Codepant's Journal

[codepants]

Still here, been journaling in my paper journal which has been nice.

I'll be getting a new supervisor at work which I'm super happy about, the last one made me want to quit. Just two more group meetings with him and then I'm FREEEEEEEEE

which is also how I felt when I broke up with lady friend, interestingly enough. That's going okay. She still tries to dump on me. I'm getting better at saying no, which really bothers her. She's still trying to find a therapist she likes. I hope she does. She deserves someone who listens. I just can't be that person for her anymore.

Bike part prototype V2 comes in the mail tomorrow!!!

Also, I applied for a job just for giggles. Turns out they only hire people who are fully licensed but they encouraged me to apply once I get my license. I printed out the exchange and taped it on my wall next to my monitor. Motivation to slug through my current job...

Did all my habits yesterday. Also bleached and died my hair. I had a pro do it last time but wanted to see if I could do it myself. It turned out an 8/10 I'd say, not bad for my first time. And hair grows, so I can always try again. It was a lot of work though, so I might just do streaks from now on.

More when there's more.

[codepants]

Woof, been a while. Still game-free by my rules (allowing games with friends in limited quantities, primarily Tabletop Simulator).

Bike part prototype -- now on version 4. Works great. I mean, fits great. The plastic version is obviously not load-bearing, so I haven't ridden on it. But I will order the steel version soon! Just have to decide which vendor -- one that speaks a little better English for $20 more, or one that's been kind of a pain to save $20. Both are based in China. To 3D print steel in the US is hella expensive.

Billed 21 hours last week! It was indeed that I just didn't have enough intakes. Which makes me even more upset with my supervisor. But, I am getting a new supervisor. It's still an old dude who is rather patriarchal but at least he listens, unlike my last one. I might be able to survive this job after all.

Also, I saw an ad for what is essentially my dream job, and applied. They can't hire me because I have a training license, but they were enthusiastic and encouraged me to apply once I'm licensed. So that's been motivating, too. I printed out the e-mail chain and put it on the wall behind my desk at home.

Oh, so I'll probably actually make money this month, for the first time since starting grad school 2 years ago.

Still looking for a place to move to escape the ex. We're okay, it's just normal roommate stuff. Mostly she leaves her stuff everywhere, and there's only one bathroom. All things considered it's actually not that bad, I've had WAY worse roommates. I did find one place that has storage on the ground floor (so I wouldn't have to carry my bike up the stairs) but they don't allow dogs above 55 lbs, and a fully grown male golden will be more like 70. I don't have a golden yet, but I want one soon. So, the hunt continues...

I'm on day 26 of game-free. I know I'm likely to have a breakdown around day 31 or 33. If I can make it one more week (to next Saturday) I'll be on day 33. So I just have to make it to next Sunday to break my record. Maybe I can make it to 90 this time.

Also, I had a sleep study and turns out I have sleep apnea. Because I'm actually busy at work now (...) I can't pick up the CPAP machine until next Friday, but with luck, I should be sleeping better than ever next weekend. I also started with a new psychiatrist and thus a new med which... well, too soon to tell. It certainly helps me fall asleep.

I've also exercised 9 of the past 10 days and eaten leafy greens 8 of the past 10 days. I've been reading more, too. I have dropped mindfulness, uke, and studying, so I want to try and pick those back up. Mindfulness first, I think, because I have been more anxious lately.

Also, someone matched me on Tinder. Finally. I know I'd have better luck if I wasn't polyamorous, as that scares a lot of people away (quick Google search: only 4-5% of the US is explicitly poly). But I want to match with people who like me for me. And now I have.

So, lots and lots of changes in just the past two weeks -- less than that.

Gotta go, roommate wants to use the office for her therapy, so I need to get the exercise bike ready.

[codepants]

Day 34 - a record if I keep it. I can feel myself getting pulled back towards gaming. I did check this morning of one of the mogul games I used to play has been updated. It's in pre-alpha and I've beat it as is, but once it updates... it will be hard not to binge.

Got the CPAP machine on Friday (it's actually an APAP machine). No difference in energy yet, but supposedly it takes awhile. I am waking up around 4 AM and removing it, not sure why, I'm too tired to think straight. But that's 6 hours with it on, so hopefully I can go all night at some point.

Ordered the metal 3D printed bike parts, so those should get here in a few weeks.

Also been working on 3D printing a "snorkel" for my motorcycle helmet that I use for bicycling, so the helmet doesn't fog up. V1 works, except the tubes (one on each side) are a little small, so by the time I get to work I'm suffocating a little. But I can see! Anyway, just ordered V2, which has bigger tubes, and the tubes are also angled down as the current one tends to angle itself down...

Found a place I like, just a question of whether the landlord will hold it for me or not. Last I heard he didn't have any other interest. It would be only a 15 minute ride to work as opposed to 45 minutes now. And the bikes would get a garage. And he'd let me get a dog if I want to. Really hoping it works out.

Still riding the high of having billed 21 hours two weeks ago! I billed only 20 last week due to no-shows and cancellations, and this week looks like it will be under 21 as well (23 scheduled, but assuming a 15% no-show rate...). But on average I am still billing more hours than I used to, and my no-show rate is less than it has been.

So, keepin' on keepin' on...

[Bugg]

Congrats on breaking your record, keep going! Good luck with the new place too, got my fingers crossed for ya 🙂 

[codepants]

Thank you, @Bugg.

So yea, day 37 today. I'm having an increasing number of moments where I have nothing to do and it's like... well, one, "I could literally do anything right now." And two, "Is this all there is?" I actually, unexpectedly, found a pretty satisfying article to answer that here. tl;dr... no. The answer is always no.

I think those moments can fuel creative outbursts, like... what have I not been doing? I have a whole life, so if I am bored, then there must be something I could be doing, that I am not doing. I think "is this all there is" is the adaptation part of hedonic adaptation. It's the part right before your baseline decreases. "Is this all there is" is akin to "where did all my dopamine go" for depressed gamers, I think. So, it's a good thing.

I think it's also a sign of intelligence, but I won't get on my soap box for that one.

I did sleep the whole night with my APAP mask on last night. I slept like shit. Woke up at least 5 times, maybe more like 10. Still can't figure out how to sleep on my side without it leaking. I am sleeping more on my back. Took a nap at work today. Also on Monday, took a 3 hour nap. And still sleeping 8-9 hours a night. So one day... one day I will wake up feeling rested. Right, APAP? RIGHT? RIGHT?? (AKA, "is this all the awake I will ever feel?")

Looking like that housing situation will work out. I'll visit this weekend. Current landlord says someone might want our apartment March 1, instead of us giving the otherwise-required 60 days' notice. So, that means less than a month (and a 28 day month) of living with my ex. It has been getting worse. She keeps reminding me she wants to move out "as soon as possible." Can we go over who gets what... as soon as possible? Can you e-mail our landlord... as soon as possible? Like, f*ck, I'm eager too, but no need to pour salt in the wound. Last time I move in with someone who doesn't make me laugh.

Anyway... just keepin on keepin on. Same old.

[codepants]

Roommate/ex-lady friend started packing tonight. It's... like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders.

I still have to find a place. Was going to visit two today but one cancelled and without a car, it makes more sense to do them both at once. So, tomorrow it is. New folks who might want our apartment a month early will also be visiting tomorrow. So, lots of... preparation for change.

Can't recall if I shared that I "started" a meal plan last week. I'm definitely not adhering to all the rules but I did want to start eating better. I can cook, I've just never bought a week's worth of "good" groceries, so I figure... someone else can do the planning and I'll just do the buying and the cooking. So, today I'm making a soup. I've never made a soup before. I'm a little excited and a little nervous. I've never been a fan of soup. It's just so... inconvenient? But, maybe this will change.

Still sleeping like a rock—9 hours a night plus 1-3 hour naps. Something is wrong. Either the APAP hasn't kicked in or the med I'm on is killing me. Med check on Monday. So hopefully that will help. I might just cut back on all my meds for a while, try and get my bearings on what's doing what.

Going to try and get back into uke and meditation today too. And not watch so much TV. It's well past time for me to cut back on TV and stop using it as a crutch. Though I know I need to have self-compassion, too... a lot is changing for me right now, and maybe it's okay to have a little crutch. But once I get settled in to my new place—wherever that will be—no more crutches. So, gotta start metaphorical PT now.

Day 40 and counting.

[codepants]

Hello again GQ community,

Things have been bad, but trending better. They've just been bad because the same reasons as always: I live with my ex, it's the pandemic, my job is so-so.

Things have been trending better because I've been leaning on my friends a little more, I applied for something like my dream job and the second interview is tomorrow, I have a place to live, and work is a bit better. Still only billing about 20 hours a week but my supervisor isn't awful.

My ex moves out next Thursday (not this Thursday) and I move out the Saturday after. Things are so up and down between us... the littlest things set her off, so I've mostly been ignoring her, but sometimes that makes her angry, too. But sometimes being cordial makes her angry, so... just doing the best I can and waiting it out. Less than two weeks to go.

If I get this job I will have to move again right away, so that's unfortunate. A friend of mine told me that you know you're an adult when you pay for movers instead of having your friends help... guess I'll be an adult twice over. But hopefully since I'm moving back to Madison, people will help on that end. And if I get this job I will make more than twice as much as I'm making now, so it'll be worth the cost.

Tried Concerta the other day for anxiety. It's made to treat ADHD but my psychiatrist and I are wondering if I have underlying ADHD which causes the anxiety (hyperactive thoughts = capacity to worry about everything). Unfortunately it jacked up my tinnitus and made my ears hurt so I can't bring myself to take it again. Never hearing silence is bad enough; I don't want to damage my hearing further. We might try Vyvance; I've tried Adderall before and I know that doesn't work.

In other goodish news, I did trade a few messages with a woman on a dating site. Then it fizzled; pretty sure she's lost interest. But it's still a tiny self-esteem boost. I haven't gotten past the first message with anyone in more than a year.

Also, came in below the poverty line on my taxes, so I get a bunch back... 🎉

On games—I think I'm in a pretty healthy place. I definitely relapsed when Anno 1800 was on sale, at day 48. Played about 20 hours in 2 weeks. Since then (about three weeks ago) things have been back to normal. I play with friends and I play casually. I haven't played by myself more than maybe two hours in a day, and most days I don't play. I don't crave it. I do feel something is missing in my life, like I need some sort of stimulation... it's hard because it's the pandemic, so yea, duh. I haven't been to a coffee shop in over a year, nor to a dojo, nor a spin class... a lot of things are missing my life. But at least for right now I don't crave games to fill that gap.

I have been watching TV nearly every day. I watched Raya and the Last Dragon 3 times over the last weekend. It's really good. 🙂 But in a way, TV has replaced video games, so I think it's time to cut back. Even if that means lying on the couch doing nothing, at least my dopamine will be regulated. And I know that staring at a screen less helps with my headaches.

[Jason70]

6 hours ago, codepants said:

Things have been bad, but trending better. They've just been bad because the same reasons as always: I live with my ex, it's the pandemic, my job is so-so.

Sorry about having to live with your ex, that must be painful. I hope the move goes well and that you'll be able to get your dream job! 

6 hours ago, codepants said:

In other goodish news, I did trade a few messages with a woman on a dating site. Then it fizzled; pretty sure she's lost interest. But it's still a tiny self-esteem boost. I haven't gotten past the first message with anyone in more than a year.

Also, came in below the poverty line on my taxes, so I get a bunch back... 🎉

That's good to hear! Congratulations on getting money back. I wish you luck on finding a woman. 

6 hours ago, codepants said:

I do feel something is missing in my life, like I need some sort of stimulation... it's hard because it's the pandemic, so yea, duh. I haven't been to a coffee shop in over a year, nor to a dojo, nor a spin class... a lot of things are missing my life. But at least for right now I don't crave games to fill that gap.

Yeah I feel that too. This happened to me today when I was watching (youtube..... again lol). The circumstances right now are so hard on everyone that I think there is something that drives us to consumption. It's like "Hey we aren't able to go outside and do things, well lets watch Netflix," in which turns into 5 hours. I believe that before covid people, (non-gamers) were so used to the wake up, go to work, do a hobby after time frame that now since that's gone we are making excuses to be lazy, as we are not actually getting up and going somewhere. So I totally understand the need of stimulation/feeling of emptiness. Especially since as gamers we crave that like crazy. I realized when watching youtube, I was like "I really miss that," it was in reference to being at a Baseball stadium and watching a game. What came to me at first was disappointment that I can't go see a sports game live, but then came a revelation. Although we can't do some of the things we were able to do pre-covid, we are now able to do so many things we probably didn't have time for. Like maybe reading, or riding a bike (weather is getting warmer) or photography. All of these might seem small to you at first but if you do them consistently, it might fill that feeling that something is missing. Anything can inspire you, or become your passion even if you think you might not like it.

 

6 hours ago, codepants said:

I watched Raya and the Last Dragon 3 times over the last weekend. It's really good.

I want to see this too, however, last time I checked it said I needed a premium subscription, which I don't have, I will most likely check back this weekend as well.

 

Best 

Jason

[codepants]

Thanks, Jason.

On 3/8/2021 at 4:30 PM, Jason70 said:

I want to see this too, however, last time I checked it said I needed a premium subscription, which I don't have, I will most likely check back this weekend as well.

You could get a premium subscription... or you could use a website like tinyzonetv.to.

- - -

One week left in my current city. I will have lived here 11 months by the time I move. I went back to my 2nd hometown yesterday to drop off my car. Did I mention I own a car now? For me, that's weird. I made it to 31 without owning one. But if there is a reason for me to own a car, it's for this job. Adventure therapist! Something like my dream job.

It was good to be back. A little surreal, and I was having some racing thoughts. What else is new. I met my new roommate who I could tell was a little anxious which didn't help. I assume once we get to know each other he'll chill a little. He seems cool. I'm not a fan of having two TVs in the living room, one of which must be 5' across, but historically I spend most of my time in my room anyway.

I am trying to get back into meditation and journaling (hence posting an update). I'm still being pretty forgiving on myself until I move. Every day I think, "man, I really want to read a book," but I don't have a library card, and what's the point when you move in a week? Yes, these are totally just excuses... and I won't be able to make them anymore a week from today. I've watched all two seasons of Gravity Falls in the past three weeks. Which I can forgive. But I know that watching lots of TV contributes to the racing thoughts, too.

Last week I said goodbye to a few of my every-other-week clients. Some clients have just stopped coming, which happens. Goodbyes are hard. I had one client schedule an additional appointment this week. And this week will be all the remaining goodbyes. I try to remember that I'm not the only one who can help. As much as I like to think I am special, there are always other professionals. For most of my clients it's pretty easy. I know they'll be okay. But there are two in particular that I have grown close to. I really wish there was some way I could keep seeing them. But, ethics. And ambiguity... they are significantly younger than me and being friends would be weird. I guess a beautiful thing about this profession is it provides a safe structure to build those relationships in the first place. It's just sad when they come to an end.

I don't recall if I wrote about this here before, but I have been considering reaching out to one of my exes who lives back in the place I am moving to. I've already explained the situation to a few of my friends and I don't want to re-explain it here, but it felt important to mention for some reason. I've drafted and gone over a letter to her a few times... I don't have any expectations about what might happen, but if sending it might help me move on, maybe it's worth sending either way. Or maybe it's best to leave the past in the past, and manage these emotions without involving her. I guess we'll see.

[codepants]

Moved, and mostly settled in. I have 4 clients this week, and a full caseload for this position is 10-15. So already I'm so much better off than in my previous job. There's a lot of driving, too, which is relaxing.

Right now I just feel so jacked up... I woke up at 6 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. Right now I have no reason to get up before 8. So, figured I'd journal, meditate, try and make the most of it... but the brain fog is real. And the tinnitus. It's like my brain is trying to push something out, and exerting all its energy doing so, and whatever it is is a square peg trying to go through a round hole. Stop it, brain. I'm so tired of this.

My psychiatrist and I finally settled on Straterra, which is a non-stimulant medication for ADHD. She also had me do this thing called Genesight which is sort of like ancestry.com but for drug interactions. Turns out I'm an "ultrarapid metabolizer" of most psychiatric medications, which means I get all the worst side effects and almost none of the benefit. Which explains so much... I wish I'd known that before I started wellbutrin and gave myself f***ing tinnitus.

I had a date last week! My first first date in 18 months... it went well, I think? She said she had fun. For me it was just nice to talk to someone new. I definitely dig her emotional style. I have no idea if there will be a second date or not... I think I forgot how to flirt. I also just stopped trying to read people at some point. They can be so deceptive, especially when it comes to dating. Which I get! I get it. A lot of men, if you don't act like you like them, they become assholes. It just leaves us non-assholes wondering all the time if you actually like us or if you're just pretending. So anyway, just trying to take it at face value and not having any expectations. I went on a date.

Just wish this tinnitus would stop. Which I know, I know, the best way to get it to stop is to stop thinking about it. It's so ironic, in a dumb way.

Anywho, so I've journaled today, maybe I'll go make a proper breakfast. All the self-care.

[codepants]

I am likely going to move to another forum, but it felt wrong to leave without posting a goodbye. I never really stayed long enough to develop a consistent following, so maybe the goodbye is more for me than for anybody else.

I haven't stopped playing video games completely, but I have definitely reached what I would call a healthy level of engagement. I think I've played 3 hours in the past week? Two with friends, as part of a bi-weekly thing, and one by myself. I can definitely see gaming for what it is now—an escape—and sometimes escapes are nice. They can be healthy if used right. But usually I just open Steam and stare at it. I think about playing this game or that game but I know as soon as I'll open it, I'll get bored. They don't fill the same niche they used to. Perhaps this is reflective of growth of some kind... like on a subconscious level I need more than games now. I hope that doesn't come across as high and mighty.

Sometimes I think about buying a new game. But they are all the same, in the end, aren't they? Gather resources, survive, get big, kill the bad guy(s)... and then what? It's the same thing, over and over and over again... at some point, you've gathered all the resources, built all the things... there might be a new mechanic to figure out, but then what?

On a personal level I've become much more sensitive to violence. I don't see the point. I've never been into stuff like Saw but now it's just any killing at all. My roommate watches the typical blockbuster good-guy-kills-everyone and I'm like... why? The games we play and movies we watch are so violent... shouldn't we be working together? Building something together? Instead of fighting against each other?

Dating has been so-so. A lot of first dates, no so many second dates. A lot of good second dates and things seem promising, and then, "I'm not ready to date again after my last breakup," or, "Let's take it slow," and then I get ghosted. It's funny, I think I'm bored of dating for the same reason I'm bored of gaming: it all feels the same. The same pattern, the same result. At one point I was given the advice to enjoy the process of dating and focus less on the result. Make dates fun—play board games, go dancing, just do fun things. That has helped. No more second dates than before, but at least it's not "and what do you do for work" over and over again. I'm still convinced I'm going to die alone, but everybody dies alone.

Work is good. It keeps me occupied. It's fulfilling, often. Often I am annoyed by my clients, but I think, in terms of personal growth, that's a good thing. I've spent a lot of my life accommodating others. Not being angry because if a man is angry, that's "toxic." Well, I'm trying to create a place for anger in my life. I believe there are times when it can be adaptive and healthy. I'm trying to create a space for me to advocate for myself. And part of that is letting myself be angry, annoyed, upset, etc. It shouldn't be the default response, it shouldn't overwhelm other emotions, but we've been evolving for millions of years and anger is still here... seems like there must be some reason for that? (cue someone saying, "but why do we have appendixes?")

Anyways, that's all I've got for now. I don't know if I'll be back. But I think of this forum from time to time, and I'm glad that it helped me when I needed it. I hope you all are doing well, and getting the help you need.