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Ikar

Ikar's Diary

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Day 80:

There has been nothing special happening at work today, except the fact that I got to ride on a tractor.

I have been writing and thinking basically the rest of the day. My ex wrote me in response to my letter. Trying to get feedback on my life experience from two women at the same time is a new situation for me, even if there are no plans to see any of them now. I have to be vigilant.

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Day 81:

I was tired after work, so I spent about two hours showering, cooking and eating pasta. I meditated outside for a while and finalized my reply to ex, as I try to be concise in my speech/writing. I spend a lot of time thinking and writing these days, so I will try to chop it up a bit tomorrow with some cooking and cleaning of my room.

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Day 83:

I realized I missed a day earlier when I arrived to Iceland scrolling through the previous page.

I meditated after work, cleaned my room and thought and wrote. I felt good today, enjoying the progress of my challenges rather than caring about the end results.

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Day 84:

We worked only till lunch today and I cooked soup afterwars. Therefore that gave me a lot of time to read and think. I went outside for a good hour too. 

Lately, I had the thought I have been shirking the diary. Today, I will try to probe my thoughts in a monologue rather than a dialogue.

I have had a few moments of anxiety today, but I snapped out of it fairly quickly, reminding myself of the fact that things can always be worse or by quickly thinking of something useful that could be done. 

I think that especially today, I was trying to doubt my beliefs, actions and motivations. Oddly enough, I felt bad afterwards, as I could not punch a hole in my beliefs successfully. Motivations and actions were easier to doubt though.

This obviously concerned the reason I contacted my ex. I came to the conclusion that my May letter was too rash, riddled with unsoliticited advice, even if it was sent with good intentions and good ideas. My plan is to poke her a bit the next week (90 days done by that point too), if she thought about the letter (which is really something as my personal constitution nowadays), because I spent about two weeks writing it myself and she already replied that she got it. I will try to primarily establish trust with her, see what is up with her and decide what to do. I hope I learnt my lesson.

The chat with the Hungarian girl with the awfully similar experience is ongoing as well. It has been fun writing with her thus far.

I find this "dating/relationship" plan is good as any, because I still have at least 6 weeks of Iceland, basically without a chance to see a girl.

If any of the two aforementioned are reading this by some chance, all I have to say is this:

Related to helping and connecting people in general, I decided to send my brother a postcard for his birthday. The other one was to invite everyone reading this to send me a PM, whenever they feel down, up, neutral or think I am an idiot, because GQ is about the community!

Edited by Ikar
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Day 85:

I started the day off by waking up, and well, masturbating. It kind of snuck back into my days. I cannot feel good about doing it, unless I do it long and consciously. It feels like one of those things I want to actually plan. I will commit myself to a fap-free week and see what happens then.

I had the day off, so I visited a sight in the morning and walked about 10 kilometers.

In the afternoon, we went to a swimming pool, so it was nice to hang out there as well. I translated a bit of Icelandic and took a personality test.  

I read and thought a lot today again and threw in the occassional chore for variety. I am trying to conceptualize what do I want from my future romantic partner and even read an old post by @Ambassador here on the topic. Oddly enough, I keep coming up with lot of ideas that can be refined. I might be a bit too obsessive about it, but as long as I am not hopeless and depressed about it, I think it is alright. I am in a good mood.

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Day 86:

I had an odd day at work, it felt a bit weird after the weekend.

A new worker arrived, so I spent some time with him, introducing him to the site. He seems like a cool dude, though he cannot speak a Slavic language.

I felt a bit out of focus afterwards and that made it harder to meditate and pay attention. I still got some stuff done and fell asleep outside for an hour or so. Not a bad day all things considered.

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20 hours ago, Ambassador said:

Glad to have been of any help! If you ever want to talk about it, PM me.

Thanks! If you think you left out something crucial in that old post, feel free to post it now. As for my specific matters, I will post my plans here, as I already do and write about the results.

Day 87:

The work was fine, though I have the suspicion I feel a bit down the last few days. The weather outside strangely enough corresponds with that, it has been raining quite a lot.

I wrote down a few more relationship thoughts. I responded to the girl and hanged out with an Icelander I met a week ago nearby. I just got back.

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