Kam's Journal

[Kam]

Day 30/31: I've been sick for past two days, today is pretty bleh too. But still no gaming. Hit 1/3 of the way through detox, yahoo!

[Kam]

Day 32/33/34: Still sick. The flu is tenacious. No gaming, no strong urges (surprisingly). I'm starting to go full days at a time without thinking about the detox. I used to think about it like every hour. So that's really positive!

[Kam]

Day 35: busy, but still making time for this journal. all is well.

[Kam]

Day 36: man I cannot wait to be halfway done with the detox. Reading going well, piano going well. Had a dream that I broke my detox and woke up sad 😆. Boredom is starting to set in again. I know that I need one more physical hobby to replace gaming, but I'm struggling to find the right thing.

[Kam]

Day 37: more of the same. Piano habit going well, reading habit going well, life is busy but I'm keeping up with it. 

[Kam]

Day 38: swinging back to a game-craving mode. miss looking forward to friday night gaming sessions tbh. but I don't miss  feeling tired all weekend bc I slept like shit, and having an unproductive monday bc i can't focus on any real work. so I'm fully convinced the tradeoff is worth it. but it's been 38 days and I still yearn for it 😭. anyways..

[Kam]

Day 39/40/41/42:

- busy/fun weekend. all going well!

[Kam]

Day 43: A lot going on with work that's causing work stress. Stayed up last night working with a glass of whiskey, then up in the middle of the night with sick kids, so I'm particularly susceptible to bad habits today. To fix this, I'm drinking some coffee and going to do a cold shower before starting work. And then tonight after kids bedtime, take another warm shower and relax with a book and some tea.

[Kam]

Day 50: woohoo, nice round number.

I have a lot of friends now sparking up conversations about playing games together. It's going to be tough to make it 40 more days but I'm just deferring those conversations ("oh yeah that sounds great, it's real busy at work though! maybe when it slows down").

Plus a lot of new game releases are nagging at me. Monster Hunter Wilds being the big one. Before the detox I would have 100% taken off work Friday to play it, then binged it all night. Now, I'll have a productive Friday, I'll sleep well that night, and I'll have a great Saturday with the kids. It's simply just a better life.

Finished my last book and started reading a new one. It's a much more difficult read but because I've built the habit and I can focus much better, I'm already a decent way into it and love it.

[Yan]

8 hours ago, Kam said:

Day 50: woohoo, nice round number.

I have a lot of friends now sparking up conversations about playing games together. It's going to be tough to make it 40 more days but I'm just deferring those conversations ("oh yeah that sounds great, it's real busy at work though! maybe when it slows down").

Plus a lot of new game releases are nagging at me. Monster Hunter Wilds being the big one. Before the detox I would have 100% taken off work Friday to play it, then binged it all night. Now, I'll have a productive Friday, I'll sleep well that night, and I'll have a great Saturday with the kids. It's simply just a better life.

Finished my last book and started reading a new one. It's a much more difficult read but because I've built the habit and I can focus much better, I'm already a decent way into it and love it.

Hi Kam, was the forum down for you too the last 5 days? Also what book did you finish reading? Which are you reading now?

As David Goggins says: "Stay hard"

[Kam]

Yeah, I couldn't access the forum ether.

I just finished Project Hail Mary, and I've started Blood Meridian. Project Hail Mary is a fun, light-hearted read and is great for anyone interested in science. Blood Meridian is... grim. Same author who wrote No Country for Old Men.

Day 51 is going okay. Because I'm over halfway, I catch myself rationalizing that it's okay to stop the detox at any point because I've made it really far. But then the smart part of my brain says "no, you committed to 90, do 90 and then decide". Just taking it day by day at this point

[Yan]

7 hours ago, Kam said:

"no, you committed to 90, do 90 and then decide"

I agree. Stay vigilant to these sneaky lizard brain thoughts as you already are 🙂

[Kam]

😄 for real. Day 52 in the bag. Day by day

[Kam]

Day 53. I'm having a really hard time staying disconnected to gaming news right now because one of my favorite series (Monster Hunter) just got a new game. The FOMO is real. But that game in particular is incredibly addicting for me and it's an endless gameplay loop. If I relapse and get it, I will get sucked back in badly. I'm not confident that I've figured out my triggers and how to effectively deal with stress without gaming.

I'm glad this journal exists because if I weren't writing about this detox every day, I would have relapsed on this game launch. This journal is enough for me to stop, think, and recognize what an awful mistake getting that game would be.

One day at a time!

[Kam]

Day 55. 35 days til detox done. I am teetering real close to breaking the detox, to be honest.

So, as an exercise, I'll write out how I expect things will play out if I break the detox:

• I'll set a schedule and time commitments for gaming. I'll use timers to both set an end time, and to set regular breaks to stretch my legs. The benefit is that I have something fun to look forward to during the week, and I'll have a signal as to when things are going wrong (e.g. gaming on off days, gaming outside time commitments).
• That schedule will go well for a month or two
• I'll encounter stress in my life, e.g. work or family. I'll excuse myself to gaming on off-days to help "relieve stress".
• I'll start to lose focus on other things. I'll think about gaming the majority of time. The quality of my work, relationships, etc. will all slowly deteriorate. I'll be less present in conversations.
• I'll start to lose sleep. Poor sleep negatively impacts just about every area of my life.
• I will teeter on this for a few months.
• I'll hit some breaking point, where I am so exhausted and fed up with myself that I will declare "that's it! I cannot have a healthy relationship with gaming. I need to take a long break"
• I will revisit this journal.

I wish I knew the secret to just... stopping at the second bullet point. I am hopeful that a long detox will embed in my brain positive memories and habits that aren't gaming, so that I don't have to abstain fully from it but I don't rely on it either.

I'm glad I wrote here - that's enough fuel for me to keep going on the detox.

Edited March 3 by Kam

[Yan]

9 hours ago, Kam said:

Day 55. 35 days til detox done. I am teetering real close to breaking the detox, to be honest.

So, as an exercise, I'll write out how I expect things will play out if I break the detox:

• I'll set a schedule and time commitments for gaming. I'll use timers to both set an end time, and to set regular breaks to stretch my legs. The benefit is that I have something fun to look forward to during the week, and I'll have a signal as to when things are going wrong (e.g. gaming on off days, gaming outside time commitments).
• That schedule will go well for a month or two
• I'll encounter stress in my life, e.g. work or family. I'll excuse myself to gaming on off-days to help "relieve stress".
• I'll start to lose focus on other things. I'll think about gaming the majority of time. The quality of my work, relationships, etc. will all slowly deteriorate. I'll be less present in conversations.
• I'll start to lose sleep. Poor sleep negatively impacts just about every area of my life.
• I will teeter on this for a few months.
• I'll hit some breaking point, where I am so exhausted and fed up with myself that I will declare "that's it! I cannot have a healthy relationship with gaming. I need to take a long break"
• I will revisit this journal.

I wish I knew the secret to just... stopping at the second bullet point. I am hopeful that a long detox will embed in my brain positive memories and habits that aren't gaming, so that I don't have to abstain fully from it but I don't rely on it either.

I'm glad I wrote here - that's enough fuel for me to keep going on the detox.

Nice job! Now try writing out what you will get in terms of your long term goals if you keep working on those instead of every minute you'd do gaming. How that will slowly and gradually bring you there, bit by bit in relation to how you feel when gaming [because this is the real life and not some pumped up artificial sh** that was made by people to get you addicted quickly) but, in leaps and bounds in comparison to the progress people who game do in the direction of their goals. [which is getting close to 0]

"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it" - Quote from Sober Time app.
"What is it you said to the kid? It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward." -Rocky Balboa, Rockie Balboa Movie

Edited March 4 by Yan
adjusted rocky quote where i made a small mistake

[Yan]

Video of the part in Rocky 

 

[Kam]

Thank you Yan! That helps a lot.

Day 56: Last night, I came the closest to breaking the detox as I have been. The only thing that stopped me was that it was 11pm, I was tired, and all of my gaming stuff was packed away and all games were uninstalled. I knew that even if I did want to break the detox, I wouldn't be able to download the games I wanted to play in time. So, I left it alone and went to bed.

I am recommitting to exercise as being the ultimate form of de-stressing and I am going to go all-in on building that habit. Rather than trying to keep finding other things that are lower barrier to entry but more fun. If I can build a strong gym habit, I think a lot of these problems I'm currently having will go away. Plus there's just so many other benefits to exercise.

Edited March 4 by Kam

[Yan]

9 hours ago, Kam said:

Thank you Yan! That helps a lot.

Day 56: Last night, I came the closest to breaking the detox as I have been. The only thing that stopped me was that it was 11pm, I was tired, and all of my gaming stuff was packed away and all games were uninstalled. I knew that even if I did want to break the detox, I wouldn't be able to download the games I wanted to play in time. So, I left it alone and went to bed.

I am recommitting to exercise as being the ultimate form of de-stressing and I am going to go all-in on building that habit. Rather than trying to keep finding other things that are lower barrier to entry but more fun. If I can build a strong gym habit, I think a lot of these problems I'm currently having will go away. Plus there's just so many other benefits to exercise.

Kam, I'm raising the red flag. You must watch your thoughts. Every time a gaming urge arises, just calmly replace it with a vision of how you will play a short while and then regret it again. Simultaneously understand that as you feel now - Not regretting the struggle you're passing through, is the feeling you'll be craving when you game. Trust me I know from my 5 day binge after 3 years of no touching gaming. I thought I was going to achieve some high influence leadership role in the game and have power and influence. But when I was presented with the opportunity, which meant I'd have to commit two more weeks to gaming, I simply didn't see myself doing that. I am acting in alignment with my purpose. It's not easy, but that's what I'm here on earth for. I think it is similar for you. You will feel useless after one-two-three days of gaming and return to the same state you're in now, just that the day count will be reset and the momentum will need to be re-started.

If you really want to go through it, that's your choice. But at least reach the 90 day mark.

And again, pay attention every time ou think of gaming. Don't judge yourself, but calmly replace it with another activity.
Also, put a block on the gaming websites, because watching those or youtube is what may trigger you and start the momentum for gaming. I use uBlock origin to do that.

It's not too late yet, you've got jut 34 days left. If you need get some other low effort activity like duolingo or chess for a little while ( not to be addicted t either. But devert yourself a little to clean your brain from the toxic visions that have been coming to you

[Yan]

Visualize your other, long term true human satisfying needs goals in your mind and how they happen, for just a few more weeks, every time you catch yourself thinking of the toxic, unfulfilling gaming activity. (Again don't judge yourself, it's natural to have these thoughts, just calmly replace them) You're already 10 days past half your way, that's already an achievement, and every single day more is also an achievement! I believe in you and want to hear your report tomorrow on installing uBlock origin 🙂

Edited March 5 by Yan
Rephrasing

[Kam]

Thanks Yan! Yeah, I went on a long run yesterday to start re-committing to exercise, and I felt so much better last night. No gaming urges. It's 90% linked to stress for me, the detox has helped me realize it. Exercise helps melt that stress away.

I think exercise is the right replacement activity that I need, I just have to build habits around it. Fortunately the weather is getting better where I live so it's easier to get outside and run.

Day 57 in the bag so far. Feeling good. What's nice is that I have some vacation coming up, then going to be busy with some light house contracting work going on, so once I pass next Friday in the detox, it will basically finish out!

[Kam]

Day 58: all good in the neighborhood

[Kam]

Day 59: did a few miles on the treadmill yesterday! just walking during zoom meetings, or later that night I walked and watched a show on my iPad. felt so much better once I was done.

[Yan]

On 3/5/2025 at 9:00 PM, Kam said:

I think exercise is the right replacement activity that I need, I just have to build habits around it. Fortunately the weather is getting better where I live so it's easier to get outside and run.

Nicely done! However, allowing your mood to be positive because of the weather or dictating whether you'll go for a run or not may be problematic, because you're connecting your mood with something that is not under your control.

Consider reframing weather not as good or bad, it just is. What is good or bad is whether you went out on a run or not 🙂
More on that in the book that had quite an impact on me - The Little Book of Stoicism by Jonas Salzgeber 

[Kam]

Ha! I get your point, but I also don't think there's anything wrong with feeling gratitude about nice weather. I know from experience that the rainy days are important because they make the sunny days feel great. It's easy to overthink stuff like that, and might be important for someone who doesn't have a stable foundation, but for me, it's not really an issue.

Thank you though!

I'm on day 62! I have some vacation coming up, from this Saturday to next Sunday. That'll be Day 75 when I get back. After that, I have some house work being done that'll eat up the next two weeks, realistically. Which means that I think I'll be able to complete the detox and finish strong!

Of course, Day 90/90 of the detox might be Day 1/? of the next goal 😄