Nenad's Journal, a journey to a fulfilling life

[Sarma]

Day 50 - First kickbox training, psychiatrist meeting and sex drive

 

Yesterday I went to my first day of kickboxing.

I'm so proud of myself!

I barely managed to get myself to go, but when I got there it was a lot easier.

It was great. I learned some of the basics and I got some good exercise in.

I met some new people, and yeah overall quite happy.

As expected my cravings have reduced ever since I slept more and had some exercise.

 

Although, my sex drive has been pretty high. I've been watching porn the past couple of days, not jerking off, just watching. I ain't getting any sex, so I just want to watch so I get fired up.

Like literally every girl that's decently good looking I want to have sex with. 

Obviosly this should be a positive. 

What's also good, is that I don't want purely sex. I actually want to get to know the girl before anything happens.

It's really exciting.

I'm more confident around women, I want to be around people more and just overall feel like a fucking human, you know?

Tonight, I'm going out with friends to this festival called Beer Fest. Maybe some of you know what it is.

Anyways, I want to meet some new women there. 

Need to work on my conversations, because it ain't that good. 

The goal is just to get some interesting conversations with women.

There's also this girl from my friend group I want to know better. She isn't coming tonight, but she will tomorrow.

I'm gonna work on her a bit, see how it goes.

 

I finally saw my psychiatrist.

We didn't have any deep talk. She basically got to know me better.

What I did find out though is that I'm not sick. YAY !

She also said there's no need to do a physical evaluation for any underlying problems. SO YAY!

I'm gonna go see her again next week.

She figured we should talk about my difficulties connecting with people and my transition to adult hood.

I guess my problems aren't no where near what I thought they were. 

I have a hard time fitting in and finding myself, that's basically what she's saying.

I'M SO RELIEVED. I feel 10 times lighter.

Life is fucking scary, but also good at the same time. 

There's no stopping now, I'm healthy and that's all that matters.

I will go atleast a few more times to my psychiatrist and over time we will work on my issues.

I will ultimately become the man I should be.

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY .

 

[Sarma]

Day 51 - Amazing mood and this girl

Yesterday and today was fucking amazing. 

I thought I would have an uninteresting time at the festival.

But it turned out amazing. 

So this girl who is a friend of a friend came to the festival. 

We didn't expect her, she just happened to find us. 

We didn't like the music on the main stage, so me and her went to listen to some punk rock. 

I'm not a big punk rock fan. But this girl is crazy, she made listening to it so enjoyable. 

She was so energetic. 

Later on we went to the trap music stage and had an amazing time there as well. 

I don't remember when was the last time I had this much fun. 

I knew this girl from before, but damn she's a lot more interesting than I thought. 

Later, we sat down and talked for probably about an hour. 

I usually find it hard to find a topic to talk about. But it was quite easy actually. The conversation flowed like water. 

She really made my day. 

I could listen to her all day. I spent the whole day today thinking about her. I just couldn't get her out of my head. 

Now,

I don't know what I should do with these thoughts and emotions. 

Do I have these feelings because of high sex drive? 

Is it because I haven't been interested in a relationship before, and that's why this feels special? 

Do I trully like this chick? Or is it a current emotion.

I don't know. 

Hell, i don't even know if she's interested in me. 

 

Sadly I won't be able to explore these feelings more since she's out of town for the next 2 weeks. 

The upside is we exchanged phone numbers and we both agreed it'd be nice to hang out again. 

 

I'm excited but I don't want to give these thoughts too much attention. 

I haven't been in situations like this, so I'm not gonna think of it as unique, but as like a first try with women. 

 

Be sure to leave your opinions in the comments. How have your experiences in these first steps with women been? 

What should think of as real and over exaggerated feelings? 

 

That's all for today, really couldn't think of anything else. 

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY??

 

 

 

[Sarma]

Day 53 - Good mood still, more confidence

 

Damn, I feel like the shit. 

What I need to remember is, not let this mood get to my head. I don't want to become lazy. 

I just gotta be rational and hold my head up. 

 

 

Yesterday I was with my family after getting of work. 

It was my nephew's birthday.

It was nice. 

I got him a watergun, but he got so much gifts that he couldn't even get excited about it hahah. 

I talked with my sister's husband about girls. 

I realized I don't show women that I'm into them. I need to show some affection in the future. 

I'm a pretty passive person. I need to open up more, be direct with people. 

 

Today I didn't plan to do anything really. 

My friend called our group to go for some coffee. And in the end only I accepted the invitation. 

We had a nice conversation. Talked about girls and philosophized a bit. 

He talked to me about his previous relationships with women.

It's interesting. 

Now, i got a lot more insight into women. 

We also ended up having this deep conversation about death and birth, and god. We shared some theories. It was quite interesting. 

I'm glad I went out. 

Probably would've stayed home and watched youtube all day otherwise. 

Going to my second kickbox class tomorrow. Pretty excited. 

I'm gonna fit in some copywritting in tomorrow. Need to get some work done. 

I'm excited for tomorrow, whatever it holds! Just want to improve everyday. 

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY ???. 

[Sarma]

Day 56 - Life is hard

Today my psychiatrist informed me, I have an adjusment disorder. 

Basically I adapt to new situations a lot longer than other people. 

Because of it I have symptomps that are all over the place. Symptomps like depression, anxiety and so on. 

I'm glad I'm not sick at least. I'm just going to need some time to adjust, that's it. 

 

What I mean by life is hard is... 

I don't have pleasure right now. I need to find something that'll consistently find me pleasure. 

Right now, it feels like I'm going through a brick wall everyday. 

I'm having doubts about my decisions again, but fuck it. I'm gonna go through a brick wall everyday, if it's needed. 

I'm having some cravings, not because I want to game, but because that lifestyle is easier. 

All I ever wanted was to live a stress less life. But I guess that isn't possible, atleast for now. 

Right now, what keeps me going is going out with friends and work. 

My mind is a mess right now. 

I'll try and not think about it, and just stick to my habits.

Have a nice day! 

[Sarma]

Day 57 - Nostalgia and stress

 

For the past 2 days I've been getting some above average cravings. 

What I've realized is that my biggest triggers are unplanned days and fear of failure. 

If I'm not working and don't plan to go out, it usually just turns into a sad, empty day. It's crucial that I plan and do everything i set out for each day. Or I'm going to relapse. 

Another craving problem which is even more problematic is fear of failure. 

When I sit down and decide I'm gonna do something, this overwhelming fear strikes me. I feel like I can't do it, like i failed already. 

It all comes back to confidence. These new tasks are going to be tough. I need to get through them if I want to grow. 

Or I'll live thinking what If forever. 

Fear paralizes me and wants me to go back to my comfort zone, gaming. 

I'm scared of trying to do difficult tasks. 

I feel like I can't outrun my cravings. 

I'm working on it. 

I'll figure it out. 

This weekend I'll force my self to learn some blogging skills.

I need confidence. 

I also want to walk up and start conversations with random girls. I'll force my self to do some during the weekend. 

At the end of the day... 

I should be happy I got through another day of the detox. 

It isn't much, but atleast I didn't give up. 

Tomorrow's a new day and a new challenge. 

Everything's in arms reach, all I gotta do is fight for it everyday. 

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!! 

 

 

[Sarma]

Day 58 - Getting to know myself better

 

I've realized something today about my personality. 

Over the years intentionally or unintentionally I've made myself an outcast. 

I like being different and I don't want anything to do with the mainstream. 

For an example. 

My music taste involves unpopular songs or just not mainstream. 

When my friends are doing something, i usually just dont want to do it. It's too, unoriginal. Like with me not going to university. 

Even now at work, I feel like I resonate more with my coworkers. 

When it comes to video games also, I would usually just not play what my friends played. I didn't want to connect with them in anyway. 

I'm just completely against what society has to offer. I've felt like an outcast for so long, that I grew comfortable with it. 

My psychiatrist says it has to do with not having love and affection from my dad. Mom was always there, but dad didn't seem to care much. 

I nevet thought of it that way, but my subconscious thinks different I guess. 

I like how things are.

I want to embrace myself.

I WANT to be an outcast. 

First, I'll need to find more friends I resonate with. I plan on doing this by going to trap parties. I think that's where I'll find like minded people. 

Second, I need to let loose a bit, embrace your awkwardness. For an example I could get a tattoo. 

Third, seek a skill that feels unusual, something that people won't like me doing. This one looks kind of stupid, but I want to try it out. It can be something dumb like, exp. Making rap music.            Something that'll make people jealous. 

You could say I'm entering a rebellious phase. I like it, sounds fun ?. 

So TL;DR I want to let my ego out. 

 

Have a nice day people!! 

 

 

[Sarma]

Day 59 - Enjoying company

Hanged out with friends today. 

Really enjoyed it. 

Haven't went out in a while, felt kind of isolated. 

We just talked about what's been going on, nothing too special. 

My sex drive is really high again, since I had a wet dream last night. So, I really want to interact with people. 

Tomorrow is a concert, so I might go. They're playing music that I kinda listen to. 

I should be able to fit in and meet new people. 

I'll also probably be going alone, since none of my friends want to go. Should help with my confidence. 

On tuesday I'm going out with this girl I know, just as friends though. 

Overall, starting to open up to girls more. 

Not much else to talk about, just forcing myself to do stuff. 

I've been getting heavy cravings, but the more I outlast the more confident I feel. 

I bought the gq challenge a while a go so I might start doing it again, since it will give me goals to work towards. 

It has some really discomforting challenges. 

I get sad sometimes about the future.

Will I ever feel joy like when I was gaming? 

Is it all worth it?

I don't know but I can't turn back now. 

I fucked myself up enough. 

 

Have a wonderful day! 

[Sarma]

2 MONTHS !!!!!

 

I wouldn't have ever imagined that I would last this long without games.

I've been gaming for 14 years. 

And although I'm developing slow, it's been amazing what I've learned.

Yes, I'm pretty lazy still. I let entire weekends pass by browsing the internet.

But for all those lazy days, I've had some pretty amazing ones as well.

Let's get the 90 days!!

 

I've decided to start reading.

I just bought a book called How to win friends and influence people.

I've gotten the book recommended so many times that I just have to read it.

It's gonna be tough to get me to read it everyday.

But hey I write this journal pretty consistently and I've started to enjoy it.

I hope with reading I can improve my self a lot quicker.

I haven't made huge changes in my habits, but it's the little things that count. 

And currently those little habit changes are keeping me going.

I get it.

Habits are tough to change.

And I'm not going to stress over a whole day I spent watching youtube.

I'll give myself that space, and move on.

What I definitely need to get out of the way is watching gaming videos.

When it's sunday I just go and watch gaming for a few hours. 

I don't want to game, just want to do something that's familiar, you know?

Hopefully, I'll stop as the detox gets to 90 days.

But, overall I've been pretty lazy recently, need to refocus or I'll relapse.

 

 

 

[Sarma]

Day 61 - Really good day

 

A friend from work came back from vacation. We were working together and we had a blast. 

I planned out my day today and did everything I wanted to. 

Got a haircut, read 10 pages of a book and went to kickboxing(wanted to work on blogging but only If i had time, which i didnt). 

It isn't anything too special, I'm just glad I didn't waste my time today. 

My mood has been stabilising recently. 

When I'm sad I'm not completely down and when I'm happy im not insanely happy. My dopamine feels in order. 

I hope that's true. 

What made my day today was kickboxing. 

Everytime I go I'm not motivated, but when I finish I'm glad I went. It really de-stresses me and gets my mood up. 

I'm not trying to be insanely good or something. 

I'm just trying to learn a new skill, which is always interesting. 

I remember when I was a kid... 

I was quite curious about evrything, I wanted to learn. 

I feel like that's coming back. 

It's what really makes me happy. 

A constant influx of knowledge. 

I'm going to take a psychiatric test tomorrow, to see what my strengths and weaknesses are. 

I hope I'll know myself better after taking it. Should be interesting. 

 

Never give up guys, there's a better life out there. 

Have a wonderful day! 

[Sarma]

Day 62 - Super productive

 

I had a mix up with my psychiatrist appointment. I'm actually going on thursday, so yeah cancelled work for nothing :(.

That didn't stop me from having a very productive day.

In the morning I got myself to go for a run. I don't know how. It was amazing, my mood was great for the rest of the day.

Pretty much did everything I planned.

Bought a new purse, worked on some blogging, went out with friends and read 20 pages of a book.

Reading has really empowered me I think. I woke up today excited to learn something new. I guess that's what gave me the energy to run in the morning.

I've gotten to know myself better today. Atleast socially.

Finally accepting that I'm an introvert. 

I'll face it.

I hate small talk and I hate talking to bland personalities. Those two things bring no benefit to me.

I'm now just like, if you're uninteresting don't waste my time. Let me fullfil my social needs and be done with it.

 

Finally got to work on my blogging. I might be opening up a blog soon on wordpress. Or I'll just continue here along with my daily journals.

Whatever the case It should be much more interesting than what I post here. 

I've started to like the idea of blogging. I was sceptical, but it has some nice benefits.

 

I checked out this TED talk "Start with why" today. Most of you probably have seen it. It inspired me to ask myself better questions and to give better answers.

Now I know what my path is and I feel more comfortable on it. He also has a book of the same name, which I will read after finishing my current book.

I'll update you guys on the blog next time.

For now, goodnight!

Have a great day!

 

[Sarma]

Day 64 - Sleep

 

This week has been really tough sleep wise.

I couldn't go to work today, needed some extra sleep.

Ended up sleeping from 1pm-7pm.

And I'm still sleepy.

I did do my obligations mostly. I barely dragged myself to the psychiatrist.

I did the test and I should be getting results the next time I go. I also informed them that I didn't sleep enough so they will take that into consideration.

The whole day today has been a complete blur. I'm just writting the journal to fullfil my obligations.

I don't know how I'm going to manage my time in the future. I have kickbox every monday wednesday and friday at 8 pm. 

There is no way I can get enough sleep each night If I'm working the morning shift. There's no way I'm gonna stop kickboxing though.

One solution might be to work the night shift. I can manage it. But it's really unhealthy, maybe even more than getting less sleep.

I think I'm gonna go with how it is right now. Atleast for a month. 

People are saying there should be different kickboxing plans starting september. So, I might actually get training at 4 pm for an example instead of 8 pm.

Nothing much else to say. Just been sticking to my habits as much as I can. Trying to learn something everyday.

 

Have a wonderful day guys !

 

[Sarma]

Day 65 - Wonderful day

 

Went for a morning run. Felt good all day. 

Later I watched the new doc about travis scott. Quite interesting. I recommend you to watch it even if you're not a Travis Scott fan. 

I wanted to do some blogging work today, but the site I'm learning from is down for some reason. 

At work I had a blast with these 2 new guys. Really vibed with them. I even invited them to a party I'm making next week. 

Super happy I'm meeting new people. 

I didn't know how much my world would expand after quitting games. 

I'm loving it. I don't want to be sad anymore. I dont have time to be. 

The book I've been reading, 'How to win friends and influence people', has been mind opening. Learned a lot of things about social interactions.

I'm cherishing every moment I have. 

I have a vision, and hopefully I'll make it happen by New Year. 

 

Live life to the fullest NOW guys, save yourself from pain and sadness. 

Have a wonderful day! 

 

 

[Sarma]

DAY 69 - Relapse

I relapsed yesterday. I haven't played much, like 2 hours.

Everything else is going normal. Just I added gaming back.

Feels pretty weird.

I'm gonna keep writting here, but I'll count days with gaming

So.

DAY 1 WITH GAMING

I don't have much to say except, I don't know right now.

I'll keep you guys updated with my thoughts in the next few days.

I'm probably gonna go detox again, but for now my mind is keeping me at it.

 

[Sarma]

DAY 2 WITH GAMING - Making to-do lists

 

To-do lists have really simplified my days.

Everything doesn't seem like a mess.

I can plan my gaming habits in appropriate times.

Don't feel much different about gaming, just fitting it into my habits.

I have been taking some anxiety medication the past couple of days.

I realized that I'm actually under constant anxiety.

Not gaming related specifically, but just about life overall.

I realized how much better I feel. I feel normal on medication.

It's weird.

You can become so comfortable with pain that it feels normal :(.

My doctor says I have serious problems, that constantly cause me anxiety.

She says it's mostly tied to me not having a connection with my father. Low self-worth because of it and all other problems that come with it.

I guess that's why I let go of my detox. I realised that this problem I have is much bigger than what I thought.

I don't know.

Maybe she'll tell me to quit games one day.

We'll see.

I'll take the pills. I'm accepting it.

If it will help me feel normal I'll take it for as long as my doctor would like.

Tired of constant issues.

Time to change, real change.

Don't take me gaming as a reason to game as well. 

If you have a doctor, discuss it with him/her.

Doctors understand our psyche better than you think.

Don't let a petty problem turn into something bigger. 

Take care of your health

 

If you're interested if I quit NoFap as well, no I didn't.

I'm sticking with my opinion of it being unhealthy for the mind.

Going 75 days strong with it. Feel good about it.

 

 

I want you all to have peace of mind. Have a wonderful day!

 

[Sarma]

Day 3 with gaming - quite simple

Went to bed late last night. Barely got enough sleep.

Went to work.

When I got home I slept for like 3 hours and went straight to my kickbox training.

Ironically I had no time to game, lmao.

I'm chilling right now. Trying to complete my to-do list before bed. Which includes this journal.

Sadly I don't have time to read my book or to study blogging. Just want to go to sleep.

At the very least I can write here.

Basically I haven't become an uncontrollable gaming addict yet, if you're worried, lol.

 

I'll update you guys tomorrow, there's some interesting stuff to talk about.

 

Thank you all for reading. It means a lot to me. Special thanks to @Lea, read like 6 of my posts in a row, hope you're enjoying them Lea.

 

I wish you peace of mind and a wonderful day!

[Sarma]

Day 0/0 - There's not enough time

 

Time to move on. 

Today I realised that there's not enough time to do everything you want in life. 

I know I said I was going back to gaming, but to be honest I haven't had the time to really play that much.

I had work, chores, relationship issues. There's not enough time. There never will be enough time.

That's why you need to choose what to dedicate your energy to.

I don't want that to be gaming at all. I've experienced enough of that life style.

If I commit my time to gaming I just won't have time to enjoy other qualities of life.

That's why I choose a different lifestyle. 

I'm pretty sure if things could be the same as they were we would all play games still.

In a perfect world where I had achieved everything I expect of myself, I would game.

Maybe that's an option in the distant future, I don't know.

But, it's time to move on for real, because there is no time left.

I cannot play games, and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I'm severely lacking in relationships and just overall knowing thy self.

And I know I need to develop these skills as soon as possible. 

This is weird, but. I'm not interested in gaming anymore. I'd much rather spend my time developing social skills, reading books, working out, studying.

Before the relapse, I was doing these actions forcefully. But now I realise how much I actually want and enjoy these activities.

I'm probably gonna sob up, listen to some sad music and just remember some memories. I need some closure.

This relapse was needed, for me to realise what is important to me.

I think I know what that is and I'm happy I'm closing this chapter of my life on a good note.

 

Fucking so mad at myself. So unbelieveably pissed off.

Remember that girl I talked about like 2 weeks ago?

I threw a party on saturday and she was there.

I wanted something to happen that night.

But, I was so stupid. I was so nervous that I was gonna see her, that I took some anxiety medication. And I didn't stop there. I drank like 2 or 3 beers and was like a fucking zombie the rest of the night. It didn't help either that I was sleepless from work. So instead of having a nice evening with this girl, I was like a fucking zombie and couldn't even speak to her correctly.

I couldn't make a move. The anxiety medication made me too relaxed. So, we spend this whole fucking night hanging out both waiting on something to happen. It was some of the most awkward shit I've done/experienced in life.

You know what's the worst part?

After everyone left she stayed there ALONE WITH ME. FUCK ME. I'M SO RETARDED.

sfj;dal;sdfjjldks;aftoijawrg;aelkj;agdfoioaeijwtljkgfdas

I'll remember that night forever and will forever cringe at it fuck ME.

Anyways, hope I didn't fuck it up completely. I'll ask her out in a couple of days.

;idofhs;oiweht;hkajgkjhaergkahjeraghjkragkrjh;

goodnight.

 

[Lea]

On 8/26/2019 at 3:04 AM, Sarma said:

Habits are tough to change.

This reminds me of a saying that "old habits die hard."

On 8/28/2019 at 3:19 AM, Sarma said:

Finally accepting that I'm an introvert. 

I'll face it.

I hate small talk and I hate talking to bland personalities. Those two things bring no benefit to me.

I must say that I can relate to this. I would prefer if the person with whom I am talking talks about a topic that we both have mutual interest on.

On 9/7/2019 at 4:14 AM, Sarma said:

Thank you all for reading. It means a lot to me. Special thanks to @Lea, read like 6 of my posts in a row, hope you're enjoying them Lea.

Your journal have some simple, yet eye-catching insights. I am looking forward for your future posts.

On 9/10/2019 at 5:04 AM, Sarma said:

But, I was so stupid. I was so nervous that I was gonna see her, that I took some anxiety medication. And I didn't stop there. I drank like 2 or 3 beers and was like a fucking zombie the rest of the night. It didn't help either that I was sleepless from work. So instead of having a nice evening with this girl, I was like a fucking zombie and couldn't even speak to her correctly.

I couldn't make a move. The anxiety medication made me too relaxed. So, we spend this whole fucking night hanging out both waiting on something to happen. It was some of the most awkward shit I've done/experienced in life.

You know what's the worst part?

After everyone left she stayed there ALONE WITH ME. FUCK ME. I'M SO RETARDED.

You are not alone in this. I also felt the same thing when I was with my crush at a house party. As a girl struggling with being confident of herself, I was so nervous about the things that he and I should talk about. I might be just a normal girl on the outside, but a wreck that have been hurled from the emotional roller coaster of feelings in the inside. This got so intense that I had to go to the bathroom. My crush was outside the bathroom, talking with his (then) girlfriend. Long story short, I cried for at least half an hour.

I know it can be very hard to deal with anxiety towards interactions with the opposite sex, but I want to tell you that no anxiety can define your worth and value as a human being. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but from what I believe, God has loved us through the thick and thin. There is nothing, not even a bad deed, that can separate us from His love.

Wrapping up, just remember this whenever anxiety gets the best of you: "No matter how big fear can be, there is always something that is bigger than fear itself."

Edited September 11, 2019 by Lea

[Sarma]

Thank you so much @Lea. I'm super happy you're enjoying my posts. I try to post everything i think about here.

I do believe in God. I started having faith again since I went on the detox. 

I'm gonna see the girl again tonight. I want to make things right this time. Wish me luck! 

Anxiety is very hard. But honestly I'm enjoying it. The discomfort is forcing me to make change. And so far I welcome it. 

I'll be sure to post more often in the coming days. 

Hopefully I'll read some of your posts as well. 

Good luck with the detox, anxiety or whatever other reason you're here! 

[Sarma]

Day 3 - It went well

 

Me and this girl had a great time. 

We both like each other, someone just had to break the ice.

Eventually I gathered enough courage to say that I like her, and she likes me too.

Shit was sooo much easier after that.

It turns out that it's good that I'm taking it slow. She says men are usually attacking(fast) on her. She really liked that I was taking it slow.

She said she doesn't want to fuck up this like her previous relationship. So we're going slow. And honestly I feel more at ease that way.

She's coming over in the morning to watch a movie. Can't wait.

I feel amazing.

I'd write everything I like about her, but that would probably be too much, haha. Overall I'm crazy about her.

 

80 days without porn

I cannot believe I've made it to 80 days. 

This is probably the worst drug, and I'm glad I've come this far.

My mentality has improved a lot since NoFap.

I've become so much productive and I hope to continue on that path in the coming months.

 

Copywritting course starts on Saturday! Can't wait. I hope to learn things that will help me get through life easier.

 

I'm jobless!!

I got fired. Well, not fired. There just isn't anymore work for me there.

So, I'm gonna chill today and tomorrow I'll go and find a new job.

 

On the book I've been reading:

I understand human psychology better.

I feel more confident around people and just understand them better.

I try and read 10 pages everyday. I don't exactly remember everything I read so I'm probably gonna go through it again.

But what really interests me, I'm sure to remember it.

 

Going on morning runs when I can. Running is the best drug. It's like coffee, but better.

I also try and go kickboxing whenever I can. It's an amazing stress reliever.

And I do home gym exercices with my brother in law, from time to time.

 

Currently not much deep thoughts to talk about, just sticking to my habits.

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY EVERYONE !!!!!❤️

 

 

[Lea]

10 hours ago, Sarma said:

Me and this girl had a great time. 

We both like each other, someone just had to break the ice.

Eventually I gathered enough courage to say that I like her, and she likes me too.

Shit was sooo much easier after that.

It turns out that it's good that I'm taking it slow. She says men are usually attacking(fast) on her. She really liked that I was taking it slow.

She said she doesn't want to fuck up this like her previous relationship. So we're going slow. And honestly I feel more at ease that way.

She's coming over in the morning to watch a movie. Can't wait.

I feel amazing.

I'd write everything I like about her, but that would probably be too much, haha. Overall I'm crazy about her.

Ooh, congrats to you! ?? I am happy that you and her finally confess your feelings and that it went well. Just take things slow and the following will happen at the right time.

[Sarma]

Day 4 - Crazyyyyy

 

Barely slept last night, thinking about her. I spent like 2 hours rolling around in bed eyes wide open.

Anyways, eventually i got up early, went and bought breakfast. 

She was coming over for the day. She ended up being late, and I just couldn't do anything. I was pacing left, right just waiting for her to come.

I know I said we're taking it slow, but things moved quick today.

We had an amazing time. Sadly she couldn't stay all day, because of my prior commitments.

It's been 4 hours, I'm still stuck thinking about her. It's crazy.

Like that's basically it for today. HER.

I'm trying to be productive here, but I can't stop thinking about her, holy fuck. Feels amazing.

So yeah, things are moving quickly. You can say that we're in a relationship now.

 

Gonna try and be more productive tomorrow. Gonna do some exercise, kick boxing and gonna apply for a job. And hopefully see her lol.

Copywritting course on saturday, can't waaaait. 

 

When it comes to my thoughts and emotions, they're mostly positive. I have sometimes when I conceptualize negative out comes, but I quickly dismiss them.

Gaming and porn cravings? Not at all, I'm pretty sure.

Everything seems so worth the effort these past few days. 

I'm still having doubts about myself. Although, I'm going head strong into the brick wall, and I don't think it can stop me.

I'm excited for life! It feels like all this effort of quitting games, porn and other new habits is worth it now.

 

If you're thinking of starting a detox and are uncertain, just know that there's definitely something better on the other side. Maybe you don't see it now, but you won't know until you try.

 

I'd like to share the following tweet from @AJA_Cortes:

“I’m 20 and I’m Depressed, what do I do bro?”

Do the following

-start physically training

-WORK. Any job. So long as you get paid

-Get outside in the sun every day and read

-and don’t buy into your own defeatism and sadness that modern life tells you isn’t your fault

 

I'm not gonna tell you depression doesn't exist, but these habits really do make a difference.

I've applied all of them and signifact change happened. 

No, it did not happen immediately, but after a month or two you really do see changes.

 

The most important thing is not to blame others for your sadness.

Yes, sometimes it isn't your fault. But nobody will help you except yourself.

So, blame yourself for everything. Be a better man/woman.

Improve yourself and you will see the world improve around you.

 

Another thing.

Certainty kills any productiveness in a human.

I've experienced that first hand. Only when I finished highschool, when I stopped being certain in my future did I make change.

I know uncertainty is scary. But, that's what makes life interesting.

Pursue this feeling, you will not be dissapointed.

 

DO NOT GO WITH THE FLOW. You won't be thinking about anything, you'll be a slave to your habits, and your life will be stale. Challenge yourself. Whether that be physically, academically, socially or any other way. Your life will instantly become more interesting.

 

Listen to some good music. People don't talk about this much. Music has a huge influence on our day to day mood.

I used to listen to a lot of sad music. I listened to whatever sad shit I got my hands on. When I started making changes I also decided to listen to different music.

Honestly a lot of the time, good music kept me going through the day.

Recently I've been listening to Frank Sinatra, Swae Lee(king of flows), Travis Scott(king of energy) and Post Malone(very wide variety of music).

Try it, listen to some mood uplifting music. I bet you'll feel better.

 

Make a to-do list. I know this might seem stupid to a lot of you. But to-do lists are used by a lot of functioning adults.

Whether that be through memory, making lists or whatever sorts, to-do lists will keep you calm and ready for tasks everyday.

 

Eat healthy. 

Since I started working, I've been eating a lot of fruit. I was lacking it in my diet, and it was very much needed. Whenever I eat a fruit I feel my energy sky rocketting.

Check your diet. What do you lack? Or don't need in your diet? Super easy way to increase your mood.

 

Hope you enjoyed the read. I hope I helped you in making a change for better.

 

Have a wonderful day everyone!! Never give up.

 

 

[Sarma]

Day 0 - Fucking video games

Relapsed again a couple of days ago.

I felt stressed out. Everyone left for university on October 1st and i've been feeling bad about it ever since.

I FEEL EVEN MORE ANXIOUS THAT I WAS NOT PLAYING FUCK MAN.

Fuck video games.

I have a beautiful girlifriend, I'm learning a useful skill and my life has been better than ever before.

WHY DO I CARE IF MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO UNIVERSITY. I DON'T WANT THAT SHIT. 

WHY DO I LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME. 

I quit porn. I haven't had cravings for it in a while.

Why are video games so hard for me? The only time I get a craving is when I'm stressed out. I just want to fucking zone out and not think about anything.

From now on, im going to write journals everyday again. I'm gonna get this shit out of my system. I'll have a healthier way of dealing with stress. I'm done feeling like a child and throwing tantrums, because of fucking video games. I want to live life. Unhindered by this bullshit.

I hate my fucking brain. Fucking get this shit out of your head.

From now on everyday you wake up, you have one goal:

Be a better person than yesterday. Read, learn, improve social skills. Whatever the fuck it is, just be productive. 

Fuck video games, it's worse than weed and you should quit it. You're life will improve forever.

Fuck fuck fuck.

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN DO THIS AND BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

YOU'RE NOT ANXIOUS. YOU'RE STRONG AND WILL BECOME AN AMAZING PERSON ONE DAY.

Fuck you video games you ruined my fucking life. And now I'm gonna take it back.

FARE FUCKING WELL.

Edited October 5, 2019 by Sarma

[Sarma]

Day 1 - Back on track, thoughts and goals

 

Talked with a friend last night about how annoyed i was. Felt pretty relaxed after the talk. And I've been in a good mood all day today.

Now that I think about it, I think the relapse had to happen. I had to figure out exactly why and for how long I was quitting games.

I know now, and I'm quitting forever. I have nothing left to learn in video games. I'm closing this chapter for good.

Now that I got that out of the way, I want to make everyday a new opportunity to learn. Another problem I have is that I tend to mindlessly browse the internet when I have some spare time.

So yeah that's an addiction on its own. 

I'm gonna plan everyday again from now on (stopped planning for weeks). I'm not going to pressure myself to be productive every single moment. But I will set atleast 3 goals to do everyday. Whether that be reading a few pages of a book, learning/writting copy, social skills or whatever other skill. 

I have people I care about and they care about me. Having a girlfriend has been an eye opening experience. I have someone to care about, and thus I care for my friends and family more as well. I finally feel emotion that was lacking from my life for the longest time.

Today I went to my second class of copywritting. I feel really happy after it. I never knew how much power words can have over a person. I also got a lot of commendations from my class mates. Today's events really raised my confidence levels, and I'm thinking more positive. My self-worth is better.

What I really want to start is writting gratitude. I want to train my brain to think in a positive way. And I hope I can do that with gratitude.

Today is the 102nd day without porn.

It feels insane that I made it this far. My confidence has sky rocketted, i don't feel as shy no more, I feel more emotion (more human). The world just overall feels more liveable.

I'm out of my comfort zone and It feels amazing!

 

Wherever you are in life, it's never late to start. There's a whole different world out there ready to be explored. And i recommend you start exploring sooner than later. The only thing we don't have an abundance of is time. Time can never be retrieved, so use it wisely to live the best life possible.

Enjoy your life people. 

And as always, Have a wonderful day!

[Sarma]

Day 2 - ANXIETY

Today has been so hard. So much emotion. I'm overthinking everything.

My girlfriend was joking today, that we shouldn't see each other ever again(lacks context). I took it personally and now I think we are breaking up. FUCK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HEAD.

Took two benzodiazepines today. And still feel anxious as fuck.

I just want to zone out do something, play video gams. I can't, I feel so much emotion right now and I cant take it.

Get me out of this rut. I want to live life.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I need to work, i need to exercise, i want to kiss my girlfriend. FUCK, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING OF THAT. WHY IS THIS DAY SO HARD. WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL.

Just fucking shut my brain down. I cannot listen to it anymore.

https://youtu.be/XKQa1vx-oNY

https://youtu.be/lO00yy8iCAY

Have a nice day.

[Sarma]

Day 3 - Day to day life, and overthinking

At the bottom theres an audio file

Edited October 7, 2019 by Sarma