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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. 92 days free. I have to say the recovery is still in progress and the absolute abstaining from the games is necessary. I am not the same person as I was when I played. I am no longer closed off socially when I go to a location. I wonder, is this how I was before video games? While I played, I looked at people around me only as potential 'hassle', as if them talking to me would be an issue, cause they would disrupt whatever I was doing on my phone at the time. I didn't want anything to do with the world and thus I was barely there myself. But I haven't gone online for a long time now, and I've changed. I am sometimes friendly to the cashiers when they might talk to me, I ask questions sometimes to people in my college, even if I feel a little awkward. Is this my old skin? It's a little uncomfortable getting back under it, but it fits me better I guess. On another note, I've got a lot of feelings. Games distracted me so much that I thought I had grown more "mature" about them, more logical and less sentimental. That's crap, I just didn't care about the world as much cause of games, that's why I didn't show as many feelings. But my feelings are back now and I'm learning to deal with them. It's all a work in progress, this is the meat and veggies of recovery I guess. I don't know what to do when I'm home and not working. I don't feel like doing anything, and just killing time seems worthless. I think if I wasn't doing activities alone it would be better. I don't like being alone, and even if I know this doesn't sound very self confident and loving, I just don't enjoy doing things on my own right now. I am still trying to figure things out. There's so much to figure out, I am never going back to video games, I don't want to go through this all over again. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Look at all these years that went by, which other people used to find a path for themselves and I wasted. I know I needed this lesson but at the same time, God damn. I look to the future and I feel I have to plan it properly, once I figure out what to do with my college degree that is, when I finish college that is. I want to fix everything, and it makes me anxious some nights, but I know that through time I'll get the answers about how to plan the distant future. I know that for now I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I have to get up, go to class, or get up and work. And when that's over I got to figure out how to deal with free time without choosing to do something that will hook me like games did. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to always be the person who has issues, like I've been so far. I want to resolve things, find myself, settle with knowing who I am, find peace with that. I am still trying to understand who I am now, cause I am not the teenager before video games, but I'm not the adult I have been while I played. Some things did change regardless of the games and other things are just coming back to me, finding surface again in my behavior and personality, and it's a weird process, maybe cause I'm looking at myself very closely and observing and analysing. Maybe in time I can find a hobby for my free time, something that will keep me going back to it with joy when I don't have duties to fulfill, but I'm still lost on that. If you're reading this and you're starting your own recovery, your own ninety days, please don't give up on yourself. Continue, stay with this difficult process. Life is for us to live it, and I know I was just breathing, not living it, while I gamed 16hrs a day. So don't give up and keep on trying. Some days are wonderful and some days suck. I recently had this wonderful day in which I had a great mood, followed by a day that I needed to cry about. But it's okay, this is life.
  2. 82 days gaming free. Had some tough moments in the past weeks but managed to overcome them. I committed to working from outside the house as well as from the house, and I committed to going back to college. It's been a long day and I'm ready to sleep but I wanted to touch base and let y'all know I haven't given up, I'm still away from games and trying to fix my life. My social life comes easier to me the more I try and even though I feel the results isolation brought upon me (such as self doubt on whether I should or not talk to people around me or how much) I won't give up. I think there was this point where the hype wore off, at around 60 days, which I had to recommit to progress, and it was tough mentally but I chose happiness and fulfillment, not comfort and ease and the old habits. My eating habits got messed up during these past weeks so I'm now starting to work my way up to a more disciplined mindset once more.
  3. Last time I relapsed was because I missed the people. I went back "for my friends" and I really don't wish this for you, Silver. I am making efforts to reconnect with acquaintances myself, it's harder the older we get, the farther away we are from environments like a college etc. But for some reason, as I dare to get out of my comfort zone, attending some odd events for older people, I still met one woman at my age and then hung out another day as it turns out we had a lot in common. I am not saying every time you go to some event this will be it, but the more social events you attend the higher the chance is to meet someone who can be your friend later on. And there's another thing I noticed with me, I don't know if it will be of any use to you but.. I realized that all the other times I tried hanging out with old friends and such, I was bored with them and found them boring only for one reason: I only cared about the computer. I was trying to get away and give real life a chance but I wasn't ready and committed to it. Now, I went out with the same woman I had hung out years ago and had a good time, wasn't bored at all and talked without awkwardness. Either way, I'm sending you my best inspiring vibes. Don't go back to those people. < 3
  4. You are not alone, welcome to the forums. I started this thinking moderation can work for me. I ended up going cold turkey a few weeks later cause it was a half measure. Don't give up no matter which way you choose, always get back up and keep on moving.
  5. Imho this is absolutely fine to share. I think you and your partner could benefit greatly from discussing about the infrequent intimacy, and although it is a hard pill to swallow, a lot of times PMO is what gets in the way. Does your partner know of your struggles in this area? Women often suffer in silence when they know you're watching other women and getting satisfaction from the process, comparing themselves to the stars of those clips and always ending up thinking they're worthless. It can destroy the self esteem and confidence of a person and ruin the sex drive. Take a look at r/loveafterporn for context. What is stopping you guys from setting some time aside each week to be relaxed and talk and maybe have sex?
  6. You're crushing it, Lea. Well done! Never give up.
  7. I struggled with self esteem unknowingly for a lot of time, and for the longest I would always take other people's opinions as better than mine. I would try to be like them and hoped that this would make me likable. It worked, for literally a few hours or days. Do you know who ended up not liking me at all? Myself. I was betraying my values and beliefs and opinions, and the result was self doubt and feeling like I'm a worthless person. The book about self esteem in my signature gave me good understanding of where to draw the line between me and other people without being disrespectful or aggressive, it taught me the proper boundaries so to speak. I believe it will help you too, if you need assistance with the process.
  8. It makes absolute sense, yes. As far as I understand it so, the issues are the following: you are heavily affected by the relationship-centric environment/age you're in (aka peer pressure even if they don't do it with bad intentions), you are looking at relationships like a part of life that you are required to excell at in order to be a complete person (and this makes you anxious towards making any dating situation work) and your past experiences cling to your head and make you think pessimistic like about yourself in the present and future. All in all, I think you would benefit greatly from practicing the behaviors that reinforce our self esteem, you can read the book properly (it's in my signature) but I'll tell you that firstly finding out our personal values and beliefs and secondly focusing on satisfying these and not those pushed to us from other people, can really shift how we feel. It's hard to walk your own path, most people want you to be more like them and they'll try to change you. It's also a little lonely if you're surrounded by people who don't understand diversity of opinion and lifestyle, like if you're only hanging out with people of one political idea or only married people etc. But it's more empowering to stand up for ourselves in those discussions, maybe deflect those indirect expectations with some humor, and be not accepting of whatever people are trying to ask of us. I have personally struggled with self esteem in that I wanted those close people to me to like me, right? I was however disregarding my opinions, my values, as I was trying to be more like them. And that made me very unhappy, and even though people around me told me I was a nice person etc, I didn't believe them. I didn't believe it because what I was trying to behave like wasn't satisfying me, and we can't trick ourselves to like ourselves if we're not being true to what we need and desire and believe. At the end of the day, although having a significant other is a nice addition to like, it isn't a necessity. It's always better to get our life together first, work on our distorted beliefs or behaviors first, before risking becoming dependent on someone else's approval as it often turns out to happen in many relationships. I would advise you to look into cognitive distortions, there are some worksheets available around the internet for free, through which you can really see how your opinions about yourself, that self talk we all do inside our heads, is often plain wrong and surreal. Then you can work on replacing that with realistic perception, which will in turn change the way you feel about situations and hopefully lower your anxiety about them. It worked for me and I now have the worksheet imprinted on memory to ask myself such questions when I find myself speaking down to me.
  9. It appears like your work is doing you great harm. Are you finally ready to give it up maybe? I don't know anything else to suggest, this appears quite obvious to me but at the same time you don't seem like you want to do the big move from working there to not working there. The choice is in your hands, it's always been, and right now, every day, you're choosing this reality. You don't need to move states to change jobs, and I wouldn't recommend it especially right now that you are so emotionally vulnerable and lost, you have a support system in Massachusetts, you have nothing like that somewhere else. Why do you stay in this routine that causes you harm? This job appears like an abusive partner. Why are you giving it more time?
  10. No, I don't like working with other people on things, that's why I do it on my own. Total weight lost since I started is 13lbs so far, once I lose 3 more my BMI will be in normal range, but I will go much lower with time. I have considered getting a second job but it's not worth it, pros and cons.
  11. You can ask yourself. What do you think is the right thing for you to do? Don't listen to the addict, listen to the ideal you, the future, happy and fulfilled version of yourself. Would he agree with playing in moderation? A lot of people will give you an opinion based on their standards. Maybe these people aren't gaming addicts and they think you aren't either. But you hold the true answer inside you. Ask yourself.
  12. Day 2 sugar free, day 57 of no games. As I like to do, I've observed myself the past week and I noticed a few things. Something I didn't mention is that seven days ago, the Sunday I wrote the post before my previous one, I went out of the house on my own. I went and did a little shopping and a tiny walk. After that, I stayed indoors till Wednesday, which is when I went out with loved ones. I am quite positive that if I hadn't left the house on Sunday, I'd not have done my work as I did the following days, I'd not have had the same mood. I look back at my teenage years and I remember that when Saturdays came and for one reason or the other my friends couldn't hang out, I would be really irritated that I didn't get to go out. From all these, my current conclusion is I'm a person who needs sensory novelty to keep my sanity, walks outside, and a few other things I'll cover next. In my efforts to reconnect with old friends, I got in touch with three people, only one of them in my town sadly. I knew that my behavior towards them was different than in the past. This one person from my town that I spoke to these days, is the same person I thought was boring last time I was trying to go out and be social. What changed? I did, it's obvious to me that I am the one who was not wanting to open that door to people back then, I wasn't in the right state of mind yet. Now I observed that I was more friendly and chill with the person. I also managed to find a friend of mine on Facebook, a friend I haven't spoken to in 11 years, since high school. I found the person, unsure if it's who I'm looking for, but it turned out to be them. We spoke like not one day has passed, they even explained to me they, at that teenage age, had distanced themselves from me for a reason, and apologized to me for that. It was surprisingly honest and it only strengthened my respect and liking for the person. I was so happy that day when my friend and I spoke, and we arranged to meet up when they return to the hometown. Now what does this experience tell me? It tells me that I do need friends, I do need human contact in the real world, and that it makes me happy when it's good. And although I felt awkward initiating some messaging, it went away. I used to be a very popular person with numerous acquaintances, and I used to have pretty meaningful relationships with some of them. I might not be fit to spend more time alone drawing, not right now at least. I don't push it, when I see myself interested in other things in my free time. I research health and diet information, or beauty products, or DIYs on how to fix some imperfections. I am a pretty vain person, as in I care about how I look and if I can find ways to harmlessly fix some imperfections or prevent more from appearing, I will. I am in the process of fixing my relationship with food, as I've been trying to for months now. With new information that I've learned about what starvation mode really is, I'm less concerned about meeting minimum calories when I already feel full with my meal. I am not where I want to be mentally yet, as I still cheat with unhealthy foods a couple times per week when they are available in our pantry, but I'm learning lessons from my mistakes. Still, the weight is dropping gradually and I see my face is slimmer than how it was in older photos, I'm happy about it and looking forward to seeing the fat burn off my body. I won't stop trying until I get where I want to be. I think that no games, healthy foods and dropping weight are a more than enough combination of challenges on their own, and that I shouldn't feel guilty I'm not doing art in my free time right now. What do you think, reader? Should I try harder?
  13. This is normal, you know. Don't expect things to feel satisfactory right now, it's too early. Nothing will compare to the highs of gaming, and that's normal. When I started, I did my new hobbies like chores, and that's okay. It's better than gaming, no? If you read what happens to our brains with the constant stimulation from internet content, you will realize expecting things to feel good so soon is unrealistic. Stick with the chores so, and continue coming up with new hobbies to try. You won't feel like doing them if you're like me, and that's okay. It doesn't matter what you feel like doing at this point, the only thing that matters is that you slowly loosen the grip games and maybe internet content have on your brain and how it expects dopamine to come to it. A lot of people's brains stop producing dopamine at the same rate when people offer the brain free dopamine from outside sources all the time. That means when they take the sources away, people can even feel depressed until the brain starts producing more and more dopamine again. I have accepted this is something I caused myself, and I have accepted that I have to go through this process first in order to feel good afterwards. I am at around two months free from gaming and things still feel like chores from time to time. It's okay though, it's better than how it started. The more time passes, the more my brain will forget the games and adapt to my current lifestyle. I hope this realization won't discourage you, only inform you as to why you feel this way and that it's not that important in the long run when it comes to you getting your life together the way you want it to be. Time helps tremendously, your brain gets healed little by little. Atomic habits really helped me with this process too, I recommend it!
  14. Hello JPAO, well done so far! As a fellow addict, I'd really like to urge you to plan your day from the previous day and include, at first, at least one productive hobby or responsibility chore in. All my previous attempts in quitting games failed because I didn't replace my free time with anything, I only consumed content and was bored. I didn't make any effort to change my day, I was left with a big chunk of free time and games came back within a few weeks of misery. Be proactive, meditate on your desires for your life and self and put these desires down on paper in the form of daily tasks. Wish you all the best!
  15. I'm jumping in, since I read you're into intellectual stuff, to share with you this. Do you really want to buy it and play it? Words are the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. I think you feel like buying it and playing it, but what you want to do is succeed in rebuilding yourself. And so because of that, no, you don't want to buy it and play it, you don't want it at all. Your addicted part of the brain is just urging you to, and it's a useful divide that, isn't it? We are who we behave like. Urges, feelings, they are a result of what we behaved like until now. Your ideals are who you are, to use your words. p.s. Having high long term goals is one and good thing, having high expectations of how fast you will get there works very reverse in some people, they burn out fast and get discouraged. I advise balance and realism, I've crashed and burned before. ?
  16. fawn_xoxo


    That must have been really tough. Well done though. Some of us don't like to share we're abstaining from games for the flak we know we will receive if we do. It makes the process more painful, distances us from our addicted gamer friends even more and all in all doesn't achieve anything when you don't look for people to approve and support you through this hardship. Apart from sharing stories and struggles here, which for me is an alternative to meetings of addicts IRL, I don't think people can help me with the process very much, since it's all about our individual choices. And I know my gamer friends really won't ever help me get away from games, since their priorities are warped just like mine were in the past.
  17. Hey Jay, happy to read you're doing so well! I would just like to share with you one thing for the only purpose of protecting your successes in the future. I have quit and come back to games many times, and for me that was because I thought that once things started getting better, I could do it without repercussions. I thought I was no longer addicted, I gamed, then I got hooked again. Because of this personal experience I'd like to suggest to you, if at some point you feel confident that you can play again, postpone it for three months. If you find yourself angsty and nervous at the idea of pushing that date away, you'll know games still have a hold on you. I think none of us here is really done with games, same way an alcoholic can't ever just casually drink. Wish you the best!
  18. You have been doing very well! Is it okay to ask, what stresses you out to the point of panic attacks? I experience them from time to time too, naturally anxious sorta.
  19. fawn_xoxo

    Who am I

    Welcome to the forums! I also felt and still on some days feel lost about this process, because my past actions told my brain gaming is the biggest part of my identity BUT it gets better the more things you do that aren't games. Stay strong and with the process, it will slowly feel less strange. Crying is normal, and a great natural way to get rid of bad stuff inside you both literally (stress hormones etc) and figuratively speaking. As a woman myself with a long term relationship my honest opinion is that no woman who loves her man will ever mind seeing his emotions come out, when you love someone you are made happy by whatever helps them and relieves them. On that note I'd like to suggest to you that you DO use your planner and put in time slots for work, chores and your time with your fiancee too! Maybe try to set up some dates, or simply define exactly how important she is to you, because as you said people perceive that through the time you spend with them. My personal experience in the past: Every time I tried to quit games without replacing the time with other activities, I went back to gaming. It didn't help that everything else seemed boring in comparison. I didn't know that was a side effect of the addiction. That boredom can really be the worst temptation, which is why I personally plan out my days to avoid any big stretches of free time. My idea is if I've been addicted for a decade, I'd better be vigilant for another decade too. Stay strong and disciplined, well done so far!
  20. Imho seeing real life tasks and responsibilities as a mountain is simply the direct result of having been away, ignoring those things while gaming all these years. Gaming made us all ignore things like that, and made it all look so annoying in comparison. You don't need to change your mindset, your mindset will change when your actions change. In a literal sense, if you don't like the view from a certain a spot, get up and move to another spot. Figuratively that means taking the actions that you feel resistant towards. There's no easy path, your mind follows your actions. If you want to feel differently, act differently. Yeah it's hard, but if you wanted it easy you would have stuck with virtual life.
  21. When you are used to doing things at work because you have people expecting you to, it is hard to work when nobody is watching, yeah? I have no boss myself, and never had, which is a blessing and a curse. Forcing yourself to work, aka discipline, is necessary in freelancing, I sadly have no other suggestions other than that. It gets easier the more you do it. Imho, when you're about to do a professional change like that, it isn't wise for you to prioritize hobbies, going out and other fun activities over setting up and completing your freelancing tasks, because what you are doing is piling up a stress stack awaiting for you and while you do everything else you still have all the things waiting for you at the back of your mind, not letting you enjoy the moment. At least that's my experience back when I gamed and postponed work. You don't need days off, you need to stick to your to do list once you're off work, complete things and that's gonna make you feel lighter and satisfied. As a freelancer, I'm often told how lucky I am to not have a boss. People have the impression that if you don't have a boss you magically have all the motivation in the world to work just like people with a boss do , and I want to warn you not to expect yourself to work all day like you describe in the ideal situation. It doesn't consistently happen with anyone I know in the freelancing world, maybe some days are like that, but most aren't when you're an average lazy person like most of us are. Work is work, even if we chose it over a 9to5 job. Be realistic, do a few tasks every day and watch the little accomplishments accumulate. The more you linger in doing nothing, the harder it will be to start doing tasks, the easier your bad habits will lure you back. Boredom loves instant gratification. "Eat your frog. First thing in the day."
  22. fawn_xoxo


    You will be upfront about it by admitting to them that what you did until now was wrong. It could be a humorous retort like, hey just cause I was an asshole before doesn't mean I can't be nice now, or even straight up direct and serious admission that you don't like how you were before etc. But you need to state something, cause people really won't get it until months after otherwise and it might discourage you. Very well done on making plans with time you know will be free. This is how you get out of the addiction successfully.
  23. Hello Amir and welcome to the forums. Here you'll find a lot of people who have and do struggle with the same things. Would you like to share how a typical day was for you before you decided to quit gaming and what you plan your new days to look like?
  24. Hello again, I think your last journal entry is realistic and fair to yourself, recognizing the positive and what you could have done better both. This is a path of change, and change is hard, but you're taking steps, active steps to walk it. imho you're doing it right. As far as arguing goes, I think for many people it's an indirect way to massage our own ego through our points, maybe a way to attack others even indirectly, but in the end I feel like if we ask ourselves "Does this behavior take me closer to who and where I want to be?" we know that it doesn't help us be kinder and more forgiving or accepting.
  25. Would you care to share how you are going about this process of changing? You mention your understanding of how you got to the situation you are at right now, and that helps, but what are the steps you are taking to improve the situation, your state of mind etc? I think a lot of people would benefit from that knowledge.