Kam's Journal

[Kam]

Hey all,

Today starts day one of no gaming. My introduction can be found here:

 

I've started the morning off well - I woke up early, got a quick workout in, and now I'm starting this journal. My gaming PC and Switch are tucked away inside a cabinet in the basement. Last night after I wrote my introduction, I also wrote a letter to myself and placed it on top of my gaming PC. I'm hoping that the letter will help prevent me from relapsing.

I don't have any urges to game right now, but all it takes is one stressful day at work and I know I'll be itching to install games on my iPad.

If anyone reading this and looking for a fiction book recommendation, I read the His Dark Materials trilogy earlier this year. The first book is called The Golden Compass. I highly recommend the series! The author is currently writing the final book of a follow-up trilogy. I'm thinking about picking up the first two books in the new trilogy this week, as recently I've been trying to read some fairly dry non-fiction, and I don't consider that to be relaxing.

Thanks for reading. I wish everyone the best of luck.

[BooksandTrees]

Welcome to the forums. I think you're in the right place. Keep motivated by finding new activities to try. Urges can be solved by so many different options. The real learning process will be discovering these urges and triggers along the way and how to solve them. Be patient. But be assertive with yourself. 

[Kam]

Thanks for the feedback!

Day 2 of no gaming is going well.

Of course, a friend I haven't talked to in a while reached out and wanted to play a game together online. I found an excuse to decline. I'll definitely miss the social aspects of gaming.

I also picked up a book I had been putting off reading for a while. I used to strive for reading 10-15 pages a day at a minimum to keep up the pace of reading a certain number of books a year.

 

[Kam]

Day 3 (yesterday) was a success. Work kept me busy!

Day 4 going well so far. Worked on some personal coding in the morning, and getting outside for the rest of the day. No strong urges to game.

[Kam]

Day 5 (Sunday) and Day 6 (Monday) both went smoothly. No strong urges so far, but I know they'll come soon.

Along with writing in this journal, another is avoiding gaming videos on YouTube. I've managed to replace that idle time with other activities, mainly reading.

Today is Day 7. Almost done with a full week!

[Kam]

Yesterday went okay. I had my first strong gaming urges since I quit a week ago. The good news is, I discovered a trigger: drinking. I had a beer in the evening after finishing up with work and I felt the pull into the old routine of grabbing a beer and hopping on Rocket League (a common pattern for me after the wife and kid are sleeping)

I managed to curb it off and occupied my time with something more productive and creative.

Day 8 going well so far!

 

[Kam]

I had a dream last night that I was playing video games. Interestingly enough, the dream-version of myself was disappointed that I had relapsed. I was relieved to wake up 😀.

Day 8 in the bag, and Day 9 going alright. I've been getting a lot more exercise and doing other healthy habits during this time, so I feel focused and alert. 

[TheNewMe2.0]

Good job keeping off the games. You're making progress.

[Kam]

Day 10 complete. Hope everyone has a good weekend 😀

[BooksandTrees]

52 minutes ago, Kam said:

Day 10 complete. Hope everyone has a good weekend 😀

Nice job! Keep it up. What are your plans for the weekend?

[Kam]

Thanks @BooksandTrees! Nothing major planned. Weather has been pretty crappy so likely staying indoors most of the weekend. I'm currently working on a side project, and plan to read more of a new book I picked up - Flash Boys.

How about you?

[BooksandTrees]

6 minutes ago, Kam said:

Thanks @BooksandTrees! Nothing major planned. Weather has been pretty crappy so likely staying indoors most of the weekend. I'm currently working on a side project, and plan to read more of a new book I picked up - Flash Boys.

How about you?

Nice. Watching sports, studying, some exercise, meal prepping, and a movie. 

[C_tail]

Good luck, and gratz on your 10 days!

[Kam]

Day 11 complete, Day 12 going alright. It's a Sunday afternoon and everyone in the house is napping except me. I was going to try to be productive during this time. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have urges to game right now 😅

Going to just put it out of my mind and do something slightly less productive than working, but way better than gaming: reading a book.

[Kam]

Day 13 done!

I have certain friends and coworkers who I relate to via gaming. Most of our conversations are about games. I haven’t told anyone that I’ve stopped playing, either. I’ll need to find new topics to talk about with them. Otherwise, talking about games will pull me back towards them.

[Kam]

Day 14 (Sept 1st) done. Already passed two weeks!

I'm not sure what my long-term goal is with this. Gaming wasn't debilitating for me, it was just a serious time waster when I played games that made me angry or stressed. I'd like to return to gaming at some point, but I would need to either avoid competitive games entirely or figure out a better way to manage my emotions while playing them. Easier said than done. I also want to get to the point where I enjoy other hobbies just as much as gaming, if not more. That way, I don't automatically default to gaming when I have spare time. I want gaming to be a way to relax only when I need to relax.

I'm apprehensive about returning to gaming any time soon, though. I think 90 days is a good objective, and I think I've seen that recommended on this site somewhere.

The past two weeks have been noticeably different. I've read more, practiced creative hobbies more, and have been more focused. The only downside so far is that I still haven't found a way to relax effectively. I've felt tense, especially when work and home life are busy (which they usually are). The pros definitely outweigh that con.

[BooksandTrees]

Congrats on 14 days. As long as you're seeing some life improvement then you're on the right track with goals. 

[Kam]

✅ Day 15 (Sept 2nd)

Thanks @BooksandTrees. Yeah, definitely seeing improvement. I'm progressing further in the areas I want to grow in

[Kam]

I relapsed on September 4th. I figured that posting on GameQuitters for two weeks helped me get my gaming habits in check. If I can easily go without gaming for two weeks, then I should be able to only game for a little bit each night and avoid competitive games, right?

Wrong. I lied to myself again. I gradually went right back to staying up all night playing competitive games. Tonight was a low point for me. I played the two games I said I would avoid but I always gravitate back to. I got furious over losing, had a meltdown, and then tossed all my gaming stuff back into the drawer.

I can't control myself and it's extremely frustrating to me. I still don't understand why I can't casually game. If I could just not play competitive games, I think I would be alright, but somehow I always end back up in the same shitty position.

Until I figure that out, I need to stay away from gaming entirely.

Today (September 16th) starts Day 1.

Edited September 16, 2020 by Kam

[Kam]

Almost five years later, restarting this journal and committing to the 90 day detox.

A lot has changed - I now have three kids, I got the promotion I had been aiming for for years, life is going well in general. But the constant problem in my life has always been video games. I've hit a new low and I recognize I need to stop gaming in order to be truly happy.

After reading Cam's posts, I realize that I strongly resonate with the four needs that gaming fills: temporary escape, social, constant growth, and challenge/sense of purpose. I also have zero personal hobbies outside of gaming. Whenever I get a break, which is usually around 9pm after the house goes to bed, gaming is the only hobby I turn toward.

I'd like to still game in moderation in the future. I like Cam's approach of committing to at least 90 days before making any sort of decisions about gaming again. I haven't gone 90 days without playing a video game since probably elementary school. Definitely never in middle school, high school, college, or in my career.

I'm reading through Respawn now. Tonight, I'm going to uninstall all my games and pack away my gaming PC, Steam Deck, and Quest 3 in the basement

[Kam]

Day 2/90 update:

• Uninstalled all games from my PC, Steam Deck, and phone. Everything is unplugged and I'm packing them away tonight.
• Set a countdown timer for reaching 90 days
• Read through the first few chapters of Respawn

My main focus tonight is going to be finding replacement activities. I'm mindful of the trap I've fallen in before - I abstain from gaming, then fill gaming time in with only productive habits, like exercise, working on side projects, etc. Then, I get bored and burnt out, and I turn back to gaming. This time, I need to find fun hobbies that are not gaming that fills the four needs mentioned in Respawn.

[Kam]

Day 3/90 update:

• Packed away all gaming devices in the basement
• Read until Chapter 5 of Respawn
• Came up with a list of activities to do instead of gaming. It was much more uncomfortable making this list than I thought it'd be, especially the social list
• Started pivoting conversations with one of my best friends from gaming to reading

I'm still feeling confident in the detox, but I am starting to feel the boredom/lack of excitement kick in. I got a lot of energy and excitement from tracking new video game releases. There's a few that I was really looking forward to in early 2025, and I feel a bit sad that I'm going to miss out on them. But everything has a price, and I'm willing to pay that price to get my habits back under control.

[Kam]

Day 4/90 update:

• Started reading a LOT more
• Starting to feel an interest in some of my old hobbies (most notably, piano and gym)
• 100% feeling the pull toward gaming because of boredom. It's fairly strong, but manageable. I know that it's just the unreasonable amount of dopamine spikes that gaming provides that's making me feel this way. Reading doesn't produce the same stimulus, and that's a good thing. I just need to balance out and then it will be more fun again.

I'm being careful not to lean too hard into productiveness early on so I avoid burnout. I'm not forcing myself to work on side projects, or spend the open time exercising. I'm first trying to replace some gaming time with relaxing hobbies

[Kam]

Day 5/90 update:

• I've seen a steep decline in other bad habits that I track. I didn't set out to lower those (intentionally, as to lower risk of burnout/relapse). It's nice to see empirical evidence that gaming was associated with those other habits. Or, it's possible my focus on personal growth reduced those as a byproduct. Either way, it's a win
• I finished a book yesterday! Then I ordered the next in the series. I'm starting to enjoy reading again, and I'm able to actually focus long enough to read. Usually I start to zone out after a few pages.
• I've noticed I'm starting to get moodier. I snapped a little at my son earlier this morning over something as trivial as cleaning. I recognized it and apologized for being cranky shortly after. I was also up multiple times with my 1 y/o daughter, so it may not have been due to lack of gaming, but I'm sure it was a factor. I haven't felt fully relaxed since starting the detox.

I used to do what I called "mindful gaming", which was: set a goal stop time, set an alarm for the goal, set periodic alarms to get up and stretch, and then stop at the right time. After doing that, I would typically feel fully relaxed. The obvious problem, and the reason I'm doing the detox, is because I stopped consistently adhering to the end goal.

But, after doing that, I would feel truly relaxed.

I haven't been able to reproduce that feeling with anything. It may come with time, but it worries me. Even when I'm reading, or playing piano, or just relaxing on the couch with my family, I still feel wound up.

Something for me to keep thinking on.

[Kam]

Day 6/90 update:

• I'm already 1/5 of the way through a new book. That's unheard of from me. I typically read 2-3 books a year, and if I keep pace and interest, I'll finish this book within a week. I also tend to accelerate reading the further I get into a book (it takes a while for me to latch onto it).
• I spent 20-30 minutes practicing piano. It's fun playing around kids - they'll hop on and bang on the piano for a little bit, and then meander and go do something else nearby, still listening. What sucks is effectively starting over, skill-wise. I can't play any of the old stuff I used to be able to play. But, what took me 3 months to learn in the past, should only take me 1 or 2 months to re-learn now.
• Through some combination of sleeping better, reading more, exercising more, and not playing games, I'm able to focus on things longer. Which feels really nice.

The boredom has subsided a bit. I'm enjoying my book a lot. And I'm excited to hit 1 week tomorrow!