Mks' Journal

[mks]

Long time no update.

Right now I wanna leave my past behind.

It's holding me back to focus on my future. As long as I focus on my past there is no moving forward.

Still playing some WoW but it doesn't feel good. Really feel the dopamine and it has numbing effects, which I don't like.
Losing focus for what I really care about. It's just around 30 minutes though. But will cut that down to zero soon. 

Edited September 14, 2020 by mks

[Arthur]

1 hour ago, mks said:

Long time no update.

Right now I wanna leave my past behind.

It's holding me back to focus on my future. As long as I focus on my past there is no moving forward.

Still playing some WoW but it doesn't feel good. Really feel the dopamine and it has numbing effects, which I don't like.
Losing focus for what I really care about. It's just around 30 minutes though. But will cut that down to zero soon. 

I support you leaving WoW. Every now and then it crosses my mind how blessed I am that I am free of gaming, come join me. My brother plays still it makes me remember that games made me forget. It's like - yes, I do have 1000 goals i want and kind of need to work on in my life - but that doesn't even cross my mind cuz - "heeey, gotta do some grinding for my mats, later we are raiding and I better be prepared with pots for the gang" and my day is put into autopilot. 

About leaving your past behind, I know the feeling. I'm slowly getting past it because I am making some progress with my university, so new challenges make it seem like past doesn't matter (and it doesn't - I don't care much for highschool anymore, and once it was everything to me).

[mks]

23 minutes ago, gargamel said:

I support you leaving WoW. Every now and then it crosses my mind how blessed I am that I am free of gaming, come join me. My brother plays still it makes me remember that games made me forget. It's like - yes, I do have 1000 goals i want and kind of need to work on in my life - but that doesn't even cross my mind cuz - "heeey, gotta do some grinding for my mats, later we are raiding and I better be prepared with pots for the gang" and my day is put into autopilot. 

About leaving your past behind, I know the feeling. I'm slowly getting past it because I am making some progress with my university, so new challenges make it seem like past doesn't matter (and it doesn't - I don't care much for highschool anymore, and once it was everything to me).

Thanks for your kind words! 🙌

Yes you are right. Once you move on with your life it seems that the past isn't that important anymore. As I suffer from trauma it kinda comes from "getting healed" which supports looking into the past. But there is no ending. And life is on-hold while working on healing my past. 

The funny thing is, once I feel fulfilled and make progress I already am healing in a way because I am building a new life. It gives hope and  a sense of being in control of my life and moving on. I lost that feeling in the process of "healing my past". So I really think about leaving my past behind and for a while not trying to heal past moments (if that is even a thing).

Will have to start really flexible, cause looking too much into the past can get you into a depressed spot..."the slump". And hell this is so scary. I started "healing my past" and traumas years ago and it didn't really helped a lot. Sometimes it was necessary but in a way I am still stuck. So I will try "not looking for solutions in healing my past" and just move on for a while and see what this methods brings in regards to success and progress.

[mks]

14 hours ago, gargamel said:

I support you leaving WoW. Every now and then it crosses my mind how blessed I am that I am free of gaming, come join me.

I'll follow! I will go to the library today and start the deletion of my BattleNet account. WoW isn't really fun though... it's just that I have some nostalgia around it, but playing both Classic and Retail are just not a good fit anymore. Feels like I have moved on with my life and playing WoW is a step backwards.

[Arthur]

16 hours ago, mks said:

Thanks for your kind words! 🙌

Yes you are right. Once you move on with your life it seems that the past isn't that important anymore. As I suffer from trauma it kinda comes from "getting healed" which supports looking into the past. But there is no ending. And life is on-hold while working on healing my past. 

The funny thing is, once I feel fulfilled and make progress I already am healing in a way because I am building a new life. It gives hope and  a sense of being in control of my life and moving on. I lost that feeling in the process of "healing my past". So I really think about leaving my past behind and for a while not trying to heal past moments (if that is even a thing).

I had a similar experience. We cannot change the past. We can try to find a silver lining, but that can be achieved up to a point. I'm against freudian psychoanalysis which thinks that getting to the "root" trauma will heal a person. Maybe for some things it works... but most of all, I think that people heal when they are given love, or they find love in themselves and do their best to change. This process of "healing" is often a symptom - you can fall into this infinite loop of "I need to get better", "what's the problem with me REALLY?", et cetera. Instead of doing small things to make adjustments. 

Here I am talking about psychological problems, not psychiatric. I realized one day that it was normal that I had depression and anxiety considering what I did with my life and how passive I've become. I stopped overthinking and started making small steps, which usually are just "normal" things a functional person would do - like limiting or quitting addictions and vices, and doing what was on the schedule.

 

3 hours ago, mks said:

I'll follow! I will go to the library today and start the deletion of my BattleNet account. WoW isn't really fun though... it's just that I have some nostalgia around it, but playing both Classic and Retail are just not a good fit anymore. Feels like I have moved on with my life and playing WoW is a step backwards.

Nice! It's funny how we addicts almost never can get that rush we used to have while gaming, but we still stick with the same behaviour because it's "easy". 

[mks]

@gargamel Thanks for your reply. I think you are right. Don't think healing can be found only through getting to the root cause. We should be aware of it, yes, but healing it is almost impossible from my point of view. 

Today was quite ok.

- I was in the city
- bought a new t-shirt
- was at a lake
- will go hiking tomorrow.

Still not a lot of productive things in it. Will work towards a new job and build my own website (maybe). Work is a big problem as I was withough a job because of my PTSD for around a year now. It got worse over time. Well have to fight my way out of it in small steps. We'll see how this will work out. Biggest milestone is to get a job and to have the inner strength to withstand it and performe at it. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by mks

[mks]

Oh and what really helps me with all addictions I have is naming the thing I am addicted to drugs. So it's easier to stay away from them by calling them what they are.
Best thing for me right now is to have a principle to live by:

"I sacrifice the use of any drug."

This makes it easier for me  to guide me through urges. But it's still a long way to go. Just wanted to share this with you.

[Band_to_the_Bone]

Hey mks, I have been coming to this site when I'm feeling urges to game and I read some of your previous posts. I'm glad I did because one of your earliest posts had a line that really struck a chord with me (no piano pun intended)

Quote

Gaming and porn are awesome tools to avoid getting rejected.

It seems like you came back yesterday after a couple of weeks off. I am job searching myself and I know how hard that can be. Best of luck and keep going!

[mks]

This one is one of the biggest "milestones" yet - yet it means everything changes from now on. Why?

I did a inner talk to my responsibilty - if you haven't done this yet, try it!

Responsibility was something I always avoided. I was pushing it away, ignoring it. Doing harm to myself.
Why?

It went some sentences in this inner talk but in the end - the real role of responsibility is to help us grow 
as a person. This is one of the biggest game changers in my life yet.

I know that not everything changes in an instant from now on. But! My relationship to my responsibilty
which can be seen as a own entity in our body that can be spoken or listened to, started today. It's the
first time I recognized that I was running away from it. Facing it revealed the most noble goal ever heard:

It wants to help me to grow. 

This is so helpful. So lifechanging. Just perfect. If you have a same problem, start to talk to your responsibility
like it is a real person. Listen to it. Say what you want to say. Talk to each other. It's the most important
relationship you'll ever have and need to grow as a person. 

I am at the beginning of this. But this feels like a real milestone for me.

Edited September 18, 2020 by mks

[mks]

Things are getting a little bit better.

I am playing around with the supplement L-Tyrosine which is transformed into
dopamine. Right now I am way better at dealing with stress. So it's really helpful.

Will work on building an online course soon. I think this will be my go-to project.
Experiences I earned - putting them into a course because I think they can help
other people. 

But before that I wanna be PTSD free. It's still a way to go but I am making progress!

Edited September 23, 2020 by mks

[mks]

Symtoms are getting better, still a way to go.

Still on WoW but I am right before quitting. Everytime I play, after around 30 minutes
I feel numbed. So gaiming and having a clear mind of which direction I want to go
in my life isn't working. So it's all about sacrifice. I can't have both. Clear mind or 
numbed feeling from gaiming. I will always choose my clear mind, so that as soon as
possible I will delete my BattleNet account.

I don't play a lot and am more outside than gaiming. It's around 30-60 minutes a week.
It's not a lot but it still has negative effects on my brain (brain fog/not a clear mind/distracted mind).

I think that's it - it's a distraction the feeling I have is that I feel distracted.

Edited September 26, 2020 by mks

[mks]

Things are moving forward. As I have mental issues like PTSD it's the most important thing for
me right now to get healthy. In this area I make a lot of progress. Shopping was always a problem,
but now I am super relaxed most of the time instead of stressed.

Social anxiety is super low. It's still there around women. But this will get better soon I think.

One big problem is "trying to avoid making mistakes". This can trigger something in me when I am
in that state. I have some negative expierences with "making mistakes" in my past. So this can also
be some traumatic thing. I think it is. Because it mostly happens when I try to avoid making mistakes,
which get me into a state were I am not present and really stressed. 

Thinking about it. This will still be something I have to work on because this has such an negative
impact on me. You can't do everything right. Mistakes are a part of life. But somehow I had a negative
experience with it so that I avoid mistakes at all costs (one of my biggest "flaws"). 

Porn was my go-to area where you can't do any mistakes, but that's not working anymore still don't know
why. I get a lot of health issues from watching it, so that I avoid it through the app FocusMe which helps
a lot. Otherwise I would be lost. Being addicted to something that is hurting you mentally well... it's a worst
case for me. 

A lot of progess but still a way to go. 

Will keep you updated!

From what I learned working on limiting beliefs and your inner feelings, thing that put you off track, looking at
those things have a lot of benefits and I think at the end of it is authenticity and freedom from your past.
That's what I want to reach.

[mks]

Short update:

Great progress! The situation I described above resolved! Got to the root cause, which is always a relief.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for my persistence and my skill in introspection. I think I mastered it. I can got to root causes to problems almost the same day I get off track.
This is a huge thing. I know I have some talent with it but I get really fast with it. This was like 2 hours ago and I got back in contact with me after a good
chat. This is so huge because once you get in contact with yourself it's a great relief because you get hope from it and be way more present. Love this progress!

[mks]

Still making progress towards mental health. Did a great step towards a big topic. Gaming is not a problem right now. 
Didn't play the last two days. 

But yeah. There is still a lot to do. I want to include more sports into my schedule or day. 
I also want to read more. But mental health is the most critical topic right now, because it causes too much conflicts 
when I am around people. It's hard to describe. 

Most of the problems already "happened" . So there is nothing that is really current in my day to day life. But the problem 
with abuse is, that you tend to become abusive yourself when you are an adult. Today I was looking at this part of me and 
it makes sense why he became so agressive - most of the time it's targeted against me - never to people.
I totally have compassion for him but now I am concious of it. 

That's the main problem. It's still there, this "negative" energy. But when you don't fully feel it you tend to create conflicts.
Those are things like being mostly negative around people because of that past experience. This has nothing to do with
the people I am surrounded with. But the negative enegry is still there and then it really becomes abusive. Then I really talk 
a lot about my problems, putting weight on my friends etc.  Mostly this is the "victim" role i got stuck in. Nothing to blame 
me about, but I don't wanna put so much negativity into my surroundings. 

I think we all have that in us. There is darkness and there is light. We have both. But we have to look at both. I tend to 
look a lot into the "light" part of me. The part that can have compassion, gratitude. But then there is also this part in me
that can be really aggressive against me. And when I am a lot in that state I become negative and that's helping
no one in the would. It's just creating more pain and suffering. Nothing to aim at, but to look at. Not looking at it doesn't 
make it go away. It comes in making excuses, not saying the truth when we feel uncomfortable etc. But this adds up into
more negativity over time. 

But I think today I made a step towards becoming aware of these flaws. It doesn't make them go away, but I am not 
taken over by them. Huge shift and step forward. 

I think the best thing we can do is to invite those these negative feelings a let them speak. In my case it told me a story
to now have full compassion and understanding for it.

[Bird By Bird]

2 hours ago, mks said:

There is darkness and there is light. We have both.

We also have a bunch of other stuff like earth, the drive of nature, and metal, the drive to progress through technology. Also, inviting the negative emotions is a good first step but they will never tell you what they really mean since they're in your house. Eventually, you'll have to go down and visit them in their country. Then, in the midst of their customs, will you be able to reach an understanding, or more arguments, depending on whichever turns out to be better.

[mks]

Today I started my BattleNet account deletion process. Which me good luck to stay strong. 

[Max]

41 minutes ago, mks said:

Today I started my BattleNet account deletion process. Which me good luck to stay strong. 

Hey, good luck! Received mine a couple of days ago. 

[mks]

On 9/30/2020 at 9:56 PM, WhoCares said:

Hey, good luck! Received mine a couple of days ago. 

Great! Thanks for this motivation!

I am almost through the process. Feels good right now. Just so done using things to numb myself.
It's not worth it and worth the sacrifice. Although I loved WoW in the past. There is still something
this game has. With the Shadowlands addon I am would really love to play it but it's numbing effects
are way to intense for me. I know that I would lose track for my life and that's something I can't do
right now. There are more important things to do. 

Today I feel great.

I found out that my appartment is one of the most triggers for my PTSD. I am living at my cousine
right now for the weekend. I need to move out of my appartment as fast as possible. This has the
highest priority right now.

Wish me luke in finding a new appartment. 

[mks]

Just wish everyone the best! Keep up the good fight really.

Sometimes it's hard to move on. Times can get really tough. Life is going to test you. 
But you always have to believe that you can move on. You can always move on.
There is always hope. Always. Never lose that. Sometimes everything around you
is hopeless. But there is hope. There is always hope. Just sense into your stomach.
Cry if you need to. But never give up. Life is worth living. Even when that mean that 
you have to believe. Believe in you dreams. Believe in your goals. Believe. Just 
believe that you can do it. If it's super hard right now always believe that your are
strong. Stay true to who you are never give up. Never.

[mks]

Looking for a new appartment right now. 

It's tough.

I am living in an appartment where I have some negative feelings in it.
It doesn't feel like home. To much memories of the past. It hurts living in this
appartment. 

I get some help in finding a new appartment but it's tough.
I am getting triggered in my appartment by some situations which
causes symtoms of a PTSD. This is causing me to not being able
to work in a job because of my health problems. 

BattleNet account is still in deletion process.
Looking for a new appartment right now. This has priority no.1.

I hope that in the end I will find peace in a new appartment to 
move on with my life, leaving my past behind.

[mks]

I am stuck.

I have to say that I relapsed into gaiming.

Being without work and having some mental problems... well it feels hopeless.
Loneliness is creeping in because of the problems.

I asked myself what's the worst thing that can happen to me, more or less the question
about the thing I am most afraid of. This is something I am dealing with right now.
It feels good to look at that fear, but there is still a problem with getting out of my situation.

I have to find a new job which is super hard for me because of my mental problems,
but it doesn't get better, so that I'll have to do the first step. There is no way around it.
I need to find the courage to do it and then jump. 

[mks]

Things are getting better slowly.

Social anxiety is a little bit stronger right now, but it's ok.

I make a lot of progress towards my mental health. As this is my most critical point right now
(without proper mental health, there is no chance to stay in a job or relationship) I am making
so much progress that I really feel a difference.

It becomes easier to relax. Still a way to go but this is something really important because
I don't wanna end up in another depression and burnout because of the inability to relax.

I wanna cook more and healthy though. With a healthy mind comes also a healthy body.

Gaming is somewhat still an issue - 15-30  minutes a week. It's my last resort when everything
I learned fails, but as I am in conrol of it there is no need to cut it down.

[mks]

Hey everyone! Hope you are doing fine! 

Just wanna wish everyone a good day! Keep up the good fight! Also stay strong and fight
for your rights, set your boundries right to people. Never let someone get pass them. 

I did it for a long time and really... I lost so much years because I wasn't communicating right. 
Learn to communicate. Learn to speak your truth. This goes way beyond gaiming, but in a way
gaming and porn numbed me to the fact that I wasn't feeling it anymore. 

It's just my advice from experience and when I would give someone advice what to learn, it's 
staying true to yourself and learning how to communicate that. 

Keep it up!

[mks]

Making good progress. I move back to my old state, where I was able to work. So this is becoming good.

Work will be possible in a short time I think. So I'll will be in a job soon I think. Which is great progress.