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dahankus

Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

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Hello again.

A couple of years ago I had deep problems with myself, became a 30yo wizard and wanted to end my life. But i didn't, decided to give life a chance, and started to sort  myself out. One of my obstacles was gaming. I didn't manage to get the confidence to do it quit gaming right away, but one day, i simply packed my computer in a box, and put it away for over 90 days. It changed my life!! I got in shape and  started training myself to talk with girls and started dating from dating sites for first time in my life. One of the scariest experiences of my life, but also the most rewarding one. 

That was then, right now I am living away from my parents, in an apartment I rented with my girlfriend, for over a year. It has been the best year of my life, and after achieving all this, I thought that I could relax and play some games. Aaaaand i was wrong. The addiction is back, and the simple idea of not gaming again make one part of me scream in terror. Yeah, the addiction is back alright. 

My world got bigger when i quit gaming, and now it started shrinking again when i began playing. Its a terrible, terrible thing to fantasize about being home alone playing a game. Terrible, and sad.

Yesterday my girlfriend mentioned marriage, and I was not surprised, I was ashamed, because I want to marry her, but I have been putting it off out of my mind, and have been filling my mind with games, and what i will do tomorrow in a game. Instead of thinking about taking my girl out, plan a vacation, or think on how to develop myself for the coming years. Its amazing how effective video games are at blurring the idea of what is important in life. Clouding reality behind imagined accomplishments.

So now, here I am. With a plan, a vision, not for 90 days, but for the rest of my life. No more games, ever. I see myself realizing some of my plans I had when I was younger. I want a house of my own. I want a car which doesn't break down every couple of months. I want to visit Asia. I want to get into Aquaponics. I want to make a beautiful garden. I want to have deeper understanding of economics and markets.

I know it all begins with a choice, and continues by choosing every day, the path that will lead to those things I want. So today is Day 1 of my new detox. My goal is 100 Days of no gaming.

 

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Day 2.

Yesterday i uninstalled everything related to games, removed all my bookmarks and browser history related to games.  Everything else in my life is screaming for the attention games took, so I will keep myself busy. That is the key. 

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Got stressed at work, this triggered cravings of gaming, to close myself in a intensive game session in the afternoon. But this is not my way any more.

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Day 4.

Today my girlfriend and I will be evaluating a piece of land to buy as a basis for a future home. Its quite a stressful time for me, and its one of the reasons I quit gaming for good. A new chapter in my life is starting and I want to own it!

Also today I found out my car is broken, engine died, and will have to sell it, and get another one. Its so god damn hard on my finances. But I will manage.

No games today.

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Its evening day 4. Im very tired, sitting in front of the monitor. This was my game time usually, so instead of playing, I come here. I will put on some music, and workout for a bit. Have to keep myself busy, and if I cant do it mentally, it has to be physically.

 

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Day 6.

Today its hard. Saturday at home is the hardest one.

There is one thing in my mind that bothers me. The feeling of loss. When I think "I will never play a video game again" It triggers a very strong feeling of loss, and the need to avoid it. Also my mind has set itself up so that gaming is somehow a "backup" life. Something I will be able to go back to if I ever "need" to. This actually make me very fear full, and prevents me from "really letting go" of the games, In a way to delete my steam account forever. It makes me feel like I will be loosing my ground, my pillow, into which to fall.

Another thing is to "let go" of the hope and expectation of games I wanted to play.  Its so hard to let them "die", like if they actually matter in any way. Its such a trap for the mind.

Some of us cant quit just like that. Games really are part of our lives, they are experiences that had meaning to us, many times on a personal level. And that is why its of the outmost importance we quit for good. They are important to us, but have ZERO positive impact on anything. We have to make this sacrifice, for our sake, and the sake of the world. Only when we give this act such a powerful meaning, we will be able to truly step outside the game.

...I want to say so much more, but that will have to do for today.

No games today.

 

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I did it.

Sent requests to delete my over 10 year steam account. Also my GOG account and humble bundle.

This is my sacrifice, a confirmation of my resolve. Some day, games will only be a distant memory, and not a life.

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Congrats on the deletion of the steam account, I applying for a permeant delete on my account now as well, and think its the best option considering that this addiction likes to sneak its way back into the life, when things begin to go well. 

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Day 6.

@AssellusPrimus Thanks man. Its very hard to do this. When I quit gaming 6 days ago, I actually didn't plan on deleting everything, the mare thought made me panic. I was still "hoping" that some day I would come back to it, like if it were something good. Its so damn seductive and meaningless. It must go for good.

Today I am confirming all the response mails I got from support about deleting my accounts. Somehow its easier than it was yesterday. 

I am starting to feel the empty space, and I am hearing its demand to be filled. Must keep myself busy. I am focusing on working out, and studying the stock market. Also I am watching a lot of videos of with Jordan Peterson, about meaning and how to put myself in order to become a force for good. I wish I had heard this kind of lectures when I was 20.

No games today.

 

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When I think about the amount of emotional and psychological energy that goes into quitting and relapsing, I ask myself how much easier would it be to make a decision once and stick to it, how much pain and suffering do we free ourselves from! I never thought I'd delete my steam account either, but a lot of personal development coaches will tell you to "burn the bridges behind you", and if were committed to a life of change, we wont need it anyway! Cheers to creating the life we want! BTW, I have Jordan Peterson 12 Rules of life which I have really listening two on Audible. 

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2 hours ago, AssellusPrimus said:

When I think about the amount of emotional and psychological energy that goes into quitting and relapsing, I ask myself how much easier would it be to make a decision once and stick to it, how much pain and suffering do we free ourselves from! I never thought I'd delete my steam account either, but a lot of personal development coaches will tell you to "burn the bridges behind you", and if were committed to a life of change, we wont need it anyway! Cheers to creating the life we want! BTW, I have Jordan Peterson 12 Rules of life which I have really listening two on Audible. 

12 Rules for life is an excellent read!

I have to say, the deletion of a Steam account is no easy task. I commend you on this @dahankus

If it's any help, striving to get past the 21 hump was always something I focused on when non-gaming. Get's a little easier as the days move on. 

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Day 7.

Today I feel strange, like if the reality of my decision has just hit me. Like if the gaming life was just sealed behind me, and there is no turning back. I feel somehow "thin". I know its just a feeling, and it will pass. 

I am really grateful for having this opportunity to embark into this next chapter. @Octsober Thanks man. The hardest thing isn't removing the games I had, but resigning from the games I was waiting for. I think that this will be a bigger challenge. Maybe when They actually come out I will be more isolated from the gaming world to not care so much, but right now,... right now It would be horrible.

The thing is I still want to play them, I have to recognize this. I really do want to play them.  But I want to be free of them even more. 

When I imagine a good future I can only see myself sitting in front of my computer gaming away in the middle of the nigh. That has been my dream future, If you know what I mean. To live a life that allows me to enjoy my games in peace. But fuck!!! The games are simply not enough to give me real satisfaction, its like they are fun and all, but they are not enough to justify all the real effort I put in life in order to enjoy them in peace. Am I saying this right?

And whenever I want to move forward in life, its the damn games that keep me glued to my monitor, clicking my mouse for the sole purpose of fun, and pleasure. Instead of working towards whatever it is I want at that time. 

No games today.

Edited by dahankus
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Hey man, it's always nice to hear from the older people on these forums. You guys are living evidence that it really is never too late to start something! 

Of course you'll feel empty after quitting gaming. You've relied on it for so many years for happiness and meaning in your life, even built your life around a future where you could afford to play games in peace. But I think that you've made the right choice and that you'll realize soon just how rewarding your new life can be. Keep it up!!

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11 hours ago, dahankus said:

Today I feel strange, like if the reality of my decision has just hit me. Like if the gaming life was just sealed behind me, and there is no turning back. I feel somehow "thin". I know its just a feeling, and it will pass. 

Wow - this is an incredible visual. I think I can slightly recall a similar feeling when I stopped last year for 110 days. 

11 hours ago, dahankus said:

I am really grateful for having this opportunity to embark into this next chapter. @Octsober Thanks man. The hardest thing isn't removing the games I had, but resigning from the games I was waiting for. I think that this will be a bigger challenge. Maybe when They actually come out I will be more isolated from the gaming world to not care so much, but right now,... right now It would be horrible.

I totally understand this feeling. I had recently bought a few games on my switch with excitement, but this is actually poetic. The expectations of (some) games (certainly while addicted) often doesn't match the reality of the actual product (imo). Games can be flashy and exciting. It's no surprise that we get caught up in this high. 

I must say, you're making me want to sell my switch. 

Keep on the path and you will reap many rewards.   

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Day 8.

Some of my old pals came by yesterday, negativity and nihilism. Those bastards. Making me want to resign this great endeavor because, according to them, I will fail anyway, sooner or later. Fuck them, they will be gone soon enough, and I will be on my way to a great future, one I am yet unable to imagine.

I am grateful for my love of nature, and for the opportunities I some times have to work the land with my hands.

No games today.

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Hey man.

About your friends, I can relate! I've had friends who've criticized me and my decisions to improve myself in the same way in the past when I tried to give up gaming, porn, and the internet before. I think their criticism came from a place of wanting to drag me back to their level, so they wouldn't have to reflect on their own bad habits. People can be really shit like that sometimes.

Remember that Cam says in his videos that you don't have to explain yourself to anyone! I think that's important to remember when 'friends' like that test you. I've learned to cut people like that out of my life, or at least to minimize my exposure to them. After all, if your friend doesn't want the best for you, what kind of friend are they?

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Day 9

I have cravings, Its hard to see a life in which I would feel better and more excited than a life with games as the main source of fun and meaning. I wont give in, its just hard to concentrate today.

@ElectroNugget @BigOlBeartic I was referring to the feelings of "negativity and nihilism" and not real people, but I see how you could have thought that. Still your points are valid.

No games today.

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Day 10

I get angry and frustrated when people tell me I fucked up, or that i did something stupid, like If i didn't know it, but I did it on my own fucking terms. It doesn't concern them, its my thing, and I have every right to fuck it up, and I take responsibility for it. But for some reason people like to point this things out, and say that if I would have just listened to them it wouldn't have happened. I didn't listen, because its MY own god damn thing, I want to be the one making mistakes, and I want to be the one learning and doing things right by myself. Somehow people don't understand this. There is no merit in succeeding at something after doing what others told you to do. Its like, its their win, and you were just the puppet. That is how I feel.

This frustration triggers my gaming cravings, I just want to silence my mind, and for it to blow away.

No games today.

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Day 10..night

I feel terrible. I just want to feel better, Im looking for ways to feel better. Just watched a movie, it helped, but it ended, and Im still here feeling like shit. I cant see a good future that I would want that does not involve video games. Im just looking for things that I would want, and I cant find any.

Today I didn't even wanted to get out of work. There was nothing to get back to, nothing I wanted to do. At least in work I have a target, a purpose.

I know this is the reason I quit games, because I felt like this even with games. The games numbed me at least for a while. Right now I have nothing, and because I deleted everything I have no where to go back to. Its a good thing, im going to bed after writing this, I couldn't bare more hours of this existential pain. 

The weird thing is, I haven't told my girlfriend I feel like this. I think she noticed something is off. I just feel I deserve this, like is my pain to bear, and she has no right to step into this space of mine. I should talk about this with her. Maybe not, i don't want to poison her with this. I can take it, like I always have. Drown it deep, deep, deep down. I don't know.

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14 minutes ago, dahankus said:

Day 10..night

I feel terrible. I just want to feel better, Im looking for ways to feel better. Just watched a movie, it helped, but it ended, and Im still here feeling like shit. I cant see a good future that I would want that does not involve video games. Im just looking for things that I would want, and I cant find any.

Today I didn't even wanted to get out of work. There was nothing to get back to, nothing I wanted to do. At least in work I have a target, a purpose.

I know this is the reason I quit games, because I felt like this even with games. The games numbed me at least for a while. Right now I have nothing, and because I deleted everything I have no where to go back to. Its a good thing, im going to bed after writing this, I couldn't bare more hours of this existential pain. 

The weird thing is, I haven't told my girlfriend I feel like this. I think she noticed something is off. I just feel I deserve this, like is my pain to bear, and she has no right to step into this space of mine. I should talk about this with her. Maybe not, i don't want to poison her with this. I can take it, like I always have. Drown it deep, deep, deep down. I don't know.

Trust me when I say that she probably notices your pain, My girlfriend noticed my personality change and she's been trying to change me for the better, making sure I write in my journal and doing things with me.

But from experience. Bottling things up doesn't work...it only leads to a bad explosion. Let it out and talk to the one you love...if she truly loves you. She'll listen.

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Day 11.

Last night was bad, but today I feel a little better. We will se what the day brings. Its amazing ho well the deletion of all gaming accounts works, It actually make the idea of gaming complicated enough as to be harder to come up with the idea of actually doing it.

No games today.

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