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Ikar's Diary


Ikar

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  I'm using the template I used the last time. 18/02/23 - 16/03/23


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

 First off, I've been looking forward to writing this and having the time to do so. I like this habit of mine 🙂

 

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Books/Reading articles:

L: I read Prisoners of Geography: Ten Maps That Explain Everything About the World. It was a nice book from my field, recommended by my girlfriend. Fairly caught up on the newsletters.

T: No books, just some newsletters, although I've just borrowed Idiot by Dostoevsky.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

 

Family:

L: I went to lunches with my brother and my dad. I still can't get myself to care about the kitchen. I guess the time shall come.

T: Mom's gonna be intermittently in and out of the hospital possibly forever. Our uncle came to visit us with my cousin. I'm working on getting my grandma the new kitchen. I also "inherited" my father's old car as he got a new one. I'm happy and grateful for that and I hope it will serve me for a long time.

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

 

University:

L: I finished the exam at the end of January. The university started again this week. I expect I will spend about 8 hours a week present on classes and another 5 hours a week working on the assignments.

T: The university has been taking up around 13 hours a week in total as I predicted. I'm gonna go for a trip to Finland with a few of my classmates.

NOT: I don't want to drop out of the university.

Possible direction/goals:

Do the main part of my diploma in summer 2023 and do the defense and finals in January/February 2024.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

 

Job/English:

L: I went to a small business conference, although I quickly found out that a) my acquaintances hadn't arrived and b) the topic of the conference wasn't useful for me. I actually redesigned my website and did the SEO on my own in the free time I had by not going to Georgia and still having a week off.

T: I got a few more private students/courses this month, the total should be around 3,5 hours a week more.

Language school 1 told me they can only increase my wage from September after negotiating a new contract, so we'll see if I am there long enough to see it. Language school 2 increased my wage right away last year without a problem and if they couldn't go into loss with some courses, they promised (and raised it) a few months later.

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Classes are at a stable 25-30 hours a week, plus a few hours for admin work.

Example for 28 hours next week: Category A 55%; B 12%; C 0%; D 11%; E 22%.

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I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:

a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging

b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)

c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)

d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality

e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality

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NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Possible direction/goals:

With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.

Keep classes at a stable 25-30 hours a week. I'm likely going to outsource a few of the projects, such as the modern re-design of my website, SEO and perhaps some more advanced marketing stuff. My students have also been helpful as far as this goes. I have many upcoming projects in the pipeline.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

Write down specific areas and what I want to do in them:

Update my website to reflect the new ideas and inspiration from the web.

Get a customized redesign and SEO for the website.

Networking events. = Attend networking event on 5th April.

Variable pricing.

Work on Linked In - use the notes from seminar.

Look into strategies in becoming truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

 

Exercise/Movement:

L: I got the bike back from the service. We've been going for walks with my girlfriend fairly often and on Sunday we are planning to go to the swimming pool.

T: About the same.

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.

Keep in shape.

 

Women/Dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December 20)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. (September/October)

To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it. (Oct/Nov 21)

I've been meeting one girl for about a month now, both in a planned way but also running into her randomly. She seems shy, a maverick/lone-wolf to a great extent, but also quite honest. I think it's gonna be interesting. Gonna meet her on Monday and do something together again. (Nov)

So I've been out a few times with the Georgian girl I met at the beginning of October. She's fun to be around, likes my analytical mind and so we sometimes grapple intellectually. She's also kind and I'd argue more compassionate then I am. We're gonna plan something together the next week too. I'm fairly unaware about where this is going, so I'm leaving this go its own way. The only thing that's for sure is that she leaves at the end of January.

What I've been probably happiest about that this area of my life seems to have some traction, as I felt there was none during the summer until the end of September. What's also worth noting is that this one of the areas with the most shades of gray and trial and error I've been in. I can absolutely not plan for an outcome. It's as much about knowing the other person as it is about knowing myself. (Jan 22)

Things have been going pretty well with the Georgian girl. She's gonna stay here until June and I myself might go to Germany for Erasmus in April, if the situation permits. It's nice to have somebody close to me to share things and try new things with every now and then. She's intellectually bright and can challenge me on a few things, so she also gives me the mirror sometimes.

She's also good at English and had some interviews already. She negotiated even a bit higher rate than I did. She actually gave me the impulse to revisit the payment I get from language schools this early. (Jan)

February and March have been pretty good with the Georgian girl and I believe we both enjoyed it. I'm happy that we managed to get the things we wanted to get done together. We will continue to date, until the distance is just too much to bear. She's going to have a more complicated schedule in April with a lot of traveling and in mid-May she's going to move to another city, which is however reachable on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I hope to post an update on this when the time comes. (Feb/Mar)

In April, we've been apart for about two weeks and there's one more week until she moves to another city for the internship. We spent a lot of time together this week.

I've entertained the idea to have a long-distance relationship until I/we are able to be in one place or to change location at will. My plans are to do the Erasmus in Bulgaria and finish the masters at the uni in early 2024 and after that I am completely location-independent - until then, I am to an extent bound in my current city. The money is not necessarily the issue either; although it's usually more expensive to travel than to stay in one place, I expect my financial situation to be healthy. It's not unrealistic, but we'll see. (Apr/May)

We've been seeing for weekends. My girlfriend even made a surprise visit today, traveling to my hometown for the weekend. (Jun/Jul)

Made a promise to not watch "porn" to my girlfriend. Our relationship is very warm. We shared some nasty secrets about one another and I think that bound us even closer. She's leaving back to Georgia in mid-August. We plan on seeing once or twice more and deciding what's next. (Jul/Aug)

She told me she doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship when she leaves in two weeks, partly because she already has the experience of long-distance for three years and she doesn't want to go through that again. I did cry (which I haven't in at least a few months, if not years), although I do not feel heartbroken. I take it as it is. Life's good.

She's been a great friend to me and I believe she will be in the future too. I believe she made her decision after contemplating it for a long time. I know she likes me, loves me. And because she's a great friend of mine, I won't question her judgement and try to convince her of something else. She knows what she would go through if she had another long-distance relationship. She has the right to say "no" to it and act in her best interest.

The malicious part of my mind keeps telling me that I am a rejected loser, as I was unable to convince her to continue the relationship. I think the malicious part takes inspiration from concurrent culture/TV or my past experiences with women. However I decided to have the relationships I want now, not based on templates that somebody tries to feed me or on what happened before.

The good thing about the "romance" in the relationship is that it has a closure I can understand and get by. So while the pain is inevitable and it sucks we won't see each other anymore, the suffering is next to none, as I don't pity myself or second guess something, as I did with the Spanish girl.

Another great thing about the relationship is that I never needed to "act like a man" or "extort" something from her. We always said what we wanted, more or less straight up. Not playing mind-games saves a lot of energy and even if we argued sometimes (about something philosophically significant; not about who is going to wash the dishes), we just acknowledged the differences and moved on. This also meant acknowledging our negative personality traits - she is often too disorganized and bad at planning things, whereas I can be sometimes condescending and arrogant (I think I share that trait with my father). (Aug/Sep)

IMPORTANT - I thrive when I have an equal partner in a relationship. I also have experience to see obvious red flags contrary to that a mile away. In a relationship, I can be sometimes condescending or arrogant. I know what I want in a relationship. I won't sell myself short in a relationship. (Sep/Oct)

I saw a girl on Monday, we started chatting two weeks ago because we share one subject at the university and decided to meet together, because we are writing a lot. She's quite talkative, seems like the nervous type, though she seems to have some tactical tools to help her with that, like good hobby structure and calendar. We'll see. Going out with her again tomorrow. (Oct/Nov)

 I think quitting games matured quickly and brutally overall, including in my relationship to women. I can say I am attracted to the girl I have been seeing. She gives me more than enough signs that its mutual. I don't think I am wrong, but I've been surprised before 😄

I have to scout her behavior for a longer time to see how (in)secure she is. She's capable of being independent, based on the things she's done in the past, so I am not sure whether she's just trying to seem more "approachable" for me to make a move on or whether it's a bigger issue. I don't want to have a clingy girlfriend.

It's been going well with the girl. I wouldn't dare to call her my girlfriend yet, but we've spent several afternoons/evenings together, so it's pretty serious dating now. (Nov 22). I believe now she's a girlfriend. (Dec 22)

It's been going well with the girl. I wouldn't dare to call her my girlfriend yet, but we've spent several afternoons/evenings together, so it's pretty serious dating now... I believe now she's a girlfriend. (Jan 23)

We've been seeing over the weekends mostly for an afternoon/evening. It is good (Feb 18th 23)

T: We've been seeing over the weekends mostly for an afternoon/evening. It is good 🙂

Possible direction/goals:

Set up at least two dates a month (with my girlfriend).

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What to do if I am bored?

Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters

Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, uni work, blogging

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Additional thoughts/activities:

My hobbies are: personal finance, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: working on my business, going to see a ball, reading about finance, spending time with friends and my girlfriend, seeing my uncle, going to the swimming pool, going to a book festival and cinema.

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Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2023:

Pass all the exams at the uni, finish the thesis and finish all university duties successfully in January/February 2024. - WIP, progress = yes

Improve my business, so that I don't need to teach for language schools anymore, by getting more private contacts, opportunities and students. - WIP, progress = yes

Go to Georgia to visit my friend. - Unfortunately, the plan didn't work out. I plan to go there later this year, either in late summer or autumn.

Stop watching porn (again). - I am not porn-free, it comes in waves. I'll try to be more aware when the urges come and what makes me more likely to have them. This month (March) I had a good run without porn and too much news 🙂

Start getting up when my alarm rings. - I got better, not 100%, but better.

Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, studying for uni, dating, work on good life/work balance.

It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.

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Add-ons:

I enjoy writing articles, however I am not enjoying the process of how to actually set up the blog, whether I should try and make some money off of it. I think I will, but I won't go on writing e-books, providing courses and whatnot. Just a few affiliate links for the services I like. This allows me to focus on writing and not fret over something I don't even know I want to do.

I found out I quite like to give presentations, if I really believe and enjoy the topic. This goes for both my school and business presentations. Better keep that in mind.

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16th Mar - 19th Mar:

I wrote my monthly report, went to the doctor, visited my family, had classes with new students, met with friends and played board-games and billiard with them, worked on the kitchen layout for my grandma, worked on some uni projects, went for a bike trip with my girlfriend and watched "Enemy of the State".

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20th Mar - 24th Mar:

I've had a cold for the past week, I probably caught it on the bike trip with my girlfriend. I met with my friends a few times while keeping warm, although I do feel somewhat tired. I've been working on the financial blog and I'm going to make my first post soon.

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25th Mar - 1st April:

I spent time with my girlfriend and I have been reading Idiot by Dostoevsky. I went to Finland for a few days with my geography group and overall had a good time.

Today I've been catching up on errands that accumulated during my week of absence and planning for the next one. I set up a networking meeting and I'm going to a career festival the next week as well.

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  • 2 weeks later...

2nd April - 9th April:

I visited my family both weekends and we went went to the cinema to watch the newest John Wick film. I met up with the Spanish girl (she was here with her scouts' group as a leader), went to a career festival, had a business meeting in a business accelerator and worked on a field project for my university.

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 I'm using the template I used the last time. 14/03/23 - 15/04/23


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

 First off, I've been looking forward to writing this and having the time to do so. I like this habit of mine 🙂

 

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Books/Reading articles:

L: No books, just some newsletters, although I've just borrowed Idiot by Dostoevsky.

T: Currently reading Idiot by Dostoevsky, although not very regularly.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

 

Family:

L: Mom's gonna be intermittently in and out of the hospital possibly forever. Our uncle came to visit us with my cousin. I'm working on getting my grandma the new kitchen. I also "inherited" my father's old car as he got a new one. I'm happy and grateful for that and I hope it will serve me for a long time.

T: I've been spending more time with my family than planned this month. I'm one step behind on the kitchen plan, however I will make some progress on it over the weekend and ask my father about some technical details of the purchase.

Spoiler

Since October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:

Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.

Weeks 11 and 12:

Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.

Weeks 13 and 14:

Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.

Weeks 14 and 15:

Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, laying the new linoleum, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.

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And with this plan, my grandma should have a new kitchen at the end of April 🙂

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

 

University:

L: The university has been taking up around 13 hours a week in total as I predicted. I'm gonna go for a trip to Finland with a few of my classmates.

T: The trip was nice and the projects are still ongoing.

NOT: I don't want to drop out of the university.

Possible direction/goals:

Do the main part of my diploma in summer 2023 and do the defense and finals in January/February 2024.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

 

Job/English:

L: I got a few more private students/courses this month, the total should be around 3,5 hours a week more.

Language school 1 told me they can only increase my wage from September after negotiating a new contract, so we'll see if I am there long enough to see it. Language school 2 increased my wage right away last year without a problem and if they couldn't go into loss with some courses, they promised (and raised it) a few months later.

T: I went to the career festival. I didn't really get any deals done which was the primary point of my visit, however I think it was still a good idea to go, meet some friends and acquaint with others.

I started a new mentoring program yesterday, so I am pretty excited. I hope to get some good ideas for my business and make new connections.

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Classes are at a stable 25-30 hours a week, plus a few hours for admin work.

Example for 31 hours next week: Category A 53% (55); B 11% (12); C 7% (0); D 10% (11); E 19% (22). On top of that, two first meetings for new students. Brackets are values from previous month.

-

I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:

a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging

b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)

c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)

d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality

e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality

-

NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Possible direction/goals:

With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.

Keep classes at a stable 25-30 hours a week.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

Write down specific areas and what I want to do in them:

Networking events.

Work on the new mentoring project.

Variable pricing.

Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

Get a system to mark down the progress of my students, together with their learning plan.

Past projects:

Update my website to reflect the new ideas and inspiration from the web.

Get a customized redesign and SEO for the website.

Networking events. = Attended networking event on 5th April.

Work on Linked In - use the notes from seminar.

 

 

Exercise/Movement:

L: I got the bike back from the service. We've been going for walks with my girlfriend fairly often and on Sunday we are planning to go to the swimming pool.

T: About the same. Went for a bike trip with my girlfriend.

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.

Keep in shape.

 

Women/Dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December 20)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. (September/October)

To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it. (Oct/Nov 21)

I've been meeting one girl for about a month now, both in a planned way but also running into her randomly. She seems shy, a maverick/lone-wolf to a great extent, but also quite honest. I think it's gonna be interesting. Gonna meet her on Monday and do something together again. (Nov)

So I've been out a few times with the Georgian girl I met at the beginning of October. She's fun to be around, likes my analytical mind and so we sometimes grapple intellectually. She's also kind and I'd argue more compassionate then I am. We're gonna plan something together the next week too. I'm fairly unaware about where this is going, so I'm leaving this go its own way. The only thing that's for sure is that she leaves at the end of January.

What I've been probably happiest about that this area of my life seems to have some traction, as I felt there was none during the summer until the end of September. What's also worth noting is that this one of the areas with the most shades of gray and trial and error I've been in. I can absolutely not plan for an outcome. It's as much about knowing the other person as it is about knowing myself. (Jan 22)

Things have been going pretty well with the Georgian girl. She's gonna stay here until June and I myself might go to Germany for Erasmus in April, if the situation permits. It's nice to have somebody close to me to share things and try new things with every now and then. She's intellectually bright and can challenge me on a few things, so she also gives me the mirror sometimes.

She's also good at English and had some interviews already. She negotiated even a bit higher rate than I did. She actually gave me the impulse to revisit the payment I get from language schools this early. (Jan)

February and March have been pretty good with the Georgian girl and I believe we both enjoyed it. I'm happy that we managed to get the things we wanted to get done together. We will continue to date, until the distance is just too much to bear. She's going to have a more complicated schedule in April with a lot of traveling and in mid-May she's going to move to another city, which is however reachable on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I hope to post an update on this when the time comes. (Feb/Mar)

In April, we've been apart for about two weeks and there's one more week until she moves to another city for the internship. We spent a lot of time together this week.

I've entertained the idea to have a long-distance relationship until I/we are able to be in one place or to change location at will. My plans are to do the Erasmus in Bulgaria and finish the masters at the uni in early 2024 and after that I am completely location-independent - until then, I am to an extent bound in my current city. The money is not necessarily the issue either; although it's usually more expensive to travel than to stay in one place, I expect my financial situation to be healthy. It's not unrealistic, but we'll see. (Apr/May)

We've been seeing for weekends. My girlfriend even made a surprise visit today, traveling to my hometown for the weekend. (Jun/Jul)

Made a promise to not watch "porn" to my girlfriend. Our relationship is very warm. We shared some nasty secrets about one another and I think that bound us even closer. She's leaving back to Georgia in mid-August. We plan on seeing once or twice more and deciding what's next. (Jul/Aug)

She told me she doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship when she leaves in two weeks, partly because she already has the experience of long-distance for three years and she doesn't want to go through that again. I did cry (which I haven't in at least a few months, if not years), although I do not feel heartbroken. I take it as it is. Life's good.

She's been a great friend to me and I believe she will be in the future too. I believe she made her decision after contemplating it for a long time. I know she likes me, loves me. And because she's a great friend of mine, I won't question her judgement and try to convince her of something else. She knows what she would go through if she had another long-distance relationship. She has the right to say "no" to it and act in her best interest.

The malicious part of my mind keeps telling me that I am a rejected loser, as I was unable to convince her to continue the relationship. I think the malicious part takes inspiration from concurrent culture/TV or my past experiences with women. However I decided to have the relationships I want now, not based on templates that somebody tries to feed me or on what happened before.

The good thing about the "romance" in the relationship is that it has a closure I can understand and get by. So while the pain is inevitable and it sucks we won't see each other anymore, the suffering is next to none, as I don't pity myself or second guess something, as I did with the Spanish girl.

Another great thing about the relationship is that I never needed to "act like a man" or "extort" something from her. We always said what we wanted, more or less straight up. Not playing mind-games saves a lot of energy and even if we argued sometimes (about something philosophically significant; not about who is going to wash the dishes), we just acknowledged the differences and moved on. This also meant acknowledging our negative personality traits - she is often too disorganized and bad at planning things, whereas I can be sometimes condescending and arrogant (I think I share that trait with my father). (Aug/Sep)

IMPORTANT - I thrive when I have an equal partner in a relationship. I also have experience to see obvious red flags contrary to that a mile away. In a relationship, I can be sometimes condescending or arrogant. I know what I want in a relationship. I won't sell myself short in a relationship. (Sep/Oct)

I saw a girl on Monday, we started chatting two weeks ago because we share one subject at the university and decided to meet together, because we are writing a lot. She's quite talkative, seems like the nervous type, though she seems to have some tactical tools to help her with that, like good hobby structure and calendar. We'll see. Going out with her again tomorrow. (Oct/Nov)

 I think quitting games matured quickly and brutally overall, including in my relationship to women. I can say I am attracted to the girl I have been seeing. She gives me more than enough signs that its mutual. I don't think I am wrong, but I've been surprised before 😄

I have to scout her behavior for a longer time to see how (in)secure she is. She's capable of being independent, based on the things she's done in the past, so I am not sure whether she's just trying to seem more "approachable" for me to make a move on or whether it's a bigger issue. I don't want to have a clingy girlfriend.

It's been going well with the girl. I wouldn't dare to call her my girlfriend yet, but we've spent several afternoons/evenings together, so it's pretty serious dating now. (Nov 22). I believe now she's a girlfriend. (Dec 22)

It's been going well with the girl. I wouldn't dare to call her my girlfriend yet, but we've spent several afternoons/evenings together, so it's pretty serious dating now... I believe now she's a girlfriend. (Jan 23)

We've been seeing over the weekends mostly for an afternoon/evening. It is good (Feb 18th 23)

T: We've been seeing over the weekends mostly for an afternoon/evening. It is good 🙂

Possible direction/goals:

Set up at least two dates a month (with my girlfriend).

-----

What to do if I am bored?

Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters

Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, uni work, blogging

-----

Additional thoughts/activities:

My hobbies are: personal finance, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: working on my business, business mentoring, reading about finance, spending time with friends and my girlfriend, going to a career festival and cinema, kitchen planning for my grandma, watching a series about people in debt and their solutions, setting up web-hosting for my blog, going to Finland.

---

Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2023:

Pass all the exams at the uni, finish the thesis and finish all university duties successfully in January/February 2024. - WIP, progress = yes

Improve my business, so that I don't need to teach for language schools anymore, by getting more private contacts, opportunities and students. - WIP, progress = yes

Go to Georgia to visit my friend. - Unfortunately, the plan didn't work out. I plan to go there later this year, either in late summer or autumn.

Stop watching porn (again). - I am not porn-free, it comes in waves. I'll try to be more aware when the urges come and what makes me more likely to have them. This month (March) I had a good run without porn and too much news 🙂

Start getting up when my alarm rings. - I got better, not 100%, but better.

Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, studying for uni, dating, work on good life/work balance.

It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.

---

Add-ons:

I enjoy writing articles, however I am not enjoying the process of how to actually set up the blog, whether I should try and make some money off of it. I think I will, but I won't go on writing e-books, providing courses and whatnot. Just a few affiliate links for the services I like. This allows me to focus on writing and not fret over something I don't even know I want to do.

I found out I quite like to give presentations, if I really believe and enjoy the topic. This goes for both my school and business presentations. Better keep that in mind.

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  • 2 weeks later...

15th April - 22nd April:

I spent a good part of the last weekend with my girlfriend. I also wrote my monthly report, did some school preparation.

On Monday, one of my friends and I won the table football tournament that we have at the dorm. It felt very good! 😄

I met my girlfriend on a few occasions during the week. I also had meetings with two new students, both of whom decided to have English lessons once a week. I visited a guest lecture at the uni and also had business mentoring. My friend celebrated birthday on Friday, so he invited me as well. Yesterday I met my girlfriend and worked on uni projects.

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  • 2 weeks later...

23rd April - 2nd May:

I finished some schoolwork and passed the first uni exam. This weekend I picnicked with my friends, visited my family and went cycling with my girlfriend. Watched some good movies as well and met up with a guy I haven't seen in six months 🙂

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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

23rd April - 2nd May:

I finished some schoolwork and passed the first uni exam. This weekend I picnicked with my friends, visited my family and went cycling with my girlfriend. Watched some good movies as well and met up with a guy I haven't seen in six months 🙂

Good job. It sounds like you've found great life balance during this time period. 

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3rd May - 7th May:

Worked on business mentoring, had my last university class and did some minor stuff. Went for a weekend with my girlfriend to the nature and to a different town. Had a good time overall and I'm happy and grateful 🙂

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On 5/2/2023 at 11:02 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Good job. It sounds like you've found great life balance during this time period. 

There are always a few things to improve, but overall I've been feeling great. I'm quite excited about what the future holds, but I am also happy with what I already have, just glancing through my recent monthly reports. I hope you've been experiencing the same!

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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

There are always a few things to improve, but overall I've been feeling great. I'm quite excited about what the future holds, but I am also happy with what I already have, just glancing through my recent monthly reports. I hope you've been experiencing the same!

Most definitely. I think my balance had been big moments of good and big moments of bad at first, but now it's turning into average moments of each with more big moments of good at the moment. 

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8th May - 13th May:

Spent some time with friends, my girlfriend and in general just being busy with work and school. Went for a lunch with my father, to the theater and set up a new room to rent from June! It's been about time to leave the dorms after three and a half years.

---

From Mark Manson's weekly email:
 

Quote

 

There’s no such thing as, “I don’t have enough time.” You always have enough time. You don’t have the right priorities.

Living well means spending more time on things that matter. Living poorly means spending more time on things that don’t matter. Wisdom is knowing the difference.

 

I think I have been fairly good at prioritizing my own interests, while giving others my time and attention as well. I do things that matter to me and don't do things that don't matter to me. I still put it here because I think he put it eloquently.

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  I'm using the template I used the last time. 15/04/23 - 13/05/23


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

 First off, I've been looking forward to writing this and having the time to do so. I like this habit of mine 🙂

 

---

 

Books/Reading articles:

L: Currently reading Idiot by Dostoevsky, although not very regularly.

T: No, I'm just not interested in that book, will need to pick up something else. I read a few newsletters.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

 

Family:

L: I've been spending more time with my family than planned this month. I'm one step behind on the kitchen plan, however I will make some progress on it over the weekend and ask my father about some technical details of the purchase.

T: Oops. I'm still somehow puzzled how it's week 19 and I'm 6 weeks behind the plan below. Anyhow, my father advised me to not go alone, as there'll be a lot of furniture to pack and I will need his trailer. I'm gonna set it up tomorrow, so the furniture is at my grandma's place by the end of May.

Spoiler

Since October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:

Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.

Weeks 11 and 12:

Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.

Weeks 13 and 14:

Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.

Weeks 14 and 15:

Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, laying the new linoleum, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.

---

And with this plan, my grandma should have a new kitchen at the end of April 🙂

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

 

University:

L: The university has been taking up around 13 hours a week in total as I predicted. The trip was nice and the projects are still ongoing.

T: I have one more exam to go and then it's just the thesis and finals. As planned. 

NOT: I don't want to drop out of the university.

Possible direction/goals:

Do the main part of my diploma in summer/autumn 2023 and do the defense and finals in January/February 2024.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

 

Job/English:

L: I went to the career festival. I didn't really get any deals done which was the primary point of my visit, however I think it was still a good idea to go, meet some friends and acquaint with others.

I started a new mentoring program yesterday, so I am pretty excited. I hope to get some good ideas for my business and make new connections.

T: Unfortunately, my mentor had some time troubles, so I've only met him twice so far, although we are meeting on Monday. I've been on the tasks and exercises he gave me at least.

-

Classes are at a stable 25-30 hours a week, plus a few hours for admin work.

An example for 29 hours next week: Category A 59% (53); B 9% (9); C 5% (7); D 12% (10); E 16% (19). Brackets are % values from previous month.

-

I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:

a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging

b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)

c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)

d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality

e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality

-

NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Possible direction/goals:

With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.

Keep classes at a stable 25-30 hours a week.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

Write down specific areas and what I want to do in them:

Networking events.

Work on the new mentoring project.

Variable pricing.

Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

Get a system to mark down the progress of my students, together with their learning plan.

Past projects:

Update my website to reflect the new ideas and inspiration from the web.

Get a customized redesign and SEO for the website.

Networking events. = Attended the networking event on 5th April.

Work on Linked In - use the notes from seminar.

 

 

Exercise/Movement:

L: We've been going for walks with my girlfriend fairly often. Went for a bike trip with my girlfriend.

T: Went for a bike trip with my girlfriend again. Bike and walks.

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.

Keep in shape.

 

Women/Dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December 20)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. (September/October)

To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it. (Oct/Nov 21)

I've been meeting one girl for about a month now, both in a planned way but also running into her randomly. She seems shy, a maverick/lone-wolf to a great extent, but also quite honest. I think it's gonna be interesting. Gonna meet her on Monday and do something together again. (Nov)

So I've been out a few times with the Georgian girl I met at the beginning of October. She's fun to be around, likes my analytical mind and so we sometimes grapple intellectually. She's also kind and I'd argue more compassionate then I am. We're gonna plan something together the next week too. I'm fairly unaware about where this is going, so I'm leaving this go its own way. The only thing that's for sure is that she leaves at the end of January.

What I've been probably happiest about that this area of my life seems to have some traction, as I felt there was none during the summer until the end of September. What's also worth noting is that this one of the areas with the most shades of gray and trial and error I've been in. I can absolutely not plan for an outcome. It's as much about knowing the other person as it is about knowing myself. (Jan 22)

Things have been going pretty well with the Georgian girl. She's gonna stay here until June and I myself might go to Germany for Erasmus in April, if the situation permits. It's nice to have somebody close to me to share things and try new things with every now and then. She's intellectually bright and can challenge me on a few things, so she also gives me the mirror sometimes.

She's also good at English and had some interviews already. She negotiated even a bit higher rate than I did. She actually gave me the impulse to revisit the payment I get from language schools this early. (Jan)

February and March have been pretty good with the Georgian girl and I believe we both enjoyed it. I'm happy that we managed to get the things we wanted to get done together. We will continue to date, until the distance is just too much to bear. She's going to have a more complicated schedule in April with a lot of traveling and in mid-May she's going to move to another city, which is however reachable on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I hope to post an update on this when the time comes. (Feb/Mar)

In April, we've been apart for about two weeks and there's one more week until she moves to another city for the internship. We spent a lot of time together this week.

I've entertained the idea to have a long-distance relationship until I/we are able to be in one place or to change location at will. My plans are to do the Erasmus in Bulgaria and finish the masters at the uni in early 2024 and after that I am completely location-independent - until then, I am to an extent bound in my current city. The money is not necessarily the issue either; although it's usually more expensive to travel than to stay in one place, I expect my financial situation to be healthy. It's not unrealistic, but we'll see. (Apr/May)

We've been seeing for weekends. My girlfriend even made a surprise visit today, traveling to my hometown for the weekend. (Jun/Jul)

Made a promise to not watch "porn" to my girlfriend. Our relationship is very warm. We shared some nasty secrets about one another and I think that bound us even closer. She's leaving back to Georgia in mid-August. We plan on seeing once or twice more and deciding what's next. (Jul/Aug)

She told me she doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship when she leaves in two weeks, partly because she already has the experience of long-distance for three years and she doesn't want to go through that again. I did cry (which I haven't in at least a few months, if not years), although I do not feel heartbroken. I take it as it is. Life's good.

She's been a great friend to me and I believe she will be in the future too. I believe she made her decision after contemplating it for a long time. I know she likes me, loves me. And because she's a great friend of mine, I won't question her judgement and try to convince her of something else. She knows what she would go through if she had another long-distance relationship. She has the right to say "no" to it and act in her best interest.

The malicious part of my mind keeps telling me that I am a rejected loser, as I was unable to convince her to continue the relationship. I think the malicious part takes inspiration from concurrent culture/TV or my past experiences with women. However I decided to have the relationships I want now, not based on templates that somebody tries to feed me or on what happened before.

The good thing about the "romance" in the relationship is that it has a closure I can understand and get by. So while the pain is inevitable and it sucks we won't see each other anymore, the suffering is next to none, as I don't pity myself or second guess something, as I did with the Spanish girl.

Another great thing about the relationship is that I never needed to "act like a man" or "extort" something from her. We always said what we wanted, more or less straight up. Not playing mind-games saves a lot of energy and even if we argued sometimes (about something philosophically significant; not about who is going to wash the dishes), we just acknowledged the differences and moved on. This also meant acknowledging our negative personality traits - she is often too disorganized and bad at planning things, whereas I can be sometimes condescending and arrogant (I think I share that trait with my father). (Aug/Sep)

IMPORTANT - I thrive when I have an equal partner in a relationship. I also have experience to see obvious red flags contrary to that a mile away. In a relationship, I can be sometimes condescending or arrogant. I know what I want in a relationship. I won't sell myself short in a relationship. (Sep/Oct)

I saw a girl on Monday, we started chatting two weeks ago because we share one subject at the university and decided to meet together, because we are writing a lot. She's quite talkative, seems like the nervous type, though she seems to have some tactical tools to help her with that, like good hobby structure and calendar. We'll see. Going out with her again tomorrow. (Oct/Nov)

 I think quitting games matured quickly and brutally overall, including in my relationship to women. I can say I am attracted to the girl I have been seeing. She gives me more than enough signs that its mutual. I don't think I am wrong, but I've been surprised before 😄

I have to scout her behavior for a longer time to see how (in)secure she is. She's capable of being independent, based on the things she's done in the past, so I am not sure whether she's just trying to seem more "approachable" for me to make a move on or whether it's a bigger issue. I don't want to have a clingy girlfriend.

It's been going well with the girl. I wouldn't dare to call her my girlfriend yet, but we've spent several afternoons/evenings together, so it's pretty serious dating now. (Nov 22). I believe now she's a girlfriend. (Dec 22)

It's been going well with the girl. I wouldn't dare to call her my girlfriend yet, but we've spent several afternoons/evenings together, so it's pretty serious dating now... I believe now she's a girlfriend. (Jan 23)

We've been seeing over the weekends mostly for an afternoon/evening. It is good (Feb 18th 23)

T: My girlfriend moved to a location closer to me two months ago and we've been seeing more regularly. I'm happy and grateful for having such a loving girlfriend.

Possible direction/goals:

Set up at least two dates a month (with my girlfriend).

-----

What to do if I am bored?

Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters

Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, uni work, blogging

-----

Additional thoughts/activities:

My hobbies are: personal finance, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: business mentoring, reading about finance, spending time with friends and my girlfriend, going to the theatre, kitchen planning for my grandma, watching a series about people in debt and their solutions, blogging (!), winning a table football tournament, going for a weekend with my girlfriend.

---

Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2023:

Pass all the exams at the uni, finish the thesis and finish all university duties successfully in January/February 2024. - WIP, progress = yes

Improve my business, so that I don't need to teach for language schools anymore, by getting more private contacts, opportunities and students. - WIP, progress = yes

Go to Georgia to visit my friend. - Unfortunately, the plan didn't work out. I plan to go there later this year, either in late summer or autumn.

Stop watching porn (again). - I am not porn-free, it comes in waves. I'll try to be more aware when the urges come and what makes me more likely to have them. This month (March) I had a good run without porn and too much news 🙂

Start getting up when my alarm rings. - I got better, not 100%, but better.

Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, studying for uni, dating, work on good life/work balance.

It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.

---

Add-ons:

I enjoy writing articles, however I am not enjoying the process of how to actually set up the blog, whether I should try and make some money off of it. I think I will, but I won't go on writing e-books, providing courses and whatnot. Just a few affiliate links for the services I like. This allows me to focus on writing and not fret over something I don't even know I want to do.

I found out I quite like to give presentations, if I really believe and enjoy the topic. This goes for both my school and business presentations. Better keep that in mind.

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14th May - 17th May:

I visited my family on Sunday and went to a concert with my grandma, which was actually surprisingly good. Also watched hockey in the evening.

Had my last exam on Monday, spent some time with my girlfriend, researched some stuff about kitchen design for my grandma, had mentoring and a few lessons as well. I'm happy that business mentoring is back on track, as I have many new useful insights and I'm going to work on them at the weekend.

Baked a chicken on Tuesday, had more classes too, met with some friends in the evening.

Today I put in the hours as well, although I had a nap in the afternoon, as I have been feeling tired during the day. I'm wondering what to do now, I'll likely watch a movie to zone out and relax, as I haven't been feeling the best.

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12 hours ago, Faroe Islander said:

Great to hear that you are managing to keep a balanced life between work, relax, wants socializing and learning hope the rest of the week and weekend go well 

Thanks! I wish the same to you 🙂

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18th May - 25th May:

I've been watching the hockey championship for the past two weeks. You might know that there are just a few matches remaining in the play-off. I've been watching it fairly actively and it's really the only time when I care about watching sports. I realized it's just too much passive entertainment for me, really the same as with watching a film every day, binging series or something similar. Anyhow, I'm not gonna have the time to watch the final matches at the weekend 🙂

Besides the kitchen for my grandma, I got working on getting the air tickets claim from February. The rest of the things have been going as usual, so I'm happy 🙂

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26th May - 2nd June:

I actually did have time to watch the rest of the hockey championship and the results were quite surprising!

Regardless, many hours of this week were spent preparing for and moving to my new room/flat. I'm happy to say that even though there are still a few things lying about on the floor, most of the work has been already done.

I've been meeting my girlfriend and two best friends frequently, if not every day. I also spent some time with other people as well and I can say I've been enjoying it. I met my father today for lunch too.

The last thing to mention is the last round of my business mentoring. I got a lot of ideas for my English business. My plan for the weekend is to handle the invoices and finish work on my questionnaire for students.

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  • 2 weeks later...

3rd June - 10th June:

It's been a good week. I changed my address online, as it can influence my business. I went swimming with my girlfriend and created a plan of actions for my business. My girlfriend and I had a small misunderstanding during the week. We later clarified the situation and our expectations. I'm proud of us and I'm happy to have such a great girlfriend 🙂 

I also finished my questionnaire for students last weekend, sent it out to students and I've already got about half of the people to respond and get the other to respond the next week. Some of them expressed interest in a few auxiliary services related to English lessons, so I might get a few extra € right there.

Today was a bit weird. I was supposed to get furniture for my grandma with my brother, however the battery in my car died. We'll have to do it some other day. Regardless, I made a good use of my time. I visited my family on my bike and therefore had a good workout. In the evening, I wrote an email for a pay-raise to one of the language schools, yet again. It's worth a try! 😄

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11th June - 15th June:

I did some minor financial optimization, worked on a computer upgrade, went to the swimming pool with my girlfriend and met another friend on Sunday.

During the week, I had classes as usual. On top of that, I went outside, read (Enlightenment Now: The Case for Reason, Science, Humanism, and Progress by Steven Pinker - been enjoying it so far) and started solving the issue of my car battery. I used the inter-dental toothbrush for the first time after a long time yesterday, so that's also something 😄

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Hygiene is so important, especially in recovery. 

It is. Quitting heavy gaming, brushing your teeth, sometimes going out with friends or cleaning your room (as you mentioned in your diary) is a practical equivalent to taking care of yourself.

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 13/05/23 - 17/06/23


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

 First off, I've been looking forward to writing this and having the time to do so. I like this habit of mine 🙂

 

---

 

Books/Reading articles:

L: Currently reading Idiot by Dostoevsky, although not very regularly. No, I'm just not interested in that book, will need to pick up something else. I read a few newsletters.

T: I got into "Enlightenment Now: The Case for Reason, Science, Humanism, and Progress" by Steven Pinker and I've been enjoying it. I got through my newsletters and now I am dealing with them as they come, rather than to wait for a huge backlog to accumulate.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

 

Family:

L: Oops. I'm still somehow puzzled how it's week 19 and I'm 6 weeks behind the plan below. Anyhow, my father advised me to not go alone, as there'll be a lot of furniture to pack and I will need his trailer. I'm gonna set it up tomorrow, so the furniture is at my grandma's place by the end of May.

T: I visited a concert with my grandma. The furniture was supposed to be at her place already, however the last week my car battery died and I'm currently working on replacing it. Meeting my family as usual.

 

Spoiler

Since October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:

Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.

Weeks 11 and 12:

Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.

Weeks 13 and 14:

Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.

Weeks 14 and 15:

Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, laying the new linoleum, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.

---

And with this plan, my grandma should have a new kitchen at the end of April 🙂

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.

 

University:

L: I have one more exam to go and then it's just the thesis and finals. As planned. 

T: The exam was successful, so now I have to get working on the thesis and after that the finals.

NOT: I don't want to drop out of the university.

Possible direction/goals:

Do the main part of my diploma in summer/autumn 2023 and do the defense and finals in January/February 2024.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

 

Job/English:

L: Unfortunately, my mentor had some time troubles, so I've only met him twice so far, although we are meeting on Monday. I've been on the tasks and exercises he gave me at least.

T: The mentoring program is over, however it provided great insight into my business, some connections and ideas for the future.

I sent out a questionnaire to my students and the response was positive with no surprises, just a few minor clarifications, so I am happy that my feedback system works well.

As it's the end of the school year, I wrote an email to one of the language schools and they promised me an increase in pay. I'm gonna write an email to the second one if they are going to give me something as well.

-

Classes are at a stable 25-30 hours a week, plus a few hours for admin work.

Note: July and August and maybe September are going to be abnormal, as some courses don't run during summer. The drop in A is due to one of my students quitting and another cutting back on lessons.

An example for 27 hours this week: Category A 48% (59); B 9% (9); C 13% (5); D 13% (12); E 17% (16). Brackets are % values from previous month.

-

I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:

a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging

b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)

c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)

d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality

e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality

-

NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Possible direction/goals:

With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.

Keep classes at a stable 25-30 hours a week.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

Write down specific areas and what I want to do in them:

Networking events.

Variable pricing.

Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

Get a system to mark down the progress of my students, together with their learning plan.

Past projects:

Work on the new mentoring project.

Update my website to reflect the new ideas and inspiration from the web.

Get a customized redesign and SEO for the website.

Networking events. = Attended the networking event on 5th April.

 

Exercise/Movement:

L: Went for a bike trip with my girlfriend again. Bike and walks.

T: Went for a bike trip to my family the last week. Went swimming a couple of times too.

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.

Keep in shape.

 

Blogging:

L: I got my financial blog up at the end of March and I posted a few introductory articles in May. Suffice to say, I think it's ready to be published, but I need to find a suitable UI template to go with it and set up some basic emailing for subscribers. I have some backlog of written articles that just need a few finishing touches.

T: -

Possible direction/goals:

Find a suitable UI/web template.

Set up emailing for subs.

Post two articles a month.

 

Women/Dating:

L: My girlfriend moved to a location closer to me two months ago and we've been seeing more regularly.

T: I'm happy and grateful for having such a loving girlfriend.

Possible direction/goals:

Set up at least two dates a month (with my girlfriend).

 

-----

What to do if I am bored?

Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters

Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, uni work, blogging

-----

Additional thoughts/activities:

My hobbies are: personal finance, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: business mentoring, spending time with friends and my girlfriend, kitchen planning for my grandma, moving to a new flat (!), cycling, going to a concert with my grandma.

---

Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2023:

Pass all the exams at the uni, finish the thesis and finish all university duties successfully in January/February 2024. - WIP, progress = yes

Improve my business, so that I don't need to teach for language schools anymore, by getting more private contacts, opportunities and students. - WIP, progress = yes

Go to Georgia to visit my friend. - Unfortunately, the plan didn't work out. I plan to go there later this year, either in late summer or autumn.

Stop watching porn (again). - I am not porn-free, it comes in waves. I'll try to be more aware when the urges come and what makes me more likely to have them. This month (March) I had a good run without porn and too much news 🙂

Start getting up when my alarm rings. - I got better, not 100%, but better.

Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, studying for uni, dating, work on good life/work balance.

It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.

---

Add-ons:

I enjoy writing articles, however I am not enjoying the process of how to actually set up the blog, whether I should try and make some money off of it. I think I will, but I won't go on writing e-books, providing courses and whatnot. Just a few affiliate links for the services I like. This allows me to focus on writing and not fret over something I don't even know I want to do.

I found out I quite like to give presentations, if I really believe and enjoy the topic. This goes for both my school and business presentations. Better keep that in mind.

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