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Catherine17

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On 6/11/2019 at 6:51 AM, Ambassador said:

I like your drawings very much.

@Ambassador thank you, that is very nice of you to say that! I can say the same about your poems and I hope to see more of them in future, they are really beautifully written!

On 6/11/2019 at 6:51 AM, Ambassador said:

Sorry to hear that, but your friends are wrong.

Unfortunately, not everyone believes that art can make an artist happy. According to some of my friends, it is not real art unless you sweat blood, practise for million years and suffer all the time. Very unhealthy stereotype, to my mind.

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Day 10

10 days without games and 6 days without letsplays. 

Today I refused to play the game I have already installed, so I that was a victory for me. No, really, I was ready to give up but somehow I didn't. I hope that this time I will be able to last more than 2 weeks.

Yesterday I volunteered as an interpreter and spent 10 hours watching how magic was being done and how scenery was being installed. And I met a fantastic peron! It is so strange to imagine somebody like me talking to the art-director, who has her own theatre company! She definitely put a spell on us all, she showed so much compassion and was very friendly. When I introduced myself to her, I was very nervous, because there were other interpreters and they spoke much better English and Finnish than I did and I felt so useless. She saw that apparently and every time she needed help, she called me, not them, so I was very busy. And she took me to see the rehearsal too!  When I told her I will probably study in Finland in the next semester she strongly recommended to visit Helsinki and asked whether I knew someone from there. Of course I said, no,  and she wrote her e-mail and said 'Now you know someone from Helsinki'

Oh my. Not like I am going to send her an e-mail or anything, but, wow.

When I was a volunteer at business forum, people there were total jerks who looked at us like at some talking furniture. The contrast is obvious.

Two important tasks:

  1. The Swedish exam is getting closer and closer
     
  2. I need to come up with the idea for a short story contest. (brainstorming here) The topic is 'The Northern Heritage'. I've been thinking about this for ages...I see only pieces of the puzzle but not the whole picture. And the whole picture is sad. It will be a story about siblings, one of them has to leave and another is staying. Why does one have to leave? Why is another one staying? At the last moment they should create something, something that cannot be forgotten or erased. A picture? An altar? How is mythology involved? Their parents must have told them stories so there will be a logical explanation and something unreasonable. But why? Are they promised to be given to someone or are they leaving willingly? Is our heritage - slow extinction? What do they create? Why do my stories involve death????

Truly true to my commitment.

 

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8 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

I can say the same about your poems and I hope to see more of them in future, they are really beautifully written!

Makes me really happy to hear that! I mostly write in Portuguese, my native language. Though fluent in English, I think poetry requires some form of intimacy with the language you write on that I don't always feel with English. But whenever I write something in it I'll post here.

8 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

it is not real art unless you sweat blood, practise for million years and suffer all the time. Very unhealthy stereotype

There's a Poem by a guy named Fernando Pessoa called "Autopsicografia" (Selfpsychography)

The poet is a man who feigns
And feigns so thoroughly, at last
He manages to feign as pain
The pain he really feels,

And those who read what once he wrote
Feel clearly, in the pain they read,
Neither of the pains he felt,
Only a pain they cannot sense.

And thus, around its jolting track
There runs, to keep our reason busy,
The circling clockwork train of ours
That men agree to call a heart.

 

I would say this captures art in its essence. It's never about anything else other than what the artist wants it to be, though the public will always interpret art the way they want to. Controlling such interpretation has a specific name: marketing, the art of convincing people to spend their money. Everything else will rarely, if ever, aim to control such interpretation. Art, thus, requires little but the intention to communicate or provoke, even if the result of such is out of the artist's control. If you sweat blood or not, if you have done it millions of times or not, if you suffer or not, it doesn't matter. We eat because we are hungry, we drink because we are thirst, we create because we are hungry and thirsty for creation, accomplishment, communication and provocation.

Keep creating. It's your creation, not anyone else's.

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So, it's been a while...I hope all of you, fellow gamequitters, are doing great.

Now I am 62 days away from gaming which is my longest streak. I stopped playing on the 25th of July. I don't even remember what triggered it. I stayed up late playing video games until something happened and I stopped. In August I went to Siberia, had the worst and the best experience in my life, read ton of books and wrote diary daily. Everything changed a lot when I moved to Finland. I will study here during fall semester and then get back to my old life, graduate from university and, well, try to find out what I want to do in this life.

Here I have to take care about everything on my own and I am enjoying it, though, it is time-consuming. Sometimes I have a lot of plans for the day but fail to complete all my tasks on time. I still haven't sent anything to my home university. In the evening I just sit in my room and watch letsplays (and I don't know how to stop it). I have to pull myself together and start doing things. I need to dedicate more time to my hobbies which are writing, reading and drawing. I also didn't have opportunity to do some sports because I am still trying to get a plastic student card, but I hope I'll get one soon and stop being dependent on the stupid student app. But I bought an old bicycle, because you cannot really live in Finland without a bicycle.

A couple of weeks ago I was translating a German movie for the festival. It took me three days of non-stop working to finish it. I have enjoyed the process greatly, although it was mentally draining. And this is when I thought that I often dream about becoming a translator or a writer but never practice it regularly. It seems that I didn't notice that behind every good book are hours of hard work. But as childish as it may sound, I don't want to dedicate hours of hard work.Well, I want to, but for some reason I am not doing anything productive that could get me closer to my dream. It won't get me closer, if I am not moving.

Still have problems with people and social aspect. Being an exchange student means that you meet a lot of people from all over the world. But meeting someone doesn't mean that they are going to be your friends. I talk to people, I am being nice but I still feel very lonely. It takes time for me to make friends and everyone already have found people to hang out with, so I am  alone most of the time. Even now. I wanted to join a local board game club and they have games that are beginners friendly but I just couldn't. I left without approaching anyone and I don't know why I've felt scared all of a sudden. Some part of me is afraid of meeting gamers who are ok with playing games. Another one is afraid of looking stupid because I know nothing about board games. Besides all of that, I don't speak Finnish well, and I doubt that they will run the game in English just because one person doesn't speak Finnish. I don't whether I'll try next week or not, but probably not. I wish I could be some geek girl fantasy instead of being actually socially uncomfortable geek girl.

Two days ago I went to Tampere to see my friend who studies there. It was an amazing experience (and first time travelling alone). And I finally realized - I am in Finland, I live here, I study here and I am finally the person whom I've been jealous of for many many years. And I don't want to lose it and become an addict again. I want this autumn to be special.

I want to enjoy every moment, create, dream and fall in love with my life.

But it takes time to learn how to do it.

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9 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

So, it's been a while...I hope all of you, fellow gamequitters, are doing great.

Now I am 62 days away from gaming which is my longest streak. I stopped playing on the 25th of July. I don't even remember what triggered it. I stayed up late playing video games until something happened and I stopped. In August I went to Siberia, had the worst and the best experience in my life, read ton of books and wrote diary daily. Everything changed a lot when I moved to Finland. I will study here during fall semester and then get back to my old life, graduate from university and, well, try to find out what I want to do in this life.

Here I have to take care about everything on my own and I am enjoying it, though, it is time-consuming. Sometimes I have a lot of plans for the day but fail to complete all my tasks on time. I still haven't sent anything to my home university. In the evening I just sit in my room and watch letsplays (and I don't know how to stop it). I have to pull myself together and start doing things. I need to dedicate more time to my hobbies which are writing, reading and drawing. I also didn't have opportunity to do some sports because I am still trying to get a plastic student card, but I hope I'll get one soon and stop being dependent on the stupid student app. But I bought an old bicycle, because you cannot really live in Finland without a bicycle.

A couple of weeks ago I was translating a German movie for the festival. It took me three days of non-stop working to finish it. I have enjoyed the process greatly, although it was mentally draining. And this is when I thought that I often dream about becoming a translator or a writer but never practice it regularly. It seems that I didn't notice that behind every good book are hours of hard work. But as childish as it may sound, I don't want to dedicate hours of hard work.Well, I want to, but for some reason I am not doing anything productive that could get me closer to my dream. It won't get me closer, if I am not moving.

Still have problems with people and social aspect. Being an exchange student means that you meet a lot of people from all over the world. But meeting someone doesn't mean that they are going to be your friends. I talk to people, I am being nice but I still feel very lonely. It takes time for me to make friends and everyone already have found people to hang out with, so I am  alone most of the time. Even now. I wanted to join a local board game club and they have games that are beginners friendly but I just couldn't. I left without approaching anyone and I don't know why I've felt scared all of a sudden. Some part of me is afraid of meeting gamers who are ok with playing games. Another one is afraid of looking stupid because I know nothing about board games. Besides all of that, I don't speak Finnish well, and I doubt that they will run the game in English just because one person doesn't speak Finnish. I don't whether I'll try next week or not, but probably not. I wish I could be some geek girl fantasy instead of being actually socially uncomfortable geek girl.

Two days ago I went to Tampere to see my friend who studies there. It was an amazing experience (and first time travelling alone). And I finally realized - I am in Finland, I live here, I study here and I am finally the person whom I've been jealous of for many many years. And I don't want to lose it and become an addict again. I want this autumn to be special.

I want to enjoy every moment, create, dream and fall in love with my life.

But it takes time to learn how to do it.

Welcome back and take your time with everything. I think you're on the right journey of introspection now. Don't worry about the board games thing or meeting gamers. Your experience over time and dealing with your discomfort will build confidence and comfort over time. Just embrace this, take notes, learn slowly, and keep going. Start to enjoy the process of taking care of yourself and being responsible. It will add joy to your life and take up your time away from gaming.

You'll grow tired of let's plays. You're already complaining about them. You'll grow to dislike them and the people associated and stop at some point.

As for me, I'm almost 49 weeks free from gaming. I'm getting there! And I'm gonna keep going. I've decided to commit to quitting porn. It's just not good for me.

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77 days without video games, 10 days without watching letsplays

A lot of things have happened during past 2 weeks.

What helped me to stop watching letsplays was actually a huge crush on a finnish guy. Perhaps, my brain was having constant overdoses with dopamine so I didn't need any stimulation from youtube. But, as it often happens, I have a small problem. Yesterday (now it's 5am in Finland) he rejected me (and, probably my stupid feelings) in a very neglectful way, so now I have to figure out what to do next. I am not going to be clingy/desperate/annoying, because that would be bad for both of us. After all, no means no, abandon all hope and stop trying. What my actual problem is that I kinda start to think that there is some problem with me and I will never find a partner and so on and so on. Staying up all night and crying haven't been really helpful, so I need to find a way to move on.

Back to positive stuff, one of the exchange students started roleplaying club and I joined. Without fear this time. We have had one session already and it was cool, just to hang out with like-minded people and to feel that I am normal person. It was fun and I am looking forward for the today's session.

I also went on a trip to the Baltic countries and that was my first time abroad on my own. Tallinn is a magnificent city and Vilnius has such magical atmosphere! I wish I had time to process everything, but I needed to get back to study really quickly. This week and the next one are going to be busy. VERY busy, because one of my teacher from home university actually reminded me to send her homework. Yesterday I wasn't really ashamed about it, but now when I have to abandon my dreams about relationship, I start to scold myself for being so dismissive.

Too many feelings. And I cannot just mute them.

 

 

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22 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

77 days without video games, 10 days without watching letsplays

A lot of things have happened during past 2 weeks.

What helped me to stop watching letsplays was actually a huge crush on a finnish guy. Perhaps, my brain was having constant overdoses with dopamine so I didn't need any stimulation from youtube. But, as it often happens, I have a small problem. Yesterday (now it's 5am in Finland) he rejected me (and, probably my stupid feelings) in a very neglectful way, so now I have to figure out what to do next. I am not going to be clingy/desperate/annoying, because that would be bad for both of us. After all, no means no, abandon all hope and stop trying. What my actual problem is that I kinda start to think that there is some problem with me and I will never find a partner and so on and so on. Staying up all night and crying haven't been really helpful, so I need to find a way to move on.

Back to positive stuff, one of the exchange students started roleplaying club and I joined. Without fear this time. We have had one session already and it was cool, just to hang out with like-minded people and to feel that I am normal person. It was fun and I am looking forward for the today's session.

I also went on a trip to the Baltic countries and that was my first time abroad on my own. Tallinn is a magnificent city and Vilnius has such magical atmosphere! I wish I had time to process everything, but I needed to get back to study really quickly. This week and the next one are going to be busy. VERY busy, because one of my teacher from home university actually reminded me to send her homework. Yesterday I wasn't really ashamed about it, but now when I have to abandon my dreams about relationship, I start to scold myself for being so dismissive.

Too many feelings. And I cannot just mute them.

 

 

Don't lose hope and don't hold a grudge against the ones who say no. You gotta own this and own yourself. You have a lot to prove. You're making your way in life and establishing the next chapter of your life. Don't cry over this. Keep focusing on yourself and learn to love yourself more. You got this. You're doing great, on track to graduate with a strong degree and are providing yourself with a path to walk on past college.

I still haven't found anyone, but it makes me know that when I finally find a woman who DESERVES ME that I'll cherish every fucking second I have with her because she's that special. It's worth it in the end.

Also, listen to Falling Apart by Papa Roach.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I’m so sorry about the guy. Being rejected is awful, and the pain you are feeling is very understandable. 

After many many many heartbreaks, my best advice is to feel your pain. All the pain. Don’t push it down, let it come out. Cry, be sad. 

Sending hugs and love from the US!!!!! Hope you have a better day my friend.  🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

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On 10/9/2019 at 10:28 PM, Catherine17 said:

77 days without video games, 10 days without watching letsplays

A lot of things have happened during past 2 weeks.

What helped me to stop watching letsplays was actually a huge crush on a finnish guy. Perhaps, my brain was having constant overdoses with dopamine so I didn't need any stimulation from youtube. But, as it often happens, I have a small problem. Yesterday (now it's 5am in Finland) he rejected me (and, probably my stupid feelings) in a very neglectful way, so now I have to figure out what to do next. I am not going to be clingy/desperate/annoying, because that would be bad for both of us. After all, no means no, abandon all hope and stop trying. What my actual problem is that I kinda start to think that there is some problem with me and I will never find a partner and so on and so on. Staying up all night and crying haven't been really helpful, so I need to find a way to move on.

Back to positive stuff, one of the exchange students started roleplaying club and I joined. Without fear this time. We have had one session already and it was cool, just to hang out with like-minded people and to feel that I am normal person. It was fun and I am looking forward for the today's session.

I also went on a trip to the Baltic countries and that was my first time abroad on my own. Tallinn is a magnificent city and Vilnius has such magical atmosphere! I wish I had time to process everything, but I needed to get back to study really quickly. This week and the next one are going to be busy. VERY busy, because one of my teacher from home university actually reminded me to send her homework. Yesterday I wasn't really ashamed about it, but now when I have to abandon my dreams about relationship, I start to scold myself for being so dismissive.

Too many feelings. And I cannot just mute them.

 

 

Hi Catherine (that's a really beautiful name btw!). 

77 days without video games is incredible, you are doing so well! Tell yourself ''congratulations'', it's important that you tell yourself when you are doing great things like that. It really helps with the movitation and all that stuff, you know? 

As for your rejection, well, first of, I'm sorry to read that you got rejected. It is never pleasant and it hurt but you will get over it, I can promise you! Time heals all wounds and I can tell firsthand as I had a girlfriend for 2 years, I used to call her my ''soulmate'' and it took time but I got over our split and am doing better than ever now. Time fixes everything! There is no problem with you (as long as you are not a psychopath 😜 lol) and rejection happens to all of us, even the best. I'd bet a thousand bucks you will find someone, someday and I'd really bet it. That guy was just not the right person, move on and try to sleep more! Sleep is essential for recovery and sure, crying helps but sleep is even more important. 

I wish I could find roleplaying clubs in my town, some days it feels like I'm living in an alternate universe and I cannot find the people to join me in my new hobbies but it must be what living in isolation for years, does! You are a normal person, probably better in many aspects than you believe and I say that because most people like us, living with addictions, are terribly hard on ourselves. It is great that you have found a club and meet people, getting social will help with the recovery. 

 

Good luck with your studies! In my case, I tried 9 times finishing university but no can do, I am too stubborn and I hate school. LOLL Probably I will do better once I am done with the Detox, I will see in a couple months. You don't have to abandon your dreams about relationship, take time to recover from the various injuries in your life, finish the detox, fix what needs to be fixed in your life and you will see, relationships will become a reality. I think one mistake we often make is that we try to provoke things a little too much. They say when it's forced, it will never work (or it will be dysfunctional). So it is better to live your passions, live your life to the fullest and someone someday will notice you and think ''Oh wow, this girl is nice, I'd like to know her better'' and this leads to relationships.

It happens, there are days like that but you must not mute them, listen to them, acknowledge them and then act on them. Do things that will improve your life, in any way, really. I have not read the 5 pages of this thread but you seem to really lack self-confidence and borderline not like yourself. It is never a good thing. You believe you have a problem and that you're not normal, it's simply not true. You are a wonderful person (who draws really well) and you just gotta work on yourself to realise how great you are.

Don't lose hope, keep working and if you need help or just want to talk, feel free to message me, I got your back! 🙂 I will support you as we will should all support each other and together, we will beat this thing!    

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