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JustTom

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Everything posted by JustTom

  1. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Still stuck at the moment and don't want to ramble yet, I'm just opening the thread so that I can post every day even if it's 100% failure reports. I've got the last exam on monday which, if I fail, I will have to re-take the whole course in November sooooo let's not do that yeah? So far it looks very likely, but eh, I've gotten lucky before so I'll give it a shot. I'd love to type in here a comprehensive plan and start a detox counter but I would just be lying to everyone here. Hopefully I'll pull myself up soon. EDIT: Even though I did go to the uni, I wasn't able to focus at all, I was sleep deprived, my thoughts are flying around, there is a ton of self-hate and on top of that, it feels like my brain is not used to thinking - I literally feel dumb. Communication is at a 0, I pretty much looked exactly how I felt - I'm a mess. I think I studied 2 hours total.
  2. JustTom

    It's still ok to listen to videogame music?

    I think it can be okay for some people. I personally have a very deep addiction, but soundtracks don't trigger any cravings for me, even if I'm listening to tracks that I've listened to while gaming. That being said: this means clearly it's not a good idea in your case. There's a lot of mind-blowing music out there, the few gaming OST albums are not worth it.
  3. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Detox Day 1 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 16 + gym It was almost hard to believe, but for the most of the day I felt okay! Like, normal! Which is a fantastic improvement. After work, I hopped into the gym and it felt soo good. I even talked to people around me a little bit and I had a moment where I genuinely laughed and smiled - haven't had that in weeks apart from some random chuckles from memes. It's so amazing getting from the head into the body, even if just for a few moments. After gym I 'wasted' 3 hours watching videos, but honestly I am more than happy with my mental progress. I do have to finish one thing for my supervisor so uhhh looks like I'm staying up till 5am and getting up at 8. Unlucky, but has to be done, so tomorrow will be a dangerous day to not relapse, so I will focus on not relapsing. I think the best plan is to push and workout after work again, which will just put me to sleep immediately after.
  4. JustTom

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    May I ask where you're going with this? I haven't really been following your journal so far, but this sounds spicy 😄
  5. JustTom

    Journey to my white coat

    I'm on this plan.
  6. JustTom

    Never Ever Give Up

    Fuck yeah buddy let's GO! Never choose the comfort of despair and numbness over real life! No matter how hard this is and trust me, I've been trying for years, never ever give up! Cue the cheesy battle metal: https://youtu.be/7woW7DmnR0E?t=93
  7. JustTom

    It's never over. Another afterparty journal

    Damn I should put THIS on my wall lol. I felt every word of it, very true.
  8. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Alright, yesterday I did game and it felt miserable. It usually does, but yesterday it felt particularly pointless. It set my mood back, it reinforced the brain fog, it made me oversleep and not work the whole day. I'll try to deliberately detox from today on. I will also attempt to re-frame my thinking. I've been focusing only on the negative for a very long time and, granted, I feel like most of my life IS the negative, but in order to move forward, I need to focus vastly on the positive. So whenever I catch myself thinking about how something about my life sucks, I will instead replace it with something that is good. I will try to remind myself of this at least when I update the journal. EDIT: Though I'm not sure what to do in the evenings and on the weekend currently. I have a few things in mind but definitely not enough to fill out every hour. Guess I will accept boredom and try to figure it out eventually. Or just read and spend time reinforcing my mindset.
  9. JustTom

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    I always find it strange that you call watching videos a 'relapse' ha. I completely understand, but in the context of this forum it always strikes me eyes.
  10. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Unofficial Day 2/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 11 Didn't game today. Huh. Had to go to the uni after lunch to talk to a prof. and then I didn't get much done because I was super tired. I haven't slept enough the last two days and I was pretty sore from going to the gym after a month or so yesterday. In the afternoon, I went out alone just for an hour to cold approach really just for practice. I thought I would just give 5 compliments and go home - something to warm myself up after a relapse. For 40 minutes, I was really just walking around full of anxiety. I was over-analyzing everything and was in my head like crazy, which was expected so that's fine. The girl was always either 'too young' and I felt like I would be creepy, or 'too old' and I felt like I would be creepy, or not pretty enough or in too much of a hurry or on a 'phone call' or with a friend or other million reasons to not approach. All of them bullshit 99% of the time. And whenever I buckled up and started walking up, the SLIGHTEST thing would interrupt me, I would flinch, hesitate and give up. For example, a girl moving her head even just 2 degrees to where I was coming from - I flinch and pretend I'm going somewhere else - wouldn't want her to think I was stalking her or something right? Or even worse - that I would try to talk to her? *sigh* So after 40 minutes, I finally walked up to one, said she was looking nice and wished her a nice day, she was surprised and said thanks, bye in a very neutral way, which is a pretty normal reaction for something that random. Right after that, I got like a mini panic attack. And, this never happens to me, started hyper-ventilating for a few seconds. Had to go to the closest store to just breathe for a while. After that, I decided to pack it up for today and go home. Pretty sad, but as Tyler says: "You either get bitter, or you get better". So, to get better next time, I will keep in mind to just go with it once I start walking up. No matter what happens, even if she looks straight to my face and sees me going towards her. Just say hi and if she's weirded out, just calibrate, acknowledge the randomness, or even apologize if she's really uncomfortable(though this never happens). Because what's the worst that could happen? You won't see each other ever again. Cool. I have to say I've been having a hard time breathing lately. I have a lot of negative energy built up. I will meditate with breathing focus after writing this and go to bed. Apart from getting up and going to my internship/thesis job, I'd like to start slowly working on some habits. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself by trying to do everything at once though, but I do feel like my mood is very slightly improving so I'll just write out things I will eventually incorporate(no commitments yet): Affirmations in the morning for 3-5 minutes Push-ups in the morning to wake me up - I've been doing this before, it's great "Go out or Work out" - the daily schedule allows me to squeeze in either a workout session or a social session on weekdays after work. I think this would be a nice thing to follow Reading - before bed every day for ~30 minutes after journaling. Whenever I did this in the past, it was immensely therapeutic and helped me sleep better and wake up fresh. Meditation and/or visualization - daily. It's obvious to me that this is important, I just never did it for more than 3 days Devise the "Emergency Plan" - set of actions to follow once I feel like I'm close to relapsing/going into depression and a set of actions to follow once I do fail, to get me back on track. Think about what I want in life and write a mission statement Just brainstorming here, there's probably things I forgot. I will try soon 🙂
  11. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    But how do you create that if it's not the case currently? Affirmations? I don't know. I should do affirmations though. I'll try to get up early enough tomorrow to squeeze it in. By the way, I got up in the morning and went to my job for the second time, so things are looking up! Still feel a gloom of despair and pain inside and there are lots of vision of the future that scare the shit out of me, but I try to not think about it and take it day by day. I know I'm in a bad place and these thoughts are just fake manifestations.
  12. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    I think so. Though in a similar way that a strict, successful father would love his drug-addicted dropout son, I think I do love myself, but I also resent and disgust myself. If that makes sense.
  13. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    NO! I am NOT dead. How DARE you even suggest that IIIIiiii - I - would be out of the game? You fool! haHA! NO! Unofficial Day 1/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 18 Started my internship yesterday. First day at the job. Spent 9 hours in the office focusing quite well and also went to the gym in the evening, then talked to dad and chilled with some RSD videos. Felt... bad(to not make it too dramatic), but that's how things are nowadays. Better than yesterday though, so that's pretty good! If I actually start consistently posting now then I will surely ramble about the past two months later, but the TL;DR is: Had a month off reserved for improving my social skills, meeting girls and exercising, instead I spent it all gaming and in the second heaviest depression period of my life. Had a resit exam at the beginning of february that I didn't even go to due to anxiety so I will need to retake the course in november. I've been feeling crushing loneliness, anxiety, sadness and massive, massive disappointment. I truly hate the person I've become and I don't respect myself at ALL. But that's okay, there are many second chances in life and I'm still young with lots of time remaining so I will try to crawl out of my despair and hopefully eventually have a day that I don't feel like crying. It's been a long time since I had one of those. Today I didn't game. Not really by decision, more like by exhaustion. But since that exhaustion was caused by me deciding to stay at the office longer AND going to the gym, I can chalk it up as a detox day. Even though I haven't fully committed in my mind yet. Just kidding Karabas, don't worry
  14. JustTom

    JustTom's Journal 3

    I honestly really don't want to. That's the worst part, I know I should want to quit, but I don't want to >{ I know my life would be so much better, but just the idea of going into the real life spikes my anxiety so high I feel like I just want to run. It's 16:00 and I've finally convinced myself to not give up on the exam and try to cram in as much as I can during the ~12-14 hours of studying that I have left before the exam. There's nothing more I can do at this point. I was considering for a very long time to just give up, which would allow me full two days of gaming. It's a resit so there is a small chance they will leave some portion of the questions the same which gives me some chance of success. Not a big one, but I will try my luck at least.
  15. Hello hello! This is my third journal, this time dedicated to my 30-Day Challenge. I've been gaming hardcore for the past 3 weeks due to my traditional christmas relapse. I'm not quite done gaming yet, but I'm slowly crawling my way out of the hole so I'm pulling the trigger on the challenge since there is exactly a month left until my internship starts. I've been planning to do this for a long time and now I have the perfect opportunity because my thesis internship begins in february so I have no job and no school planned for a month. The 30-Day Challenge: - Go to the gym EVERY DAY - Go out EVERY DAY Simple enough. By going out I mean doing game. The good kind. Any events, parties, dates, or just street approaching for at least an hour. If somebody reading this is wtf-ing or cringing in their head, HERE is a good introduction to what this is. Social skill is a skill like any other and needs to be practiced if one wants to achieve results. I have not been in an environment where it comes naturally so I need to step up myself and GIT GUD. As papa Tyler says, the only thing creepier than learning game is not learning game. I think for some people it's a controversial topic, but if you don't agree with this, just keep it to yourself please 😁 This challenge absolutely will require a lot of effort, overcoming resistance and willpower, BUT it is also something I am very passionate about and actually love doing. Which is in direct contrast to my university at this stage of my life, where I have to push myself to do something I don't really like and even hate at times. I am not only confident I can do it but I also think it is the most valuable thing to do in my life currently. I won't delve into my personal life too much but due to my environment, I haven't had much romantic contact and haven't developed my social capabilities until I was 23. In the past few years I've realized how much I've damaged myself by desexualizing and how much I actually value romantic contact. I've always seen great potential in myself, but because I've never really had a good opportunity(time-wise) to SERIOUSLY get into it instead of dabbling every two weeks, I've been quite sexually frustrated for a long time except occasional lucky results. Finding an amazing girlfriend is my longterm goal and the only way to achieve it is to practice, as with anything in life. Furthermore, in every period(albeit short ones) in my life that I WAS actively going out to game, weak entertainment such as video games or youtube completely ceased to exist without even trying. I will therefore not focus on 'detoxing', but rather have it naturally fade away and then continue a detox with a counter in february. Mentoring/coaching is an important aspect for success, but I'm hoping I can find skilled guys that will see my dedication and passion and will be willing to help. If not, I will consider paying for some form of coaching(these things are pretty expensive). The daily structure allows me 5-8 hours of work even if I push it really hard. In order to have somewhat-consistent sleep, I've decided to have a nightly schedule, in which I will be waking up at around noon every day, so that even if I'm out very late, I can still get in 7 hours of sleep. And if it's one of the day game days, I will just work until ~4am and get up at 12 to stay on schedule. Despite the relapsing and occasional depression, I still consider sleep to have been my biggest problem so I will be having an aide to call me in the morning in case of oversleeping again. I'll be easing into it gradually during the first week. I will update here daily, but I'll probably be brief most of the time unless I have some personal-development insight that I want to share. Going to the gym right now after writing this post to kick things off. Let's go!
  16. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    30-Day Challenge Days 4 & 5 I got bamboozled by the local gym, apparently during the weekend they close at 2pm, so I missed both days because I overslept haha. Eh, whatever. I'll make it up.
  17. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    Here's an insight from today. Not being able to try leads to a feeling of emptiness, hollowness, apathy. Not being able to try is like being dead inside. Trying hard? Makes you feel alive. However, trying hard and getting shut down/failing over and over again? That makes me feel alive, but with so much accompanying pain that I would rather not even live. That's it for today's late-night melancholy, I'm going to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be at least slightly less agonizing.
  18. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    30-Day Challenge Day 3 Day 3 SUCCESSFUL! I've listened to this video while cooking and Tyler never ceases to blow my mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf3W7IZFruE Especially in the middle of it when he talks about success barriers and emotional addictions. In this context, I can totally find myself in it - being addicted to the emotion of failing, of relapsing, of being late, of slacking off. For my brain it feels like crack. This is my main success barrier - I am addicted to failing. And every time I make effort to change, the reason why I always fall back is exactly that - my old ego rebelling and convincing me that I can't succeed, I need a hit of those old emotions of misery and disappointment. I really don't want to go there anymore. But even as I'm typing this, I'm not at all convinced that I can do it. I would like to be, but I'm not. So what I want to do in the short future is get some small-ish wins. Get some successes under my belt so that the vision of success is closer to my cognitive reality. Intellectually, I know I can do anything. But when I'm in a bad state, I still know it but I can't FEEL it. As is the case right now. And when you're not 100% convinced that you can do it, then you're right. You can't do it. Anyways, rant over, I'm taking action. EDIT: Oh yeah, note on gaming: cravings are still pretty strong. Due to a video I've seen, I realized there is one account I have access to - starcraft 2. Because the multi-player is free to play and doesn't require any progression, I can always just hop in. So I've been really tempted to play the whole day, but in the end didn't. I have it installed though. Ehh.
  19. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    30-Day Challenge Day 2 I slept slept a long time and then just kind of did nothing by watching youtube etc. Early cravings are hitting super hard. If I still had my account, I would game 100% to ease the anxiety ha. Now it's ~5pm, I'm dressed and finally getting out of the house. Gym later in the evening as well. Maybe I'll even get some very light intro-studying done before bed if I feel like it. Emphasis on the if I feel like it part. I will post daily updates, even if very short. Evening update: Alriiiight I did it! I did it all today motherfuckaaaas! The challenge is online!~ I'm thinking about making the updates here EVEN shorter, which is unusual for me, and posting detailed versions on RSD forums maybe. Hm.
  20. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    30-Day Challenge Day 1 Okay, I guess I did it today! The challenge is re-started! I'm really not sure if I want to write about how it's actually going here since not only is this semi-public and my profile is not impossible to find for some of my friends, but also the community here is not exactly from the same world. So just the general gist for today is that I really just wanted to get out of the house and that's what I did. It was basically ultra-hard balls to the walls mode, because I went out alone AND in a depressed state AND I still felt cravings all the way through. I mean I thought about mtg while on the way lmao. So naturally, I was stifled to the maximum, but that's okay, I still kind of consider it a win.
  21. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    Updating here to confirm that I did go to the gym. Felt pretty good, lots of negative energy that I channeled into anger so lifting was fun. @arq @karabas @Lea @jsup @killua145 @info-gatherer thank you all for the support. I really do appreciate it and it helps to know that people genuinely care. I'll write back something more substantial once I sort out my thoughts, right now I'm in a weird mode. Maybe I've been watching too much Rick and Morty, but right now I'm feeling the same rick-like not giving a fuck about anything. Unfortunately, it's not coming from being able to travel through dimensions, but rather anger at my failures. Still, I'm gonna enjoy it for tonight. Gonna go out and talk to some strangers because why not.
  22. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    Well, it's official. I'm a loser. I couldn't even go past day 2 before divulging into gaming 10 hours per day. Time to stop lying to myself. I've always imagined myself as someone who can achieve anything, who can conquer the world and get what he wants, IF ONLY I could conquer my daily habits, right? I am fully convinced I have the mentality of a winner. This is true. Why am I still a piece of shit? I'm just lazy. Honestly. I have been unable to get the most basic shit together that every other adult men have. I'm not a winner, I'm a loser. I'm a child in a man's body. I like sleeping more than creating things. I like playing games more than talking to people. I like to sit more than I like to move. Not that there is something in my personality that is making me that way, hell no. It's just who I have been choosing to be thus far. I've had periods of success, but in the longterm, my direction is a lonely, below-average never-ending midlife crisis life. Oh well. Today I've given away my mtg arena account that I've poured an entire month worth of life into. I am now unable to log into it or reset the password, and as it has been in the past with f2p games, I'm not willing to put in the time and effort to build it up from scratch, not even with my severe addiction. I'm going to the gym now. I'm not saying I'm back on track, I'm not saying I'm going to keep up now, I'm not saying I will re-start the challenge and succeed, I'm not saying I will actually get out of my bed tomorrow. I know I probably won't, but at this point, I don't give a shit. Whatever happens in my fucked up brain, happens. I can barely even recall the dreams I had, much less promise to strive for them. Might be too late anyways. I'll be 25 in a flash, jesus. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things anyway. I'll just do whatever the fuck I feel like. Right now I feel like going to the gym. Will post in ~2 hours to confirm here that I went.
  23. JustTom

    It's never over. Another afterparty journal

    Love the attitude! I wish you so much that you succeed! I'm back on the forums now so I'll be checking 🙂
  24. JustTom

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    This is like guiness world record worthy wow. Holidays always mess us up. Personally, I've come to dislike christmas for this reason. The association with video games is way too strong in my brain, because christmas was the first time I started playing online ever since my parents gifted me a copy of warcraft 3 as a kid. Let's get our habits back together!
  25. JustTom

    JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

    30-Day Challenge Day 1 I met up with friends from school so I will count that as going out just this one time because I was unbelievably tired after working out on 3 hours of sleep AND it was late AND it was the first day AND it was socially important to show up since one of our friends will be leaving more-or-less forever. Today is day 2 and because I went to bed quite early(1am is early for me at this point lmao), I managed to get up at 9 and start functioning. I'm gonna reply to e-mails and go straight to the gym again. Thank you! Good luck to you too! I haven't been following your journal while I was gaming 12 hours per day, but I'll get to it soon! 🙂 Muscles are more for impressing myself rather than girls, but yeah 😄 I don't like leg day because it's the most exhausting one for me. It's the only day of the three that I sweat in the gym. Ew. I'll do it though, at least this month ha.
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