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Matt

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  1. The last month could be described as... relapse. It physically started with the weed. A friend of mine had to harvest a lot of plants so I helped him. At first I thought how cool it was if I could do it without actually smoking it. Then I tried it saying to myself that it'd stay casual, obviously it didn't. What lead to the gaming relapse was an email from the guy who I had given my account information, asking me about email confirmation and letting me know that there's a new event. I said to myself, just for the event... Bam - three weeks gone and I have barely anything to show for it. What happened? This shit stops now. I don't have time for doing drugs or games. I need to stay at my senses in order to move on to another chapter of my life. I need all the fitness and perception if I get the technician job that a friend of mine could get me. I've got plenty other activities that need a lot of time now and gaming quite frankly looks quite dull compared to playing the e guitar. It is an awesome sounding instrument and I have no frigging idea why I haven't started playing it earlier. Guess I never saw myself as cool enough or something... Needless to say, because of all the shit with the relapsing I was feeling pretty ashamed of myself all this while. It's weird because while being ashamed and addicted you actually become incredibly egoistic aswell. You start to care less for others and even yourself. The ego takes over, demanding more of the specific thing that 'satisfies'.
  2. Hey, welcome to the gamequitters. I too had to quit many bad habits, and in my own experience porn is hardest to quit, but also the most rewarding. If you're anything like me, you will come to actually decide to quit, from that point on it will be much easier. Good luck and enjoy the journey.
  3. <2016-09-29 Thu> Spent half the day at work and the other at a buddhist funeral and then spending time with some friends. However the day ended horribly, as it breaks my heart to find out that I'm still heart broken inside, after all this work, this is still my main reason for pain in this life... Winning and being happy just 'don't feel like me' you know what I mean?
  4. You starting in college and decide to quit games, that's awesome!! Great you joined!
  5. Hey, haven't read your journal in its entirety. I can relate to quitting porn though, I'm in the same boat. Pretty impressive what you have done, you should be proud. Ok, you're anxious, but that's to be expected in your situation. If you feel like crying you are ALIVE which is ten times better than living live like an addict. If you're afraid of people you can do something about that. I was very introvert for years, things are changing now and I too have done A LOT of porn and games and other shit. Start with small stuff, courage is like a muscle. It can grow and improve, but you don't go to the gym lifting 200 pounds right away. Start small. Good luck!
  6. <2016-09-26 Mon> The day is over and I'm left to stare at the blinking cursor. But I'll summarize. Day started with some volunteer work (collecting fruits...) My old boss called and offered a 'temporary' job. I know the job I kinda like it because it's very physical job, so I took it. It's just eight days. I was reluctant though because I committed already to my web project. It was basically greed that made me take it, I could rationalize it some other way, but I admit I need a little more money so I can buy a car. Since this cuts into learning time, I will sacrifice leisurely browsing the net and other useless distracting stuff for the next two weeks, so I can still make some progress there. There's much to study for me. As I wrote in my original post, I used to smoke a lot of weed along with the gaming. I kinda relapsed on the weed because a friend of mine brought me a 'sample' from his home-grown stuff and I smoked a couple of times. I'm thankful for the experience because it reminded me of why I quit weed. It makes you slow as fuck! It's horrible I really can't work, read, study or do anything when I'm on weed. It's another addiction and I want a life free of those. My friend can still smoke weed I don't care, but I not gonna poison my mind with this stuff any longer. On a more happy note, steady progress on the music front. First Salsa class tonight. This class is way more advanced than me, but I'm muddling through. Salsa reminds a lot of Rumba and some Jive figures I already know, so I was able to pick up a lot very quickly. My own music is progessing too. I don't know which goals to set there yet, but there's gonna be some soon. Guitar + songwriting is an amazing combination. In about two weeks I could perform at a local audience if I wanted to, it's open for everyone, but I don't feel I'm quite there yet. Maybe I should start by performing in front of some friends, would make for a good goal. Fuck, I need to throw a party, and the summer is already over! I've tried the 750 word method today. http://750words.com/ This shit is crazy! I have to try this more often, it's supposed to get ideas going. It was a weird feeling just writing down things that come into your mind, but it's kind of calming, that's for sure.
  7. <2016-09-23 Fri> It's easy to see why this week so far has been less productive than the past. Lack of prioritization. There's many things that have come up, financial decisions to worry about, researching about how to start a business etc, fiddling around with some other stuff like accounting software and shell scripts, that have kept me from my primary task. It's a bad feeling to to worry about too much and get next to nothing done in the end... *argh* Powerful thing that I discovered is to ask myself how I *feel* about stuff. A new Alien movie is coming out? How does that make me feel? A distant friend has died? How does it make me feel? Angela Merkel admits mistakes in her refugee politics? How does that make me feel? This is something I've never done before. I used not to care about so much, not forming any opinion about shit, probably because I thought noone cares anyway what I think. However starting to ask myself this a lot more is starting to show results. I wrote my first song using this 'technique', by imagining myself in a specific situation and then think about how it would make me feel and interestingly the words poured out of me. It was an amazing feeling. I want to write more songs, learn more about myself, what more I can come up with, get in touch with my truth... I've set a bold goal, which feels kind of crazy, to get my first job as a freelance web designer within a month. Obviously it is comprised of several little sub-goals that have to be reached before hand. I'm still unclear on which order I do the things in, but I'll try to take it one thing at a time from now on.
  8. Summer is now over which is now changing things up a bit. I have less things to do outside now that I can squeeze in between the work on the screen, but that's OK. I have a bit less motivation to work out than usual and also working less hours than last week. On a more positive note, since I'm a long time member in the local air rifle club and shooting is an enjoyable thing to do, I restarted shooting on a more regular basis. There's a shooting evening every second Saturday, which is nice to start out the night and theres weekly training on Tuesday which might complement my martial arts and dance classes nicely. Since I enjoyed volunteer working so much I applied for some more volunteer work for a church-based festival in the near future. It's a one-night thing, but it might be a good way to learn to know some more people in my town. Got no reply from them yet so I will exhaust my personal contacts to get in somehow. I know a guy in a different sect-type of church that's also taking part in the action. If you're wondering "What the hell is going on with him..?": I have realized I like religious people a lot, at least they try to be descent people and have strong morals. Many people nowadays can't tell the difference between good and evil anymore and don't listen to the ancient wisdoms. There is no real Gnostic organization here, but since Gnosis is something that transcends times and organizations and has reappeared throughout history again and again, I think it's inevitable that it will get more popular again. People will realize time and time again that the key to salvation is first a self-understanding. "For he who has not known himself has known nothing, but he who has known has at the same time already achieved knowledge about the depth of the all." Jesus - The Book of Thomas the Contender On a note about martial arts: My sub-concious probably told me that I don't need a training partner for Wednesday's self-organized training, so I have an excuse not to go there. *shakes fist at sub-conscious*. I really need to reprogram that part of me so I have a partner for sparring every week. The training with teachers on the other two days of the week are excellent but lack opportunities to try out things on my own and get the 'feel' of everything. Then again there's a lot that's worthy of discussion and I will post this journal in higher frequency. But which time of day is a good time to write this? Late afternoon doesn't seem bad. Thank you Alex for your encouragement and advice. Yes, the third person perspective is good to help your mind control yourself and plan ahead. However I rather not think too much about the time wasted, it's still an uneerie feeling for me. I have enough to do from keeping me off games fortunately. To escape reality I now can additionally play guitar which is great because I'm really getting better at guitars as well as singing. Becoming good at this would be so great... Last year I got a little bit discouraged over some stupid comments and stopped practicing about it. *facepalm*
  9. Hello notKosmic, just a suggestion: why don't you try to set lower goals? Set them so low so you will beat them a 100%. This helped me A LOT, because it gives me a sense of winning and thus creating much more drive to keep achieving. Great to see a fellow Christian. I was misled by evil my whole life, then a year ago I came across the Gnostic teachings of Jesus Christ. It completely changed my life and outlook into the world. Reading scripture is a powerful thing, and it's very impressive when ppl know it by heart!
  10. Hey addict10n, congrats on starting the journey. I had the same impression in my situation, but believe me there is a lot of common ground. You just have to find it. Keep working and exploring. You'll find organizations you can join and do cool stuff in. Keep working on it and you will get 'your touch' back
  11. Hey man, congrats on starting this. I'm in a similar situation concerning talking to women and I want to change it too. I started reading Models by Mark Manson, because more experienced guys said it was the best book on the topic and so far I find it very helpful (I'm in no way affiliated with this book!) I'm starting to put myself out there but it's still hard. Good news though, you're still young, it should be easier for you than it is for an old man like me
  12. Welcome to the fold man. Good job taking on responsibility and make the decision to quit. This is very important. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Are you starting a journal too? I can only recommend it
  13. Hey Rodrigo, awesome introduction I congratulate you on your decision!
  14. Things are going OK. There are urges but at the moment it's a more random than usual. I'm wearing tight jeans that seem to help to diminish the urge to fap. I try to split the day similar to a 'regular work day'. 8 hours work then later dialing down, reading, excercise etc. Maybe in the late evening I work a little more. I play around on the guitar in the evenings too, and I get the feeling that it would be amazing to be able to sing decently. Just a few more days that we have really hot weather then summer will be over! I started to read Models by Mark Manson to deal with my crippling anxiety with women and this book is busting open something that might be the key to change it all. I've read the first part of the book and it is now clear to me that a painful path lies ahead of me, but I intend to walk it. It turns out I have little to no ability to express my emotions towards women and usually I quickly end up talking and asking about 'safe' and boring stuff. This bothers me a lot obviously because it makes my life really boring and dreary. I went NoFap to defeat my porn habit and become a better person. Now I realize that there is a lot of work to be done to reconnect with my emotions, to truly accept who I am and become comfortable with it. There's a lot more to be said, but I need to get going. A remark to everyone who cared enough to reply here. I cherish this opportunity to talk about what's going on in my life and for the first time in a very long period I feel truly understood here. I'm overwhealmed by the amazing responses you gave me. I'm really grateful for every response. Thank you all!
  15. ** Five Days Later Needless to say there were a lot of urges this first week. However I took Cam's advice and kept myself busy outside the house with a canoing day trip and some volunteer work. For the days working at home at the screen I used the method of whats-his-name? 25 min screen time 5 min non-digital. I did chores like cleaning or making beverages usually for those breaks. It's an excellent method and I will keep doing it. I'm proud to have kept all my commitments this week. Thank you Piotr for bringing up Martial Arts and being a merchant. I have started a Jiu Jutsu class earlier this year and this was a huge stepping stone for me. Then I learned how much I loved fighting but at the same time how much work there still has to be done to become good at it! It's not like in some fighting game where you learn some button combinations to make special moves but it's hard work. Anyway, I haven't given up, tomorrow the new season starts and I will hit the dojo two to three times a week. And yeah, about being a merchant... I considered trying that irl but so far I haven't figured out how to go about it it. It's one of the things I really want to try but avoid at the same time because as with every new thing there is a lot of room for failure. Speaking of failure and success, I'm trying to set really low goals now wherever I can. It's an amazing method that looks dumb at first. For example set the goal to read 1 page of this book. Then you do it and if you read 10 pages you have exceeded your goal tenfold! It's a great feeling of success. These little successes are really important to me because over the years I have built the habit of losing, of not succeeding in my goals. Winners have the habit of winning and it's these little victories that can change the whole game for you. Thank you all for your encouraging words, I really appreciate it!! It's great to see others respond well to something you wrote and to see others have the same experience but are also positive about it! ~ In memory of our brothers and sisters who died on 9/11 ~
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