Ikar's Diary

[Ikar]

Day 161:

I switched to learning Spanish in Russian on Duolingo and dropped German for now, as I think it's too much to be going for three languages at the same time.

I played Scrabble, did a bit of homework, watched Peterson, went outside to exercise a bit and watched a bit of Mitchell and Webb. Other than that, it's been a lazy day.

Also, to make this a bit harder on myself:

NoFap - 1 day

Edited September 28, 2019 by Ikar

[Ikar]

Day 162:

I played Scrabble, watched Peterson for a bit, sent a few emails, read the Gulag Archipelago, exercised and updated my ads online, which I should have done way earlier after coming back from Iceland, but I feel like it was an honest mistake that I managed to forget this part of my entrepreneurship.

NF - 2 days

Edited September 29, 2019 by Ikar

[Ikar]

Day 163:

I got about half the things done I wanted to get done today. That's not bad, considering I spent about 3 hours just laying in my bed because of a headache.

NF - 3 days

Regarding this, it helps I write it before going to bed. The thoughts come and I just let them go.

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 163:

I got about half the things done I wanted to get done today. That's not bad, considering I spent about 3 hours just laying in my bed because of a headache.

NF - 3 days

Regarding this, it helps I write it before going to bed. The thoughts come and I just let them go.

Writing is interesting in the way it helps you process your mentality. Some nights I want to write and there are stretches I only write on Saturdays to update my weekly count up. Healing is important and hopefully the headache left.

[Ikar]

19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Writing is interesting in the way it helps you process your mentality. Some nights I want to write and there are stretches I only write on Saturdays to update my weekly count up. Healing is important and hopefully the headache left.

Writing is indeed interesting, that's why I like to engage in stretched-out conversations with others. I don't think I am great at asking questions and pondering about them myself, so I try to look for cues in my environment to stir up my train of thought. It's generally why I keep the entries short.

The headache is gone already. I rarely ever get it, so I know that I can give myself the "luxury" of taking it seriously and just take the rest of the day off.

[Ikar]

Day 164:

I got about 80% of the things I wanted to get done today, so that was good. I checked out something regarding my business, went through some bookmarks and read, on top of the more common activities I do every day.

I'm planning a big update summing up my half a year without games. I was on Twitch on Day 145 for a bit after I finished my stream, but I never thought of visiting it since then. I think to make the update good (and perhaps something I can be proud of), I'll need to devote some time towards it daily (as I did with the letter for my ex a few months back - that actually turned into a well-written document about my current values) for at least a week.

Writing primarily for the purposes of my own self-evaluation is quite demanding (I did not touch Self-Authoring since I got home and I did not do it on Iceland either), so I'll need to get into the habit. My agenda is already filled up with activities for the next three days, but I'll try to get after it.

NF - 4 days

So far, so good. I wonder how masturbation impacts the body chemistry.

[Ikar]

Day 165:

I taught, visited my grandma and attended a discussion/seminar about education and kids. The day was pretty great, I think I definitely got a lot to think about based on the events of today.

NF - 5 days

Edited October 2, 2019 by Ikar

[BooksandTrees]

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 165:

I taught, visited my grandma and attended a discussion/seminar about education and kids. The day was pretty great, I think I definitely got a lot to think about based on the events of today.

NF - 5 days

What are you going to think about in particular to these events today? Is it something you're going to change in your life or are you just interested in general?

[Ikar]

10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

What are you going to think about in particular to these events today? Is it something you're going to change in your life or are you just interested in general?

Teaching went alright. I think I made the point that my students are more than welcome to work on their English at home and to bring forth ideas for topics they'd like to discuss, but I also made clear the fact that failing that, I will strive to make the class the most enjoyable for myself at least. I think sharing the responsibility for the class to be effective and enjoyable lies not only on me as the teacher, but also on the students.

The discussion/seminar made me think about a few things:

It made me think about my childhood, examining the roots of my addiction and how much of a role the education system played in that. It seems to be the case that education is largely predicated on obedience rather than voluntarism and that this kind of goes against the notion of a responsible individual.

The world is fucked up and will always be and that's kind of the beauty of it, because you can always work to make it a little bit better. I thought of that and it gave me a strange sense of satisfaction after the seminar. I also thought of this article: https://markmanson.net/wrong-about-everything

[Ikar]

Day 166:

I wrote, watched some Peterson and did Duolingo today. In the evening, I went to a hockey match with my parents. I did not do much more than that today, I was just relaxing.

NF - 6 days

Edited October 4, 2019 by Ikar
NF counter

[Ikar]

Day 167:

I went to school today and had a good time. Then I had to deal with an unexpected tangent on Tinder. Once again, I got proven that total certainty that totalitarianism or nihilism provide is harmful. Everything can be interpreted in any way.

NF - 7 days

[Icandothis]

Hi my friend,

I’m so sorry you had a tough time on Tinder. I would stay away from dating apps. I heard of people having nothing but bad experiences. 

I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Take care. 

[Ikar]

7 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi my friend,

I’m so sorry you had a tough time on Tinder. I would stay away from dating apps. I heard of people having nothing but bad experiences. 

I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Take care. 

Hey!

Thanks for the support. I think I am strong enough to persevere, finding a good date is a lottery - I just have to win once and I can't win if I don't play.

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Hey!

Thanks for the support. I think I am strong enough to persevere, finding a good date is a lottery - I just have to win once and I can't win if I don't play.

I am starting to think the experience of finding a woman is more important than finding a woman and having her. Dating apps are not the answer. I think if we live life pursuing our interests, eating at our favorite restaurants, and being a positive member of our community that we'll find a woman. That woman will see us for who we truly are and grow fond of us because of our true selves, not 6 gimmicky photos and a cheap biography. 

Continue teaching, learning, and participating in our community. You'll find someone who walks at your pace and isn't using you. 

[Ikar]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I am starting to think the experience of finding a woman is more important than finding a woman and having her. Dating apps are not the answer. I think if we live life pursuing our interests, eating at our favorite restaurants, and being a positive member of our community that we'll find a woman. That woman will see us for who we truly are and grow fond of us because of our true selves, not 6 gimmicky photos and a cheap biography. 

Continue teaching, learning, and participating in our community. You'll find someone who walks at your pace and isn't using you. 

I think I see what you mean. I'm quite good at changing my environment already (maybe more than I'd like, as then I find I do not have the time and energy to do things that need to be done at home), so I'll continue to do that and see what happens. I think I am reasonably integrated and nowhere as much of a mess as I was a year ago, though I wonder how I will look at this post a year into the future!

Thanks for the encouragement, I will continue to work for the good, whatever that is.

[Ikar]

Day 168:

I've been helping around the house in the morning and attended an English course during the afternoon, so I just decided to relax and write a bit in the evening. I'll try to just get organized tomorrow and plan the next week.

NF - 0 days

I think I'll keep the NF counter around and perhaps modify it a bit. My main gripe was staying in bed after waking up.

[Ikar]

Day 169:

The last week was a bit weird. I felt happy about NF actually not being an issue at all for a few days and I did not crave it, so I masturbated willingly yesterday. I'll keep the counter around though, as I wrote before, so I don't happen to slack in bed. It gives me clarity. As a result, I feel like I can zero out on any thing in my life I'm doing and stop doing it, no matter what I think about it initially.

On the other hand, I did not have any exercise the past 4 days. Something's up with my foot and I will have it checked out hopefully tomorrow. It's not immobilizing, but I think I rather not push it. I also felt like the past 4 days just flew by without me actually doing anything, when the fact was that I was simply going out - teaching, learning, socializing and helping around the house. It's too easy for me to justify not doing anything of too much importance after such events though, even if I have stuff planned for myself.

As for today, I helped around the house, got Scrabble and Peterson in, including a lot of writing, thinking and reading. I also got the schedule done, so I would like to nail those things I had planned for myself for the next week.

NF - 1 day

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Day 169:

The last week was a bit weird. I felt happy about NF actually not being an issue at all for a few days and I did not crave it, so I masturbated willingly yesterday. I'll keep the counter around though, as I wrote before, so I don't happen to slack in bed. It gives me clarity. As a result, I feel like I can zero out on any thing in my life I'm doing and stop doing it, no matter what I think about it initially.

On the other hand, I did not have any exercise the past 4 days. Something's up with my foot and I will have it checked out hopefully tomorrow. It's not immobilizing, but I think I rather not push it. I also felt like the past 4 days just flew by without me actually doing anything, when the fact was that I was simply going out - teaching, learning, socializing and helping around the house. It's too easy for me to justify not doing anything of too much importance after such events though, even if I have stuff planned for myself.

As for today, I helped around the house, got Scrabble and Peterson in, including a lot of writing, thinking and reading. I also got the schedule done, so I would like to nail those things I had planned for myself for the next week.

NF - 1 day

I've felt the same way. I didn't crave porn or masturbation for like 12 days, but decided to masturbate because I was so stressed out. I just realized I had a lot of sexual frustration pent up. Only issue is I've watched porn every day since. I don't really crave it right now though. I think I will stop the nofap thing, but I'll try to limit the porn being involved. I recognize it as a strong resolution to sexual frustration and stress when exercise and individual success can't calm that storm.

[Ikar]

22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've felt the same way. I didn't crave porn or masturbation for like 12 days, but decided to masturbate because I was so stressed out. I just realized I had a lot of sexual frustration pent up. Only issue is I've watched porn every day since. I don't really crave it right now though. I think I will stop the nofap thing, but I'll try to limit the porn being involved. I recognize it as a strong resolution to sexual frustration and stress when exercise and individual success can't calm that storm.

I decided to do it as more of a preemptive measure, I even kinda forced myself into it, oddly enough. Quitting or watching porn very rarely; that seems like a good idea too, it's much better to rely on your own imagination, that is uniquely weird and creative ?

[Ikar]

Day 170:

In the morning, I had a short English teaching lesson. I went to see the doctor, I'll be going for an appointment again soon. I used the time I was waiting to check up on some articles related to money. I spent around 3 hours today helping around the bathroom reconstruction. I watched some videos, did Duolingo, wrote with a friend and prepared for tomorrow.

It was a pretty nice day overall, even though I did not get everything done. Tomorrow's a day as well!

[Ikar]

Day 171:

I got started on a few things I was delaying, so the day was not overall bad, however my foot seems to be getting worse and I am getting somewhat neurotic about it and I have no clue as to what might be causing it, so I'll get some help for that tomorrow.

[Ikar]

Day 172:

I spent the whole day outside. Teaching went alright, as well as going to the doctors', so hopefully I'll be fit in a few days. I just read a bit about money and did Duolingo, as optional objectives. I'll try to consolidate and get more stuff done tomorrow, as I have the whole day for myself.

[Ikar]

Day 173:

I legitimately got a lot done today, but it was not really satisfactory, I think mainly because I spent the whole day inside. My foot got a lot better, as now I'm on antibiotics.

NF - 0 days

Edited October 10, 2019 by Ikar

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 173:

I legitimately got a lot done today, but it was not really satisfactory, I think mainly because I spent the whole day inside. My foot got a lot better, as now I'm on antibiotics.

NF - 0 days

What ended up happening to your foot where you needed antibiotics?

[Ikar]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

What ended up happening to your foot where you needed antibiotics?

I got an infection there from foot mildew I did not know existed up until the infection made me unable to walk normally. I guess all I can advice is to dry the spaces between your fingers properly, so you don't end up like me!