Ikar's Diary

[Ikar 498]

Day 224:

I spent the most of my day in an English class, ran by my friend. I had a good chat with him afterwards as well. I spent about an hour on Twitch, while I was eating. Good day overall.

[Ikar 498]

Day 225:

Feeling a bit under the weather today, as I have a sore throat. I read more "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, did a bit of paperwork and put together my schedule for the next week.

No Ejaculation: 7 days

It's kinda weird to admit that, but I have troubles getting out of bed because of this. I do have more energy throughout the day overall though and I think that's an improvement overall.

[Ikar 498]

Day 226:

I was teaching today. I was a bit anxious, but also somewhat enthusiastic. I read a bit during the day and pulled out some interesting quotes that resonated with me:

Spoiler

"You cannot be an attractive and life-changing presence to some woman (I'd probably write "anyone" here myself) without being a joke or an embarrassment to others. You simply can’t. You have to be controversial. You have to polarize. It’s the name of the game. And getting good at the game is learning to open yourself up enough emotionally, learning to express your honest self enough and be comfortable enough with your vulnerability to take those embarrassing moments with the moments of passion. A willingness to polarize is not easy. But it’s necessary."

"Once the sex begins in relationships, the learning stops. Sex creates such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the appropriateness of a new relationship."

 

[Ikar 498]

Day 227:

The few next following rows might be interesting for @BooksandTrees , @DaBest and other people on the forum who currently deal with their sexuality on their down.

Even though I never watched porn as most people understand it, I was at some point dependent on other visual stimuli when masturbating, even when I was having sex with my ex-gf. Over time and after a bit of back-and-forth, I figured it if I used my own imagination, I could let it produce something novel every time.

Yesterday, so after about 18 days when I was free of intentional ejaculation (and before or after one of the most suggestive sensual/sexual dreams I've had in a long time), I decided to just focus on what makes me feel good. I didn't watch anything or imagine anything. I was in the present moment and I simply jerked off. Finishing "No More Mr Nice Guy" yesterday made me think about shifting my perspective. Be it imaginary or real, I think I focused on pleasing the woman rather than myself and perhaps even boasted about it. I'll try to put myself first the next time in sexual matters.

As for other news, teaching went well today and I am moving tomorrow to the uni dorms.

[BooksandTrees 857]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 227:

The few next following rows might be interesting for @BooksandTrees , @DaBest and other people on the forum who currently deal with their sexuality on their down.

Even though I never watched porn as most people understand it, I was at some point dependent on other visual stimuli when masturbating, even when I was having sex with my ex-gf. Over time and after a bit of back-and-forth, I figured it if I used my own imagination, I could let it produce something novel every time.

Yesterday, so after about 18 days when I was free of intentional ejaculation (and before or after one of the most suggestive sensual/sexual dreams I've had in a long time), I decided to just focus on what makes me feel good. I didn't watch anything or imagine anything. I was in the present moment and I simply jerked off. Finishing "No More Mr Nice Guy" yesterday made me think about shifting my perspective. Be it imaginary or real, I think I focused on pleasing the woman rather than myself and perhaps even boasted about it. I'll try to put myself first the next time in sexual matters.

As for other news, teaching went well today and I am moving tomorrow to the uni dorms.

That's great. I have tried this, but it did not last long as I enjoyed the sensation so much that I'd just masturbate a ton and then just go back to porn. I think it's because I had nothing exciting in my life and nothing to deal with stress. It's tough to decipher. 

[DaBest 281]

Same here as @BooksandTrees. I've gone that route and eventually I'm back to old habits, though that's more similar to you as it's more fantasy than porn for me. Personally, I like the extra energy and extroversion I have when I'm on a streak. I also have zero interest in women when I'm masturbating, which is bad. I'm just feel empty or dead. It's weird.

[Ikar 498]

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's great. I have tried this, but it did not last long as I enjoyed the sensation so much that I'd just masturbate a ton and then just go back to porn. I think it's because I had nothing exciting in my life and nothing to deal with stress. It's tough to decipher. 

 

2 hours ago, DaBest said:

Same here as @BooksandTrees. I've gone that route and eventually I'm back to old habits, though that's more similar to you as it's more fantasy than porn for me. Personally, I like the extra energy and extroversion I have when I'm on a streak. I also have zero interest in women when I'm masturbating, which is bad. I'm just feel empty or dead. It's weird.

It's hard to trick the body to really ejaculate every day and enjoy it at the same time, at least for me. From my experience, it takes at least 5 days from ejaculation to ejaculation for me to truly enjoy it again.

I think I could compare ejaculation to consummatory reward/behavior and whatever I do to get to it as approach reward/behavior. Consummatory reward is nice, but once I get it, it's gone. It's drinking water, having a nice hot bath or getting a diploma at school. Approach reward is better in the grander scheme of things. It is becoming good at something or progressing. It's approaching a woman and the sweet moments anticipation, whether it's the last time I'm talking to her or whether it's the beginning of a beautiful relationship. It's becoming better in English and being able to describe my life with even more colorfulness than before.

I also feel more energetic and outgoing after not ejaculating as much. I think I could also add my expanded knowledge about relationship dynamics and sex in the past month to that.

Thanks for sharing yourself!

[Ikar 498]

Day 228:

I've officially moved to the uni dorms. No more excuses about not being able to attend a seminar, a party or whatever else, because it's too far away and it wouldn't pay off.

[BooksandTrees 857]

6 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 228:

I've officially moved to the uni dorms. No more excuses about not being able to attend a seminar, a party or whatever else, because it's too far away and it wouldn't pay off.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

[Ikar 498]

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

I'm 22. What made you ask that?

[BooksandTrees 857]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm 22. What made you ask that?

I was curious because you're going to university so I wasn't sure if you were older than a traditional student or not. I think it's good you're trying to fix these issues at your age.

[Ikar 498]

10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I was curious because you're going to university so I wasn't sure if you were older than a traditional student or not. I think it's good you're trying to fix these issues at your age.

I'm new to this concept, but I am likely correct to say that this is not about age. It's about getting started and never stopping until death.

In this specific example, I think I like to be in control of my environment too much, so I need to create opportunities for myself to escape my safe spaces and just let things happen.

[Ikar 498]

Day 229:

I spent about 7 hours total yesterday and today finishing my uni homework. It was a chore, but it's done.

I had an intro English class with one girl in the department store. By a chance, we managed to run into my mom! It was funny, but it didn't derail me. The girl seemed somewhat introverted and shy, I'm used to more talkative women.