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Nenad's Journal, a journey to a fulfilling life

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Day 6 - Sad, sad, sad

I hate my job. My relationships are failing. I hate life.

Give me some xanax and just put me in eternal sleep.

I don't want to be productive. I don't want to do anything.

I just want freedom and peace of mind.

I don't want anything else. No emotions. No stress. No love. No happiness. 

All I want is nothing.

What if I died today? Would anyone care long enough to remember me?

Would anyone stop to remember me 10 years from now, if i died?

I doubt it. Because I wouldn't be a good enough memory.

I'm worthless.

Why can't I form a lasting relationship with someone? Why is everything so shitty.

Why did shit go good for me 3 weeks ago, to just all come crashing down again.

Why can't there be something consistent.

I have so many people that I think care about me, yet I feel like the loneliest person on the planet.

Am I this worthless?

Was I ever worth it to begin with?

I bleached my hair. I'm fucking orange now. Probably gonna dye it pink soon. I don't care. I want everyone to see how big of a freak I am.

"Oh look at that idiot, faggot with pink hair". Yeah that's exactly what I want.

I want my friends to hate me. I want them to not want to see me ever again.

I want to be completely alone, mentally and physically. Just no more feelings. No more nothing.

Probably gonna take some pills and go to sleep now. Gonna spend tomorrow drinking all day. I'm gonna buy me some whiskey and wine, plus cigars. Coupled with some sad, nostalgic music, the perfect formula for a "life is shit day".

Then when saturday rolls around, I'm gonna go back to my shitty life, my shitty job, and just gonna be anxious as fuck.

"I got a feeling that im not gonna be here for next year
So lets laugh a little before im gone
I've been dreaming of this shit for awhile now
Got me high now
She dont love me but shes singing my song
Oh no
I dont feel much pain
Got a knife in my back and a bullet in my brain
I'm clinically insane
Walking home alone I see faces in the rain"

I hope I die soon. 

Because, I don't know how to kill myself.

I'm gonna start taking antidepressants in the next couple of days.

Fuck this shitty shit.

Have a nice fucking day. Bye.

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Day 8 - Relaxing

Ok, my mental breakdown has subsided ever since my last post.

I've just been chilling. Trying to avoid stress as much as possible.

I feel a lot more rational now and ready for new fights.

For the past couple of days I've been thinking of going to university next year. I think I'm gonna do it.

It's not a definitive thought yet, but we will see.

About my relationship with my girlfriend. I don't know where it's going. I don't know if it'll last, and frankly I don't care. If it works, it works.

Gonna make a to-do list for tomorrow. Gonna work out, work on my copywritting, hang out with friends/girlfriend.

I'm starting a new job on monday and I'm hoping that'll give me some much needed stability. Shit has been so hectic the past week, I just need something stable.

I've been watching gaming streams today and yesterday. I don't think it matters too much. I have a goal of quitting games and that's going to come over time. I can't instantly stop doing everything gaming related. It was the only way of life I knew. Like with porn, I'm probably gonna keep watching videos, until at some point I lose interest.

Overall looking at it now, I'm excited for what's to come. I feel refreshed and ready for it.

I'll make a to-do list for tomorrow and gonna go to sleep.

I'll write more tomorrow. 

Have a wonderful day! Bye!

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Day 11 - Really fucking sad

I don't want to do copywritting anymore. I just can't find the energy to do it. 

I just want to go to university. Get a degree and fuck all of this. 

I fucked up. I should've went to university the first time. Now I'm going to waste a whole year doing nothing,fucking around. 

Fucking great man. 

I have no goal now. All I have is work everyday, without purpose. Just nothing. 

I hate my decisions, I fucked up. I'm sorry to my family, friends and you guys here. I've let you all down again. 

Sorry for giving up. I guess I'll always be a failure. 

Sorry Mom, Dad, brother, sister, and other close family. Sorry Andrej, Raseta, Mina, Zeljko... 

letdown. 

I'm grateful for what I have now. And I'll never complain about not having something ever again. Because you can lose it all in a moment. 

Sorry, again. 

See you tomorrow forum. 

Have a wonderful day everyone. Savor every moment. 

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Day 1 - Feeling stronger than ever

Hello again, I'm back. Although i relapsed I wouldn't say my life was shitty during it. While gaming I managed to go to work consistently, go to the gym and go clubbing on the weekends. 

The reason I'm getting back on the grind is because I relapsed to porn as well. Before, I was on a 5 month streak(I know crazy). A week ago I was feeling pretty bad about myself and thought, hey why not watch porn. Idiot. So, anyways I've started to think negatively about myself again. I've fallen into a great depression. To be honest with you, I forgot how shitty this feels. My life has been going so well before that. I just can't let myself feel this way anymore. So, I'm back on the grind again.

I'm doing this mainly bcs of porn addiction. But gaming is a close second. Porn, because it makes me feel bad about myself. Gaming, because I can spend my time much more productively and can accomplish sooooo much if I quit.

Let me tell you guys about my social life. Damn, I've never felt this social ever. I've been going out consistently on the weekends, mainly to clubs. And IM ENJOYING IT. My friends always put me in a good mood and if there's some good music playing, i feel even better. 

What's happening with girls? Nothing much yet. I've been feeling so confident lately with my friends, I wouldn't be surprised If i start pulling girls soon.

Oh yeah, remember that copywriting course I went to? I finished it (*self aplause*). I'm super happy I managed to finish it and I started to look for jobs online.

What I Improved on the past 2 months:

-social skills

-confidence

-positive thinking

-consistency

-not ovethinking

-physically healthy

So, how was I such an idiot to relapse when everything is blooming around me? I don't know, once a dumb fuck, always a dumb fuck.

As always I'll try to write everyday here.

How are your detoxes going lads?

Please write, I'd like to see what's new.

As always, have a wonderful day!

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Day 5 - Tired of being shy, psychiatrist diagnosis

First off, I'll start with what happened yesterday

My doctor diagnosed me with psychosis, but it's not what you think. 

I don't have all the symptoms. 

Currently I only have disorganized thinking. 

I'm kind of sad about it, but also relieved. 

I finally know what's going on inside my head. 

I was prescribed some some medicine, which i need to drink everynight. 

Yesterday and today I haven't felt a change taking it. But I hope to see a difference in the near future.

I'm fine with having psychosis. I just fear it won't turn into something worse. 

My doctor fears this happening, hence she gave me the medicine. 

Did I cause myself this? Was this avoidable? Am i just incapable of growing as a person? Am i just forever stuck in my head?

I simply just don't have an answer anymore. 

Fuck man. 

Anyways, let's go to the next topic. 

I'm trying to grow socially as my main goal. 

Although i see slight improvement from time to time, I still don't think im trying enough. 

I don't know what's with that. I don' t know how to try? 

Everything just seems so draining to focus on and do. 

Can I just go one day, and feel like I actually made an improvement on my life. 

Aaah, Why am I like this, why is this life thing so hard for me. 

Is this just a withdrawal symptom, am i overthinking this? 

What do you guys think about this, please let me know your thoughts

As always have a wonderful day!

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6 hours ago, Sarma said:

Day 5 - Tired of being shy, psychiatrist diagnosis

First off, I'll start with what happened yesterday

My doctor diagnosed me with psychosis, but it's not what you think. 

I don't have all the symptoms. 

Currently I only have disorganized thinking. 

I'm kind of sad about it, but also relieved. 

I finally know what's going on inside my head. 

I was prescribed some some medicine, which i need to drink everynight. 

Yesterday and today I haven't felt a change taking it. But I hope to see a difference in the near future.

I'm fine with having psychosis. I just fear it won't turn into something worse. 

My doctor fears this happening, hence she gave me the medicine. 

Did I cause myself this? Was this avoidable? Am i just incapable of growing as a person? Am i just forever stuck in my head?

I simply just don't have an answer anymore. 

Fuck man. 

Anyways, let's go to the next topic. 

I'm trying to grow socially as my main goal. 

Although i see slight improvement from time to time, I still don't think im trying enough. 

I don't know what's with that. I don' t know how to try? 

Everything just seems so draining to focus on and do. 

Can I just go one day, and feel like I actually made an improvement on my life. 

Aaah, Why am I like this, why is this life thing so hard for me. 

Is this just a withdrawal symptom, am i overthinking this? 

What do you guys think about this, please let me know your thoughts

As always have a wonderful day!

I have had lots of mental health problems and I also have family members with issues. For me I have adhd and depression and anxiety. 

Having this kind of issues all comes down to how you deal with it. You can be Healthy in your disease or you can be unhealthy. If you take your meds and ensure stress levels are even, you will most likely be fine. In cases like psychosis and bipolar it can be a good idea to lock down your finances somehow and always know where the escape route is (like emergency ward). If you loose it, the damage you can do to yourself is limited. 

Mental illness is usually not a huge problem in itself. It’s the unpredictability and anger issues that causes people and employers to turn on you. 

My path to stop gaming was to build other areas in my life so that I did not need gaming anymore. My therapist even encouraged me to game and watch porn. Because if I stopped playing I would start drinking which is 100 times more destructive. Now for the first time in my life I have not felt the urge to game in about a month ?

be nice to yourself, focus on building healthy habits and the gaming and porn will become less important by themselves. If gaming keeps you from having psychotic episodes, maybe that’s a cheap healthy way to keep it in check? At least while you transition and transform your life

 ❤️

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@Vidar All my life in have payed special attention to my health. I always strive to eat healthy, exercise, reduce stress, etc.

What I do have a problem with is overthinking too much, hence wjy i got psychosis now. 

I agree, gaming feels like it reduces my psychosis symptoms. But I'm sure I can find a more healthier habit than gaming, to manage my psychosis. 

I feel like also gaming is one of the reasons i have psychosis in the first place. 

I don't know, only time will tell. 

Gl with your progress, you seem to be making slow but steady progress to a better life. 

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Day 6 - Things were relatively ok today

I spent my time today listening to music, watching james bond movies and going out with friends. 

I had an anxiety attack about my fears for my health. I talked it over the phone with one of my best friends. He cheered up a bit and said we should hang out later that night. 

A couple more friends came and I had a fun time, just being out of the house. 

What helped a lot with my anxiety was watching james bond. I'm quite interested in male to female relations and those movies give me a great view as to how to treat a women. 

I also took some xanax and that helped a lot as well. 

My fear is not the illness itself, but what I will lose. I want to live life to the fullest but my fears are scaring me too much.

I am building confidence a bit everyday, and i know shit's gonna be better soon. 

Goals:

Work on social interactions as much as possible, especially with females

Study to apply for university

Get a job as a copywriter

Learn something new everyday. 

 

Have a wonderful day! 

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Day 8 - Sleep, movies and social life

I don't have much to talk about. The past couple of days I've just been sleeping. Work has been so draining and the lack of sleep doesn't help either.

I've become kind of a fanatic for james bond films. I'm gonna watch them as much as possible.

I want to hang out with friends more. But since I live far away from the city and work near my town, It's hard to see them even for half an hour.

Maybe it's just withdrawal symptoms. I guess my body is adjusting to living in reality.

Have a wonderful day guys !

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Day 16 - Panic and anxiety

First of all, I want to wish you all a happy new year. I hope you all quit gaming and achieving your biggest dreams in life.

It's been 16 days already, crazy. 

The past few days have been kind of a blurr to be honest with you. I was lacking sleep everyday and went through the last week like a zombie. That's the main reason I wasn't posting anything. So for the sake of clarity I'm just gonna talk about the past 2-3 days.

So I smoke cigarettes, and have been smoking for over a month now. I smoke a pack or a pack and 1/2 per day. I used to smoke waaay before, but i quit because i got sick of it. I'm starting to get sick of it again and i think it's time to quit for good. To be honest I just do it out of habit, not even for the fun of it no more. Recently I noticed I started to give me anxiety, and not the kind of tolerable anxiety.

Last night I went to a friends house to celebrate the New Year. It wasn't anything special, and I'd like if i went to a club instead. I'm getting really tired of my friend group. There's a few people I vibe with, but for the most part that group is pretty boring and uninteresting. Sadly I'm an introvert and it's hard for me to interact with people I don't know. But, I must, and i will meet new people in the coming weeks. 

While I was there I had an anxiety attack, so I took a lorazepam (same as xanax). Things calmed down and I managed to survive the night. I'd say my biggest success that night was posting an instagram picture for the first time, hahahahaha. Yeah, sad i know. Nontheless I count that as an achievement. 

I wish you all a wonderful rest of the day and a wonderful 2020 ! 

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