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Sarma

Nenad's Journal, a journey to a fulfilling life

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I wish you luck and I want to say that I felt incredible anxiety and depression when I started university, and it lasted for something like 2 years... It was a horrible experience but a therapist and a less serious outlook on life helped me a lot. Also, from experience, cats can be great company in dark times. 🙂 Now I've only got a gaming addiction to overcome. Never give up, you are on the right track!

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@Elite333 Thank you! It's a relief when someone tells you you're doing good. I hope that you're on the right track as well. Good luck with your gaming addiction. 

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Making my own decisions - Day 21

It's been a pretty average day today.

I went to work(barely got up), then after that I went to talk with my copywriting course guide.

The place and the whole bussiness school looks really professional, like super professional.

The woman which I talked to was very nice, and she just looks very happy and motivated to praise their program and their school. 

I have another course in mind, which is more of a personal course. And is also cheaper. I prefer it, because i think I'll learn more. 

I sent the application for the second course today. I will pick one by friday. 

I'm happy I'm making decisions for myself. 

I haven't achieved anything, but its a good start I think. 

Yeah, maybe copywriting won't suit me. But I'll give it a shot anyways, i need to try. 

That's all from me. 

Have a nice day people! Don't give up. 

 

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Going on vacation on saturday - Day 22

I've been working everyday this week, except tuesday. 

It's been annoying. I have to get up at 5:30 every morning. 

The upside is i get to think less, and just work.

I've been a lot more relaxed because of that. 

Anyways, I'm going on vacation with friends on saturday. I just hope its all gonna go well. 

I really want to have a good time, and connect more with my friends. 

As for my emotions:

I've been getting mild depersonalization. 

Insecurities about the future and overthinking a bit. 

Overall, nothing major. 

 

I'm gonna go to bed now, really tired. 

Have a wonderful day guys! 

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Vacation day !!! - Day 24

 

Finally got enough sleep last night and today I've been packing all day. 

I'm leaving in about an hour and I wanted to write my journal before I leave.

Nothing special really happened yesterday and today.

Mostly been sleeping and working.

About the copywriting course, I got in and I will start it in september.

I'm so happy about it and I feel like I have some peace finally in my mind.

When it comes to my mind:

I'm still having some depersonalization, but I'm kind of used to it right now.

Mild anxiety, but mostly I feel better right now. Almost normal.

 

In other news I had 2 wet dreams last night. Yes two.

One when I took a nap and one when I went to sleep. I'm not mad really, I couldn't control it.

I have a bit lower energy and lower sexual libido, but nothing I haven't experienced.

I just don't want it to affect my social interactions on vacation.

 

So about vacation:

Me and like 20 more friends are going to a place called Djenovici in Montenegro.

We are staying there till the 1st of august.

Haven't ever been there, but hopefully it'll be fine.

My number one goal is to improve my relationships with women.

Other than that I just don't want to pick up bad habits like smoking for an example.

 

As always guys, have a wonderful day! I'll update you when I get the chance.

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I hate this shit already - Day 25

Fuck man, anxiety has started to kick in. 

I'm also getting some home sickness. 

I tried to enjoy the day and drank wine and smoked some cigs. Just made me more anxious. 

Now I know to never drink or smoke again. I'm done with that shit. 

 

I just want to have fun, but I'm not sure I know how. 

I'm gonna try as best I can to write daily agendas, exercise and write this journal. Hopefully that will be enough to keep me sane. 

If you guys have any tips for dealing with home sickness please do share. 

I've been having thoughts of watching porn and playing video games, but I can't quit. 

I really want to enjoy this vacation and hopefully I will by the end. 

Have a nice day people! Stay strong. 

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Nice to see you distancing from alcohol and cigarettes. As for finding a fun activity, be sure to try anything you can. A lot of the time stuff that seems boring can prove to be much more interesting.

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On 7/21/2019 at 5:20 PM, Sarma said:

I hate this shit already - Day 25

I just want to have fun, but I'm not sure I know how. ... If you guys have any tips for dealing with home sickness please do share. 

Do stuff with your friends, that's what holidays are for. Get together and go for a hike, explore the small towns around, find some locals that speak english, ask how's life there and so on. Imagine you're 15 and explore :) Be enthusiastic and smile a lot and the the locals will like you and you will like them, works everywhere!

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Really, really sick - Day 27

Caught a virus yesterday. 

Been laying in bed ever since. 

Threw up 2 times. 

Low apetite and super low on energy. 

What an amazing vacation haha. 

Hopefully I'll feel better by tomorrow. 

Nothing really else to update you guys on. 

I'll write when I get better. 

Bye. 

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30 days!!!!!!!! 

Damn, it's already 30 days.

I don't think I've gone this far without games since childhood. 

I don't think I've changed much so far. 

But the main thing that keeps me going is open mindness I feel without games. 

To be honest, my main issue feels more like mentality issue than an addiction. 

Basically, I just feel insecure, and I've been insecure my whole life. 

When I get home from vacation I'll see the psychiatrist I've been talking about. 

I'll also do a full health examanation so I can exclude any physical illness. 

I'm scared, I'm really scared I'm losing my mind and that I'll never feel ok again. 

Anyways. 

Vacation has been enjoyable in a way. Ever since recovering from the sickness a couple of days ago, I've felt more relaxed.

The atmosphere of a new environment is helping me think differently. 

I have this good familiar feeling from childhood. Like everything is fine. 

Friends also bring this constant atmosphere of company.

 

About my depersonalization.

I still feel it mildly, and sometimes its more expressed. 

That's my main fear right now. 

It feels so terrible. It's like you're not alive, like your thoughts aren't yours. 

Fuck man, i hope it's not permanent. 

Have a nice day everyone. Keep it going. 

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I just want to share with you that I've been in dark places and at times I felt desperate for a solution too. Many times. I urge you to not stop, to seek help with the doctor or counselor you have found and also try to help yourself if you think it could work for you. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great someone in my personal opinion, it's not a miracle, you need to work on it but it gives results when you put in the time. 

I've felt hopeless and I'm grateful that I didn't stop this detox process, because in the long run it gave me pieces of my life and self back. I believe the same will happen with you and I wish you it.

You're really not alone, remember it.

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Day 32 - Present and future

So what I want to talk about is my constant worry for the future. 

Most people get caught up in the past, but i get caught up in the future. 

And thus never live in the present. 

I'm just constantly day dreaming. 

I never just stop and say fuck man, lets enjoy life a bit. 

So, basically I don't know how to enjoy life. It's not a familiar feeling to me. 

I'm just gonna have to learn over time. Because right now I don't have solution. 

You could say that In a way, I don't know who I am. 

Maybe I'm just overthinking again. Fuck. 

Vacation's been nice.

I'm not doing anything special. 

Just enjoying the atmosphere. 

Vacation has sort of reset me mentally. 

I think about stuff that isn't related to my home. 

It's like I exited my head for a while. 

Like you're not thinking about stupid shit. 

It's been a productively unproductive vacation haha. 

I thought I was gonna want to go home after a couple of days, but actually I want to stay for a prolonged period. 

Together with quitting games and porn, going on vacation has been the most productive decision I've made in a while. 

I feel like my mind is finally healing atleast a little. 

Depersonalization is lower as well. 

Overall, I'm happier. 

Have a nice day everyone. 

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Day 35 - Going home tomorrow and perspective

This vacation went by fast man. 

I went on this vacation planning to improve my social skills. 

But instead I focused more on my perspective. 

I don't know if it'll last, but this vacation has given me a different perspective on life. 

My problems seem tiny now compared to 10 days ago. 

I just don't want to think about some of my insecurities anymore. It feels so tiring. 

I want to live life. 

So when I get back home I want to just do everyday like it's the last day ever. 

I want to enjoy the present for once. 

As for my social skills:

Did I learn something new?

No. 

But being around people every day has loosened me up a bit socially. 

I feel like that's enough. 

When it comes to women, to be honest I'm just not interested right now. 

Maybe it's because of NoFap or maybe it's because of my current busy mind. 

Whatever the case, I do not give a fuck. 

If I start thinking about how I don't have a woman, its going to spiral out of control and I'm just gonna waste my day/days. 

Time is the most valuable thing that a person has and I just don't want to waste it anymore. 

At the end of the day, life's biggest questions have only one answer. 

Life's a bitch and then you die. 

And that's fine with me right now. Seems like a good answer. 

I'm honestly more happy with that answer than searching for another one. 

Because at the end of the day we aren't supposed to know the big questions, we aren't supposed to meet god. 

Searching for certainty in life will only bring you misery. Uncertainty is what makes life interesting. 

Am I ok now? 

I don't know, I never will probably and that's fine. 

The mind is a dangerous place, don't spend too much time in it.

The greatest people who walked this world all were great doers, not thinkers. 

Yes, they were smart, they made an idea, but they didn't let that idea eat them up. They didn't let an idea turn into a what if. 

They put in the work and made their idea a reality. 

There's this great guy on twitter called Ed Latimore. I recommend everyone follow him. 

He has some great philosophy when it comes to life in general. 

One of the things he says is happiness is being financially secure enough to live life how you want to live it. You can also live a happy life with well managed money, he says. 

That thought really got me thinking. 

Money doesn't bring happiness. Money is a tool that you can use to be fulfilled and in the end, happy. 

So, basically I don't want to overthink shit no more. It's time to live life and live a fulfilled life. 

I strongly recommend you follow ed and subscribe to his newsletter. He has some really eye opening opinions. 

 

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you also have a different opinion of yourself after reading this. 

Have a wonderful day, and never settle for less than you're worth. 

 

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Really good to hear how much you've grown in the last few days! I remember seeing a video that was incredibly nihilistic once, going on about some character who's life was unhappy and meaningless, and went so far as to state that happy people were simply faking happiness since they were in the same situation.

But it's not about the situation you're in, it's how you choose to live in it. Provided you have basic necessities and satisfying social relationships (which doesn't necessarily include romance), happiness becomes a choice, whether you want to get stuck in and stress things, or if you want to live in the moment and ennoy yourself.

I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to lecture you or anything ehe, but I'm very happy to hear you've grown like this.

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Speak freely I'm open to criticism 

Thank you for the support! I hope you grow a lot as well in the coming weeks. 

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Day 38 - Back home and thoughts

 

Came back home yesterday morning. 

Yesterday happened to be my birthday, so I was greeted very nicely by my family.

Later that night we all went out for a family dinner. 

It was overall nice, it's just that my thoughts kept wandering.

I was thinking about what I was going to do in the next month or two.

Because I can't just be working and be lazy at home. 

So I'm thinking now of going to kickboxing.

I think it would be beneficial in multiple ways.

Physically, mentally and socially.

So yeah I'm going on monday or tuesday to this kickboxing club to see If I can join and try out.

Also, on monday I'll be going to the psychiastrist and hopefully I'll have a good talk with her.

As for my physical health, I'll do a full evaluation in the near future. I need to set a date with my doctor.

 

While I was going home from my uncle's today I had a thought pop up about what's the difference between left-handed and right-handed people. 

I'm left-handed so I was quite interested, because there's a lot of myths obviosly.

Sadly that curiosity back fired because I had an anxiety attack. Turns out left-handers are more likely to develop schizophrenia, hahahahahah.

Fuck man, I was trying to avoid that topic. The more I find out about schizophrenia the less I want to know.

I'm not even gonna talk about it, you already know how I feel about it from my previous posts.

 

I'm kind of sad vacation is over. I got used to it.

Now, it's back to the real world. 

But, I'm glad it happened. I learned a lot.

I have a "straight head" and a different perspective.

 

The copywriter course starts in september and I'm going to use the next month to earn some money and start kickboxing.

I need to fill my day with as many activities as possible, because I'm constantly in my head.

 

I have a constant fear that this will be all for nothing in the end. But fuck man. I gotta keep going.

See that's always been a problem with me. My mom knows it well from when I was a child.

I never believed in myself. And it has all culminated in the past 2 months.

CONQUER THE MIND CONQUER THE WORLD.

Even though I don't fully believe in my abilities, it's gotten better recently. 

I feel like I can, It's just about realizing that feeling.

Ed Latimore says you need 2 years to become good at any part of your life.

I'm 19 right now and It's going to be much easier if I start now than later. I need to face my fears head on and become a man.

 

What I'm grateful for that happened since I quit gaming and porn:

  • New friends
  • New environments
  • Better mentality
  • Need for new experiences
  • Confidence
  • Love for my family and friends
  • Living in the present not the past

 

Have a wonderful day guys!

 

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Day 39 - Laziness and a possibly new habit

 

Hello guys.

Today's been pretty uneventful.

I sadly didn't make an agenda for today because I was still in vacation mode.

I pretty much spent half the day thinking I'm mentally ill, bla bla bla, you've heard it before.

I felt very disconnected and I just wanted something I can relate to.

What I did was binge watch a bunch of youtube videos about video games.

Do I want to play now? Yeah a little.

Honestly I'm not mad, I was feeling pretty down, and just for a moment I wanted to feel at home.

During my lazy day a positive thing that occured to me is that I DON'T want to waste time like this anymore.

I want to have a full day of stuff to do, preferably out of the house.

So yeah I'm excited to go kickboxing next week and start working again.

I'm really happy I'm thinking in a different way, I don't want to waste my time like this anymore.

 

When it was around 9 pm I decided I was too bored and that I was losing it.

I went out and decided I was going to get some cigars. I always wanted to try them but never got myself to do it before.

What attracts me to cigars, is that they're a form of art. They're carefully hand made to be the best tasting.

On the contrary cigarettes are factory made and contain a ton of unknown chemicals.

Honestly I was expecting to be dissapointed, I thought it was going to be like a cigarette.

The cigar felt amazing. The flavor you get in your mouth from the smoke is to die for.

It's no where near like a cigarette.

It felt like it activated my taste buds more. I felt this satisfaction in my whole head.

I ended up smoking the whole cigar for 40 mins or so. And I enjoyed every second.

I was really enjoying life in that moment, it was perfect.

I don't know if I'm gonna become a cigar smoker, but damn it's beautiful.

Hey, If anything, it would be nice if I could use cigars for some stability in my life right now. 

I hate uncertainty, and maybe that little certainty in a cigar everyday is gonna help me.

I don't know, I'll keep you guys updated how it goes.

 

Going to sleep now.

Have a wonderful night and never give up.

 

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Day 41 - Mental health and new interests

My mental health has been more stable since i started working. 

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist for next thursday. 

I'm starting to think I'm just over exaggarating my feelings. 

Maybe these are normal and healthy thoughts for someone who's going through a lot of change. 

I feel like I'm overthinking stuff, that's for sure. 

What I'm sad about right now is that I'm not working on my copy. 

Yes, I'm doing a course in september, but I also want to work on it alone, to get that extra edge. 

I can learn it, but I don't know how to apply it and judge if its even good. 

I feel like I need to learn to deal with things on my own, and that's why I want to try and learn copy on my own.

You'll always learn more from a teacher, but let's say I didnt have money to buy this course. How would I learn then? 

That's my issue I want to be self-sufficient. 

I feel like it's a valuable life lesson that everyone requires. 

Maybe I'm just overthinking again. 

I can have a better route than most people yet I try and make it harder or myself. 

 

 

I've started to gain interest more towards new habits.

New habits dont scare me as much as before. 

I'm planning on going to the gym this week and to start kickboxing next week. 

I feel really motivated to do it. 

Also, this week I plan on going out and meeting new people in a nightclub or something. 

Most of my friends never want to go out. 

So, fuck it I'll go alone and force myself to meet new people. 

I'm really happy with these thoughts. 

I want to push myself to action.

It's invigorating. 

 

Let me know your thoughts about my overthinking issues and my mental health overall. Also, do you think that I'm forcing myself too much, trying to learn copywritting alone? 

 

I hope you have a wonderful day, stay woke!

 

 

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Day 42 - Confidence and smoking cigars

 

For the past couple of days I've been smoking cigars and I've enjoyed it quite a lot.

I'm gonna stick with it for now.

As I said before it's different from cigarettes and it really lightens me up.

I'm not quite sure if it's ok to start smoking during my detox, but I'm enjoying it so I'll stick with it.

I've been able to relax more as well and my thoughts are more direct. I don't know if this is good or bad in my current situation

What do you guys think?

 

 

I need to start building my confidence in one way or the other.

I need to prove to myself that I am good enough and that I do have potential. It's just about realizing it.

I have an issue with wanting everything now. I can visualize success, but If I don't get it fast I feel like a failure. But I guess it's a learning process to enjoy the journey not the goal.

 

I've been kind of moody yesterday and today. I want to do so much, but also relax at the same time. 

Been pretty lazy, but I want to justify it by having to work everyday. 

I want to go to the gym, but I get so tired from work that I just want to relax.

Can't wait for september to start going on the copy course. Hopefully it will give me some much needed structure and a mentally engaging activity to my day.

 

Back to the topic of cigars. Since I started smoking I feel like I enjoy things the way they are instead of trying to change them. Present in the moment.

Again, not sure if this is a good thing. 

It's not like I don't want anything anymore. It's just that I am present, you know?
 

I guess you could say I'm enjoying life as it is :16_relieved:.

 

Have a wonderful day and good night !

 

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Awesome to hear that you're enjoying your current state! Humans are always going through phases of dissatisfaction and change followed by phases of contentment. Always nice to be able to relax.

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Day 44 - New people and taking it slow

 

Today I met a guy at work. He's about my age. He's '98, I'm' 00.

After a bit of time we both chilled out and had a nice time working together. 

I figured he is a shy type of person like me, so I guess that's why we hit it off so well. 

He even said he felt comfortable to speak with me openly. He said he felt like he knew me well. 

That made me actually really happy. 

I always felt like I'd come off cold to people. But, apparently no, some people actually feel ok when they meet me at first. 

At the beginning of work he said he didn't like the work, and was gonna work somewhere else. 

But I guess he grew comfortable with me and said he's gonna work next week as well. 

So, the point I'm trying to make here is that I'm happy I met someone who I can connect with in a friendly manner. 

I just felt before like there isn't anyone who's gonna stick around to know me better. 

This gives me confidence for future friendships. 

 

Through conversations with this guy, I found out that I need to expand my social vocabulary a bit. 

For an example the topic of music came up and I just couldn't get the words out. 

I guess I'm scared of being judged for what I listen to, so I subconsciously chose not to say much/anything. 

Sadly, it"s a habit I developed when I was a kid, because I was super shy. 

I'm just gonna have to work on it. 

He also talked a lot about his previous girlfriends and current one. 

Those stories gave me a lot of confidence, maybe this women thing isn't that difficult? 

He even said it himself: 'I don't know why these girls pick a guy like me.' 

I figured he was similar to me personality wise, so yeah gave me a lot of confidence when it comes to girls. 

 

It"s really amazing to meet new people. 

I want to meet new and interesting people like this guy was, more. 

 

Taking it slow:

I'm trying not to stress much. 

I've just been chilling and going to work everyday. I'm not trying to add any extra stress. 

Do I want to kickbox, exercise? 

Yes. 

I'll get there, It's not the time for it yet. 

Do I want to write copy? 

Yes, but I'm not ready, yet. 

Do I want to go out with friends and meet new people? 

Yes, but I just can't right now because of work and that's fine. 

Not everything is in my control and It never will be. 

So I'll let things slide, just a little everyday. 

 

I'm signing off, talk more tomorrow. 

Have a wonderful day and good night! 

 

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Day 46 - Half way through, thoughts and changes

 

45 days already, crazy. 

These days I feel have been the best but also some of the worst times I've experienced in a while. 

Other than quitting gaming and porn, Ive been going through a lot changes in other parts of my life. 

My thoughts have changed a lot as well. 

I want more social interactions, relationships, career development, physical exercise. 

Even though I haven't truly achieved any of these, I will definitely slowly improve upon these areas. 

What has really helped me so far is writing here consistently. 

Just keeping yourself accountable to write your thoughts everyday and reading other peoples journals reminds me I'm not alone. 

If I stopped now, I'd know I let you all down, and possibly demotivate you from pursuing the detox longer. 

So, no matter what, I need to complete this detox. It has to be done. 

 

I'm gonna talk about an outing i had with friends the other day. 

Yesterday I decided I wasn't gonna go to work. 

I wanted to hang out with friends. 

I have been working all week and needed some friendly interactions. 

I felt distant when we were hanging out. 

I realised that me and my friends have nothing in common anymore. 

They're all going to university and know what they'll be doing the next 4 or 5 years. 

They we're all... comfortable. 

It's sad because I felt like I was the only grown up there. 

I was surrounded by these people who have comfortable lives and are set for life, probably. 

I love each and every one of them, but now I feel like I should see other people. 

I was so down in fact that I needed to pull one of my good friends to the side, because I was crying inside. 

He knows what I'm growing through, and we had a good talk. 

He encourages me to pursue new relationships, but also to balance with my current friend group. 

I agreed. 

We also talked about other things I've been feeling, with work and life for the future. 

I'm happy we talked, I feel a lot better now. 

You just need someone to talk to sometimes, so he/she can remind you you're not alone. 

I'm glad I have friends like him I can talk to. 

We are taking different paths in life and it makes me sad that I can't connect with them anymore. 

I need to meet new people. 

People who can inspire me, and who I can inspire to do better. 

I need to meet people who genuinely want to explore the world, and not just live the standard life. 

I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but overtime I'll find an answer for this as well as other questions. 

As I said, these are some of the best, but also worst moments of my life. 

It's a constant work in progress. 

We don't know what life has in stored for us, but that's what makes it beautiful. 

Thanks for reading! 

Have a wonderful day! 

 

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Day 47 - Perspective

I read an interesting article here, and i recommend you do to. 

It helped me get a different perspective on life. 

"The big picture" 

I should stop worrying about what will happen, because in the end it doesn't matter. 

Nothing does. 

So you either try and be happy, fullfill your human needs.

Or you live trying to find that purpose, chasing short highs, and being miserable in the end. 

Some things just aren't in our control, and that's fine. 

Knowing that nothing matters... 

It's liberating. 

You are free to do what you want. Just do what you want, simple. 

Thinking too much will only lead to misery. 

So fuck that, I'm gonna live life and enjoy it. 

 

 

Have a wonderful day! 

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Day 48 - Really want to relapse

 

Over the past couple of days I've had growing cravings. 

Today was tough especially, because I didn't sleep much. 

Was working the morning shift at work. 

These are the first serious cravings I've had since starting the detox. 

I guess I need to refocus. 

I can only imagine it's going to get worse. 

So for tomorrow

I'm going to the gym for my first kickbox training. That should get my mind off gaming and activate me physically. 

Hoepfully that'll be enough to help with these cravings. 

In Thursday I'm going to the psychiatrist, fucking finally. 

 

Other than that, I've had slight depersonalization the past couple of days. Although I've accepted it more, I don't judge the feeling. 

 

Grateful for change! 

 

Have a wonderful day guys! 

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