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Hey BigOlBeartic.

I've been reading some of your journals. Seems like your're doing great. Maybe you can consider creating a (healthy) reward system, for everyime you reach a milestone. For me, just calling a buddy and cracking some good banter works.

Feel free to message me if you feel anxious. I'll reply as soon as I can

 

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Thanks echo! I definitely will. 

THURSDAY DAY 20 WOOHOO!

mornin 5 mins: immediate Java exam xD

i was scared for my life today because I woke up at 9:22 (I was up pretty late studying) and my test was at 9:30... my campus is usually a 15 min drive away... xD I made it inside the test room at 9:45 and thankfully I was allowed to take the test no big deal. Oh lord. I feel like I made a 100 though. ? 

my speech is tomorrow for public speaking lol this is hell week

just made a friend in digital logic circuits :) and doing well in my classes too,  I just feel content walking around campus in the sunlight. I came up with a generic drawing ideas while doodling between notes XD I think it'll be my next project :-)

SO, i just got home and decreased the normal time from 2H to 1.5H. Still trying to put that down to 1 and use that free time as I said to do something else instead of chilling at home :o aaaand my public speech is tomrorow. Uts on corporal punishment, and I am attempting to convince my audience to take a stance against it. I am pretty passionate about this topic so I want to do well.

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Good luck on the speech! I used to do competitive speech and debate in high school and it was a lot of fun. If I were to give you two pieces of last minute advice, they would be this: 1. Adding a little bit of humor will go a long way. I remember giving a speech for a college english class, and on one of the feedback cards a fellow student admitted my thesis was so against his belief system that he wouldn't have listened if it wasn't for the humor I sprinkled throughout my presentation. 2. Have clear main points (like this numbering system, haha). The clearer your main points are (most people have three, which are their body paragraphs) the easier it will be for your audience to stay engaged and remember what you said. Having solid transitions and making the main point of each body paragraph very obvious are good ways to do this.

Also, much respect for taking digital logic circuits. I have a friend who took that as an electrical engineering major and he told me how hard it is.

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Thanks so much! I think that's pretty great advice, because I notice in other student's speeches that I am more attentive of students who sprinkle humor in. One thing that happens with me when I speak is that I start shaking when I start my speech. After saying my attention getter, my face starts to feel tight and my hands starts to shake, and my voice quivers a little. Sadly I saw your post after giving my speech =/... I was thinking about putting some humor in thee, but the only tagline I could think of was something along the lines of "now that I have beaten the information into you" LOL but.. that's not really funny is it? I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate because it was such a serious topic.

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Friday Day 21 =)

'hell week' is over. I studied and worked my ass off this week , not only am i so proud of myself, I feel invigorated and the most alive ive felt in a while. The result from one of my tests already came back and guess what... I MADE A 100! ;) That was for my programming test. The others have yet to come in. I think I landed a solid B on my public speech, I was hoping for an A but I doubt I'll get it because our professor stated that this was the speech she would grade the harshest. We'll see.

Talked to my friend after class. I still feel iffy about the connection. Well, I always do. I think Info gatherer put it perfectly in his journal, where he stated something like having friends but feeling very distant from them. However, I do know its a good thing to have different connections and I've been putting more efforts into this kind of stuff.

After I got home, I've reduced the time I spent successfully to my goal, 1H :). I ate, then chilled for 1 hour with my dog + family, now I'm in my room. I utilized that extra time I have now to draw, as I planned :) I drew some poses from quickpose, and they turned out pretty well.  Feeling some old muscles and techniques warm up and come to the surface again. Its a nice feeling.
I want to add that although this week has been great, for some reason, whenever I'm in the middle of drawing I feel the need to relieve myself if you know what i mean o_o. with porn. Its very strange and I'm not sure what causes this, but I get the feling that I can't focus without doing that. Is this a lesser addiction? dunno.

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I found the joke the you added in your speech to be funny when reading it, but delivery is key. As for the starting gitters, that's normal in the beginning. It takes much more experience than I have to not get them, but I've found that they hinder you less and less over time. As long as you've hit your stride by the end of your introduction I wouldn't worry about it.

The last two years I spent at my previous college I felt like there was a glass wall between myself and everyone I interacted with, emotionally. We could talk and interact, but when we tried to reach through the glass and actually connect, I would feel a jarring feeling and not be able to. I get it. What's helped me is to stop caring. When I saw that all friendships are temporary I was able to enjoy the moment with them. I've found that when you put your own self acceptance over what others think of you and do things that you enjoy, the relationships become more organic and enjoyable. It'd be cool to hear more about where you think the source of this feeling of distance comes from. I have a lot to learn myself when it comes to that category.

Also, when it comes to your possible lesser addiction, quit for a week and see what happens. The level of difficulty it is will show how engrained it is in your life. You might find that quitting will allow you to naturally be more focused. The difficulty in this would be to not deplete your willpower so much that you relapse in other areas of your life as well.  Trying to make too many changes at once is a personal pitfall of mine.

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SATURDAY DAY 21 :3_grin:

Honestly, you are so eloquent- that's exactly how I feel. I'll do my best to stop this habit for a week; gotta tell myself to take it as seriously as the gaming detox... and to not get it to drain my willpower, as you said, because this has also been a weakness of mine that played a part in my past relapses.

Last night, was great, I drew and programmed till 2 AM. I was a little frustrated for getting stuck on a small problem and ended up spending 1.5H on yt after that. So I went to bed at 3:30-4ish. However, didn't game as i would in the past, and I worked so hard this week I think I needed that.

Morning 5 minutes: failure today, completely forgot about this. :/ ... not sure how to improve remembering this other than repeating to myself and keep making an effort to accomplish this task everyday so it becomes a habit.

This morning, I hung out with my family and am enjoying the calm after this hectic week. Today, i've been appreciating art. I listened to Nicki Minaj's new rap songs, 'Barbie Tingz' and 'Chun-Li'. The latter I thought was FANTASTIC, i absolutely love it. Something I thing Nicki's songs are often lacking is production: specifically, I definitely think her beats are lackluster. She has such a high stature in the industry by now I would expect her to get a new production team or something. The beat for barbie tingz was very generic, so I think it was natural for the song to suffer overall. On the other hand, 'Chun-Li' had a more fluid beat, which lifted the song, 2) her lines were amazing 3) I like the fact that she molded it to fit in with the mainstream raps a bit, sometimes her work is going too far into a separate direction. She said she's been working on this album for a long time and she wants it to be a classic rap/hip hop album. While the first track was eh, the second track raised my hopes for her album and I'm looking forward to listening to the whole thing :)

Not only Nicki, The Weeknd released the video for 'Call out my name'. The song is fantastic, but I was also able to appreciate the beautiful video. Composition, colors, techniques, it was all a pure work of art. Watch the video if you can - it really is something to be admired. Then I gave a listen and watched the video for Zayn's new song 'Let me'. After that, I went back and watched some old videos from Beyonce's Lemonade album, to try to catch any things I missed the previous times, and to just appreciate her work once more. One more thing; something I keep finding myself going back to are musical auditions like Catie Turner's '21st century machine' for American Idol. Its just that when someone performs such a beautiful song like that and it flows out of them so naturally - their passion and hard work are so evident. Not only are you left with your emotions stirred, but you can clearly see the admiration in the judges faces.

Inspired and driven to get on my own hustle today; 1) clean house/room 2) fill out fafsa 3) finish filing some taxes 4) schoolwork + hobby

Edit: Got my weekly report back from rescuetime, my time on entertainment sites like YT is down 50 minutes. Last week it was 11H30 minutes for the week. The week before last, it was 13H40 mins. This week its 10H40 Min. So in weekly hours, a small improvement for now, small pat on the back for that. Hope to do even better next week.

Edit 2: Also i have a new goal: looking at my phone usage hours i've spent a lot of time on there too. I'm going to transfer my sim card onto my old blackberry phone tomorrow, (probably going to go to a store to do it? I'm not sure how to do it, so I'll have to look into that. OR do a youtube video. so I don't spend too much time on it (my old one doesnt have a web browser or any fancy apps like that, its a simple old phone with a physical cord) 10h was spent on my iphone safair browser this past week! yikes =(((((!! so while I've made progress with rescuetime on my laptop, and yes, I am proud of myself for that, i was neglecting checking the time on my phone. 20 / 2 = 2.8 daily average spent on web browsing.. terrible x-x

Also I want to say i am happy with the fact that I'm owning up to these things. I think in the past I would try to hide my imperfections to make myself feel better, and just ignore them basically. But, from reading everyone's journal on here, I've learned that owning up to your imperfections is the first thing you must do to change yourself.

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Day 22! Sunday

Morning 5 minutes: failed..

So, this morning I did accomplish changing out my sim card to an old phone with no fancy apps/ just a text web browser and a keyboard. Being separated from my s,art phone triggered something in my mind. I feel more jittery and anxious. The pone im using now called one of the ZTE brand from verizon, its very old. Screen maybe 2-3" x 2-3".

I feel a lot of anxiety this morning, And I know the EXACT source. In my head, the huge thought in the corner was: was last week just a fluke? Was having all those deadlines at once the only reason i rose to the occasion? I'm really worried that this is the case. My approach now is to put that out my head like I forgot about other things last week. Last week, I was just worried about the task in front of me. Giving it my all till finishing. I was just drawing and I took a break to write this post. I felt my old anxieties seeping in, basically making me I can't do this and I can't draw at all. Its as if there is fear slowing down my hand and my pencil while I draw, and its a horrible feeling. However, writing this passage helped. I know I just need to get back in the grind and believe in myself like I did last week, because last week I became more than I ever thought I could be.

Not doing the 5 minutes in the morning really messed me up. I think the biggest obstacle here, is the fact that saturday and sunday, both days that I failed the 5 minutes, the previous night of each day- I fell asleep unplanned. And i suppose this makes my brain scrambled when i wake up. Like Friday night, as I said, I was programming/drawing till 2 AM and on YT for 1.5H. Although I had brushed and fflossed, I fell asleep unplanned, while watching yt. Gotta stop getting into bed w my laptop basically. Well, I will post an update later today saying how i did.

Aight so, I drew for 3H so overcame some of that anxiety while drawing. and that's pretty much it <.< >.> I also finished cleaning my room, thats it basically. BTW, so far ive taught my doggie how to sit, stay, shake, jump :)

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Day 23! Monday

Morning 5 mins: java programming

so, it looks like the key to being productive the next morning/day, for me, is to not go to bed frustrated the previous day. Doing the 5 mins , made a very productive day for me. A successful five minutes has usually done this for me. I should go back and calculate the success % rate for this strategy from previous journals sometime in the future haha :p

Today, I am so grateful for my friend, he helped me finish a programming project due on wednesday on which I didn't get very far this previous week. The fact he did that made me see him in a different light. I was thinking "I doubt he'll help me since he's ahead of me on this one" (we usually worked together on the previous ones). But, he actually helped me almost 100%. As I've said in the journal, I feel detatched from friends. I feel a bit closer to him now.. is it out of pure selfishness? Nah, I've helped him before too - but not in a selfless and manner as he helped me today because I always had my guard up. This surprised me, bonds level up (+1) lol

Speaking of that assignment, we just get a e-mail saying we have a new programming assignment.. whooooo WEE school is a lot X_X. At times I doubt if I want to get a masters. Having social prestige is great and everything but devoting so much time to academics... I really don't know if its for me. Previously, I wanted get a masters degree in A.I. I was thinking maybe even a PhD. Now i'm not so sure..So, after my internship and graduation, will I get a masters degree? I don't know. Anyway, this experience with my friend reinforced: school before hobbies.

So, being Monday, I also had my club meeting today and was very pleased because my project leaders were pleased with my work. :) Actually, they were impressed; for the sandstorm ability script particularly. Basically I got objects to move in a circular motion in an expanding circle outside from the player, and if the player stays in one spot, the storm will continue around the player until it finishes generating. If the player moves while the storm is generating, new storm objects will generate around the new player x values. It was hard to figure out, but thanks to yt and receiving some help from coding forums, I could figure it out. (I had to use sin and cos functions to do it. While I understand the basics of those functions, im no genius mathematician) Also, i got my second test result back from the previous week, an A-: exactly a 90. This is great given the class average was in the low 60's. This is one of the more challenging classes I'm taking this semester. I got a score in the 50's for the first test, with the class average also in the 50's. We get to replace our lowest score with the final exam score if we do well though, so I kicked into high gear to get that 90. So, if I get a high b or A on the final, I can actually finish with an A in the class! All that's remaining is my public speaking persuasive speech grade and my digital logic circuits grades. Both, I think I got less than an A on, but we'll soon see! I'm going to study a little tonight before hitting the hay.

One last thing: swapping my phone out helped a lot. With this new phone: never was I distracted or browsing the internet(particularly, yt).

 

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I know thee feeling of rising to the occasion because of external deadlines, and then being afraid you won't be able to do it again once the external pressure is gone. It's why we're all on this detox. To regain control over our thoughts, actions, and emotions. It'll take time, but we're getting there.

Hey, and congrats on less time on the internet!

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Day 24! Tuesday!

Morning 5 minutes: Proofs

I'm happy to say I managed to rise to meet the expectations I have for myself even though this isn't deadline week like last week. Convinced myself I have to do a solid night of studying to show myself I have got what it takes to excel outside of hectic weeks. Well, I did it, I was studying from 11:30 ~ 12 ish to 4:00 AM. looking back at it, only 4.5 hours extra , but thats a good chunk of time :)

So, today I registered for a summer class. For some reason, the other class I planned to take was not actually offered. The office of admissions worker told me that there was a bug in their system and for some reason, some classes it shows on the website they actually don't offer. So i only have one class down for the summer for now. I'm talking to my advisor tomorrow morning to see what can be done about it. And guys... I got my digital logic circuits test back... I GOT A 100!!!!!! :) Not a single thing wrong on it! XD At the end of the class, I talked to my professor about a homework question. After she answered and I was about to leave, she brought it up and congratulated me :) Im always at the front row , right in front of the lecture podium so maybe she overheard me telling my classmate my grade xD Anyway, yea she congratulated me and gave me a smile which kinda made my afternoon and encouraged me to keep this up for the future.

Oh and I talked to one of my friends today, it was ok I guess. We went around campus and did some 'photography' xD really just took pictures of my friend for their instagram haha and met some new people... ryan bryan and I forget the name of the girl.. i think shalyne? sadly I spent an hour on the net after coming home still. Within my goal of an hour, but wish I had done something else besides net :I Jk, its up to two hours now <.< this is my number one problem atm. Make that 3 hours :( sometimes I really hate myself. I guess I still have anxiety studying. Morning 5 mins did help though. ugh.  Im gonna go as much as I can tonight to face this.

Update: So, i studied for 40 minutes and i'm already through a lot of the homework I had. Alas my anxiety was an obstacle to me in starting earlier. If I had, I could have gotten this out of the way and drew. I am so furious at myself that I could almost cry, as bad as that sounds. Getting this far in the journal and what I've accomplishes this semester I still have this problem. Its exasperating.

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On 4/14/2018 at 3:02 PM, BigOlBeartic said:

Wrong quote. Lol!

Congratulations on 100%!!!!!! You are amazing!!!!

Also, take it one step at a time! Look at what you are accomplishing! Focus on your intentions for your detox. Internet will come later. As long as you keep getting good grades and stay game free, give yourself a little break. No one is perfect 100% of the time.

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Day 25, Wednesday.

Morning 5 minutes: went to class immediately

As you know, yesterday night I did my best to study all night. I lasted from 9:30 pm to 2:00 AM. 4.5H, which I am happy about. I need to get up just a tad bit earlier though, to work on something for those 5 minutes instead of having to leave immediately... but about my day! Persuasive speech grades come back on Friday. Today, the most notable thing: I gave myself a haircut in the mirror as I usually do. I'm unsure if I've mentioned this before though, haha.

One thought process has been reoccurring on my mind, and it concerns physical appearance. Here is the dilemma: the people I find I most admire is not based on their physical looks, but their accomplishments and their personality, their attitude towards the world. For example, I admire some mentors' bright personalities.Thanks to this journal, my personality has changed for the better and I am better at dealing with anxieties. However, I am not happy with my low activity levels. While I am slim, I want to look better and possess a higher self esteem- to start, i think just a tiny bit of exercise could change this.
I tend to prioritize my academics while some aspects of my life suffer. So, I want to officially revive one part of my life: exercise. Nothing fancy, maybe biking twice a week. It is low impact, which means I'm less likely to sustain injuries as running, and the thought of cycling around and observing nature also seems a bit romantic to me xD An obstacle to this is that a fitted bike costs in the ballpark of 400-500 dollars for beginners. I'm not comfortable spending this much money right now as a broke student relying on their parents.. so what can i do instead? I'm thinking go for walks. But yikes- walks are so boring!! However.. i don't see a better alternative.. for now. So, this weekend, I will go for a walk.

About the bike, I think if I get a 4.0 gpa this semester, I will ask my parents if they would help me purchase one. I think they will definitely be willing to contribute at least a tiny bit if I do well. Or, my god, I realize my ps4 and 3ds are still sitting around -_-. Selling those would give me that bike. hmmm... i keep saying i'll sell them but haven't done it yet. Am i subconsciously reluctant about it? Probably.. alrighty, well official goal to do that this Friday night.

Now, I will sleep a bit :) It feels great to go to sleep without having to worry about something I haven't done.. everythings done for tomorrow! :)

Edit: Reading back, I realized I forgot to thank @Dannigan, @Natasha for those kind words :) Thank you!

 

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Sell them and invest in your health! I wish I had a fitted bike. I think at some point I felt the way you did, got a cheapo bike at Walmart, and it served me really well. I'm probably going to pull it out again when summer rears it's head. 

Another thing you can do is fun activities with classmates. Instead if d and d or gaming or seeing a movie or going to dinner, swap the activity out for rock climbing, skating, Lazer tag or participating in some kind of fundraiser where you walk for cancer patients. 

They are healthy alternatives, and junk food is the last thing on your mind when you are running from a Lazer or a paintball from a paintball gun. 

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On 4/14/2018 at 1:33 AM, BigOlBeartic said:

I think Info gatherer put it perfectly in his journal

Who’s this guy? He knows what he says!

Lol sorry I hate myself but I had to

Very WELL done with those exams, 100s everywhere. I admire you. I will do my best to follow your path myself.

Also, but this is just my humble opinion and I don’t know the topic, you don’t need a 400$ bike for biking. A 20$ second-hand one will serve you well enough, then ofcourse you can invest more after a couple months if you’re sure you like it :) I love @Natasha‘s tips as well (paintball is the coolest thing) but I don’t have any of them in my city :( except skating but last time I tried to do tricks on that evil board I almost went to the hospital

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If you have injuries in your knees, feet, etc. disregard this paragraph and go to the next one. I highly recommend running. If you use the proper technique the risk of injury is low. Most of the people I know that have injured themselves were from overexerting during sports, so recreational running is low risk. If you have good running shoes, don't heel strike, keep good back posture, have a warm up and cool down walk, etc. you should be be fine. It's helped me stay in shape and it's a great stress reducer.

If you do have an injury or simply still don't want to risk one, swimming is fantastic. I swam competitively when I was younger and not only did I lose weight and get in better cardiovascular shape, I found that my pullups in gym class went from 0 to 12 after one of my more intense years on the swim team. It has a minimal amount of impact on your joints when compared to running and biking, and works your whole body.

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Haha, Natasha, bit embarrassing but I don't really know anyone that well to do those activities with right now xD But, I do have a cheapo bike, and along with Info's advice I guess I better start using that for the short term. I was thinking about the fitted bike, because after doing some research on some forums, bikers seemed to say that over the long term, using an unfitted bike can start to produce some injuries.

I have such dread about running Pierce, I used to run in high school, and compared to what I do now, it was a lot haha, maybe 30 minutes almost every day. Anyway, I stopped running that summer and tried to start again second half of my freshman year in college. Well, I must have done something wrong because I started to get a sharp pain in my shins. Thinking it was shin splints, I took 2 ~ 3 months off and tried to go back into it but I got those pains again :/ Sometimes it would get so bad, it would be there when I was just walking. I've been trying to leave it alone for maybe 3~5 months and see what happens before I try again. Any advice? I also have thought about swimming, but after my experience with running injury I'm scared to do that too. I read so many stories about shoulder injuries, and as someone who just knows the very basics of swimming, I'm afraid of having improper form without some sort of coach.

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1 hour ago, BigOlBeartic said:

Haha, Natasha, bit embarrassing but I don't really know anyone that well to do those activities with right now xD But, I do have a cheapo bike, and along with Info's advice I guess I better start using that for the short term. I was thinking about the fitted bike, because after doing some research on some forums, bikers seemed to say that over the long term, using an unfitted bike can start to produce some injuries.

I have such dread about running Pierce, I used to run in high school, and compared to what I do now, it was a lot haha, maybe 30 minutes almost every day. Anyway, I stopped running that summer and tried to start again second half of my freshman year in college. Well, I must have done something wrong because I started to get a sharp pain in my shins. Thinking it was shin splints, I took 2 ~ 3 months off and tried to go back into it but I got those pains again :/ Sometimes it would get so bad, it would be there when I was just walking. I've been trying to leave it alone for maybe 3~5 months and see what happens before I try again. Any advice? I also have thought about swimming, but after my experience with running injury I'm scared to do that too. I read so many stories about shoulder injuries, and as someone who just knows the very basics of swimming, I'm afraid of having improper form without some sort of coach.

Oh no that's totally true. Also go to meetups,or find a friend for this purpose. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. :)

Invest in swimming lessons! 

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I didn't post thursday! So I'll add a short version onto my Friday post.

Day 26: Thursday!
Morning 5 mins: go to class <_< ....I should just try to do the 5 mins before even showering. Overall, I don't remember too much about yesterday, it was a good day overall. I remember managing my time well and knocking out some homework that's due next Tuesday.

I'm trying to think of some notable things to mention... oh, for one of our classes, CompSci Engineering Orientation, we are making a game. (I 'm just now taking this because my schedule hadn't permitted it last semester). Well I pretty much did 95% of the coding xD. i did more on some aspects of it that I didn't have to, hence, making massive amounts of code relative to what we initially had planned. My group members are all freshmen and they aren't even in the computer science or software engineering majors xD one is in civil engeering, one in mechanical, one in business. So I don't blame them for not wanting to do any more than they have to. Turns out, they just picked a random Engineering Orientation class, not knowing there were options - they could have taken one specifically for civil or mechanical, but they ended up in the CompSci one. :P ! Anyway, ours is a cute little game, that uses spongebob images, and the premise is you're in jellyfish fields capturing different types of jellyfish.

Then I came home exhausted, taking a nap from 6:30 - 9:30, then studying from 11 PM to 5 AM, then slept. I'm starting to realize that my sleep schedule is starting to skew a little bit, and that now, the amount I'm studying could be done during the day if I just woke up early. For some reason though, I feel more energized during the late nights and have less anxiety and better focus. For now, I will stick to it, as it seems to be working pretty well.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 27: Friday! (Almost a third of the way to 90 days! xD)

Morning 5 mins: Java programming! HA!

Oh, I got my persuasive speech grade back and I got a 90! Better than I thought :) I just have to get a 88~ ish on the final to get an A!

I definitely know two things I want to say about today.

First thing, for anyone who's interested, is about what the current project is in Data Structures and Algorithms (or as the students call it, Java II). Its pretty interesting so I thought I'd share. This is going to be pretty long, so feel free to skip. So here's the intro: "The Infinite Monkey Theorem (IFT) says that if a monkey hits keys at random on a typewriter it will almost surely, given an infinite amount of time, produce a chosen text (like the Declaration of Independence, Hamlet, or a script for ... Planet of the Apes). The probability of this actually happening is very small but the IFT claims that it is still possible. Some people have tested this hypothesis in software and, after billions and billions of simulated years, one virtual monkey was able to type out a sequence of 19 letters that can be found in Shakespeare’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona." So, our project is based on random text generation! :D Well, almost random. The prompt is to write a program to find sequences of letters (kGrams, where k is the number of letters in the sequence) from a source text, then finding the characters that follow the kGram. Using different levels of analysis (level 2 analysis using all kGrams of k = 2, level 3 using all kGrams of k = 3.. etc), our program can generate text using the probabilities of each kGram and the characters that follow it. The generated text can be pretty close to the source text depending on the levels on analysis you do. For example, if the source text was "The pirates charted that course the other day", "th" is a kGram of k = 2, and the kGram characters would be "eaee". Then the text generation would select a random letter from "eaee" whenever "th" was the previous two letters, of course, e would have the highest chance of getting picked. I don't know how well I explained that, but just thought I'd share because it is one of our more interesting projects :)

Second thing is, I want to include an update about selling the ps4/3ds and talk about some emoooootions. I factory reset the ps4 and 3ds to get them ready for sale, and made an amazon seller account. The only thing now is to wait for my identification verification documents to go through so I can have to ok to go ahead and list them for sale. I'm thinking of using craigslist but I'm too paranoid about receiving counterfeit money. I could meet at a bank but.. I'm sure they would also want to see how the ps4 will work before buying and that just seems like too much of a hassle (bringing them to my house, etc) while I could just sell online through amazon. If anyone's reading this and has experience selling through an online vendor, let me know if you have any advice!

The emoooootions.. so recently I've started drawing again, and as an attempt to salvage a old hobby, I guess to see if I could hold onto something that used to be sort of a staple. However, as I was pushing myself to create art again, I didn't feel anything after the intial high of starting something anew. I found myself in a middle ground; it felt like I wasn't doing anything very stimulating, but not anything boring either, just meh, a negative state of mind. No matter how much I try to shake this feeling off, whenever I attempt to engage myself in a positive way with my sketchbook, I would feel that I was taking steps backwards, obviously the opposite of what I was trying to do. I'm unsure how to further describe this. I think it just reminds me of the past too much.

i guess basically.. Something that I used to enjoy, now I can't push past the feeling of it bringing me negative emotions. Anyone else experience something like this? I've talked about drawing so much in my journals I just want this to be the last time i bring it up and move on. I'll frame and hang my old stuff, then leave the sketchpad alone.

So, this leaves me in need of a new hobby in place of drawing. The first thing that comes to mind is reading or making some app.. recently, I've heard about this book named Life 3.0: Being Human in the Age of Artificial Intelligence by Max Tegmark, obviously its about AI :) I'll give this a go, as its sorta related to my field, and has great reviews + sounds very interesting. Maybe it'll help me decide if I want to get a Masters in comp sci.

Edit: omgggg, I just received the confirmation that my verification documents went through, which means I can list those items for sale now! xD Dang Amazon, it's only been ~2 hours! The estimated date for the confirmation was April 28th xD Well, I'll go ahead and list those :)

 

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Well, for a long time I associated writing with negative emotions, then beading, etc. 

All I can say about that is sometimes who we used to be isn't who we are now. We evolve and change all the time. I no longer make jewelry, knit, or bead or scrapbook or go to the gym, but I will be finishing the last two baby blankets I started. To continue any of those hobbies after that would be a failure on my part to accept myself as I am and to forgive myself for spending money on a hobby I no longer enjoy. 

Who knows, maybe it's a phase and you'll pick up inspiration later, maybe a paper and pencil isn't the right medium and you'd rather do digital art. Or maybe you just don't enjoy drawing anymore and that's okay. 

Woot! Congrats! I hope you get a decent chunk of money for them. :)

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Personally I just use craigslist for getting rid of stuff in the free category or listing a yard sale. There's a lot of flakes here. I've gotten rid of mostly furniture this way and say something in the ad like "first one here who can haul it away gets to!" People message me asking if I can hold it and I say no. I will tell them things like "nobody's messaged in an hour and you say you can't be here for another hour? I'll message you if it goes before you can get here".

I've sold on Ebay since 2002. Amazon and Ebay have become more and more like each other anymore. Main thing is to offer a return policy and be sure to package very well. Use a sturdy cardboard box and lots of good packing material (styrofoam, bubble wrap, newspaper). Make sure that it immobilizes what's inside the box. Print off a packing slip and have that inside the box. If you can write the address to ship to on the box with a sharpie great but if you print an address label then be sure to tape it with plenty of tape so it won't get torn if at all possible. If the label is too big to put on one flap and has to go part way across the gap between the flaps on the box then make sure none of the delivery address is on the gap. That way if the box is crushed or torn somehow the delivery address should still be intact. Get insurance and delivery confirmation on the package and have it priced into your sale price or shipping cost. If you do all this you will likely never have an issue with a buyer.

 

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@BigOlBeartic That monkey theorem sounds really interesting (even though I have zero knowledge of coding, haha, and a terrible maths ability.. ).

In the UK we have Gumtree, I think it’s similar to craigslist, also the facebook marketplace. To be honest the thought/worry of counterfeit money never even crossed my mind, I sell a fair bit online and haven’t had an issue yet. I either do collection with cash in hand for large items, or I sell online using eBay and get the buyer to pay me via PayPal and then I post the item. I used to sell more than I do these days though, I generally can’t be arsed with the faf unless it’s really worth my while. I traded my PS4 into a store in our town centre, they pay more in store credit thought hence the decision to buy an iPad, it all worked out well in the end. I still haven’t made a decision to part ways with my 3ds though :s 

I can relate to the drawing thing, I also used to love it whereas now it’s just another thing to do.. I’m getting that way with guitar a little too, I do still enjoy playing but then there’s an ever present sense of it all just being a waste of time, and I still struggle to motivate myself to practice most days, which just makes me feel guilty. In fact, I feel that way about most of my hobbies, I pick things that I think will benefit me in some way (eg Guitar and German for brain development/easing the paranoia of one day developing Alzheimer’s/trying to be a more interesting and well rounded individual) but then I think of how I’ll never use music in a career, probably never need to speak German to anyone, won’t use drawing as a source of income etc. I find it hard to do things that aren’t moving me towards my goals, I guess maybe my hobbies don’t align with my values which leads to discontent? Now I’m figuring out my own shit in your thread, lol, sorry. But yeah, I can sorta relate anyways, perhaps for different reasons. 

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Dang, too bad about the shin splints :/ . I haven't heard of serious swimming injuries being common, so I'm guessing either the person had a preexisting condition or their technique was awful. Technique isn't hard. When I learned how to weight lift I would watch videos and break it down piece by piece. Freestyle is the stroke I recommend if you choose to start swimming. Look up  how to do the kick and practice that. Then the arms. Then breathing patterns, head alignment, flip turns when you get to each side of the wall, etc. Half the fun is improving your skill. You'll not only be in better shape, but if you're ever in a situation where you need to be able to swim well you'll be able to.

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Day 28: Saturday

Morning 5 Minutes: Java programming

Good day overall in terms of tasks completed. I programmed for 4~5 hours. As I promised to myself earlier in the journal, I went for a walk. First of many I hope! I went with my dog and fed ducks at the park :) This was a serene part of my day. Very sweet to see the ducks slowly come up, build some trust, and eat the oats/rice. Watching the wind make the waves ripple to and fro on the pond was also very peaceful and improved my mood a bit, and doggie got to enjoy the park rather than be cooped up the whole day in the house :) What happened after that, well, I put my PS4 Pro up on sale on amazon as a bundle with some other games. I also listed it on craigslist. I put my Nintendo 3ds with twenty games also up on craigslist. (right there, that's probably more than 1000 hours of my life .. 10 of those games include regular DS games from way back in the day.) All fine and dandy, although amazon took quite a bit to figure out.. ~2 ish hours. At the end of this process, I just feel like a total loser. After listing on sale on Clist and Amazon, I googled on reddit about how people balance games + life and read a few threads about it. It just made me feel terrible, because some people claimed to work upwards of 50 hours a week, married, kids, and still balance games properly. As particular line stuck out to me "if its something you love you'll find the time."

I need to repeat to myself why I'm doing this.

1) Games are an unhealthy reminder of bad parts of my past

2) It usually creates a loop with depression for me because of these associations

3) It took so many hours of my life I wish I used to do something else, and I know if I keep gaming I'll think the same in the future

4) Even if I managed to balance it a little bit, I have a bit of an obsessive personality, and I think I would fail and sink more hours of my life into this again

5) I want to be a person who is well versed in comp sci to say the least, and hopefully one day, an expert in some aspect of the field

This also reminds me of my time on steam: around 700 hours, 500 on Skyrim alone.. =I

tldr; Starting the selling process reminded me I need to make some big changes in my life, and that I AM getting there with everyone's help, slowly but surely, i'm making the improvements to better myself. At the resolution of this process, I'm feeling pretty gloomy/somber. I guess that's natural though. Tonight I'll put forth my best efforts to move on from this, pick myself up, get further on my schoolworks/ final preparation. @Pierce Thank you for the tips, I'm making it a goal to start swimming as soon as final week is finished. Which is the week after next, no matter how insecure I may be feeling. Already feeling a little anxious about it lol.. xD having my shirt off...yikes

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