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dahankus

Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

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Day 47. Saturday.

Habits completed counter: 26

I am thankful for the opportunity help others.

Nothing much happening today.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 48. Sunday.

Habits completed counter: 26

I am having difficulties to keep habits on the weekends. Life is too unpredictable when there is no routine.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 49. Monday.

Habits completed counter: 27

I was very distracted during the weekend. Didn't do much of anything, and sort of drifted. I don't feel bad, just tired. Had some cravings on the weekend, but they went away quickly. I want to work more during this week, and hopefully make some improvements on my project.

I am not a gamer.

 

 

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Day 50. Tuesday.

Habits completed counter: 28

After my great high of last week, I fell to feelings of tiredness and despair. Maybe I am affected by external factors more than I would like to be. I remember getting very angry, maybe a repressed some of that anger which then turned into this down feelings. I used to do that when I was younger. In therapy I learned about this, and I was told to say what makes me angry when it makes me angry. To guard my boundaries and don't let others step into them. This has never been clear to me, how to not let others stepping on my boundaries. I try my best, but I know I am not very effective.

I also got a promotion, sort of, I get more responsibility and additional work as team leader, organizing work, splitting task and delegating then to others. I have done this before on smaller projects and bigger teams. Here the work is overwhelming and the team is ... 3 people. I will do whatever I can to make this work, and organize this mess. This along with me moving with my gf back to my parents to be able to pay for the loan we took to buy a piece of land to build our future home. Its a stressful time for me alright.

Some times life gives us this huge weight suddenly, to take up the hill. But we know, that every step under this load makes us stronger, and takes us closer to the top. This is my life, and I am not a gamer.

 

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Day 51. Wednesday.

 Habits completed counter: 29

Have to put my project on the site for some weeks, because I have a lot of new materials to learn for work. I am glad because now I have real reason and motivation to learn this things, and apply them which will give me additional experience on my CV for the future.

I have had some cravings for gaming, but they were just echoes of my mood swings. Some nostalgia here and there. I acknowledge and let go.

I have been going to the gym 3 times a week for 40 / 60  min. But still I am gaining the "belly" xD. It has to be genes and age. I don't eat that much sweets and I don't drink beer. Its freaking me out a bit lol.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 52. Thursday.

Habits completed counter: 30

Its astounding how fast this 50 days have past. A variety of things has happened, and many changes to my way of thinking and behaving. I miss games, I miss the feeling of simplicity, and control. The way I knew what I was supposed to do and the way to do it was right in front of me. Right now, my life is growing in complexity and I find myself longing for simpler times. This is life, the greatest challenge we all get to face, I can keep running from it, or face it with arms wide open.

I know how it makes me feel when I run from it, sadness and despair. Clinging to the easiest source of dopamine possible. Destroying the mind, and desecrating the body. This I know. And I am not choosing that path again. 

I am open. I am willing. I am ready. To give all that I can be to this world. Today and tomorrow, I am not a gamer.

 

Edited by dahankus
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Day 53. Friday.

Habits completed counter: 31

Day by day, i see improvements. Before quitting gaming most of the time I felt sad,depressed,down, some times i got this surges of positive emotion. Now its the other way around. Most of the time I feel positive and motivated, and only some times I feel down. And it has been only 53 days. I cant wait to see how I will feel at 100 or 1000!!!

I am not a gamer.

 

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Day 54. Saturday.

Habits completed counter: 32

Today I have cravings, not for games specifically but for recreation. I want to have a good time, I want to play something, have fun. This is very odd, as the only way I can think of that would scratch that itch is video games. I feel that after all the effort I went through I deserve a prize. I feel playing for a while will not be so bad. And I am right there.

But, why would I play a video game? Why that specific mode of entertainment? Why would my brain release dopamine on the thought of me playing anything? 

Lately the thoughts of a future with videogames has been coming back to me stronger than ever. As see my personal future brighter I see my gaming possibilities expand. Bigger screen! Better surround audio. VR stuff!! Amazing game room!! I would have so much fun.... wouldn't I? Would that make me happier? Will that room fill me with that happiness?? No. It wouldn't.

It would be amazing, but that's about it. No real essence. No meaning. Like a personal "pub" filled with drinks for an alcoholic. Or a personal stash of 5 kilo of a drug for an addict. It is just there to scratch the itch. To make the wounds deeper, and the itch stronger. I don't want that future, that is why I will never play video games.

I am not a gamer. 

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Day 55.

Habits completed counter: 33

Reading my yesterdays post fear appears in my heart. What if I will never find something as pleasant and enjoyable as video games? I have been around this world for 33 years, I have 33 years more to go in order to retire. During my time, the world changed drastically in many areas, and it will not stop changing. I also changed, and will keep on changing, improving. That is why I don't want video games in my life. They block change. Any activity that prevents you from changing is dangerous as it goes against the natural order of things.

Maybe one day, games will not do that and then It will be fine. Maybe one day, our civilization will move in a direction of virtual worlds where everything is possible and its meaningful. But right now its not.

 

I am not a gamer.

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Day 56.

Habits completed counter: 34

I have been having difficulties sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind starts computing work related stuff, or analyzing my relationship to family members, you know, stuff that is really intense and I cant sleep.

I have been struggling with structure in my life, a framework with which improve myself. And yesterday I came up with the idea of making a blog of things I am interested in. I would take one topic that I want to understand better and I will spend some time focusing on that, aiming to post a clear bog about it. I think this method presents a clear way of improving myself on the long run. This way I can atomize my goal of learning, into mid term goals of posting a blog, which then get atomized to short term goal like "read a source material" or "write down what you learned" or "make a draft" small stuff like that would take max 30 min in one day. But if I keep doing that I will eventually have posts that are meaningful to me and will teach me something and maybe someone else out there will also benefit. 

I have been improving on maintaining my good habits, it actually does get much easier to do this stuff after some time. So I will incorporate this blogging thing into my daily routine and see how it goes.

I am not a gamer.

Edited by dahankus
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On 5/21/2019 at 6:53 AM, dahankus said:

Some times life gives us this huge weight suddenly, to take up the hill. But we know, that every step under this load makes us stronger, and takes us closer to the top. 

This is so powerful.

 

You've really grown so much since the last time I checked in, it's really inspiring.

I've been dealing with thoughts of gaming recently, and it has had a big impact on my structure, health and happiness. I need to try and learn how to focus on what needs to be done, and realise that in the long run gaming won't make me truly happy. Having something tangible to create and build, that I did all by myself, that'll make me happy. I just need to keep going.

Also, I think your idea for a blog is brilliant! I'd definitely be interested in reading something like that. Take that idea and run with it, haha!

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Day 57.

Habits completed counter: 37

I am very excited to say that under tremendous amount of work to be done every day I have found the "flow". Similar to that feeling in games where you just exist in that reality. Well I am starting to feel that more and more. Its like my brain is tuning into this reality! I am busy most of the time, and the thing is I am busy by choice! I want to do the things I do. I want to improve in doing them. I had this amazing feeling of purpose yesterday when I was helping my parents stack wood for the winter. I remember doing this many years ago, where i just wanted it to be over. Yesterday for no reason I engaged into that job like never before. Like if the fate of the world depended on it. Because it if you think about it, it does.

Every action we engage in, affects Us!! The way we do it, is important because it is the way we build our reality and we build our persona! What kind of person will make the best impact on this world? The one that just throws the wood around with an attitude of "I don't want to be here", or the one that arranges the wood in a way that screams admiration? I know this may be a stupid example, but its the one closest to me right now. 

The more time I engage in something fully, the easier it is to enter the flow mind state. I wish I could articulate better what I want to write 🙂

I am not a gamer.

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Day 58.

Habits completed counter: 38

Today I am going on a trip with gf, will be back on Sunday. Stuff is moving forward in my life, though a bit slower than I would like. Still it has become quite fun to face the challenges.

I feel quite proud when I look at my calendar and I see more an more "X" on more and more days. At first it was just a few X a week, then one more, and one more and last week was the first on I have full 7 days with my intentional habit of learning something new. It is becoming my routine, after coming back from work and eating, I take my tea an spend at least 30 min on PC doing something productive. Now I actually look forward to it, even when at first it was difficult to turn off youtube and concentrate.

I have a project for this trip, I will be visiting the Louvre museum and there is a exposition there of forgotten realms of the past, from which I want to extract images of archetypes into which I can project my own inner archetypes, objectifying them and making it easier for the mind to incorporate them back into one. This is part of an exercise I am doing on self development. I might blog about it if it turns out alright.

I am not a gamer.

 

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Day 62.

Habits completed counter: 38

I am back. So damn tired, couldn't get more than a couple of hours of sleep a night. I feel like the world will fall down on me if I allow for a moment of weakness. I will go to bed al 20:00 today, must replenish energies. 

I will report tomorrow as always.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 63.

Habits completed counter: 38

I am experiencing very powerful "negative" feelings, related to not being good enough, being able to do better and not doing so. I asked a question, directed to myself, and I guess this is my answer. I have to do better, I have to be better. Even when I feel I have improved a lot, it is still not enough, not nearly enough to embody my potential. 

This feelings some times make me feel down, and some times the same emotion make me very motivated. This might have to do with the bad habit of postponing meaningful activities in order to play games or watch a movie. You know the feeling of "I don't feel like doing this right now", when you know deep inside, that is the best possible thing you could be doing. Well those feelings are hitting me right now like a sledge hammer. 

And I already know a few specific things I could do to calm this emotions down a bit. It requires spending some money and time. It requires caring more about what is happening. Both things have been very difficult for me. I have been the "save every penny" kind of gut so this is a though trial for me. The harder the better. The more difficult, the better the lesson. 

I am not a gamer.

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Day 64.

Habits completed counter: 39

I feel as if my life was a mess, but it isn't, and I cant figure out why I feel this fatigue all the time. I just came back from a mini vacation and I feel more tired than before. I have one job, keep on going, that is it. My life is much better now, than it was a few months ago. My direction is more clear. Now the only thing left is the grind of proper action.

I am not a gamer.

 

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Day 65.

Habits completed counter: 40

Nothing like starting the day fucking up at work. Oh well... shit happens. 

Today I feel very stressed, a lot of work is on my head, and loads of responsibility which I must handle the best way I can. Cravings appear strongest in this circumstances, an escape to "freedom". Yeah right.

I am not a gamer.

 

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Day 66.

Habits completed counter: 40

Yesterday turned out to be quite a good day, despite the difficult start. Today is a great sunny morning, lets make this day amazing.

I saw some news related to a game I wanted to play before I quit, and it sparked not cravings but curiosity. Still I didn't read it through, just had a glance, and I realized I don't understand what was going on as I was no longer in topic. This made me realize the power of the detox. Remove the presence of the gaming world from the mind in order to make room for something new.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 67.

Habits completed counter: 41

Another great day behind, with an even better one ahead. I am now listening to"12 Rules for life" from Jordan Peterson, and let me tell you, it's one mean book. Its a hard book. The author makes remarks that are totally against my mode of thinking and being, but in a way that I understand his reasons. I might not agree with him on all that he is saying, but I understand it, and I am very glad, because I am learning a lot in this way. Among other things there is one sentiment that is hovering over me the most "The wrong, chaotic path of bad habits and addiction is the easiest path we can take". 

I want to share a thought here that has been hunting me for some time and I haven't been able to put it into words in a way that is satisfactory to me. But here it is. I feel a desperation related to all this effort I am putting into every action, a disappointment of not being noticed, not being told that I am doing a good job. Somehow, this makes me feel small and meaningless, and all my sacrifice null.

I understand from where this sentiment comes from, but it still is hard on me, not to have someone approve and prize me for my effort. I know you guys appreciate all of it, and hope for the best for me, as I wish for all the best for all of you. Still, this .... I wish my dad told me he was proud, and my mom that I turned out better that she hoped for, but they never do. Fuck, Im crying now, and work day is starting... 

I am not a gamer.

... maybe I should tell them that I need to hear this from them...

 

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6 minutes ago, dahankus said:

I feel a desperation related to all this effort I am putting into every action, a disappointment of not being noticed, not being told that I am doing a good job. Somehow, this makes me feel small and meaningless, and all my sacrifice null.

You're doing a good job. 12 rules for life speaks about important life truths, but I suggest you read the book about self esteem in my signature. Then read it another couple of times slowly, going only to the chapter you feel you need more work at at each time of your life. 

Long story short, your disappointment is a usual thing, but it's an emotion that comes because you view the world through a broken prism. That's how I was too, but now I know that wishing someone approved me and having that as a criterion for feeling good is a surreal illusion. All you and I need is to be approved by our honest inner self. Nobody can ever truly fill that void, take it from someone who's got a solid support system and people who approved of me. It's all about our own selves, that's what it takes to feel good. 

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12 Rules are great, #3 hit me quite hard yesterday. I think I want to read it again actually.

I guess the baseline for feeling good is less obvious the further up you go the ladder. I think everyone here can agree on the fact that reducing game-time from 10 hours to 0 in a day (and sometimes forever) is a huge step. In the least, you make yourself uncomfortable enough to find another vice to spent 10 hours on. That said, I think if you actually fill in those 10 hours with 5 hours of something more useful, it's a big step.

Others don't have to actively praise you for every little thing you did (compared to quitting gaming, if you let them know that), but they will notice the shift in your being. A year ago, I was that hunched thin guy who rather talked than acted. Now, I'm actually noticing I stand up straight when I'm walking, I'm working out (thanks to my own volition) and I act more, simply because the big gaming bubble bursted. To say the least, I think I am less miserable and flawed than I was before and I'm sure that's the case for you as well!

That said, it's fine to feel bad at times. I wonder if gratitude practice might counteract those times?

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Day 68.

Habits completed counter: 42

Today I started hard, all the good habits in the morning, then the weekly house cleaning. Feels grat to be the kind of person that I am working hard to be. Lately work has eclipsed many of my own smaller projects, but that is ok, the new stuff that I am learning will provide me with better opportunities for the future. I am thankful for that. 

As for games, I have noticed that games have started to come to mind more often now. And the cravings are present, not strong at all, but I feel them. The fact that I have no games to play helps tons!! No steam no gog, nothing to go back to.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 69.

Habits completed counter: 43

Oh, man, life without games is amazing. So productive and meaningful to my future life. I have plans and I ma actually realizing them, without anxiety or too much procrastination. Its exciting and engaging. Much more than games were, but still some times I feel the itch...

I am not a gamer.

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2 hours ago, dahankus said:

Oh, man, life without games is amazing. So productive and meaningful to my future life. I have plans and I ma actually realizing them, without anxiety or too much procrastination. Its exciting and engaging.

What a great thing to read when I first get onto my computer, this is amazing! I think it's the ideal place where most people want to be when they set out on this journey, and you're there in 70 days.

Keep it up!

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Day 70.

Habits completed counter: 44

A new week filled with stuff to do! Can't wait to get started. This month is going to be insane for me, and it will end gloriously on my 90 days! Oh man, so much win!! XD

Yesterday relaxed with some ambient game music, and I had a trip back in time to all the moments I spent on the trail in Skyrim, or exploring the wilderness in the withcher, or hanging out in a tavern on one of those old isometric rpg.. all those memories came with a wave of emotions and nostalgia. I felt very old, like if those memories were from past lives, so many of them. All those lives made me who I am today, they are precious to me, and I will always remember them fondly. 

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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