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Ending the Loop


Pochatok
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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm sorry you relapsed. I'm about 2 weeks free now and kind of want to relapse and watch but I think it would make me feel bad so I'm not going to do it.

Stay strong! I think I have been having a lot of issues with discipline and overall feeling very stressed but also mentally drained, and all those things together have triggered a relapse. I have failed to acknowledge a large problem coming my way and it hit me really hard the last few days. Discipline is something I lack in many areas of my life still, but hope to improve and become unstoppable like you @BooksandTrees :')

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8 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Stay strong! I think I have been having a lot of issues with discipline and overall feeling very stressed but also mentally drained, and all those things together have triggered a relapse. I have failed to acknowledge a large problem coming my way and it hit me really hard the last few days. Discipline is something I lack in many areas of my life still, but hope to improve and become unstoppable like you @BooksandTrees :')

I definitely stayed strong! We've got this. You've got a great attitude. 

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Posted (edited)

Hi everyone who still reads my journal, here is another entry for you ❤️

WEEK 23

It's finally summer- today is the first day after finals, and I am chilling. I've been both lazy and productive, just doing the things that are necessary and/or I am passionate about. Soon, I'll have more on my hands and will be pretty much on my usual work schedule. Here's to the rest of the week, I suppose?

I am grateful to/for:

  • a less stressful finals week this term, it was nice to finish the term without too much stress.
  • Hayao Miyazaki for writing the manga Nausicaa from the Valley Of The Wind. Just finished it, and it was so amazing all the way through that it inspired me to start another art project. Lifechanging!
  • the fan in my room. It's so hot outside!

Good things from last week:

  • I have not relapsed with porn for over a week; hope to be able to go for more than two weeks this time. 
  • I am going abroad this summer, for the first time in 3 years 😮 Fingers crossed things will go well.
  • It's been not too bad overall. I'm productive, passionate about various things, and only a bit lonely (my partner is going away for a couple weeks). 
  • I've been trying to spend more time resting- not looking at a screen while eating, going outside, or laying on the bed without doing anything, for example. It definitely has helped me self-reflect more and fuel my passions. I am not super comfortable with this yet, but I'll continue to push myself in this direction.

Challenges:

  • Porn is no longer difficult to keep at bay, but now I am having trouble... eeek... keeping good eye contact with people. I think it has to do with the fact that it is summer and more people are wearing open clothes, but at the same time I am overcomplicating the whole process of making eye contact. It has been getting better day by day but I need to keep improving more!
  • Loneliness is hitting up at times. As someone who does not have very close friends (or friends that I talk on a daily basis to), there are moments when I suddenly experience high stress for seemingly no reason. Given that I (for reasons) do not really notice or feel "lonely" most of the time, I think that these sudden moments of stress can be attributed to lack of socializing. Well, gonna be home soon, lots of people to see there 🙂
  • I have trouble getting up when I want in the morning. I still do, but damn it's a struggle! That is slightly odd given how many things there are for me to look forward to. Perhaps, when I am about to go to sleep, I should write those things down so I can remember them right away upon waking up?

Goals for next week:

  • Continue learning how to rest
  • Try to find more care/passion for the things I need to do.
  • Connect with people 🙂
  • Stay hydrated
  • Learn animation more!
  • Start composing, but better 😆
  • Make more goals- find things I enjoy and really focus on them
  • Read more!

 

Well, that is it for this week! I hope to be around here a bit more to support y'all, summer is a tough time for gamequitting.

Po

Edited by Pochatok
week indicator
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On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

I have not relapsed with porn for over a week; hope to be able to go for more than two weeks this time. 

 

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

It's been not too bad overall. I'm productive, passionate about various things, and only a bit lonely (my partner is going away for a couple weeks). 

 

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

Loneliness is hitting up at times. As someone who does not have very close friends (or friends that I talk on a daily basis to), there are moments when I suddenly experience high stress for seemingly no reason. Given that I (for reasons) do not really notice or feel "lonely" most of the time, I think that these sudden moments of stress can be attributed to lack of socializing. Well, gonna be home soon, lots of people to see there 🙂

 

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

Porn is no longer difficult to keep at bay, but now I am having trouble... eeek... keeping good eye contact with people. I think it has to do with the fact that it is summer and more people are wearing open clothes, but at the same time I am overcomplicating the whole process of making eye contact. It has been getting better day by day but I need to keep improving more!

I remember I took up looking in the eye as a challenge about a year ago. It was interesting funny to see how many people flickered with their eyes or avoided eye contact altogether. The chills came when they stared back at me! 😄 It's said solid eye contact is a good indicator of interest though.

Have you thought about why you watch porn sometimes? Are you lonely? Do you want novelty? Do you want to make your partner jealous? All of them are valid reasons.

I don't watch porn, but I think that my personal "problem" is that I tend to fixate my sexuality on one person fairly quickly. That's somehow troublesome long-term, because I miss and pass on the other options that are available to me - I don't mean necessarily anything physical, but flirting. There's power in knowing that I have options, even if I don't need to explicitly demonstrate that.

The solution to feeling lonely could be somewhat similar - to have more friends, but I think it's only an issue if you feel lonely consistently.

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

I have trouble getting up when I want in the morning. I still do, but damn it's a struggle! That is slightly odd given how many things there are for me to look forward to. Perhaps, when I am about to go to sleep, I should write those things down so I can remember them right away upon waking up?

I think that's normal when we have a relaxing period, that we just laze around and roll in bed more. There's obviously always something "to do", but taking the time "to be" is also important, so that we aren't just a bunch of robots with statistics.

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21 hours ago, Ikar said:

Have you thought about why you watch porn sometimes? Are you lonely? Do you want novelty? Do you want to make your partner jealous? All of them are valid reasons.

Haha yes, I have thought of it! There are lots of reasons; the primary ones are lack of sex (health reasons between me and my partner), and in general porn functioning as a stress relief for me. I've found ways to satisfy/deal with both of these reasons without porn, and recently I have crossed the two week mark heh. 

However, I think that porn will continue to be something I struggle with for some more time, but I also have been seeing more and more improvement with it every week. 

Next habit to break: picking my acne/face in general and scratching my head.

Thank you for checking in @Ikar

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Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, Ikar said:

think that's normal when we have a relaxing period, that we just laze around and roll in bed more. There's obviously always something "to do", but taking the time "to be" is also important, so that we aren't just a bunch of robots with statistics.

Heh, that is true! But, I am consistently trying to improve my discipline, and getting out of bed on time is the one thing I can not force myself to do (hence my concerns about it- I feel like it messes with my routine). Recently, I've decided to change the goal to "getting out of bed earlier than the day before", and it works much better- I wake up around the same time every day, but get out of bed 10-15 minutes earlier every day. My goal is to start waking up at 6AM by next week- everyone in my family wakes up very early and I need to keep up with them in order to have a productive day heh.

I appreciate your input greatly, once again!

Edited by Pochatok
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and it's WEEK 24! 6 month streak yaaaaaaaaaaaaasss

I am grateful to/for:

A loving family. Every time I have been returning home since last summer, things have been improving little by little. There is surely a million issues everywhere within our family, but some of them are finally getting worked on/are improving. I can finally say that I am enjoying being at home along my family (though I believe that my attitude has changed as well, and I am more caring and passionate towards my family members). 

Good things from last week:

  • I am enjoying living in the basement because it is just the right temperature. Upstairs is a hotdog. 
  • I finished the year with all As, and was able to land 100% on one exam. I feel super happy that my professors have been quite supportive and accommodating during this term and helped me make this happen (and big thanks to my partner, who is most supportive human ever lol)!
  • I am, overall, doing pretty well and not wasting much time. I have stopped watching my TV show, have been reading more (for fun, woah), and am getting nearly all of the things I want done on time.
  • I overworked during last weekend as the year was ending and I had sooo muchhh work to do as an RLA. Yet, it was a joyful time during which I connected to a lot of people and did a lot of good things. It was nice.  

Challenges:

  • I still need to work on my discipline. Getting out of bed late is one thing (and honestly beneficial in some ways), but I have to work on doing the right things at the right time (for example, I did not practice my instrument in the morning and now might be unable to practice it for the rest of the day cuz there are other things in the way). 
  • Not relapsing with some bad habits is not easy at the moment. Campus environment is more socially isolative, yet also more encouraging. At home, it is more easy to succumb to my habits since my partner and friends aren't around, and things are a bit slower, uncomfortable, and messier, which does get me stressed out in a more "triggering" way. I think I will adjust to this over time.
  • Proper rest needs to be worked on again! Being at home, I feel like I can not really rest (which is partially true, there are sooo many things to do honestly). However, I need to keep my eating, sleeping, and short-resting habits clean, free of distractions and as stress-free as possible.

Goals for next week (italicized= from last week):

  • Continue learning how to rest
    • I've made some setbacks here; need to continue to learn to treat myself better
  • Connect with people 🙂
    • I've made some improvements, but I still do not reach out to some friends as much as I ideally want to. I can be a better friend 😮
  • Start composing, but better 😆
    • do not have time for this at all, sadly. Perhaps later in the summer?
  • Work on my discipline
  • Stay more self-aware during passive activities. 
  • Don't avoid cooking when needed. Lazy ass. 

This is it for this week, thank you @Ikar and @BooksandTrees for stopping by!

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Just wanted to journal because the last few days have not gone the way I'd like them to. Time to analyze and try to improve the way I am spending my time, gaining motivation and inspiration, and etc etc.

How I am spending my time lately:

The last few days I've been getting most of the things on my to-do list done, but that would often be it- anything not on the list would be likely brushed aside. I did not practice trombone for awhile, paused exercise, and avoided cooking (in favor of chips), among other tiny things. Today, I've definitely made some progress in how productive I am, but I am feeling like my poor habit of getting myself easily distracted and losing a sense of time (I can spend ten minutes on Youtube thinking it was two). 

How I am attempting to improve productivity:

One of the things I've already attempted was to change my workplace- I am now residing upstairs, with a lot of daylight, more people present around, and my workdesk is no longer in the very corner of a room. This has helped me stay focused and not be distracted for longer periods of time(though I have still lost time on YouTube). 

I am also trying to keep my posture better- it has been worsening the last few days, and, in general, I stay productive as long as my posture is good (and vice versa). 

Getting back into routine tasks is important too- I need to focus on things that I am doing for my own wellbeing, every day. Not something like washing dishes, but watching an animation tutorial or recording a song. Not sure how actually helpful it is, but there are some things I can/should be doing every day but am not. 

Journal more often, and try to allow more moments of stillness. The last few weeks, when I'd be eating, I would not be doing anything else; I would have time to think and reflect on my recent past, and enjoy the food. Now, I am back to watching or reading while eating, while journaling is slowly fading away (yet again). I need to give myself more intentional times of stillness throughout the day, and also dedicate time to journal.

Since this is a pretty small list of things so far, I also will try to read more often, as reading is the one thing that certainly keeps me curious and interested in the real world, and fuels many of my passions. I need a source of knowledge and excitement that will help me stay very awake during the day.

What to watch out for:

One of the current struggles is porn, again. I've journaled plenty on this topic elsewhere already, and I think that a lot of it has to do with other issues, which are all linked to an uneventful life- I do not have many goals to achieve in a clear timeline, few deadlines, and even fever events to partake in. I should focus on having something to achieve for every day of the week, and plan out goals for the week ahead, too. 

I think I will do that on my current software for planning and organization; I have been already doing it, actually, but not consistently enough. 

Hopefully this will lead me to some advances!

I guess that's all 🙂 

 

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Into Week 26

 

Woop woop! My sister has been playing games on my PC and I installed her one of the games that I used to play myself and... I relapsed. I played for about 20 minutes total yesterday and the day before. However, I really do not feel like playing video games- the thought of "what else can I do with my time" appears as soon as I launch the game. At the moment, I am completely disinterested in gaming. Yes, there are urges, but I feel so much more excited about doing other things, some of which have been:

  • Working on my huge summer projects- they will impact thousands of people across many different schools 😮 I'm really excited to see where they go, and feel very lucky to be able to work on such a scale on my own.
  • Learning Animation in Blender- though I have not yet started animating per se, I've been learning lots of technical aspects of animation within this software, and it's soo fun!
  • Making Music- practicing my instrument has never felt more rewarding, and I am actually wanting to practice every day. I hope to continue to work on the smaller projects I have been working on, and perhaps start making bigger things in the near future.
  • Making other art- I'm currently also working on a painting and a tattoo design. I do not have much recent experience with either, so it has been fun to (re)learn these processes. 

However, there have been some setbacks and challenges in the last week, that perhaps have contributed to my relapse:

  • Pornography has been an issue again- I've been relapsing more and more frequently, though for the next 3 weeks I will definitely stay clean cuz I'll be travelling heh
  • Time Management- I am productive overall, but not nearly enough efficient with my time to get done all the things I wish to get done. Almost every day, something gets left out 😞 
  • Relationships- I have had two agressive outbreaks towards my parents, both of which were unreasonable and regretful: I would accuse my parents of something, or assume that I have specific knowledge to fix an issue within my family, but would be immediately rebuttled by all my family members (cuz my arguments didn't really make sense). It is really hard to admit at times that I am still not very knowledgeable of certain topics, and that there is still a lot of things I do not understand. I do hope to continue to grow though, and prevent more of such outbreaks.

Other than that, it has been a good time! I am going to Lithuania tomorrow, and today is my sis' BD!

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Played some more today- about 40 minutes total. Fairly unrewarding- though I feel like playing some games does improve certain skills like stress management, planning, and ability to react calmly, I feel like there are better ways in which I can achieve the same result. I am glad that I am leaving to Lithuania tomorrow, and will not keep the game installed once I return- I must admit that I do not have the capability on my own to refrain from gaming; but simply uninstalling all games completely is enough!

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  • 2 weeks later...

A brief reflection about two weeks past my last relapse: To recall the experience itself, it was rather unpleasant, as I certainly had some better things to do since it was my sister's birthday lol. Though I do enjoy gaming, and find value in some of it- it can be inspirational, stress-relieving, and blah blah blah, all of those things can be gained through other ways, without me necessarily gaming. 

During the trip, I really enjoyed reading some video game lore and development process, and that was honestly a better experience than gaming itself. I think that someday I would certainly enjoy to work on a game, but that is not nearly the same as just playing one simply because I am bored. 

I think that I want to keep away from gaming for the rest of the summer, and instead keep thinking of the other things I want/have to do, because it is always a list too long, and I never have truly enough time. 

I think that certain games are inherently appealing to me as an artist, but I need to continue to remember and explore more the concept that experiencing a game and playing it are not the same thing. I enjoy games, but not playing them. 

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Other than that, it has been a costly built enjoyable first trip abroad on my own! There have been some mistakes made, for sure, but I've made a lot of wonderful memories and pictures with my partner, and am very happy that this trip has happened. Cuz there ain't much happening for the rest of the summer besides work anyways, heh. Here is a pic from the trip:

C0150BC5-BBCC-4BA6-84A2-C90DEA0CC4E7.jpeg

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  • 2 weeks later...

Heyo! 

On 7/10/2021 at 11:03 AM, Pochatok said:

but that is not nearly the same as just playing one simply because I am bored. 

This turned out to be not exactly true- I have been playing about 15-30 minutes both yesterday and today. Though games certainly aren't super fun for me anymore, I do find them enjoyable in very short amounts. I've thinking a lot about my feelings of guilt and discomfort when gaming, and how those were largely caused by my self-shaming from my unsuccessful quitting attempts. I'm guessing that if I were to learn to actually enjoy gaming without feeling down, I would have a more halthy relationship with them. 

I've been looking at my other leisure activities, and they are not much different from gaming in their purpose- they help me relax my body and refocus my mind, and they teach me various things. Those activities are primarily being outside, reading, watching TV shows and listening to music. Though I believe gaming to be the least beneficial of them, it is probably the one that lets me relax and relief stress the most. I think this is the reason I am not interested in playing more than 10-15 minutes per day: though today I played about 20 minutes, the last 5-10 were giving me some anxiety and stress.

I think that I am at a point in life where I finally can easily notice when an activity stops being enjoyable and turns into a stressfull one. However, there is still some work to do on how self-aware I am when doing such activities, and how quickly I can act accordingly to mitigate stress.

It is exciting to finally be having a healthier relationship with leisure and gaming in general. I've never been able to enjoy my life as much as I do now. 

Will recap the week a bit later 🙂

Thank you for reading, and let me know what you think of my thoughts- do you think that it is best to keep gaming out of my life completely (and why, if so), or is moderation possible and beneficial?

Po

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Hey Po,

Been a minute.  I think testing the waters can be a good thing, sometimes you need to get your hands dirty to really understand a situation.

I personally believe that letting go of games fully, has been a great weight off my shoulders.  It changed my perspective on how I am supposed to live as a man, but it didn't happen over night.  It took years before I was able to fully let go, which is where I am at today.

Only you know what to do because all our lives are so massively different.  Just know you are where you are supposed to be in life.  And, learn all you can from that experience.  

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4 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

Hey Po,

Been a minute.  I think testing the waters can be a good thing, sometimes you need to get your hands dirty to really understand a situation.

I personally believe that letting go of games fully, has been a great weight off my shoulders.  It changed my perspective on how I am supposed to live as a man, but it didn't happen over night.  It took years before I was able to fully let go, which is where I am at today.

Only you know what to do because all our lives are so massively different.  Just know you are where you are supposed to be in life.  And, learn all you can from that experience.  

Hmmm, I think I might be on that journey as well. I think that I decided to revisit actually playing video games as I am still struggling to let go completely of video games in some ways. At the moment I feel like I am gaining a better understanding of what gaming means to me, and how my relationship with it was in the past, and what I want it to be now. A few months ago I was in a situation where I reconnected with my ex, and it was actually very awesome to revisit the relationship I used to have with them and the ways I thought of it; I've realised that many of my views were incorrect, and think much warmer of my ex now, and feel comfortable around them. 

Either way, I feel like there are so many more things I now value in life that I do not want to game for more than 10 minutes a day. And, my mindset has changed enough so that I can actually do leisure activities only for as long as they are enjoyable. 

Thank you so much for checking in, I've missed reading your new journal entries. Hope to read more of them soon @Average_Guy cuz you're so awesome and your life is so interesting to me!!!

Po

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Journal Entry!

Starting over no games counter, just for fun: Day 2

Reflection on games:

Have decided to uninstall the game yesterday morning. I feel like I only experience positive feelings from playing if I play once every, uhhh... 5-6 months? I might play again sometime in the future, perhaps during Winter Break, but until then I do not feel like this is a good way to spend my time. Playing just for ten minutes yesterday, I did not experience excitement, but rather stress as I was trying to progress through the game. Sure, there were some interesting, fun parts, but it did not feel meaningful. I do not like to play games that ask me for a lot of time. I like games where I can feel joy and excitement right away, without having to put in "work". Minecraft is probably one of those games, for its amazing terrain generation, but I don't feel like installing it lol. 

Reflection on my current state of mind:

This is the reason I felt like journaling in the first place! I am feeling rather odd today, with a lack of energy for doing household-related activities. I only washed the dishes twice, barely vaccumed, and cleaned up once. The days before, I'd do far more by this point in time- the day isn't over, so I still have time to get into that! And, I have not been able to stay focused in general and am not remembering very well what I did for some parts of the day. I know I watched some Youtube videos for about 30 minutes, but other than that, I have not been surfing the internet much; yet I feel like I've lost hours of time today for some reason. This feeling is really getting down on me and my posture- I am acting as if I am tired, though I am not feeling exhausted. It's annoying. 

Perhaps, there is something that is preventing me from being more energetic and efficient today... Maybe, it's:

  • Foggy, cold weather today and lack of natural ligting in the house
  • Watching a kind of tough and sad and complicated scene in a TV show
  • Waking up late
  • Having a loooong to-do list

hmmm, I see that all of these are more or less factors outside of my control- and if I would find more, would I really know if that is the cause? Perhaps, instead of thinking back on what caused this odd feeeling today, I should think forward on how to make myself feel better, and focus on being productive. I do still have a lot of things to det done today, I should stop avoiding some of the tasks!

Ahhh, I still have not created a routine for days like this; a list of things that can make me feel better would be essential. Welp, will try to do that tomorrow!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Po

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Brief thought: I have an annoying tendency to make mistakes when I do not need too so I can simply "feel through" the outcome. 

When it comes to gaming, I often think "playing games again will not make me feel any better", but then I proceed to play anyways simply so I can prove myself right (and I do, bah). There are many other areas of my life where I fail just so I can push myself through it and "learn" from it, when I can simply avoid the failure in the first place. I am not exactly sure where and why this is coming from, but this thought has been looming over my head all day today.

 

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Today was pretty fine- I was super productive, and got most of the stuff on my to-do list done. Yet, I am not feeling happy at all. For some reason, there is a build up of anxiety and frustration that I am sensing; I wish I could tell where this is coming from. My current attempts to fix this include:

  1. Watching lots of relaxing youtube videos.
  2. Being more productive
  3. Not doing anything while eating
  4. Doing things while eating
  5. Drinking lots of water
  6. Not exercising much like I would usually
  7. Not talking to my partner all that much
  8. Not spending a lot of time resting on my own/meditating

Welp, I think I can tell what's wrong with my coping methods lol. Gonna try to focus on consistency and better habits tomorrow. What has helped a lot today was listening to some older, more experienced people share their wisdom. Gonna start taking notes on those vids tomorrow heh, no point in keeping it all inmy head cuz I'm forgetful. 

Some of the things I learned:

  1. Pay attention to the process, but have a clear endgoal in mind- why am I doing what I am doing. Without purpose, the process falls apart. 
  2. If I am not feeling well, then I must try extra hard to not fall into bad habits, since they make me feel worse in the long run and only worsen the problem.
  3. Journal, journal, journal! Allow myself time and space whenever possible- even if I cannot actually document my thoughts, time for stillness is key. 
  4. Be a rolemodel even when no one is watching, because all I do is interconnected- a truly good rolemodel does things well when noone is looking. 
  5. Start my grind with the thing I am the least excited about- or otherwise I will never get it done. It is easy to find time for things I enjoy. 
  6. When unsure why I am doing something, or having difficulty focusing, stop and rethink the purpose of the activity. 
  7. Don't think about what my bad habits are bad, but what my life would look like without them; build purpose around the bad habit by imagining a better future.
  8. Keep this going! It is important to recap what I learn every day, even if it is very little.

Thank you 🙂

Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Doing well! Day 12, I guess?

Journaling

The last few days have been a large improvement in minimizing all of my bad habits: I stopped checking twitter every day in the morning, watching Youtube for 30+ minutes per day, scratching my head and face, and have overall been more proactive. Definitely feeling better- I think these things were numbing my loneliness (which is hitting up now, bleurgh). 

Fortunately, I am hanging out with friends tomorrow, and a week from then my sister, and then my partner, are both coming home. Yay yay! Can't wait to play board games with everyone and watch stupid movies and all that. 

Working has been good- I've got to do some Art-related things, both for recognition and for $$$, and overall there is a lot of variety amongst my tasks. I really want the in-person jobs to start sooner though, I've been doing things online for way too long. 

My biggest worries:

  • not getting smaller, personal things done on time like making presents for my partner.
  • getting more sad and facing all the drawbacks from that.
  • my hangouts getting cancelled!

My biggest goodies:

  • I am on top of my schedule. Even when I do not get everything done, the day goes by quickly but memorably. 
  • I have been gettinng up felling not very sad or angry! I can actually think of a few things to look forward to as soon as I wake up.
  • Summer is coming to an end, and this has been one of my overall happier summers! Thinking of it right now does not make me happy lol, but it certainly will once it's officially over!

That's all for now, thank you so much for reading! Have an awesome weeeeeek

Po

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Day 15! Simply wanted to journal because I am going through a high amount of stress and this is a helpful activity. 

Journaling

I've had an incredibly joyful Monday- met up with a friend and my high school ex to play some board games. I have not seen them in over 1.5 years, and it was incredibly good in so many ways to just spend some time with them again. And it feels good to feel comfortable around my ex; hope she feels comortable around me too. 

Tuesday was a bit more difficult- I've had a lot of anxiety about not sticking to my to-do list and doing other things instead. This prevented me from being very effective, and from enjoying certain activities. However, I did get quite a bit of good things done, and watched a really interesting movie with my Family (American Beauty).

Today has been okay! I nearly relapsed with porn, and was a bit more distracted by social media than usual, but have gotten a lot of things done. I'm looking forward to some more personal acitivities in the 2nd half of the day, and hope that I'll be able to get enough of the more urgent things done, too. 

My biggest worries:

  • not getting smaller, personal things done on time like making presents for my partner (same as last week)
  • being too tired to stay self-aware and relapsing with porn or just wasting time in other ways
  • spilling out anger/frustration/agression on my family members

My biggest goodies:

  • I am being more relaxed with my schedule- not super on top of everything, but getting the right things done, on time
  • I am practicing trombone regularly! though there isn't really a good reason to, I just enjoy it, and it will give me some goodies later on; it is important
  • The weather is much nicer, and that impacts my motivation greatly- I want to rest less, and work more (even when I am outside in the sun)

That's all I have at the moment. Thank you very much for reading, you are awesome!

Po

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Day 22. I felt like journaling earlier and had this page open all day. Why not?

Journaling

I think that at times of high stress I see this place as a potent solution to my distress. Today I realized this way of thinking, and how false this belief is, too. Often, i open up GQ and simply browse other people's posts for 10-20 minutes; another way to numb myself, not reflect, this seems to be. Even journaling itself in this way is not a good way to reflect; voicenote or writing on paper is much more profound, imo. GQ is really a platform to share conclusions, not so much to find them via reflecting. 

My biggest worries:

  • not getting my present for 2 year anniversarry with my partner done on time aah
  • my family getting more issues once i leave (cuz school starts for both me and them)
  • getting behind on important job responsibilities (there is suddenly a lot of things picking up, and I'm worried I'll drag behind cuz it's a large workload)
  • the weather is disgusting again; hot and very humid; everyone in my family is highly inactive and sweaty, ew

My biggest goodies:

  • I passed my driving test on the first try, yay! Barely though, heh
  • my parter and my sister are both back home; the family is reunited! Feels both good and odd to be back together, it's been a few months and things are, as always, a bit different
  • I've been slightly better at refraining from social media; there has been a surge lately, which is actually what caused my stress today!

This is it for today, trynna stay alive! Hope to feel better next week, the weather is really killing everyone at my house 😞 

Po

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Day 29. I am being distracted by gaming news at the moment, and really want to refocus and make the most out of this day. Let's check in!

Journaling

The last few days have been tough as I am moving back onto campus, and a lot of my activities are starting up, and starting up fast! My 20hr/week job has taken over 25 hours of my time in the first two days lol (but it should calm down next week). Being all by myself is increasing my feeling of loneliness, though I understand that it is false; my partner is 5 minutes away, and there are people right next door. I am not alone, not unless I am trying to be. This stress has impacted how much I am on my phone and on porn sites, and I am getting it back under the control atm. I do feel like I am not improving at all sometimes, though I do know that to not be true; I am making progress, even if small. I think I need to work more on my boundaries and self-control to avoid future relapses. I need to learn better discipline, in the right way. 

My biggest worries:

  • Continuing to not be able to act properly when I am heavily stressed (you know, the HALT thing?). I lose a lot of time by not dealing with stress properly
  • Not being able to manage all my responsibilities and duties at the 6 positions I am currently holding. Ughhh so many!
  • I've been having frustrations with my partner, and we are having difficulties resolving them. I am worried things will not improve soon. 

My biggest goodies:

  • I am doing well on my positions so far- I am putting in good effort and enough time. Hope to keep it up
  • My dorm room looks so pretty! I have never cared enough before to decorate my living space, but it does make a difference- I like being where I am right now.
  • I have had an amazing, beautiful dream about nuclear disaster- sometimes I wish I could photograph my sleep lol. I was very sad to wake up haha

I am feeling better now! Let's stay focused and avoid getting on twitter for the next forty minutes 🙂

Have a great day! 

-Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 37. Felt like it's been a minute. Tomorrow is 2 year anniversarry with my partner. I am excited and nervous- I hope that our humble expectations will be met, and that we will manage to not argue for the whole day lol. 

Journaling

Something that has been bothering my partner quite a bit and causing a lot of frustration in our relationship is my tendency to overfocus on stuff. I often zoom in while doing an activity (working, being on social media, shopping) to a point where I cannot hear people around me much. My partner gets severe anxiety over calling me/my name out loud in public mulptiple times, and so it turns into a catch-22. I do not notice that I cannot hear my partner, and they cannot call me louder. I have been, for awhile, seeing this as a good habit- it helps me get things done fast, since I can focus very well. But I have been overlooking the downsides for too long, and not doing enough to moderate this subconscious habit of mine. It is damaging my relastionships, and I need to learn how to zoom in a bit less.

Gaming-wise, I have been pretty distracted this week, but I think it is not eating too much of my time. I still feel like I am being highly productive and staying on top of most of my deadlines. I do have urges to play games, but I understand too well at this point that gaming does not give me the satisfaction and joy my brain is craving. I need to work on the real world around me rather than getting lost in the virtual environments. 

My biggest worries:

  • Relationship with my partner continuing to be this frutrating and exhausting. We argue every day, and though our arguments resolve quickly and resolve well, it is not fun. I want us to get over it soon. I'm feeling nostlagic about our early stages a couple years ago, and how conflict-free they were. Not liking this ._.
  • Me reversing my progress on porn and social media that I have been lately (slowly) making. I am very tired of going in loops. I want to end these habitual patters.
  • Not doing proper resting. I still am pretty bad at finding moments for stillness and spirituality. Instead, I just tune into social media. No likey!
  • My summer projects concluding unfinished, cuz that's the way it is going at the moment 😞 

My biggest goodies:

  • I have been practicing more consistently and positively. Every practice session feels like a step in the right direction
  • My job is a bit more relaxed, and I feel like I am doing well at it. 
  • My partner suggested to move around furniture in my room, and though it was very exhausting, it made a huge improvement! It feels cozier, with less verticality and more sunlight.

Still feeling exhausted af but I did the deed at least~ 

Have a good day, kind reader!

Po

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Day 40!

Honestly, it seems odd that it only has been this much time since I have stopped gaming. I guess that a lot has happened in a short amount of time. However, I am glad I am not gaming. Yet, I should focus more on lessening my bad habits; I still have a lot. 

Journaling

I know that self-improvement can lead to a lack of satisfaction in myself and poor self-esteem. Yet, I also cannot deny that the bad habits I have are daunting me and impact my well-being. Reminder: I am not striving for perfection, I am striving for less unwanted negativity in my life.

Today there was a social incident, and I totally saw it coming, but did not prevent it since nobody besides me had that gut feeling. This was, perhaps, a herd mentality incident, but I still fell guilty. I do have the capacity to act right in a situation like this, but I did not trust myself enough. I need to believe my inner feelings because there is no way to test if I am right or wrong without doing what feels right. This ain't math, where I can easily check if my gut is giving me the right nudges; this is my identity vs everyone else. And that's okay, that noone sees what I see- because they aren't me. I need to remember that when it comes to more difficult, confusing situations, I need to trust myself, as long as in case I am wrong nothing is gonna explode.

Other than that, I have been having some struggles with staying motivated and focused this week due to gaming news all over the place. It has been very frustrating at first, but I am surprised and excited to be having it under control. Today I stayed focused when I needed to, besides a few times when I could have been doing something else, but did not have to. 

My biggest worries:

  • I just relapsed with porn again, and it is very frustrating. It is happening less and less frequently, but it is happening.
  • Not improving with my lack of body and mind awareness. I keep slipping and losing time because of this a lot, but I am not doing much work to stop it either 😕
  • Being too overwhelmed with all the work I have to do and preventing myself from getting things done right. I do have a lot on my plate, and I should make good decisions to empty my plate without spilling anything.

My biggest goodies:

  • I am doing pretty well as an employee! Got compliments here and there, feels nice.
  • Social improvements have been made. I am in a better place with my partner and with other folks in general, as well. 
  • I have started cooking on campus, yay! Hope to have enough time for this in the future

Other than that, it's been a slightly overwhelming day. I hope to continue improving on the things I see as problematic, and avoid failing the things I am doing well. \

Let's not lose my mind,

Po

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Day 42. Yesterday did not go well in some ways (and wonderful in others). Let's discuss, as a lot of things are on my mind.

First, I am likely not feeling well mentally, and trying to numb something with excessive social media usage that has been happening this week. I do not like it. In the morning, I spend quite a bit of my time checking twitter, and it gives me absolutely nothing- no connection, no meaningful news, no satisfaction. Can I not make myself happy? What is preventing myself from making better decisions? 

I will shedule a therapy session at my school right now. Done! But I also got distracted again for 3 minutes on social media. These distractions are becoming very regular. 

Another frustration is lack of motivation/effort for more rewarding tasks like exercising, art, or music. I am overfocusing on the "important" things, and they cause me stress, with which, in turn, I am not dealing properly with. I think I am stuck in a frustration loop at the moment. 

--- took about an hour to work ---

Ope and it's been a much better time! Honestly, I feel like I this is a better journal format: to keep this tab open all day and slowly add to it bit by bit. I've done a lot of small things here and there and now it's time for lunch. I still feel like I am putting off the larger projects, which is frustrating, but I am getting work done. After Lunch I will absolutely need to work on the larger things!

I hope to continue lessen my bad habits, bit by bit. I need to seek overall improvement, and watch out for triggers. I've heard that it is not very beneficial to rely on trigger preparedness/avoidance because often there is so many that you cannot control them all, but at the moment there are only two, and I feel like controlling them is possible. Let's try it out.

Po

 

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