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Everything posted by FenderUser

  1. I am back for yet another attempt at Respawn and quitting video games but this time will be the good one. Third time's the charm, right? 😛 I'm 31, have been playing video games for 26 years and they have been responsible for a lot of problems I have had in my life. -Failing grade 9 -Failing college/dropping out of school -No relationship in 19 years -Living as a recluse -Gaining 75 pounds -The list goes on... and I am to blame to, I enabled it, I allowed video games drag me down that path and I take the blame but I'm gonna quit this time and have the life I always dreamed of, the life I believe I deserve. It's a pleasure to be back amongst you all, cheers and have a great night! FenderUser
  2. Hello again. My pleasure! I hear you. Mindless Internet browsing, playing video games, pornography, I know all those things are bad influences on my life, they hurt me and I keep doing them, while knowing full well how bad they hurt me. I guess if addictions were easy to kick, they would not be addictions in the first place, right? Yeah, video games are too long. Lately, I have been watching love movies and after an hour and a half, they're done and I'm giggling like crazy. lol World of Warcraft I played over 900 hours and it made me feel bad about myself many a time. Wow, you really did good Artemis and I'm proud of you. It must not have been easy but you did well and the more I write, the more I realise I love listening and helping others. My aunt said I would make a terrific therapist, I will definetly think about it. Thank you, I fell off the wagon AGAIN in december, had a little depression but am back on track and I was serious when I said I will keep fighting till I drop dead. I will either succeed or I'll die trying but there will be no regret! Yes, the anonymity has it's benefits, we can talk about lots of things we might be too shy to talk about in real life with relatives. I know when I talk about my personal life with others irl, I feel so embarassed and awkward, like I feel something is wrong with me and I don't want others to know/judge me. It makes me sad a bit but I will hang and I am grateful for others here and YOU, of course. Thanks for being here! 🙂
  3. Hey Artemis! Thanks for replying to my post. Yes, it makes me feel so alive. Whenever I play video games, I feel so empty inside and just longing for doing something that is meaninful, of significance. When I play bass, I feel furfilled, at peace with myself. Sorry, my what?? LOLL ''Proprioception'', jesus, English is not my primary language, I'll have to Google that. :P Oh wow, I did know it existed but did not know it was called like that. Hey, I guess we learn new things every day! Yeah, all you mentionned sounds great, I have to get back in touch with my own body and other people's bodies. These 18 years spent in the prison of my isolation made me so out of touch with people and the mere act of accidentaly touching someone's hand make me feel uncomfortable and giggle, it is really weird. lol I feel like a teenager sometimes and considering I pretty much stopped interacting physically with others at this age, it would be logical I have to restart where I left off. If I speak in true honesty, I believe I am lacking love and physical touch like you would not believe. Not necessarly in a sexual way (I would be afraid I think, due to past traumatisms) but hugs and touches in general. Holding hands, cuddling, etc. Those are some great ideas you bring up! I got insurance at my job and massage therapy, whenever I'd go, it would cost me like $10 for 30 minutes, that is really cheap. I will start from there and climb the stairs little by little. Thank you very much and good luck to you as well in your journey! :)
  4. Thank you very much! Best of luck to you as well on your journey.
  5. Thanks! Perhaps but it's also to blame because I'm the one who relapsed and don't feel too responsible for my relapse because you all couldn't really have known it unless you stalked me with a camera 24/7. LOL But thanks again for caring and the support, I truly appreciate it. It means a lot! ? That's right! You got it.
  6. Wow, first off, congratulations for your incredible work and your unbelievable progress it is truly inspiring to read all of this! Number two, I was wondering if I could borrow your template for these posts? It looks so ordered and well done. My journal is kind of messy and it would help me tremendously to have a template such as this, so to get a clearer picture of where I'm at, my progress, what needs to be done. Thanks in advance and have a good day! ?
  7. Day 1.2 : Hi! I have fallen back to my old habits of gaming this last month but I'm back and hopefully, this time will be the last and the good one. ? Today, I have returned to the gym for the first time in weeks, did cardio for the longest in over a year and went shopping. I bought hair ties for my job, a new shampoo and some nuts to put in my cereals. I have also restarted my nutritionist's diet for 2 days and I already feel much better. When you eat healthy food, you just know it. You can feel the health inside of you, it's undescriptible! I'm about to delete my games again and this time, I will also delete my Steam account. I'm contemplating selling my gaming PC altogether, I want to stop gaming, right? And all the other things I can do with my Chromebook that can't game so theorically, that sounds like a perfect idea! No more ways to game since I won't buy another gaming PC or gaming console, I get a few hundreads that go towards repaying my student debt, I can focus on bass playing for a while and the other hobbies that I just started, amongst them : drawing! That's all for today, talk to you tomorrow.
  8. Hello Jason, that is very interesting! It is true that sort of lifestyle must not have been giving you a ton of true happiness and a sense of furfillment, of accomplishment… I'm truly happy to hear that your depression is gone, that is a great thing! Thank you, I fell off the wagon AGAIN but no matter what happens, I will always get up and return on the right track. Perhaps this time will be the last and the good one, it is my greatest dream atm!!. ?
  9. Hey liam, it could have been better. lol I relapsed and played WoW like a lunatic for 2 weeks. ? But I am back on the right track and will update this journal tomorrow morning, I must leave for work. Good night to you!
  10. Hello Choijiah, Yes, we are many, living the same sort of things. It makes us feel less alone. Good, I am glad to hear that! Yeah, I know what you're saying. I work the night shift at my job so during my free days, I am very drawn to gaming as there is much less to do during the night (at least, socially! and I hate going to bars). I would go back to working during the day but I can't do that yet, I have 11k of student debt to repay and night shift is really worth it money-wise. Well, don't lose hope, I hear you and I wish you tremendous success in this challenge! My pleasure, thanks for replying on this thread.
  11. Yes, it is a daily battle but in the end, I will prevail! ? No matter the relapses, like a boxer with knockdowns during fights, what matters the most is that I get up by the count of 10, right? I relapsed and played WoW like a maniac for the past 2 weeks but woke up in time and am back, stronger than ever. I'm really looking forward to see the results this time, I was really doing well the second try.
  12. Day 4 ( I work the night shift so when I wake up, it will be 9 PM and the day will be almost done) Today I had a wonderful day. I did find I have more skin rashes but it does not bother me as much, anymore. It means the bad is coming out which is great! I am regaining control over myself and am having less panic attacks/feeling anxious. Here is what I did during the course of a few hours: - I did module 7 of Respawn, only module 8 remains now. I am so motivated, I will see to it's end and much beyond! What do I expect after Respawn? I have no freaking idea! Haha. A better life, I guess. And this is all so exciting! I would do module 8 in a heartbeat but I must go to sleep, I work tonight. - I went to Costco and bought all sort of delicious, healthy foods for me. I have a nutritionist and an amazing diet so even if the local Costco is a 2 hours bus ride, it is worth the price as better food quality = better life quality. It really made a difference, eating biological food when it is not too costly and overall, Costco's food quality is unmatched where I live. - I read a lot, 2 comics I used to read during high school but never finished. It is called ''Lanfeust de Troy'', it was extremely popular in France during the 1990s. https://www.bedetheque.com/serie-6-BD-Lanfeust-de-Troy.html I read volume 3 and 4, out of 8. - I played a ton of bass and tried my new amp. I must remember to buy headphones as sound is really loud, it's a powerful amp so I have to think of the neighbours… lol I felt really sore from restarting gym after so long but it is good, it means I hit my muscles right, I hit them hard and I will see results! I will bulk up, maybe gain a little muscle, maybe gain some abs, I'll see. That's it for day 4, have a good afternoon and good night!
  13. Hi Catherine (that's a really beautiful name btw!). 77 days without video games is incredible, you are doing so well! Tell yourself ''congratulations'', it's important that you tell yourself when you are doing great things like that. It really helps with the movitation and all that stuff, you know? As for your rejection, well, first of, I'm sorry to read that you got rejected. It is never pleasant and it hurt but you will get over it, I can promise you! Time heals all wounds and I can tell firsthand as I had a girlfriend for 2 years, I used to call her my ''soulmate'' and it took time but I got over our split and am doing better than ever now. Time fixes everything! There is no problem with you (as long as you are not a psychopath ? lol) and rejection happens to all of us, even the best. I'd bet a thousand bucks you will find someone, someday and I'd really bet it. That guy was just not the right person, move on and try to sleep more! Sleep is essential for recovery and sure, crying helps but sleep is even more important. I wish I could find roleplaying clubs in my town, some days it feels like I'm living in an alternate universe and I cannot find the people to join me in my new hobbies but it must be what living in isolation for years, does! You are a normal person, probably better in many aspects than you believe and I say that because most people like us, living with addictions, are terribly hard on ourselves. It is great that you have found a club and meet people, getting social will help with the recovery. Good luck with your studies! In my case, I tried 9 times finishing university but no can do, I am too stubborn and I hate school. LOLL Probably I will do better once I am done with the Detox, I will see in a couple months. You don't have to abandon your dreams about relationship, take time to recover from the various injuries in your life, finish the detox, fix what needs to be fixed in your life and you will see, relationships will become a reality. I think one mistake we often make is that we try to provoke things a little too much. They say when it's forced, it will never work (or it will be dysfunctional). So it is better to live your passions, live your life to the fullest and someone someday will notice you and think ''Oh wow, this girl is nice, I'd like to know her better'' and this leads to relationships. It happens, there are days like that but you must not mute them, listen to them, acknowledge them and then act on them. Do things that will improve your life, in any way, really. I have not read the 5 pages of this thread but you seem to really lack self-confidence and borderline not like yourself. It is never a good thing. You believe you have a problem and that you're not normal, it's simply not true. You are a wonderful person (who draws really well) and you just gotta work on yourself to realise how great you are. Don't lose hope, keep working and if you need help or just want to talk, feel free to message me, I got your back! ? I will support you as we will should all support each other and together, we will beat this thing!
  14. Yes, it still happens to me as I tend to always want to do more and more and I burn out, I want it too much but I'm sleeping when I feel burned out and then return working. No more WoW, that's the big difference with before! Yes, likewise, it seems it will be a challenge in itself so that's what I'm gonna do as well. Indeed. lol, DOTA. I am so glad I never played this game as I heard it is so addictive, thank God I never played it! That's because it has become an addiction, we got addicted to a drug that is called dopamine and video games are like the people that sell the drug. I read that video games addiction can be as hard to quit as quitting hard drugs addiction so that's why it is so difficult. But we must not give up, if we stick to the 90 days detox, we shall prevail. I truly believe it. ? Thanks! You do the same.
  15. I restarted playing bass, restarted reading, drawing, I made a list of all the things I liked to do and went with those that gave me the strongest feelings. I can say it made a difference and I don't regret quitting gaming, I am much happier now that I got control back over my time and my life!
  16. Personally, I would delete my account so I can truly move on and there is zero chance for a relapse but it is up to you, what you decide to do. I often believe and go for the more difficult and radical routes, as often they make you save time and efforts but they can be truly upsetting. I know I cried when I deleted my steam account but it helped me a lot in the end, with my gaming addiction. The choice is yours!
  17. That's right! I used to be a huge WoW fanatic. Did over 4200 different quests on one toon, around 720 hours of gameplay if I remember correctly and believe me when I say I wish I would have spent those 720 hours with real people and who knows what I might have accomplished. I might have a girlfriend and tons of real life friends. If you want my personal opinion, don't return to WoW, please. It is simply not worth it, it is drug for gamers. But two things I wanna add and that are important to know: - Blizzard is now owned by Activision, I believe. Activision are known to want to make cash and make more cash. They are actively pushing for WoW to make them more money so mounts cost almost $40, are you serious?!? 40$ for a little dragon? That's the price of a Nintendo Switch game! They want to grind us of our money for the sake of their shareholders. -The gold system and the whole Ah are fuc*ed and what did they do to fix them, introduce WoW tokens! More money for Activision and things are so overpriced in World of Warcraft now. I believe it is a problem they are not fixing because it benefits them. You almost have to buy tokens to buy things on the Auction House. That or you farm for days and weeks. We are not cash cows and at this rate, I would much rather spend all that money on myself, be it a gym membership or meet-ups with friends. So don't play Classic, it is not worth it and keep strong, we will all beat this addiction, one day at a time. ?
  18. Day 3 Allô! LOL With my french. I have this co-worker, his name is Dan and whenever he says that (it literally means ''hi''), he says it in such a funny way, it puts a huge smile on my face. loll You'll have to excuse me if I didn't post last night, I was so tired and felt asleep after that hockey game, Montreal vs Detroit, original six. I was happy to see this morning that my Patriots won, Tom Brady had another incredible night and the Astros won too. As you can see, I eat and live sports! ? It makes me feel so alive, I would play hockey and football, if not for fragile legs. I had injuries in the past and I gotta be careful. Work is fine but I must be aware of what I do, not do random things with my legs otherwise it will hurt. I wear plantar orthotics, I have this condition where without them, I walk with too much pronation and it can leads to injuries, I suppose it contributed to possible depressions and my addictions. When you have chronic pain as I am (didn't eat dairy products for years and possibly have osteoporosis/and or arthritis), it makes everything tougher! And we can get those at 30, I thought wrong when I thought that only old people have arthritis, teenagers can have them. And I'm having these little rashes, ever since I quit gaming. It is slightly annoying but if that's my body detoxifying, I say ''Go for it, turn me into a tomato!''. LOL Get all that bad out of my body, OUT! Here are my accomplishments for yesterday now: - I went back to the gym, WOO-HOO! I trained, I did cardio, I used the massage chair (that is FREE! at my gym), talked with people, I felt so good and so alive. I noticed that I still have that old habit of oogling girls in leggings. I absolutely hate and it disgusts me that I act this way and even if I heard a lot of guys do it, I don't like it and I don't want excuses in my new life! It is sure that still being virgin at 30, I suppose it is ''normal'' that whenever I see someone of the opposite sex in sexy wears, I will feel attracted but I feel like an animal (that we are lol) and I don't like it. I will try focusing on their beautiful faces more. And hair, I really like girl's hair. - I went to a music instrument's store and bought a Fender Rumble 25 bass amp, FINALLY! After months (or was it years?), I went to the next level and am getting serious about learning how to play bass. I stopped doing random things and am focusing on learning the instrument correctly! I really like that ever since I quit gaming and started this process, I am doing all the projects I put on hold for so long. Really show you that something is working, somehow. - I talked to my mother on the phone, for 14 minutes. I am slowly but surely getting out of my isolation. - I did module 6 of Respawn, it is all really starting to take shape. I was working 16 hours a week lately because I would not admit it but I wanted to spend as little time working and as much time playing WoW. 16 hours a week allow me to live decently but I cannot repay my student debts at all. And the interests are building up. And I still preferred this to playing less World of Warcraft. Now that is addiction, when it affects your life negatively, poor decision making. Starting tonight, I will get back to 40 hours and will repay all of my debts in 7-9 months. It really motivates me as in Canada we're about to start this very long 6-7 months winter season but when it ends next year, in 2020, I will be debt-free and then I will be FREE to try and start dating again!! Just typing that, I feel so much emotions in me, like I want to cuddle with a girl and kiss her over and over again. It is good to feel that way, I'm starting to get synched back with my feelings. ? - I slept a lot and frankly, I still feel sleepy. Detox must do that, all the bad is coming out and it tires you. I will go lie down for a few minutes and relax some more. Have a great day, talk to you tomorrow! *edit* I have been listing to electronic music again too. Here is a wonderful video, helps with anxiety and stress.
  19. Well, I will try to make a shorter answer as I tend to write novels and I notice it and it only makes my posts longer rofl but I believe it is worth of mention, all you did so far to beat this addiction. You are making progress, more than you can see, acknowledging we have a problem is 50% of the problem as they say. You are making steps in the right direction and if you keep at it, do this 90 days detox without cheating or quitting, I believe that like me, we can break free from obessive gaming forever! One gotta be optimistic, one gotta believe in his dreams and yes, I suppose you could say it has become a dream of mine to live a life without gaming. Major kudos for ripping your pc apart, I would NEVER be able to do that (it cost me $1500 and I need it for learning bass, all those music softwares) but it is impressive, really! Wow. Yes, it is better that we don't do things too drastic too fast, that we don't burn steps. In my case, I haven't dated in over 18 years. Last time I tried doing Respawn as it is the 2nd? time, I tried forcing things and it felt horrible. I lost time going to a bar and not being able to talk to anyone, I nearly had a mental breakdown and got into a really dark place. I went from point a to point z in 2-3 days and it was wayyy too rushed. I have learned and will do better this time. ? I feel the same, the more we support each other and all the others on the forum, the more we will see progress. Helping people irl is kinda like helping npcs in WoW except this time, it is meaningful and I really like what they call the domino effect. The more we help others, the more it can lead to them helping others and it goes on and on. That our actions create a wave, like a domino falling on another domino and it goes on and on, does that make sense? And it makes us feel accomplished, it makes us feel good and truly, we are making this world better, one day at a time. As in World of Warcraft, sure, we are helping people but there aren't real and our inaction in the real world is accomplishing nothing or very little compared to what we would do if we were not gaming so much. And there you have it, another novel! lol I suppose that's 20 years of isolation, gotta let it out somehow.
  20. Hi, good morning (as it's 6:00 am over here in Canada lol)! Your post does resonate with myself as well, I guess WoW is still very much popular, probably much more than I thought on my server and especially with the launch of Classic, we will see more and more people getting addicted back to this game. Ugh, I hate to think about it, hate to think I used to adore this game! I would not want to return to it for all of the gold of the world. Don't lose hope, I know firsthand how difficult it can be to quit gaming, I too have tried quitting for years now but Respawn and GameQuitters have been life-changers lately, I have faith we can both continue to strive in a new life, in a new world, if we continue moving forward with the program and the process. I believe you can be dam* proud of yourself, I mean, 28 years old : a master's degree, a well-paid job and a wife (all things I don't have and I'm 2 years older). My father at your age was about in the same spot, had a car too ...now it is kind of depressing what you all accomplish at such a young age and I did almost nothing. ? But I am doing auto-derision, of course I did things, just not as much… it will come, I must not lose focus. You know, from reading your introduction, I have been wondering ...how does one know he is in depression? Am I in depression? Because if I am, I will seek help and treatments asap but I feel ''happy'' or rather, I think gaming and other addictions made me so numb to my own feelings that I don't ''feel'' so much anymore. I have trouble telling if I'm in depression or not so I was thinking that you might be able to tell me how we feel, how we act and maybe if it resonates with my current situation, something will happen in me and I will have a better idea? That's worth trying, if that doesn't bother you to talk about your depression. Thanks for WRITING, and have a wonderfully calm, relaxing and productive day, as well! ?
  21. Hey Liam! Yes, when I start writing, it can go for a while… lol No, it isolates us and the more we play, the more we feel isolated (when we can still feel the feeling of isolation and are not too shrouded by ''gaming cloud''). Haha, yes, we are new to this journey but if you just started, keep going! In my case, this is day 4 and already, I am making tremendous progress. It is a great idea, the one of getting out of my comfort zone and I agree, there are so many social hobbies everywhere, all we have to do is get out of the house more and get social! I went to the gym yesterday. Talked with a couple people, it felt good. Thanks and likewise! Christopher
  22. Day 2 I did so much today, oh my god, I cannot believe it! :') -I did module 2, 3, 4 and 5 of Respawn including all the worksheets. This did me a lot of good and now that my life is much more organised and I manage my time better, I can see a path for progress going forward with this process. I bought a whiteboard as suggested in module 5? and am constantly writing things on it, making my choices better, working on improving my life. This is like a drawing table and I'm drawing the new life I've been dreaming about for years and years. -I picked new hobbies, restarted drawing and reading, spent 8 hours outside of my home, that did me a ton of good! -I went shopping for all the supplies for drawing, bought other things that I believe will improve different spheres of my life, little things for a better hygiene, looking better. -I went to the movie theater and saw a movie called ''Celle que vous croyez'', it was in french as I'm french (bilingual) and it was amazing! Trailer is here: It made me smile that slowly but surely, I am losing interest in pornography and starting to notice real girls more. Being close to the age of the main character's love interest (Alex), I kept thinking that I wish I had a such good-looking women loving and wanting me as much as Claire. LOL It is refreshing because before it would not have been the case, pornstars furfilled all my needs (just as video games were) but this is not enough anymore. I want the real thing but more importantly I believe, I'm starting to want love and intimacy more than sex. Human touch. I used to see women as sex objects AND I HATED IT SO MUCH, I felt pitiful, very remorseful because of that but it is fading and I could not be happier. Having not dated in 18 years, I really, Really, REALLY miss and lack love so when I feel ready and am further in my respawn process, I wish to find a women that will want me as much as Claire in that movie. It IS a movie, I realise that but there are lovey-dovey women just like me that miss and lack love. Together, we will recharge our batteries. Hahahaha. - I played a ton of bass, spoke with my father a lot, made plans to repay my student debts faster, changed my work schedule and possibly more I forgot. Overall, it was a very satisfying day. However, I had some outbursts of anger with mundane details such as dropping my fork on the floor and pain in one foot. It happens but clearly, I am physically and psychologically affected by quitting all those addictions that I had. Lots of tremors in my hands, feeling uneasy, I think I had two panic attacks (or was that just anxiety? I'm not sure…) and this sounds very negative lol but I see it in a good way. That means I am recovering, my body and my mind are detoxifying and I must continue on that path I have chosen. The side effects might increase in the coming days or they might decrease, we shall see! See you tomorrow!
  23. Hello everyone, I decided to start a journal to commemorate this new path I have chosen and also, I wish to see the progress I will make in all it's multiple forms so here I go, day 1! Day 1 Today, I did the following: -I started Respawn, did module 1, still need to do the worksheet but I will do so once my father print the paper. -I am also addicted to Internet so I gathered some informations on various websites, am starting to purge distractions from my life. Be it politics, Hollywood or those mindless searches, it has to go, it is not benifiting me personally and is a YUGE time-sink! I deleted all my favorites. -I am also also addicted to pornography so I picked some numbers I will call tomorrow to see if I could get treated somewhere for this addiction. It is by FAR the worst of the three with gaming being the third so I will need real-life help. I deleted all my porn favorites, am planning to block all porn websites. -I almost started a 28 days therapy for my various addictions but the $4860 cost stopped me in my track, unfortunate because it really gave me the feeling it could be a life-changing opportunity! -I'm going to spend some time with my father and also I'll be seeing my mother for the first time in 2 months, slowly but surely I'm getting out of my isolation which is only positive. And that is all for now, see you tomorrow!
  24. Hello everybody, my name is Christopher Garneau and I'm a 30 years old male from Canada. Ever since I've been 5 years old or in other words in 1994, I've been a gamer. From the moment I laid my hands on that Super Nintendo controller back at my uncle house and started playing The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Then came Earthworm Jim, Super Mario World, Final Fantasy V, Super Mario RPG, there was no limit to how much I would play and I guess my uncle loved it because it kept me occupied. LOL And I was less turbulant that way. From elementary school through high school to college and now university, my friends have been gamers but that was when I still had friend because nowadays, I have ''friends'' but I never see them and am extremely isolated from the world. Apart from my father and workmates and people in shops or restaurants, I never see anyone. No friends, no family, I haven't seen my mother in 2 months, old high school friends in 2 years so more reasons to be drawn to video games more and more. To furfill my needs and survive in all this isolation and this life of seclusion. I haven't had a girlfriend in 18 years, I'm not afraid to admit it and I haven't kissed or touched a woman of my life. Most people would find this not normal and have done something about it before 18 years but I must take responsability, I was severely addicted to video games and also pornography so I filled my life with all that instant gratification, all that dopamine and felt okay with being a recluse for almost 20 years. This is not entirely true as until around 1 year ago, I cried often, probably had a few depressions and lots of suicidal thoughts. I was in pain, felt like a failure, felt like I was betraying my parents, betraying all those who loved me, I felt like a weight for them and just wanted it gone! Then I started playing World of Warcraft until today and WoW became my life, my purpose in life and my reason to live. It filled all my needs better than anything I ever encountered but there was a big problem: I was alone and probably too addicted to realise how sad and depressed I really was. But I finally woke up from this extremely long slumber and feel like changing things. Feel like I got a problem (probably more than one, more like a half-dozens LOL) and I want to fix them! When I was playing WoW, I was ''happy'' but I felt numb, I feel numb when I spend long periods of time in front of a computer. Even weeks or years ago, I felt something was not right because gaming never made me feel as ALIVE as when I was with friends IRL or when I was playing bass or talking with women. I played a lot of bass this morning and I get this euphoric feeling, it cannot be matched by anything gaming ever produced! I was laughing and brimming with happiness as I was playing Legendary Child by Aerosmith or Bitc* by the Rolling Stones. The longest I ever spend without gaming was 2 years when I had a long-distance relationship with a girl also living in Canada and she was so out of this world. In many regards, I would call her a soulmate and we were so happy together ...but I chose gaming over her and often contemplated suicide over that thought. When you think that most will never find a woman so wonderful you could call her a soulmate, you had one and you dumped her because you wanted to play Zelda, I got over it. I got past that trial but I still feel bitter and ashamed at myself. We haven't spoke in 8 years and life went on. I don't love her anymore and I hope she does not too, we went on with our respective lives ...but what we had was so incredible, those 2 years were the best years of my life and I felt so alive. To this day, I still feel angry at myself for letting her go. I probably caused her so much grief as she really loved me and those that know me irl know I am the sweetest person you will ever find. I wouldn't hurt a fly and I go out of my ways to help others, everyone loves me (almost ;P), I'm really a good person and to think I could hurt such a sweet girl, it still enrages me after 8 years. I say I do not like her anymore, this is true but there's a catch. I would go back with her and recapture all that we had in a heartbeat. I stopped loving her so I could move on but yeah, can you really move on from such a big love? Who knows. But what I really want to know is what my life will be without gaming? I am tired of being alone and wasting my life away. Tired of having no real friends, tired of having no human touch in almost 20 years, tired of hurting others and frankly, tired of gaming and pornography. I feel it inside my very soul and even inside my body, I want something different and I want it now. I want change! And with Respawn Elite and Cam and you guys, I feel like this is my best shot at getting what I want. Getting my life back under control, living it to the fullest and as Cam said ''Waking up every day excited to live it to the fullest''. Living my dreams and my aspirations. I wanted things, I had dreams back when I was 4 years old, back before I learned about gaming. It feels like I spent all my life playing video games and in some ways, it is true and I suppose that is why they had such a powerful grip on me and I found it so difficult to call it quit, I don't remember life without before gaming, I FORGOT! But I want to remember and I will, during the course of Respawn and I think there's a 90 days detox. I plan on doing it, see how my life changes, the changes operate on me, this will be fantastic, no doubt about it! I have so many objectives and things I want to do and fix but I will take it one day as a time and even when trials occur, I will hold on. I will hold on till the end and we'll see how it goes! Thank you for having me here and God bless! Best of success to everyone and talk to you again soon. ? Best regards, Christopher