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TimetoWalkAway

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  1. UPDATE: Lasted Till Day 50 Taking a Step Back, I realized Gaming was simply a chink the issues that have been affecting me for a while. I've learned how to cut people out of my life and finally saw my grades spike, Naval BGO Spoke to me, Called me a "Diamond in the Rough". Funny. For my whole life, I've always been one...just trying to find the right jeweler to refine me. I'm glad I've been finally able to grow and finally make progress. Special Thanks @Ikar @30_yrs_of_gaming Without you guys. I wouldn't have been inspired enough to just back away and truly look in the mirror.
  2. At the very least, you knew it's a part of the problem, if you had no idea where to start digging, this is the path to ground zero, delve in your other behaviors, see where you went wrong as well, look at behaviors where your Hindsight was clouded and you were acting in the heat of the moment, this can sometimes reveal a rabbit hole of problems that need to be dealt with before you can truly mend the bonds, Fragile communication is communication at the least, treasure it and as all pilot's say. "Watch your Airspeed." I'll send you some other videos that go into the origins of game/internet addiction if you're truly interested in the history of this information age problem.
  3. I realized I had a problem with gaming when I noticed my playtime in middle getting longer and longer but I felt numb it at the time, The toxic community I was in enabling my behavior and after some doubting and subtle manipulation, I was back in gaming land, slowly letting my grades waste away, seeing school as just a mandatory lesson before I could head home and actually game, when I started fighting my addiction was this year when I realized that I had become a monster, hurting the people I loved and losing my positive outlook on life and turning it into one of a hopeless pessimist, only looking for external gratification to make my existence. I abused my girlfriend mentally and I became forceful and narcissistic, no one was my equal and everyone was simply property to conquer.
  4. In my Prospective. It seems to be a similar situation to mine as well. Sometimes we develop a love for a person but we don't care for ourselves enough for the other person. She wants distance to slowly put her life back together as well...but this gives you the opportunity to build a bond and friendship between you and your spouse Don't take it as a personal attack. Butn as opportunity to reflect on your actions and growing as a person. I'd be happy to send some great videos your way to help you!
  5. Growing up as autism certainly delayed that lesson for the longest time. When No one loved me, I desired external gratification to find acceptance, I lost the ability to look at myself and say. "I am good enough." I fell into a dark pit of gaming and RP to help stem that depression and find acceptance, I let the internet and gaming numb my emotions to the point of sociopathy until this pain brought me back to reality...I needed to learn to love myself before I could even consider loving her and In the course of this hell, I'm slowly learning to love myself as I discover other things about myself that I never knew. It feels liberating and rewarding.
  6. Likewise, my friend, My chances at righting my wrongs with her are slim and distant, I feel my closing in when I know I should make distance, I believe that this is a sign that My battle is not over yet and the time for complacency is not now...I must tend to myself before I tend to others as I can't make anyone happy if I'm not truly happy. I must tackle the insecurity and sadness that plagues me. But...I recommend Frederich Nitzche's take on life as one must give meaning to the meaningless. Life is simply a strange constant and we are no different to the average animal in terms of maintaining our existence but. If strive to give our lives meaning then we can truly find happiness and enlightenment.
  7. Day 30. Time. Everything in this world revolves around it and the actions we take within it have it as an either a subtle of unique factor...as I sifted my internet history and everything out of boredom, I noticed the toxic environment I put myself in...This lovely youtube channel, the pursuit of wonder has given my advice I wish I was given earlier but...it's still advice that I can carry on within my upcoming journey. I reflect and notice the anomalies that would've normally set off internal red flags but were mistakenly taken as false positives. If I found these channels sooner, I feel as if my mind would've been prepared and ready for my journey. As you see. I lived in the Doomer/Zoomer Generation. I was born in 2002 and I was around for the massive technological leap as the internet slowly become a form of social networking...I had access to instant stimuli and echo chambers where no counter could be found. I grew up in the age of innocence and exploration where those who were exposed to it at such a young age were easily entrapped and encapsulated in the area. But the innocence faded as people realized the power this network held. My mind becoming toxic as I saw the chaos and fell into a pit of despair as I thought I had no solution...I felt as there was no meaning and no way to find meaning. I believe that most of here on GQ Fall into either Doomer or Zoomer, as we progress to the Bloomer. We have decided that being masochists hedonist drown in our mental pits is not the fate we desire and we climb for freedom. We're not boomers as we've become aware of the toxicity and acknowledge it while the boomer rests in blissful ignorance. This generation is a generation of informed apathy, We all felt hopeless and turned to our vices to help cope which only led us further down the dark road... There is no way back for us...as time travel does not exist. We can only move forward and look towards the advice of those who have gone through the fire. To those that look at us and see what it cost us, it serves as a warning or a flare. We've walked down this dark road. For your own sake, Please... Don't. Follow.
  8. Day 29 Had a good talk with K. After having a nice and personal talk I got a bit of an overview of the damage, I had truly caused, the aggression, pain, and suffering I dragged her through etching scars into me as I realize what my toxicity has caused, I realized that it's not just gaming that has dragged me down this pit. Gaming Addiction was just the chink in my demon's armors as see more and more coping mechanisms that formed the Goliath of my imagination, my persona made to deal with my bullying and powerlessness as a kid became a power fantasy and I realize how abusive I had become, how narcissistic I was. I burned and torched anyone that resisted, bullied and bent to my will.... I created a dark future for myself and she said that this was a lesson that I'd likely only learn once... I want to make this shot count... I want to experience freedom and truly flourish I want to kill this demon I'll stare into that abyss but I won't let it consume me twice. Frederich Nietzsche truly was right, life truly has nothing unless we give it something. Amor Fati, Loving the life you have and embracing the cards your delt. I was given some pretty shit cards but I got some pretty good fucking aces up my sleeve and it's time to take them out. It's time to stop looking for meaning and finally make the damn meaning a reality... I drowned in a pool of my sorry by waiting for a knight in shining armor...I'm not waiting anymore. I'm climbing out of here...I just want to climb with her again...but with or without her. I'll come out of this battle a better person. Spent time talking with her brother and I saw her innocent smile again...I just want to see it again...no matter what it takes...just hearing her sing and laugh makes me truly realize what I lost...
  9. Take each day with stride and don't give up. You'll find your path.
  10. Day 24 Happy 17th Birthday to me. Today felt like a perfect birthday despite my obligations. My girlfriend spent time with family while I tended to my school's tour. Representing my school and bringing home silver for Beginning Band. I then celebrated with my stepmother and father, detached from my phone and enjoying friendly and cheery conversation over Dallas BBQ. After that My Father got me some new sport and sleep shorts. It felt nice to savor those precious social connections and just enjoy life. Complacency is for those that feel as if they reached the summit because of a false peak. There's no point in stopping until you're at the top...because why have a good view when you can have a legendary view. P.S I recommend Mac Miller's Swimming. It's about fighting internal demons and internal rebirth. It's quite soothing and interesting.
  11. Day 22 Ladies and Gentlemen. We've crossed the hellfire and I reaped one of the best rewards I could...I got my darling, back. Seeing the message of Love you, too lifted a weight off my chest as everything falls into place. I feel alive and free again...The only thing that would've made this moment was a fairy tale kiss on the lips and a gentle embrace as our bodies rest on each other...Those Small Moments that I'll never take for granted again as the 24th Day Marks Two Important Days. One being the eve of a T-5 countdown of a 1 monthDetox and the other being my 17th Birthday...The New Year and New Change Solidifying as I'm at the final year of "Childhood." I came into GQ a broken and burnt out man but I returned a strong and ready man. I finally feel free, the mask that I wore slowly shriveling up and flying away in the wind as I embrace the world with my eyes. I truly earned my second chance and I'll never let K Go again...Never Again. As for K... As I go to sleep and let the dreams of that summer and dreams of future mesh. Just know that I'll be the man I promised to be for you...I'll be there at your lowest as you were there for mine and I'll hold you dear for as long as you want me to...I love you from the bottom of my heart and We'll soon dance in the beautiful moonlight before a gentle rest...I love you and I'll see you soon.
  12. Day 20 Climbing and Teasing~. Had a nice and calm day after spring break. Got my assignments of the week and I'm just putting myself in cruise control as I get back into the flow of things. My Ex and I started to flirty and things got a bit heated. She's a bit of tease with signals but I think the gates are slowly starting opening again...I'm taking control the seat this time and well. If things go through...I might have an additional gift for my birthday evening. My work pattern is stable and A-Ok. Looking back on this month, I can safely say that I've made considerable progress! I'm so close to getting the flame of my heart back...I'll need showers of love tonight as I let my dreams soar
  13. Day 19 Mood: R E A L N Y C H O U R S Had a really good weekend and despite the lack of travel. A Fulfilling Spring Break. I recently got to see my sister get inducted into an undergraduate honor society before her graduation in May. After that. I'll have someone in the house to help me keep my father in check and a shield to allow me to be more mobile around the city. Me and My Ex have been talking more and I realize it's way more fun to be relaxed around her...I occasionally reach for my mask but...It's a thought in the back of my mind at this point. I've made peace with J and we've successfully separated...I wish him the best and I'm back to working on what truly matters in life. The man made me feel the need to wear the mask upon me is gone...He's taken his dark road and was lost to the addiction. Putting him in a similar state of delirium. He did horrible things to me and threatened my Ex but...looking back in the distance. I can see who made it farther in the end. I wish Valentine Well. I still got a way's to go but...I'm getting better. I'm still endlessly surfing the web out of boredom but that problem will eventually fix itself. I got friends and clubs now...I'm liking the real me and I'm sticking the course. Might see if I can visit my Ex Next Week after my birthday. I feel good.
  14. Day 16 Took the Opportunity to head the gym and did some cardio and some boxing, Did a Standard 12 Round Fight before heading home and relaxing. I felt completed and felt as if I earned my meal. Had a good video chat with my Ex and I realized her father had some of the worst and I mean the worst Christmas sweater.
  15. Personally, I like the Military as it opens a variety of career doors depending on your field, I'd likely find myself going into Piloting or Medical. Both fields having easy transitions into the civilian field if want to work as most airlines and cargo airlines like those with experience flying military aircraft. Personally, the US Military has one of the best Pensions, Paychecks and Benefits. Allowing me to further my Education after my service or simply Retire at 40. It's a Mixture of Passion and Options that makes the Military My Option. It opens the doors that I want to go through and I'm happy. As for my Ex. She's coming to my Birthday Party in May. It's her first opportunity as seeing me after taking off the mask and seeing me for who I truly am. It'll be hard not to activate my defenses but. It's worth it. I still want her back and she laid the option on the table if I can get squared away. I don't see it as a challenge of manhood. Rather a Reasonable Demand. She finally gets to see that I'm improving and that's all I want her to see...I want her to see the person she fell in love with on Day 1...The mask a fleeting memory. Thanks for the Video, I'll watch it when I can.
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