Super Saiyan Journal

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 5, 2.09.2019

Yesterday I slept maybe half an hour on the train around noon and half an hour during a movie round 5pm. Then I went to sleep at 9pm because I'm at my parents' and didn't feel like staying up once they were asleep. I was a bit worried that it would backfire, but it worked out very well - I was asleep for maybe 75% of the time between 9pm and 6:30am. The I just woke up on my own and felt quite well-rested. I was also hungry, which is good. And now I'm done with my morning routine. I forgot to exercise though so I'll do it tomorrow, because I don't feel like showering twice.

Nothing else to report today.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 6, 3.09.2019

It's 9:15. I went to bed at 10pm and slept just as well as yesterday. Feeling pretty good. Yesterday I slept for an hour between 2pm and 3pm (being at my parents' actually helps with my sleeping habits because they keep interupting me if I sleep during the day). And then I slept for maybe half an hour total while watching movies and reading etc.. It didn't make it harder for me to fall asleep in the evening.

Today I tried exercising before shower, and it went badly. My knee hurts during exercises it shouldn't. This made me a bit angry. But I'm also unable to do really any exercise because I get ridiculously tired almost immediately. Maybe I just have to give it a couple more tries and it'll get better.

That's it for now.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 7, 4.09.2019

It's 9:30, I almost forgot to write this. So, yesterday I didn't sleep at all during the day, and I only got very tired around 5pm - way too late to take a nap. So I went to bed at 8:30 and didn't have virtually any trouble falling and staying asleep all the way til 5am. Then I got up before 7am. Which is awesome. So it took just 7 nights to get to this point. Now I think I just have to keep working on making it a well established habit.

Once again, what helps a lot is being at my parents'.

Also, today I woke up sore. Even though I exercised an objectively small amount. That's good, that makes me happy and gives me motivation to exercise again. So I'll do it in a few days.

Edited September 4, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 8, 5.09.2019

It's 13:18 and I almost forgot to write today because I woke up at 5am and immediately started working on writing an article sesction that was due on the last day of July. And that's because yesterday my supervisor messaged me about it and so the deadline finally cought up with me.

But get this, working pretty slowly and taking lots of breaks, including guitar and breakfast breaks, it took six hours. There were maybe three hours of work in that period, tops.

But overall it took me two months and five days to do it.

Jesus. I'm so stupid. Every time I procrastinate, it turns out it was the easiest thing ever.

This makes me anxious about the other thing I've been procrastinating all summer, which is to find a three-week internship. I had to do it by the end of September, but I didn't because I found it extremely stressful. Paralyzing. And it's going to cause me trouble at college almost certainly. But it's too late now, so I'll just worry about that later.

I'm sort of bored. I was planning to play 2 video games while I'm here (there's no possibility to download more), but I've lost interest. Maybe I'll read a little, but I'll have to do it while sitting in a chair, because otherwise I'll fall asleep.

I'm sort of sleepy. Just enough that if I were to lie down I'd fall asleep. But I don't want to do that, there's too big a chance of causeing problems. Yesterday I didn't sleep at all during the day, and went to bed at 8pm, read a little and went to sleep at 8:30. I think I fell asleep almost immediately, and I think I only woke up three or four times the whole night. I woke up before 5am and I wanted to continue sleeping so that I can be less sleepy during the day, but I couldn't.

Anyway, that's it for now.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 9, 6.09.2019

It's 9:30am. There's not much to report today. Yesterday I didn't sleep during the day, though it was a bit of a challenge to survive around 2pm and 6-8pm, and I went to bed at 8pm and to sleep at 9pm. I think I woke up maybe 4 times, slept 80% of the time until 5am. I seem to be unable to sleep longer, though I really think those two extra hours would help during the day.

I feel great relief from having done the thing that I'd been procrastinating. Now I feel good, calm, every time I think about it. Feels good to have no obligations.

Edited September 6, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 10, 7.09.2019

Almost forgot to write today, it's 8pm. First of all, I woke up on my own at 6:30am. What is weird, is that after several days of waking up around 5am, waking up at 6:30 felt late. It felt almost like if felt earlier to wake up at 5pm. This is very weird.

Yesterday I didn't sleep during the day, today I was close to sleep when I was watching a movie with my dad, but I don't think I slept. I think it helped with not sleeping later though.

My parents are leaving today around midnight. Then it'll be a week alone with only cats. I'm looking forward to it, but it actually felt good to spend a week with my parents. What I'm worried about though, is that I'll no longer have an incentive to go to sleep early every day. I'll see how it goes though. Maybe I should just set up a rule to turn off the computer at 8pm and it'll take care of itself.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 11, 8.09.2019

15:00. This night was the first one in about a week when I had real trouble falling asleep (not initially, but around 1am). But at the same time i felt extremely tired all night, as if I had been running 30 hours without sleep. I think I slept five, maybe six of the 8 hours I was in bed. Now I'm tired, but I'm trying not to go to bed. I've just played the guitar, feels good to actually learn things instead of playing the same old stuff all the time.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 12, 9.09.2019

It's 7:15. I got up at 6:10 because the cats woke me up to feed them, and I thought it didn't make sense to go back to bed just so I can sleep maybe half an hour til seven. So then I started playing guitar for 45 minutes. It's very satisfying to practice and get better at new things (that is pick+fingerstyle hybrid and Stairway To Heaven - it only took two days to feel good at both). Yesterday I also practiced twice for quite a long time, including in the evening - I knew it was time for sleep, but I wanted to continue playing, so I went to bed at around 21:30. I always feel like playing all the motions one more time before I quit, and I always do that several times.

It's also very satisfying to dwarf my friend at the bet we made about who is going to play their instrument more - every half hours counts as "once" and I'm winning.

Yesterday I didn't sleep during the day, after going to bed at 21:30 I think I woke up only twice, with about 1,5 hour intervals. I can't say I'm quite well-rested, but enough to get through the day.

Now it's time for shower and people food.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 13, 10.09.2019

It's 22:15. Last night was actually the first in a while (well, like 13 days I think) when in the morning I had real trouble getting up. The cats woke me up just before 7am I think, and I had the alarm set for 7, but I really wanted to go back to sleep. I didn't though.

Two things today I'm not happy about. One, immediately after getting up I wasted somwhere around 2 hours in front of the computer instead of just taking a shower and starting breakfast. That was stupid. And two, I slept between around 14:00 and 16:00, when again cats were trying to wake me up because it was eating time. The thing is, at around 13:30 I didn't feel like doing anything except reading, so I read in bed and was trying to fend off sleep. But then I just gave in. The worst thing about this is that afterwards I felt like a failure, like before this whole experiment. Which is stupid because objectively I'm doing much better now than before. I think I just can't deal with even a smal failure without attacking myself for it.

On the plus side, today I practiced on the guitar more than ever I think. Or at least since around 2013. This includes 1,5 hours straight while watching a movie just now.

Now I'm going to sleep. I don't feel very sleepy, but it shouldn't be that much of a problem.

Edited September 10, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 14, 11.09.2019

It's 7:45. I can't eat breakfast early today because I forgot to thaw out my foods. But I already had shower and did all the other things. Feels good.

I couldn't fall asleep until around midnight, maybe a bit later. But then I slept pretty easily until 7am. Getting up wasn't easy, but I put on some music and it got better. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 15, 12.09.2019

21:15. Forgot to write today. Slept pretty well 10-7, had trouble getting up, but did within 5 minutes and put on music. Planned to get up at 5 but too early, need to go to sleep earlier if I want that (weirdly, 7 feels late). Feel okay, played guitar. Found another challenging thing to play on guitar - Mr. Nobody soundtrack.

Starting now, if I don't mention sleeping during the day, that means I didn't.

Edited September 12, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 16, 13.09.2019

20:24. I didn't feel like writing today. I felt angry a large part of the day. I think it's because it was so hard for me to get up at 7 (which I did) and I was angry at myself for it.

So now I'm going to sleep ar 8:30pm. But mostly because I don't feel like doing anything else. I'm nto sleepy, so I'll just read for a while.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 18, 15.09.2019

7:50. Forgot to write yesterday. Well, first I put it off, then I forgot, then I remembered it when I was already trying to fall asleep.

Slept pretty okay, maybe 60-70% of the time, and got up at 7, it wasn't as hard as the last two days, but still pretty hard.

Today's the deadline for 4 things I have to do in my student association. They all shouldn't take long, but I've been putting it off for three weeks I think, as usual, and it's a source of stress.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 19, 16.09.2019

8:09. Woke up at 6:40 because my mom was leaving for work. My parents got back around 2. I think I'll stay here until Saturday, in part because their presence will help me with maintaining my sleeping habits (which is very important for at least another week to silidify the habit), but mostly because travelling back home is going to be easier on Saturday.

I think I slept remarkably well, maybe 90%.

I did almost all the things I had to do yesterday. It took only a short while really.

[Zala]

On 8/29/2019 at 6:11 AM, SuperSaiyanGod said:

I'm going to record this exact process, wherever it may lead. That way I'll know what exactly what I did next time I'll find myself in the same situation.

I especially like this part! Stay strong. I wouldn't fight sleep. I've read many times you can't make a person fall asleep unless they lack sleep (and you don't use any drugs, coffee, caffeinated drinks ...). It might take even weeks or months of naps, don't worry, it's your brain readjusting.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 20, 17.09.2019

20:47. Got up around 7am, it was pretty hard to get up. I just played guitar with my dad for a while. It was pretty chaotic but okay.

That's it I guess.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 21, 18.09.2019

20:51. So it's been three weeks. I think that's what's said about how long it takes for a habit to form. I don't feel like my habit is formed. Every evening I have this thing that I want to keep sitting in front of the computer like I always do (or did, hopefully) or just keep myself from falling asleep for as long as possible. Maybe that's because going to sleep means cutting myself off from all the stimulation, and I want as much stimulation as possible. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of that silence and void of me just lying there doing nothing, and that's why I want to keep myself stimulated.

But, it actually feels good to realise that I haven't done that in three weeks. Not once during these three weeks did I have to feel horrible for going to sleep at 4am (or at 8am, or later). I didn't have to feel disappointment in myself or self-hate because of that. I did occasionally feel some disappointment from getting up at 7am instead of 5. This is what I already talked about, it's not really rational. Maybe it will go away.

Getting up has been hard all through the last week. I go to sleep at 9 or 10 pm, and sleep for 9 or 10 hours (stay in bed for that long, sleep less of course because I keep waking up multiple times a night). And then all I feel like is going back to sleep. But I never once did that. I stayed in bed until around 8 sometimes, including today. And I spent that time doing things I'm not proud of, including browsing the internet. But at least I didn't fall asleep again. I always remember that that would be a disaster. What if I sleep until 12pm? That would ruin everything I achieved so far.

So, I wonder if more of the same is going to change anything. If in it'll get easier for me to get sleepy in the evening, easier to actually go to sleep, and easier to get up in the morning. And possible to sleep through the night without waking up. Or maybe I should change something. But that comes later, for now I'm sticking with this.

One last thing: it's gotten a lot less exciting. If used to feel amazing, every new success was a reward. Now it's just "how much longer do I have to do this until it gets easier".

That's it. I didn't plan to write any of this right now. Today I woke up at 7 and got up at 8. It didn't feel good, but it's better than going back to sleep. Almost forgot to write today again. I played the guitar for 1,5 hours, it felt good. I started learning Nothing Else Matters. As always, it's intimidating, but actually starting on a short fragment makes it perfectly doable. Also one other thing I've been trying to get a hadle of (but not nearly as much practice as Stairway to Heaven earlier) suddenly clicked today - just a few more days and it'll be mine.

Edit: I weigh 89kg.

Edited September 18, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod

[Deku]

Love the emphasis on getting enough (but not too much) sleep. Such an important foundation to build to foster a productive lifestyle. Keep up the good work!

[Adminiculum]

Well here they say you need 3 months to introduce a habit.

You do good, it will feel better with time. Patience, discipline and faith, youll be good!

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 22, 19.09.2019

7:46. Someting interesting happened today, that is, something different than usual. Yesterday in the evening I made a plan to put my phone away from my bed so that I would have to get up to turn off the alarm. I didn't expect it to have any effect, because usually when I did that I would just go to sleep immediately. For example when the alarm was set for 14:00 so I would get up then instead of at 17:00.

Now it worked. I heard the alarm, was confused as usual because of it, but got up and turned it off. And then my rational side took over: I had absolutely no good reason to get back to bed. And I just started my day - shower etc. It felt very good.

So it might be a good idea to try it again. I think this time it worked because the circumstances changed so radically.

I think I woke up 4 times this night. Slept maybe 80%. I find it very frustrating.

Edited September 19, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 23, 20.09.2019

8:41. So today I woke up on my own and it was bright, so I immediately jumped out of bed thinking that I'd missed the alarm or even turned it off without remembering. And then I looked at the phone (which was away from bed) and it was 6:57.

So yeah. That was a bit of panic.

Yesterday I couldn't fall asleep until well after 23:00. But I still got some 7 hours of sleep, which is awesome.

I think I haven't had any suicide thoughs in three weeks.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 24, 21.09.2019

19:10. I've been at my parents' for exactly three weeks. It was nice, much better than expected. It helped me with my sleeping habits.

Now I'm back home, I got back at noon. The first thing is that it's cold here, much colder than back at my parents'. This makes the bed very inviting. I need some way to keep my feet warm because it's very distracting. I am currently in bed because of that reason.

An interesting development. I think this night was the first night when I didn't have to get up during the night. This is probably because the previous night I only slep for some 7 hours. But that doesn't seem like a sufficient explanation. Another explanation is that it's because I'm getting better sleeping habits. But it's too early to conclude that. It's still early in the process.

So I went to bed at around 21:00 and fell asleep quite quickly (or at least it didn't take exceptionally long, just a normal amount of long) and slept straight until 5:30, which is when I had to get up. I may have woken up during the night but I have no memory of it.

The result is that today I am more sleepy than usual. Over the last one week it wasn't really a problem to stay awake during the day, but today it was a little tempting to take a nap. I didn't though.

I played the guitar today. I've now played every day for 13 days, at least 45 minutes a day. This week I played much less than last week though. Today I returned to my own guitar and it's much harder to play than on my dad's guitar. I think I need to go to a music store and ask how to make the strings "softer". That Nothing Else Matters is coming along nicely, though slowly. My brain is slowly getting used to these new movements. I'm currently trying to get my head around the verse and today I've been mostly playing two bars on loop.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 25, 22.09.2019

I've been feeling much worse since I returned home. Maybe it's because this place is associated in my head with all the crap I'm usually feeling. Maybe it's because there's less space, or no cats. Or maybe it's because I don't have anyone to talk to. For the last three weeks I spent time with my parents every day, and quite a lot for my standards. Now I don't have that ability.

So I really don't feel like playing guitar today. And, just like yesterday, I really feel like sitting in front of the computer all night. I think yesterday I went to sleep after 21:30, or even 22:00. Not bad, but I felt this compulsion to keep going. Even though earlier that day I felt sleepy because I had woken up earlier than usual.

I just don't want the day to end. I don't want to be quiet with myself. If I was able to fall asleep immediately, it would be much easier.

Tomorrow my friend is visiting me, and I also have a meeting set up with my other friend. So I'll be spending time with the two people I like most in the world, at the same time. This is going to be interesting, and might give me a boost I need.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 26, 23.09.2019

7:56. I got up at 7:45 because yesterday I forgot to set up the alarm (I turned it off because I'd already been up). And so I've been lying in bed half awake and half asleep, waiting for the alarm to go off, as I was hearing the street strating to get busy and seeing the light emerging. But then I realised there was no alarm. So I just got up. I have no bad feelings about it, I'm even happy that I already have the habit of waking up on my own this early. It wasn't hard to get up either. And I'm perfectly rested.

Yesterday I turned off the computer at 21:55. I played video games and until then. I think I fell asleep in a standard length of time, maybe an hour. Like yesterday, I don't remember getting up during the night. Maybe there was one time? I don't remember.

Now that I'm back in the city, my old morning routine is back up: first go out to buy things for breakfast, than take a shower, than make and eat a big breakfast. And right about that time my friend should be about to arrive.

Oh, today I'm signing up for a german course. I just learned I have an additional 90 hours of free language courses at my college, and I intend to use them. Maybe I should pick up another language? Maybe French, it would be nice to be able to read all that illegible stuff that sometimes pops up in italics for a change.

Edited September 23, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 28, 25.09.2019

Forgot to write yesterday.

I really don't feel like doing anything. It's 7:04. I really don't feel like making breakfast or taking a shower.

My friend visited two days ago and left yesterday. I was already itching to be on my own by the time he was leaving. Then I proceeded to waste all that time.

We met my other friend and it was fun. Most of the time I could lay back and let them do the talking, which is kinda what I'd planned.

I likely won't be doing anything today. I'll wait with breakfast until I feel hungry.

Edited September 25, 2019 by SuperSaiyanGod