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Paul's Journal


Paul A.

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Day 15

I wasn't in the house much today; I actually go places on Sunday. First I went to a church service, then I was home for 3-4 hours before I went back to church for a youth service. I spent most of my time at home catching up on some shows. I had some cravings, but I ignored them. Just got home from church.

Honestly, I'm thinking about going back to gaming. I just can't seem to find any fulfilling alternative activities. This is the same thing I struggled with when I tried to quit the last time. I feel great the first couple of days, but once I really get into it, I'm overcome with intense boredom, and with it, cravings (really bad ones). The good news is, my pastor is going to hook me up with some piano lessons sometime soon, and I might be able to convince my parents to buy a piano for me (or at least a keyboard), so that will solve my activity predicament. Problem is, I don't know how soon it will all go down, so for the time being, I'll either have to keep enduring the boredom and the cravings, or go back to gaming, and the latter option is seeming like the most likely course of action.

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Try reading fiction. It is a cheap way of entertaining yourself and way better then gaming away all day. I think fiction is underrated. It helps you to evolve more imagination and gives you topics talk with comrades at school(if you read popular series). I would commend the book Eragon if you like medieval fantasy and dragons. Divergent is a science fiction/fantasy trllogy I enjoyed. Both are addressing young adults and are easy reads without being boring. There are ton of great and fun books in every local library. Just ask where the books for young adults are stored and I am sure you find some ones you will enjoy reading.

Juggling is also a cheap and fun activity. The basic 3-ball juggle is learnable in a short amount of time. And you just need 3 Balls and some time. https://www.youtube./watch?v=x2_j6kMg1co There are some great tricks explained on the internet. Just write out how to train them and you won't have to use a computer for it.

Piano is awesome too. I would start with a cheap keyboard and try out for 2-3 weeks. To learn the notes, finger posture and some basic songs you won't need anything fancy. Later on a real piano or a good electric piano are more grounded solutions(they are really expensive).

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Don't give up. Hard times shouldn't make you quit detox, they should remind you about bad impact games cause.  It's good to write reasons why you've started detox, this will be a good "panic button" once you feel cravings.

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Try reading fiction. It is a cheap way of entertaining yourself and way better then gaming away all day. I think fiction is underrated. It helps you to evolve more imagination and gives you topics talk with comrades at school(if you read popular series). I would commend the book Eragon if you like medieval fantasy and dragons. Divergent is a science fiction/fantasy trllogy I enjoyed. Both are addressing young adults and are easy reads without being boring. There are ton of great and fun books in every local library. Just ask where the books for young adults are stored and I am sure you find some ones you will enjoy reading.

No one my age reads... :P

It's mostly true, not many people around my age are big into reading, but I do pick up a couple of books from time to time when I go to the library. The thing is, I only pick up the books which seem interesting to me (which turns out to be not so many), and it actually takes me quite a bit of effort to do something like READING. So, yeah.

Don't give up. Hard times shouldn't make you quit detox, they should remind you about bad impact games cause.  It's good to write reasons why you've started detox, this will be a good "panic button" once you feel cravings.

Thanks for the encouragement. When I am hit with cravings I do try to remember the reason I stopped in the first place, as a way to keep me going. The real problem is the boredom I deal with on a free day, like the weekend. Those are the times where it is especially difficult for me. I'm thinking that I might go back to games, but only on weekends, I made a rule for myself not to play games at all on school days, and I will only play on the weekends after all my chores are done, and when I have nothing better to be doing.

 

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Day 16

I hate Mondays. Especially coming back from a 3-day weekend. And ESPECIALLY when I had several cups of caffeinated soda the night before (I can't help myself :(). As you can imagine, when i woke up, I was very tired. Lucky for me, all it takes is a shower and I'm (somewhat) energized. Nothing unusual happened at school, just a normal day. After school I watched a bit of TV, then I helped my little brother with his homework before I got to work on mine. I don't think I did the best I could on it, because since I barely got any sleep the night before I can hardly think straight, but it is due on Wednesday so I have another day to work on it. Keeping myself occupied on school days isn't much of a problem for me because:

  1. I'm in school most of the waking day.
  2. Family Feud is on during the week.
  3. I don't have much energy to do much of anything since I never get enough sleep.
  4. Homework.

Even so, I was hit with some cravings, but they were pretty manageable. I have decided not to game at all during school days, and if I do happen to go back to gaming, it'll be on the weekends, but only after I have completed all my chores and homework, and when I am feeling really bored and have nothing better to do. We'll just have to wait till the weekend to see what happens.

Well, that's been my day. I think I'll try to do the 7-min workout tomorrow, right now I just feel so lethargic.

 

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Try reading fiction. It is a cheap way of entertaining yourself and way better then gaming away all day. I think fiction is underrated. It helps you to evolve more imagination and gives you topics talk with comrades at school(if you read popular series). I would commend the book Eragon if you like medieval fantasy and dragons. Divergent is a science fiction/fantasy trllogy I enjoyed. Both are addressing young adults and are easy reads without being boring. There are ton of great and fun books in every local library. Just ask where the books for young adults are stored and I am sure you find some ones you will enjoy reading.

No one my age reads... :P

 

At your age this was my main activity xD. People differ I guess. But I really think that if a story catches you , you don't need effort to read. You want to know what will happen and it takes effort not to read if that happens ;).

 

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Couldn't write yesterday, so I'll give a run-down of it today.

Day 17

Nothing out of the ordinary happens in my life. Yesterday was like any other day, really. I went to school, came home, went out, then did my homework, then I slept. At school we made chicken nuggets in Home Economics class, they were good. Then I got home and I was actually on the chat, mostly with @Remigjus and @SuperSaiyanGod , we had a good chat. Then I was doing my homework, but my mom said we had to go out, so I did (reluctantly). I was terrible, as usual, but I played with a friend from school so it was kinda fun. I ended up ranting to him about how unfair my life is, and I even talked (more like, SCREAMED) about a game I used to play on ROBLOX. I don't know why, it just came out. Afterwards I came home to do my homework, then I slept.

At school, I've been feeling more and more lonely every day, mostly when I'm sitting in class with none of my friends around. I feel like I have no real friends. I do have a couple of friends, but I don't see most of them at all outside of school. I've only been invited to a party by someone at school once this whole year (it's on Friday at SkyZone, I'm excited). It is completely my parents fault that I can go almost nowhere outside of school, if not for that I might have more friends and more meaningful friendships. It's so unfair how everybody else gets to hang out with their friends after school, and they get money, and independence, and I don't even get a fucking allowance and the only place I can go to outside of school is the basketball court, which is like a 2-minute walk away. I just get so frustrated that I was born into this life. Everything that my peers take for granted, like their phones and money, I just WISH I could have. It's a "why me" scenario. I know that there's no real answer, but it's really affecting me. I feel so alone in the world.

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I don't even get a fucking allowance and the only place I can go to outside of school is the basketball court, which is like a 2-minute walk away. I just get so frustrated that I was born into this life. Everything that my peers take for granted, like their phones and money, I just WISH I could have. It's a "why me" scenario. I know that there's no real answer, but it's really affecting me. I feel so alone in the world.

Firstly, I'll point out an idea: the fact that you aren't given a phone or money may seem like a disadvantage, but it may prove to be quite the opposite. 

You have recognised a disparity between your current situation and the situation that you want: whether that be to do with material things that you want, or the desire to get out and do things outside of home. While it may seem like your classmates are being spoilt by their parents now, it certainly won't be the case forever. The mere act of you working to close that disparity will make you much stronger than if the life were handed to you on a silver platter. 

If it's money that you want, have you ever considered looking for a part-time job? Unfortunately you're probably too young for conventional jobs at most companies, but I think I got my first one when I was 15, helping out cleaning at a pharmacy. I'm not sure what the situation is like at home but I'm sure some of your neighbours would be happy to pay you to mow their lawns, walk their dogs or clean their pools. You could even deliver newspapers in the mornings. I know it's very easy for me to say and much harder to do, but it may be worth a shot.

PS keep it up Paul, you're doing great :)

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Be patient brother. I know it's annoying when people say this, but just trust me, you have so many good years ahead of you. Best year of my life right now and I'm 28. Feels like it gets better and better every year... but it took until my mid 20s to figure it out. Patience patience patience. Keep investing in you like you are right now and it will all work out in the end.

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I couldn't post again yesterday, but I don't feel like giving yesterday a regular entry, I'll just say that I had a lot of homework, and I was distracted by watching Family Feud and Jeopardy. There, that was yesterday. Nothing interesting, as usual. But I think I'll go ahead and post my entry for today now, since I don't think anything much will happen later.

Day 19

Another day. Nothing special happening, as usual. I felt extremely lonely today, like I have no real friends. I realized today that most of my conversation comes from butting into other people's conversation, and rarely does anyone try to initiate conversation with ME. But I'm too scared to try and start a conversation, because what would I talk about? Nothing interesting happens in my life; I wouldn't know what to say. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. Plus, the public opinion of me isn't very good as it is, due to a number of events that occurred prior. That's my problem. I don't know what I can do.

 

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There are many ways to get popular at your age but I would think having a cool hobby like skating or being in a sports team in addition with being comfortable talking with girls are the most standard ways. The next questions are what do you do to hinder your self becoming someone interesting and happy. For example you are too scared to start a conversation. If it is fear of rejection you need to work on it. It isn't something which will go away by itself. You most likely just are missing experience in social surroundings. How do you do work on it? Go out of your comfort zone, but only a little bit. Ask at a shop the person selling you stuff how their day is going.

Say a friendly hi to a stranger on the street. things like that. If it starts feeling easy, make it progressively harder.

Next steps could be making people you know or don't know a compliment:Hhey man your new shoes look awesome! What model is this?

Man nice shot! You gotten really better over the last month.

Try to find things you like at other people and just say them what and why you like it: 

Hey it is so cool that you never pick on me even if the group does. I really appreciate it that you don't participate.

Hey you are so badass  how do you deal with your parents that they allow you this.

Linking that compliment with something which is important to you and you have a perfect conversation starter. Having something interesting to tell helps, but isn't the key of a conversation. It is more about showing that you are interested in the other person and their feelings.

I know this sounds hard and it is, but not because what you have to do is hard. It is hard because you need to find the steps and the difficulty you can manage. You just need to work on it everyday in these achievable steps. What do you think you could do today to loose social anxiety?

You can start investing in yourself. Become interesting. What would be interesting for you? Someone who does crazy sports tricks? Someone who talks with girls easily and is approached by them to spend time with him? Someone who is really smart and develops new things which are helping the world to be a better place? You could be that interesting person. Not tomorrow but all these things aren't out of reach either. Find something you would be. It can be not rational just dreamy stuff. What do you want to be?

It feels like you need a direction where to move. You know what you don't want to be(lonely,unhappy,caged in, computer addict) be but you don't know what you want to be. If you figured this out, it get way easier to choose what to do next.

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@WorkInProgress

Thanks for the advice. The problem is I am always stuck at home because my parents don't allow us to go out, and I don't get any money. I've tried to talk to my parents about it, but they aren't being supportive. So that destroys any hopes of a cool hobby. But I do want to learn piano, the problem is getting my parents to buy me a keyboard, but I'm working on that. Also, since I can't leave the house the only social environment I'm in on a day to day basis is school, and it's just too uncomfortable for me there. So unless something changes about my social situation, there's not much I can do. Thanks for the help though.

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Day 20

I'm not feeling so great. I was invited to a birthday party that was today, but because my parents are incredibly busy, they wouldn't be able to pick me up. My friend told me he would find someone who would pick me up, but he never called me. Obviously I'm bummed that I don't get to go to the party, but it also makes me feel more lonely. This is the only party I've been invited to all year. When I was younger I used to get invited to parties all the time, but since middle school I've barely been invited at all. I've been invited to a party once each year of middle school. What sucks is that I was invited by the same person last year, but I couldn't go either because my grandfather had just died. I don't know what I can do.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Feeling really bored, really unentertained

 

 I don't know 'bout you, but me? This summer's pretty lame

 

 What is a man to do to hold his interest

 

When nothing really lifts his spirits when he is depressed

 

 I thought it would be relaxing, to have nothing to do

 

 But it turns out staying home is really boring too

 

 I don't know what to do, to fill all of this time

 

 This boredom is so torturous, like punishment for crime

 

Anyone would struggle, when always stuck at home

 

And of course who's fault is that? My parents, not my own

 

 Also let us not forget my lack of steady income (no allowance or nothing)

 

Having fun without a penny, difficult and then some (I'm not even bluffing)

 

So what's my point? That staying home all day just isn't cool

 

I'm so bored that I kinda wanna go on back to school 

 

 

So that's how I've been feeling ever since school ended (and if you can't already tell, I'm exploring rap again). I thought it would be relaxing to have nothing to do, but it has turned out to be really boring, especially since I've been struggling to find new activities. I've been gaming every single day since summer vacation started (even today I've played a bit and I might play later). I just don't feel strong enough to do anything else besides to game, I even had to force myself to write that rap. I'm not able to concentrate on anything much for long periods of time, so much so that now I think I have ADHD. I've struggled with my focus on doing anything besides gaming, and ADHD seems like the only plausible explanation to my inability to stay focused. The thing is, I'm not even good at any game I play, but yet I can't stop playing them, it's a vicious cycle. I've been considering new activities and the ones I think I'd like are ones that require concentration, like writing raps (which I had to force myself to write) and reading, but I can't stay focused long enough to even do them. I've also struggled to even bring myself to do anything but watch TV/YouTube and play games, I've wanted to write and read more for about a week now and I barely did any reading, and the only writing I've done recently is the rap above (plus something I did yesterday). I struggle with discipline and just getting started on things, I suppose. But at the same time, I feel like I'm trying to justify my inability to get started on things and to focus with a disease that hasn't even been diagnosed in me. Maybe it's sheer laziness that I have to work on, but I'm too lazy to. See how that works? I'm stuck in a loop. 

Well, that's how I've been doing over the past 2 weeks. Bored. Stressed. I think I'll try to write some more, or I'll just play some game like I have been the last 2 weeks. 

Edited by Paul A.
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