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BigOlBeartic

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Day 31

Programmed about 3 hours yesterday for the side project, then 6h for class. 

SLeep was good : ) Slept just a little bit, and feel a lot better . 

Painted 4 hr at home. I think i'm going to have to follow one of my friend's lead on this aspect of my life - she doesn't draw/ paint during the semester.. 9 Days until final week!! Gonna study a ton to make sure I crush those exams. 

🌤️ I met with a comp sci professor and discussed specialty fields of comp sci. Talked about robotics and bioinformatics. He is planning to connect me with the professor specializing in robotics, as well as his PhD student,, who interestingly has a bachelors and masters in unrelated fields. I'm excited for the future : D 

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Day 33

Studied all day yesterday, programmed 2h on my project 😄

Today I painted against my better judgement. I'm starting to see that I'm trying to juggle too many things, and during my last post I mentioned that I should probably stop drawing/painting during the semester. I think I'm going to try to stop altogether. Oh, this is my 5th day of exercising in a row 😄 Its part of my plan to get back into running.

Anyhoo, game of thrones new episode is out now so i'm gonna go watch that 🙂

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Robotics and bioinformatics both seem like really exciting fields to work in. Hoping you find passion & happiness connecting with like-minded academics 😊

Keep smiling and take care!

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Day 34

Thanks Taichi 🙂

Just got done with today's physical therapy appt. Made more progress with my legs. I haven't felt this good in a while. 

I notice hints of gaming urges creeping back in. The last time, I think I caved around day 45~ ish- around the halfway mark. 

Compared to back then, I understand myself much better. I know i'll finish this time.

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Day 36

Some stuff: I met with someone from class today to work on an assignment. I've made friends like these this semester, where we meet to work on stuff. This is a huge step up from where I used to be, to now having the courage to ask others if they want to study together. 

But i still struggle with feelings of loneliness. and i suppose, this will always be a challenge. and guess what, i actually do have some "real friends" too. but i feel very little connection with them and with the world. The intensity of these feelings is less than it used to be though, thanks in a big part to therapy.. However, they are still intense, just to a lesser degree.

I guess I should just find consolation in the fact that i feel better than i used to...  : / All I can do now is keep pushing. Keep pushing, and keep going. 

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Day 37

Feel better. Today's my rest day from exercise. My stomachs been acting up, imma reduce my consumption of processed pickle jar thingy, along with other processed foods, and soft drinks.

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Day 38

I feel used, and extremely angry and bitter at the world today .

There was a family fight yesterday night. + My friends only seem to contact me when they need help, but rarely help me, at least how i see it. I guess i'm just bad at making good friends.

I went to sleep angry yesterday, which I regret. I feel like its just coming off me in waves. I read somewhere "make friends to complement you, not complete you". I think i'm going to distance myself from a lot of them. I think I'm too attached and care too much rn.

Not a good day. Going to channel that into my exercise today.

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Day 41

Honestly, it was a good weekend! I reconnected with my parents, achieved a greater level of self understanding. Also, the new distance  little bit of distance from friends did help me. 

I do feel it was a little unproductive weekend. Unlike the last 3,, which were some of my most productive. 

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I was invited to a friends house to study today, and accepted. The study session was productive, and we got to know each other better. I also was able to develop my social self a tiny bit more. Also, it was awesome to see somebody else's world. They live in an apartment, but the lighting is much better, the design is much better. and it just feels way more like home (than my own house!) because of these things. Also very clean, and just feels like peace. you can tell there is little tension in the air, if at all. Inspired me to clean up my room! and help my parents redesign the living room a bit, its a freakin hot mess. 

Also, even my own style - which is barely there. I'm inspired to clean that up a lot... i guess I stopped realizing the importance of representing yourself in a fresh way. And the importance of having an open , 'free feeling' , well designed space. 

on another note, another final tomorrow. got 2 out of the way today, and i'm sure i secured 2 A's. 

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The part a few days ago you said about a 'free feeling' space. I have relocated my family recently and am living apart to finish work. My place is currently a mess from packing and being in transition. I have a big family and realized that by reducing some of the possessions and clutter that I am already thinking CLEARER. Your living space has a HUGE impact on your quality of life. That doesn't mean it needs to be big and fancy just that it needs to be your authentic special place that is well kept to YOUR own right fit. I'm looking forward to paring down even more as the summer progresses until my temporary space is a little vacation spot for my soul evening. Not for gaming though. 

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@30_yrs_of_gaming exactly right! I've noticed a huge difference. I'm trying to clean up and organize other stuff too, mainly in the software area: organizing my files / mail / stuff like that. 

D46. Finals are over! I've been going on morning walks recently, which really help clear up my mind. Also went to the gym and got a cardio workout in with the stationary bike. Now that the semester is over, i'm focusing on bettering my programming skills again. 

By the way, mother's day is coming up! I'm looking through gifts right now. Make sure you show your mom some appreciation!

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D-70. 

3rd week of my internship. I've gotten into a rhythm of programming after work as well, and i'm enjoying it a lot. Some old negative self-images still haunt me, although I'm trying to fight against that. The less i think about how I look leads to more work leads to me accomplishing more and feeling better. Its the eyebrow thing, i just need to remind myself- just trim the middle. 

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D-78

I've been figuring stuff out in my internship at a much better rate these days and it makes me so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Boiiiii

just recentlyf igured out some stored procedure in sql server along with a scalar valued function which made me so elated! 

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