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gargamel
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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

I have to say - days are beginning to seem so short. This forum takes like an hour or so a day, meditation 45 minutes, gym around 2 hours (commute included), and yesterday I spent around 3 hours on house chores+dinner. That's 7 hours gone already. Plus, I take a shower two times a day, I shave, I prepare myself something to eat, I make my bed, I make my coffee, I take out the trash and that cumulatively takes another hour at least, if not 2 if I do it slowly or have some other little chore to do. That's 9 hours of the day gone. and then if I study for 6 hours like a did yesterday, that's pretty much the whole waking day spent. Well spent, but spent. I still need to get used to it. 

 

49 minutes ago, Marek said:

I keep running into the same issue. But if it was able to spend even more hours on gaming and still be able to get through life somehow, it is not impossible. Albeit, there is a limited number of hours in a day, but they are there to be spent. Might as well use them all because once they are gone, they are gone. Time in an odd currency. Its value is equivalent to what you buy with it. 

24 hours a day. I think I had that feeling my days are shortening about a month into quitting. There's always something to do. Got two hours? Hit the gym. Got half an hour? Clean the room. Even then, I sometimes like to be "creatively bored" when I think of new ideas and activities.

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

P.S. I am ready to make the next step towards me completely switching my "first play, then work" attitude. For the past 2 weeks I have been successfully waking up earlier than usual, I have meditated and gone to gym almost exclusively before or around noon, but now I need to study at least 2 hours every morning as well. That way I can relax for an hour or two before going to bed, or push past my 6 hour limit for studying if necessary. 

I started getting up at 6 consistently at the beginning of quarantine. I notice I am hardcore about it even now, because whenever I am out, I make an effort to hit the sack around midnight, so I get up before 8. People sometimes almost reflexively ask me/poke fun at me as to why I get up so early and don't drink much and I tell them every time: "Because that's how I want it."

59 minutes ago, Marek said:

I believe that our actions need to reflect our identity, who we want to be. If not, we get into internal conflict, which only leads to anxiety. The same thing happened to me with gaming. I always identified myself as a productive and hard-working but my actions did not reflect that, hours of gaming are neither of those. "If someone could only see my actions and not hear my words, what would they say my priorities are?"  

I am not a fan of making schedules in advance for myself, but I write what I do every day every 30 minutes. Sometimes there are weeks where my ideally "daily" habits turn into "1-2x a week" habits (e.g. no time to take a walk in the park + read), so its a good reminder as to whether I am doing what am I supposed to do. I don't think anything can be seriously considered as a habit if it's done less than once a week.

38 minutes ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I strongly recommend removing YouTube from your phones.

I got rid of YT from my phone about 9 months ago and effectively ended my "sex video coupled with masturbation" habit. Using the browser was too much hassle for me 😄

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I feel like my days are short too. I was trying to find a way to make them feel longer, but I found that just being productive makes me feel the best about my days so I just try to read more and do other productive things. I think you're on the right track with just trying to get used to them feeling short. For me I sleep 13 hours so they literally are shorter than normal people's days. I'm trying to switch meds in the hope that it'll change, but it doesn't look too likely. Try not to look at yourself too much in the mirror. I prefer not to do it much, but I think it's about how you feel about it. Look at yourself as much as your feel you're happy with. 

Edited by Erik2.0
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@GrainSiloEnthusiast I didn't know there is an extension that can remove recommendations! Thank you, that will be so useful.

23 hours ago, Ikar said:

I started getting up at 6 consistently at the beginning of quarantine. I notice I am hardcore about it even now, because whenever I am out, I make an effort to hit the sack around midnight, so I get up before 8. People sometimes almost reflexively ask me/poke fun at me as to why I get up so early and don't drink much and I tell them every time: "Because that's how I want it.

@Ikar I love your answer and I will say the same if they ask me :) I love getting up at 6, Last few weeks I was consistently waking up at around 6:30, 6:45, and I am quite happy with going to sleep before midnight.
@Erik2.0 I feel my looking in the mirror is not that healthy, that's why I mentioned it so I become more conscious about it. On the lighter note, I am just really excited of the prospect of losing fat around my belly and lower backside, I want to see it badly 😄 

Entry 31 (day 51) - Another productive day guys. 

  1. washed the dishes
  2. helped my father with barbecue
  3. studied for 6 hours
  4. meditated

We had a small celebration for my brother's birthday again (now in my father's house), so we made a barbecue. I don't know if I even mentioned her until now, but I also have a little sister 15 years younger than me (on that note, I have a slightly older sister I, 5 years younger brother, and 15 years older little sis, 4 of us in total). Anyways, my little sis is getting into puberty and now she is argumentative and moody like crazy. She instigated a fight with everybody and I ended up taking her to her room so she takes a chill pill while she was basically screaming. I did everything in total control and I am satisfied with how I handled myself, I didn't shout, I didn't trow insults, but that elevated stress from her screaming and foul language actually got to me and I couldn't study for around 2 or 3 hours after that (in retrospect, I should've had a home workout then). 

I really hope one day that I could be resilient to things like this - not only resilient enough to handle the situation properly, but resilient enough to brush it off as soon as a stressful situation is over. I know this is really a tall order, but my spiritual tradition says it is quite possible if you dedicate yourself to clean life, meditation and prayer.

Spoiler

It takes an opposite approach to what would today be "common sense", opposite of Nietzsche's popular idea of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". It suggests that we don't engage at all into stressful activities if it is possible, because it poisons us and leaves a negative imprint on the mind, and rather they suggest getting as pure as one can so one day, when you encounter darkness and uncontrolled passion, your goodness and self-composure will be stronger than them and so it will be untouched. 

Personally, I went through so many hardships and so many stress in my life, and I maybe got "stronger" in certain ways because of it, but ultimately I feel Nietzsche is wrong and more power comes from harmonious, loving and gentle upkeep and work, than from conflict and darkness and stress. 

Edit: I should note that by "not getting into any stressful situation" it is not meant to not face challenges in your life. Life will always be stressful and scary for somebody when a new situation arrives, I am talking about avoiding overtly negative experience like getting yelled and cursed at, witnessing abuse, being unjustly punished, et cetera. It is suggested that people engage in constructive competitive activities like sports, martial arts, science competitions and the like. It is bad if someone is too sheltered if it means he or she basically didn't have to face any hardship. I would just put more emphasis on harmony and care.

Daily gratitude - Today I am grateful for everyone who contributed to saving ancient monuments and books throughout history. 

Edited by gargamel
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Yeah losing weight is awesome when it's a healthy thing. Makes me want to eat less. 🙂 

On your Nietzsche musings. I think there's some sort of ebb and flow to resilience and handling stress. I've definitely gotten better at handling it by slowly adding a tiny bit of stress at a time. Taking on a bunch of stress at once is probably not helpful. And having no stress at all also probably doesn't help your tolerance for it either. So I guess some balanced level of gradual increase will allow for handling more stress. I think that's kind of what you were getting at as well.

Also: I would probably be stressed from dealing with your sisters tantrum too. Sounds like you have a good perspective on it. Good luck with that.

Edited by Erik2.0
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10 hours ago, gargamel said:

Edit: I should note that by "not getting into any stressful situation" it is not meant to not face challenges in your life. Life will always be stressful and scary for somebody when a new situation arrives, I am talking about avoiding overtly negative experience like getting yelled and cursed at, witnessing abuse, being unjustly punished, et cetera. It is suggested that people engage in constructive competitive activities like sports, martial arts, science competitions and the like. It is bad if someone is too sheltered if it means he or she basically didn't have to face any hardship. I would just put more emphasis on harmony and care.

I think I've been living that life ever since I broke up with my ex. I rather do things in advance and smoothly, rather than waiting for something to hit me with pain like a truck and it seems to be working for me so far, since I didn't have such a strong traumatic experience since. Becoming aware of the unaware before it deals too much damage is vital in life.

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Entry 32 (days 52-54):

I'll keep it unstructured because I am a bit impatient, restless, and a bit frustrated at the moment. 
Last 3 days weren't the best and they weren't the worst, I've done a few good things, started fixing one crucial administrative problem I have with my uni, hopefully it will be solved: 
I also continued with ridding my house of clutter, I've thrown out a lot of toys my little sister is not playing with anymore (with her permission).
Also took a lot of children books and left it to be taken for free at my public library.
Mary (from the dream in Entry 28) called and asked me to hang out, but I postponed it for 2 weeks.
Finished watching extended LotR trilogy. It was beautiful as always.
Meditated regularly.
Was a bit lazy physically, didn't push myself as much in gym, but I spent a couple of hours riding my bike so its not that bad.
My mood was oscillating, mostly because I was, again, willfully ignoring a few things, one of it being writing entries. This has to be my worst quality (willful ignorance out of fear) and the one I will have to fight against for longest.***
I decided I will be waking up even earlier than before, around 5:30 in the morning. Its going nicely for now. I like it this way.
Read Tao Te Ching for the first time. Book is absolutely splendid. Tao is totally in line with Bhagavad Gita, emphasizing unattached action, and I am in love with it.
Almost failed my 2-week nofap vow. (I still got 2 days to go)

*** I feel like I have to be more compassionate and patient with myself with this one. If I start bashing myself (and I am really close to doing it) over this big flaw I have, it will never get better because I always become just more selfdestructive.

Also, I think I am going to play around with the structure of my diary. I will start writing down my short term and long term goals so I can better keep my focus.

Daily gratitude: To be honest, at the moment its hard to feel gratitude. But I'll try to be grateful non the less. I am grateful it's summer, Im grateful that days are long and I'm grateful that my father bought a lot of fruits in the past week.

Edit (important): And while I was talking about willful ignorance I still managed to ignore important thing - I studied for an insignificant amount of time. (Wow, as soon as I written this I felt a bit relieved, and I feel like studying again. Another moment that I can clearly see that the big part of my problem with willful ignorance is coming from my instinct to keep my shame private and not sharing it with others when I make a misstep. So I'll promise to myself to always mention my mistakes here in my journals. Forgive me in advance if it ends up looking a bit less positive than before, awareness seems to be more important to me than positivity at the moment.)
 

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5 hours ago, gargamel said:

awareness seems to be more important to me than positivity at the moment

Indeed! In my case, I almost relapsed the other day because of I was restlessn and kind of impatient since last week. I literally gave up. All I have to do was to click "Play." I think it helped that I'm really aware now that I'm going to relapse compared to my relapses before. 

5 hours ago, gargamel said:

I feel like I have to be more compassionate and patient with myself with this one.

Thanks for reminding. I tend to be like this sometimes.

5 hours ago, gargamel said:

So I'll promise to myself to always mention my mistakes here in my journals.

This helps a lot. Admitting my mistakes—that I gave in to the thought of farming gold again in World of Warcraft—actually saved me from relapsing.

Good luck and take it easy, Gargamel. 😄 
PS. Now I wanted to watch LotR as well!

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@chiliflavor I'm reeaally glad you didn't relapse, keep it up bro. Also, thank you!

Entry 33 (day 55): 

Yesterday went well. I struggled in the morning as you can see from my post, but after I finished my journal I got better and in an hour or so I was studying. I studied for around 4-5 hours with short breaks, I was focused and time flied by. I probably would've studied for at least 2-3 hours more if I didn't have a meeting with my friend (she is Veronika's best friend, I mentioned her once). 

We went to a bar, but I didn't drink alcohol (I'm trying to accustom myself to not drinking at all in the long run). I ordered green tea. We had a lot to talk about because we haven't spent 1 on 1 time in a really long time (almost 6 months). She is doing well, so we exclusively had positive topics to talk about, except we talked about games for half an hour. She is an avid gamer, and I didn't want to break her flow. She talked about many games she enjoyed in the last couple of months, and I talked to her about my WoW experience before I quit. It was fun to talk about, but I also said to her that my decision not to play games is final and life-long, same as cigarettes, so I don't want to dwell on them too much. She was understanding about it.

Also, I went to see her with my bike, so I had around 1,5 hours of decently paced cardio workout. When I came home with my bike, I ate a bit and went straight to bed. And that's that. No mistakes to mention today. 

Goals for the next day - Study as much as I can (let's make it minimally 5 hours), make dinner (i already know what I am preparing), send an e-mail to 2 professors and to administration, go to gym, meditate, watch a movie before going to bed (if I have some time), and set the alarm for 5:45 in the morning (going to do this immediately)

Daily gratitude - I am grateful for having a room to myself. I am also grateful that I don't crave women/relationship as much as I did a month ago, it was a distraction. I'll have time for women later.

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Hey, good to see you're still posting. Also that you're not craving women/relationships as much is good to hear. I remember seeing you go back and forth between trying to take time off of that and going back into dating. May your grip on this grow stronger. That's awesome you study for five hours a day. That's a lot. You must be learning a lot.

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On 6/26/2020 at 4:14 AM, gargamel said:

@chiliflavor I'm reeaally glad you didn't relapse, keep it up bro. Also, thank you!

Entry 33 (day 55): 

Yesterday went well. I struggled in the morning as you can see from my post, but after I finished my journal I got better and in an hour or so I was studying. I studied for around 4-5 hours with short breaks, I was focused and time flied by. I probably would've studied for at least 2-3 hours more if I didn't have a meeting with my friend (she is Veronika's best friend, I mentioned her once). 

We went to a bar, but I didn't drink alcohol (I'm trying to accustom myself to not drinking at all in the long run). I ordered green tea. We had a lot to talk about because we haven't spent 1 on 1 time in a really long time (almost 6 months). She is doing well, so we exclusively had positive topics to talk about, except we talked about games for half an hour. She is an avid gamer, and I didn't want to break her flow. She talked about many games she enjoyed in the last couple of months, and I talked to her about my WoW experience before I quit. It was fun to talk about, but I also said to her that my decision not to play games is final and life-long, same as cigarettes, so I don't want to dwell on them too much. She was understanding about it.

Also, I went to see her with my bike, so I had around 1,5 hours of decently paced cardio workout. When I came home with my bike, I ate a bit and went straight to bed. And that's that. No mistakes to mention today. 

Goals for the next day - Study as much as I can (let's make it minimally 5 hours), make dinner (i already know what I am preparing), send an e-mail to 2 professors and to administration, go to gym, meditate, watch a movie before going to bed (if I have some time), and set the alarm for 5:45 in the morning (going to do this immediately)

Daily gratitude - I am grateful for having a room to myself. I am also grateful that I don't crave women/relationship as much as I did a month ago, it was a distraction. I'll have time for women later.

That's good that you worked out and saw your friend. You're gonna notice some strong pulls to relapse around days 50-60 because you've pushed through those initial waves, saw some success, and then thoughts creep back in. So just make sure you're recognizing it and staying strong and vigilant. You're doing great. I didn't stop craving until 120 days or so. 

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Hey guys, I am still doing fine, I haven't relapsed, I'm struggling with my university but its progressing forwards. I decided I will go for one more week without journaling, deal with the exams and administration and then come back here. Nothing special is going on in my life atm except uni, which is great.

When I come back here a new important chapter will start. Basically, I'll need to organize my summer and deal with some character flaws I haven't mentioned yet, and journal will help me a great deal with that. Hope you are all doing well and I'll talk to you soon.

P.S. It's been over 60 days without gaming and porn :) I'll write my summary of the last 30 days and put a link here > ("Clean for 60 days!")  when I am done.

Edited by gargamel
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On 7/2/2020 at 7:53 AM, gargamel said:

Hey guys, I am still doing fine, I haven't relapsed, I'm struggling with my university but its progressing forwards. I decided I will go for one more week without journaling, deal with the exams and administration and then come back here. Nothing special is going on in my life atm except uni, which is great.

When I come back here a new important chapter will start. Basically, I'll need to organize my summer and deal with some character flaws I haven't mentioned yet, and journal will help me a great deal with that. Hope you are all doing well and I'll talk to you soon.

P.S. It's been over 60 days without gaming and porn 🙂 I'll write my summary of the last 30 days and put a link here > ("Clean for 60 days!")  when I am done.

This is great. Focus on school. It's so important to build your future. It helped transform my life and I'll forever be grateful to myself for the sacrifices I made in my 20s to set my life up in my 30s and onward. 

I also use this journal to focus on other issues. It's a good community. I think other communities like nofap you're almost invisible. This website is a lot better for interaction.

Congrats on 60 days. That's a great step.

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Ok, finally back to daily journaling! I missed you guys, and I missed writing here.
@BooksandTrees @Erik2.0 thank you for your well wishes, you'll hear bellow how things are going

Entry 34 (day 65): summary of studying for uni

Ok, so, the first efforts of fixing my university issues are behind me. When I consider how little I have done in the span of over 30 days (result-wise) - I shouldn't be content, but I sort of am.

So, here's the deal. I had a lot of screw-ups. First, I spent a lot of time on detailed reading of Aristotle's Metaphysics and Categories, thinking I'll prepare for my exam on Greek philosophy, and then my administration issues disabled me to even enter the exam (it's still in the process, hopefully in a week administration will be fixed, hopefully!)  Furthermore, when I was around 10 days away from the exam in advanced modern logic, I decided I cannot risk it because I have only 1 more try (I wasted my limited amount of entries when I was depressed, didn't even show up for the exam), and I had 2 more exams that I need to focus on in those 10 days.

I decided on Ethics and Neoclassicism (I have a minor in literature). I studied for both, more so for Neoclassicism because I had to read 12 books for it. (managed to read 11) Also, I already read most of the required literature for Ethics over the years (5 out of 6 books). Anyways, I have to say that I managed to prepare those 2 exams pretty well, considering the scope and depth of knowledge required to master it coupled with my limited time and disconnect from university.

And than the day of the exams came (which is today, NC was in 8 am, Ethics in the noon). Professor from NC remembered me, she was glad that I finally started studying again, and was glad that I am still enrolled. After 25 minutes of questioning, she gave me a B (which I am happy with*), and encouraged me - She said kind words, that I'll soon be back on track and will have a mastery over the material. I got an A+ on a previous course of hers so she remembers me from those "good ol' days".

And then I came home and prepared for my online exam in Ethics I should have had. And than I realized I made an another screw-up. Professor asked a month ago, in a document I didn't read in detail until today, that we should also e-mail him with additional information such as our phone number a week before the exam. I realized he won't accept my incomplete application and I sent him an e-mail of apology, saying that I will apply for the exam in September. He replied and thanked me for my apology.

So, after all 30 days of, first trying to study, then actually studying, all I managed to do was pass a single exam. I still haven't sent some important e-mails to professors regarding my long-over-dued papers, I ain't even sure they will accept**. Furthermore, I still haven't been able to solve administration issues, mostly because every e-mail i had to send required me a lot of inner energy to overcome my shame and anxiety and frustration, so when I got a reply I postponed making the next step for at least a day, if not a week. Not out of laziness, but anxiety. I haven't been lazy in quite some time. But despite all of this, I am happy. Mostly because I applied continuous effort as much as I realistically could. I didn't give 100%, but it was a strong effort. Also, I am happy because I didn't collapse from anxiety attacks in the last couple of days. It seems I can deal with it better and better.

* I am happy with the B, which I wouldn't be few years ago. One of the worst parts of my self-sabotage was my perfectionist ego and ridiculous idea that I should have straight A's, or at least have a feeling "I've given it my all", which is an even worse perfectionist category. It's sad for me to think about, but I probably would have my masters degree already if I was able to crush my ridiculous ego and accept lower grades in the past. I paired my depression with my senseless ambition. I self-sabotaged and didn't go to the exam even though I would certainly pass it, because I probably wouldn't get an A.
** If they don't, I'm kind of screwed. And because of that fear, I am reluctant to send e-mails, similar to a sick guy who fears he has cancer so he doesn't go to the doctor. I'll send them over the course of the next week, wish me luck. I'm 90% certain I they will accept me, but 100% anxious they won't xD

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for the encouraging words of my professor, and for all the energy I managed to channel into something constructive

Edited by gargamel
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Welcome back. I wouldn't worry about the "immediate" fallout that hits every gaming addict after they quit. I think the biggest "events" that happened two weeks after I quit gaming were that my X stopped communicating with me completely and that I got fired from my post-office job, because I wanted an irregular schedule/work hours. Take ownership of your problems and solve them, but don't get worked up over the fact you created them in the first place, because you were different a year or two ago and had different priorities.

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Hey @Ikar, thanks for the advice. I know it in theory, but I have to constantly remind myself to fight the inner voice that wants to bring me down. Only time it is completely mute is when I meditate and a couple of hours after meditation. I created my problems, I take full responsibility. I also know what to do to try to fix them, and I want to fix them real bad. So all i have to do is give continuous effort and all those problems will be a thing of the past eventually.

This summer is promising. First summer of my life that I  have a strong sense it will be productive and healthy.

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Hey. Good to see you. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much anxiety that you weren't able to go to some exams because you wouldn't get an A. That's a real academic struggle you're dealing with. Good job finishing that one class and getting a B though. I'm glad you're feeling good about how things went overall. I think your professor is right and you'll be better and better as time goes one. Good luck.

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13 hours ago, gargamel said:

But despite all of this, I am happy. 

Remember that long post I wrote to you a few weeks ago when you thought you were going to blow that opportunity and everything? I'm glad you listened. You're on your way now. I hire people at engineering firms. We don't ask GPAs. We ask more cognitive things and how they interact with others, etc. You saved yourself. Take pride in that and continue the momentum.

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10 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much anxiety that you weren't able to go to some exams because you wouldn't get an A

@Erik2.0 Gladly, that's behind me. Anxieties that I struggle with for the last few months are coupled with shame. Exams are in my head "walks of shame" even though they are the opposite. I bet all of my professors see me as either really mentally unstable or totally "out of it"/immature. I guess the first part cannot be denied, I was really mentally unstable for years. 
@BooksandTrees I remember! That was difficult moment for me, I am so glad you came with some good common sense!

Entry 35 (day 66)


Not much to say. I already talked about the important things that happened. The rest of the day I spent resting. Listened to some music, meditated, chatted a bit with my father, my older sister and her boyfriend, and went to bed.

I feel pretty good today, I am well rested and energized. I count this to be my "first day of summer", and this summer I have a lot of important goals:

  1. First and foremost - send emails to administration and send e-mails regarding my papers. This should be done in the course of the next week.
  2. Study for exams and finish/write the papers. I'll organize my summer studying by making detailed and structured book notes, and then only study from the notes for a few days before exams.
  3. Work in bike-delivery service around 3-4 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, its a brainless job, incredible cardio - perfect for a student. (I already worked this job a year ago)
  4. With that money, pay for getting my driving licence. My father said he will help me financially if needed.
  5. Enroll in Judo or Jujitsu class - I still didn't decide which, next week I'll go for a tryout workout and see how it goes.
  6. Go on a 5 to 10 day trip to Mediterranean seaside, my father was born there and we have a house. I plan to relax there, meditate and swim a lot. There's some chance I'll ask out some tourist girl for a date there.
  7. When I come back, intensify my studying and eventually spent the whole September going from exam to exam. This will be exciting if I prepare adequately!!
  8. Edit: I almost forgot to mention - I'll be translating a chapter of the book from a catholic philosopher Edward Feser for guys that have recently established a new institute for philosophy and religious studies. 

This is more than enough to keep me occupied for the next 3 months. Sadly, it seems I won't be able to read a lot outside of my curriculum -- Ideally, I wanted to read Milton's Paradise Lost, Homer's Iliad (didn't read it since high school, Odyssey I read in uni, it is one of my favorite books), finish Lord of the Rings (still didn't read the whole thing, cannot wait), Valmiki's Ramayana (holy hindu epic, started reading it a few weeks ago), and Dante's Purgatorio and Paradiso (I wanted to read them as soon as i finished his Inferno 5 years ago, cannot believe I still didn't read them). But as it seems, i'll be glad if I manage to read one of them.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for every second that I am alive on this planet. Also, I just noticed - my intellectual curiosity* is back in full swing, I am grateful for that as well.

* I read a lot and thought a lot in the past 5 years, but it was an obsession and a distraction, I wasn't excitedly curious for a long time, depression and anxiety took it away.

Edited by gargamel
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1 hour ago, gargamel said:
  1. First and foremost - send emails to administration and send e-mails regarding my papers. This should be done in the course of the next week.
  2. Study for exams and finish/write the papers. I'll organize my summer studying by making detailed and structured book notes, and then only study from the notes for a few days before exams.
  3. Work in bike-delivery service around 3-4 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, its a brainless job, incredible cardio - perfect for a student. (I already worked this job a year ago)
  4. With that money, pay for getting my driving licence. My father said he will help me financially if needed.
  5. Enroll in Judo or Jujitsu class - I still didn't decide which, next week I'll go for a tryout workout and see how it goes.
  6. Go on a 5 to 10 day trip to Mediterranean seaside, my father was born there and we have a house. I plan to relax there, meditate and swim a lot. There's some chance I'll ask out some tourist girl for a date there.
  7. When I come back, intensify my studying and eventually spent the whole September going from exam to exam. This will be exciting if I prepare adequately!!
  8. Edit: I almost forgot to mention - I'll be translating a chapter of the book from a catholic philosopher Edward Feser for guys that have recently established a new institute for philosophy and religious studies. 

I'm with you especially on those goals I bolded out, I want to get started on them as well. All of them sound great!

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That's a nice book list you got there. Philosophy is an interesting thing to be into. Lots of different ways of thinking. I just saw my clients dad reading the lord of the rings book yesterday. It's a popular series. Jiujitsu is fun. I just tossed my old gi and rash guard. I'm officially past training. But good on you going for it.

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@Ikar Awesome :) I suggest you to make notes in Word or Notepad, it's way more convenient than pen and paper. That way you can use its search engine.
@Erik2.0 Philosophy is such a vast venue that I will certainly have enough to read and think about as long as I am alive. Especially now that we are finally intellectually connecting East and West. Thousands of years of culture, arts, spirituality and thinking :) As for Jiujitsu - was it an injury that stopped you from continuing?

Entry 36 (day 67):

Again not much to talk about! Simple day. I have:

  1. Written my journal entry
  2. Washed the dishes
  3. Went grocery shopping
  4. Listened to hours of talks from a master yogi 
  5. Made dinner (Curry with chicken and mushrooms, it was phenomenal, my brother and father devoured it)
  6. meditated for an hour

Highlight has to be the dinner, but all in all - it was a feel-good, relaxing day. Peaceful and positive.

Some musings and self-observations: I am amazed how much better I am in handling my emotions and thoughts in general than I was a year ago. I still have good days and bad days, but good days are better then they where before, and bad days are not as bad as they where before. Even when I end up dwelling on some problem too much and notice my inadequacies and insecurities, I never feel completely hopeless like I sometimes was in the past. Oscillations between confidence and doubt, between hope and hopelessness are less extreme and smoother. Also, my ability to divert attention from negativity has vastly improved. Worst days where definitely those that I skipped writing my entries because I wasn't satisfied with myself, but even there I know I made a big improvement - in the past, such "downward-spirals" would last for at least a week or two, while I mostly managed to break them after a couple of days now. Incremental positive change is starting to become really noticeable.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful that my own room has became my favorite place to be. For years I have hated it, always wanted to get out as quick as possible, studied in coffee shops and libraries. I only liked staying in it with my GF, because of sex and cuddles, of course.

 

Edited by gargamel
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I'm pretty limited in my philosophical studies. I just read the Bible. I don't tend to feel okay reading anything else. But it's okay I get by alright and at least have some spiritual philosophy. I injured my back doing jiu jitsu. I was going to go back anyways once it stopped hurting so much. But my mom told me not to and was against me training because it was injury prone stuff for me. So I stayed away. Now I lift weights in my garage and do yoga at home. It's pretty chill. A lot less intense than martial arts. I'm glad things are going well for you keep it up.

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@Erik2.0 Technical philosophical knowledge is valuable, but not necessary for a person to live well. A lot of times people use their philosophical knowledge and intellect only to dig themselves deeper in unhealthy, destructive opinions and attitudes. So, I am usually hesitant to even recommend getting into philosophy to some people. Being that you love reading the Bible, maybe you can read about lives of famous saints? St. Francis of Assisi and St. Augustine of Hippo might interest you, there are thousands of books written about them. Of course, search for those that where written by pious people, published by christian publishing houses.

Entry 36 (day 68):

Yesterday was more or less the same as the day before:

  1. done dishes
  2. went to the gym
  3. made dinner
  4. meditated 
  5. did laundry

I planned to send a couple of e-mails, but I postponed it out of anxiety. Gladly, I've done it today in the morning. I still cannot believe but - my main administration problem is fixed; which means I'll be able to enter all needed exams in the fall. I finally mustered up some strength and sent it, and it was done in less than an hour. I cannot believe, I am so happy. This problem is a couple of years old, and finally its fixed. 

This was my main source of anxiety, because it could've ended up costing me "everything", I could've ended up being rejected from university. This would be life-altering in a really negative way. Gladly, I can study for my fall exams, maaaybe even finish my 4th year if my other e-mails (about over-due papers*) are not rejected. If I end up finishing my 4th year this September, I'll be in cloud nine. 


* I still didn't sent e-mails to professors regarding papers. I will do it later today or tomorrow, at least those that I don't have to first prepare for by reading a book not to sound completely clueless about the subject.

Daily gratitude: Obviously, I am beyond grateful that my administration problem is fixed. I was on the verge of tears a couple of times already. Probably gonna "break down in joy" in a couple of days when it sets in, lool.

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Thanks I'll try to checkout the saints and the books about them. That might prove to be good reading for me. I'm glad things are going well with your education. Getting that degree is so helpful for your career.

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