Ikar's Diary

[Ikar]

Day 226:

I was teaching today. I was a bit anxious, but also somewhat enthusiastic. I read a bit during the day and pulled out some interesting quotes that resonated with me:

Spoiler

"You cannot be an attractive and life-changing presence to some woman (I'd probably write "anyone" here myself) without being a joke or an embarrassment to others. You simply can’t. You have to be controversial. You have to polarize. It’s the name of the game. And getting good at the game is learning to open yourself up enough emotionally, learning to express your honest self enough and be comfortable enough with your vulnerability to take those embarrassing moments with the moments of passion. A willingness to polarize is not easy. But it’s necessary."

"Once the sex begins in relationships, the learning stops. Sex creates such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the appropriateness of a new relationship."

 

[Ikar]

Day 227:

The few next following rows might be interesting for @BooksandTrees , @DaBest and other people on the forum who currently deal with their sexuality on their down.

Even though I never watched porn as most people understand it, I was at some point dependent on other visual stimuli when masturbating, even when I was having sex with my ex-gf. Over time and after a bit of back-and-forth, I figured it if I used my own imagination, I could let it produce something novel every time.

Yesterday, so after about 18 days when I was free of intentional ejaculation (and before or after one of the most suggestive sensual/sexual dreams I've had in a long time), I decided to just focus on what makes me feel good. I didn't watch anything or imagine anything. I was in the present moment and I simply jerked off. Finishing "No More Mr Nice Guy" yesterday made me think about shifting my perspective. Be it imaginary or real, I think I focused on pleasing the woman rather than myself and perhaps even boasted about it. I'll try to put myself first the next time in sexual matters.

As for other news, teaching went well today and I am moving tomorrow to the uni dorms.

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 227:

The few next following rows might be interesting for @BooksandTrees , @DaBest and other people on the forum who currently deal with their sexuality on their down.

Even though I never watched porn as most people understand it, I was at some point dependent on other visual stimuli when masturbating, even when I was having sex with my ex-gf. Over time and after a bit of back-and-forth, I figured it if I used my own imagination, I could let it produce something novel every time.

Yesterday, so after about 18 days when I was free of intentional ejaculation (and before or after one of the most suggestive sensual/sexual dreams I've had in a long time), I decided to just focus on what makes me feel good. I didn't watch anything or imagine anything. I was in the present moment and I simply jerked off. Finishing "No More Mr Nice Guy" yesterday made me think about shifting my perspective. Be it imaginary or real, I think I focused on pleasing the woman rather than myself and perhaps even boasted about it. I'll try to put myself first the next time in sexual matters.

As for other news, teaching went well today and I am moving tomorrow to the uni dorms.

That's great. I have tried this, but it did not last long as I enjoyed the sensation so much that I'd just masturbate a ton and then just go back to porn. I think it's because I had nothing exciting in my life and nothing to deal with stress. It's tough to decipher. 

[DaBest]

Same here as @BooksandTrees. I've gone that route and eventually I'm back to old habits, though that's more similar to you as it's more fantasy than porn for me. Personally, I like the extra energy and extroversion I have when I'm on a streak. I also have zero interest in women when I'm masturbating, which is bad. I'm just feel empty or dead. It's weird.

[Ikar]

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's great. I have tried this, but it did not last long as I enjoyed the sensation so much that I'd just masturbate a ton and then just go back to porn. I think it's because I had nothing exciting in my life and nothing to deal with stress. It's tough to decipher. 

 

2 hours ago, DaBest said:

Same here as @BooksandTrees. I've gone that route and eventually I'm back to old habits, though that's more similar to you as it's more fantasy than porn for me. Personally, I like the extra energy and extroversion I have when I'm on a streak. I also have zero interest in women when I'm masturbating, which is bad. I'm just feel empty or dead. It's weird.

It's hard to trick the body to really ejaculate every day and enjoy it at the same time, at least for me. From my experience, it takes at least 5 days from ejaculation to ejaculation for me to truly enjoy it again.

I think I could compare ejaculation to consummatory reward/behavior and whatever I do to get to it as approach reward/behavior. Consummatory reward is nice, but once I get it, it's gone. It's drinking water, having a nice hot bath or getting a diploma at school. Approach reward is better in the grander scheme of things. It is becoming good at something or progressing. It's approaching a woman and the sweet moments anticipation, whether it's the last time I'm talking to her or whether it's the beginning of a beautiful relationship. It's becoming better in English and being able to describe my life with even more colorfulness than before.

I also feel more energetic and outgoing after not ejaculating as much. I think I could also add my expanded knowledge about relationship dynamics and sex in the past month to that.

Thanks for sharing yourself!

[Ikar]

Day 228:

I've officially moved to the uni dorms. No more excuses about not being able to attend a seminar, a party or whatever else, because it's too far away and it wouldn't pay off.

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 228:

I've officially moved to the uni dorms. No more excuses about not being able to attend a seminar, a party or whatever else, because it's too far away and it wouldn't pay off.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

[Ikar]

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

I'm 22. What made you ask that?

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm 22. What made you ask that?

I was curious because you're going to university so I wasn't sure if you were older than a traditional student or not. I think it's good you're trying to fix these issues at your age.

[Ikar]

10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I was curious because you're going to university so I wasn't sure if you were older than a traditional student or not. I think it's good you're trying to fix these issues at your age.

I'm new to this concept, but I am likely correct to say that this is not about age. It's about getting started and never stopping until death.

In this specific example, I think I like to be in control of my environment too much, so I need to create opportunities for myself to escape my safe spaces and just let things happen.

[Ikar]

Day 229:

I spent about 7 hours total yesterday and today finishing my uni homework. It was a chore, but it's done.

I had an intro English class with one girl in the department store. By a chance, we managed to run into my mom! It was funny, but it didn't derail me. The girl seemed somewhat introverted and shy, I'm used to more talkative women.

[Icandothis]

On 12/4/2019 at 12:46 PM, Ikar said:

Day 228:

I've officially moved to the uni dorms. No more excuses about not being able to attend a seminar, a party or whatever else, because it's too far away and it wouldn't pay off.

This is awesome! How do you like it so far?!

[Ikar]

42 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

This is awesome! How do you like it so far?!

I caught a cold at the start of the week and I'm still under its influence. I will go out for a beer tonight and see who I can find to chat with though.

[Ikar]

Day 230:

I wanted to go out after the classes at school, but while I don't feel horrible, I have a runny nose and I have to blow it every couple of minutes, so I decided I would not go out. I read for about an hour and just stayed indoors and warm.

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 230:

I wanted to go out after the classes at school, but while I don't feel horrible, I have a runny nose and I have to blow it every couple of minutes, so I decided I would not go out. I read for about an hour and just stayed indoors and warm.

Don't forget you have the option to go out and do stuff. I say this because it's an option, not a mandatory task. You've moved to the dorms to provide yourself better opportunity to attend things, but you still have the choice. Don't beat yourself if you're not going out and doing things. I think if you make it so you're going out if you're in the mood or feeling interested in trying it you'll be fine. You have a few years so you'll definitely be going out more than a few times. No worries.

[Ikar]

Day 231:

I think I was in my bed for about 10 hours, which is a fairly long time for me, but it's hard to get up and start the day with a stuffed nose.

I have been watching Twitch here and there the past couple of days while eating. I thought of this and figured I'd probably be better off watching some "motivational kick" from Peterson, Willink or not watching anything at all in the mornings. At home, I'd just turn on the radio in the kitchen and sat there until I finished my oats, no matter how long it took, so I'll have to think of something similar here.

I did Duolingo, wrote a bit and then went to attend a guided tour, organized by a student organization. It turned out only me and the guide showed up, so we talked a bit and we went to check out the residues of the coal mining activity in the nearby area. He was knowledgeable about biology and chemistry in general, though I admitted to him that my strengths lie elsewhere, so later on we got talking about more general topics. In the end, we were surprised nobody else showed up, but it was an interesting walk around the surroundings regardless.

I also set up my FB feed in a way to show me potentially interesting seminars, debates and other things in the area.

No Ejaculation: 5 days

[Ikar]

Day 232:

Staying over at my parents' for the night, as I had to charge my battery in the car for the winter and they have the charger.

Other than that, the day was okay. I even felt bored for a bit, so it might be a sign that I might want to become a bit more organized, be more active and go past the basic maintenance. I got a bunch of events I am gonna attend the next week, so I should have a good one, especially if I manage to throw in the uni homework.

[Ikar]

Day 233:

I packed a few more things from my parents' house to use in my college flat in the morning. I went to check up my ears to the hospital to see if they were blocked. To my surprise, the doctor said that everything was alright.

The classes were a bit of a struggle today. I could say I wasn't able to maintain the focus I normally do, so I was less receptive and less creative than usual. I hope this passes (preferably overnight? ? ), because I have this damned cold for the last week and I'm looking forward to getting rid of all its symptoms.

I did a bit of shopping, wrote, caught up on Mandalorian and got my schedule done for the week. I did not read today, but I read about 60 pages of Gulag Archipelago in the past two days.

[Ikar]

Day 234:

This was mentioned by other GQers on the forum. I also really struggle getting out of bed when my alarm rings. What works is having some kind of a commitment to other people to get me out of bed immediately, but that doesn't happen daily. The other thing that worked was being a gaming addict, but I don't consider this a viable solution for this problem anymore!

I won't dwell on this too much, as I think it's a symptom of my (I think so far too stationary and shut-in) lifestyle. I stay in bed and masturbate (but not ejaculate). This week I really managed to pack with social activities, so I'll try to keep being social and see what changes over the next few weeks.

Related to that, I want to form a bigger number solid IRL friendships and find my next girlfriend. I'm also putting more effort into how I dress and I'm getting the first custom haircut of my life tomorrow. I think it was about time that my exterior reflects my interior, at least to some degree.

It's been about a week since my move and I still feel somewhat cumbersome with taking responsibility for cooking and cleaning more, but I both cooked and tidied my room a bit today, so I think I'm doing okay for starting out again. I had a blast on Iceland while taking care of myself.

As for today, I was supposed to teach in the hospital complex, but a shooting took place there just few hours before I should've had showed up, so the classes got cancelled. I took the unexpected day off and did a few productive things instead:

I unpacked the stuff I brought from my parents' yesterday, did Duolingo, read Gulag Archipelago, put an hour or two into my uni homework and took a walk in the dark around the neighborhood for an hour. It gives me the kicks to go alone somewhere I've never been to before!

Some yesterday's and today's events on the forum reminded me the importance of healthy doubt and experimentation.

No Ejaculation: 8 days

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 234:

This was mentioned by other GQers on the forum. I also really struggle getting out of bed when my alarm rings. What works is having some kind of a commitment to other people to get me out of bed immediately, but that doesn't happen daily. The other thing that worked was being a gaming addict, but I don't consider this a viable solution for this problem anymore!

I won't dwell on this too much, as I think it's a symptom of my (I think so far too stationary and shut-in) lifestyle. I stay in bed and masturbate (but not ejaculate). This week I really managed to pack with social activities, so I'll try to keep being social and see what changes over the next few weeks.

Related to that, I want to form a bigger number solid IRL friendships and find my next girlfriend. I'm also putting more effort into how I dress and I'm getting the first custom haircut of my life tomorrow. I think it was about time that my exterior reflects my interior, at least to some degree.

It's been about a week since my move and I still feel somewhat cumbersome with taking responsibility for cooking and cleaning more, but I both cooked and tidied my room a bit today, so I think I'm doing okay for starting out again. I had a blast on Iceland while taking care of myself.

As for today, I was supposed to teach in the hospital complex, but a shooting took place there just few hours before I should've had showed up, so the classes got cancelled. I took the unexpected day off and did a few productive things instead:

I unpacked the stuff I brought from my parents' yesterday, did Duolingo, read Gulag Archipelago, put an hour or two into my uni homework and took a walk in the dark around the neighborhood for an hour. It gives me the kicks to go alone somewhere I've never been to before!

Some yesterday's and today's events on the forum reminded me the importance of healthy doubt and experimentation.

No Ejaculation: 8 days

I think that was me talking about having a difficult time leaving bed unless I have priorities lol.

Sometimes our energy changes and it's tough. We just gotta build new habits slowly so eventually we get up. That might be easier when if we start the day off with some rewarding activity maybe. 

[DaBest]

This may sound really freaking dumb and dorky, but I literally practiced getting out of bed, and it's seemed to work well (especially when coupled with journaling, for me at least). When I got back into the habit, I would set an alarm which would go off in a minute, get into bed, fake sleep, hear the alarm, get up right away, turn it off, and walk to the bathroom. I would then do this seven times in a row to set that new habit loop with the new cue. Before, I used to set four alarms and would be liable to stay in bed for up to an hour. Now, I have just one alarm, and I'm up within ten minutes.

Also, it's cool to see what you wrote about your haircut. It feels true. The better I've felt about myself, my haircuts similarly improved. It's weird, but it's true. If you take a look at bodybuilding transformations too, you see a lot of that--unkempt hair and fat/skinny one photo, ripped and well groomed in the next. 

[Ikar]

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think that was me talking about having a difficult time leaving bed unless I have priorities lol.

Sometimes our energy changes and it's tough. We just gotta build new habits slowly so eventually we get up. That might be easier when if we start the day off with some rewarding activity maybe. 

The trouble with that is that I'm not sure if there's something as instantly gratifying as masturbation. For example, I love reading a book for about an hour and figuring out some links and connections it might have in my life, but the instant pull and incentive to do that is not as strong. By not ejaculating, I effectively made it so that my sexual appetite is not inhibited for days, but just a couple of hours. I do get more energy for my days overall because of that though. I think I started noticing staying in bed longer about a month ago.

Who knows, maybe I am using it as a defense mechanism to not become too horny when I am out on some event. I prefer events with some more particular agenda, where I can put forth my knowledge and experience regarding a particular topic. I like to voice my opinions, when I feel it's appropriate. If a woman starts eyeing because of that, great, but it's not my primary goal and I'll enjoy the event regardless.

I think Glover wrote there are two ways of stopping a behavior: consciously quitting it OR consciously overdoing it. I might explore doing the latter, after trying out what @DaBest wrote below.

6 hours ago, DaBest said:

This may sound really freaking dumb and dorky, but I literally practiced getting out of bed, and it's seemed to work well (especially when coupled with journaling, for me at least). When I got back into the habit, I would set an alarm which would go off in a minute, get into bed, fake sleep, hear the alarm, get up right away, turn it off, and walk to the bathroom. I would then do this seven times in a row to set that new habit loop with the new cue. Before, I used to set four alarms and would be liable to stay in bed for up to an hour. Now, I have just one alarm, and I'm up within ten minutes.

That sounds so freaking dumb and dorky it might just work on our slightly oversized animal brains and it makes me giggle just thinking about it. I'll start doing that today!

6 hours ago, DaBest said:

Also, it's cool to see what you wrote about your haircut. It feels true. The better I've felt about myself, my haircuts similarly improved. It's weird, but it's true. If you take a look at bodybuilding transformations too, you see a lot of that--unkempt hair and fat/skinny one photo, ripped and well groomed in the next. 

I think all of that - bodybuilding, grooming, better clothing - are symptoms of an improved lifestyle and also a more balanced one. I have a few ideas myself on how to continue improving mine, mainly considering some adjustments to my Internet time and setting up some plans to exercise regularly during the winter.

Thanks for your comments!

[Ikar]

Day 235:

About an hour later after the first alarm.

In the morning, I did Duolingo, cleaned the rest of my room, read and watched a bit of Peterson on relationships.

In the afternoon, I went to one of the companies I work for to do some paperwork and I dropped them a hint I expect a raise the following year, as I'm signed only till the end of December, the other company pays me more and also because I'm reluctant about adding more hours, so I might as well get paid more and I feel I have a bit of a leeway in this.

I went to get a haircut afterwards and visited my grandma. After that, I went to a seminar regarding stress management. I just did the funny exercise introduced by @DaBest !

[DaBest]

AHHHHH! That's amazing...you actually did it! Now I don't feel quite as weird , haha. 

Edited December 12, 2019 by DaBest

[Ikar]

Day 236:

About 15 minutes later after the first alarm.

I slept over at my parents again, because the logistics would work out better for today. In the morning, mom and I went to take our plum ferment to the distillery.

I returned to my dorms in the afternoon and I went to an event in the evening, organized by the students of psychology with a few guests they invited. There was a vast majority of women as well. I didn't know anyone there, so at first, I was at a bit of a loss and sheepish, as I thought I'd arrive on time to see the first presentation, but one of the guests had a delay, so I decided to join one of the groups to listen and talk to.

The evening turned out well. I had a good talk with one of the guests and the students. They were even surprised I managed to find the event on my own as an "outsider". We managed to share opinions on addiction, teaching (English), attention, I even overheard someone talking about Russian as a language... I feel like I did a good job today, as well as a bit of networking. I'm happy my horizons have broadened enough, so that relating to people is way easier than it was before.

No Ejaculation: 10 days