Brian's Journal

[Phoenixking]

OMFG look at that! You absolute beast!

[ceponatia]

On 4/27/2020 at 5:36 AM, Phoenixking said:

OMFG look at that! You absolute beast!

It's amazing how much that it's changed. I used to think that I couldn't write music simply because I was lazy or something. Aside from obviously gaming and drinking too much, I think a big reason was just that writing music with a mouse and keyboard isn't organic whatsoever. Having an instrument that for the most part people have used for hundreds of years has changed the whole process for me.

[ceponatia]

Updates are almost once-a-week right now but I know that this journal is more for me than anybody else so I get to it when I get to it, haha. Been very absorbed in music... I haven't done much work on the podcast yet because I'm now having issues getting the microphone to work but it'll be sorted out soon, I'm sure. I signed up for a workshop (online, of course) yesterday on two programs called Orca & Hydra. Orca is a midi program which uses its own very basic programming language to control external instruments. You can create some really spacey computerized-randomness with it, it's been a lot of fun! Hydra is similar but it's for video editing. Like Orca, it uses code to manipulate images and patterns on your screen which can then be projected during a live performance or something. I believe it uses Javascript so if you already know that, it should be easy to figure out. I'm new to it so have only scratched the surface. What's really cool about it is it's browser based so you can play with people all over the world live.

While doing research on Hydra I stumbled across the page of someone who used Orca with the Unity game engine to do live visuals for their music. I hadn't even thought of using game development environments for something like that but it does logically make sense. Games are just visual representations of code... a game engine doesn't TECHNICALLY have to be for a game if you code it to do something else. Definitely going to look more into that. Maybe something good can come of my background in gaming after all. Lol

Anyway, that's my weekend. See you next week. 🙂

Edited May 4, 2020 by ceponatia

[BooksandTrees]

30 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Updates are almost once-a-week right now but I know that this journal is more for me than anybody else so I get to it when I get to it, haha. Been very absorbed in music... I haven't done much work on the podcast yet because I'm now having issues getting the microphone to work but it'll be sorted out soon, I'm sure. I signed up for a workshop (online, of course) yesterday on two programs called Orca & Hydra. Orca is a midi program which uses its own very basic programming language to control external instruments. You can create some really spacey computerized-randomness with it, it's been a lot of fun! Hydra is similar but it's for video editing. Like Orca, it uses code to manipulate images and patterns on your screen which can then be projected during a live performance or something. I believe it uses Javascript so if you already know that, it should be easy to figure out. I'm new to it so have only scratched the surface. What's really cool about it is it's browser based so you can play with people all over the world live.

While doing research on Hydra I stumbled across the page of someone who used Orca with the Unity game engine to do live visuals for their music. I hadn't even thought of using game development environments for something like that but it does logically make sense. Games are just visual representations of code... a game engine doesn't TECHNICALLY have to be for a game if you code it to do something else. Definitely going to look more into that. Maybe something good can come of my background in gaming after all. Lol

Anyway, that's my weekend. See you next week. 🙂

That's awesome. I was going to record my animation in Unity one day since I could make my models into characters and just move them around for certain things. It's a useful software for sure. Good luck. I'm gonna hire you for sound for my cartoon one day lol.

[ceponatia]

On 5/3/2020 at 9:51 PM, BooksandTrees said:

That's awesome. I was going to record my animation in Unity one day since I could make my models into characters and just move them around for certain things. It's a useful software for sure. Good luck. I'm gonna hire you for sound for my cartoon one day lol.

Lol hopefully I'm good by then!

I joined this Discord channel for a guy who does YouTube sound design tutorials and have actually met some great people on there which... to be honest aside from here at Gamequitters I haven't really met people I've liked in a really long time on the internet lol. Like, a decade. So many trolls. He introduced me to a pretty cool Twitch community of musicians. It didn't occur to me that there were people doing stuff besides gaming there but people will always find new ways to be creative with stuff. Was watching a channel yesterday that was doing live 15-30 minute challenges that were quite fun. I re-did the voiceover for an Orange Clean commercial using random sound effects along with about 15 other people lmao. Some people just recorded their own voices over the video but I went kinda wacky with it and changed everything to cheesy bass noises. Lots of fun, I'll probably check that channel out again in the future. I was really paranoid about submitting what I made to be played live on Twitch because I'm still quite new but it got a lot of laughs which was my intention so that was surprising. I'd post it here but I'm not sure how to get the video and audio to export together, he was playing the audio clip and syncing the audio up manually in his DAW on stream.

I also discovered the usefulness of "reference tracks" when making music. I'd always heard about this but wasn't quite sure how people used them. Basically you pick a song you really like from the genre you're trying to produce and keep it on a separate audio channel in your mix to kind of base your own mixing off of. You're not trying to recreate the same song, it's more to make sure your frequencies are in the right areas for the genre. Once you're more of a pro at it you don't need to do that but it's definitely invaluable for beginners like me.

[ceponatia]

Hi! Been a while. A lot of things have happened but I don't have a lot of time right now. This is just a brief update because it's been so long since I've posted that my journal has almost made it to page 3 of the archive.

Yesterday I hit 2 years sober from alcohol. I didn't even notice because lockdown has my days blurring together so badly. It's been a weird couple of years. You really start to age (in a good way) once you stop hiding from your feelings and all of your problems. For those of you who are quitting gaming I can say that the two are very related, neurochemically, and it's so worth it. It's hard at first... probably the hardest thing I ever did... but now I can't even imagine going back to my old life.

[ceponatia]

Now that I have a bit more time to sit and write, I'll post a real update on what I've been up to. This will be a longer post and I don't expect many people to read it but it serves the secondary purpose of helping me organize my own thoughts in a place where not many people will read it so I can just say what's on my mind.

I'm prone to designing projects or experiments based on things I read and ideas I have at 3 AM. Two weeks ago I decided to experiment with extreme emotional control and asceticism (the opposite of hedonism). While I can't remember the thoughts I had that inspired the idea, part of it is due to how much time I've spent on the internet. While I've met several great people whom I enjoy talking to and genuinely learn from, the internet at large is a toxic place and brings out my worst qualities. I frequently say things I regret later. Over the last couple years I've developed a feeling of shame whenever I engage in social media or something like that... even if nobody argues with me but it is exacerbated if they do.

Controlling my emotions isn't the same as being emotionless. That isn't possible without the use of psychoactive compounds which, from my experience, don't truly remove emotion but rather amplify the bad ones. A better way to describe it is controlling my emotional reactions and impulses. As we're all addicts here, I'm certain you all understand the appeal of impulse control. I've attempted to control my impulses in the past but I've never taken a logical approach to it such as this. I was always clenching my fists and trying to force myself to not do something rather than examining what was going through my body and alleviating it through reasonable analysis and then taking action based upon my conclusion.

It's been tough and frequently confusing. I've had far more realizations and thoughts than could be summed up in a forum post. For example, if I'm controlling my emotional reactions and most conversation is an emotional reaction to loneliness or the feeling of wanting to fill silence, I spent many days not communicating with anyone. I've relaxed my grip on that and have come to believe that connection does serve a logical purpose when there's a goal behind it. Why am I writing this post, for example? There's no baseline reason for me to even come here and write anything. Trying to help other addicts would be a selfish emotional reaction and also quite futile, realistically. However on further thought, I realized that I have learned many things from some of the people here and the exchange of knowledge and ideas is always a good thing... and quite objective.

It's been awkward, of course. As I said: while I can control my emotional reactions, I can't control my emotions. I've stopped laughing or smiling at people's banal jokes they tell in order to get a reaction that validates their existence and it's uncomfortable to say the least. It's my own fault; I've always been the kind of codependent reactionary who makes sure people feel as though they are funny and interesting so that they like me. Now that I've gone to the other extreme, everybody thinks my mother has died or something. I look like I must be miserable when in reality I'm quite content.

I've changed the way I write both in music and my blog. I've made a conscious effort to not use emotional words, discuss things from an opinionated or emotive viewpoint, and have tried to be more concise and blunt in my prose. I've been well known for self-indulgent, drawn out descriptions and exaggerated measurements when writing. Now I try to say what I want to say with as few words as possible, while still maintaining interest. It's difficult. My music has become minimal and atonal in my attempt to not convey any emotion but retain interest and movement. I compare it to the Brutalist architecture of the mid 20th century: formal and functional with no extravagance. One might ask why write music at all but music has benefits beyond provoking moods from studying to increasing cognitive activity for the writer (and some theorize the listener as well but this is widely debated).

In many ways this is a return to a lifestyle I tried to pursue as a teenager. It was then an attempt to insulate myself from abuse and trauma whereas now it's to develop a more precise mind. I don't expect to do this for the rest of my life but hope that I'll learn some skills through the process. I can't claim to keep this up 24 hours a day and with everybody I meet but I'm doing better than I expected. The metrics I use before saying something, either online or in person, would be valuable to all people.

1. Do I simply want to say this or is it something that should be said?

2. Would anybody in the audience care?

This eliminates the majority of worthless comments in my day.

Edited May 20, 2020 by ceponatia

[ceponatia]

I'm not a very political person, I just answer questions when asked and when I see someone say something crazy I sometimes can't help myself. That's part of the reason I took up the whole "emotional control" experiment.

I was banned (well, told to leave) a Discord server and the Twitch channel I watched for music theory yesterday. Everyone was saying that looting is a good thing and I simply disagreed. I was attacked quite irrationally and emotionally and I said I didn't want to argue about it because nobody appeared to be willing to listen to me. They then said that I was the one who doesn't listen and told to leave which, call me crazy, is exactly what I said would happen. It's fine though, I knew it would happen eventually as over time the streamer and admin of the Discord proved himself to be very emotionally unstable and banned people for asking simple questions or disagreeing with him quite often. It's crazy that you can be called a racist simply for being against the destruction of other people's property.

Two things I read later gave me some context into their mindset: white people shouldn't tell minorities how to protest (somewhat fair but nobody in the conversation was black, I also think the recently popular catch phrases that white people shouldn't ______ and men shouldn't ______ are disgusting and quite obviously expose the fact that the people behind them aren't even remotely interested in honesty or equality) and there is no right way to protest because by its nature protest shouldn't obey the laws of the system it is protesting. Also a good point but I still think that destroying other people's livelihoods is a bad thing and historically is the act of Utopian ideologues who eventually turn to fascism. If you're okay with hurting people who simply disagree with you (and they actually have no idea if the people they're hurting even disagree with them, it's not like they're asking them at the doors of their shops), you're already a lost cause.

I wasn't given any opportunity to say more than I was simply against looting, though. I've learned this is a quite common practice of the radical left which I used to be a blissful member of. I was an anarchist in my late 20's (after being a Neo Nazi in my teens and early 20's so I apparently had some things to figure out) and did a lot of the things that people are now doing. I also acknowledge that it's not actually the protesters who are doing the looting, it's selfish people who are taking advantage of the situation. That said, some protesters are still applauding the looters on social media and defending them. That casts a shadow over people's credibility and I think it will ultimately destroy the entire movement. It's not possible to sustain a popular uprising when you don't have popular support.

Just getting that off my chest. I don't really have any other place to vent frustrations besides my blog and given how people have been behaving there, I know it wouldn't be a good idea. Isn't that weird though? We have to pretend to agree with people instead of being honest because we might hurt their feelings and we know that they're not emotionally capable of hearing anything they don't agree with. That said, if you disagree with me feel free to say so. If you have good reasons I'll consider them. They're just words and most of the time people don't even say what they really believe anyway. They can't... they don't know what they really believe.

 

Edited June 2, 2020 by ceponatia

[Ikar]

I guess there is a reason why some channels have politics banned as a topic. It is somewhat funny that people get worked up over something where the maximum amount of their influence ends by throwing a ballot in a couple of times every decade.

The last paragraph stirs two thoughts. Some of the old Greek and Indian philosophers wrote something along the lines that if you want to be good at something, you need to be grown up for the job from childhood by people who recognized and worked with your talents and that no job is beneath the other. But because the belief is that there are some jobs that are beneath others, so good rulers cannot bring up good rulers and good workers cannot bring up good workers. Nowadays, in attempt to create some sort of "justice", everybody at school has the same curriculum from 5 up until X (it's around 15 here, because one must have elementary education, I don't know about other countries) before you can individuate.

The other point is that there is no real support system to help you individuate and oftentimes the thing you want is not the thing you need and vice versa. I think that makes us fail anything a lot more than if some system of sorts would be in place to help us out. It'd surely explain your personal political involvement in your 20s 😄

As for the situation in the US, Manson wrote an interesting text about it.

[ceponatia]

On 6/4/2020 at 4:57 AM, Ikar said:

As for the situation in the US, Manson wrote an interesting text about it.

I'm a fan of Mark Manson's which isn't surprising as I think by now we've both discovered we have similar tastes in literature and speakers! I listened to an audiobook of his main book but don't remember a lot of it beause it was an audiobook. Some of his stuff seems a little elementary if you've been reading philosophy for a while but that's not to discredit him; there's absolutely a place in the world for people who use "edgy" (I dislike that word but I can't think of a better one at the moment) marketing strategies to teach newcomers the basics.

"Sure, riots have been happening since America was founded but our riots are more real and important!"

People get so swept up in these movements and then in two months nobody remembers they existed. Part of the problem is that they never have leadership or direction (a problem intimately familiar to the political left). They want things to change... okay... how? Who is going to be responsible for doing that? What will it take to make that happen? It should be apparent from historical examples (not even distant ones) that shouting on main street and burning down liquor stores doesn't get much accomplished. Don't get me wrong, and I almost don't want to write this because I think it's ridiculous that people have to explicitly state it lest they be doxxed and assassinated, I support the right to protest and completely agree with the movement's message. I just don't think it'll work.

On 6/4/2020 at 4:57 AM, Ikar said:

Some of the old Greek and Indian philosophers wrote something along the lines that if you want to be good at something, you need to be grown up for the job from childhood by people who recognized and worked with your talents and that no job is beneath the other.

I agree with that as well. The documentary Jiro Dreams of Sushi is a decent modern example. He's been making sushi for something like 60 years and both of his sons have been raised making sushi so that they can take over the business. They're god tier sushi chefs and they just work in a tiny little shop in a subway station. Westerners don't have that kind of dedication to anything. Too much freedom maybe. When you're little, somebody asks you what you want to be when you grow up and I know for me there were so many possibilities I was frozen from the amount of choices. Maybe knowing what you're going to be doing from a young age isn't so bad... provided everyone is paid fairly (which hasn't been the case in socities which operated that way).

Of course, I've been playing video games for 30 years and I'm not particularly good at them... 

[ceponatia]

Today has been an uncharacteristically good day. It was my 2nd day of the week working in the office instead of from home and it went by quickly. I got everything done and even had the ability to set some time aside to read The Myth of Mental Illness but I'm still not very far into it. I believe I've just finished the preface which isn't impressive given I've owned the book for 3 days. I'm going from not reading at all to picking the habit back up, though, so I'm not being hard on myself.

I noticed over the course of lockdown how lazy I've gotten. I won't lie to you, I've played games here and there. Much more than I'm comfortable with but still a net positive over what my life used to be like. Committing to a schedule again has been very difficult without anything to focus on most days. Even though I'm supposed to be working from home on the days I'm not in the office, there simply isn't enough work to fill even two hours with. Music wasn't occupying enough time to keep me from my bad impulses so today I dusted off my workshop in the garage and set up an electronics project. Being that all of my hobbies involved me being in my bedroom and usually in front of my computer, I figured having some in which I'm out of that environment is essential.

Even though I'm not very far into The Myth of Mental Illness its overall premise has motivated me. As I believe I said a couple posts ago, the idea that depression and anxiety are completely within the patients control has always resonated with me and sounded "most likely true". Granted there are extreme cases where medication should be used (you can't help someone if they're dead) I don't allow myself to be bullied into saying I agree with the notion that some people are simply victims of life who must bear uncontrollable depression. I've never met someone who was depressed who also had a good life. It seems to me that there is an obvious cause and solution there. I'll be my own experiment in that regard. I've certainly tried to overcome depression through habit changes before but I always slip back into my habits; I'm not at all insinuating that beating depression is a simple task, just that it's a life problem and not a brain problem.

I plan to start going to bed even earlier because I've always known that my best hours are in the morning after waking up. Nothing good happens past 10pm and I think even people who claim to be night owls could probably see the truth in that if they were honest with themselves. 

[BooksandTrees]

49 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Today has been an uncharacteristically good day. It was my 2nd day of the week working in the office instead of from home and it went by quickly. I got everything done and even had the ability to set some time aside to read The Myth of Mental Illness but I'm still not very far into it. I believe I've just finished the preface which isn't impressive given I've owned the book for 3 days. I'm going from not reading at all to picking the habit back up, though, so I'm not being hard on myself.

I noticed over the course of lockdown how lazy I've gotten. I won't lie to you, I've played games here and there. Much more than I'm comfortable with but still a net positive over what my life used to be like. Committing to a schedule again has been very difficult without anything to focus on most days. Even though I'm supposed to be working from home on the days I'm not in the office, there simply isn't enough work to fill even two hours with. Music wasn't occupying enough time to keep me from my bad impulses so today I dusted off my workshop in the garage and set up an electronics project. Being that all of my hobbies involved me being in my bedroom and usually in front of my computer, I figured having some in which I'm out of that environment is essential.

Even though I'm not very far into The Myth of Mental Illness its overall premise has motivated me. As I believe I said a couple posts ago, the idea that depression and anxiety are completely within the patients control has always resonated with me and sounded "most likely true". Granted there are extreme cases where medication should be used (you can't help someone if they're dead) I don't allow myself to be bullied into saying I agree with the notion that some people are simply victims of life who must bear uncontrollable depression. I've never met someone who was depressed who also had a good life. It seems to me that there is an obvious cause and solution there. I'll be my own experiment in that regard. I've certainly tried to overcome depression through habit changes before but I always slip back into my habits; I'm not at all insinuating that beating depression is a simple task, just that it's a life problem and not a brain problem.

I plan to start going to bed even earlier because I've always known that my best hours are in the morning after waking up. Nothing good happens past 10pm and I think even people who claim to be night owls could probably see the truth in that if they were honest with themselves. 

It happens dude. At least you're honest about it and know you don't want to do it again. You're also taking a good perspective. You admit it happens, but also admit that you don't want to let it keep happening. You're showing the correct blend of accountability and honesty. Being in the office will be a great change for you and I think having a schedule again will be paramount.

[Ikar]

8 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I agree with that as well. The documentary Jiro Dreams of Sushi is a decent modern example. He's been making sushi for something like 60 years and both of his sons have been raised making sushi so that they can take over the business. They're god tier sushi chefs and they just work in a tiny little shop in a subway station. Westerners don't have that kind of dedication to anything. Too much freedom maybe. When you're little, somebody asks you what you want to be when you grow up and I know for me there were so many possibilities I was frozen from the amount of choices. Maybe knowing what you're going to be doing from a young age isn't so bad... provided everyone is paid fairly (which hasn't been the case in socities which operated that way).

Of course, I've been playing video games for 30 years and I'm not particularly good at them... 

I think having someone to guide you if you decide to go really heavy into one thing (anything you do daily for a few hours) is vital in order to be successful. The weird thing is Westerners somehow take their pride in their freedom to be compulsive on their own, instead of channeling it into something useful via an apprenticeship. I think I'd be actually better at the games I used to play than I was before with putting less time into them.

8 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Even though I'm not very far into The Myth of Mental Illness its overall premise has motivated me. As I believe I said a couple posts ago, the idea that depression and anxiety are completely within the patients control has always resonated with me and sounded "most likely true". Granted there are extreme cases where medication should be used (you can't help someone if they're dead) I don't allow myself to be bullied into saying I agree with the notion that some people are simply victims of life who must bear uncontrollable depression. I've never met someone who was depressed who also had a good life. It seems to me that there is an obvious cause and solution there. I'll be my own experiment in that regard. I've certainly tried to overcome depression through habit changes before but I always slip back into my habits; I'm not at all insinuating that beating depression is a simple task, just that it's a life problem and not a brain problem.

As much as I like giving second chances, if I am getting to know someone and I run into the type "I can't do X because I am depressed" or "I wish I had it as easy as you do" of roadblocks, once these pass a certain threshold, I start feeling immense disdain towards that person and I know it's time to leave them. I don't hold a grudge against depressed people, (in fact, I was likely one of them, though never diagnosed) but nobody gets to hold themselves hostage by a condition. 

8 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I plan to start going to bed even earlier because I've always known that my best hours are in the morning after waking up. Nothing good happens past 10pm and I think even people who claim to be night owls could probably see the truth in that if they were honest with themselves. 

This week's been in a slight disarray as far as my waking time goes, but during the quarantine I got used to going to bed at 2200-2300 and getting up by 600. I found out I work best when there's light outside!

[ceponatia]

On 6/6/2020 at 4:04 AM, Ikar said:

This week's been in a slight disarray as far as my waking time goes, but during the quarantine I got used to going to bed at 2200-2300 and getting up by 600. I found out I work best when there's light outside!

It's just logical when you think about it! If willpower dwindles as the day goes on, of course we're going to get more done in the hours after we wake up and are recharged. I suppose saying "nothing good happens after 10pm" is a bit untrue as some people work nights and sleep all day so they could feasibly have their best hours after midnight. I've never personally met anyone who worked midnights who really had their shit together though, on second thought.

[ceponatia]

On 6/5/2020 at 8:12 PM, BooksandTrees said:

It happens dude. At least you're honest about it and know you don't want to do it again. You're also taking a good perspective. You admit it happens, but also admit that you don't want to let it keep happening. You're showing the correct blend of accountability and honesty. Being in the office will be a great change for you and I think having a schedule again will be paramount.

Thanks for the reassurance. I agree, too. Life for everybody has been in disarray lately. It's difficult to force myself to have a positive routine when I have almost no responsibilities. It's almost over, though. At least for my office.

[ceponatia]

It occurred to me after studying for a class and trying to research the sources of a few lecturers I've been listening to (such as the ever popular Jordan Peterson) that being intelligent is rather difficult. I think that anybody can achieve a pretty high level of competence and insight but it requires more work for people like me than the people who enjoy reading scientific journals all day.

This is certainly due to how I've programmed my ego over the last 30 years to seek out instant gratification and leisure activities over activities which require critical thought and memorization. Is it something that can be undone? I'm still not sure but I'm trying to find out through self-experimentation. The impulse to laze about and do nothing is only part of the problem. When I decide to sit down and focus on something my mind wanders without warning frequently and I don't notice sometimes for many minutes. One method I've thought about to combat this is to actively take notes. If I'm writing there's not much of an opportunity for my mind to stray from the task at hand because I have to consciously be in control of a physical part of my body while thinking at the same time. I have to admit I haven't tried this very much even though I came up with the idea almost a month ago. Last night my excuse was that I didn't have a fresh, empty journal which is a nonsense excuse. A blank page is a blank page. Why do I and so many others feel that we need a clean slate all the time? We'll start TOMORROW. We need an EMPTY JOURNAL. We can't start using a planner because IT'S NOT THE FIRST OF THE MONTH. Etc ad infinitum.

That's the goal today. Heavy note taking as often as possible. We'll see how tired I get.

[mks]

35 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

It occurred to me after studying for a class and trying to research the sources of a few lecturers I've been listening to (such as the ever popular Jordan Peterson) that being intelligent is rather difficult. I think that anybody can achieve a pretty high level of competence and insight but it requires more work for people like me than the people who enjoy reading scientific journals all day.

This is certainly due to how I've programmed my ego over the last 30 years to seek out instant gratification and leisure activities over activities which require critical thought and memorization. Is it something that can be undone? I'm still not sure but I'm trying to find out through self-experimentation. The impulse to laze about and do nothing is only part of the problem. When I decide to sit down and focus on something my mind wanders without warning frequently and I don't notice sometimes for many minutes. One method I've thought about to combat this is to actively take notes. If I'm writing there's not much of an opportunity for my mind to stray from the task at hand because I have to consciously be in control of a physical part of my body while thinking at the same time. I have to admit I haven't tried this very much even though I came up with the idea almost a month ago. Last night my excuse was that I didn't have a fresh, empty journal which is a nonsense excuse. A blank page is a blank page. Why do I and so many others feel that we need a clean slate all the time? We'll start TOMORROW. We need an EMPTY JOURNAL. We can't start using a planner because IT'S NOT THE FIRST OF THE MONTH. Etc ad infinitum.

That's the goal today. Heavy note taking as often as possible. We'll see how tired I get.

I know those feelings. Stephen Guise books help a lot on that. Reading Elastic Habits right now. It's really great on building
habits so far (from getting started to feeling like having something accomplished) 

What I found out is that one problem is dopamine. When we are a lot into social media, porn etc. we are not so sensetive to
normal dopamine sources. It's also a problem of willpower. We need more willpower when we are trapped in distractions.
We need a lot of energy and willpower to rewind from one dopamine source of instant gratification to one that is more of
delayed gratification. What I found out was that it needs 1-2 weeks without overstimulation and instant gratification and
creating new delayed gratification habits. But the first 1-2 weeks are willpower intense. The moment we get that dopamine
hit from delayed gratification that's the moment when things get easier, because the subconcious mind will kick in because
of dopamine. Normally we need less willpower at this point. 

I am working on that too right now. The steps I will work on is cold turkey on most distrations and all-in on delayed gratification
activities, investing a lot of energy and willpower to make them stick. But normally we should not need so much willpower.
It just that we have to fight against the mind wanting to go back to instant gratification.  

Also think about coffee. Watch the videos of Alex Becker on coffee on YouTube. I am not drinking coffee anymore 
and it helped a lot with focus (when I don't mess around with my sleep schedule, not meeting friends, etc.). With 
coffee I was anxious and stressed all the time. Without my mind is way more calm and I can make better decisions.

The ego is tough. I have the same problem. For me I got into spirituality a lot which can also be kinda ego driven
because "I want to feel good". Nothing against meditation but it can also create  lot of benefits for doing nothing. When 
we miss to manifest it in the real world eg. working out, talking more to people, opening up meditation and spirituality is kinda 
more to build the ego and not really practical. Same with self help books. When we fail to implement they are kinda useless.

Nothing trumps real world experience. I also hope this can be undone because it made me horrible as a person... not taking
action was my main problem although I had most of the information needed. Most painful thing I suffer from right now...
fcking regret 😆

Edited June 10, 2020 by mks

[ceponatia]

Regret is pretty big in recovery. Since I also have the alcoholism in my past I definitely have done a lot of horrible things to people that I have to think about all the time.

I'll check those books out. I read a few books on habits (The Power of Habit is a good one), the Stephen Guise one sounds similar. I also have known for a while that I need to quit caffeine but it's such a big part of my life it's almost as hard as quitting beer was... except with the added negative that if I don't take it for 2 days I feel like I have the flu and can't stay awake. Lol

[mks]

For me the negative side effects lasted for 7 days after quitting caffeine. The first days are tough because of 
the headache but the positive effects are worth it. I was sleeping the first 3 days like crazy 😄 Best to do this
on vacation 😃. My antisocial part, always in fight mode around people is way better  without caffeine.

Can really recommend it but it's tough the first week of withdrawl and sometimes I feel like
I need some coffee but I don't wanna risk the bad side effects. So staying without caffeine is ways
easier after some weeks. All in all I feel way better without it. It's worth a try!

[Kuymak]

On 6/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, ceponatia said:

Regret is pretty big in recovery. Since I also have the alcoholism in my past I definitely have done a lot of horrible things to people that I have to think about all the time.

Maybe it’s possible for you to make amends to people you treated wrong. It could be a way to get even with your past. But it’s a very sensitive thing to do. Maybe it’s possible to do something for this people without letting them know. I don’t know, it’s just an idea.

[ceponatia]

On 6/10/2020 at 5:22 PM, mks said:

My antisocial part, always in fight mode around people is way better  without caffeine.

Can really recommend it but it's tough the first week of withdrawl and sometimes I feel like
I need some coffee but I don't wanna risk the bad side effects. So staying without caffeine is ways
easier after some weeks. All in all I feel way better without it. It's worth a try!

Definitely the same for me. I'm very angry when I've had too much caffeine... which is quite often!

On 6/13/2020 at 6:07 AM, Kuymak said:

Maybe it’s possible for you to make amends to people you treated wrong. It could be a way to get even with your past. But it’s a very sensitive thing to do. Maybe it’s possible to do something for this people without letting them know. I don’t know, it’s just an idea.

 

It's a good idea and making amends is definitely a big part of the recovery process. I've made amends to all of the people I can without it being burdensome to them but your idea of doing something anonymous is something I hadn't considered. I think I will do that.

[ceponatia]

Greetings, humans.

Crazy times in the US right now, and I suppose in many parts of the world. I've been keeping my nose buried in research for school and enjoying the (finally) sunny weather. Still feeling pretty exhausted most of the time but I'm trying to see if I can build up a tolerance to it by forcing myself to be more active. I read somewhere a long time ago that that's a thing... but I don't think it really is. I'll try anything though.

[Phoenixking]

14 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Greetings, humans.

Crazy times in the US right now, and I suppose in many parts of the world. I've been keeping my nose buried in research for school and enjoying the (finally) sunny weather. Still feeling pretty exhausted most of the time but I'm trying to see if I can build up a tolerance to it by forcing myself to be more active. I read somewhere a long time ago that that's a thing... but I don't think it really is. I'll try anything though.

Keep it up man!

[chiliflavor]

On 4/14/2020 at 6:56 AM, ceponatia said:

Here's what I'm working on this week. Drum kit was made using sounds I recorded with my phone (I am still waiting for my microphone to be delivered). Synths and bassline were done in Reason 11. The chord progression is just a preset run through a noise gate but I designed the bass by hand. I don't like the snare drum but that's the best one I could get out of the sounds I recorded; I'll probably try to get a new one for the actual assignment copy of the mix. I think that one was a can of coke dropped into a bin, lol! Learning a lot in these classes!

Very inspiring!! This is my dream to create music! 😎🤘 I should start researching now haha! 😂

 

Edited June 25, 2020 by chiliflavor

[ceponatia]

I was reading through some of my older entries in this thread and it's amazing how much I've changed just in the few months since I've been coming here. Stuff like this is useful for reminding us that we're always improving because day-to-day it can feel like we're just doing the same thing over and over. Not the case at all, though. Small improvements here and there add up to huge changes down the line.

Uni has really picked up in difficulty. I've finally started some actual cybersecurity courses and even though it's the field I'm choosing to go into, I know almost nothing about it. That's kind of what interests me about it though... I'm learning something completely new. I've always been "good with computers" but this is a completely different branch. School is an adjustment because I think in the "non-academic" world we fool ourselves into thinking there are right or wrong opinions or known facts about things. Not the case at all. In researching most of the papers I have to write, there is no concrete answer and I have to form my own opinion based on what research is available. It's taxing. Despite what we think, nobody really likes thinking for themselves. It's hard. Even when we do think we have an original opinion it's usually just something we've read or heard and we're repeating it without knowing. Kinda crazy when you think about it.

I've completely abandoned my liberal political roots. I was hanging on to the notion that sure the mainstream liberal ideology has shifted to borderline fascism but I'm a "true liberal". I'm not, though. When the lines move, you move with them. I'm now fairly conservative. Lol. I'm okay with it. I mean... that said... I still find some aspects of socialism appealing and definitely support things like BLM and true feminism... but being a liberal in 2020 is simply embarrassing. Besides, when you just talk to people and are open to their opinions you realize all of that stuff is just bullshit anyway.