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Marius' journal


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DAY 1 - 08.12.20

wake up time: 12am

sleeping time: 5am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  •  I didn't play or watched any gaming content.
  • I stayed true to my nofap goal.

 

summary of the day:

I woke to my clock at 8am but went back to sleep until 8.30am. Then I watched the rest of a lecture but had to fall asleep again during the second lecture. Watched the third and then went on to accomplish several todo-tasks including a call to arrange for a stationary stay at an addiction clinic. I did not feel ready to start to workout again and also didnt have much hunger. Getting groceries seemed to be an impossible task so I managed to eat what was left in the fridge. Cooking again after several days of just eating leftovers was a good thing. As the day progressed I did not stay away from my laptop but indulged in watching movies until 4am the next morning partly due to not feeling sleepy already and having severe sleep anxiety I suppose. So I replaced gaming/watching streams with other online passive activity and felt a bit shit afterwards but that's ok as I'm just getting started.

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • not staying up late for watching movies/youtube -> plan to have lights out on 10pm. reading at 9pm
  • spending more time without my laptop -> getting groceries, cooking, working out, continue with my room set-up

 

DAY 2 - 09.12.20

wake up time today: 10am

sleeping time yesterday: 4am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • I didn't play or watched any gaming content.
  • I bought groceries and cooked a meal.
  • finished the respawn guide

 

summary of the day:

I woke to my clock at 8am but went back to sleep until 10am though i promised a friend of mine to record a lecture that I missed that way. Then I watched the rest of a lectures of the day and wrote yesterday's journal. Afterwards I wandered off to watching youtube again but not for too long. I had a nap in front of my laptop for about 30min before I forced myself to go buy groceries which I did. I then made a salad and worked on respawn, I then cooked potatoes with eggs and spinach to accompany my salad. I continued to work on respawn and finished reading the guide at around 12pm when I went to bed

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt manage my sleeping goarl -> getting to sleep at 10pm
  • spending more time without my laptop -> cooking, working out, continue with my room set-up

 

DAY 3 - 10.12.20

wake up time today: 9am

sleeping time yesterday: 3am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • worked out out a workout routine

summary of the day:

I woke up at 9am so missed the first but made it to the second and third lecture. I didn't save my work on respawn sadly so I have to do it again. I spent the rest of the day learning about the r/bodyweightlifting routine first time went through it. I downloaded the Calm app to calm me down for sleeping but didnt manage to be successfull in that, so in the end I stayed up until 5 am. Also i fapped and will now expand my accompanying nofap goal to (no porn/no masturbation/orgasm allowed).

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt manage my sleeping goarl -> getting to sleep at 10pm
  • spending more time without my laptop -> set up my calendar for piano, room set-up, grocery shopping

 

DAY 4 - 11.12.20

wake up time today: 10am

sleeping time yesterday: 5am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • left the house for grocery shopping
  • managed to read a bit

summary of the day:

I woke up too late for the first two lectures and made it to the third. Then I went grocery shopping and baked a cake for a friend's birthday to which I went afterwards. I returned home at 9pm and did some online shopping, then watched a movie. Afterwards I managed to have the lights out at 12pm. Also I realized that I should set my 90-day goal to 1) Cold Turkey Gaming/Streams 2) no porn+no masturbation+orgasm allowed 3) decrease my time spent with electronics

 

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt manage to set up my room correctly for sleeping -> will do that tomorrow
  • didnt manage to read enough -> will do that tomorrow

DAY 5 - 12.12.20

sleeping time yesterday: 12pm
wake up time today: 8am

summary of the day:

I worked out in the morning, cleaned my apartment, washed my clothes, read a bit, wrote journal entries, met with my fwb and later another friend, made biscuits, watched a movie and went to sleep. I think I have to fight back the urge to go to my laptop and also do things that seem helpful as in the end I find myself mindlessly browsing the web. Also I feel how I'm so much drawn to electronics and I feel it difficult to read a book. I think I will also try to measure the time I spent being active on electronics.

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • worked out
  • cleaned my room
  • met friends

plans for tomorrow:

  • learning

 

DAY 6 - 13.12.20

sleeping time yesterday: 3am
wake up time today: 10am

summary of the day:

My friends stayed overnight and we spent the morning eating breakfast and listening to music. Then they left and I did a small workout and cleaned my room. Later another friend came over and we cooked together, then she left and I wrote my journal, read in my book and tried to sleep earlier. I find it hard staying away from my laptop and I havent found a blocker for android that accomplishes the same aspects as Cold Turkey can on Windows. So I think I might drift off to use the smartphone/tablet instead of my PC for mindlessly browsing the web which I still find hard to abstain from.

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • small workout
  • searched for app/website blocker for android
  • cooked a recipe from a cookbook of mine
  • read a bit

plans for tomorrow:

  • didnt find time and motivation to learn today -> learning
  • find an app/website blocker that works on android and install it

DAY 7/8 - 14/15.12.20

sleeping time yesterday: 1am
wake up time today: 8am

summary of the day:

Installing usage blockers on all my devices actually had a profound effect as I didn't use them at night but rather tried to sleep. This didnt work perfectly but it was enough to actually follow along all lectures today. Afterwards I read a bit but was still tired af so I lay down on my couch and had a nap for an hour or so. Next I got ready to have a doctor's appointment but wrote it down on the wrong time in my calendar so I was two hours early. I decided to pay a visit to my GP for HepB vaccination but I wasnt there as promised last week, only his assistant who told me to come by another day as she isnt allowed to administer the shot. Then I drove back to my first doctor and had the appointment. He prescribed me nasal spray and told me to let it work for some time before I can see results. I drove home, got the nasal spray from the pharmacy and decided to do a workout that somehow took really long but wasnt very effective. I listened to the game quitters podcast on the side which isnt all too bad but still an online activity and I think that it would have been more beneficial to shut me out of my electronics for the rest of the day. So afterwards I blocked everything, cooked some pasta and went to bed to read a bit before falling to sleep which I did though I couldnt manage to eat my pasta before. I didnt sleep well so I woke up at around 1am and decided that it might help to read a bit, what I did. Then I ate half my pasta and looked at the clock that was 6am already with 7am being my alarm. So I tried to sleep for the rest of the night and I felt that my demolished sleep cycle begins around 5am when I start to feel tired. My alarm went off at 7am but I went back to bed as I thought I cant listen to my lecture with this little sleep but fall asleep again until 8.30 when the lecture was halfway through. This demotivated me to even try listening to it and I went back in my pillow until 10am. I listened to lectures 3 and 4, ate another quarter of yesterday's pasta and found another blocker for Linux so I can completely shut down all my electronics now. I bought 3 books for christmas and wrote my journal.

miscellaneous accomplishments:

  • reading becomes easier
  • found blockers for all my devices
  • they are effective in stopping me to use them
  • worked out a bit
  • listened to game quitters podcast

plans for tomorrow:

  • try to wake up on schedule, no naps
  • also try to sleep on schedule, make your bed your sanctuary
  • drive home to my parents for christmas

 

DAY 9 - 16.12.20

wake up time: 7am

sleeping time: 11am

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • went hard on my blocking from 2pm onwards
  • worked out
  • bought christmas presents
  • brokered a deal for a beamer screen
  • got my HepB vaccine shot

summary of the day:

I woke up on time and actually managed to do most of my workout before my class started. There was a problem with the online program so they had to cancel one seminar that left me enough to time to have an appointment at my GP to receive my HepB vaccine jab. After class I blocked my computer, smartphone and tablet and went to buy several christmas presents for my parents and my brother. Returning home I felt the urge to use my electronics to strongly that I thought: "Wow this is gonna be a lot harder than I anticipated! Good idea to block these." I didnt use any of my devices for the time and played a bit piano, went to buy groceries and essential oils/room scent dispensers as my toilet has no outlet. I read a bit in a fitness book, prepared my food and lay down in bed as it was already getting late. I didnt manage to read anymore but felt really tired so I napped for a bit, then woke up again at 11.30pm and ate the rest of my food.

plans for tomorrow:

  • yoga
  • cleaning my room

DAY 10 - 17.12.20

wake up time: 10am

sleeping time: 23pm

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • met with a friend
  • worked my abs
  • limited my screen time in the afternoon
  • cooked a nice meal
  • cleaned my room
  • shaved my beard

summary of the day:

I woke up too late because I missed setting up my alarm. That fucked my uni stuff up and I was only able to attend the last lecture. Also I Haven't studied the stuff so far and I hate it. I hate learning because I often think I can't remember things as good as in my earlier years and my sleep problems take their toll. Tomorrow will be the last day before the Christmas holidays and I hope that I will find motivation at home to learn actually when it's tempting to just spend time with my family. Maybe staying away from the internet and limiting screentime while encorporating reading back into my life. I met with a friend today and we spent a nice afternoon evening together. I couldn't sleep very well and I don't know what I did wrong. Probably drinking too little. 

plans for tomorrow:

  • workout, stay strong
  • playing the piano
  • Full block when arriving home
  • Developing a way to stay away from tech at my parents'
  • read more, pls

DAY 11 - 18.12.20

wake up time: 8am

sleeping time: 23pm

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • set up a screen for watching movies with friends
  • got home for christmas and told my family about my detox
  • worked out again, will have to keep doing it daily for it to become a habit
  • blocking devices worked like a charm and I wasnt able to access any device at night

summary of the day:

I woke up on time but remaind snuggling until my class started. I managed to attend all classes in the morning and cleaned my room afterwards and prepared everything until my parents arrived to help me set up the screen. Also I managed to listen to all episodes of gaming the system/gamequitters' podcast as I don't think everything is equally important for me. After driving home we ate and I did a workout afterwards that took longer than anticipated so it was already late when I went to bed but still not that bad.

plans for tomorrow:

  • set up learn environment
  • reflect on appropriate screen / online time across devices and establish measuring solution
  • answering to emails
  • playing piano
  • reading

DAY 12 - 19.12.20

wake up time: 7am

sleeping time: 12pm

 

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • set up a lightning installation
  • repaired a leg on our piano
  • dug out several stumps from the garden
  • set up my offline learn environment
  • began training coding again
  • worked my abs, stretched

summary of the day:

I woke up on time and got out of bed to have breakfast with my father. Afterwards I went to my room to download my lecture notes and made the goal to limit screen time to maximium 4h (5h if coding the day) in total and my online time to 2h in total (including phone). That makes all my goals SMART - specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound for the detox, setting me up for success. Now living up to them will be the next challenge as I don't feel an obstacle with the first two (no games/streams and no porn/masturbation for 90 days). The third one is tricky and hard to master as I will have to deal with cravings and old habits. I have the book about forming new habits at hand and should probably start reading it right now. I will have to fight back the urge to prolong the time tasks take on my electronics to accomplish the small time frame I'm allowed to use the devices but I'm convinced that my offline activities will boost my mood to chase my dreams and become happier and less stressed in the end. It's a necessary and logical step that is consistent with my vision of a new life chapter. After figuring out the goals and their traceability I helped my parents to install three head lights in our kitchen. We managed to do so, afterwards I decided to try my luck in some leftover laurel stumps in our garden as they had to be removed before we can build a lumberyard up there. My methods worked and got all of them out. Next I removed a fractured screw from a leg of our piano. I drilled a longish pocket so I could use a slotted screwdriver to remove the screw remnant. Thus the leg could be screwed on again. Next I helped my father to move a table top to our garden shed. After that I tried to repair a hotplate on our stove but couldnt find a fitting screwdriver so I put the stove back in place. I decided to go to my room to continue with my coding endeavour but quickly found myself watching youtube videos for fitness/gamequitters. So I mostly passively watched videos instead of engaging in my mental task. We ate dinner and after that I returned to my room to continue looking for fitness youtube videos before starting some abs workouts and stretching afterwards. I decided to write this journal entry next and now im sitting here talking to you. I'm past my envisaged bedtime and haven't read a word today, so I'll probably do that now until I feel tired and then try to sleep

plans for tomorrow:

  • baking cookies for christmas
  • reading
  • progress my coding skills
  • playing piano
  • some cardio
  • preparing the christmás tree
  • meditating

DAY 13 - 20.12.20

wake up time: 12pm

sleeping time: 11am

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • baked the cookies
  • read a bit in "The Power of Habit"
  • played a bit piano
  • did a cardio workout

summary of the day:

I did not wake up on time as I forgot to turn on my clock correctly, so I overslept and was really groggy the morning. I made breakfast from the shake I had left and did a cardio workout afterwards. This was a bit exhausting so I had to eat after that. Then we baked cookies which almost took the rest of the day. Now we have a huge pile of different christmas cookies. Next i ate and went to bed as it was already late and read a bit in A Manual for creatiing atheists and The Power of Habits.

plans for tomorrow:

  • preparing the christmás tree
  • learning my uni stuff
  • playing piano
  • gardening
  • repairing the stove

DAY 18 - 25.12.20

wake up time: 7am

sleeping time: 1pm

miscellaneous accomplishments: 

  • today was my birthday - so I'm alive for 25 years already
  • received many gifts and congratulations today
  • actually reflected a bit on life and found some peace with developments
  • opened freecodecamp again, setting me up for further coding experience the next weeks
  • talked to my grandmother about her health condition

summary of the day:

I woke up on time and chatted with a taiwanese friend about her life and what we've been up to the last few months. I stretched and drank a nice shake in the morning. Afterwards I helped to prepare gifts for my uncle and aunt. Also opened many presents. I'm grateful to be born in a wealthy family but seem to be unsatiable and believe I'm a bit spoiled. My uncle and aunt came over and we celebrated my birthday before everyone left for their rooms again. I talked with my parents about the covid vaccines. Then I went to my room and thought about what is happening in my life atm, worked my back and decided to take a look at my telegram and wrote this journal entry.

Overall I'm pretty happy how the last days went. I couldn't set myself up for success though in the following areas: learning my uni stuff, sleeping well, developing coding skills, finishing my book til the end of the year, staying away from screen for the main time of the day, finding a job and more friends

I'll go to my bed now and try to calm down from the day.

plans for tomorrow:

  • repairing the stove
  • working out hard
  • building weight
  • little job search
  • meeting with a friend

 

DAY 30 - 06.01.20

wake up time: 2pm

sleeping time: 5am

I've just watched another movie with my laptop and it becomes commodity to fill my nights with this. I'm indulging in smartphone usage again heavily over the course of the day. Playing piano regularly and reading as much as I thought of at the beginning of the detox arent working out as well. I think I'm trapped in believing that just watching movies will make me become tired when in fact it keeps me awake. Probably I just gave up on my confidence to make a change in my sleep quality and also I'm arrogant enough to believe that not sticking to my sleep cycle plan will lead to success. I don't like reading and watching movies gives me more pleasure. This need for instant gratification stems from me not winning the day but being unhappy with social relationships, my body, my finances, my eating habits, my learning commitments and probably other minor stuff. Working in these areas feels difficult to impossible. Success like a joke. I'm not committed to life changes as I'm afraid this might negatively influence my social setting. I have to be honest and see that my social life is fucked up again and change is actually welcome. I'm not confident enougn to meet new friends as I feel my missing sleeps drags on to the day so I feel tired and ugly. I might be gluten insensitive and I might have to embrace that fact too. Being that difficult of a human makes life harder. I'm becoming depressed again. Also I feel like I should be living a life where I'm chasing after instant gratification stuff. I'm more or less addicted to it. This was easier when I started with the detox but after coming back everything is just fucked up and I don't have the belief that I'm in control of my life. Regaining control and saying no more often might me necessary. I will have to make plans with my calendar and stick to them. I will write down the next days now. My stomach doenst like the food I'm eating and that's making me sad as I hoped that striking gluten might be the solution but constant diarrhea, farts, dehydration, stomach pain is making me wanna kill myself. I thought about seeing a doctor but I feel like I'm using the health care system too much. I have to deal with legally binding stuff tomorrow. I have to unless I want to confront challenges. I dont know why I dont like to play by the rules and think I'm special. This is dangerous and sick. I'm toying with money as if it doesn't mean anything and I'm exploiting people and I don't feel bad about it. Why am I this way? Trying to keep my feelings down means that I'm becoming a monster. I somehow have to ride my feelings to safety. Job, invoices, deleting dating apps again, food journal, shit journal, forced wake up time, exhausting exercise will be made correct tomorrow. I will now try to sleep although I know that this will be harder than usual as I won't be able to do it at night. Also sleeping in is not acceptable. 11am I'll drink I wake up shake, do exercise until 12am, will update my cv and write applications for covid vaccinations, Nachhilfe and Körperwelten. Even if all are denied I will have a feeling of accomplishment in financial matters and pay my invoices / phone MVV / check measuring station / I'll send my contract to my health insurance and clean my room before my friends arrive at 2pm, We will try to sleep before 1am and wake up before 10am, I will continue with my productive life until I have done everything that might be put on a todo list. At 2pm I will learn with a friend until the evening when I ask him to leave before 8pm, I will then watch a short documentary until 9pm and then lay down in bed, so I can read for an hour before turning the light off and sleep, then wake up at 6am and start my morning routine with shake, exercise, showering, breakfast, news check, revision before starting the productive day with tasks left on the todo list. Less decision making, more productive habits. Careful for faulty ones.

 

Edited by Marius
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Dude you are doing a good job right there! Take some mins every day to feel proud of yourself for all the effort you are doing, you deserve those, really! It could make you feel at the beginning as you should not be rewarding so much simple tasks everyone can do, but right now you are not in the same situation as everyone, so those tasks will have a huge impact on you! So don’t doubt it, just take some mins before going to sleep to be proud and keep going, it is nice to hear that you are doing better!

Edited by alvayuso
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DAY 34 - 10.01.2021

I planned to not sleep today so I could be sleep-needy in the evening but didnt manage to stay awake during the day so probably took a nap at around 8-9 am until 3 pm when I realized that it had already gotten late and I didnt had any motivation anymore to accomplish my set goals for the day as I already "lost the morning". Starting the 90day-detox seemed like fun and I had a strong motivation to actually turn my life around but after my christmas holidays and my start into the new year all positive change seems to almost have gone. I still havent relapsed into playing League of Legends but I sense that I'm on a good path to start again. I guess good news is that my account has successfully been deleted by Riot Games so there would be the hurdle to start at Level 1 again. Detox is no fun at all. It feels like I'm draining myself of all things that made my life fun and let me feel happy. I know that this means that I havent really manage to replace old time-wasting activities with new growth-activities but I can't find myself to do even easy tasks like registering my health insurance as I think of it as too demanding. As I have a new beamer screen for watching movies in big I feel myself just lying on my couch and letting the pictures run over me. There is no motivation to do anything else. The original idea for the screen was to only use it together with friends but I can't find any at the moment who like to share unwatched movies with me so I rely on my own time. This leads me to extend the time I use in front of the screen into the late hours of night so my sleep cycle is fcked up like when I used to play League. All positive change I felt when entering this challenge has disappeared and what I'm left with is this fatalistic, disdainful view of life where I see myself as nothing more than exploiting the people around me. This is similar to when I was heavily depressed some years ago and looks like a similar path. There is a simple graph to show how to get my TODOs done. Sleeping is the start and seems impossible for me to accomplish. I know that when I will now get to bed to wake up tomorrow at 6am for my planned waking up time, most hours in bed will be spent with back pain, breathing fear and constant thought cycles without end that make me hate my life and bar me from sleeping. I'll stretching and drinking some water before sleeping now and then try to break the cycles although I tried so often already and failed everytime. Sometimes it feels like I hate myself and cant change my thoughts therefore as I'm punishing myself for being such a bad person. I hate most things I have done and will do so I don't feel like living at some days and the others keep me alive with the thought that exploiting my life is the only thing that is worth doing as it is already cursed. These might be beliefs that are untrue and I'm only keeping them to punish myself for actions of the past that I cant change anymore. Maybe a sense of neeeded perfection concerning my person holds me back to get back into life. I have to forgive myself with a new self that knows better and acts better and thinks better. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that as I feel that I have already internalised so many bad habits and relying on dopamine relesase systems that are easy to fall back into and hard to refrain from. Nevertheless this is the challenge I have set for myself and I will not back down until I die. Yesterday i watched porn, so this resolution failed and also played Cock Hero on pornhub so I guess I played as well. This is a half-failure for the detox but I won't count it as a total relapse as watching streams and playing games was not part of it.

Tomorrow at 6am I will win the morning and subsequently the day and won't keep my head happy with pleasure, high dopamine, numb actions but engage life and find enjoyment in being excellent in what I can do with my remaining neurons.

This diary will continue daily from now on. It helps myself to set goals in the morning and write about what I have accomplished in the evening.

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I will suggest you to test one day completely without screens (television or telephone). The more days you can do this the better. All your resting, distraction activities will have to involve talking to people in person or reading physical books.

At the end of that day, write down your realizations not only with regards to med/long term goals, but ways to get to those goals. When your method doesn’t work, you have to look at it differently and Figure out a new approach.

Worked example:

Aim- Getting employed.

Over 40 applications in the span of a year. From those 40, two employers called to an interview. No success. 

 health isn’t good enough to stay focused 9am-5pm, lacking a sense of direction and motivation. This shows when the question is asked:”Why did you choose to work with us?”

Left office with a sense of relief that possibly this job wasn’t the right one and many more opportunities will come. 

Create pressure- Need for marriage, proof of self-worth, achieving a great mission. A great mission requires at least about 5 years of a balanced day to day effort to achieve. Most great missions take more, 10 to 15 years. Always make adjustments and correct your plan along the way to suit the changing circumstances. 

New discovered goals: complete 2 -3internships this year to better get a feel for your calling in life. Start diagnosing your health and tackling the issues with correct exercise, diet, socializing.

Create a book plan from the issues you have identified. A book plan isn’t just reading, but taking notes and applying advice in a trial and error fashion. Creating weekly and monthly reports on the results and writing short summaries of your key findings. There won’t be any time left for thra TV. You will be in the self development game.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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DAY 35 - 11.01.21

I planned yesterday to wake up today at 6am but was awake until 4am, so I slept in and couldnt stay true to my goal. The reason was that I was thinking too much about my past school when I went to bed and wasn't fully worked out I suppose. So I skipped classes today and got out of bed at around 1.30pm when I managed to update my CV and write a couple of applications. Maybe this will lead me to a steady job what could really help me to find routine and self worth in my life. It's late again when I'm writing this, so this might be the last action I take on this day before i go to bed. Sadly I did not workout today but only spent time on my laptop - being productive with my application and other paperwork though. I'm not motivated enough for working out I suppose because I have low T levels I suppose. Will have to fix nutrition first probably. Also didn't eat enough today, will have to get better on this tomorrow. Should buy a vacuum cleaner tomorrow as mine is half-broken and I'm pushing this task away from day to day. Same with selling old clothes. Will do that when I'm in bed today.

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I suggest taking melatonin pills before bed at around maybe 10 o'clock so you can go to sleep. I usually try that when I stay awake in bed and also, try to stay awake during the day by doing high-intensive exercises between classes or maybe just ten push-ups per hour. Another alternative to sleeping well in the night is drinking coffee before noon.

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