Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: Video Game Addiction Intervention *Parody*

Sarma

Nenad's Journal, a journey to a fulfilling life

Recommended Posts

Days 1-5

Hello everyone, 

To get to know my thoughts better you can read the post bellow.

Quitting gaming has been a lot harder this time around. I've grown emotionally attached to them and it has really impacted me these past 5 days. I've had a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm just hoping it will be easier in a couple of days. I've started to read respawn again, since i don't remember everything exactly from 2 years ago. 

So from thursday to Saturday I was working a part time job in a warehouse and it really helped me get through the day a little bit easier. In fact i decided to quit games again because I was so stressed out about having to work, when i just wanted to play video games. Anyways, i really enjoyed working. It's not a job i'd do long term but for my first 3 work days it was great. When I wasn't at work I would rest at home listening to music or watching tv. I was also contemplating a lot about where my life was going. Ever since finishing highschool I feel like im losing control. I get these anxiety attacks because i fear everything could fall apart in an instant and that I would die and nobody would remember me. I'm guessing its extra pressure i'm feeling since my friends are all going to university while I look like an idiot for pausing for 1 year. Hopefully I will be able to resolve these issues once i start going to the therapist. I'm just hoping It's not going to be anything serious, that's going to permanently impact my mental health. Sunday I had some work to do aswell. I helped my brother with renovating his work place. Later that day I finally decided to go out with my highschool friends. I needed some social interaction. That night out was kind of a learning experience. I didn't talk much, they asked me some questions about work, but for the most part I listened to what they were talking about. I didn't really have anything to talk about, it would either be about work or gaming (which nobody in this group is interested in). They talked mostly about football. I never was really a fan of it. I might start watching a bit now that I need new interests. I felt a bit discouraged at one point, I wanted to go back to gaming because i had nothing in common with these people. I accepted the feeling and knew it was going to be a learning proccess. So yeah overall I feel like that week was pretty productive. 

Today though was really fucking tough. I had multiple cravings to watch porn and to play video games, but I somehow managed. Sadly I didn't have work today since it was only a part time job and i need to wait to get another one. So yeah my day was pretty empty. I mostly read respawn and mindlessly browsed the internet. My sister was kind of a savior because she invited me to her home to hang out. That was pretty nice, i got out of my skin and just relaxed.

Overall i think I think this past month has been the hardest in my whole life. But I feel like If I don't quit now I will never be able to quit and become a man. I feel like I might be going crazy aswell, but that's for the therapist to decide. Tomorrow I will be going to the bureau for employment to try and get a job. I also need to make an agenda for tomorrow, because my day will be pretty empty again with no work.

Those are my past couple of days people. I hope you enjoyed the read and will support me on this journey to becoming a better person. Thank you Cam and thanks to this forum, I would still be playing, If i didn't have your support.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 6

First of all before i talk about my day i wanted to ask @Cam Adair and the rest of the forum about @Schwing. I see he doesn't post on here anymore. I read a few sentences of his last few posts and they seemed really dark. So is he okay? Please don't tell me he committed suicide or hurt himself. 

Anyways, my day has been pretty productive. I followed through my agenda and i am satisfied. In the morning I went to the bureau for employment and i need to come in september for available jobs. That sucks a bit, but in the meantime i will actively search for a job. Today i didn't let my anxiety get the better of me. I exercised and it really reminded me how good it feels to just be more active physically. It also gave me confidence that there's good times ahead. After exercising I applied for jobs for 30 mins online and then studied copywritting. I started learning copy in may but because of anxiety i haven't gotten back to it until now. I'm not sure copywritting/online bussiness is what i want to do in life but its nice to have a goal to work towards. Overall im really happy with how the day went. I feel like im starting to break out of my shell and gaining some much needed confidence. I'm going to make an agenda for tomorrow and watch a documentary. Have a nice night/day everyone. Were all gonna make through this just trust in the process. 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Anxiety is super tough to deal with man, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, so sorry to hear you have to battle with it. 

On the flip side, it sounds like you’re making progress in a lot of areas, so that’s great, keep it up and keep posting here. I find the accountability of the journal keeps me on track. Stay frosty.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, ElectroNugget said:

Anxiety is super tough to deal with man, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, so sorry to hear you have to battle with it. 

On the flip side, it sounds like you’re making progress in a lot of areas, so that’s great, keep it up and keep posting here. I find the accountability of the journal keeps me on track. Stay frosty.

Thank you. It means a lot to me when even one person replies to my posts. It reminds me I'm not alone. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 7

Wow! What a day it's been. I did a lot of self reflecting today. A couple of hours ago i talked with a friend about my situation. He's also in a similar situation like me. He failed to get in to the university he wanted and has been occupied with a lot of anxiety. First of all he helped me to realize that i'm not alone, and that it's normal to feel worried after finishing school. Also down the strech of the conversation I realized how much I rejected love these past few years. I tried to be a smart-ass, know it all, which a lot of young people experience. I alienated myself so much from the people I love. On my search for belonging I became lonely. People aren't wrong when they say gratitude is the key to happiness. I think i feel real gratitude now. I feel like I was such a jack-ass to my family. They wanted to help me. To be a part of my life. But I just kept pushing them away. Anxiety+rapid change has made me realize that people are important in life. Loneliness will never bring you happiness. I feel like im finally making some progress in life. Big changes hit you like a truck man, didn't even expect this. I'm going to focus on making more connections with my family mainly, but also with my friends. If you want love you need to give some back. I'm ready to do that.

Still haven't gotten a job 😐. I'm really getting irritated man. My anxiety is getting worse because i have so much free time. I mean I'm trying to manage it the best I can with an agenda, but fuck some moments you just can't stop thinking about something. I'm trying to fill my time with activities such as exercise, learning copywritting and watching documentaries. I just hope i get a freaking job by the end of the week. 

I woke up with some existential dread. It's become usual these past couple of days. It bothered me during the first 2 or 3 hours i was awake. It made me think about whether I have schizophrenia again, and I also got worried that meditation fucked me over while I was doing it. You know, just standard axiety driven conspiracy theories against your self haha. Anyways, I exercised after that and my anxiety softened a bit. After that I watched a documentary about the history of earth. After a while worry got the best of me again. I kept compulsively checking my phone for symptoms of mental disorders. Fuck man, the brain can think of anything when its not occupied by a task. I got tired of all the worry, and decided i was gonna go to my sisters place and relax and just socialize with her and her husband. That was a nice stress reliever. We talked a bit about my anxiety and my day. I told them i was learning copywritting and they got really excited and supportive. I didn't even think they knew what it was. Anyways they told me that I could go to business school for that and really just supported the idea. I haven't decided yet whether this is gonna be my long term goal, but im gonna start saving up money. Bussiness school costs 600 euros, but i could also learn courses online which cost a bit less. We ended up watching a movie, it was called Rampage if anyone is interested, The Rock stars in it. And yeah, overall just a peacefull night. I came home after that and studied copy for a bit.

I feel like I'm really starting to "grow up" and I'm really excited for what the future holds. Yeah, anxiety is still an issue but I won't let it bring me down. Life can be beautiful, if you truly want it to be. My current day to day goals are small, but they have been beneficial overall i think. Stay strong people, a good future awaits you

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my personal experience with depression, anxiety and other mental disorders that, for me, were caused by real life events, I think you're finding the best weapon to beat them : Action. That's what I've learned that helps, taking action even if we don't feel like it. 

I don't know if the following will be of any help to you but I'll list them just in case: cognitive distortions leading to negative thinking, correcting those with worksheets or the Socratic method, mindfulness and being present without judgment. 

None of these things helps tremendously if you only try them once. Just like with this detox, it's consistency that brings you results. 

I wish you the best in your journey.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 8-9

Didn't have time to post about my day yesterday. I got a call about a nightshift job in the warehouse i was working in previously. This is my first and last time ever doing a night shift. It's mentally really difficult to do, and i just cant handle it currently. I knew that it was gonna be a shitty night but i took it anyways since i need money to go on vacation. The shift goes from 11pm-5:30am. I was pretty scared that my anxiety would kick in and cause a problem due to lack of sleep. And it did around 1 or 2 pm. I felt dizzy all of a sudden and that i was gonna faint. I was thinking of taking some anxiety meds, but i said fuck it, it isnt going to fix my problems. I just kept telling my self it's because of lack of sleep and shortly after i went back to being ok. Although when i came home and went to sleep i needed to take some medication. I slept for about 2 or 3 hours and then i started to get these disassociated thoughts about work, kind of like a dream but i was awake. I was just so irritated that i couldn't sleep. So i took some medication in the end. I slept like a baby to like 5pm. I haven't planned an agenda for today because i was so tired so i've been just chilling. I watched some tv and listened to music, nothing special. I'm thinking of doing some exercise, but i think its best to do it in the morning. I will work on my copy, after writting this probably. I noticed I have a lot more thoughts about gaming today than previous days. I guess its just that im so drained that i want to relax with some games. I also have this bad habit of checking hltv.org a news site for CS:GO, so i need to stop doing this compulsively.

As for yesterday I exercised, got call for the job and planned it all out. And after that i went out with friends. I'm starting to see some benefit in social situations from not playing games and watching porn. I felt more alive and overall more comfortable next to my friends. There's this girl from my group of friends that i had a crush on before. I felt really interested in her again, although i dont know if its because of increased sex drive because of NoFap or if its genuine interest. I also feel more comfortable in my skin. When i was in public yesterday I didn't get the usual feeling that i was no good. Instead i had positive feelings, like when people would look at me i thought they thought like hey this guy looks cool. Also when i would look at women, i felt like i wanted to get to know them, which is pretty cool, because i don't remember ever having this feeling.

So these 2 days have been pretty good aside from the night shift. What i need to remember is dont be lazy. Because if i dont plan my day that might force me to think about video games. I need to invest more time in copywritting as well, because sooner or later my brain will want more mental activity.

Have a good day/night everyone !

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 10

Today has been pretty uninteresting. It was really hot and it was a pretty lazy day. I'm not sure if it was the day or just some withdrawal symptoms but my mood was pretty shit today. I had some moments when i thought of playing games or watching porn but I quickly dismissed those thoughts. It was pretty hard to do stuff today. Except for exercising I was pretty lazy. Spent most of my time watching tv. During the afternoon I went to my sisters place, because i was feeling kind of depressed and needed a change of scenery. Also, today and yesterday I felt constantly hungry. I'm not sure if I should be worried of my eating habits. It might be just because im exercising more, or maybe I'm replacing gaming with eating. What do you guys think? 

I haven't worked on copywriting all day. I'm not disappointed, but I'm scared my lazy habits will get me into gaming again. I want to justify it by it being too hot, but I also know i shouldn't justify laziness in the detox period. What i do want to do is go out with friends more. I didn't go out today, i think I just didn't want to come out as attacking. Because It's usually the same group of people that I invite out. I definitely will make plans for tomorrow, and hopefully i will go out.

In unrelated news I found a bluetooth speaker while walking to my sisters place. It was just laying in the grass next to the road. It's working fine, it's some chinese brand that costs 15 euros but its better than nothing. I'll definitely bring it to vacation.

So yeah, a pretty uneventful day. I feel like I'm getting side tracked, but I also don't feel like there's a need to pressure myself. What do you guys think?

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have had a lot of ups and downs over this journey, including days when I was completely lethargic. You might just have had a slow day. It happens. 🙂 Just don't go back to gaming! Even if you accomplish nothing else that day, that alone is progress!

Edited by ElectroNugget
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 11

Today I felt full of energy. My mind was telling me not to exercise but i felt so much energy that i just had to. My confidence has been pretty good as well today.

I didn't go out sadly. Everyone is out of town or unavailable. I wasn't too bothered by it though. My nephew came to my house so i enjoyed spending some time with him. We went to the river close to my home and just enjoyed the nature around there. 

Still no extreme withdrawal symptoms. I'm just preparing mentally for when it comes. Haven't gotten calls for jobs. I still need around 140 euros for vacation. I have like 12 days to make that sum. I'm not too worried because i can borrow money from my parents. But at the same time i wish i had no help at all, so i could build my work ethic. Anyways, im really stoked to go on vacation. I hope to progress significantly in social interactions.

As for the rest of the night I plan on watching a movie, The first man. I'm looking to just chill out. 

That's all, have a good time everyone! 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 12

Today I was called in for work in the morning to work 2nd shift. Work was pretty fine. I need like 120 euros still for vacation. So about a week, week and half of work still needed. 

There isn't much details to today, so ill talk about my thoughts and emotions. I had this dream recently, which was kind of weird, but im going to try and explain it as best I can because it felt so realistic. In this dream, I have this obligation to do a test of some sort. It's supposed to be a graduation test I think. So I'm in my home, and the school where im taking the exam is connected to my house with stairs. The school looks a lot like my primary school. First I go to my room where I see a bunch of people sitting, which represent my teachers. And then i go to the living room where I see my mom and dad sitting in the dark (its early morning). My mom is smoking cigarettes(she doesn't smoke) and my dad is watching tv. The room looked very scary so I quickly steped out and went "up the stairs" to school. There I see my primary school best friend, which i haven't really kept in touch with. We talked about how we liked this song called alive in my coffin by Jumex. So after that I go and take my exam. In the exam I need to play like 3 games of League of Legends and play the best I can to pass the exam. Btw im playing on some old monitor from the early 2000s, with the pc under the monitor. I also remember people around me taking different tests for stuff that they chose.

My interpretation is good i think, but feel free to give your opinion.

I think that the exam represents me wanting to prove that becoming a pro gamer is the way for me even though i want other things in life. I think it resonates with the song Alive in my coffin (like literally digging my grave). For the school and my house becoming one building, i think it means that I've just been living this simple life which involves my house and my school. With no actual exploration, like im trapped. For the teachers sitting in my room im not sure. They were all sitting in silence with dissapointed looks on their faces. I'm guessing it explains their disapproval with my habits. And for the living room and my parents I feel like it represents their collapse, them giving up on me and their lives. They didn't look like my parents exactly. They looked like someone i knew that i gravely dissapointed.

So overall I think that I'm dissapointed in the way ive been going about my life and I'm sorry to everyone i let down. You never know what you had until its gone.

I'm still lost and don't know where I'm going. I'm scared, more than ever before. I denied that I had a problem for many years, and that made it increasingly hard to deal with it now. But I know there's no turning back now. Because there's no happiness in going back. I have a long road ahead of me, but I have to come out victorious in the end, theres no other way.

So yeah, there's still thoughts I'm trying to process ever since the big changes i made in my life. I can't understand them now, but over time I will learn, with the help of others and become a complete person.

If you have any of your thoughts to share, feel free. And any questions as well.

Thank you for reading ! Have a nice day.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's great that you're being introspective! Summing up where you are mentally and in life is a valuable technique, so it's very good that you're stopping to have a think about it. I understand that where you are now is very frightening and low down, but the good thing is, the long road ahead of you leads upward. Hope is the key to confidence, and confidence is the key to success.

Good luck!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 13

Today was a pretty quick day. Did my usual exercise. Over the past few days I've grown an unusual habit of watching mouse reviews. I don't even want to buy a mouse I'm just looking at the reviews to see what is best and why its the best. I guess I'm trying to find something gaming related, even it means just scraping the edge of the content about gaming. So yeah I need to get that sorted out. Pretty much spent half of today looking at mouse reviews. After finishing my binge watch I started having this mini panic attack. It was triggered by a video about schizophrenia i saw on youtube. I knew It was a bad idea but i watched it anyways. As you probably expected it made me think about a loop of do I have schizophrenia again. Those thoughts lead me thinking about my decisions through life. Lead me to think about the uncertainty im facing with the next year. And just overall caused a lot of stress. It's kind of crazy, like nothing is happening to you but you have these thoughts like your life already happened and your sad because it isn't what you want.

Some of the thoughts I've been having (summary):

I've made constant bad decisions in life

I'll never find love

My life is miserable and will stay that way

I will go insane if not soon, then in a couple of years

That I don't know how to love someone/something

I'm a failure and I can never become better

Like this is some big game and I'm the doll everyone is playing with

Feelings that whatever I do it isn't worth it in the end

Don't even feel like playing video games/watching porn, and a feeling that it doesn't even matter if I do/don't

 

Now that I think of it, i feel like i've always had these thoughts. It's just that I set some sort of deadline till which i have to accomplish these things. And now it's all piling up and its becoming too much. The worst part is that it provokes more passivity than action. I think I need to go and find a psychiatrist as soon as tomorrow, because I feel like I'm gonna "blow". 

I'm not giving up. But I feel like this hole is becoming so big that I won't be able to get out of it.

Have a nice day everyone, stay strong 😣.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 14

Hello everyone. If you're worried about me from last night I'm better. I talked to a close friend and my sister's husband, and I they helped me a bit.

I spent much of my day thinking about taking this course for copywritting. I think I want it, but I'm unsure If it's a good decision. My mom says no matter what I'll get knowledge from it which is never bad. That is true, but I'm still having second thoughts. I guess I'm just scared of failing at this point, because I don't want to fuck up my life anymore. I want to do something that will work. Obviosly I can never know that unless I try. I think I'm gonna do it, and force myself to do the whole course which lasts 6 months. I want to make a living off of it, but I'm having thoughts like, this isn't realistic or that I'm not good enough for it. I've lost a lot of confidence the past few months and i got to get it back. So yeah I feel like this needs to be done, whether I like it or not. 

As for other aspects of my life, I exercised with my sisters husband today. It was an exercise with weights which I haven't done in a while. I really enjoyed it and am thinking of going to the gym again with my sisters husband. I feel more confidence in myself and I think I could finally go to the gym.

As for my social life, I think it's improving bit by bit. I felt more comfortable today talking with my family and voicing my opinion. I'm trying to understand people around me more and listen to them more as well. I haven't gone out with friends much though, everyone is either out of town or busy. I just can't wait to go on vacation on the 20th, I'll get a lot of social exposure and a different environment. 

I can't believe I'm saying this, but i feel like I'm finally growing up. I feel like I'm "awake". I'm noticing stuff more and thinking a lot as well. It's actually scary and I guess that's the reason for my anxiety problems, I'm feeling "woke". Hopefully I'm right and this is all just some development period. But worry never escapes me.

I'm really happy with today, I did my whole agenda. Have a nice day everyone, STAY STRONG !

Edited by Sarma
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been in your shoes, and most of us here have faced extremely negative thoughts about our lives and selves. We all have bad moments during which we feel like losers, and seeking help is what we should do. Don't trust your thoughts, because your brain isn't balanced yet. I've been detoxing for almost 8 months now and I still have issues with negativity. It's a work in progress, remember where you were last month and see the improvements.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What kept me gaming and building up self-esteem - Day 15

 

 

Why did I keep gaming even though it became a problem? 

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately.

I figured it happened because I felt SECURE to keep on gaming.

Let me explain:

I never thought of gaming as an addiction. 

Even though I knew it was slowing me down I never took the detox seriously, until NOW.

And I think it all comes down to if you think a gaming life is still SUSTAINABLE.

Realistically, you aren't going to stop gaming if nothing/nobody is pressuring you externally.

Think about it. An alcoholic isn't going to stop drinking if he's ok with where his life is.

It's the same with video games.

Yes, you know it's become a problem, but you feel NO PRESSURE, nothing has changed.

Are you financially secure? Why make a change then?

Do you have a loving family, gaming buddies and so on? Why make a change?

See, we usually don't make changes unless we lose something/someone that was very dear to us.

That is the reason why I kept gaming through high school even though I knew I wanted a change.

I was financially secure - parents' money

I was loved by my family, and had friends (in and outside of gaming).

There was no need to be good/better at something, because I had enough security.

Security=Mediocrity

Indeed I became mediocre. A selfish, mediocre, dopamine driven human.

And this went on throughout the entirety of high school.

Only when I finished high school did I realize what I lost.

The realization that change was coming was terrifying.

I needed to become an adult.

Only then had I finally "woken up".

I started to take shit seriously. 

And here I am 15 days into my detox and I feel as committed as ever.

 

SELF-ESTEEM:

Self-esteem has always been an issue of mine.

Whether that is setting goals, social situations or taking care of myself, I always had low self worth.

That is kind of a down side of my personality.

I over think everything, and look for perfection instead of just doing.

I'm gonna stop listening to that inner voice and just do shit with blind confidence.

I'm just tired of all the over thinking and just want to start acting.

I'm having doubts about posting this even.

I hate it, and it's time to show myself I am worthy of any life I choose.

 

 

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE READ!

I'm trying something a bit different, because I'm practicing my copywriting.

It ain't anything good yet, but I hope to make my posts more readable and more enjoyable in the future.

As always have a wonderful day, people!

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well said on all accounts. In my opinion you don't need self esteem or confidence to start acting. You first act, then confidence and esteem follow your behaviors once you've completed a goal or so. 

Motivation and feelings are overrated, and I say that even though I struggle with bad feelings a lot to this day.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@fawn_xoxo Of course, you can't wait for your confidence. Only action will enable you to feel better about yourself. 

I don't really think much about my motivation right now. If I plan something I do it, simple as that. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dealing with raw emotion - Day 16

 

Emotions have been a constant obstacle these days. I find my self thinking of negative emotions for long periods of the day.

Once I learn to deal with my emotions, consistentcy in my actions will be easier.

But for now I'm just gonna have to deal with the constant doubts in my head.

Who knows, maybe my emotions are right, maybe this is all for nothing. But I can't give up now, I need to take my actions all the way before I say "I tried".

My sister pointed out to me that I stress about everything too much. I think she's right, but I've always been this way.

I guess I just don't have any security to say I can relax. Damn, I wish there was just that one consistent bright spot to my day(like gaming was), that I can rely on to get through the day.

For now though I'm gonna have to make due with a belief that there's a better life out there.

Today I did the serenity prayer as pointed out to me by @ElectroNugget. It was different, I felt less pressure. I usually don't think about god much, but just praying to god is kind of a stress reliever. So thanks for the advice ElectroNugget !

In other news I'm going to work tomorrow so hopefully I can get out of my head a bit. 

I'm not gonna drag out this post for too long, I'm emotionally drained from the day.

I want to thank you all who have read my posts and supported me these past 2 weeks. Some days i don't want to get out of bed, but then I remember all of you and how I would let you down. I'm might not seem like much, but you guys combined with my family and close friends, keep me going. I appreciate you all !

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I highly suggest taking the time as soon as you feel bad to write down those thoughts, maybe even in a note in your phone. Then Google cognitive distortions worksheets or the Socratic method in psychology and actually go through with filling that in regarding your thoughts. It has helped me deal with negativity and doubts but it only works if you are consistent about it and dutiful. I'd also like to mention that treating negativity like gaming impulses seems to be an appropriate way to deal, because we get addicted to the anxious feelings they cause us, it can become an addiction too. So a detox on purpose, ignoring what the mind tells you as much as you can, and doing those worksheets when you can't should offer some relief.

Best of wishes.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Work and mental relaxation - Day 17

Update on yesterday's high emotions:

Took an Elicea (antidepressant) in the morning. It works more like an energy booster. Felt exhausted from yesterday and just needed some energy. 

 

Work:

I'm really happy I went to work today. It helped me relax mentally soooo much. 

I didn't want to go at firsthand, wasn't really excited even during work. 

But when I finished i was just super happy. 

Relaxing with music at home and going to bed:

I listened to some pretty slow paced music. Mostly listened to an artist called $NOT if anyone is interested. He has some really calming melodies in his songs and talks in a relaxing voice. 

Had some thoughts about previous years and the moments i enjoyed the most. 

For an example I thought about the time I would go out and sit on a bench in my primary school. I would smoke cigarettes and drink beer while listening to some emo music. Even though that was a pretty low point in my life I still remember it as a high point. 

 

Overall, I used this day to calm my nerves. Tomorrow Im going out with friends so that will also hopefully help me relax. 

Don't want to write too much, feel exhausted mentally still and I don't want any extra mental strain. 

Have a wonderful day everyone. Stay strong! 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please I just want to die. I can't think anymore - Day 18

First I'm going to express my thoughts here. Hopefully it will give me some relief.

Thoughts:

- I'm really sad that things have to change, I'm not good at changes. Good or bad, I just can't stand changes

- I'm tired of fighting my thoughts and emotions, just want to figure this shit out.

- I miss highschool. It was a sad period of my life, but I miss it anyways, but at the same time I glad I'm moving on.

- I don't know what is normal

- Can I please just do one thing without overthinking shit

- I just want peace mentally, nothing else, I just want to feel peace so I can move on with my life.

- Can I just be normal please. I just want to be loved and to have a constant job. I don't want anymore stress.

 

Today has been rough mentally.

I'm feeling anxiety, but not for anything specific really. Just existential crisis type anxiety.

My anxiety skyrocketed when I was out with friends today. It was weird, not because of my friends. It felt weird because we didn't have any school tomorrow or next week. Everyone is going their different ways and that just tears me apart. I don't want anyone to go. I want shit to stay the same, even if it wasn't ideal. Life has changed so much in the last month and a half. I don't want anymore change, PLEASE. Can i please find my peace. I've been searching for peace for 4 years, why havent I found ANY CLOSURE. I still have the same thoughts since day 1. I'm stuck an endless loop of chasing short highs and misery.

Life is passing by too fast, and I don't know how to slow down and enjoy it. Please god, just help me find my happiness. I don't know how to handle shit anymore. 

Where's happiness? I haven't felt it in so long. Will I ever have it?

I miss you all. Mom, dad, Marija, Ilija, my dear friends Andrej, Zeljko, Raseta. Even though you're all here I still miss you evey moment because I don't want to lose any of you. I love you all so much, and I want nothing but happiness for you all. I don't want to spend another moment in misery, I don't want to achieve anything. All I want is to be with you all for the rest of my life.

I'm no good at goodbyes.

I'm so scared. What will happen to me? Life is wonderful, but I'm scared to live it. It's so beatiful, but its so scary at the same time.

I'm scared I'll fail my life. I don't want to fail. Please no.

 

Thank you for reading this emotional post. I'm writting this while crying. I'm sorry if the post doesn't make sense. I just needed to let out everything I had.

Please have a wonderful day, and take care of yourself. Life's too short so don't think too much like me, be happy.

UPDATE:   Talked to a friend over the phone. Feel more relaxed now. I let everything I had out, in words and in cries.

 

Edited by Sarma
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We all feel bad when our most vulnerable moments are out for people to see, but sharing is brave. You did well to let it all out, here and with your friend. I have been in your shoes multiple times and I understand that inner conflict, the despair of some moments. I have felt the same things, why can't I be normal.

I'm in a better place now, because I've allowed people from a better place to help me. I've had counseling with a therapist, discussions which helped me see my life objectively and not through my own distorted lens. When we are feeling really down, we warp reality in our minds. Don't hesitate to share your thoughts with your friends and if you haven't started with a counselor, I really urge you to. Getting help for the dangerous games our minds give us is no different than getting meds when we get a virus. It's necessary and it makes you stronger than before.

On another note, what do your days look like? What's your routine?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@fawn_xoxo

If i don't have work I usually exercise in the morning, then relax with some music or tv, and then study some copywriting. I try and go out as much as possible so I if i can i will go out with friends in the evening. 

If I do have work, other than work I just try and relax and if i have time and energy I try and go out. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fear of failure - Days 19,20

Hey guus how's it going. Forgot to post yesterday so I'm doing it now before bed. 

At work I've been getting a lot of anxiety. Not even about work. I just feel like a failure when at work. It's like I'm at roxk bottom. And when I'm done with work for the day I'm extatic, feel so much more relaxed.

An hour ago i took a cab to a place. I talked with the driver and he talked abput how he works 17 hours a day. 

And that triggered anxiett that i will end up like him and have no life. I feel like I'm just living out of fear of failing. I don't know if thats an okay mentality right now. 

On another note I decided I'm gonna take a copywriting course which lasts 3-6 months. I'm not sure if im going because of fear. But i feel like im making the right decision. 

I was at a friends house and now im going home. I need to get up for work in 5 hours wish me luck boys. 

Have a wonderful day as always. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...