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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. As you said yourself, this is just like any other addiction in the sense that it provides us with endorphins, right? Well, since you have dealt with games addiction once, you have the tools to organize your life in a way that will help you not rely on will power for beating the porn addiction. The most important step for any addiction is having a busy schedule imho. I have problematic eating habits myself, and I can be triggered to eat because of emotions, because of places that have great food, because of places that are tied to food (cinema anyone?). I will be setting myself up for failure if I expect myself to say no to everything every time, instead I have to come up beforehand with a plan of action for each of those situations. So study your triggers and write them down. Is it your body which is ready to go and it's asking you for release? Maybe you can change the habit by replacing PMO with just MO, aka how people did it before the internet. Is it boredom and frustration? Maybe it's time to revisit your hobbies list and actively engage in something the moment you get the thoughts. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it. I said no to extra food yesterday, a small victory that boosted my self esteem after the fact, even if at the moment the pain of discipline was there. "We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." Jim Rohn
  2. I can totally see myself stressing about the lack of control too, but I think the useful question here would be this: Which of all the factors that are affecting your schedule are in your control? Because we all need to be responsible of our circumstances however we need to firstly know which circumstances are in our control, so that we don't blame ourselves for things that we can't affect.
  3. Day 55-56, December 27-28th 2018No sugar daysNo gaming day 27-28 Aaaaand I'm out of the emotional swamp. ? I got a realistic perspective on how much I should expect from the time I put in the drawing and just all around adjusted my unrealistic expectations about it. I am starting to find some enjoyment in it too! I am still not 'there' when it comes to being able to focus as long as I imagine a person not addicted to the internet might be able to focus, but with every week that passes it seems I can stay on one task a little more and a little more. I am satisfied with these small gradual changes and progress!
  4. First of all, I am so happy to read pretty much everything you wrote in this thread! You are turning the page, you are making progress! It has been incredibly helpful to me to schedule my day and be accountable to myself, because even when I am procrastinating and being lazy, and I snooze my reminders for my planned activities, that behavior nags me. So I might not do what I should be doing at the time I had planned, I might move it to later, but I will do it! And I wasn't like that before! But moving on to something I want to comment on specifically: It is imho of paramount importance to understand why we do some things, because if we do not have that knowledge then we are not as well equipped to deal with the problems that might arise when we try to change our behaviors. In example, if I do not have the awareness that I eat extra food because I am bored, simply saying I will quit will only work until my will power gets depleted, which only lasts like 3 days right? However when I have the knowledge of the reasons behind my behavior, then I can come up with a plan to deal with the underlying issues!
  5. Although helping others feel better is a nice indirect way of feeling good about yourself, it's still a filtered way towards self esteem. I would suggest a balanced approach in how you spend your free time, half of it being for activities that make you have fun and like yourself more, half of it for activities that make other people feel better. You don't want to only depend on others for those good feelings I think, and practicing self esteem via doing things that you satisfy the self helps with that. Check out the Six pillars of self esteem book if you care about the topic.
  6. Day 50-54, December 22-26th 2018No sugar daysNo gaming day 22-26 I feel so bad. I feel so emotional. I don't feel like gaming at all, I am just not happy right now. Some stuff happened in RL during the holidays that gave me a lot of stress and I have also been getting annoyed by things that are happening in RL, cause they are small little things that add up, ruining my mood, day after day. Delays, changes of plans which affect me negatively and stuff like that. I haven't left the house for almost a week because of the holidays, everything being either too crowded or closed and this might have to do with it, cause I don't like staying in the four walls of my house too much, I need a dose of the world outside. I work every day now (in my house), I am productive. I draw every day, like I had said I would, but I feel no pleasure in doing it the last few days. I have no reason to draw, I don't have those ideas in my head that artists have, or that desire to express myself, I don't have any of that. And even if I think of reasons, like portraits of characters I like, I know that I won't have a result I like right now, cause I am not good at drawing yet. In order to get good at drawing I have to learn fundamentals and the process is so repetitive, and although that was tolerable at first, after doing for days, even if I've seen progress, I don't like it right now. The progress isn't enough to make me happy, because the awareness of all the things I don't know and are stopping me for creating beautiful pieces makes me overwhelmed and discouraged. I am aware of all the things that need fixing if I try to draw something, and so I feel it isn't worth it. I also understand that drawing, like all other arts that I've dabbled in, needs time. A good drawing might need 1.5hr to complete. A painting might need 10 hours in total to complete. But right now, under these circumstances, I don't feel like it is good for me to stay and do things that I am really bad at for so many hours. It also is lonely and I've never liked spending a lot of time alone, it doesn't feel rewarding to just be with myself. I don't think this sounds healthy though, so idk. These emotions have been piling up inside me for days now. I am taking it easy since yesterday, being more loose in my schedule, but idk if it's for the better. I just don't want to pressure myself, I want these emotions out of my system and to be calm and neutral. I know myself. I know that this will pass once I get a chance to get out, change scenery for a few hours, get out of my head. I know that I will get back on the horse and continue learning, but right now I'm just feeling like this and sharing it. I am putting it down on 'paper' just so I can get a clearer view and start planning on how to get out of this rut. So, key things: • I don't like being alone for too long. I don't like staying in my house too many days in a row, I only did this the past years because gaming kept me glued to the computer, addicted. Now that I don't have such a reason, I feel very frustrated with staying in the same place for many hours. I get bored, I eat to cope with boredom and restlessness, then my weight gets affected too. So I might need to get a gym subscription, which will get me out of the house for an hour as often as I feel like, will help a little with the weight loss and offer a solution for doing something away from the computer that isn't walking out in the cold. Or I might try to just go for a walk when I feel like that, then come back with fresh desire to stay indoors where it's warm. • I like working alone, but I don't like working only for myself to see. I have to find a way for the art journey to become more social, even if online only, so that I get motivation from other people, that's what works for me. I don't like producing art just for me, it isn't satisfactory to me, it isn't enough.
  7. Day 38-49, December 10th-21th 2018No sugar daysNo gaming day 17-21 I have been doing drawing every day and only missed one day cause my arm hurt! I am proud of myself. I am still feeling lost on whether drawing is for me, but missing it when I don't do it and wanting to do it more than just the dedicated time I have scheduled for it are good signs, right? If you've been following this thread, you know I tried gaming again for a few days and at this point, in this period of my life, my focus on work and progressing in drawing has me... disinterested naturally. Yeah, this is happening actually and I like it and I dislike it both but ultimately I know it's for the best. I wanna draw well, I wanna paint pretty things and people, and being consistent towards it is how I'll do it. And being consistent and dutiful with work is how I will achieve a stable income and maybe an increased one, who knows! I put a rough estimate in the no gaming days cause I wasn't keeping track of which days I logged on the game. What I experienced a lot was, I logged in, realized I wasn't getting any useful things there, logged off. Sort of like habitual seeking of distraction, then ignoring that urge and going back to doing something either productive or wasting time in other ways. All in all I'm doing rather well, my good sleep routines are going well, I get up early and I am in bed usually by 11pm or 11.30pm and feel rested when I wake up! The Atomic Habits book really motivated me to push through and " Just do it " regarding things, putting one foot in front of the other and just trusting in the process that by acting like the person I want to be, I'll end up wanting to do these things. So far it's actually working! Last week with the approaching holidays and the Christmas foods my calories tracking and water tracking has NOT been going well but eh! I will start the new day with stronger efforts. I'm thankful for this community, and a little embarrassed for not posting more often even though I have thoughts to share, but I am a bit caught up with that drawing progress and researching that and getting better (hopefully!). You see me more responding to other people's posts when I feel I have something helpful to share XD
  8. You'll probably get bored of me but I have to share one (more) thing with you from one of the books I've talked to you about. (Yeah, I opened the book to type this on here, word for word! xD) ________________________________ The practice of self responsibility: I am responsible for my personal happiness. One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else's job to make me happy- much as it was once my parents' job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility I may inside it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free. ... In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs. ... No one is coming to save me, no one is coming to make life right for me, no one is coming to solve my problems. If I don't do something, nothing is going to get better. ____________________________ Get the book! xD
  9. What you say here resonates with a lot of people who see games as a bad habit, but haven't had games ruin their life completely. If you see my own journal here, you'll see that when I started I wanted to keep games under control. I then went cold turkey. I tried gaming in moderation again, and I would be lying if I said that gaming once every day doesn't affect me. It does. It makes everything else pale in comparison and what does that do? No, it doesn't directly affect my goals, I can still devote time to them, but.. do I still want them as much once I've tasted the feelings games provide me? For me, the answer is no. Gaming doesn't stop me from pursuing my goals directly, but it does stop me from pursuing them indirectly, because it occupies my mind to such a degree that I find myself feeling like rushing everything in order to get to the gaming part of the day. For some of us, there is no middle ground. I felt like I simply had to reply to you here, especially because of the timing. You see, I tried moderation these past few days for a second time and it just gave me the results I described. You are the only one who can observe yourself and your reactions and thus judge whether you have a problematic relationship with games or not. Hope this is of some use to you!
  10. Keep at it! Saying no might be hard in the moment, but it is an action that tells yourself you're the owner of yourself for lack of a better word. It tells yourself you're in control and can say no or yes as you see fit. If only for that self esteem effect I'd encourage you to say no.
  11. Just thought to chime in and share, most of us reply to our original thread so as not to create multiple journal threads per person and so that it's easy to read the days one after the other. Keep up the efforts!
  12. According to the book Atomic habits, when you're trying to build a new habit, it's good to not settle for doing it in a boring way but neither create a challenge so big that you can't succeed on it. It also mentions a 4% increase in difficulty is optimal to keep humans interested but not discouraged by failure. Hope this is useful to you for establishing a coding learning curve!
  13. Just wanna second this badly is all. Never stop trying, remember that if you stopped trying the first time you had to try, you'd never walk, you'd still be crawling. Society makes us forget failure is part of the process, but it is. You try, you fail, you try, you fail, but every time you learn something from it. There's no way you won't learn it all if you keep trying, sooner or later you'll get there.
  14. You are trying to combine logic with emotion, that doesn't really work like that xD You feel how you feel. Do you know what makes you unhappy? If you find the reason you are unhappy, can you change the circumstances? There's a time to stop and feel your feelings, but if the feelings persist it means you have to take action and do differently. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. The answers are within you, you have to ask yourself. Is it that you need a better schedule? Is it that you need to take hobbies slower? Again, treat yourself like you would treat a friend or family member, not harsher. You're the only one responsible with loving and taking care of yourself, so don't forget to do that.
  15. Day 33-37, Wednesday-Sunday December 5-9th 2018No sugar daysNo gaming day 15-16I'll start with the obvious: Why is my counter 15-16 instead of 15-19? Because I did get online, spoke with people from the game community and gamed, three non sequential days the past week. The first day it was fine and I felt unaffected by it, I actually couldn't wait to log off cause I was tired. The second day I felt a mix of feelings, old urges pulling at me and reminding me of the dangers lurking for me in this virtual place. (I'm a little metaphorical and artistic, bear with me xD) The third day which was yesterday, Sunday, I felt both good and bad, and the bad side was connected to the fact I could tell, from all the times I've done this before, how easy it is to roll down the slippery slope and make this just another failed attempt. But it won't be. So now to the positive updates. I had to really push myself to 'just do it' when it comes to picking up my pens to draw. There first and second day were hard: When you are old and conscientious that you suck at something and your ego is crying about it, you have to just persevere and continue with starting from zero anyway. I did pick up my pens, I did draw, following a specific curriculum from a very good instructor. He gives me hope and knowing which direction to work towards is really important. He points out exactly what a newbie like me is after, the final result, the great art piece, but explains how you have to build up to that like a house. First, it has to be messy and dirty. The pretty stage comes last. So I'm trying to make my peace with that truth, and I'm also drawing every day in the morning, trying to establish it as a habit. In reading the book Atomic habits, I'm trying to implement the things it explains and how, to have the results you want, you need to focus on being consistent about the habits that create them. I don't draw just in the morning, usually. I stop drawing before I get frustrated and impatient with myself, and I come back later the same day. This is how it's been so far at least, alas the goal is to draw at least once per day, establish it as a habit. Another thing the book says is that in order not to give up you should try a 4% higher than your current skill level in your attempts to get better, not too big a challenge but not easy either, so that you are neither discouraged nor bored. I have established and still am working on my fairly early morning rise. I used to wake up at 10 or 12 and linger for hours- now I have an alarm at 8 and because I plan my day from before in my organizer, I have the feeling I'm behind if I don't get up and start doing stuff at 9. Some days that was pushed to 10 but that's okay, not perfect, but progressing. As I've said to other fellow recovering addicts here, we ought to compare only to our own past selves and no one else- and in that I'm doing better than I used to. What's important for me to say to myself, which is half the reason I write here, is to acknowledge that I haven't achieved the busy lifestyle I require to be balanced yet, thus getting online with my game acquaintances isn't safe. It's very dangerous and might turn one hour I intended to waste into three. Another thing I want to say even if it's been said already the past days is that being here and reading and contributing is majorly important and beneficial to me. Thank you all. I also feel that, together, all of us, are gaining momentum. We are from all over the world, but we are in this together, even if only through text communications. Do you feel this way too? The battle against sugar is going well considering my past. I track it via a mobile app, and so far I've had at most a two days off sugar streak. Working on it. I think that's all for now. If you're reading this, just remember: you, we all, can do it!
  16. It's a good idea, the best actually, to start your day with the most challenging task. That's because we as humans have very limited will power and motivation, and as the day progresses and we get physically more tired, the will power goes away too. On the other hand, listen to yourself. Those feelings you experience, stop and give yourself the time to process them. Why does it feel bad? Is it an exaggeration out of fear of failure or it actually because that action is against your values and goals and your feelings are warning you about it? Just explore that and get to know yourself better through it.
  17. @Sashiku If you find yourself struggling with how to fill your time, I suggest goal setting and exploring your own mind as far as your desires for your future are concerned! Those can unlock possibilities, although scary, they are a door to small changes for our lives.
  18. You are doing so well man, congratulations on your weight loss and adjusting to your new circumstances! Bravo for your goals setting too!
  19. Real connections are rare in general, I'll agree with that. Friend or lover, relationships require effort and time and so if you are the only one putting those in, it's not gonna work in the long run. Most of us here are on the same boat when it comes to how we feel about our online friends, disappointment and nostalgia and maybe even bitterness but since none of that does us any good, we should just accept it and move on to do other things.
  20. Day 29-32, Saturday-Tuesday December 1-4th 2018No sugar daysNo gaming day 11-14 Obviously I am bad at tracking here xD I now track everything that I had here through apps on my phone, even for brand new habits I made for myself, but I still wanna come here and share how my counters are going, ie sugar not so easy, but not gaming at all still ?
  21. @karabas Not sure where you got the idea I resent or have ill feelings towards these people, all I said is I was disappointed. You can be understanding and compassionate for your heroin addict friend who doesn't call you anymore to go out after you quit heroin, and at the same time be disappointed with the fact. And no, none of us here is a victim, we are all people who grew to have self-destructive habits. Neither are my friends victims. Technology, much like a knife, is a tool: you can use it for good or bad purpose. We are responsible, we ought to remember this, and in the same sense be empowered by it. Just like we chose to play all day before, we can now choose not to play. It's in our hands.
  22. It was good to read all your progress! Fellow woman here, and also wasted a lot of years with games- also dealt with mental issues multiplied by games. Don't hesitate to PM me if you ever need some support, otherwise keep up the great work! And remember, free time is dangerous for relapse, maybe check the hobbies list and "fake it until you make it" with any one hobby you might like?
  23. When I come back from vacation I'm like noooooooooo. So if you ask me, I will say yeah, surely it is your vacation, don't worry about it. Just keep doing it and after a few days you'll feel like working again! That's how it is for me at least.
  24. Welcome to the forums! You are not alone, I am also a woman and feel like I have wasted so much time being in my room doing nothing. I share a little part of that adventurous nature you describe too. Please don't hesitate to ask for help or advice, there are a lot of people here who share experiences and might be able to offer good strategies! From my multiple attempts at quitting I have gathered that two of the most important things are to remember your why and to not leave free and empty time for yourself. The first will be useful once the will power wears off, the second will be useful at any point, cause habits are so hard to break. Now that I say this I recall, this book Atomic habits is a great read and help in this process for me, you might wanna try it out.
  25. Hang in there man, I'm around day 10 or something and I got some thoughts as well, right after finishing a work project (empty days are dooooom).