Mks' Journal

[mks]

So today was I was depressed. Yesterday was also depressing. I got a little bit out of depression but
it's still a way to go.

I was outside, rode my bike, enjoyed my time outside. I am grateful of that time.

But I am still figuring out why I have so much problems in my appartment.
Will approach that soon. I need to get out of my appartment. As soon as 
possible. As I have no job right now it's a problem. 

Beating addiction, getting a job and a new appartment are the next steps.
A lot to do and right now I am at a point were I often lose hope. Need a 
stonger mindset at this point of my life.

 

[mks]

I will start with goals that are within my reach. 

To make progress I want to ask myself "is this goal within my reach". As I tend to
reach for the unreachable I will flip it around and only do goals and tasks that are
within my reach - at least for now.

As this is a problem of depression I think it's a good approach. Got it out
of the book Elastic Habits. Will read it further as his situation was the same
as mine - just in his case he was intentionally falling back into a depressed state
to prove his system to get out of it.

Edited June 10, 2020 by mks

[WillDonisthorpe]

6 hours ago, mks said:

I will start with goals that are within my reach. 

To make progress I want to ask myself "is this goal within my reach". As I tend to
reach for the unreachable I will flip it around and only do goals and tasks that are
within my reach - at least for now.

As this is a problem of depression I think it's a good approach. Got it out
of the book Elastic Habits. Will read it further as his situation was the same
as mine - just in his case he was intentionally falling back into a depressed state
to prove his system to get out of it.

My brother told me a long time ago that sometimes to achieve my goals I need to break them down into smaller things to achieve them. Try to view the steps you take towards them as the milestones they are and take pride in it. You'll get there if you keep going!

I thinks its really good that you've got a case study to read about someone going through similar issues. It helps find your path through if you get mentally stuck on something. Keep it up 🙂

[mks]

28 minutes ago, WillDonisthorpe said:

My brother told me a long time ago that sometimes to achieve my goals I need to break them down into smaller things to achieve them. Try to view the steps you take towards them as the milestones they are and take pride in it. You'll get there if you keep going!

I thinks its really good that you've got a case study to read about someone going through similar issues. It helps find your path through if you get mentally stuck on something. Keep it up 🙂

Thanks man!

Yeah today was great with it. First day with this new approach. Did 40min of riding my home bike. 10 minutes more 
than usual. 

I like his approach because he offers a solution for the problem: setting high goals and forcing me to do them and
then quitting because of too much pressure. After some days or weeks my rebel takes over and screams "I want to be free!"
So I quit. Forcing myself to do things never worked for me long-term and I did this for years without success. It even got worse because of shame and guilt.

Today I was taking a break as soon as I forced me internally to do a specific amount of time on the bike.
I took a break and started over again. I didn't got the 40 minutes in one run but in intervals.
So 10 minutes, break, 10 minutes break, 20 minutes. This was way more fun and I had the freedom of choice.
Love it for the first day!

Edited June 10, 2020 by mks

[Realworlder]

When it comes to building habits it is about the small steps, small easily achievable goals that you can improve on from day to day or week to week. Anything more can work as a compass for your journey but it never should be your destination. "Make today a tiny increment better than yesterday!" And you will achieve greatness, there is no one better to compare ourselfs to than our past self. 

[mks]

8 hours ago, Marek said:

When it comes to building habits it is about the small steps, small easily achievable goals that you can improve on from day to day or week to week. Anything more can work as a compass for your journey but it never should be your destination. "Make today a tiny increment better than yesterday!" And you will achieve greatness, there is no one better to compare ourselfs to than our past self. 

True!

I really like Elastic Habits so far. They fit the "real me" really good. Second day it worked
and am excited to build more habits tomorrow (never had this with a strategy yet - most are
force yourself through it... don't like it and never worked for me.) 

Elastic Habits are really refreshing and exciting.

[Realworlder]

18 minutes ago, mks said:

True!

I really like Elastic Habits so far. They fit the "real me" really good. Second day it worked
and am excited to build more habits tomorrow (never had this with a strategy yet - most are
force yourself through it... don't like it and never worked for me.) 

Elastic Habits are really refreshing and exciting.

That is awesome! I have not read Elastic Habits, but from experience, I found this is the best way to move forward. One of my favorite books on building habits would be Atomic habits by James Clear. From what you mentioned, it seems like there might be many similarities between this and Elastic Habits. I like the comparison of habits to boiling water. To reach the boil, you need to increase the temperature to 100C. That is the point when you see a notable change, but you need to increase the temperature degree by degree until you reach it. If you stop on 99, 98, 97 .... you will so close, yet there will still only be a water in your pot and not steam. And habits are the same, every little step counts but the change, especially to the people outside, will only be visible once we hit that sweet point of boil. That's why it is essential to focus on the process, not the result. Journey before destination. And trust me, the results will arrive sooner than you think! The consistency is the key 🙂 

[mks]

1 hour ago, Marek said:

That is awesome! I have not read Elastic Habits, but from experience, I found this is the best way to move forward. One of my favorite books on building habits would be Atomic habits by James Clear. From what you mentioned, it seems like there might be many similarities between this and Elastic Habits. I like the comparison of habits to boiling water. To reach the boil, you need to increase the temperature to 100C. That is the point when you see a notable change, but you need to increase the temperature degree by degree until you reach it. If you stop on 99, 98, 97 .... you will so close, yet there will still only be a water in your pot and not steam. And habits are the same, every little step counts but the change, especially to the people outside, will only be visible once we hit that sweet point of boil. That's why it is essential to focus on the process, not the result. Journey before destination. And trust me, the results will arrive sooner than you think! The consistency is the key 🙂 

Yes true!

Just as a example:

Pre-Elastic Habit:

Swim 30 minutes at a lake (all in a row mostly)

With Elastic habits:

Swimming for 10 minutes (or as long as I want)
Taking a break at the lake reading
"Oh now I want to swim again" Again +10 Minutes
Reading again with break
At this time swimming was so awesome fun, that I went back
without time limit or pressure.

I just followed my instincs and as soon a I put pressure on me
I was allowed to take a break.

In the end I was swimming +30 minutes.

Without it and the normal approach I would have stopped maybe, 
and would have less fun because of this strict discipline perspective
on having the time as a outside force that put pressure on me.

The elastic habit comes from feedom and I can do what I want
and now it's not pressure it's pure fun because I really loved 
swimming after the first break 😄

[mks]

Making some progress with my sleep schedule.

As soon as I do some sports (30 min. swimming) I sleep way better.
I will wake up less exhausted.

This is the first step in fixing my sleep pattern - daily sports.

The problem is I still have not reason to wake up on time. 
I don't have a bigger goal or vision. And as I don't have a 
job right now, there is really no real reason to get up on
time. A job would help I think. So I will focus on that.

I don't know if building a business is my thing. I have 
some kind of website unfinished but it doesn't feel
"right". It's not something I enjoy. Don't know why...
maybe it's because it's all at my laptop and I really 
need some social situations right now. Hard to figure 
it out what I like. So I stay in bed - which is a problem 
but still the best thing in reach.

A big thing I can work on plus something that is 
bringing me joy.

[mks]

I added "being less resentful" in my list. 

Because of a bad childhood and some bad decisions I am offen resentful about life in general.
As this is not bringing me forward in any way, I wanna reduce it dramatically.

[WillDonisthorpe]

@mks I find when I have no reason to get up my insomnia goes wild. I'd end up  awake till 5 am for no reason because I had nothing to work towards so why bother to sleep to be ready for the day after. I think that may be a goal in itself, find some you're passionate about, something worth getting out of bed for.

I used to be really resentful a couple years ago. It took some meditation and some real healthy mind steps to break passed it. Couldn't recommend meditation using Headspace. One of the first things it teaches you is how to let your thoughts just come and go 🙂

[mks]

@WillDonisthorpe Yes true! It's hard finding something i'm passionate about. I once worked as a webdev.
But somehow this career collapsed because of mental problems. 

What I just found out. Well it's kinda hard to admit. I was really overprotected as a child. Which was kinda
my default, which meant hiding behind people. Following people.

What I just recognize is, that I am still in this "overprotection bubble" in a way. Porn is one of that.
Hiding behind people. But well all this no longer works as I am 31 now and it's pure hell staying
in that state. There is no growth and confidence in it. When I ask for help all the time how the hell
do I figure out what I want? How the hell do I live life on my own.

I kinda was asking myself yesterday why my mind thinks going back to porn and overprotection
is freedom. Hell... I was really believing that porn means freedom. Being allowed to give in to 
addition. This is so wrong but I was believing that.

So today I think I got to the root of that problem.

The reason is protection.

As of Jordan Peterson, we have to sacrifice something. 

So I was looking what the hell I am unwilling to sacrifice. And well... it's protection. One part of me wanna
be protected. One part of be doesn't wanna give that up. But well this is a hell of a problem because 
in 1-2 years I would end up on the street because that's not how things work. As being 
without a job right now this is really dangerous. 

So the most important thing right now is working on this mindset.

"You ganna have to sacrifice protection."

As this kind sounds scary... well it's the opposite. It's pure freedom. I am not longer attached
and dependet on that thing or the person because I no longer am in need of protection. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by mks

[mks]

As of my last post I want to get out of my shell!

This means:
- Getting a job
- Moving into a new appartment [ I really don't like my old one because it's related to the past a lot ]

How can I reach my goals "Getting a job" and "moving into a new appartment"?

1) Working on building relationships with people [ THE must for a good job relationship ]
- Leaving my appartment as soon as possible in the morning to gain distance from my appartment 
- Practice being around people a lot more
- A lot of focus on building relationships with people. This will start with facing my fear of being seen

2) Money
- Getting a low paying job at first with limited hours to train being around people and working on my fear of being seen
  also to get out of my appartment

Which habits will I work on to reach this new goal?

Building relationships

Spending time outside of my appartment without wanting to hide
This means, that I have eye contact. Trying not to avoid it etc. being present around people
+1: 5 Minutes 
+2: 10 Minutes  
+3: 15 Minutes

Doing my practice in the city (courage practice)
+1: At 1 place
+2: At 3 places
+3: At 5 places

Buying something in a grocery store to face my social anxiety
+1: In 1 store
+2: In 2 stores
+3: In 3 stores

Those are my elastic habit as of the book I read. I have to do at least one of them with +1 level.
The higher the points the better the score and rating of it. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by mks

[WillDonisthorpe]

@mks I think its admirable that you are trying to get out of your shell. I think making eye contact in different stores may hit your bank if you're doing it every day though xD

But training out of social anxiety is good, aslong as you do it your pace 🙂

[mks]

15 hours ago, WillDonisthorpe said:

@mks I think its admirable that you are trying to get out of your shell. I think making eye contact in different stores may hit your bank if you're doing it every day though xD

But training out of social anxiety is good, aslong as you do it your pace 🙂

Yeah it's a high goal. Right now being outside is enough and everything else is a bonus. As of having a PTSD 
things are complicated right now. Those symptoms are kinda hell... but will work on it though. Hope those
symptoms will fade away in about 1-2 weeks. I know them but it kinda sucks...

[mks]

Today was a good day. 

As I am on a cold turkey trip around NoFap the need that it fulfilled is quite obvious now:

- The need for love and connection
- The need for admission, being respected - which mostly is coming from work. 

I once worked in a job without this confimation or someone say "Good job!". I really long
for this. As I missed this in my childhood I was seeking this feeling through trying to
prove myself. But in my last job there was no recognition for 9 months. It was horrible.

I am seeking for a job where there is more recognition for the work I am doing. This
is what one part of me wants. People that value my work. 

The list of things I did today:

- 40 minutes of swimming ( I am getting really good at it )
- Bought something in the city ( less anxiety whooo! ) 😄 
- Met one of my relatives in the city

But there is a big "but.."

I wanna stop complaining, whining.

We as germans are pretty good at complaining 😄 No idea why but well. I don't wanna be that
typical german. What I found out complaining is somehow fun or at least there is lust involved.
Don't know why I am so sensetive to it. But complining sucks! Really! It sucks xD! 

There is no value we get from it - it just delays the solution to the problem. 

Without acting complaining is toxic for our life. So this is something I wanna spend my awareness on
once I finished some of my goals. 

[WillDonisthorpe]

I have never heard of complaining Germans being a thing but I'll take your word for it. Good luck trying to break free from the chain xD

[mks]

Today was quite ok. 

I still have some problems with my health but it feels like it's getting a little bit better.

What's next?

Finding a job and being able to perform good at it. 

As of now I wasn't able to perform good in a job. Mostly of mental and social problems.

Social anxiety is getting better. I had a lot of problems with what people think
of me. So I was always checking if someone is talking about me, kinda paranoia. This is nearly at zero.
Not thinking about that anymore which is a hugh milestone for me. I was at a beach bar which
was a huge problem in the past. Today was the best day since a lot of years of depression. 

Talking to stangers is still a problem. I have a lot of problems to put myself into the conversation
instead of just functioning. 

There is a difference between ordering a meal technically or with some more emotions and 
personality. Right now at a level of 100 I am at 20% involvment in those situations. So still way
to go. 

It's this "putting myself out there fully" without holding back of my emotions. I have a lot of 
self-control in those situations. 

So yeah. Working on social anxiety and getting healthier mentally and physically. 

[BooksandTrees]

11 hours ago, mks said:

Today was quite ok. 

I still have some problems with my health but it feels like it's getting a little bit better.

What's next?

Finding a job and being able to perform good at it. 

As of now I wasn't able to perform good in a job. Mostly of mental and social problems.

Social anxiety is getting better. I had a lot of problems with what people think
of me. So I was always checking if someone is talking about me, kinda paranoia. This is nearly at zero.
Not thinking about that anymore which is a hugh milestone for me. I was at a beach bar which
was a huge problem in the past. Today was the best day since a lot of years of depression. 

Talking to stangers is still a problem. I have a lot of problems to put myself into the conversation
instead of just functioning. 

There is a difference between ordering a meal technically or with some more emotions and 
personality. Right now at a level of 100 I am at 20% involvment in those situations. So still way
to go. 

It's this "putting myself out there fully" without holding back of my emotions. I have a lot of 
self-control in those situations. 

So yeah. Working on social anxiety and getting healthier mentally and physically. 

Do you see a therapist at all? They've been helpful to me in dealing with anxiety. 

[mks]

@BooksandTrees Yes was in therapy for it. It's a lot better, but I have still some confidence problem.
But I am working on it.

Yesterday I was invited for dinner. Pretty new situation for me. I still have problems in groups of
people. But it was way better than my last meeting with people. 

All in all it's being confident. Once I get into a confident state things are getting a lot better.
Confidence and trust.

I still have a problem to fill my time on weekends. Right now I have some urges porn related.
Just to escape and numb myself. But as I am using the app cold turkey there is no way to 
get around it. Watching a lot of TV because of that as a filler activity. Not the best way but
better than porn.

Oh and there is one more thing:

I wanna do one new thing every week. It's because I have problems to fill my time I want to
find activities that are fun to do. Right now I default to watching TV which is zero risk and
most comfortable. No intention at all. Also not creative or active.

Edited June 21, 2020 by mks

[mks]

Today I was at a lake swimming. This was quite ok. 

I still have problems at my laptop. I still don't wanna give up my laptop as a tool to build
something. But right now I have severe symptoms when I am at my laptop. It's really hard
and I hope that this will work out. As soon as I reach to my laptop I get pain in my stomach.
This is a huge problem as I worked as a programmer and right now this is impossible to do.
Therefor I really have a big problem getting into a job heath wise. It sucks 😕

Hope to recover somehow with that.

[mks]

Today was the first day of getting therapy and help related to addiction. It was quite ok.
Got some addresses and a self-help group which will attend. So it's good to have a 
helping system of people to talk to. Will get therarpy though.

So I was:

- In the city in consulting around addiction
- At a lake without swimming today
- Was sleeping at home a lot but was quite ok

The day wasn't something special but ok. I still want to try new things which I want to make
a habit of: "Try one new thing a day or a week." Like making sudoku, cooking a new meal, etc...

Tension is still getting high when I get to my laptop.

[mks]

Things feel super complex right now. Too many problems. Mostly symtoms of my PTSD I think.
Sucks to not be able to cope with them. They loop back all the time. Tension is really high.

So yeah. Hope these symtoms will fade away soon. It's nearly impossible to be productive in that state.

[chiliflavor]

 

23 hours ago, mks said:

I still want to try new things which I want to make
a habit of: "Try one new thing a day or a week."

Hey Mks! This idea is nice! I'll think about this too. 😄 

5 minutes ago, mks said:

It's nearly impossible to be productive in that state.

Agree! I recommend take the day-off. Tonight, probably I'll watch Brooklyn 99. 😄 I need to take the day-off as well. 😅

[mks]

Today I have an urge to go back to porn. Thanks to the app Cold Turkey I am save.
So there should not be a relapse.

But it's really tough. Although it causes so much pain in my life, my brain still thinks
this is the go-to source of escape, dopamine or even reward and relaxation. This sucks.
One part of me really likes this feeling of domapine but on the other hand I feel like it
is ruining everything. So one part of me wants to go back and another part just knows
it's not good for me.

Porn as an esacpe means freedom for one part of me. When I can do whatever I want
it would be porn. This is so scary. Because I know all the harmful effects, but my 
mind doesn't care. It only wants dopamine. The rest is not really important. Stupid brain xD 

Addictions are really tough.

Hopefully Cold Turkey helps me a lot to only allow specfic websites.