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Annie

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  1. I'm back again. After a very long time. Some new change happened in my life though. I'm in turkey. Started traveling. I was almost ok these last few months. Though i lost control since last month. A mixture of feeling home sick, choosing a shitty place to stay, being lost between different options of what to do with my life,.... Made it worse. I tried to keep my language learning habit. I was doing a good job learning Spanish but as soon as i realized i eventually have to learn German for my residency, i neglected both of them. Dealing with paradox of choice. I can't figure it out how people decide what to do with their life. It's probably a bad time to start your life anyway. When i think about chosing what tot do, it drives me nuts and i end up not progressing in any thing. I keep asking myself"Should i become an English teacher or a photographer or learn designing websites or just look for other jobs? " I hate the fact that i know i have all these options. But I'm not good at any of them. Looking forward to be in Ethiopia next 2 weeks. Maybe there I'll find a life purpose or sth there?
  2. @ceponatia u r totally right. just need to stop listening to him, like always. tagging ourselves is not a solution. we might have some things written on our DNA but fuck it. no one can read them for now. and it doesn't matter. i noticed a new important point in making my life better: don't tell yourself I'll start from tomorrow. every day, I'm like, i will wake up tomorrow morning at 6 and do this and that. but doing this and that can start from next minute, not next monday or next day or even next hour. the fact that i have wasted half a day, doesn't mean i have to waste another half.
  3. day12: sometimes i wanna give in to the idea that the outside world does not exist or I'm the only sentiment here, or we r all living in someone else's dream. the sudden pulses of desire are coming back. like I'm doing fine, then suddenly i just wanna play game. i know i need replacement but nothing appeals to me. maybe i should stop caring if it is as interesting as games or not. i should just get involved and leave it behind. I'm getting adapted to my body(i know it sound like a former robot). i know when i need break. so doing workout every day is definitely a bad idea. should stick to the "2 day workout, 1 day rest "plan. John said I just generally have an addictive personality (a person who keeps getting addicted). if it's not games, it would be sth else. ok i admit I'm replacing addictions, so what?
  4. @ceponatia i have the motivational music but recently it's not working. my mind is adopted to turning it off and sleeping. so surprisingly I'm getting things done again. and it's getting way easier and easier everytime i listen to that voice saying move ur ass. though sometimes there are hundred things i wanna do at the same time but i have to filter them and save energy. it's all about overcoming the fear. fear of starting and trying bc i might fail. i guess I'm still blaming myself subconsciously for my job situation. don't know if i should accept the fact that i did my best or i was actually a failure(I don't see it in a negative way, now I've learnt to do better next time) hopefully corona is covering me. i know everybody is going down these days and i can't find the answer anyway. i have to let the bygones be bygones. and just focus on the fear of becoming a fulltime nomad. which is actually exhilarating.
  5. this is my 10th day. it has become way easier. and workout definitely is the key. generally physical activity helps with being strong when u wanna make decisions. i feel less lazy! when it comes to do what I have to do. can't say the wave of depression is gone (i think that's why i was playing, like the drunk guy in "the little prince"), but now i can ignor it. once i read somewhere that you should treat with depression like an unwanted guest. as u r ready to go out on a busy day, they show up at your front door. instead of inviting them them inside and wasting your day, tell them to join you and u can ignore them, after a while they get bored and just leave you. another accomplishment i almost made was about waking up early. a friend told me that if at night, you tell your self out loud that your are going to wake at xx o'clock , u will actually wake up. i was fully awake at 6 am but couldn't convince myself to start the day.life is boring during the day
  6. the desire is back. though I know I'm not gonna relapse. my sleeping habits are getting worse. can't fall sleep and can't get up. i think it's just corona depression partially. today is officially my 5th day. i like the number tracking. specially when u can beat your own records. i guess my last record was 1 year. only 360 more to go... found out there's another topic in this forum for achievements. 1 month, 3 month, 1 year... can't wait to write there. finally I'm missing social life. after 5 month. there's so much an introvert can take. i wish i knew how the mind works, before going to sleep I'm so motivated and wanna conquer the world, but when i get up, feels like i have dropped from another planet.
  7. thank for recommending jocko. it's really helpful.
  8. @BooksandTree´╗┐s it's interesting that mostly women do rock climbing in ur Country. but here is the opposite. but still they r all friendly people. my boyfriend is supportive about quitting and everything, but when i said I'm gonna delete all the games and completely quit, he said that's not how quitting works, u have to gradually decrease. u will never be able to quit like that... i used to listen to him and believe it. but i realized there are many ways to do everything u want. thanks for the guidance , I'll read the post you mentioned. i guess you're right. i should go one by one
  9. @Erik2.0good point. he needs time every thing is awesome, dubs, dubs, dubs... (with the lego movie rhythm). i feel kinda mature now(my birthday was few days ago). like I'm too old to play games. old enough not to listen to people telling me how things not gonna happen this or that way. i came up with this idea: setting a date with my friend Augustin , to go on a rock climbing trip, exactly 3 years from today. the kinda trips that u have to make your tent hanging from the cliffs. so since he is a pro already, I'm gonna have to practice hard every day. i found a gym and i can start asap my foot is recovered. i even realized one of my friends husband, used to go rock climbing. she asked me to take him with me! though he is religious and a bit cold... anyway the image of me sleeping in a tensile in 3 years, gives me a feeling of joy. like the ones u get after trying so hard in a game to unlock sth... so this is my perfect game replacement. new addiction. though my human relationships haven't gotten any better. i start shitting on family members after they added me in a whatsapp family group. these lame ones where they forward amy random bulshit they see on internet. i wonder if it is only a third world countries problem. human beings are boring and lame....i think I'm better of chatting with robots, or my boyfriend! ...(I'm not complaining but i think robots are more delicate and understanding in this case)
  10. i killed a moth with my religious beliefs! the book was heavy enough. today is day 2 of second attempt of quitting. i just ignored it. i lost my log in chain even. after 50 days i guess. the fucking chain was keeping me addicted. it's gone and i don't care anymore. I told myself i can reinstall the game whenever i want now. but maybe a bit later... now I'm facing the real world. i have to decide whether i wanna be multifunctional or focus on 1 thing in my life. last night i couldn't sleep cause i had a brainstorm about making the ultimate home. having a greenhouse on 2nd floor, hostel dorms on 1st and ground floor, a cafe in the parking lot. doing all the crazy DIY and artworks i want in this building and after it's independent from me, i start traveling around the world while i make money as an english teacher and then finally becoming a university teacher on aesthetics. but when i woke up i decided to let go of the building and become a hippy completely. but the night after i realize i hate the idea of not having a home, where i can keep all my collections. so. I'm in a real limbo while i wanna play the limbo game instead. playing someone else's game or playing my own game? where i set my own goals, where my senses are real and more heightened. anyway I'm one step closer to becoming Immanuel kant. having an immaculate daily routine. and u know what is the key to successfully performing your ideas? not telling others about it, they will kill its magic and beauty. they find its flaws while u have to face them yourself. and they convince u to stop or give up. or maybe it's just my boyfriend... when will he learn to be supportive? fucking scared of corona rn. should be more strict. we r doomed... Strangely and slowly I'm regaining my hope for humanity
  11. because u keep ur mind focused on the fact that u r quitting and it gets harder to distract ur self. but non of these really matter. just do what works for you my home situation is different. i have a 3 floor hostel. the middle floor where i live in, has 1 bedroom, but there are 2 more floors with bedrooms. kinda yes and no. my parents bring me food so i don't spend money on basically anything rn
  12. so talking about quitting causes relapsing. also tried to quit eating sugar for one week, on the first day, i was thinking about sugar all day. i just have to forget all about it and act normal. usually i don't eat sugar(probably not buying it is the best option in the first place), but it's like trying not to think about the elephant. in yoga, they always say be gentle with ur body. and I've never been. I'm tired of constantly having sprained ankles and overstretched joints. the same mistake i made with gaming. always fucking up my eyes, or having back pains, or eating unhealthy food. have to care about myself after all. i grew this routin: i only play games during breakfast. daily check up doesn't need full attention, and i have to stop after finish having my breakfast. also another useful discovery: when u relapse and start playing for hours, just take a break and walk few steps away. ur mind will start realizing u didn't want to play in the first place. it breaks the chain. the voice at the back of my head has been quiet for a long time, and no more repetitive conversations in my head during the last few days(probably bc i kept myself busy)
  13. back on the game again(the game of quitting). i guess i haven't wrote in about a month but things r different now. i found the solution. i already knew that i have to do it my own way which is finishing the game altogether. so i played nonstop but hopefully the developer haven't finished the game's main plot as it is on beta version. after the last mission it showed a message like this: to be continued. i felt relieved. nowadays i still play but like less than 15 min. juat checking on the game if there's a new event. and another key to my succes is getting control of my life finally. i am alone now. the guests are gone. my mom went back to her home and i don't need to take shelter in the games realm due to being annoyed by others. my lovely era of solitude has began. and i started macro managing my daily routin. managed to keep it going for more tham a week now(on my last attempts always sth would came up and mess up with my perfect planning and i would get pissed of and give it up all over). but now I'm in complete control of everything. i presume receiving sunshine and exercising helped me too. unfortunately today i overstretched a muscle again. going out for cycling is harder now, i found out there has been a robbery in the neighborhood around 6 am. i took it as a sign that cycling at 6 am is not a good idea. i guess finding a boy bodyguard could help ­čśü. so I'm in love with reading books. the voice at the back of my head has been shut up for a while now(it has been relaced with a constant dialog with my family members about our last meeting. all the things i wanted to tell them but didn't, keep repeating in my head, but they have decreased slowly. i catch up myself thinking about that day and start listening to music). i guess it wasn't one thing that healed me. it was a a collection of things, beginning with the game finishing, meditations, micro managing my daily routin, being alone and the sun. next time(if ever) I'll force myself to do these habits and everything will be fine again. as an introvert key to succes is living alone!
  14. even though I had a very productive day, i relapsed. played 4 hours. john planted this toxic idea in my mind that it's ok if u play games as long as u do your daily chores and whatever needs to be done. i don't want to save my routine, i wanna get rid of gaming. i used to think I'm very limited for doing sports living in this country, but i didn't expect corona to totally lock me inside. people are insane. everyone is outside. what i missed today because of gaming is reading books. i relapsed cause i thought i had it under control. I'm still too weak to have control over my mind. it's better to stop it from the beginning than struggling to stop it in between
  15. so at the end of third day. soon I'll lose track of time. i wanna write a bit about me. the isolation is starting to get under my skin and I'm about to forget who i am(is our identity defined/formed by interactions with others?) : {{i just finished uni(I'm 24)and the fancy free world with rainbows and unicorns that i expected to happen after studying for 17 years, did not start. though I'm happy university put me in a situation that i started traveling for a while. backpacking definitely was a life changing experience. i never was a professional gamer. just relaxed roleplay pc games mostly. and having waves of addiction (like playing for 3 month and being clean for half a year). after getting involved in my job(i started a hostel) i was busy with real life. short periods of addiction. but now it was all back again. the corona ruined the business. first i was binge watching series and then I discovered a nostalgic game from java time and then new games and etc...}} and finally today was almost perfect. i did everything on the list i sent to my accountabilibuddy. i did play like 20 min but i wasn't addicted. s1 recommended turning on grayscale and it worked. the game is officially lame now. i went cycling before 7 am. that was peculiar. watched series with my mom. i started reading philosophical book with eagerness. couldn't put the book down. and i was being nice to my mom today for the first time in my life probably(she was sitting in the darkness, reading, and i turned on the lights for her. my boyfriend recommended visiting a psychologist due to such a sudden big change in my life when i told him about it! ) my aggressiveness towards human beings has decreased after quitting! today "the voice at the back of my head" was very quiet. stopped listening to him saying : every thing is in vain and any effort is pointless in this world. I'm gonna be here any way, better enjoy it without all the pain caused by hours of constant gaming. p.s: one side effect of quitting: i have hard time getting up. i used to get up at 6 am energetically.