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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. Day 233.   No games, day 28 +previous total of 176. Checklistnegativity free: yesavoided eating animals: yes, 10 days streak afaik1 gratitude practice per day: yes1 fruit per day: YES, TWO SERVINGSSS8 glasses of water per day: unsure, but at least drank a lotsodas free: yes, even though I had cravings sweets free: YES, even though I wanted to eat ice cream again, I didn't! some exercise per day: FREAKING YES! Sunday and I did little bits of exercise outdoors, once with loved ones and once alone! Writing here I realize I did well in diet choices and in exercise and I'm happy for that! I also did some work today, but spent a lot of time outdoors with family and acquaintances, which was good! Not all days will be like this one and I do have some tasks to tackle professionally, but it was good to have a big dose of socialization, or a few. I really feel like I am slowly finding myself and it's really relieving that the people in my life, the really important ones, are still here and happy for it and accepting towards it. It makes a huge impact, not to feel rejected, when you change (or reveal yourself, I guess). Thank you so much for the boost @Deku ! If you need a boop or some feedback please don't hesitate to tag me in your journal any time! Sometimes I spend more time contributing to other journals than my own... ?
  2. fawn_xoxo


    There IS a difference man! You did meaningless things, yes, but not the one most harmful thing you have told yourself you won't do. At first we all cope via what we know, and internet is easy a distraction from the pain of withdrawal. You didn't game, and that's a victory. Don't downplay it! It's a fact , that you didn't relapse, it's not sugar coating something. It's a positive outcome in a negative/triggering situation. Recognize it! The book about Self esteem in my signature really helped me START having the right perspective on this matter. We, as you said, do not control the world around us. We should not take that blame on our shoulders. We control how we react to the world and we have to be responsible for that, but only for that. A big part of self acceptance is also about accepting what is and what is not in our control, as you also said. I think it's a really good move to remove your laptop from your room, try to hold true to this with strictness. I am having an okay time cutting down more than one thing at a time and I don't think it's dangerous if you're in the right state of mind. Remember, for every single thing we remove from our schedule, we have to find something else or it won't work long term. It's really crucial to getting better in my personal experience. Someone I love says that we should be careful what we say to ourselves cause our self listens. In that train of thought, I would say that you are not giving up anything with gaming actually. Gaming made you give up on yourself every day and at long last you stopped that b!tch from doing that to you! (Personalization of an addiction, why not!) If you feel unsure, go ahead and make a pros-cons list and re-persuade yourself, I'd say! I am all in all very glad to see you explore your psyche like this, because for me these moments are very cathartic. If nothing else, they offer me some clarity (to write things down) and when I'm done writing I'm usually much more calm and logical than when I started typing. I think being honest and open minded and reading yourself (or trying to, still counts) is the best thing you can do. Also, action, as you said!
  3. Welcome back Deku! I'm happy to see you escaped potentially harmful environments and you're already prepared to take on new challenges. You're young, more self aware than a lot of people and with a good brain on your shoulders. A lot of paths which were previously foggy because of addiction are now clear ahead of you!
  4. Day 231,232.   No games, day 26,27 +previous total of 176. Checklistnegativity free: yesavoided eating animals: yes, 9 days streak afaik1 gratitude practice per day: 1 fruit per day: no8 glasses of water per day: lsodas free: yessssweets free: ate an ice cream some exercise per day: noneI wanted to quickly check in here. I spent Friday helping out loved ones with some chores and barely did any work as a result. Yesterday I had to do some more of that and also a childhood friend visited my location and we got together. How I like going out of the house with friends! I feel like I've been having those chances to grow socially lately and I'm thankful for that. I'm discovering myself finally and I'm finding out who I am and what I want, little by little. It's rewarding. I feel like while I was gaming I was hiding all my personality from the world, afraid of judgment, and this has created fears and doubts in me that I'm now working on. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've been getting lately to show myself and grow myself. I know that I still need to work on more things, but I have been feeling better towards my self esteem these last days. I need not be like someone else, to be good, loved or accepted. I might be vain and have a fashion taste that doesn't match my humble location or culture, but this doesn't mean I should suppress it just to fit in. I don't need to fit in, I do need to feel connected with friends and loved ones, and I need to feel true to myself with them. I need not become like them to be accepted and loved, and I'm thankful that the times I've mentioned this lightly to some people in my life, they've been supportive. It makes it easier, having that reassurance that you are appreciated for who you are and whoever you might think you'll become. Realizing I'm dramatic in my whole life has actually made it easier for me to accept that I can get dramatic and exaggerate about more things, like anxious and negative thoughts. This new perspective has allowed me to slightly easier notice when I exaggerate negatively in my mind and come up with worst case scenarios. If I can notice that it's an exaggeration, I can choose to dismiss it. I've been living life and I wish my every day life was more active, like these past couple of days. I've gotten used to being lazy and only through interaction with other people do I get ideas as to what I can do differently to change that. And I like being with people much more than being alone, I keep thinking about that and hope to find ways to do it properly.
  5. fawn_xoxo


    Every time I tried to quit games before GQ, I replaced them with passive activities. That was why I failed all those times. And it's not easy to pick yourself up, a lazy self in my case too, and force them to take action outside what they're familiar with, however it's that which the process demands. For me it was a good idea to trust this tested process and trust that I at least shouldn't do what proved not to work before. You will decide what it is you'll replace all this free time with, but it's true that you need to take action in order to recover faster. These big journal entries are a big investment you are making, an investment to yourself. I understand self loathing all too well, because it was a stage that lasted very long for me. But do know that admitting we have an addiction is the first and crucial step to then find out how to deal with it. You are making great progress, and it is because you devote all this time to journaling if you ask me. It might help you to be honest with yourself in a private physical journal when it comes to things you might not want GQ to read, you will still get the benefit of processing everything and being aware. We get further via this self reflection progress and you're doing better because you put in the hours and effort and heart.
  6. I really feel what you said about gaming not having a really negative effect in life in terms of severe consequences. I've taken to calling myself privileged for that reason, but I use it as a way to push myself and make me use that privilege to actually do better than before. Still struggling with laziness though. Don't let the mainstream rat race mentality overtake you, just because what you spent your day on didn't make you money or got you closer to having a better professional skill it doesn't mean you weren't productive! You were productive in caring for some social needs of yours and in finding yourself. We're human beings and we need a big list of things to feel whole.
  7. You're doing a really good job man. This transparency and vulnerability talk will go a long way to build an even deeper bond I think, if not also inspire your husband. I'm also trying to avoid multiple things at once, and have been from the start. I think depending on our emotional state at each time, quitting one thing might be difficult enough at one time in our lives, or quitting multiple things might feel just right at another time. You seem to feel stable enough to take on these things, so why not? It's really good to read your full perspective in this journal, too.
  8. I completely understand you man. When I get upset I feel really overwhelmed by emotion and I've said things I regret to people in the past in that state. I always need to express those feelings personally, or they eat me up inside, but I always find myself too dramatic afterwards too. xD Silver lining: You are still away from games and fapping and you're doing those pushups, despite everything! A Game of Thrones Quote: “Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?' 'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”
  9. Hey Tzen, I also carried shame and guilt and regret with me for years while I was trying to quit games. I tried many times before finding GQ, I failed them all, and I felt worse and worse. We have all probably hurt people in our lives one way or another and we all feel bad for that. But we can make amends, vow to be honest even in our vulnerability, and it goes a long way to persuade the other person that you're making a real change. I don't know your partner or your relationship of course, but I think that you sharing a lot of your thoughts and feelings with her must help with that. I have tried keeping my struggles to myself in the past, leaving loved ones out of them because I wanted to appear strong, but for me it was the wrong practice. It helped me much more to let people in the process and what I'm going through, and also gave them this knowledge of what's going on and how and what I'm really working with here. You're not alone in these feelings but they also have this silver lining, they prove that you've understood what's happened and thus one more reason to not go back, and people will secretly be relieved to see that I think.
  10. fawn_xoxo


    You answered it very well! You're doing a really good job in trying to self-discover here, being honest with your thoughts and such. It does sound like a tiring process, I understand it completely. Maybe it is a good strategy to write down all the negatives of gaming, put it in the drawer and, when you get an urge, you take it out and read it? If I understand it correctly, a part of you isn't persuaded that gaming and gaming content is problematic for you, the inner debate isn't settled yet. If that's the case, I suggest you print this article ( https://nosurf.org/2018/08/28/how-the-internet-changes-your-brain/ )and put it in the drawer for when you need the extra arguments to remind yourself why you are doing this. You can also try this: When the thoughts come, allow them to be and listen to them with your mental ears so to speak. Then inwardly tell them, "I understand this is what one part of me thinks is right, but I have decided to give the detox a go and this is what I'll do." And then move on to take some sort of action, a hobby, a chore, something! Because what is happening (again if I understand correctly) is that you're actually giving time to the addict in you and allowing it to speak to you too much. Someone else in this forum had one said, thoughts like those can be treated like a younger sibling. It's no good to blame it for suggesting stupid things to us (because then we'd be self hating) but we can politely ignore what they're saying since we know better now. I hope I helped and didn't confuse you further!
  11. fawn_xoxo


    From my own angst and frustration I can tell you that it's not possible for the human brain to "not think about something". When we focus on not gaming, we are actually focused on gaming but in a negative way. It's one thing to feel the urge and admit it, but it's another thing to stay static and think about the gaming and how you shouldn't do it. The mind can think, instead, of another thing. If you'd like to go deeper, try to pin point what "focusing all my mental energy on not gaming" translates to. Is it a specific set of thoughts? Is it feelings in your stomach or body in general? It's a good start I think.
  12. I have mostly health concerns about the repercussions of eating animals long term, because as far as I've read there's proof we're made (intestines, teeth, stomach pH) like animals that eat plants, and although I understand eating whatever you can get your hands on when it's freezing cold and you are a caveman or so, there's plenty of other options right now, even if it's not customary in society yet. Being completely honest, I do have some ethical concerns but not consistently, though lately as I've been reconnecting with myself and caring less about what people might say about me, I've been feeling more like staying away from eating slayed beings. I don't care about being low carb or high protein, I am trying to eat more plants since the majority of the population (me included) are fiber deficient! Since evidence seems to support you can even be an Olympic athlete on plants, I'm not worried about macronutrients right now, just quality food, homecooked etc. What's your diet like? @JustTom
  13. Day 230.  No games, day 25 +previous total of 176. Checklistnegativity free: yesavoided eating animals: yes, 7 days streak afaik1 gratitude practice per day: no1 fruit per day: no8 glasses of water per day: like 5?sodas free: yessssweets free: ate HALF an ice cream some exercise per day: noneI am so happy that the weight is going down! I spent some time doing chores and errands so far, but first thing in the morning I got a shiny number on the scale! I still have weight to lose but I'm not overweight any more! Maybe 20lbs? We'll see how I look as I lose pounds and decide then. Not eating animals is keeping my whole diet so much cleaner, no burgers or pizzas or meatballs or anything, the options to eat out are wayyyy too few and so far I've eaten salads and such, and fruits at home. It can be easy it seems, if only I follow a good vegetable and legume based diet, like models do. I'd like to look more like a model, yes I would. XD Later in the day after I went to the hairdresser, I got really upset. Really upset. She didn't cut my hair in the best way she could. She elongated my face with the way she cut it, and in part that's impossible for me to fix until it grows longer. I actually cried over it and I'm not ashamed for it. This taught me something: I'm a dramatic person in the whole spectrum. Just like I feel really horrible when I get a negative thought, I also felt really angry about hair, even though hair grows in some months. It's a good lesson about who I am, so that I have some perspective when judging myself harshly. I feel good things big, too. It's a balanced situation in a way. I had bought this ice cream the other day and this day I ate a little. I left the majority in the tube. I'm happy with this decision, and my attitude towards food right now. I'm not overeating at this time in my life. When I physically feel I've had my meal, I stop eating. I don't eat just because it's in my plate and I should empty it, in example. I'm putting myself first and societal habits second. Brick by brick, I feel I'm building a foundation of self acceptance and maybe love and celebration of the self. For the most part I feel.. I don't know what I feel for the most part. I have great moments, usually with loved ones, and I have a lot of thoughtful moments when I consider my present and future choices. I'm writing this in the morning of the next day, as I feel thoughtful again. I want to draw again but I don't know if want it deep inside. I think its lonely factor is what makes it undesirable to me. Working from a computer is already lonely enough. I feel much more like myself when I'm talking with people. It feels like self expression in a way being alone and doing things doesn't. I only like to do things if I can share them with people, too. Maybe I'm not meant to be an artist? Yesterday I thought about potentially following a fashion stylist career once I'm done with university. It's a social job and it involves pretty things. It's not as glamorous or as well paid as other jobs I guess, but I've never been money greedy. Just spitting out thoughts.
  14. Welcome to the forums, you sound like you've more than prepared for this! In my personal experience, the first weeks' cravings are strong whenever you are idle. So I'd suggest planning every day with maximum 3 hours free (to just have a shower, cook etc). You need your mind busy, or it works against you (because it's been used to gaming). What are your favorite things to do outside the house?
  15. Welcome back Joshua, it's good to see you are keeping your word to yourself and coming back to journal. Making out what goals you need to achieve is a great start. You sound decisive, would you like to share what plans you have for dealing with the free time you now have from not playing games? This was the most helpful change in my journey personally.
  16. Day 229.  No games, day 24 +previous total of 176.Checklistnegativity free: Had one moment of paranoia that I dealt with and I'm happy about itavoided eating animals: yes, 6 days streak afaik1 gratitude practice per day: yes1 fruit per day: yes8 glasses of water per day: sodas free: yes, 5 days streaksweets free: YES some exercise per day: noneI am so happy with my choice to not be distracted by youtube anymore. Sure, now that I am home after half a day of being outdoors with loved ones, I feel the lazy urge to be on youtube and waste time but no, I won't do it! Thank you @BrassWolf, and thank you @Elite333, since you made me go back to the start of my journal and reread it. This reminded me of some goals and one of those is to read. I went to the super market and they had a book section but I considered the options of e-books on a device I can take with me wherever I go digitally, and so I didn't buy a physical book. However today, now that I'm home, I will do some work and eat some healthy food and a serving of fruits, then look on amazon for fiction books to buy one and start reading it as relaxation before bed. I am also happy that when I went out today, I got food from a salad bar and ate very healthy! I also was offered soda but I said no thanks! This isn't always going to be the case, since just yesterday going out with friends required me ordering something with sugar in it, there was literally nothing else there, though gotta celebrate what victories we do achieve and just wait out the bad days. Weight dropped again today and I'm so hopeful for that. If I keep up my promises to myself about my diet, I am sure I will look so much better in a few months. Just gotta be consistent about it! I did however buy a couple of bags of chips and an ice cream and a can of energy drink from the super market.. Will I eat and drink them as a one day cheat meal? Should I? For now I'm holding off. Maybe I will forget about them and they'll just be ten bucks wasted on food I won't eat, but at least that way it will not become belly fat on me! Or maybe I can actually consume them as an one-off thing? We'll see. It's alright though, I won't stress so much about it. I haven't done much productive wise today since it was a day out, but if I do anything I might update here later on. It seems that the more I keep at it, the more the good days become in the sum of all days. I am grateful for that and reconnecting with my spiritual side, taking better care of myself in multiple fields, but I do need to not forget to get better in my work habits and productivity.
  17. Welcome to the forums man, and welcome to life. We all struggle and we all make mistakes, but as long as we're trying to be in a better place than the week before, we're doing the right thing.
  18. Hello tired orange. What's your plan this time? I've found that I only really did well with the detox once I forced myself to do other things in all the newfound free time I had from not gaming, despite not feeling like it.
  19. Day 228.  No games, day 23 +previous total of 176.I didn't do my 2 goals for today, reeeee!Checklistnegativity free: I had some paranoid thoughts that I dealt with properly avoided eating animals: yes, 5 days streak afaik1 gratitude practice per day: none yet, strike that, this journal helps me remember things to be grateful about, so yes1 fruit per day: yes8 glasses of water per day: yessodas free: yes, 5 days streaksweets free: I ate icecream when I went out with friends, everything there had sugar anyway some exercise per day: none I did some work today, I did some chores, I went out with friends and it was a lot of fun. I did have some paranoid thoughts but unlike other times I dealt with them faster and easier, with more confidence. I have been working more intensely on my self esteem, focusing on myself and prioritizing myself. I have been focused on my diet, if not on exercise yet, and keeping true to the goals and promises I made to myself about those. I am not perfect but I'm doing very well so far I think. I want to do better, but I shouldn't be extreme or go to perfectionism. I am grateful that I am doing better. It is not a given and it is not granted or guaranteed. A lot of things happen to people, things go wrong. But lately things have been looking up for me. I am thankful for that. I have been reconnecting with my values, even if they might bring me to conflict, minor at that, with people I care about. I want to achieve self expression without feeling embarrassed or ashamed that people will notice my style choices. I want to be proud for the details in my outfits and if people look, that's okay. I like pretty things, wearing them or making myself into someone prettier. Some people will not approve, especially people who prefer more usual, casual outfits or in general staying unnoticed, but that's alright. Do I need people's approval? I need my approval. This is to remind myself, I'm not 100% there yet, I'm practicing. XD Tomorrow I'm going to be social again. I don't know if my goal to exercise in the house is suitable to my character, I've avoided it for a long time. But tomorrow I have to consider those recipes so that I can buy the appropriate groceries etc. I want to eat like the people I want to look like. I want to continue getting on the scale and seeing the numbers go down. I want to be in tune with my values and goals and desires. Right now those are more appearance focused than career, but at least I have goals I feel strongly about. I need to work more and procrastinate less. Tomorrow I will try to only watch youtube while I eat and set a timer for 30'. When I take breaks from work, I should change rooms and positions. I need to distance myself from the computer even more, because the habit of being on it (because of games) is still keeping me here, away from doing more active things while I'm in the house. I need to change this and do more things in the house that don't include the computer, like reading. Little side note-thought is that although when I returned to gaming for those 3 weeks or so I had this close contact with gaming friends, almost no one has messaged me ever since I didn't show up again. We're all connected just because of the games in there, it seems, we're not real friends. It's okay, just thought to share it. People are probably immersed in the game and they don't think about me, I just notice it cause I'm no longer in there myself. I'm feeling sleepy though so off I go!
  20. I understand a lot of this pain you are experiencing, even if my first months didn't include the extra grief from losing loved ones. I felt lost and I still feel lost in many ways, especially when it comes to what the heck I'll do with my life. I also consider lowering my computer usage to just work and some youtube to look at while I eat (so maybe 30 minutes per day versus hours I clock in these days). You probably know this, as you mentioned cognitive distortions at the beginning, but you reading your worst case scenario in your ex's IG post is just that, your emotional side taking the reins and telling you things. In reality nobody knows why she is feeling better and whether you were really that bad towards her. I suggest accepting that you can not know the reasons and if you want to learn more it is the most logical thing to contact her. If you decide to do that, I think the adult thing to do would be to ask her at the start of a call, hey is it okay to chat or does this make you feel bad? This way she can choose for herself. You're not responsible for her actions, only for yours. In my experience, the negative energy has to be processed. The thoughts you get, the doubts, the fears, don't let them unattended. Write them down, 'debunk' them, even if it doesn't make them go from 100 to 0 strength. Just do the work for yourself, because there is no other way to reprogram our brains to think logically, only this, I've found. I hope this helps. The journey is ongoing for all of us, 90 days are just the beginning in my experience. But we get better, one step at a time, I feel. You should also know that your contribution to the forums is appreciated, and this side of you doesn't sabotage anyone, you bring hope and light and understanding to some of us. We can't always do right, but we do right too, as we sometimes do wrong. As long as we learn and strive to get better than yesterday, we are fulfilling our duty to ourselves I think.
  21. This is one more occasion when you are spending your time thinking about and focusing on other people. This is a journey about you. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself and it is not to your benefit to spend any time on other people. You often reek of anger and hate, you show no empathy to other people, you make no effort to wonder what their life, their angle might be like. You hate this, hate that, the other thing. I am sorry to read you feel this way so often. Maybe your past is to blame for that in part, but you are responsible for how you handle it and what you do in the present moment. If you ever pick up the book about self esteem in my signature, you will benefit greatly from it. It shows us to be responsible about our thoughts, emotions and actions, to care for ourselves, to protect ourselves without being rude to other people, setting boundaries and going after what we desire, all the while having ourselves in the center. But reading it without changing your behaviors, as you mentioned already, will not help. I don't think your situation, your thoughts and feelings are beyond hope, or that you are losing, so to speak. I do think that you haven't yet decided to seriously help yourself. For the most part you decide to project your negative feelings on other people instead. A lot of people do that, but it doesn't help them. You can choose to help yourself if you want to.
  22. fawn_xoxo


    I can tell you that I wasn't on any meds, yet for weeks nothing was interesting when I quit games. It goes to show exactly how much our brains are affected by this, right? Once you go past a certain time point, it gets better. I had paranoid and anxious thoughts about people because of the isolation I put myself in to game. I understand what you're going through. Exposure helps, but it has to be paced right. Don't ask too much from yourself at once, ask to be brave and try facing the trigger, that's a good first step and you're taking it, so well done. I suggest planning a whole day from the previous one, including time to just do the chores or shower and cook, but also duties and one little hobby slot per day. If you go to the last page of my diary you'll see I recently found out about a model of finding happiness, called perma, and I think it actually includes a lot of useful directions to take as a guideline. Remember to not be idle for long. Good job so far!
  23. Day 226+227.  No games, day 21+22 +previous total of 176. I forgot to check in yesterday cause I was tired, reeeeeeee! Checklistnegativity free: I didn't have any negative thoughts about myself or others today.1 gratitude practice per day: no(yesterday), not yet for today1 fruit per day: YES!8 glasses of water per day: YESsodas free: yes, 5 days streaksweets free: yesterday I had dessert, but today.. yes, 5 days streak with 1 indulgence some exercise per day: none I have been reading and watching videos about nutrition but also health in general. I want to be fitter, slimmer and also eliminate potential diseases and for this reason I am avoiding ordering food from places, but also eating meat and dairy. I am not looking at it as a detox, but I want to add a counter of how many days I have stayed away from consuming flesh and animal products. I have been a heavy meat eater and my family is the same, something I would like to change, at least for myself. It's hard to prefer vegetables and fruits as a meal when I have the option of meat, however getting educated on it and seeing studies on how vegetables and fruits are really good for you, I am giving it a serious try. Slowly my sweet receptors will adapt to this too I hope, and I won't crave sweets as much as I have so far. avoided eating animals: yes, 4 days streak afaik, maybe 5 ? I have been thinking about my personal development these days as I wrote the other day, otherwise I have been working and spending some time with loved ones. This is a long journey, it feels like, but I'm glad that I started it when I did. If I hadn't, I would have to wait all these 190+ days anew, if I was to start now. I am doing better than I was doing before and games aren't good for me. I did the right thing, even if I was deep in denial and ignorance back then and bliss from ignorance, I now know that there are things in my personality to correct and skills to develop and areas in which I can grow. Weight has been dropping consistently, little by little, and I am very happy for that. I need to continue with this practice. Water, a lot of good foods, cooking my food myself, and treating my stomach like a bank and investment of sorts. If fit people eat healthy and enjoy it, I need to follow in their traces and do the same. This way I will finally look the way I want to look and later on I can go to the gym to even be fit and strong too. Goals for tomorrow: do a 15 minutes workout at home and plan 15 vegetarian dishes that I can create myself at home easily and reliably. I have postponed both of those enough! I need to take action, and I need to be proactive instead of getting hangry and bored with my food choices.
  24. fawn_xoxo


    Planning your hours spent on the computer and scheduling them to be productive will probably be a good measure to battle that. I work from a computer as well and I have realized, through time and frustration/boredom, that I actually do not like being behind a desk all day. So, make yourself do other things when you're not working/studying for your university and that will solve the other problem too. In general I've found what we have to do is replace.