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Gaming the System 006 - James' First 30 Days As a Digital Nomad in Thailand!

dahankus

Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

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Day 28. Monday.

Habits completed counter: 10

I am thankful for an open mind, and the ability to admit my own fails.

I had a very strange dream tonight. I was looking at myself in the mirror, then I looked away, and when i turned back, my reflection was not me anymore, and it was not on center, like if it was reflecting someone standing beside me, but my own reflection was gone, and this face was moving like I was moving. It was the face of a young woman with short hair. She had beautiful eyes and was covered with pimples, like a teenager. I am not even sure if it was a woman, I got that feeling of attraction, that's why I assume she was. Lol, feeling attracted to my reflection xD It was genuinely creepy. 

I have been having more serious cravings, those cravings that come with a plan. It seems I am missing something important from my life, I wish I find it soon.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 30. Wednesday.

Habits completed counter: 12

I am thankful for my education and my skills.

I have been putting more and more work into my project. Its not moving as fast as I would like, but I like working on something the proper way, and not like I do at work, doing everything in a hurry and fixing bugs later leaving behind a mess. Doing something the right way takes more time and effort, and its hard.

I also have been questioning parts of my behavior socially, my manners and the way I speak. Its extremely hard to change those part of myself, they are mostly involuntary. 

I am not a gamer.

 

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I really like this idea, to always underline your decision with the phrase: "I am not a gamer". Does it effect your mindset or what's the deal with it?

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6 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

I really like this idea, to always underline your decision with the phrase: "I am not a gamer". Does it effect your mindset or what's the deal with it?

I used to write "No games today", as defining a fact about a given day. I changed it to I am not a gamer, because I want to define my identity as a non gamer, because I don't want to come back to games ever. I see the daily affirmation of this part of my identity as a simple reminder. Remember who I want to be and what I want to do, instead of indulging into daily whims of my subconscious.  

I am currently fighting cravings related to free time after I already did everything I set to do for today, because I don't consider myself a gamer anymore, I will not play, as it is not in align with who I am. This is why a solid identity is very helpful on the long run. For now its a sweet struggle. 😄

Cheers.

Edited by dahankus
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Day 31. Thursday.

Habits completed counter: 14

I am grateful for my faults.

Not much is happening lately, just the old daily grind. We are going for a wedding on the weekend, near the mountains, and we will spend 2 nights there. Damn long wedding lol. 

I am not a gamer.

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Day 32. Friday.

Habits completed counter: 15

I am grateful for the opportunities to better myself.

I have noticed that my cravings have become desperate. Trying to get me to play even the mobile games, web browser games, or any games. Also I got a notice on youtube that someone I used to follow uploaded a lets play of a game that just came out that I wanted to try before quitting, I did what I do with everything related to gaming now, close it.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 35. Monday.

Habits completed counter: 17

I am grateful for small adventures.

My cravings are getting more dissolved, less focused on specific games, but more on playing anything. A desperate cry to be entertained. Also I am noticing more an more of my focus is concentrating on daily life. Its easier to remember things, and my actions become more deliberate, no longer zombie moves to do before gaming.

Also I feel my mind freeing space and moving gaming memories deeper, like if my hard drive was defragmenting. 

I am not a gamer.

 

 

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A very curious question come to me today, and I don't understand why is this even a question but I am certain there is a very important concept in between the lines.

Why does my mind focuses and anticipates instant pleasure rather than focus and anticipate meaningful action?

The thing is today I had an hour free at home, and I knew this since yesterday, and my mind instantly put the pieces together that that will be a really nice time to have a porn sessions. And it came with excitement. This stupid action of watching images make my brain go into this "can't wait" mode, in which all else gets tuned down, and every other thought is about that expectation.

The truth is consciously I know this is shit, and I wont give in, but this stupid way the brain prioritize future action is really fucked. Maybe I am missing something here, probably.

But how do I tone down this drive towards incompetence and instant senseless gratification?

Are these questions relevant? Am I tackling the problem from a wrong angle? What am I missing here?

Why don't I feel the same drive and focus on things that really matter to me?

Why doesn't my reality narrows towards me making progress in the direction my heart is?

Why do I stay enslaved in this mind hole even If I have the will and abilities to get out?

 

 

 

Edited by dahankus

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Day 36. Tuesday.

Habits completed counter: 17

I am grateful for life.

I am losing my connection with gaming, more every day. Total isolation from that world is the best option to overcome gaming habit. I would say that isolation from any environment that triggers addictive behavior, is the way to get rid of that behavior. 

My everyday life is gaining meaning, and I am getting more and more satisfaction from it, as if my mind is learning to live again. 

I am not a gamer.

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Day 37. Wednesday.

Habits completed counter: 18

I am grateful for sleepless nights.

Games are fading away. I will be selling my gaming graphics card on Monday and replacing it with my older graphics card. This will make it even harder to come back to games even if some day I get broken. I would rather buy a non gaming pc, but I don't have money to spare.

I am not a gamer.

 

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22 minutes ago, JPAO said:

What is the habits completed counter?

Its a progress bar, the more progress you make the bigger the counter. Its here because this is a place I see every morning. I add one if I did an action that I want to become a habit the day before. I also mark an X on my calendar at home. 

The more reminders I have of what I am supposed to be doing the better for me. I tend to forget things a lot. Also, this reminds me of all the effort I have been putting into myself, and it motivates me to keep going and see how far can I go.

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Day 38. Thursday.

Habits completed counter: 19

I am thankful for my ability to be amazed.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I had an idea the night before, and yesterday I implemented that idea into code, and it worked!! It got me all excited by the possibilities of this new concept, I was making exciting noises and smiling like a crazy person :D, good times

As with all things that seem too good to be true, this was no exception, it needs a lot more work before I can get any real use out of this, still it was very nice to feel that rush of accomplishment.

I am not a gamer.

 

Edited by dahankus

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Day 39. Friday.

Habits completed counter: 20

Yesterday I had a thought "What if I play browser game?" An my body went crazy with dopamine!! holy shit, my cravings went through the roof. Very scary stuff.

I had a laugh about it, and went on with my day, realizing that this gaming craving will be with me for a very long time. And I had to get used to that idea, and move on, because the fact that I crave something does not mean I have to get it, I have learned not to be enslaved by my impulses. Small steps forward, always forward. 

I am not a gamer.

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Day 40. Saturday.

Habits completed counter: 20

Nothing much happening. I think i caught a cold from my gf, starting to feel it. The weekend will be social.

I really like writing this on the mornings, while drinking coffee. It makes for a perfect start of the day, remembering what it is I should be doing, and what I should avoid.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 41. Sunday.

Habits completed counter: 21

I am thankful for today.

I am starting to feel pride because it has been over 40 days. This is a dangerous feeling for me as it might lead to "celebration cravings". Or the all time favorite excuse ""I made it this far, I can do it again no problem". 

I have to be aware of all the changes in my state of mind. That is why a Journal is priceless. it keeps your conscious mind in the loop of whatever is happening below in the deep dark ocean of the unconscious. 

I am not a gamer.

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Day 42. Monday.

Habits completed counter: 22

I am thankful for surprises.

Yesterday afternoon was a bit extreme in the stress department, and it triggered my cravings in a way where I craved the absence of stress and responsibility and not just games. Its is this bliss of lack of responsibility that makes gaming attractive to me. Gaming represented my childhood world, a world where I could do whatever I wanted and no one could intervene. 

I took my first bigger loan. Which means i am in debt, and this is one of my greatest fears in life, because when my father went under, he created a dept that almost destroyed our family, and so I developed a caution when it came to borrowing money. But this time, I am taking responsibility in my own hands, and it will be awesome. 

I am committed to owning this stage in my life.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 43. Tuesday.

Habits completed counter: 23

I am thankful for change.

I feel on edge at this crossroads in my life. Somehow stressed, but also excited that the view is changing, excited for the new challenges. Also a bit sad for leaving behind the happiest period in my life so far. This is allowing me to build a better one, so I will make that sacrifice gladly. The key is to keep on improving, and never stop, remembering to love as strong as possible, because time is short.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 44. Wednesday.

Habits completed counter: 23

I am thankful for hardship.

It is hard for me to be the man I want to be. I constantly see myself doing things differently, but when the moment to act comes, I do what I always did. I coward out. Why is it so hard for me to stand up straight and make myself known? Why does someones attention weights so heavy upon me?

I want to improve myself, and I work on it every day, but still, I am afraid to confront a reality where it is not enough, and might never be enough. How can I measure  this progress? 

I also know that facing our most dreaded fear will bring the most meaningful positive change to our lives, but also might destroy us. Am I a coward? I know a day is coming when all my fears will come true, and the fear that I might not be ready is the worst.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 45. Thursday.

Habits completed counter: 24

I am thankful for a new day.

I am seeing improvement in my every day thoughts. I think mostly on how to improve my current situation, what action should be next in order to improve overall. But I see myself looking for structure, a framework in which to operate with meaning and not just improve for the sake of improving, because I have no idea what I am doing. I try my best to be who I am and improve toward who I want to be, and that's it. 

I WANT clear direction, so that I can stop wondering if this is the right way, or should I choose another.........wait a second.. It just came to me that i want to move the responsibility of choice away from me. Hmmm. This is also my point. I don't know what I am doing, but I am doing the best I can. Maybe some day I will understand this stuff. Until then...

I am not a gamer.

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Day 46. Friday.

Habits completed counter: 25

I am thankful for the improvements in my life since I quit being a gamer.

It is very satisfying and incredibly empowering to notice changes in my thought patters to the positive. Every day I feel more positive, and every day negative thoughts are less invasive and its easier to justify positive action than to justify laziness and procrastination. I love it, I cant wait to get even better at this.

A few days ago I decided to quit masturbation and porn. At least for now, as I want to see if this new will power can help me quit those bad habits as well as later boost me even farther. Lately my sexual libido has been really low for some reason, I want it, but don't crave it. Strange stuff.

I am not a gamer.

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