Marius' journal

[BooksandTrees]

It seems like you've been spiraling down a bit. I don't mean this in a malicious way, but even if you look back at the structure of your posts, they just become big blobs with no organization and a sense of panic. 

I think it's time to reset a bit and not let one bad decision spiral into another. If you get the bad sleep and feel bad the next day, try to do something that day to help you rather than say the day is gone anyways so I'll keep going with porn and games and YouTube. That's just gonna lead to a big avalanche. 

I tried doing the club life for a little after quitting video games because I thought I could socialize but it was similar habits of staying up late and escaping life. 

I don't think you enjoy these things. 

Try to look back at your journal and see what daily and weekly things really work for you. I think you thrive on structure more. When something goes bad try to do some exercise or yoga the next day when you can't sleep, or journaling etc. It seems boring but it will slow down your mind. If you notice in the posts on this website when you're not doing well you have no paragraph structure and it's one blob written very fast. This shows you need to slow down and be more in the moment during these times of panic. Meditation, yoga, exercise, stretching, journaling, or something like that can help. Even a bath or shower. 

You're doing fine, you haven't failed. You feel bad from poor sleep. Video games give dopamine. You feel drained after games, porn gives more dopamine than games. You're looking for the next big fix because dopamine won't be as strong the more tired you become. 

You're doing fine. Takes a pause and regroup. 

[The_Creative_Quitter]

@Marius - you've got so much ahead of you, you're just in a downswing.  Confidence will be built over time - and no one is without failures.  Failures are part of success... but you know all this deep down!  

Congratulations to you that you're still here and talking it out, you haven't chucked it all and given up.  I agree with BooksandTrees - take a break and start fresh later...

[Marius]

Well my break is over friends, I think. From Wednesday onward I didn't really care about anything in my life besides my electronic media usage. I binged YouTube, porn, even played some minor games. I did watch quite a lot of YouTube channels that are educational, nevertheless this is far from what I thought I would do when I came back to my apartment. I think I tried to change too fast and was disappointed when things didn't turn out as planned. The funny thing is that this method was actually the most successful so far which is why I will continue with it. I think forcing myself to do anything is really the bad approach. I watched a really great video on Better Than Yesterday and I will incorporate many of the mentioned ideas into my future schedules. The ways from which I set myself up to derive satisfaction and happiness from are flawed in the sense that they are unreliable. I have to stay happy throughout the day without me relying on them.

Edited December 31, 2021 by Marius
than

[Marius]

Hey, just wanted to say that I'm still there. Will keep my entries to one per week.

[Marius]

or not 😄 Welp, I found myself watching a lot of Twitch lately and actually played a porn game again. Porn in general has become a regular activity as well. I think I will try to cut down on those activities slowly as I tried to completely erase Twitch from my day yesterday when the days before I just to come back from uni and directly lay down on the couch to watch Twitch until I fall asleep in front of the screen, and couldn't really live with all the craving. It felt intense and almost uncontrollable. I chatted with a friend and then actually went on Twitch to watch some more until I fell asleep again in front of the screen. We are currently covering psychology in uni and I might have a narcissistic personality I discovered. Dunno why and since when but I can say that many of the described social interaction patterns are well known to me. As an underlying condition this might be suitable explanation for my emotional instability. I think I'm physically and mentally addicted to recreational internet usage atm. Most likely I try to dampen the pain I experience with real life. It's a flight from responsibility and unstable social relationships. I went to the gym today and learned a bit Spanish again. So this is on the positive side. I really don't think that I can manage today without going back to Twitch for the evening although I know that it's disastrous for my health and life. There is just this intense feeling of fear, loneliness, stupidity and my inability to sleep. I might have to try in-patient rehab because otherwise I'm at the end of my wits. I still really enjoy reading through all your journals and thanks for reading.

[Marius]

One week in using blockers to block almost all websites that I used to feel better but overall became addicted to. Internet is still a huge temptation and I believe that I can only heal when I plan more time without devices. Currently a little depressed because there are certain conflicts that resurface and I'm thinking a lot about my past life and what went wrong. I might have identified certain interaction that have led me to the mental problems I'm facing now. Will go into stationary rehab in the next time. Wish me luck

[goodvibes]

So relatable and best of luck to you. I myself have this offline journal page titled "Replace" and every time I find myself doing anything on computer I try and think of an unplugged alternative. Seeing I spend most of my time online researching topics and watching videos I'm sure I would really benefit greatly to build a habit to read more books instead.