This is Where I Fight - This is Where Gaming Dies

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 1 - Today was not too bad. The first day never is when you reach a tough place where you truly see the need to change.

I had plenty of social interactions by making some phone calls and getting called out for work.

Didn't get any of my schoolwork done though. Meh. 1130pm is a little late to reevaluate what didn't get done. This day is done.

No gaming. Reading some books and taking walks when I feel the urge.  

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 2 - Worked half a day. Was flexing hours from weekend call outs. Spent around 5-6 hours on the phone. Talked to a friend from 15 years ago. Talked to an old man with lots of life experience that appreciated someone younger listening for hours. I did pack some boxes pertaining to a move that is taking place in stages.

No gaming. Communicated online with some friends that I game with. Let them know my goal to abstain for a while for personal reasons. They were all very supportive and cool about it.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 4 - Staying busy. It is spring so... Finishing up some college classes. Working full-time. Was I really playing games THAT much? My extra time is being spent cooking, reading, using social media, packing to move, etc etc... In 2 weeks, I get to see my family for 10 days. Really miss all of them. Some trouble sleeping on some nights. 

No gaming. Didn't even journal yesterday because I came home from work, ate, and went to bed. Took two short walks. No urges to play today really. 

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 6 - Night before last I did not even sleep. My spouse said that I'm not welcome to come home anymore when I have had plans to visit soon. This is so hard. I've been mourning. I'm going to be kind to her, but I have to guard my heart. We bought the house together and have been getting counseling. I thought there was forgiveness, but I guess not. It would seem I am very slow and she has taken me for a ride. I own the video game problems, but I have always worked full-time. I have been verbally abusive, but no violence or alcohol. How can she have so much power in this world? 

No gaming. No journaling yesterday for obvious reasons. I am depressed. No real cravings to game as I have many other thing on my mind and plenty of work to do. 

[Ikar]

Damn man, that's rough.

I've been through a breakup recently, I tried to reflect on it and sent my thoughts to my ex. She was, in the end, the main impulse that made me hit rock bottom. Month after the breakup, I realized gaming/Twitch is the cause I am neglecting my priorities. I used gaming/Twitch to avoid them. Second lesson, tied to this now that I think of it, was lack of self-love. I'm positive we genuinely tried our best to make the other one feel good, while we treated ourselves as crap individually.

You posted it in the other thread, but your wife did some pretty irresponsible and impertinent stuff too. I think she just didn't take your addiction seriously with buying your kids games. It really is as if you put a bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic and told him not to drink it.

You drew the line a few days back, by being more conscious of your acts. You are trying. You must accept the fact however, that she might never try herself to understand, but that is OK. You're doing this change for yourself. Anything you reclaim with that decision is a nice "side effect", but you can't bank on it.

Stay strong.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

@Ikar, thanks for taking time to read my story and giving some thoughtful feedback. 

Day 7 - Slept most of the day. Picked up my guitar for the first time in 6 months. Fell into another digital trap recently that is new for me. Having serious anger issues. Been lifting weights a bit. Going to have to run the treadmill if I want to sleep tonight.

Reached out to some old friends on social media that I distanced myself from years ago. Asking for prayer. Making random phone calls to old contacts. Got some counseling when a police officer stopped by my work the other day. He is going through some similar difficult marriage issues. THAT was unexpected. Two weeks of school left for me. I am behind schedule.

No gaming. Making a little progress every day. Enjoying the spring weather.

[ElectroNugget]

Just want to mirror what Ikar said, which was great and very empathic advice. You are trying, keep that in mind. Be kind to yourself in this difficult time. Know that there's a community here that you can reach out to if you need it. Good luck and keep fighting.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 8 - Lazy day. I did begin working on some math homework. Seemed to get bogged down after an hour. Been watching about bunch of self-help, inspirational, and educational videos on YouTube today. Cooked myself a steak. My first meaty meal in a few weeks actually. My sexual drives have been higher this week without gaming. That is noteworthy. Since I am without my spouse though, this is especially frustrating. She did answer the phone for a few moments, but she was on an outing with friends and it was loud. Not conducive to any constructive relational type of workings out. A friend sent a video on managing food in relation to lifting weights in order to obtain the best results. Helpful, but also very technical it seems. A neighbor that knows I'm living alone said they are coming to check on me in about an hour. I will tackle homework again afterwards. Go run the treadmill so I might sleep tonight. Do some reading.

No gaming. Cravings today. This is the first day the cravings have tried to kick my butt. Ready for work at the shop tomorrow.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 10 - Have tried again to sit and finish some math homework the last two nights. I can't focus. My family situation remains uncertain with no encouragement for reconciliation from my spouse. I'm seeing the family in about a week and am sort of a nervous wreck about it all. I'm going to try again with the math after journaling. Basic College Algebra is really Pre-Calculus. What was I thinking? I haven't had a math class in almost 20 years. Hahaha! The writing class isn't so bad, but a 12 page essay with academic sources? I can hardly put together anything except thinly threaded rabbit trails.

Yesterday, I did workout my upper body and today, I ran the treadmill for about 45 mins. I have been reading instead of gaming. I miss my online friends and the isolation from my family isn't making that easier. Sleeping on the couch now because sleeping in bed makes me miss my wife.

No gaming. Mild cravings. A friend is trying to get an achievement and would like my help. Sigh. Played my guitar until my fingers hurt.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 11 - Had a 2 hour conversation with my wife today after work. We talked about some good things. Mostly projected yard work towards some garden projects she loves. She was happy I will be helping. Also had prayer with a distant friend that helped give some very wise counsel.

No gaming. Talked to some gaming friends. No cravings.

[TimetoWalkAway]

On 5/3/2019 at 12:29 PM, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

Day 6 - Night before last I did not even sleep. My spouse said that I'm not welcome to come home anymore when I have had plans to visit soon. This is so hard. I've been mourning. I'm going to be kind to her, but I have to guard my heart. We bought the house together and have been getting counseling. I thought there was forgiveness, but I guess not. It would seem I am very slow and she has taken me for a ride. I own the video game problems, but I have always worked full-time. I have been verbally abusive, but no violence or alcohol. How can she have so much power in this world? 

No gaming. No journaling yesterday for obvious reasons. I am depressed. No real cravings to game as I have many other thing on my mind and plenty of work to do. 

 

2 hours ago, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

Day 11 - Had a 2 hour conversation with my wife today after work. We talked about some good things. Mostly projected yard work towards some garden projects she loves. She was happy I will be helping. Also had prayer with a distant friend that helped give some very wise counsel.

No gaming. Talked to some gaming friends. No cravings.

 

In my Prospective. It seems to be a similar situation to mine as well. Sometimes we develop a love for a person but we don't care for ourselves enough for the other person. She wants distance to slowly put her life back together as well...but this gives you the opportunity to build a bond and friendship between you and your spouse 

 

Don't take it as a personal attack. Butn as opportunity to reflect on your actions and growing as a person.

I'd be happy to send some great videos your way to help you!

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

@TimetoWalkAway, absolutely. I'm willing to take all the help that I can get. Go ahead and send the videos. ? Thanks so much!

Day 12 - Wow. Cravings today. Why? Well, I got super bogged down by adding 4 college classes to my life during this separation and transitional time. I completed and passed 2 very important classes that are job related. The other 2 I just dropped because they were so hard and I fell so far behind this past month in my loneliness. Who places someone for Pre-Calculus when they haven't had a math class in almost 20 years!? Hahaha! The class was titled "Basic College Algebra". What a hoot! I also dropped the Academic Writing. I did fairly well, but couldn't seem to focus enough to pull together my final 12 page paper with academic sources. With packing and full-time work along with being on call most of the time, I just couldn't finish those 2 courses. It's not a total loss. I know much better where I am at now concerning furthering my education. 

Listened to an audio book on marriage some today. It's called "Boundaries in Marriage". Excellent. Also worked out at the shop. Cardio and weights. Talked with my wife again and it seems we have two-way communication restored though however fragile it may seem. I asked her about my gaming habits and she says it was only a small part of the overall picture. She says she doesn't mind so much, but it did get out of hand. She's having the kids put their devices away for the summer. I hope she follows through.

No gaming. Cravings moderate. Doing other things. 

[TimetoWalkAway]

10 hours ago, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

@TimetoWalkAway, absolutely. I'm willing to take all the help that I can get. Go ahead and send the videos. ? Thanks so much!

Day 12 - Wow. Cravings today. Why? Well, I got super bogged down by adding 4 college classes to my life during this separation and transitional time. I completed and passed 2 very important classes that are job related. The other 2 I just dropped because they were so hard and I fell so far behind this past month in my loneliness. Who places someone for Pre-Calculus when they haven't had a math class in almost 20 years!? Hahaha! The class was titled "Basic College Algebra". What a hoot! I also dropped the Academic Writing. I did fairly well, but couldn't seem to focus enough to pull together my final 12 page paper with academic sources. With packing and full-time work along with being on call most of the time, I just couldn't finish those 2 courses. It's not a total loss. I know much better where I am at now concerning furthering my education. 

Listened to an audio book on marriage some today. It's called "Boundaries in Marriage". Excellent. Also worked out at the shop. Cardio and weights. Talked with my wife again and it seems we have two-way communication restored though however fragile it may seem. I asked her about my gaming habits and she says it was only a small part of the overall picture. She says she doesn't mind so much, but it did get out of hand. She's having the kids put their devices away for the summer. I hope she follows through.

No gaming. Cravings moderate. Doing other things. 

At the very least, you knew it's a part of the problem, if you had no idea where to start digging, this is the path to ground zero, delve in your other behaviors, see where you went wrong as well, look at behaviors where your Hindsight was clouded and you were acting in the heat of the moment, this can sometimes reveal a rabbit hole of problems that need to be dealt with before you can truly mend the bonds, Fragile communication is communication at the least, treasure it and as all pilot's say. "Watch your Airspeed."  I'll send you some other videos that go into the origins of game/internet addiction if you're truly interested in the history of this information age problem.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 13 - Sigh... Had such a great conversation with my wife yesterday until the very end. Money issues. We have enough. The bills are paid. Be content. She's not.

Then she said some very hurtful things that I don't know that I could repeat to anyone except vaguely. Cut me to my core. Comparing me to past lovers and calling me names. Toxic.

I laid awake until 5am after that. Was late for work because of it. She enjoys punishing me and because I love her, I try to win her back. Then I get beat down once again.

Gaming cravings were so hard today. Co-workers were playing PUBG winding down for the weekend. I came home to my empty place and couldn't stand it so I went to a restaurant to be around people. Talked with a neighbor who invited me to help work on some guns he is restoring tomorrow. Nice.

Prayed with another neighbor down the street from me. Her daughter was playing in my yard with some other children. She has been having trouble and when I asked her if she was okay, she started sobbing crying. I hugged her and we prayed. I tried to give her some positive words and she seemed to cheer up a little. Had one call out for work. Talked with my children on the phone. Wanted to game badly as I am tired and heartbroken.

No gaming. Cravings insane. Emotionally shattered. Recovering from heavy exercise yesterday. Eating well. Exhausted. Ready to go to sleep.

Edited May 12, 2019 by 30_yrs_of_gaming

[Guest]

Aww man tough day... well done on not giving in to temptation! Stay strong, take it one step at a time. Have a good night's rest bro, you deserve it. Praying for you!

[Ikar]

Damn, that's appalling. I wonder how much resentment she's built up she's gotta vent. One thing to remember is that you can always choose your reaction to the situation, though if you start out good and then suddenly she has a 180 mood swing, it's very hard to detach yourself from that situation.

I'd focus on yourself first. You can't allow the "outside" compromise your integrity by relapsing. Even if it's the mother of your kids lashing out on you.

If you feel like you're losing control, set up some rules of communication, say, an email every three days. You're not throwing the family under the bus, if you set up rules of personal responsibility, quite the contrary.

[DaBest]

Hey, sorry to hear your wife lashed out at you. That must be immensely frustrating and even scary given the other circumstances of your situation. 

I agree 100% with Ikar--focus on yourself first. You can't control her actions no matter how hard you try. The only things you can control are your actions and your reactions to external things. You can go and analyze what she said to see if she's speaking truthfully or just being spiteful, like you did, but ultimately you can't stop her from saying such things necessarily even if things change. That's up to her.

Perhaps she will turn around as you continue to pull your life back together, which it sounds like you're doing. Gaming won't help your situation at all, though, so don't bother with that. Stay strong.

Also, I highly recommend reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations if you haven't already. Not a super long book, and deals extensively with how to respond to negative things outside of one's control. One of the few books I've re-read multiple times.

[NannerZ]

You've got a lot of stresses in your life, it is very easy to see how gaming would have helped cope with this. It's hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes but I agree with the others, focus on yourself. Try to be the best man you can be, for yourself, for your kids. Be 1% better everyday and you'll pull through this.

[George Wyatt]

It seems to me that even though some parts of your day (that were out of your control) sucked like hell and you were handling an insane amount of pressure, you still managed to do good things at every turn. From helping the kid to going to the restaurant when you felt alone and finding something to do tomorrow that will be social and fun, you took hold of your day despite the negatives. In my mind, these are the actions of a good man doing the best that he can with what he's got. No one, not even yourself should be allowed to fault you for that. As for the parts that are out of your control, I very much agree with the others. Just keep working on yourself and handle them as they come. You will pull through this and be all the stronger for overcoming it.

Edited May 11, 2019 by George Wyatt

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 14 - @Ikar, @Splitstep, @DaBest, @NannerZ, @George Wyatt, and others... Thank you for all the support and encouraging words. I really mean it. 

Spent several hours on the phone today. Got some counseling. Helped field some confusion for a friend. Had a surprise person pry into my personal troubles. Had mixed feelings about it. Unsettling. My baloney detector is on high alert, I suppose. Did the gun maintenance bit with a neighbor. Diversion. Helpful. Had a call out for work. Several actually. 

Made a steak for myself in celebration of another solo week behind me. Ordered flowers for the Mrs for Mother's Day. 

No gaming. Going to watch a movie this evening and crash out. Frazzled.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 15 - No gaming. Calls for work. Late night. Nervous about going to visit my family.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 16 - No gaming. Stayed busy. Enjoying the sunshine. Chores. Flexing hours from lots of calls for work over the weekend. Radio silence from the Mrs. 3 days until travel leave. 

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 18 - Rollercoaster relationship with the Mrs. Missed hitting the weights twice, but killing it on the treadmill. Cravings seem higher when I am happy at the end of the day. I'm NOT going to journal while out visiting my family in the city. Leaving the laptop here so there should be no temptation to do any gaming. 

No gaming. Satisfied this evening. 

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 19 - No gaming. Some very serious work related stuff. Not too bad. Tempted to game. Supposed to get on a plane in the morning if weather is good. See you all in about 10 days.

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Day 31 - Back from traveling. Rough trip. Some positives and negatives. Not much to say tonight.

No gaming. Cravings high.