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Ikar's Diary


Ikar

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30 May - 6 June:

I visited the dentist after a long time, as it was fairly troublesome to find one after my old one retired. My no-porn streak still continues. At the weekend, I spent time with my friends and my girlfriend - we cleaned my car, assembled furniture at my grandma's and went for a hike. I sent the questionnaire to my students and already talked to some about the price increase. I prepared for the CELTA as well.

Happy D-Day everyone!

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 I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/5/24 - 7/6/24

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

 

Books/Reading articles/Learning:

L: I think that in the last six weeks, I've read the business book once. Not because I don't want to or because it's not practical (it's quite the opposite), but because I'm always doing something else. I have been more active here though. I also went to the speaking club a few times last month.

T: I had to return the book, as the library borrowing expired. I worked on the CELTA though, so that's learning and development.

Possible direction/goals:

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

 

Family:

L: I had a Easter family meeting and a trip with my brother to try out the new chairs in a showroom. I'm making my grandma's kitchen my priority before I leave for the CELTA course in July.

T: I have grown disappointed from the reality of my family. I always thought that if there was a real need, then we'd close up and work together. However, it just seems to me that once the bare minimum is done, then everybody just goes away and doesn't care anymore. The kitchen is a perfect example of that. It's not urgent, so it doesn't get done. I had my other duties to finish in the past year since we bought it LAST June (finishing my degree in September-January and then moving in with my girlfriend February-April), but I could've definitely done more, so I take the blame for that. Yet everybody expects me do just "do" it, while I have the least experience with it. I know nothing about electricity and gas pipes. My expertise stops at assembling furniture from IKEA.

Speaking of which, my father told me to ask my brother to help me with assembling/measuring a cabinet, to see how it works out with gas pipes. So I went for sushi with my brother. He told me that I can handle assembling it on my own. So, the next week, I took my girlfriend and another friend, who were actually willing to help me, and assembled the cabinet. It took us two hours in two/three, so I can't imagine the struggle of just doing it alone, which would probably take up the whole afternoon too. I'm not going to beg anyone for help, it's not in my nature.

It seems to me this happens every step of the way. I humbly ask for help. I get a limited piece of advice to work with. Then I don't know what to do first, because there is no plan. I can't plan it, as I have no idea what influences what. I am paralyzed, as I have no idea as to what I am missing. The work stops. Nobody ever asks me what the problem is. Everybody either ignores it or thinks it's my turn to do something.

I will try to communicate, but I think I have communicated enough and to no avail. I'm exhausted. That's on top of all the other negative stuff: my father not coming to my mom's gallery exhibition, my grandma constantly bitching about my uncle/his second wife or panicking about something trivial and my mom having a mental condition.

I just don't think families of any (former) addicts are truly good and functional. That's not to say that all the individual members need to have a bad life or something. I just mean the fact that the unit and its relationships are contaminated and it'd take a sincere effort of all involved to make it better, which is extremely rare. I think you guys @BooksandTrees and @wheatbiscuit and possibly many others would agree.

 

Spoiler

Since October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:

Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.

Weeks 11 and 12:

Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.

Weeks 13 and 14:

Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.

Weeks 14 and 15:

Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.

 

Business/English:

L: I was away for two weeks in the last six weeks, but otherwise I can again say it's been going well. The 60/55 minute transition is going well, although I think I should be stricter in enforcing it and perhaps informing my students a bit better.

My priority for the next few weeks is to prepare for the CELTA course that starts in July. I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well.

I might want to create some list of milestones I've already achieved, in the type of "past projects" below to have a better overview over the work I've done over the years, but I'll leave that for the next report.

T: I did the questionnaire part 3. I expect to have next to no lessons in July and probably a few less than usual in August. I'll probably cancel the rest of the agency courses from September, but I'll see in August.

I think I don't need to gather new ideas, but I need to work on the ones I already have.

-

20 (22) hours last week in May: Category A 75% (74); B 4% (3); C 0% (5); D 13% (11); E 8% (7). Brackets are % values from previous month/week.

-

I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:

a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging

b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)

c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)

d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality

e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality

-

NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Possible direction/goals:

With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.

Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between. - check university offers after CELTA

Create a learning plan for myself. - going to CELTA

Go through "lecturer academy" materials.

Networking and business events.

Past projects:

Questionnaire - June 2023

Fixed logos on my website for better visuals.

Updated the pricing section of my website. Variable/tiered pricing (do in July/August).

Got minor pay raises from language schools. - summer 2023

Did evaluations/testing of my students, if required.

Attended one networking event and one marketing seminar.

Introduced "phone call" classes. Update website/business profiles with "phone calls".

Lecturer academy. - fall 2023

Sample business contract on my website. - update the web with new ideas before July

Google sheets system for students. - update it

Questionnaire part 2 - January 2024

Canceled agency courses - March

Taxes - April/May

60/55 minutes online transition - April/May

Questionnaire part 3 - June

CELTA - July

 

Exercise/Movement:

L: Went for a hiking holiday with my girlfriend in Slovenia for two weeks. Went cycling and running as well.

T: Went for a hike and went running a few times too. Visited doctors for checkups.

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.

Keep in shape.

 

Blogging:

L:  I actually got a spur of inspiration and wrote an article in two days. Wow 😄 

T: I had an idea for an article and I wanted to write it, but then I did something more urgent and I haven't had the time since. Oh well.

Possible direction/goals:

Find a suitable UI/web template.

Set up emailing for subs.

Post two articles a month.

Polish links in articles. Interlink new articles with old ones.

Finish articles in concepts.

 

---

 

What to do if I am bored?

Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters

Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, blogging

 

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Additional thoughts/activities:

I had somehow thought I would have more time to do "stuff" after I finished the university in January. I put on average 2-3 hours towards my thesis a day to it throughout October-January.

The thing is, I don't think I do have more time. February-April was about moving in with my girlfriend. I'm happy I did. I also had an uptick in the number of students/lessons. I'm also happy for that.

However, I have 10 things I have to/should do in my head now. I spent some 5 hours on exploring/writing this report to help me sift through it all.

Some of the things are nice and I want to do them, but I don't have the time. Some of them are important or promised, but I don't want to do them. It's OK, I am not THAT much under pressure, but I need a system to get these things done and to move forward.

My priorities for the next six weeks:

Prepare for the CELTA English teaching course that starts in six weeks. - almost done

I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well. - done

Reconstruct my grandma's kitchen. - working

 

My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: stopped watching porn, visited an art exhibition (in which my mom participated), played Scrabble with my girlfriend, went hiking, visited a debate about my region, spent time with my friends.

 

---

 

Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2024:

Main must-have plans for 2024:

Prepare for (Feb-June) and successfully make (July-August) the CELTA certificate course.

Finish the university in January. In case something goes horribly wrong, then in May. I've got this.

Move in with my girlfriend in April.

Set up the new kitchen for my grandma.

Optional nice-to-have plans for 2024:

Re-start my financial blog in February.

Learn how to type with all ten fingers on the keyboard.

Habits:

Stop watching porn (again).

Start getting up when my alarm rings = Put my alarm across the room.

Establish flossing at least once a week.

Exercise regularly.

Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, working on good life/work balance.

It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.

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8 June - 11 June:

I went out with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. I also visited my family and worked on the kitchen. I went to the last of the doctor's appointments and I am happy to say everything is OK.

I've been craving porn for the last few days, but I'm porn-free for almost a month. I'm in touch with a non-profit that offers resources and support for porn addicts. If you guys @Pochatok and @BooksandTrees are struggling sometimes, don't be afraid to reach out.

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12 June - 16 June:

I met my friend, spent time with my girlfriend and attended a small high-school reunion. It was nice to see the guys after a while.

I also finished the testing of students who had it as a requirement. I also worked on updating my website yesterday, although I am heavily considering consulting a professional. I strongly believe in improving my online presence as much as I believe in improving my actual teaching skills. It's really on the same level and these two must go together.

My brother, my girlfriend and I also visited my mom at the spa. The visit was OK, so I hope it helps her mental health. She should come back home the next week.

I was also a bit bored yesterday, but I did some things around the flat. It's odd, but necessary to be bored sometimes.

I haven't watched porn in almost a month, so hooray for that 😄 

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A month without porn. I have to say it wasn't even that hard. I had some low-level urges on week 3. I sometimes think of it, but it goes as fast as it comes. I haven't even set up any blockers (so I can be at my "favorites" in a few seconds), but I just don't care. I only let my girlfriend and friend know that I wanted to quit it, because I thought I watched it too much. That and maybe reading and doing some exercises for (half) hour daily from a "say no to porn" course. I'll continue at least until the end of August.

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17 June - 21 June:

I finished the pre-course task for CELTA on Monday. I worked out on Tuesday and wrote mails asking for the redesign of my website.

I had a great meeting about the website on Wednesday and it turned out pretty great and was very inspirational. The guy actually advocated the idea (as a web-designer himself) that the web I made myself is in a good enough shape. He said that all that it needed was traffic and that the traffic would be cheaper via using PPC. I set up two other meetings with web-designers, but I think his wholesome approach is actually what I'm looking for. We'll see. I finished Wednesday with a few friends playing a pub quiz.

Thursday morning saw me watching porn after a month. I didn't have a reason for it; I just wanted to do it. I have to say it was underwhelming overall. I told my girlfriend pretty much right after. I haven't had any thoughts about porn since. I feel rather apathetic about it. It did however prompt a discussion with my girlfriend in how are we going to manage our sex life. Even with two or so months of relatively little porn use, I fail to get predictably aroused or have a desire to have sex without any, ehm, physical effort. My girlfriend and I set up a plan to deal with that. I think sexual uncertainty (even if solely from my side) could make me use porn. I believe that porn is a remnant of my teenage years, when I didn't have any sex and really any relationship. Therefore, I shouldn't need it and I don't think I need it for the last few years. I just want to be in control of it.

-

Yesterday was also destabilizing for another reason. There's been objective progress on my grandma's kitchen in the last month or so; ever since I got back from Slovenia, I made it my priority. My brother, my father, my girlfriend, another friend and I all chipped in. We set up a few cabinets, measured dimensions, discussed the steps, set up the plan of works...

And she's throwing a tantrum. Now. Asking questions, when everything she needed to know has been already answered. When we're planning it in exactly such a way as not to cause any disruption in her flat; she still has the old kitchen fully operational. Sending messages and calling left and right. Stressing out my mom who is recovering her mental health in a spa. Accusing my brother of messing up her sink while measuring some dimensions. Harassing my father to call the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution. (What for? Because some random hags on the street comment on it. Really.)

And thus spitting on all my effort I've put into this the last month by disregarding it and behaving irrationally. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the second half of the last year, when I was working on getting my diploma on top of my regular work. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the first few months of this year, when I was working on finding a flat to move in and finally moving in with my girlfriend. It's beyond my comprehension why I (we) get such a reaction now when there definitely isn't a lack of progress.

The result? An unplanned visit to her tomorrow, with my father, a gasman and I. After the gas work is done, I plan to let her know the above, in a more polite way. I also refuse the abuse of my mom, my father and my brother. It's really the most abuse I've been subject to in years. I refuse to be abused, by anyone.

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

17 June - 21 June:

I finished the pre-course task for CELTA on Monday. I worked out on Tuesday and wrote mails asking for the redesign of my website.

I had a great meeting about the website on Wednesday and it turned out pretty great and was very inspirational. The guy actually advocated the idea (as a web-designer himself) that the web I made myself is in a good enough shape. He said that all that it needed was traffic and that the traffic would be cheaper via using PPC. I set up two other meetings with web-designers, but I think his wholesome approach is actually what I'm looking for. We'll see. I finished Wednesday with a few friends playing a pub quiz.

Thursday morning saw me watching porn after a month. I didn't have a reason for it; I just wanted to do it. I have to say it was underwhelming overall. I told my girlfriend pretty much right after. I haven't had any thoughts about porn since. I feel rather apathetic about it. It did however prompt a discussion with my girlfriend in how are we going to manage our sex life. Even with two or so months of relatively little porn use, I fail to get predictably aroused or have a desire to have sex without any, ehm, physical effort. My girlfriend and I set up a plan to deal with that. I think sexual uncertainty (even if solely from my side) could make me use porn. I believe that porn is a remnant of my teenage years, when I didn't have any sex and really any relationship. Therefore, I shouldn't need it and I don't think I need it for the last few years. I just want to be in control of it.

-

Yesterday was also destabilizing for another reason. There's been objective progress on my grandma's kitchen in the last month or so; ever since I got back from Slovenia, I made it my priority. My brother, my father, my girlfriend, another friend and I all chipped in. We set up a few cabinets, measured dimensions, discussed the steps, set up the plan of works...

And she's throwing a tantrum. Now. Asking questions, when everything she needed to know has been already answered. When we're planning it in exactly such a way as not to cause any disruption in her flat; she still has the old kitchen fully operational. Sending messages and calling left and right. Stressing out my mom who is recovering her mental health in a spa. Accusing my brother of messing up her sink while measuring some dimensions. Harassing my father to call the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution. (What for? Because some random hags on the street comment on it. Really.)

And thus spitting on all my effort I've put into this the last month by disregarding it and behaving irrationally. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the second half of the last year, when I was working on getting my diploma on top of my regular work. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the first few months of this year, when I was working on finding a flat to move in and finally moving in with my girlfriend. It's beyond my comprehension why I (we) get such a reaction now when there definitely isn't a lack of progress.

The result? An unplanned visit to her tomorrow, with my father, a gasman and I. After the gas work is done, I plan to let her know the above, in a more polite way. I also refuse the abuse of my mom, my father and my brother. It's really the most abuse I've been subject to in years. I refuse to be abused, by anyone.

"Calling the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution." Heh, say what? Sorry Ikar :X

You know what I miss? Prepubescent years when all I had were ideas about how girls would sound having my last name, or vague jealousies when my hand wasn't the only one ever held in a 'buddy' system walking to and from classrooms. Otherwise, out in the schoolyard, we were all just friends.

I had a thought in the gym this morning sort of about specialisation (and trust in other people's specialties) or the 'classes' on that train in 'Snowpiercer'. Obviously, I thought, I'm preferably one of these big dumb bull/workhorse types - which wouldn't bother me if I felt no pressure at all to be informed on everything and hyper-social, to make up for the anti-social that seems to be everywhere at times. I miss 'losing' control, in times when I felt that myself and everyone around were in flow-states, completely oblivious to any deep-seated problems that either could be side-stepped or forgotten until bedtime. But these days I have to have an idea of how I want everything to go, I guess.

Today, I was doing squats next to someone making the most lifting noises and even 'erratic' movements by far I've ever witnessed. Miraculously, I was almost completely unbothered by him individually, but could still sort of feel everyone else's nervousness. Also, he just had to be a different ethnicity and thus to my basest instincts could be unpredictable, or I could fail badly trying to relate to him/start up a conversation. I made sure not to grunt even once, taking deep and slow breaths.

Anyway, I'm probably not alone here either in always admiring your progress/updates man. I'm thinking liking and maybe distinguishing between one's own qualities and supposedly inherited ones is helpful. Control, or simply not-fumbling. Maybe. Good luck 👍

Edited by wheatbiscuit
grammar and stuffs
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Saw your diary pop out in daily journals and woah, man, glad you are doing so well, considering your first posts when you started with gamequitters. I also struggle with porn, since I broke up with my first gf, never actually watched porn before. Did you struggle with porn addiction always? Meaning, if it was also a problem with your ex gf, or when you started dating or so. The most I could do without porn was 3 days. I am 33 years old, and feel so damn miserable, like I am even considering paying some OF girls to have a virtual gf. Lol

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16 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

"Calling the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution." Heh, say what? Sorry Ikar :X

I didn't put that together intentionally, but thanks for pointing it out, I had a chuckle 😄

16 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

You know what I miss? Prepubescent years when all I had were ideas about how girls would sound having my last name, or vague jealousies when my hand wasn't the only one ever held in a 'buddy' system walking to and from classrooms. Otherwise, out in the schoolyard, we were all just friends.

I had a thought in the gym this morning sort of about specialisation (and trust in other people's specialties) or the 'classes' on that train in 'Snowpiercer'. Obviously, I thought, I'm preferably one of these big dumb bull/workhorse types - which wouldn't bother me if I felt no pressure at all to be informed on everything and hyper-social, to make up for the anti-social that seems to be everywhere at times. I miss 'losing' control, in times when I felt that myself and everyone around were in flow-states, completely oblivious to any deep-seated problems that either could be side-stepped or forgotten until bedtime. But these days I have to have an idea of how I want everything to go, I guess.

I used to envy some guys their girlfriends, but it's been a long time since I really envied anyone anything. Especially because with some time, exploration and effort, I believe can achieve anything. The thing about working hard is that it is not what actually always matters the most. Working hard can get you to a bad or substandard result, which is obviously no good. The issue is that experience is hard to transfer and even then, you need to be at the right place at the right time to make use of it.

16 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Anyway, I'm probably not alone here either in always admiring your progress/updates man. I'm thinking liking and maybe distinguishing between one's own qualities and supposedly inherited ones is helpful. Control, or simply not-fumbling. Maybe. Good luck 👍

Thanks! I quit games a long time ago, so I can really say in all honesty that a lot of the things were a mess, but I have fixed what I could and I learnt to deal with the rest of them.

Kitchen update: The gaswork is done. Reassured my grandma and told her to calm down. The atmosphere today was heated, but I was collected and I handled it well.

7 hours ago, Heretic666 said:

Saw your diary pop out in daily journals and woah, man, glad you are doing so well, considering your first posts when you started with gamequitters. I also struggle with porn, since I broke up with my first gf, never actually watched porn before. Did you struggle with porn addiction always? Meaning, if it was also a problem with your ex gf, or when you started dating or so. The most I could do without porn was 3 days. I am 33 years old, and feel so damn miserable, like I am even considering paying some OF girls to have a virtual gf. Lol

Thank you! Indeed, it has been a long time. I think things certainly improved over the last five years 😄 

As for porn, I guess it's been there in one way or another since I was a teenager and perhaps since I started gaming too much (maybe when I was 13/14?). I don't think it directly impacted the relationship with my first girlfriend (five/six years ago), but granted some of the issues I've been having now, I just decided to have more control over it. I hope you'll be able to balance your relationship with porn better. You're worthy of a real relationship with a real woman and you shouldn't have to pay for fake affection 😞 

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

I didn't put that together intentionally, but thanks for pointing it out, I had a chuckle 😄

I used to envy some guys their girlfriends, but it's been a long time since I really envied anyone anything. Especially because with some time, exploration and effort, I believe can achieve anything. The thing about working hard is that it is not what actually always matters the most. Working hard can get you to a bad or substandard result, which is obviously no good. The issue is that experience is hard to transfer and even then, you need to be at the right place at the right time to make use of it.

Thanks! I quit games a long time ago, so I can really say in all honesty that a lot of the things were a mess, but I have fixed what I could and I learnt to deal with the rest of them.

Kitchen update: The gaswork is done. Reassured my grandma and told her to calm down. The atmosphere today was heated, but I was collected and I handled it well.

Thank you! Indeed, it has been a long time. I think things certainly improved over the last five years 😄 

As for porn, I guess it's been there in one way or another since I was a teenager and perhaps since I started gaming too much (maybe when I was 13/14?). I don't think it directly impacted the relationship with my first girlfriend (five/six years ago), but granted some of the issues I've been having now, I just decided to have more control over it. I hope you'll be able to balance your relationship with porn better. You're worthy of a real relationship with a real woman and you shouldn't have to pay for fake affection 😞 

Yeak I know man but that’s also the thing - when it comes to porn, I mainly look for girls who are the same type as my ex gf. Slim,long brown hair, blue eyes.. otherwise I can’t watch the porn. And I don’t think it has to do anything with having a type, becasue I find other girls, like apperanace, attractive, but I just like to watch or even having an imagination with a girl being similar looking as my gf.. as I am trying not to think about her, I am finding these different options. But the thing is it’s almost three years since we broke up and it’s still so damn fresh. Reading your diary from the first posts totally brought me back and I just could feel your pain you went through. Love sucks haha

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4 hours ago, Heretic666 said:

Love sucks haha

i would describe what you're going through as grief- loving, longing for something that's no longer available. I think you're still grieving a lost relationship, but in a way that reinforces, rather than dissolves your desire. best of luck quitting- you already seem to understand the complexity of the problem, and i know that you will find a way out ❤️

On 6/12/2024 at 12:57 AM, Ikar said:

If you guys @Pochatok and @BooksandTrees are struggling sometimes, don't be afraid to reach out.

will take you up on the offer! been doing well too, but quite curious about your experiences !

 

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9 hours ago, Heretic666 said:

Yeak I know man but that’s also the thing - when it comes to porn, I mainly look for girls who are the same type as my ex gf. Slim,long brown hair, blue eyes.. otherwise I can’t watch the porn. And I don’t think it has to do anything with having a type, becasue I find other girls, like apperanace, attractive, but I just like to watch or even having an imagination with a girl being similar looking as my gf.. as I am trying not to think about her, I am finding these different options. But the thing is it’s almost three years since we broke up and it’s still so damn fresh. Reading your diary from the first posts totally brought me back and I just could feel your pain you went through. Love sucks haha

It depends on the situation you are in, and if it has changed or not. I broke up with my X at the start of 2019. I was fairly devastated too, as she was my whole social life. I didn't have any other interactions with girls for the rest of the year, because I wasn't in a place to do so (quite literally physically, so I had to move at the end of 2019, but obviously not only to find a girlfriend 🙂 ). 2020 saw me going out and flirting with girls and at the end of the year, I managed to have sex and a relationship for a few months after. Therefore, it took me roughly 21 months to have sex again (unpaid and willing, of course). Some guys say you haven't truly "moved on" from one relationship to another until you have sex and I think there's some merit to that. You don't have to grief that one relationship for the rest of your life.

5 hours ago, Pochatok said:

i would describe what you're going through as grief- loving, longing for something that's no longer available. I think you're still grieving a lost relationship, but in a way that reinforces, rather than dissolves your desire. best of luck quitting- you already seem to understand the complexity of the problem, and i know that you will find a way out ❤️

will take you up on the offer! been doing well too, but quite curious about your experiences !

I agree with you about the relationship! Looking forward to reading your next entry in your diary.

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22 June - 28 June:

Saturday 22: My girlfriend, two friends and I went to an 8km running competition. The terrain was tough and it was hard to estimate how far were we on the track, but we enjoyed it anyway. I ran behind my girlfriend for a good part of the race. She was quite shocked when I came up from behind her just a few seconds after she had finished the race 😄 I rushed to get to my grandma after due to the kitchen works. Everything turned out OK as I described in posts above though.

Sunday 23: Relaxing day, just a few minor chores and spending time with my girlfriend.

Monday 24: Had a meeting regarding my new website. Went to a table football tournament with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We got a memorial card, as it's the last table football tournament by the organizer. A new guy will take up after him for the future.

Tuesday 25: Minor chores and many English lessons this day.

Wednesday 26: Had another meeting regarding my new website. Took my car to the mechanic for a checkup regarding the rusty chassis and got a quote on it. Went for a sushi with a former student/friend and went to Toastmasters for the first time in two months. We had a good time after that 😄 

Thursday 27: Mixed day of errands and lessons. Made the final decision to work with two professionals in the end, as they can both provide a unique perspective/contribution, both have a bit of a different specialization and 15+ years of experience. I'm proud of myself to have handled the situation the way I did. We'll start work on the website when I return from the CELTA at the end of July.

Friday 28: Had a promotion ceremony from the uni, so all family and my girlfriend gathered to attend. Had a short discussion about the kitchen after it. Minor work errands and lessons during the day as well.

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Porn: I watched porn on 20 and 27 June, really at the same time in the morning. I didn't plan for it, but both times I was just horny and my girlfriend wasn't around. In fact, in both cases I had sex with my girlfriend the same day later on, without any shame, regret, disappointment or any other negative feelings. I'm not making any conclusions yet, but I'd be happy if I could manage it this way. The big question is of course how I'm going to handle being without her for the next 14 days when I'm at the CELTA training in another city and how I'm going to cope with the new situation.

I think making a "crusade" against porn doesn't make sense in my case. I don't need to read up and do exercises on negatives of porn for an hour daily to counter half hour of porn a week. As I wrote above, I'm not an everyday heavy user of porn. I was an everyday heavy user of games and streaming, but I managed to "neutralize" my relationship to games and heavy gamers. I don't hate games and I don't hate gamers; just as I don't hate horse-riders or Instagram users. In fact, I often feel empathy towards other guys here on the forum. I know how extensive gaming made me frail and how I managed to overcome it, exactly by finding alternatives that met my needs.

Lastly, there have been a few challenges regarding the organization of the CELTA course, but I'm sure I'll handle it all. I became ready to handle it, as well as I became ready for a new website. All this investment led me (and will lead me) to quite a big spending, but I think it's correct to think of it more as investing. I still have sizeable long-term reserves I'd rather not touch, but I am willing to use them to support my business and education rather than let them slowly appreciate in the stock market. The return on my business will be many times higher than the return on the stock market, plus it will support my positive feeling about my business.

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5 hours ago, Ikar said:

22 June - 28 June:

Saturday 22: My girlfriend, two friends and I went to an 8km running competition. The terrain was tough and it was hard to estimate how far were we on the track, but we enjoyed it anyway. I ran behind my girlfriend for a good part of the race. She was quite shocked when I came up from behind her just a few seconds after she had finished the race 😄 I rushed to get to my grandma after due to the kitchen works. Everything turned out OK as I described in posts above though.

Sunday 23: Relaxing day, just a few minor chores and spending time with my girlfriend.

Monday 24: Had a meeting regarding my new website. Went to a table football tournament with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We got a memorial card, as it's the last table football tournament by the organizer. A new guy will take up after him for the future.

Tuesday 25: Minor chores and many English lessons this day.

Wednesday 26: Had another meeting regarding my new website. Took my car to the mechanic for a checkup regarding the rusty chassis and got a quote on it. Went for a sushi with a former student/friend and went to Toastmasters for the first time in two months. We had a good time after that 😄 

Thursday 27: Mixed day of errands and lessons. Made the final decision to work with two professionals in the end, as they can both provide a unique perspective/contribution, both have a bit of a different specialization and 15+ years of experience. I'm proud of myself to have handled the situation the way I did. We'll start work on the website when I return from the CELTA at the end of July.

Friday 28: Had a promotion ceremony from the uni, so all family and my girlfriend gathered to attend. Had a short discussion about the kitchen after it. Minor work errands and lessons during the day as well.

-

Porn: I watched porn on 20 and 27 June, really at the same time in the morning. I didn't plan for it, but both times I was just horny and my girlfriend wasn't around. In fact, in both cases I had sex with my girlfriend the same day later on, without any shame, regret, disappointment or any other negative feelings. I'm not making any conclusions yet, but I'd be happy if I could manage it this way. The big question is of course how I'm going to handle being without her for the next 14 days when I'm at the CELTA training in another city and how I'm going to cope with the new situation.

I think making a "crusade" against porn doesn't make sense in my case. I don't need to read up and do exercises on negatives of porn for an hour daily to counter half hour of porn a week. As I wrote above, I'm not an everyday heavy user of porn. I was an everyday heavy user of games and streaming, but I managed to "neutralize" my relationship to games and heavy gamers. I don't hate games and I don't hate gamers; just as I don't hate horse-riders or Instagram users. In fact, I often feel empathy towards other guys here on the forum. I know how extensive gaming made me frail and how I managed to overcome it, exactly by finding alternatives that met my needs.

Lastly, there have been a few challenges regarding the organization of the CELTA course, but I'm sure I'll handle it all. I became ready to handle it, as well as I became ready for a new website. All this investment led me (and will lead me) to quite a big spending, but I think it's correct to think of it more as investing. I still have sizeable long-term reserves I'd rather not touch, but I am willing to use them to support my business and education rather than let them slowly appreciate in the stock market. The return on my business will be many times higher than the return on the stock market, plus it will support my positive feeling about my business.

Is there anything specific you look for in porn? Like if you look for similar girls to your gf or a totally different looking girls by appearance.  Also - your gf is okay with that? Recently I had a talk with my female friend who said that she views this as a cheating too, when men faps to other women, even when they are in a relationship. I’ve never watched porn during my relationship with my ex gf, but nowadays I do watch it, as I said already, but only to videos with similar looking girls as my ex….

 

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Something about this subject of indecent films. As children many people are exposed to particular types of popular films and other media promoted by the government. In many of these films, female characters are portrayed in a sexually revealing and accessible way. And this is being shown to children.

These types of films program from a young age that personal desires are the pedestal of goals, and carry over into adolescence. There was the school ball, where I saw boys making inappropriate comments to their female classmates. And of course intoxicants had to be there, because popular films depicted them as essential. 

Why should desires be on a pedestal? If you look at the history of where you come from, your ancestors were truly hierarchical and were healthy and that is because the rules of their life made them so.

Edited by Amphibian220
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1 hour ago, Heretic666 said:

Is there anything specific you look for in porn? Like if you look for similar girls to your gf or a totally different looking girls by appearance.  Also - your gf is okay with that? Recently I had a talk with my female friend who said that she views this as a cheating too, when men faps to other women, even when they are in a relationship. I’ve never watched porn during my relationship with my ex gf, but nowadays I do watch it, as I said already, but only to videos with similar looking girls as my ex….

I don't think I look for anything specific physically. It's mostly just about pretty girls and their desire to have sex. I know the videos I watch are a kind of sci-fi. I think my girlfriend mimics my opinion of porn; it's a problem for her as long as it's a problem for me. I think I'd be in big trouble if I watched videos reminiscent of my exes.

33 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Something about this subject of indecent films. As children many people are exposed to particular types of popular films and other media promoted by the government. In many of these films, female characters are portrayed in a sexually revealing and accessible way. And this is being shown to children.

These types of films program from a young age that personal desires are the pedestal of goals, and carry over into adolescence. There was the school ball, where I saw boys making inappropriate comments to their female classmates. And of course intoxicants had to be there, because popular films depicted them as essential. 

Why should desires be on a pedestal? If you look at the history of where you come from, your ancestors were truly hierarchical and were healthy and that is because the rules of their life made them so.

I always have a good laugh when governments try to moralize people, when it's clear they also have their own agenda that doesn't have to be in the best interest of the people. Coronavirus pandemic would be nothing compared to a prohibition. Forget smuggling and black market. We'd have a civil war in weeks here. So our governments don't do anything about alcohol, while being quite heavy-handed towards drugs that don't have as many consumers.

I think I have a strong desire and ambition to be/become successful. I think this can also go against the desire to be healthy; individuals can risk their lives in order to become successful. People changed the rules of the game over time so that health/survival is really not the top value anymore.

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 I'm using the template I used the last time. 8/6/24 - 30/6/24

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

 

Books/Reading articles/Learning:

L: I had to return the book, as the library borrowing expired. I worked on the CELTA though, so that's learning and development.

T: Had a few tasks from the CELTA pre-course assignment. I also went to the speakers' club.

Possible direction/goals:

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

 

Family:

L: I have grown disappointed from the reality of my family. I always thought that if there was a real need, then we'd close up and work together. However, it just seems to me that once the bare minimum is done, then everybody just goes away and doesn't care anymore. The kitchen is a perfect example of that. It's not urgent, so it doesn't get done. I had my other duties to finish in the past year since we bought it LAST June (finishing my degree in September-January and then moving in with my girlfriend February-April), but I could've definitely done more, so I take the blame for that. Yet everybody expects me do just "do" it, while I have the least experience with it. I know nothing about electricity and gas pipes. My expertise stops at assembling furniture from IKEA.

Speaking of which, my father told me to ask my brother to help me with assembling/measuring a cabinet, to see how it works out with gas pipes. So I went for sushi with my brother. He told me that I can handle assembling it on my own. So, the next week, I took my girlfriend and another friend, who were actually willing to help me, and assembled the cabinet. It took us two hours in two/three, so I can't imagine the struggle of just doing it alone, which would probably take up the whole afternoon too. I'm not going to beg anyone for help, it's not in my nature.

It seems to me this happens every step of the way. I humbly ask for help. I get a limited piece of advice to work with. Then I don't know what to do first, because there is no plan. I can't plan it, as I have no idea what influences what. I am paralyzed, as I have no idea as to what I am missing. The work stops. Nobody ever asks me what the problem is. Everybody either ignores it or thinks it's my turn to do something.

I will try to communicate, but I think I have communicated enough and to no avail. I'm exhausted. That's on top of all the other negative stuff: my father not coming to my mom's gallery exhibition, my grandma constantly bitching about my uncle/his second wife or panicking about something trivial and my mom having a mental condition.

I just don't think families of any (former) addicts are truly good and functional. That's not to say that all the individual members need to have a bad life or something. I just mean the fact that the unit and its relationships are contaminated and it'd take a sincere effort of all involved to make it better, which is extremely rare. I think you guys @BooksandTrees and @wheatbiscuit and possibly many others would agree.

T: I'm not going to repeat the text I wrote a week or so ago. I'll just say that my girlfriend rightfully called my family out at my promotion ceremony on Friday. They were too proud for their merits to their contribution towards my studies.

I almost cried at the point when she mentioned it. I could count how many times I have cried in the last five years on one hand. I suceeded not because, but despite my teenage years and adolescence. I'm sad I'll likely never have close familial relationships, but it is what it is. I'm not angry, just jaded.

 

Spoiler

Since October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:

Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.

Weeks 11 and 12:

Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.

Weeks 13 and 14:

Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.

Weeks 14 and 15:

Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.

 

Business/English:

L: My priority for the next few weeks is to prepare for the CELTA course that starts in July. I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well.

I might want to create some list of milestones I've already achieved, in the type of "past projects" below to have a better overview over the work I've done over the years, but I'll leave that for the next report.

I did the questionnaire part 3. I expect to have next to no lessons in July and probably a few less than usual in August. I'll probably cancel the rest of the agency courses from September, but I'll see in August.

I think I don't need to gather new ideas, but I need to work on the ones I already have.

T:

-

15 (20) hours last week in June: Category A 68% (75); B 5% (4); C 0% (0); D 17% (13); E 10% (8). Brackets are % values from previous month/week.

-

I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:

a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging

b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)

c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)

d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality

e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality

-

NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Possible direction/goals:

With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.

Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between. - check university offers after CELTA

Create a learning plan for myself. - going to CELTA

Go through "lecturer academy" materials.

Networking and business events.

Past projects:

Questionnaire - June 2023

Fixed logos on my website for better visuals.

Updated the pricing section of my website. Variable/tiered pricing (do in July/August).

Got minor pay raises from language schools. - summer 2023

Did evaluations/testing of my students, if required.

Attended one networking event and one marketing seminar.

Introduced "phone call" classes. Update website/business profiles with "phone calls".

Lecturer academy. - fall 2023

Sample business contract on my website. - update the web with new ideas before July

Google sheets system for students. - update it

Questionnaire part 2 - January 2024

Canceled agency courses - March

Taxes - April/May

60/55 minutes online transition - April/May

Questionnaire part 3 - June

CELTA - July

 

Exercise/Movement:

L: Went for a hike and went running a few times too. Visited doctors for checkups.

T: Cycled, hiked, ran and went to a workout playground the last few weeks.

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.

Keep in shape.

 

Blogging:

L:  I actually got a spur of inspiration and wrote an article in two days. Wow 😄 

I had an idea for an article and I wanted to write it, but then I did something more urgent and I haven't had the time since. Oh well.

T: -

Possible direction/goals:

Find a suitable UI/web template.

Set up emailing for subs.

Post two articles a month.

Polish links in articles. Interlink new articles with old ones.

Finish articles in concepts.

 

---

 

What to do if I am bored?

Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters

Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, blogging

 

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Additional thoughts/activities:

Some of the things are nice and I want to do them, but I don't have the time. Some of them are important or promised, but I don't want to do them. It's OK, I am not THAT much under pressure, but I need a system to get these things done and to move forward.

My priorities for the next six weeks:

Prepare for the CELTA English teaching course that starts in six weeks. - done

I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well. - done

Reconstruct my grandma's kitchen. - working, on hiatus while I am gone

 

My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: spent time with friends, went hiking/cycling/running, managed porn use, did English testing of my students, dealth with some obstacles regarding CELTA, started work on my new website, worked on my grandma's kitchen, played at a table football tournament.

 

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Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2024:

Main must-have plans for 2024:

Prepare for (Feb-June) and successfully make (July-August) the CELTA certificate course.

Finish the university in January. In case something goes horribly wrong, then in May. I've got this.

Move in with my girlfriend in April.

Set up the new kitchen for my grandma.

Optional nice-to-have plans for 2024:

Re-start my financial blog in February.

Learn how to type with all ten fingers on the keyboard.

Habits:

Stop watching porn (again).

Start getting up when my alarm rings = Put my alarm across the room.

Establish flossing at least once a week.

Exercise regularly.

Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, working on good life/work balance.

It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.

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1 July - 4 July:

The CELTA is really busy and intensive. We're in training basically from 9 to 6, with an hour for lunch and a few breaks in between. I've been able to manage everything so far, though I can say it's taking its toll on me to have much less "me" time than usual. It's all interesting, but quite condensed and exhausting. Gotta relax.

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5 July - 7 July:

I put in around 10 hours of worktime for the course at the weekend. I took Thursday and Friday evenings "off", so I had more things to catch up on now. Still, I did most of the work in the mornings and had afternoons and evenings free. I (fast) walked too, as the constant sitting is just extremely unhealthy. They should give us some exercise lessons too 😄

I do feel that the course is somewhat... arduous. That said, I do think the methodology is relevant. I also think that I'll become more "natural" with it over time, but at the moment, it leaves me somehow bound. I just feel like I am trying so hard not to fuck up that I forget to have fun during the lessons. I also don't want to practice myself, if planning/analyzing takes me 3 hours for a 45 minute lesson. We'll see.

Most of the other course attendees are foreigners; I'd call them global citizens. There are a few other Czechs around 20 gaining experience and an older guy around 35, with whom I probably share the most with, as he seems happy with where he is at. All that reminded me I actually don't care that much about traveling and perhaps meeting new people, except... that I do, but on a local scale.

Even though I wasn't organizing the event from the start, the idea was to go to the center of Prague to watch football. I was set up with another girl, and possibly another guy with his girlfriend and two other girls. In the end, nobody showed up.

I still had a beer and sat down to watch. As it was a typical pub, there were a few regulars around and we started chatting a little. Nothing serious, just about the match and a dog in the pub. I think this made the evening worthwhile, as I spoke to somebody so close in proximity, yet so far away from my usual social bubble.

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