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dirac

Dirac's Journal

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Hey guys,

I finally decided to write a journal here. I used to do it on a nofap forum. There I did it for like 70 days and then stopped because I felt like I dont need it anymore and I am proud to say I am at day 163 and its going great! 

So I thougt if it helped me this much on nofap, maybe it will help me with nogame aswell. 

I actually had been "clean" for about 2 weeks before I started to game again on monday. The week prior to that I was on vacation with my girlfriend and I felt so amazing on that vacation. I felt like I am actually alive again. I was interested in the world, in history, science and philosophy again. I just felt so good and read every evening. I didnt even watch netflix or youtube or anything. I felt calm, at peace, in love with the human existence.

But when I came home on monday after about 10 hours of traveling I thougt it would be justified to game because I was really tired and exhausted. Big mistake! I gamed for like 8 hours on monday then I gamed for another 10 hours on tuesday and already felt really bad and depressed again. Today it only got worse when I started the day with 3 hours of gaming. It only got worse when I stepped on a scale before my shower and I realised that I lost 4kg of muscle. This hit me really hard. I stopped working out regurlarly about 2 months ago and while gaming this much I also forgot to eat sometimes or just ate tiny snacks so I didnt meet my calorie requirements. Gaming just keeps on destroying parts of my life that I thougt I had under control.

So welcome to my daily journal. I will try to post every day, more for myself but I would love it if I could inspire others a little. I will talk mostly about how I felt everyday and what I did. Wether I was getting closer to my goals or just general stuff.

My goals right now are:

Train hard ! I will do the wolverine workout plan for the next 10 weaks and see where it gets me.

I also want to start reading again, and read for atleast 1 hour a day.

And I want to learn chinese for 20 minutes a day.

And I am sure there will be more that I will figure out on my way.

Kind regards

Dirac

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So the worst day went horrible because I can start straight from day 0 again as I woke up with a cold and all my initial motivation went out the window. I still struggle quite a bit with replacing game time with meaningful other stuff, especially now during my holidays. My plan was to work out alot and hard but now I have to wait till I recovered from my cold. I am actually thinking about starting to workout anyways and just go a little light and see how it goes. I am always scared its gonna make my cold worse somehow but I never really tried so far.

 

Hey Adminiculum, thanks for the wishes. I am an udergrad physics student, sadly I dont have any advice on hardmode nofa, because during the whole time I was in a relationship and went easy mode so to speak. But so far I think nofap and no game go very well together partly because for me having bad games in league always drove me to porn to feel better somehow. For hardmode nofap it would probably make sense to quit gaming aswell or whatever drives you to fap in the first place.

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I am quite embarassed to be honest. I started this journal entry thing, completely determined to stop gaming and then because I got sick I fell into a hole of gaming again and didnt even post once in this journal. I decided that from now on I will post everyday even if I am gaming and I will try to include the hours I gamed (if I did) just to keep tabs on my gaming problem. It really fascinates me in some way that I have so much trouble with it. 

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Ok first day passed.

I kind of enjoyed that day to be honest. I didnt have anything to do as I still have holidays and I am still sick so I really just gamed all day - about 10 hours. I didnt really do anything else. I didnt even cook I just ate leftovers from yesterday. I had quite some moments where I got really mad while playing dota where I was thinking about quitting again. But I am not that sick anymore and on monday I am starting a new workout routine.

Im kind of torn apart at the moment to be honest. Somewhere between wanting to stop gaming and not being sure if I really want to quit because I just dont know if I can actually fill this gap in my life. But tomorrow I am buying some furniture for my room and I am gonna redesign it. Im planning to make a real comfortable reading corner, maybe this will get me to read more. I am also putting it where my computer is right now, kind of hoping that due to some psychological effect it will still draw me into that corner of the room even when the computer is somewhere else. 

To be honest I am not even sure how I feel at the moment. I am not feeling bad but I am also not feeling great. I think quitting is always easier when you kind of hit a rock bottom because it gives you a lot of momentum in a way. Its really hard to quit when you are at a place that you can tolerate. In the end what do I want for myself? Do I want to have an amazing live, successful happy, being a strong smart man or do I want a chill live, kind of mediocre but in a way happy ? Lots of thougts in my mind right now but I am still planning to stop gaming.

 

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Second and third day passed.

Sadly I didnt find time to post yesterday as I was so involved in non gaming activities 🙂 . Yesterday I vistited a seminar at uni where they talked about founding start ups. It was interesting maybe I will do one some day. After that I went to Ikea with my dad and my girlfriend. I redesigned my room and got myself a beautiful reading corner. Today I spent about 2 hours reading in it already.

I can proudly say I did not game at all in those two days. 

Today I had a tiny breakdown when I realised how amazing the first half of the year went. From january till june everything went great. I was healthy, happy, exercised a lot and was successful in live and uni. But then in july after my exams I felt like I studied so hard that I deserved to game and just chill for a while. This turned into two months of no exercise, bad food, up to 12 hours of gaming per day and completly tossing out my good habits. 

Why did this happen? I think it all comes down to the fact that if you once had a problem with gaming or smoking or whatever you are always at risk of falling back into it. You always have to be super careful with it. Its kind of like not smoking for half a year and then having a cigarette while drunk at a party just to wake up with a huge craving and eventually giving in.

What I took from this thougt is that you never "made it". You are always gonna be struggling with stuff like that. Even if you went to the gym for 5 years straight. If you stop going for whatever reason you can lose the habit and then eventually the progress you made. From now on I will be more cautious.

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Fourth day passed.

Today was a really awesome day. My girlfriend was here the whole day and worked on some uni stuff while I was basically reading all day. I started a book called "the success principles" by Jack Canfield and its so amazing. I have had it since like 7 years and I read a while in it when I was like 18 but I couldnt really put what I read into perspective and didnt know what to do with it. I also didnt really apply the principles back then. But by now I have different attitudes towards this stuff. There was an exercise in the book about finding your lifes purpose and writing it down. I found it quite interesting how my views changed on it. Life does change you after all. When I was 18 I was really lost in life and at kind of a bad place. But since I started studying physics my life improved a lot.

Later in the book there was an exercise about visualising your ideal life. It was a very powerful exercise that I spent about 40 minutes on. I never asked myself such deep questions for such a long time it was very interesting and also scary. Why was it scary? I think the fact that I wrote it down kind of made it real in a way, like its something that I can now fail at or something that my success in life will be measured against. Very odd that something like an ideal life scares me but I guess it just puts pressure on me as a human being because I now know where my top is. Many people including me stop dreaming when they grow up. "Be more realistic" is what people tell us or "one in a million can do that why should that be you when there a smarter and better people than you?" . I think we should start dreaming again no matter if we are 14 , 25 or 45 years old.

I can proudly say I did not game at all today!

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So monday and tuesday passed.

I didnt find time to post again though, so I am doing it now. Those 2 days actually went really well. I went to a friends birthday and monday, spent time with my girlfriend on tuesday. I also went to boating school on monday and to the gym on tuesday. 

I did game on both days but only about 1-2 hours with a friend. I considered the way I gamed a healthy way of gaming that I can deal with, if I can keep it up like that 🙂

I also read a lot on both days which I am quite proud of. The reading corner pays of so far!

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