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Gaming the System 005 - The Link Between Gaming and Depression

SuperSaiyanGod

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 3, 31.08.2019

It's 5:40. I went to sleep at around 0:20am, and immediately fell asleep to what was registered as a nap, until 2:00am. But then I just went to sleep again and somehow slept until around 4:40, and haven't been able to fall asleep since then. So for now the plan is to do some stuff for a few hours and then go to sleep for another three hours.

I'm feeling this weird combination of sleepy and hungry.

I did all my taksk yesterday except cleaning the room. So today's task is pretty much only to cleann the room and the apartment.

I'm feeling pretty good since the last time I tried this, by day three I was depressed because I had reverted back into my old sleeping habits. That got me extremely depressed actually, and that depression lasted until three days ago. I'm doing quite well so far though. It's not very hard at all if I go easy on myself. And I don't see a reason why I shouldn't.

I'm not quitting gaming right now. That is a goal for some weeks down the road. According to that rule I'm focusing on one thing at a time, and the most important thing (the one with the largest effect on how I feel) is the sleeping habits. Last time I quit gaming (somewhere around 24.09.2018) I was able to go to 80 days because I was ready. I was mentally prepared after three months of working on my other habits, namely food and sleep. Back then the two were a great success and I was highly motivated and well-equipped to do the gaming thing. But right now I'm not prepared, when I tried to quit several days ago I went maybe 22 hours. And it amde me feel horrible. Which is why there's no point in trying to do that right now.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 4, 1.09.2019

It's 6:34am. This day is sort of a milestone because the exact same situation as last time I tried this happened yesterday, but the reesult was different. So last time I tried to fix my sleeping habits, at day three I screwed up and instead reverted back into my old sleeping habit, by I think going to take a nap sometime before noon and sleeping for like five hours. This made me completely depressed for several weeks, I've actually never felt this bad before, never had as little motivation as I did then. I felt like a complete failuer, unable to perform even the most basic tasks in life, sort of like what I described just before day 1.

Well, yesterday the plan was to go to sleep sometime before noon or in the early afternoon and sleep for maybe two hours. This would allow me to feel better during the day but not screw up with my falling asleep during the night. Well, I went to bed at 9:00am and the two hours turned into five. And it wasn't registered as a nap but instead as normal sleep.

I instantly felt angry and disappointed in myself, just like last time. Like I'm a failuer and that the rest of the day is already ruined and wasted because I couldn't even do this simple task, and because the effort from the last few days was now wasted. But then I thought that, even though I felt the anger (which I was trying to hold back and not let it turn into full-blown self-hate), I could stil turn this around by doing the major task I had planned, which was to clean my room and the apartment. My room had been a mess, with barely a way to walk from the door to the bed, and no way to get to the window, and I knew that it was sapping my motivation the same way my bad sleeping habits had. And so I started working on that on the course of the rest of the day, and it took about five hours to complete.

Now my room looks very well, I threw out all the trash, cleaned the floor, reorganised the items which have been piling up (sort of against my minimalism: guitars, amplifier, stationary bike etc) and now I have a lot of space in the middle. So much that when I return here in two weeks (because I'm leaving today) I'll be able to exercise comfortably (about that later).

And at the end of the day I felt accomplished, and I liked myself. I think the self-hate that I so often experience stems from a disappointment in myself for not being able to do basic tasks, for procrastinating, etc. Yesterday I had none of it. I feel like my head is now more clear and I can soon start focusing on the more complex aspects of my life.

Now it's 6:48 and I have to get going because in a few hours I'm leaving for my parents' for two weeks. I sort of dread some of it but more about that later. The main task for today is: while I'm at the train for four hours, look into and start writing that thing I've been procrastinating with for almost two months. Once I do that there'll be a lot less stress in my life.

Day 4. That was night 4 too I think. After the night 4 I felt my sleeping was much more stable. I think it's a matter of a few more nights at most before my sleeping pattern gets normalised, and then it'll be just about sustaining it and making it a proper habit.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 5, 2.09.2019

Yesterday I slept maybe half an hour on the train around noon and half an hour during a movie round 5pm. Then I went to sleep at 9pm because I'm at my parents' and didn't feel like staying up once they were asleep. I was a bit worried that it would backfire, but it worked out very well - I was asleep for maybe 75% of the time between 9pm and 6:30am. The I just woke up on my own and felt quite well-rested. I was also hungry, which is good. And now I'm done with my morning routine. I forgot to exercise though so I'll do it tomorrow, because I don't feel like showering twice.

Nothing else to report today.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 6, 3.09.2019

It's 9:15. I went to bed at 10pm and slept just as well as yesterday. Feeling pretty good. Yesterday I slept for an hour between 2pm and 3pm (being at my parents' actually helps with my sleeping habits because they keep interupting me if I sleep during the day). And then I slept for maybe half an hour total while watching movies and reading etc.. It didn't make it harder for me to fall asleep in the evening.

Today I tried exercising before shower, and it went badly. My knee hurts during exercises it shouldn't. This made me a bit angry. But I'm also unable to do really any exercise because I get ridiculously tired almost immediately. Maybe I just have to give it a couple more tries and it'll get better.

That's it for now.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 7, 4.09.2019

It's 9:30, I almost forgot to write this. So, yesterday I didn't sleep at all during the day, and I only got very tired around 5pm - way too late to take a nap. So I went to bed at 8:30 and didn't have virtually any trouble falling and staying asleep all the way til 5am. Then I got up before 7am. Which is awesome. So it took just 7 nights to get to this point. Now I think I just have to keep working on making it a well established habit.

Once again, what helps a lot is being at my parents'.

Also, today I woke up sore. Even though I exercised an objectively small amount. That's good, that makes me happy and gives me motivation to exercise again. So I'll do it in a few days.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 8, 5.09.2019

It's 13:18 and I almost forgot to write today because I woke up at 5am and immediately started working on writing an article sesction that was due on the last day of July. And that's because yesterday my supervisor messaged me about it and so the deadline finally cought up with me.

But get this, working pretty slowly and taking lots of breaks, including guitar and breakfast breaks, it took six hours. There were maybe three hours of work in that period, tops.

But overall it took me two months and five days to do it.

Jesus. I'm so stupid. Every time I procrastinate, it turns out it was the easiest thing ever.

This makes me anxious about the other thing I've been procrastinating all summer, which is to find a three-week internship. I had to do it by the end of September, but I didn't because I found it extremely stressful. Paralyzing. And it's going to cause me trouble at college almost certainly. But it's too late now, so I'll just worry about that later.

I'm sort of bored. I was planning to play 2 video games while I'm here (there's no possibility to download more), but I've lost interest. Maybe I'll read a little, but I'll have to do it while sitting in a chair, because otherwise I'll fall asleep.

I'm sort of sleepy. Just enough that if I were to lie down I'd fall asleep. But I don't want to do that, there's too big a chance of causeing problems. Yesterday I didn't sleep at all during the day, and went to bed at 8pm, read a little and went to sleep at 8:30. I think I fell asleep almost immediately, and I think I only woke up three or four times the whole night. I woke up before 5am and I wanted to continue sleeping so that I can be less sleepy during the day, but I couldn't.

Anyway, that's it for now.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 9, 6.09.2019

It's 9:30am. There's not much to report today. Yesterday I didn't sleep during the day, though it was a bit of a challenge to survive around 2pm and 6-8pm, and I went to bed at 8pm and to sleep at 9pm. I think I woke up maybe 4 times, slept 80% of the time until 5am. I seem to be unable to sleep longer, though I really think those two extra hours would help during the day.

I feel great relief from having done the thing that I'd been procrastinating. Now I feel good, calm, every time I think about it. Feels good to have no obligations.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 10, 7.09.2019

Almost forgot to write today, it's 8pm. First of all, I woke up on my own at 6:30am. What is weird, is that after several days of waking up around 5am, waking up at 6:30 felt late. It felt almost like if felt earlier to wake up at 5pm. This is very weird.

Yesterday I didn't sleep during the day, today I was close to sleep when I was watching a movie with my dad, but I don't think I slept. I think it helped with not sleeping later though.

My parents are leaving today around midnight. Then it'll be a week alone with only cats. I'm looking forward to it, but it actually felt good to spend a week with my parents. What I'm worried about though, is that I'll no longer have an incentive to go to sleep early every day. I'll see how it goes though. Maybe I should just set up a rule to turn off the computer at 8pm and it'll take care of itself.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 11, 8.09.2019

15:00. This night was the first one in about a week when I had real trouble falling asleep (not initially, but around 1am). But at the same time i felt extremely tired all night, as if I had been running 30 hours without sleep. I think I slept five, maybe six of the 8 hours I was in bed. Now I'm tired, but I'm trying not to go to bed. I've just played the guitar, feels good to actually learn things instead of playing the same old stuff all the time.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 12, 9.09.2019

It's 7:15. I got up at 6:10 because the cats woke me up to feed them, and I thought it didn't make sense to go back to bed just so I can sleep maybe half an hour til seven. So then I started playing guitar for 45 minutes. It's very satisfying to practice and get better at new things (that is pick+fingerstyle hybrid and Stairway To Heaven - it only took two days to feel good at both). Yesterday I also practiced twice for quite a long time, including in the evening - I knew it was time for sleep, but I wanted to continue playing, so I went to bed at around 21:30. I always feel like playing all the motions one more time before I quit, and I always do that several times.

It's also very satisfying to dwarf my friend at the bet we made about who is going to play their instrument more - every half hours counts as "once" and I'm winning.

Yesterday I didn't sleep during the day, after going to bed at 21:30 I think I woke up only twice, with about 1,5 hour intervals. I can't say I'm quite well-rested, but enough to get through the day.

Now it's time for shower and people food.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 13, 10.09.2019

It's 22:15. Last night was actually the first in a while (well, like 13 days I think) when in the morning I had real trouble getting up. The cats woke me up just before 7am I think, and I had the alarm set for 7, but I really wanted to go back to sleep. I didn't though.

Two things today I'm not happy about. One, immediately after getting up I wasted somwhere around 2 hours in front of the computer instead of just taking a shower and starting breakfast. That was stupid. And two, I slept between around 14:00 and 16:00, when again cats were trying to wake me up because it was eating time. The thing is, at around 13:30 I didn't feel like doing anything except reading, so I read in bed and was trying to fend off sleep. But then I just gave in. The worst thing about this is that afterwards I felt like a failure, like before this whole experiment. Which is stupid because objectively I'm doing much better now than before. I think I just can't deal with even a smal failure without attacking myself for it.

On the plus side, today I practiced on the guitar more than ever I think. Or at least since around 2013. This includes 1,5 hours straight while watching a movie just now.

Now I'm going to sleep. I don't feel very sleepy, but it shouldn't be that much of a problem.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 14, 11.09.2019

It's 7:45. I can't eat breakfast early today because I forgot to thaw out my foods. But I already had shower and did all the other things. Feels good.

I couldn't fall asleep until around midnight, maybe a bit later. But then I slept pretty easily until 7am. Getting up wasn't easy, but I put on some music and it got better. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 15, 12.09.2019

21:15. Forgot to write today. Slept pretty well 10-7, had trouble getting up, but did within 5 minutes and put on music. Planned to get up at 5 but too early, need to go to sleep earlier if I want that (weirdly, 7 feels late). Feel okay, played guitar. Found another challenging thing to play on guitar - Mr. Nobody soundtrack.

Starting now, if I don't mention sleeping during the day, that means I didn't.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 16, 13.09.2019

20:24. I didn't feel like writing today. I felt angry a large part of the day. I think it's because it was so hard for me to get up at 7 (which I did) and I was angry at myself for it.

So now I'm going to sleep ar 8:30pm. But mostly because I don't feel like doing anything else. I'm nto sleepy, so I'll just read for a while.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 18, 15.09.2019

7:50. Forgot to write yesterday. Well, first I put it off, then I forgot, then I remembered it when I was already trying to fall asleep.

Slept pretty okay, maybe 60-70% of the time, and got up at 7, it wasn't as hard as the last two days, but still pretty hard.

Today's the deadline for 4 things I have to do in my student association. They all shouldn't take long, but I've been putting it off for three weeks I think, as usual, and it's a source of stress.

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