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Nenad's Journal, a journey to a fulfilling life

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Day 6 - Sad, sad, sad

I hate my job. My relationships are failing. I hate life.

Give me some xanax and just put me in eternal sleep.

I don't want to be productive. I don't want to do anything.

I just want freedom and peace of mind.

I don't want anything else. No emotions. No stress. No love. No happiness. 

All I want is nothing.

What if I died today? Would anyone care long enough to remember me?

Would anyone stop to remember me 10 years from now, if i died?

I doubt it. Because I wouldn't be a good enough memory.

I'm worthless.

Why can't I form a lasting relationship with someone? Why is everything so shitty.

Why did shit go good for me 3 weeks ago, to just all come crashing down again.

Why can't there be something consistent.

I have so many people that I think care about me, yet I feel like the loneliest person on the planet.

Am I this worthless?

Was I ever worth it to begin with?

I bleached my hair. I'm fucking orange now. Probably gonna dye it pink soon. I don't care. I want everyone to see how big of a freak I am.

"Oh look at that idiot, faggot with pink hair". Yeah that's exactly what I want.

I want my friends to hate me. I want them to not want to see me ever again.

I want to be completely alone, mentally and physically. Just no more feelings. No more nothing.

Probably gonna take some pills and go to sleep now. Gonna spend tomorrow drinking all day. I'm gonna buy me some whiskey and wine, plus cigars. Coupled with some sad, nostalgic music, the perfect formula for a "life is shit day".

Then when saturday rolls around, I'm gonna go back to my shitty life, my shitty job, and just gonna be anxious as fuck.

"I got a feeling that im not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before im gone
I've been dreaming of this shit for awhile now
Got me high now
She dont love me but shes singing my song
Oh no
I dont feel much pain
Got a knife in my back and a bullet in my brain
I'm clinically insane
Walking home alone I see faces in the rain"

I hope I die soon. 

Because, I don't know how to kill myself.

I'm gonna start taking antidepressants in the next couple of days.

Fuck this shitty shit.

Have a nice fucking day. Bye.

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Day 8 - Relaxing

Ok, my mental breakdown has subsided ever since my last post.

I've just been chilling. Trying to avoid stress as much as possible.

I feel a lot more rational now and ready for new fights.

For the past couple of days I've been thinking of going to university next year. I think I'm gonna do it.

It's not a definitive thought yet, but we will see.

About my relationship with my girlfriend. I don't know where it's going. I don't know if it'll last, and frankly I don't care. If it works, it works.

Gonna make a to-do list for tomorrow. Gonna work out, work on my copywritting, hang out with friends/girlfriend.

I'm starting a new job on monday and I'm hoping that'll give me some much needed stability. Shit has been so hectic the past week, I just need something stable.

I've been watching gaming streams today and yesterday. I don't think it matters too much. I have a goal of quitting games and that's going to come over time. I can't instantly stop doing everything gaming related. It was the only way of life I knew. Like with porn, I'm probably gonna keep watching videos, until at some point I lose interest.

Overall looking at it now, I'm excited for what's to come. I feel refreshed and ready for it.

I'll make a to-do list for tomorrow and gonna go to sleep.

I'll write more tomorrow. 

Have a wonderful day! Bye!

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Day 11 - Really fucking sad

I don't want to do copywritting anymore. I just can't find the energy to do it. 

I just want to go to university. Get a degree and fuck all of this. 

I fucked up. I should've went to university the first time. Now I'm going to waste a whole year doing nothing,fucking around. 

Fucking great man. 

I have no goal now. All I have is work everyday, without purpose. Just nothing. 

I hate my decisions, I fucked up. I'm sorry to my family, friends and you guys here. I've let you all down again. 

Sorry for giving up. I guess I'll always be a failure. 

Sorry Mom, Dad, brother, sister, and other close family. Sorry Andrej, Raseta, Mina, Zeljko... 

letdown. 

I'm grateful for what I have now. And I'll never complain about not having something ever again. Because you can lose it all in a moment. 

Sorry, again. 

See you tomorrow forum. 

Have a wonderful day everyone. Savor every moment. 

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