I'm a far better person now than I was even 5 years ago but I understand the compulsion. Still, thinking of yourself as that person and actually pretending to be that are a lot different. You're definitely not offending me. I have a very well documented opinion on massively overweight people. I don't think fat shaming does anyone any favors (and like addicts, shaming fat people actually causes them to get worse) but talking about it online regarding someone who isn't involved in the conversation isn't the same as ridiculing someone to their face. There's a reason most people feel disgust toward morbidly obese people. Still, it's always better to befriend someone and show them a better way to live than to call them names and punish them for what is usually not in their control. I'm also not of the opinion that dating someone you're not attracted to simply because you get along is a particularly fantastic idea. You shouldn't have to jeopardize part of your happiness just because someone with a decent personality can't control themselves. Coming from someone who used to drink 18 bottles of Corona and play video games 12 hours every day... I wouldn't respect anyone who dated that version of me.

Greetings, humans. Crazy times in the US right now, and I suppose in many parts of the world. I've been keeping my nose buried in research for school and enjoying the (finally) sunny weather. Still feeling pretty exhausted most of the time but I'm trying to see if I can build up a tolerance to it by forcing myself to be more active. I read somewhere a long time ago that that's a thing... but I don't think it really is. I'll try anything though.

Definitely the same for me. I'm very angry when I've had too much caffeine... which is quite often! It's a good idea and making amends is definitely a big part of the recovery process. I've made amends to all of the people I can without it being burdensome to them but your idea of doing something anonymous is something I hadn't considered. I think I will do that.

Regret is pretty big in recovery. Since I also have the alcoholism in my past I definitely have done a lot of horrible things to people that I have to think about all the time. I'll check those books out. I read a few books on habits (The Power of Habit is a good one), the Stephen Guise one sounds similar. I also have known for a while that I need to quit caffeine but it's such a big part of my life it's almost as hard as quitting beer was... except with the added negative that if I don't take it for 2 days I feel like I have the flu and can't stay awake. Lol

It occurred to me after studying for a class and trying to research the sources of a few lecturers I've been listening to (such as the ever popular Jordan Peterson) that being intelligent is rather difficult. I think that anybody can achieve a pretty high level of competence and insight but it requires more work for people like me than the people who enjoy reading scientific journals all day. This is certainly due to how I've programmed my ego over the last 30 years to seek out instant gratification and leisure activities over activities which require critical thought and memorization. Is it something that can be undone? I'm still not sure but I'm trying to find out through self-experimentation. The impulse to laze about and do nothing is only part of the problem. When I decide to sit down and focus on something my mind wanders without warning frequently and I don't notice sometimes for many minutes. One method I've thought about to combat this is to actively take notes. If I'm writing there's not much of an opportunity for my mind to stray from the task at hand because I have to consciously be in control of a physical part of my body while thinking at the same time. I have to admit I haven't tried this very much even though I came up with the idea almost a month ago. Last night my excuse was that I didn't have a fresh, empty journal which is a nonsense excuse. A blank page is a blank page. Why do I and so many others feel that we need a clean slate all the time? We'll start TOMORROW. We need an EMPTY JOURNAL. We can't start using a planner because IT'S NOT THE FIRST OF THE MONTH. Etc ad infinitum. That's the goal today. Heavy note taking as often as possible. We'll see how tired I get.

I noticed that too towards the end. A combination of gaming and drinking lots of caffeine while gaming was making me an angry wreck. Back when I still drank a lot I actually punched a hole in my wall because of a game. Pretty embarrassing!

Are you actually addicted to porn / masturbation or is it just something you're trying as a challenge? If it's just a challenge you may want to hold off til you're secure with no gaming.

I know what you mean about bench! I start developing a problem in my shoulder every time I try it again.

Yes that's a tendency I've always had too. I've felt like "tomorrow" is a fresh start and I can start everything then because doing it now feels disorganized and chaotic or something. But tomorrow never comes in that regard.

That's what I've tended to focus on as well. For me "discipline" has been too broad of a word to work on. When I focus on discipline I end up trying to do everything that occurs to me as something I'm supposed to do and I burn out very quickly. Now I'm trying to make logical plans for my day more. But discipline is still a part of that because once I make the plan I have to actually do it. 🙂

I listen to a lot of JP as well (listening to the podcast right now actually) and thinking like that has helped me a lot as well. One thought I had along the lines of seeing something on the street which could be thrown away is that things are only fixed or cleaned once someone decides to do it and often if someone isn't being paid to do it, nobody does.

I often wonder if that impulse you describe is the root of my problems. Even on my long stretches without games I still have that constant urge to be doing something else besides simply existing with my thoughts or doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That's a hell of an impulse to try to stop, though, because for me it only pops up when I'm not paying attention so it's nearly impossible to catch it until I've already given in to whatever the urge was.

I feel similar to how you do, mks. I'm very antisocial and "unintentionally creepy" I've been told (which isn't very nice but they meant well). I was in group therapy for alcoholism a couple of years ago and it helped a lot with my social problems but unfortunately it was only a year long program so I don't have that anymore. I'd recommend it if you can get in one though. There is no one holding my hand is an idea I had to get over as well. A therapist brought it to my attention several years ago when I kept failing to make a necessary doctor's appointment. He said something like "This is your life, nobody is going to do this for you." It was blunt and he was angry so it really stuck in my head. Sometimes having people angry with us can be a good thing, I guess. It didn't fix my life or get me to stop being lazy about appointments overnight (I was still an alcoholic, after all) but over time it ate away at me more and more and these days I make doctors appointments for even minor issues, which makes me laugh a little thinking about it. Still, there are other aspects of my life where I wait for people to hold my hand and guide me and I think that'll be something I battle for the rest of my life to some extent. I do believe I've gotten much better and will get even better in the future but I don't think I'll ever not be that way at all. Feeling like climbing a mountain and falling back all the time... that's a very common feeling of mine too. It's something I discuss with my therapist frequently. One of the issues I've had with the Game Quitters system is what my therapist and I talk about a lot: I have no problem picking up new hobbies and often try something new a couple times a month, but I never stick with it and fall back to zero over and over. It's probably a major cause of depression for me so I totally get where you're coming from.

Thanks for the reassurance. I agree, too. Life for everybody has been in disarray lately. It's difficult to force myself to have a positive routine when I have almost no responsibilities. It's almost over, though. At least for my office.

It's just logical when you think about it! If willpower dwindles as the day goes on, of course we're going to get more done in the hours after we wake up and are recharged. I suppose saying "nothing good happens after 10pm" is a bit untrue as some people work nights and sleep all day so they could feasibly have their best hours after midnight. I've never personally met anyone who worked midnights who really had their shit together though, on second thought.

Haha, I've seen that one but I'd like to watch it again. It's so true though. Whenever I see people from my former "community" of gamers bitching about the most mundane and irrelevant stuff it just makes me realize how many older gamers are also alcoholics.

As an alcoholic myself, I've definitely been told that I have an addictive personality. I don't believe in it, personally. Some people, like myself, simply formed extremely bad habits and routines around the time I was supposed to be learning how to live a normal, productive life. Getting out of that rut is the hardest thing I've ever done but also the most rewarding. It sounds like you have a lot of positive activities you're trying out. It's normal to crave games for quite some time because they're just what we do. It passes, though.

I can't physically bring myself to get out of bed most mornings due to some pretty bad problems with insomnia but what helps me is to have something motivational play as my alarm, like a trigger. It doesn't even have to be words; if I listen to the same song enough and associate it with the idea that it's time to get up and get shit done, it'll give me just enough juice to get up and take a shower. Once I take a shower I'm 100% awake.

I have bad sleep problems, too. I actually dread bedtime because I know I will be tossing and turning for a couple hours which is insanely boring.