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Marius' journal


Marius
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DAY 1 - 08.12.20

wake up time: 12am

sleeping time: 5am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  •  I didn't play or watched any gaming content.
  • I stayed true to my nofap goal.

 

summary of the day:

I woke to my clock at 8am but went back to sleep until 8.30am. Then I watched the rest of a lecture but had to fall asleep again during the second lecture. Watched the third and then went on to accomplish several todo-tasks including a call to arrange for a stationary stay at an addiction clinic. I did not feel ready to start to workout again and also didnt have much hunger. Getting groceries seemed to be an impossible task so I managed to eat what was left in the fridge. Cooking again after several days of just eating leftovers was a good thing. As the day progressed I did not stay away from my laptop but indulged in watching movies until 4am the next morning partly due to not feeling sleepy already and having severe sleep anxiety I suppose. So I replaced gaming/watching streams with other online passive activity and felt a bit shit afterwards but that's ok as I'm just getting started.

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • not staying up late for watching movies/youtube -> plan to have lights out on 10pm. reading at 9pm
  • spending more time without my laptop -> getting groceries, cooking, working out, continue with my room set-up

 

DAY 2 - 09.12.20

wake up time today: 10am

sleeping time yesterday: 4am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • I didn't play or watched any gaming content.
  • I bought groceries and cooked a meal.
  • finished the respawn guide

 

summary of the day:

I woke to my clock at 8am but went back to sleep until 10am though i promised a friend of mine to record a lecture that I missed that way. Then I watched the rest of a lectures of the day and wrote yesterday's journal. Afterwards I wandered off to watching youtube again but not for too long. I had a nap in front of my laptop for about 30min before I forced myself to go buy groceries which I did. I then made a salad and worked on respawn, I then cooked potatoes with eggs and spinach to accompany my salad. I continued to work on respawn and finished reading the guide at around 12pm when I went to bed

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt manage my sleeping goarl -> getting to sleep at 10pm
  • spending more time without my laptop -> cooking, working out, continue with my room set-up

 

DAY 3 - 10.12.20

wake up time today: 9am

sleeping time yesterday: 3am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • worked out out a workout routine

summary of the day:

I woke up at 9am so missed the first but made it to the second and third lecture. I didn't save my work on respawn sadly so I have to do it again. I spent the rest of the day learning about the r/bodyweightlifting routine first time went through it. I downloaded the Calm app to calm me down for sleeping but didnt manage to be successfull in that, so in the end I stayed up until 5 am. Also i fapped and will now expand my accompanying nofap goal to (no porn/no masturbation/orgasm allowed).

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt manage my sleeping goarl -> getting to sleep at 10pm
  • spending more time without my laptop -> set up my calendar for piano, room set-up, grocery shopping

 

DAY 4 - 11.12.20

wake up time today: 10am

sleeping time yesterday: 5am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • left the house for grocery shopping
  • managed to read a bit

summary of the day:

I woke up too late for the first two lectures and made it to the third. Then I went grocery shopping and baked a cake for a friend's birthday to which I went afterwards. I returned home at 9pm and did some online shopping, then watched a movie. Afterwards I managed to have the lights out at 12pm. Also I realized that I should set my 90-day goal to 1) Cold Turkey Gaming/Streams 2) no porn+no masturbation+orgasm allowed 3) decrease my time spent with electronics

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt manage to set up my room correctly for sleeping -> will do that tomorrow
  • didnt manage to read enough -> will do that tomorrow

DAY 5 - 12.12.20

sleeping time yesterday: 12pm
wake up time today: 8am

summary of the day:

I worked out in the morning, cleaned my apartment, washed my clothes, read a bit, wrote journal entries, met with my fwb and later another friend, made biscuits, watched a movie and went to sleep. I think I have to fight back the urge to go to my laptop and also do things that seem helpful as in the end I find myself mindlessly browsing the web. Also I feel how I'm so much drawn to electronics and I feel it difficult to read a book. I think I will also try to measure the time I spent being active on electronics.

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • worked out
  • cleaned my room
  • met friends

plans for tomorrow:

  • learning

 

DAY 6 - 13.12.20

sleeping time yesterday: 3am
wake up time today: 10am

summary of the day:

My friends stayed overnight and we spent the morning eating breakfast and listening to music. Then they left and I did a small workout and cleaned my room. Later another friend came over and we cooked together, then she left and I wrote my journal, read in my book and tried to sleep earlier. I find it hard staying away from my laptop and I havent found a blocker for android that accomplishes the same aspects as Cold Turkey can on Windows. So I think I might drift off to use the smartphone/tablet instead of my PC for mindlessly browsing the web which I still find hard to abstain from.

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • small workout
  • searched for app/website blocker for android
  • cooked a recipe from a cookbook of mine
  • read a bit

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt find time and motivation to learn today -> learning
  • find an app/website blocker that works on android and install it

DAY 7/8 - 14/15.12.20

sleeping time yesterday: 1am
wake up time today: 8am

summary of the day:

Installing usage blockers on all my devices actually had a profound effect as I didn't use them at night but rather tried to sleep. This didnt work perfectly but it was enough to actually follow along all lectures today. Afterwards I read a bit but was still tired af so I lay down on my couch and had a nap for an hour or so. Next I got ready to have a doctor's appointment but wrote it down on the wrong time in my calendar so I was two hours early. I decided to pay a visit to my GP for HepB vaccination but I wasnt there as promised last week, only his assistant who told me to come by another day as she isnt allowed to administer the shot. Then I drove back to my first doctor and had the appointment. He prescribed me nasal spray and told me to let it work for some time before I can see results. I drove home, got the nasal spray from the pharmacy and decided to do a workout that somehow took really long but wasnt very effective. I listened to the game quitters podcast on the side which isnt all too bad but still an online activity and I think that it would have been more beneficial to shut me out of my electronics for the rest of the day. So afterwards I blocked everything, cooked some pasta and went to bed to read a bit before falling to sleep which I did though I couldnt manage to eat my pasta before. I didnt sleep well so I woke up at around 1am and decided that it might help to read a bit, what I did. Then I ate half my pasta and looked at the clock that was 6am already with 7am being my alarm. So I tried to sleep for the rest of the night and I felt that my demolished sleep cycle begins around 5am when I start to feel tired. My alarm went off at 7am but I went back to bed as I thought I cant listen to my lecture with this little sleep but fall asleep again until 8.30 when the lecture was halfway through. This demotivated me to even try listening to it and I went back in my pillow until 10am. I listened to lectures 3 and 4, ate another quarter of yesterday's pasta and found another blocker for Linux so I can completely shut down all my electronics now. I bought 3 books for christmas and wrote my journal.

miscellaneous accomplishments:

  • reading becomes easier
  • found blockers for all my devices
  • they are effective in stopping me to use them
  • worked out a bit
  • listened to game quitters podcast

plans for tomorrow:

  • try to wake up on schedule, no naps
  • also try to sleep on schedule, make your bed your sanctuary
  • drive home to my parents for christmas

 

DAY 9 - 16.12.20

wake up time: 7am

sleeping time: 11am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • went hard on my blocking from 2pm onwards
  • worked out
  • bought christmas presents
  • brokered a deal for a beamer screen
  • got my HepB vaccine shot

summary of the day:

I woke up on time and actually managed to do most of my workout before my class started. There was a problem with the online program so they had to cancel one seminar that left me enough to time to have an appointment at my GP to receive my HepB vaccine jab. After class I blocked my computer, smartphone and tablet and went to buy several christmas presents for my parents and my brother. Returning home I felt the urge to use my electronics to strongly that I thought: "Wow this is gonna be a lot harder than I anticipated! Good idea to block these." I didnt use any of my devices for the time and played a bit piano, went to buy groceries and essential oils/room scent dispensers as my toilet has no outlet. I read a bit in a fitness book, prepared my food and lay down in bed as it was already getting late. I didnt manage to read anymore but felt really tired so I napped for a bit, then woke up again at 11.30pm and ate the rest of my food.

plans for tomorrow:

  • yoga
  • cleaning my room

DAY 10 - 17.12.20

wake up time: 10am

sleeping time: 23pm

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • met with a friend
  • worked my abs
  • limited my screen time in the afternoon
  • cooked a nice meal
  • cleaned my room
  • shaved my beard

summary of the day:

I woke up too late because I missed setting up my alarm. That fucked my uni stuff up and I was only able to attend the last lecture. Also I Haven't studied the stuff so far and I hate it. I hate learning because I often think I can't remember things as good as in my earlier years and my sleep problems take their toll. Tomorrow will be the last day before the Christmas holidays and I hope that I will find motivation at home to learn actually when it's tempting to just spend time with my family. Maybe staying away from the internet and limiting screentime while encorporating reading back into my life. I met with a friend today and we spent a nice afternoon evening together. I couldn't sleep very well and I don't know what I did wrong. Probably drinking too little. 

plans for tomorrow:

  • workout, stay strong
  • playing the piano
  • Full block when arriving home
  • Developing a way to stay away from tech at my parents'
  • read more, pls

DAY 11 - 18.12.20

wake up time: 8am

sleeping time: 23pm

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • set up a screen for watching movies with friends
  • got home for christmas and told my family about my detox
  • worked out again, will have to keep doing it daily for it to become a habit
  • blocking devices worked like a charm and I wasnt able to access any device at night

summary of the day:

I woke up on time but remaind snuggling until my class started. I managed to attend all classes in the morning and cleaned my room afterwards and prepared everything until my parents arrived to help me set up the screen. Also I managed to listen to all episodes of gaming the system/gamequitters' podcast as I don't think everything is equally important for me. After driving home we ate and I did a workout afterwards that took longer than anticipated so it was already late when I went to bed but still not that bad.

plans for tomorrow:

  • set up learn environment
  • reflect on appropriate screen / online time across devices and establish measuring solution
  • answering to emails
  • playing piano
  • reading

DAY 12 - 19.12.20

wake up time: 7am

sleeping time: 12pm

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • set up a lightning installation
  • repaired a leg on our piano
  • dug out several stumps from the garden
  • set up my offline learn environment
  • began training coding again
  • worked my abs, stretched

summary of the day:

I woke up on time and got out of bed to have breakfast with my father. Afterwards I went to my room to download my lecture notes and made the goal to limit screen time to maximium 4h (5h if coding the day) in total and my online time to 2h in total (including phone). That makes all my goals SMART - specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound for the detox, setting me up for success. Now living up to them will be the next challenge as I don't feel an obstacle with the first two (no games/streams and no porn/masturbation for 90 days). The third one is tricky and hard to master as I will have to deal with cravings and old habits. I have the book about forming new habits at hand and should probably start reading it right now. I will have to fight back the urge to prolong the time tasks take on my electronics to accomplish the small time frame I'm allowed to use the devices but I'm convinced that my offline activities will boost my mood to chase my dreams and become happier and less stressed in the end. It's a necessary and logical step that is consistent with my vision of a new life chapter. After figuring out the goals and their traceability I helped my parents to install three head lights in our kitchen. We managed to do so, afterwards I decided to try my luck in some leftover laurel stumps in our garden as they had to be removed before we can build a lumberyard up there. My methods worked and got all of them out. Next I removed a fractured screw from a leg of our piano. I drilled a longish pocket so I could use a slotted screwdriver to remove the screw remnant. Thus the leg could be screwed on again. Next I helped my father to move a table top to our garden shed. After that I tried to repair a hotplate on our stove but couldnt find a fitting screwdriver so I put the stove back in place. I decided to go to my room to continue with my coding endeavour but quickly found myself watching youtube videos for fitness/gamequitters. So I mostly passively watched videos instead of engaging in my mental task. We ate dinner and after that I returned to my room to continue looking for fitness youtube videos before starting some abs workouts and stretching afterwards. I decided to write this journal entry next and now im sitting here talking to you. I'm past my envisaged bedtime and haven't read a word today, so I'll probably do that now until I feel tired and then try to sleep

plans for tomorrow:

  • baking cookies for christmas
  • reading
  • progress my coding skills
  • playing piano
  • some cardio
  • preparing the christmás tree
  • meditating

DAY 13 - 20.12.20

wake up time: 12pm

sleeping time: 11am

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • baked the cookies
  • read a bit in "The Power of Habit"
  • played a bit piano
  • did a cardio workout

summary of the day:

I did not wake up on time as I forgot to turn on my clock correctly, so I overslept and was really groggy the morning. I made breakfast from the shake I had left and did a cardio workout afterwards. This was a bit exhausting so I had to eat after that. Then we baked cookies which almost took the rest of the day. Now we have a huge pile of different christmas cookies. Next i ate and went to bed as it was already late and read a bit in A Manual for creatiing atheists and The Power of Habits.

plans for tomorrow:

  • preparing the christmás tree
  • learning my uni stuff
  • playing piano
  • gardening
  • repairing the stove

DAY 18 - 25.12.20

wake up time: 7am

sleeping time: 1pm

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • today was my birthday - so I'm alive for 25 years already
  • received many gifts and congratulations today
  • actually reflected a bit on life and found some peace with developments
  • opened freecodecamp again, setting me up for further coding experience the next weeks
  • talked to my grandmother about her health condition

summary of the day:

I woke up on time and chatted with a taiwanese friend about her life and what we've been up to the last few months. I stretched and drank a nice shake in the morning. Afterwards I helped to prepare gifts for my uncle and aunt. Also opened many presents. I'm grateful to be born in a wealthy family but seem to be unsatiable and believe I'm a bit spoiled. My uncle and aunt came over and we celebrated my birthday before everyone left for their rooms again. I talked with my parents about the covid vaccines. Then I went to my room and thought about what is happening in my life atm, worked my back and decided to take a look at my telegram and wrote this journal entry.

Overall I'm pretty happy how the last days went. I couldn't set myself up for success though in the following areas: learning my uni stuff, sleeping well, developing coding skills, finishing my book til the end of the year, staying away from screen for the main time of the day, finding a job and more friends

I'll go to my bed now and try to calm down from the day.

plans for tomorrow:

  • repairing the stove
  • working out hard
  • building weight
  • little job search
  • meeting with a friend

 

DAY 30 - 06.01.20

wake up time: 2pm

sleeping time: 5am

I've just watched another movie with my laptop and it becomes commodity to fill my nights with this. I'm indulging in smartphone usage again heavily over the course of the day. Playing piano regularly and reading as much as I thought of at the beginning of the detox arent working out as well. I think I'm trapped in believing that just watching movies will make me become tired when in fact it keeps me awake. Probably I just gave up on my confidence to make a change in my sleep quality and also I'm arrogant enough to believe that not sticking to my sleep cycle plan will lead to success. I don't like reading and watching movies gives me more pleasure. This need for instant gratification stems from me not winning the day but being unhappy with social relationships, my body, my finances, my eating habits, my learning commitments and probably other minor stuff. Working in these areas feels difficult to impossible. Success like a joke. I'm not committed to life changes as I'm afraid this might negatively influence my social setting. I have to be honest and see that my social life is fucked up again and change is actually welcome. I'm not confident enougn to meet new friends as I feel my missing sleeps drags on to the day so I feel tired and ugly. I might be gluten insensitive and I might have to embrace that fact too. Being that difficult of a human makes life harder. I'm becoming depressed again. Also I feel like I should be living a life where I'm chasing after instant gratification stuff. I'm more or less addicted to it. This was easier when I started with the detox but after coming back everything is just fucked up and I don't have the belief that I'm in control of my life. Regaining control and saying no more often might me necessary. I will have to make plans with my calendar and stick to them. I will write down the next days now. My stomach doenst like the food I'm eating and that's making me sad as I hoped that striking gluten might be the solution but constant diarrhea, farts, dehydration, stomach pain is making me wanna kill myself. I thought about seeing a doctor but I feel like I'm using the health care system too much. I have to deal with legally binding stuff tomorrow. I have to unless I want to confront challenges. I dont know why I dont like to play by the rules and think I'm special. This is dangerous and sick. I'm toying with money as if it doesn't mean anything and I'm exploiting people and I don't feel bad about it. Why am I this way? Trying to keep my feelings down means that I'm becoming a monster. I somehow have to ride my feelings to safety. Job, invoices, deleting dating apps again, food journal, shit journal, forced wake up time, exhausting exercise will be made correct tomorrow. I will now try to sleep although I know that this will be harder than usual as I won't be able to do it at night. Also sleeping in is not acceptable. 11am I'll drink I wake up shake, do exercise until 12am, will update my cv and write applications for covid vaccinations, Nachhilfe and Körperwelten. Even if all are denied I will have a feeling of accomplishment in financial matters and pay my invoices / phone MVV / check measuring station / I'll send my contract to my health insurance and clean my room before my friends arrive at 2pm, We will try to sleep before 1am and wake up before 10am, I will continue with my productive life until I have done everything that might be put on a todo list. At 2pm I will learn with a friend until the evening when I ask him to leave before 8pm, I will then watch a short documentary until 9pm and then lay down in bed, so I can read for an hour before turning the light off and sleep, then wake up at 6am and start my morning routine with shake, exercise, showering, breakfast, news check, revision before starting the productive day with tasks left on the todo list. Less decision making, more productive habits. Careful for faulty ones.

 

Edited by Marius
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Dude you are doing a good job right there! Take some mins every day to feel proud of yourself for all the effort you are doing, you deserve those, really! It could make you feel at the beginning as you should not be rewarding so much simple tasks everyone can do, but right now you are not in the same situation as everyone, so those tasks will have a huge impact on you! So don’t doubt it, just take some mins before going to sleep to be proud and keep going, it is nice to hear that you are doing better!

Edited by alvayuso
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DAY 34 - 10.01.2021

I planned to not sleep today so I could be sleep-needy in the evening but didnt manage to stay awake during the day so probably took a nap at around 8-9 am until 3 pm when I realized that it had already gotten late and I didnt had any motivation anymore to accomplish my set goals for the day as I already "lost the morning". Starting the 90day-detox seemed like fun and I had a strong motivation to actually turn my life around but after my christmas holidays and my start into the new year all positive change seems to almost have gone. I still havent relapsed into playing League of Legends but I sense that I'm on a good path to start again. I guess good news is that my account has successfully been deleted by Riot Games so there would be the hurdle to start at Level 1 again. Detox is no fun at all. It feels like I'm draining myself of all things that made my life fun and let me feel happy. I know that this means that I havent really manage to replace old time-wasting activities with new growth-activities but I can't find myself to do even easy tasks like registering my health insurance as I think of it as too demanding. As I have a new beamer screen for watching movies in big I feel myself just lying on my couch and letting the pictures run over me. There is no motivation to do anything else. The original idea for the screen was to only use it together with friends but I can't find any at the moment who like to share unwatched movies with me so I rely on my own time. This leads me to extend the time I use in front of the screen into the late hours of night so my sleep cycle is fcked up like when I used to play League. All positive change I felt when entering this challenge has disappeared and what I'm left with is this fatalistic, disdainful view of life where I see myself as nothing more than exploiting the people around me. This is similar to when I was heavily depressed some years ago and looks like a similar path. There is a simple graph to show how to get my TODOs done. Sleeping is the start and seems impossible for me to accomplish. I know that when I will now get to bed to wake up tomorrow at 6am for my planned waking up time, most hours in bed will be spent with back pain, breathing fear and constant thought cycles without end that make me hate my life and bar me from sleeping. I'll stretching and drinking some water before sleeping now and then try to break the cycles although I tried so often already and failed everytime. Sometimes it feels like I hate myself and cant change my thoughts therefore as I'm punishing myself for being such a bad person. I hate most things I have done and will do so I don't feel like living at some days and the others keep me alive with the thought that exploiting my life is the only thing that is worth doing as it is already cursed. These might be beliefs that are untrue and I'm only keeping them to punish myself for actions of the past that I cant change anymore. Maybe a sense of neeeded perfection concerning my person holds me back to get back into life. I have to forgive myself with a new self that knows better and acts better and thinks better. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that as I feel that I have already internalised so many bad habits and relying on dopamine relesase systems that are easy to fall back into and hard to refrain from. Nevertheless this is the challenge I have set for myself and I will not back down until I die. Yesterday i watched porn, so this resolution failed and also played Cock Hero on pornhub so I guess I played as well. This is a half-failure for the detox but I won't count it as a total relapse as watching streams and playing games was not part of it.

Tomorrow at 6am I will win the morning and subsequently the day and won't keep my head happy with pleasure, high dopamine, numb actions but engage life and find enjoyment in being excellent in what I can do with my remaining neurons.

This diary will continue daily from now on. It helps myself to set goals in the morning and write about what I have accomplished in the evening.

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I will suggest you to test one day completely without screens (television or telephone). The more days you can do this the better. All your resting, distraction activities will have to involve talking to people in person or reading physical books.

At the end of that day, write down your realizations not only with regards to med/long term goals, but ways to get to those goals. When your method doesn’t work, you have to look at it differently and Figure out a new approach.

Worked example:

Aim- Getting employed.

Over 40 applications in the span of a year. From those 40, two employers called to an interview. No success. 

 health isn’t good enough to stay focused 9am-5pm, lacking a sense of direction and motivation. This shows when the question is asked:”Why did you choose to work with us?”

Left office with a sense of relief that possibly this job wasn’t the right one and many more opportunities will come. 

Create pressure- Need for marriage, proof of self-worth, achieving a great mission. A great mission requires at least about 5 years of a balanced day to day effort to achieve. Most great missions take more, 10 to 15 years. Always make adjustments and correct your plan along the way to suit the changing circumstances. 

New discovered goals: complete 2 -3internships this year to better get a feel for your calling in life. Start diagnosing your health and tackling the issues with correct exercise, diet, socializing.

Create a book plan from the issues you have identified. A book plan isn’t just reading, but taking notes and applying advice in a trial and error fashion. Creating weekly and monthly reports on the results and writing short summaries of your key findings. There won’t be any time left for thra TV. You will be in the self development game.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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DAY 35 - 11.01.21

I planned yesterday to wake up today at 6am but was awake until 4am, so I slept in and couldnt stay true to my goal. The reason was that I was thinking too much about my past school when I went to bed and wasn't fully worked out I suppose. So I skipped classes today and got out of bed at around 1.30pm when I managed to update my CV and write a couple of applications. Maybe this will lead me to a steady job what could really help me to find routine and self worth in my life. It's late again when I'm writing this, so this might be the last action I take on this day before i go to bed. Sadly I did not workout today but only spent time on my laptop - being productive with my application and other paperwork though. I'm not motivated enough for working out I suppose because I have low T levels I suppose. Will have to fix nutrition first probably. Also didn't eat enough today, will have to get better on this tomorrow. Should buy a vacuum cleaner tomorrow as mine is half-broken and I'm pushing this task away from day to day. Same with selling old clothes. Will do that when I'm in bed today.

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I suggest taking melatonin pills before bed at around maybe 10 o'clock so you can go to sleep. I usually try that when I stay awake in bed and also, try to stay awake during the day by doing high-intensive exercises between classes or maybe just ten push-ups per hour. Another alternative to sleeping well in the night is drinking coffee before noon.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Unfortunately I must confess that I failed with my 90-days detox. Despite my League of Legends' account being gone, I started playing Minecraft with friends and found myself playing longer than the others until late at night, yesterday until 6am in the morning. Never thought that Minecraft could do this to me but yeah it's the same poison I suppose. Before that I slowly descended into darkness by ignoring my goals I set in early December, my uni work has suffered from this and I overslept an exam as a result from this. I failed my reading and exercise goals, my health is suffering as I'm not sleeping and eating enough. So I'll try again beginning from today. I will work on respawn today and tomorrow will be the first day of the 90-days.

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  • 5 months later...

Well my life has turned to the worse. I managed to have a productive March but in April my friend with benefits told me that she no longer wanted to engage with me until she figured out what she really wanted and I couldn't find the same motivation anymore for uni that I had in the winter semester. This is probably due to everything turning to learning disease after disease and not that much understanding anymore which I really liked. So I binged on Criminal Minds, skipped an important appliation and module and am now one week away from my final exams and havent learned yet. This is gonna be a disaster. Last week I installed Leage of Legends again and am currently already level 28 with a new account. Dunno. Currently I don't really care about anything else. I don't have any friends I enjoy spending time with atm. Haven't exercised in two weeks. sleep cycle non existant. spending most of my time with playing League and watching YouTube, Twitch or series. The worst is that describing that it should feel like rock bottom but I don't feel like it. Honestly I feel good. Nevertheless I know that I will hate myself in the future for the decisions I take atm from day to day. Breaking ties with some colleagues was actually a step in the right direction I suppose. My apartment is clean. Managed to cook today. So far so good. The real challenge will be to replace all those long-term damaging activities with supporting ones while maintaining a strong mind that stays clear against the arrogance and pretentious nature of my uni. Respawn has once driven my really close to success; better than any individual counseling did. So I guess it's my best bet. i don't have any real goals in life anymore that feel worth pursuing and are attainable. This might be a symptom of the secondary depression following this downhill path. My mind seems to be really dumb and blurry. I will try to stick to journaling again here. Tomorrow will be the first day to try to become sober again. Nevertheless I won't uninstall games or block sites. This has proven for me to be unsuccessfull in the past and I don't think I will stick to it but rather try (so far everytime successful) to circumvent the blocking apps. Rather I will plan a perfect day and gradually move towards it with love for myself no matter how much I fail those days. I will need new activities to fill the void. After three days I can hopefully start learing for uni again. It's now 12.30am and I have planned to watch one episode of Bones before I try to sleep. This will take around 30minutes. This way I might be in bed by 01.30am. Trying to sleep at that time would be a record compared to all days before. Adding 7.5h I should wake up at 9am which would be perfect for me to attend the 9.30am seminar. Before that I will try to buy some groceries real quick as I don't have anything proper left in the apartment. So this is gonna be the challenge tomorrow. will report tomorrow evening how it went and which activities I picked up from the gamequitters' website.

Bye for now

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Sounds like you escaping negative Emotions with gaming(like I did). Good Job realizing it.

I get the point about blocking Apps. It didn't help me either. But deleting my LoL-Account in the others Hand... If I didn't do this, I am sure I would still relapse in this Game. I played many games afterwards to escape (warcraft3, Dota, Hearthstone, etc...) but no game was as successful in short-circuiting my brain as LoL. Also uninstalling is not only about the barrier, it mainly circumvents opening the game in autopilot. I.e. Trying to study, bad feelings arise, open window search, type in Lol, ...  and nothing comes up? Right, I uninstalled it.

Especially with the rune system in LoL it makes the game less attractive if you don't play with full runes in my opinion. So delete your account if you want to stop playing it. It helps a bit.

My story if its interests you:  didn't play LoL since 2017. I relapsed with gaming and mindlessly browsing, porn, youtube, etc... but never LoL. Alone this made a major difference in my life. Now I married my girlfriend (who nearly left me because I played all the time instead of studying while she was at work and was really stressed out because of it),  have two sons, and found a job in a fundamentally different industry (IT) then what I originally studied (chemical engineering). And I am still struggling with many things. I am still way better off then I would be if continued gaming LoL year over year. It is worth it.

I am currently detoxing from gaming and gaming content on youtube and doing  journaling daily too. I will swing by here from time to time.

With a clear brain and Attention available, you will figure out a way forward. Best of luck.

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Thank you for your reply. This seems like a really good recovery story for you. Keep up the good work. I wasnt successful today to replace my bad habits, so I gamed and watched series. Also was too late in bed yesterday. I can't really find any motivation to learn even though I should. This is really bugging me. I don't feel strong enough to abstain and change. Tomorrow is another day and another try to change this life.

Bye and cya tomorrow

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I contacted the Riot support again to delete my account. I had a shift at work today that I didn't check on my phone and thought that it were tomorrow so I didn't go there but played around 20 League games instead. This is a disaster. Also next week are exams and I haven't learned yet. It's the quiet before the storm. I don't think I have the willpower to skip my leisure media acitivity to do work either real or learning for uni. This means that I will sleep today at 11pm and try my best tomorrow morning to find something that I might do as a routine. The gradual progress is what counts. I won't make any promises. I just need to find a myself I would be proud of that I can work towards. This isnt as easy as it sounds. I can't imagine a version of myself that I'd like to be in the future. The current road seems to go nowhere. I have to become more realistic and honest with myself to see through my self-deceptions and find my future self. I should rush with that process as every second I become older and life dissipates.

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Great step deleting the Account. Maybe you know persons with charcter traits you envy. To achieve this traits through small habits could bei a first step to your future self.

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So today I only used my laptop for a total of around 45min and spent most of my time working on Respawn. I should probably be learning instead but it seems impossible atm. I watched Twitch again which most surely was the reason I dove into playing again so I won't do that again. I'm at step 5/8 with the workbook and will try to sleep Noe even though I feel really awake as I spent most of the last few hours on my phone. Tomorrow I will set up the missing steps and then follow them relentlessly. I don't understand how I can make the switchoff with my phone but there got to be a solution. I can't let this just be another helpless attempt to get this addiction under control. It has to work this time.

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@WorkInProgress
not sure. I like my parents and brother. I have few friends that I really enjoy being around atm. With those I like their persistence with their goals, their positive outlook on life, discipline, respect for themselves and healthy nighttime routine.  Those are not easy things for me to adopt but I should try, you're right

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23.07.21

Today I woke up at around 6.15am which counts as success given that the goal was 6am. So far so good. I didn't really know what to do with the time I was gifted waking up so early as working out as planned was a drag as I worked out every day this week 😄 So I just sat in the room and did nothing. The plan was to go to library at 9am but I didn't like to so I stayed in the house where I cleaned and tidied my room. Afterwards I informed myself about the current state of linux distros as I'd like to train myself programming again and linux seems like the natural way to go. Following the decision to use Manjaro/KDE I looked up recipies for workout shakes and decided to borrow spanish and arabic learning books from the local library. Time was running out as I wanted to register and borrow the books before 5pm when my workout group would start. was late to class but it wasnt that much of a problem. heavy workout where I could only partially participate which might on one side be caused by just not being fit at the moment but also the week long training journey. Now im back in my room after shopping for groceries and I warmed up a curry, answered my dad on a chat message and mixed a post-workout shake.

I'm not happy with my current situation as I often feel sluggish and unhappy and learning really feels terrible. It seems like there are so many other things in life that seem more pleasant. I really should limit my screen time over all devices more and will go into dopamine detox next week after the exams. I'm a bit stuck at the moment. I'd like to feel rested in the morning, full of energy to learn and make the most of the day but often times I have my energy exhausted really quick and those activities seem uninteresting and tedious. I don't know how I can make myself become motivated again by those things. Furthermore it feels like I really don't like to meet with friends atm as I'm not proud of myself and worry what they might think. Also I'm pondering on who really is a friend. 😄 I installed and again deinstalled Tinder and Bumble as I realized that I'm 1) not that sexy atm 😄 2) mentally too insecure and unstable to engage in anything worthwile. So there will be no sex/masturbation/porn/cams/sexting/dating apps for 30 days starting today. I guess that's what effective NoFap looks like in my case. I will keep working-out and with 4 more weeks and focus on myself and my physique/psyche things should take a turn for the better.

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25.07.21

Ok, so you might be wondering why I can't manage to follow through with the journal. There are two reasons: 1) My addiction is more of the general-dopamine like one. That means that I know that all kind of electronis can trigger me being unproductive and loosing my focus on previously planned goals. For a couple of days I won't use electronics after 8pm anymore which gives me no option to wirte the journal at this point. Because of my sleep deprivation (I'll talk about it) I can't remember all the things from the previous day and also I'm just sluggish atm. So the only remaining option to sum up the day is before 8pm in the evening. This is a rough spot as it competes with post-workout exhaustion, learning spanish, eating or even workout. Should set up a timer. (more on that later) 2) for the past couple of days I was unable to post when I hit the reply button. It seems that an addon in Firefox was blocking it somehow. Still have to figure out which one as I like my addons 😄

Talking about 24.07. I got out of bed at around 6:45am and felt like shit as sleeping remains an issue. This might be a really tough one because if I cant manage to wake up as my alarm clock indicates and be full of energy for a couple of days then I won't be tired in the evening as well. Evenings are the main problem though: can't find rest, feel unfulfilled with my life. For the most of my recent life there was someone there at the time who I could talk to. I broke connections that were toxic too a couple of people, so I'm left with less now. cant really dive into social activites though as I still have three exams remaining tomorrow and the day after. So this I understand and can wrap my head around. There were multiple other factors at work yesterday I think. Being convinced that my big goals should be the main focus I spend most of my work time yesterday to set up and understand Anki better which is a flashcard app mainly used by medical students. This isnt easy work but I could find some interesing ideas. The main target here is to push back against my worsening memory and collect all the missing puzzle pieces I dropped the last few years. Medicine is - as all other sciences - a tree that is only as strong and healthy as the connections and definitions that make up the understanding of a specific subject. So I have to keep my fundamentals checked if I really wanna make progress and use medicine only as a stepping stone to research and financial success. As I lost my job I can't really bring myself to buy important things at the moment because I'm afraid to loose money. So I really have to bring work back into my schedule. Somehow. will focus on the exams first. I worked out every day this week, sometimes more, sometimes less and I think I will keep doing this for a couple of weeks as it builds routine and brings me closer to my target physique. Will adjust which sports to do on which day though. Strength training a couple of days in series won't prove successful in building muscle. Also nutrition has to become better again. Will need new recipies that don't take too much effort. Then count macros. Old fashioned has proven successful in autumn 2019 where I tried to remove electronics from my life for the first time. I'm really unfocused I have the feeling. This is mainly working with my old gaming laptop from 2012 where there are so many hours wasted on games/series/porn/reddit/YouTube/ in general just browsing the web for fun and playing games. I know that this was selfish but I felt like the best I could do at the time. My social skills have to become better I think and also I have to become more optimistic for life. I tend to catastrophize at times. would like to talk to someone then but sometimes no one is around or I become really sensitive and think that this person doesn't listen to me. Yeah don't know. I guess I have to become better at solving my mental issues inside myself. Today will be an exhausting learn day so wish me luck. Also spending time in front of my screen is really the ultimate way to fall back into old habits. That's because I bought my wrist watch so I don't need my phone to check for the time and wont be tempted. I switched my phone to greyscale mode, deleted all stimulating apps from the start screen and put some quotes there instead. This way I should be remembered of mindful use with this device. haven't done so with my laptop though. Youtube is only two clicks away and  it feels like this should be my escape from reality. I really have to go into that dopamine detox. Then also YouTube is a valuable website where you can learn a lot of things. Maybe not the best way but one of the best accessible. Sometimes it seems like information really is only there. Like for examples with follow-through videos about programs and so on. So it is really really hard to distinguish between what is addiction/Dopamine indulgence and an escape from the real world into something to turn my head off and don't bother with my life and making progress on it when on YouTube. I would say that using YouTube really is my biggest challenge at the moment. I just had an idea to not show the recommended bar left and right but only the video in the middle. Then also switching off thumbnails in search. This might lead to a boring google search like looking results but that's exactly what I have to do. Then also how can you know if a 10minutes video is worth watching. In general this pushes a sedentary, passive lifestyle where you focus on watching videos. This is exactly what I'd like to escape from. 😄 havent figured out what to do about this. Also I don't think I ever had a healthy relationship with YouTube. Going hardcore and forcing myself to use other websites for information might be a stupid idea as there are definitely some parts where YouTube is king. The solution might be to dedicate a certain amount of time a week on watching YouTube. Apart from that i would be forbidden to spend time on it. This website really is such an easy way to go blank and loose focus on important parts. Also I kinda feel shit afterwards as I used so much time on watching videos with information that could be codensed in much smaller time. Also dopamine indulgence. The best way might be to really switch off YouTube all together. I think I won't use it anymore. Which will be really hard, given how much time I spend/wasted on it. Cam might disagree here as he is a Youtuber to some extent but we all have to find our path to success and YouTube is mine to failure. So I'm breaking up with it. Will spend the next two weeks living without the constant rush of dopamine and passive living. At some times I have the impression that I need a new group of friends that focus on self-improvement the same amount as I do so I can really become free, productive and powerful. I don't know why I fell so insecure around other people but boils down to sharing common rituals that I just don't like or find repulsive. It should be my mission then to cleanse myself of all bad thoughts and become the person I for so long dreamed of becoming. Free from guilt and pain and entrusted with a mission that I love fullfilling. I have a little theophobia which means that I believe in an evil god. satanism? 😄 If you reject that there is this wonderful, perfect existence that is the Christian god, then your belief in a powerful, allmighty yet stupid and sadistic spirit shouldnt be called satanism I think. Also I don't share the beliefs that spirit holds. So now you might ask. "That escalated quickly. Why would you believe in such a thing?" And my answer to that is that having talked with people intensely about their faith and I tried to convince them of atheism I couldnt manage to find a cohesive argument that contradicts the existence of a spirit as described above. Does the mere lack of an argument against its existence substantiate the belief in something? From a scientific point of view, yes it does I think. Everything else is closed mindedness. Then you might ask why would I believe in it if it only means pain to me? Pascal's wager. I know that this means that I deem the consquences of not believing in it worse as to believe in it. It all boils down to fear. I'm afraid of this thing. If anyone can give me a clear argument why all this thinking is pure bullshit, I'd be glad to hear. I'm pulling this thought with myself for a couple of years now and cant get rid of it. 😐

Nevertheless, being able to a least express stupid basic thoughts running through my brain is progress. Next up is learning emergency medicine, rehabilitation and case files from surgery. I have little motivation for them though. Living the life of a doctos seems boring to me. I believe after having aborted a physics studies that the most common path is the wrong path for me. Living an exceptional life requires doing exceptional things. So I better start doing them starting today.

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Cant find rest, so I'm here again. Goint through a tough time at the moment. Tomorrow is the second and hard exam day and im really badly prepared so might become a bad grade or even worse. That's why I had the brilliant idea to move my text book, written notes and tablet where the PDFs are on into my bed for a couple of minutes. Bad idea. Now i feel restless and I'm on my laptop again writing this journal entry and it's even after 10pm - my preferred bed time. So failed. I hoped to find some inspirational comment here to make me feel like everything is in order but I guess I write too much if im off for a couple of days 😄 I feel pressured to follow through with routines that ultimately would lead me to game again, so beginning after the exams tomorrow I will set up days that will have to work out without technology. This is gonna be boring and that's exactly why I do it. I want to shape my mind again to love doing hard things that I usually would postpone until i wouldnt care about it anymore. This is a toxic attitude that just leads to a stress buildup that ultimately leads me to keep looking for my dopamine on screens rather than real life which is exactly the pathway to hell or to see differently - another failed rehab. That's why I need this change and probably I have to convince my parents that there is no space for me to get my mind in order in the house so I have to drive somewhere, where there is no electronics but only my hard tasks that I hate atm because they seem frustrating and not worth it. My mind is trained to favor quick, dirty pleasures instead of finding fulfillment in hard but long-term successfull tasks. I have the plan to create an addiction folder where I collect all thoughts I have written down to keep my destructive thoughts at bay. These days will be tough and I will learn a lesson about my character and if I'm really capable of living the life of my dreams or if I have no mental shield that can work through those times of cravings. I need my life to matter to me. It's all I have and ever will be. My time is now and I won't waste it. I will push through the negativity in my life and approach my dreams by working towards them and nobody will change my commitment to myself. It is my duty and honorable task to shape myself into that personal ideal that I so long have delayed and excruciated with my short-minded thoughts and actions.

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