mansauce

Hey, I'm having a moment of lucidity and it's one I want to use to try and reach out. Embarrassment is apparently par for the course when talking about this stuff, and believe me when I say its a very uncomfortable place I'm in right now, but I wouldn't do this if I didn't think I had to. I'm pretty sure I have to. I don't know if I'm in control anymore. I come home and sit down at the computer, and go to sleep. Whether that is 3 hours or 10, doesn't matter. I can't bring myself to cook, to clean, to do laundry. I take time to groom, sure, but that's because I'm far more mortified of being unhygenic than I am of being messy. I keep telling myself tomorrow, or just this one day, or one expansion... but I never hit the point of going "okay, time to put this down and ignore it for other things." I do have a very addictive personality. I've been a smoker, switched to vaping and now find myself in the same spot with that. Recreational marijuana user (Canadian here), though I take the sobriety breaks seriously for 3 months at a time. I think that is what makes this all the more frustrating for me - I can give up smoking weed for a long time and I enjoy it too, but I honestly can't remember the last time I spent more than a week- no 3 days without playing something on my computer. I gave away my high end rig for my brothers old alienware laptop thinking the reduced graphics would knock my desire to play off. Nada, I just switched to games that demand less off of my PC. I binge youtube when I get burned out with something. I am looking for some help. I know the problem, I recognize it is colouring so many things about my experience, but I have NO IDEA what to do now. I want to find a way to frame it in my head such that I can move on to a "proper" way of living, much like I had before. I was very dedicated to being fit and healthy, but it's taken a backseat to this. (I'm not unfit, I have a very physically demanding job, I mean more as nutritionally and sleep schedule-y) I have other things I'm currently dealing with as well but that's only tangentially relevant to what I think is a far bigger problem. I don't know if such a thing as a sponsor exists, but I would love to just talk on a one-on-one basis to someone about this. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry if this is coming across as sterile but I would rather get it out somehow than not at all.