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So basically the thing that would cause me a relapse is nostalgia.

This feeling of everything is fine, being able to numb myself. It's strange.
all those things are caused through some internet behaviour and has
nothing to do with real life. 

But in a way, one part of me is sad of not being able to go back. I know
this because it causes so much pain. This feeling of nostalgia is really 
tough to manage. It feels like on the other side of it is everything fine, 
nothing to worry about. But it's so much of a wrong reality.

So I was at the lake instead today and in a swimming hall. 

Social anxiety is down to 2/10 maybe even 1/10. So super good.
In my case it was really a problem of serotonin which was way
to low for me. 

Talking to people is still a problem with my confidence but I am
getting better at it. Mostly because I try to not force things to happen.
This helps a lot. Most of the things we can't control anyway.

I still have a problem to find a job where I am able to live life how I want.
I want to make this decision from a point of freedom. So that I have to
freedom to choose and not being forced to do a job I hate. Don't think
that I will handle one more of those jobs that I don't like. This means
I try to be as honest as possible to find out what I really enjoy. 

Coming from a point as a webdev. I don't think I will stay in this career.
I have to force myself to to it. And this is hell. Pure hell. 

Not it's just a matter of time, finding something that I really enjoy doing.

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Nostalgia is like we miss something which we think is really important to us.

For me this is always the case with WoW. I often went back to WoW because of nostalgia. I was missing the time 
there. But most of the time it felt not like in my childhood. So I always quit after one month. This comes and goes.

So I think it's ok to miss something, but we don't have to go back because we moved on with life. I think this is 
the best way to deal with nostalgia:

"It's ok to miss something." It's human.

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So things are getting better. Had a problem with the cold turkey tool which is fixed right now. 

My goal is to be fit in around 1-2 weeks to be able to start with a new job.

Laptop-wise:
I want my laptop to be super limited. Just ordering stuff and one twitch channel. Like it's liimited right now.
I will build a normal PC which I will bring to a co-working space. This PC has unlimited access to the internet for work.
I will only work outside of my home. So my home is to relax and outside is for work. I don't wanna mix them with
homeoffice. 

Gratitude

I am grateful for my kinda stable state.
I am grateful that I am able to clean my appartment on a daily basis. It's almost always clean.
I am grateful for the app Cold Turkey that is helping me to stay focused.
I am grateful for myself. Right now I really like myself although I don't have a job.
I am grateful for being myself.
I am grateful for just being. 

Edited by mks
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Today I listened to a podcast from Impact Theory on money.

This one was really nice. Right now I need money from the state because of having no work. 
No matter where the stream of money comes from, he is giving the advice to just say thanks.

So indeed after being thankful for this income stream I am way more happy and thankful.
We often take things for granted or are even ungrateful. 

So yeah I will practice gratitude way more - especially around money.

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I think I got my vision. I wanna support people who have a hard time.

This is way better I think than working as a webdev.

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Today was great. 

- Around 6 hours out of my house
- Made a lot of progress with socializing
- Made progress around my relationship to people in general. It's quite hard but
  I make a lot of progress and today feels like a milestone int that area

So I am really greatful for this day. It started out really hard but in the end staying
outside was the key to have a great feeling in the afternoon.

I think I will repeat this process tomorrow. As the weather stays great I really want
to take advantage of that.

Oh and this one is also huge. 

It's around a podcast around money. I knew I have a bad relationship with money, 
or at least weak believe systems. 

Instead of staying in being poor I got to a point where I feel rich. Not money wise 
but internally. I have everything I need. I am allowed to become rich. And this is 
not meant money wise it's more about relationships. I am allowed to have rich
and fulfilling relationships.
This is so strong. And with strong relationships the 
money will come from serving them. But at first I need to maintain good relationships.
Without relationships there is no way to earn lasting money - for a company, as a
freelancer or as a business owner. 

Keep it up guys! We can do this! If I can switch this mindset, everyone can do!

Now it's time to build some lasting and fulfilling relationships 🙂

PS: 
I was taking a freelancing course from Brad Hussey. He was also talking about 
this. Without the ability to build relationships, it's super hard to succeed everywhere
in life. The one with relationship skills will always be more successful than the one
with "only"  pure technical skills.

Edited by mks
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Loneliness is the most critical problem right now. 

I am still on Cold Turkey app with a whitelist approach. It's day 4. I just have the 
websites on a whitelist, that I need for work. No youtube... not twitch.

This is really hardmode... so once my need of meeting people is not met,
I have a lot of symptoms that are painful. It's also impossible to numb myself. I really feel a lot of emotional 
pain. So I try to leave my house and spend as much as time as possible outside. But it's super hard. 

I hope I will improve with it or get healthy to work in a normal job. It's really more of 
surviving instead of living. 

Incredible how the different platforms on the internet fulfill a lot of needs, that are not rooted 
in reality but just digital. Super scary that it's so hard for me to fulfill my needs without all 
the addictive platforms. Lot's of urges to just numb myself or to escape.

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Living by the advice of Jordan Peterson. Life is suffering. What can we do about it?
Reducing it!

So my guiding light right now is focusing on reducing suffering. 

Made a lot of progress on that through a lot of conversations on topics that were 
causing suffering. And reduced a lot! It was so worth it. 

It's still a problem sitting at home in isolation but that source of suffering will 
past fade too. But it's a little bit better because hugh problems seem to get
into the right direction.

Focusing on reducing my suffering and the suffering of others is the best
thing that happened to me. Something that I want to live by.

 

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Most important things right now:

- Social interactions for isolation
- Work for structure and meaning/fulfillment

I think about those right now. I will focus on those two things right now.
Both of them cause most of my suffering. 

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8 hours ago, mks said:

Living by the advice of Jordan Peterson. Life is suffering. What can we do about it?
Reducing it!

So my guiding light right now is focusing on reducing suffering. 

Made a lot of progress on that through a lot of conversations on topics that were 
causing suffering. And reduced a lot! It was so worth it. 

It's still a problem sitting at home in isolation but that source of suffering will 
past fade too. But it's a little bit better because hugh problems seem to get
into the right direction.

Focusing on reducing my suffering and the suffering of others is the best
thing that happened to me. Something that I want to live by.

 

Hi friend,

 

We haven’t met but I am so glad your here. 
 

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle helped me find so much joy in my life. It’s a simple spiritual book and an easy read.  
 

Have a beautiful day!!

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2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi friend,

 

We haven’t met but I am so glad your here. 
 

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle helped me find so much joy in my life. It’s a simple spiritual book and an easy read.  
 

Have a beautiful day!!

Thanks man! Means a lot to me. Times are tough. I kinda think I was on zero dopamin and maximum pain today.

Hurtful feelings but still alive 😄

Never ever do cold turkey with youtube, twitch and porn at once. Too much needs to be met in real life 
and I have no clue how to adapt to it. Today I coped with fast food to get some dopamine 😄 But 
well it helped and was showing me how much pain can be caused if you are too long in a low dopamin
state. I was stuck in bordome. But once I was satisfied trough food, dopamine was released. Pain was

way way better after that. But it's just a coping mechanism. 

Today I grabbed a book and read almost around 40 pages. 

Oh and awesome also: 

Through all the pain I wanted to just disappear. Like numbing on the internet and hiding. 
This would have been bad. Today I allowed myself to unplug from real life through
dreaming and some imagination. This was like a great meditation and gave me a lot of energy.
So I will include dreaming into my day maybe in the evening. I think it's a healthy way to 
unplug from real life for a while. Felt great!

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Isn't it crazy how good it feels to just exist and think sometimes when we've been hiding from that for so long? Maybe not directly hiding from it but we certainly deprived ourselves of the opportunity. I think part of what makes games so addictive is they do require a high level of some kind of thought even though it's not critical thought or introspective thought... so on some level we feel like we're actually doing something.

Edited by ceponatia
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9 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Isn't it crazy how good it feels to just exist and think sometimes when we've been hiding from that for so long? Maybe not directly hiding from it but we certainly deprived ourselves of the opportunity. I think part of what makes games so addictive is they do require a high level of some kind of thought even though it's not critical thought or introspective thought... so on some level we feel like we're actually doing something.

Yes games are powerful in that. With games we know our task, we make progress and get rewarded.

This gives so much peace to our minds. So games aren't bad. Too much gamining is the problem. 

I would so hard play WoW right now because I know, I would feel so much better.
All those needs would be met in a second. 

But I know that I would end up in a bad place 1-2 years from know. 

We need to learn how to get our needs fulfilled without gaiming. We are addicted to it because
of all those benefits. In porn it's feeling connected or loved.

Basic human needs, but once they are unmet the body is reacting with pain. So we either adapt
in the realworld or relapse. Relapse was so close yesterday.

Next day to find ways to fulfill my needs.

I think when we put time into that, learning how to fulfill them, we have a super power to live in
this world. But it's a tough process. All in all it's just dopamine and meeting people. Dopamin is
the key driver of our emotions.

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Today was better.

I was at a lake reading.

I was outside of my home from 10am - 4pm. So around 6 hours. There were some urges and still 
are. There is a constant pull to my old habits of sitting a lot of hours in front of my laptop.

But there are also big improvements:

- Almost no social anxiety when entering a grocery store
- Reading was way better today
- I am more present

But there are also some negative things:

- After I hit the grocery store, my presence was getting worse. I don't know where this comes from
  maybe "fitting in" or "making myself small" because I was super present in the moment. But I became
  more and more unpresent in the store. It's something I do actively, but still no real clue where this 
  comes from.

19 hours ago, Icandothis said:

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle helped me find so much joy in my life. It’s a simple spiritual book and an easy read.  

I think you are right! Today I was super present and in that state there were no real symptoms of 
my depression. Felt great! Spending time at the lake and reading helped a lot with that.

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That’s so wonderful to hear. 
 

Sometimes when I get caught in my mind, I focus the energy and attention on my left big toe. It’s sounds silly I know, but it will break the thought pattern. 
 

Oh the lake.... how beautiful!  It is so wonderful to spend time in nature. 
 

Sending joy to you. 

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Hey everyone! Need some help!

This one is tough. My internet behaviour porn related can cause a PTSD. I just wanna share this with
you because it's the third time it happend. My mind is still addicted to porn and sometimes there is
something that triggers me and this causes a PTSD.

Nightmares, high inner tension, no concentration. I am a mess in that state.

Once I make progress my mind always wants to go back and this is the second time I have huge
problems from a relapse. Relapse means just watching porn. 

I hate myself for always going back. I don't know why I do this. I really don't. It messes me up that
I thought about selling my laptop. It's just so hard to handle and it's not just a normal relapse where
you just watched porn. It's a fully developed PTSD which lasts at least 3-4 weeks with all the symptoms. 

It's a lose-lose situation. Porn isn't giving me anything like maybe 2 years ago. At least it was kinda
relaxing and was regulating my mind. But all these "positive" functions are gone and it's just hell. 

When a PTSD is triggered, my stomach is hurting like hell, I get nightmares for 3 days and have extremely high
inner tension which is super hard to regulate. It's super close to needing a lot of professional help in like a hospital.
This state, being addicted and  having high risk of triggering a PTSD is making me a mess. 

I hope that someday I will be porn free and never ever have the urge to go back. I don't want to. It's too painful
and messing up my life.

Sorry if this is a intense post. I am really in a bad state.

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Today I was at the lake for around 3 hours. 

Still a lot of problems with isolation. As I am not in work right now, connections
during the week are a problem.

I hope to get out of this soon. I just wanna get back into work but it's still a problem
because of symtoms of my PTSD. 

So Cold Turkey app is still active. But well it's true that gaming and porn fulfill a lot
of needs. Having to fulfill them without the internet or gaiming is a big challenge.
This means that after 1 or 2 days with no to less contact to people I am getting
problems. 

I hope that after the weekend I am a little bit in a better place. Right now it's impossible
to work with that state. So I hope to get back on track soon. The only thing I can do is
be around people (outside my hope).

Isolation is kinda adding the intensity of social anxiery.

In the morning until around 1pm I am kinda good.

Edited by mks
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On 7/9/2020 at 11:19 AM, mks said:

Hey everyone! Need some help!

This one is tough. My internet behaviour porn related can cause a PTSD. I just wanna share this with
you because it's the third time it happend. My mind is still addicted to porn and sometimes there is
something that triggers me and this causes a PTSD.

Nightmares, high inner tension, no concentration. I am a mess in that state.

Once I make progress my mind always wants to go back and this is the second time I have huge
problems from a relapse. Relapse means just watching porn. 

I hate myself for always going back. I don't know why I do this. I really don't. It messes me up that
I thought about selling my laptop. It's just so hard to handle and it's not just a normal relapse where
you just watched porn. It's a fully developed PTSD which lasts at least 3-4 weeks with all the symptoms. 

It's a lose-lose situation. Porn isn't giving me anything like maybe 2 years ago. At least it was kinda
relaxing and was regulating my mind. But all these "positive" functions are gone and it's just hell. 

When a PTSD is triggered, my stomach is hurting like hell, I get nightmares for 3 days and have extremely high
inner tension which is super hard to regulate. It's super close to needing a lot of professional help in like a hospital.
This state, being addicted and  having high risk of triggering a PTSD is making me a mess. 

I hope that someday I will be porn free and never ever have the urge to go back. I don't want to. It's too painful
and messing up my life.

Sorry if this is a intense post. I am really in a bad state.

I recently severely injured myself from porn addiction related behavior and it's the most humiliating thing I've ever done in my life. I hear you and understand how complicated porn addiction is. Porn is also something that relaxes us so that makes sense that when you're in higher tension and stress you'd crave it.

I'm looking to overcome my addiction as well so I'll be here to help if you ever need to talk. I had to go to the hospital this week for an injury and now have 2 therapists to deal with my addiction. Therapy helped me quit video games and I'm 88 weeks free from gaming. So I do recommend it. I'm giving it my best shot as well.

I hope you are pain free and I hope it stops impacting your life.

Keep journaling and stay strong. I also think I'd avoid NoFap's website. I tried going there and the people are more crazy. I also hated how people would say in their diary how they are porn free, but explicitly detail their sex life with their wives. Which was a huge trigger for me to relapse. Most people here don't write that stuff.

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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I hope you are pain free and I hope it stops impacting your life.

Thanks man! For me porn is also self harm. It really hurts. I am so forced into a new behaviour
it's like sink or swim. Right now I am sinking. It's hard to change your life in a second, because
porn wasn't always harmful. It was just a bad habit with some negative side effects like social
anxiety. But from one day to another it caused a PTSD with all the symptoms of derealisation
(which is the hardest to manage because you can't do anything about it - just wait and hope).
This was the day it became really harmful.

So option one is to be stuck in this self-harm PTSD causing cycle or 
option two is learn to swim in real life to not be forced to go back to 
porn. 

I know it's hard. And some needs are not really met in isolation. I would really want to gradually
reduce but it's impossible. It would cause a PTSD from now on. 

Thinking about unblocking Twitch. This would give me some sense of social connection, 
which is the hardest thing I suffer from right now.

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Today I was in the woods but not the cabin in the woods 😄

I was hiking with my best friends. Was really important for me to talk with him.
Was a great hike. 

After that we went for a drink.

RIght after the hike I went into the city and bought something to eat. This was 
a hard one because I suffer from derealisation from my PTSD. So this was a
challenge. But it was easily possible to order a meal and went to a park were 
I ate it.

Still a long way to go to recover. But today was a little bit better.

Keep it up guys! We will get through this time! Stay strong if you suffer right now!

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7 hours ago, mks said:

Thinking about unblocking Twitch. This would give me some sense of social connection, 
which is the hardest thing I suffer from right now.

I offer you the chance to counter this thought right now. Twitch is one of the biggest reasons I see people relapse with video games. It's also exactly what you said in the paragraph before:

7 hours ago, mks said:

It's hard to change your life in a second, because
porn wasn't always harmful. It was just a bad habit with some negative side effects like social
anxiety.

Just switch "porn" with "gaming" and you'll be back to where you were with gaming addiction. I'm not trying to scare you, but I've been here for 2 years now and I can't tell you how many people I've seen start watching Twitch and YouTube gaming videos and they stop posting here for months or years. You can also read relapse logs from people brave enough to detail their relapses. I won't pinpoint them since it's sensitive to them. But most of them start from loneliness and venturing into gaming Twitch Channels, YouTube, Discord Channels for gaming, Reddit feeds.

Keep blocking those. Try to find meetup groups or other online connection groups. Call a friend or family member if you're lonely. Keep getting inventive.

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

Keep blocking those. Try to find meetup groups or other online connection groups. Call a friend or family member if you're lonely. Keep getting inventive.

I think you are right. It's more longterm and fulfilling to call someone. My Twitch time is mostly
watching passivly. Not being active in chat. But it's also all digital which means that I wont 
learn the skills to cope with stress in real life. It would end up opening the laptop in the morning watching a stream.

So yeah, I think blocking it is the best way to handle it.

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10 hours ago, mks said:

I think you are right. It's more longterm and fulfilling to call someone. My Twitch time is mostly
watching passivly. Not being active in chat. But it's also all digital which means that I wont 
learn the skills to cope with stress in real life. It would end up opening the laptop in the morning watching a stream.

So yeah, I think blocking it is the best way to handle it.

That's smart. Please listen to @BooksandTrees. Twitch is a pseudo-community. If you feel lonely, go hang around with people in person. 

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Today I was at a lake with a friend. Spent time outside from 9.30am to 6pm.

It's the longest time I was outside with a friend. 

So yeah. Like you said, @BooksandTrees , it's not worth it to be around Twitch. I was asking myself
what the problem is. The problem is, that we unlearn social skills. We don't read reactions of people.
Real social skills are only developed in real life. Yeah I would have my need met, but sustaining
social skills are only practice ourside of the home. In real life. With real people.

So it's not only about fixing my need to be around people, but only the learn the skills to talk
with them. Social/Soft skills are the most important and the least developed because of 
porn addiction and too much isolation.

But I am learning. Today was a good day to re-learn how to talk to people. It's not awesome, 
yet I have a little bit of a anti-social personality. But I hope that with practice I will move 
forward and be able to handle a normal job again. 

From my mind I am clear headed. I have super sharp focus. My social anxiety is still quite ok.
My PTSD symtoms are still hard to handle. It's day 5 since the symtoms came up. Normally to
fully get out of those symptoms I need 2-3 weeks and to be at 80%. So I hope that by the end of
next week I will be way stronger. 

My goal is to be in a job by the end of this month. No need to be outside of a job any longer.
I just want the symtoms to be at around 80% before I start a new job. 

So there is still hope!

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