BigOlBeartic's Journal

[Pierce]

Embrace the shirtlessness. In fact, flex in the mirror before you jump in the pool. I can tell you first-hand that this is a trick that will help your self-image. Growing to love your image is an added bonus for the swimming route and I'm excited to hear how it goes!

[Guest]

Thanks pierce :)

Sunday Day 29: Quick entry for today, good day. About to go for a walk, studying a little tonight.

Also, edit: Morning 5 mins: quick java project. small personal project for positivity: when i have a really positive experience I'm going to add it into the program. When I run the program, I can choose for it to output some of those positive experiences from the past (chosen randomly).

Decided to close my listing on amazon as after I called amazon, about refunds: apparently there is a minimum amount of refund you have to give the buyer even if the product comes back damaged. Up to 50%! :I Deciding to just use craigslist. Already received several inquiries for craigslist order. Won't be accepting returns so seems like this is the way to go, just got to get past those scammers and their cashier checks :I

Edit: My rescue time report came back, for last week, 6H 24 minutes on entertainments sites, so about 4H down from last week. Also, since switching to my new phone, i don't have those extra 10 hours on there. But I do have 5 - i used it after coming home sometimes, as it was sitting there in charge. So 11 h, but still better than 20 h last week. Well, today I gave the phone to my sister. So I shouldn't have any overhead from that these following weeks. Ironically, the #2 most time I spent on the net was on gamequitters - ~6H, reading everyones journals :P

I've had a lot more time to think this week. I'm gonna add a porn / masturbation detox in as well - as much as I hate actually typing out those words .. - as I suspect its affecting my energy and drive pretty strongly. I tried this in the past in the journal but was too stresed about it. This time, if I fail... that's ok, I won't let it derail me from my gaming detox. and I'll just try again. Also, I'm going to change my morning 5 mins to an hour. 30 mins. While the 5 mins is helping me a little, I want to challenge myself a bit more and hopefully see more fruitful results. Having the roughly 9H of spare time this week, I realized how much my mind is wandering without those hours spent on my phone. So hopefully these will change it.

Edited April 23, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

@Dannigan, I know right... hey, at least its GQ  I always feel like i'm learning a lot as I read other's journals and getting to know them better. Even though I probably will never meet them... xD.. thank you for the well wishes and the continual support :)

MONDAY

GAMING DAY 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSS!!!! just two more of these to get to day 90! >:D...

AND: NoFap/NoPorn Day 2! I think i'll just call this NFNP from now cuz... i really dont' like typing those words out xD

Morning 0.5H: Proofs

 

 

For today: Just a typical, good day today! Went to class, got home. Watches some animes: Hero Academia Eps 2, 3. Hmm.proofs has been confusing me lately. I have 2 finals on thursday, so i"ll be studying for those. got more e-mails inquiring about my craigslist post but have yet to receive an actual offer.

Last night I had a mini crisis looking at resumes of others in my class or even younger than me. In the end, I realized its jealousy. I calmed down after a couple mins: its only natural. jealousy is a sign that someone else is succeeding at something you want, they're symbolizing where I want to be one day. In the end, it motivated me. and, thinking about the efforts im making with my journal reassured me. With these extra hours, I'm learning to not be in my head so much: don't think so much, just do. Quick post today, but that's pretty much it for now. =)

P.S Sometimes I feel immature for using so many emojis. I mean.. i'm 21. <_< ...........

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XD - i'm such a troll

EDIT: Idk what it is today. Maybe its the nfnp, I just feel i'm on a roll. But, the reason for the edit is: I decided, hey, why the heck not just start swimming tomorrow morning?! Well, now, technically today morning. So, I bought some cheap swim trunks with lobsters on it to go swimming. Idk if i'm gonna be judged for it b/c idk anything about "sporty" swim trunks or whatever. And my dad had some goggles sitting around that he never opened. So i'm gonna return the goggles i bought. Swim trunks cost 10, goggles cost 10, returning goggles, so total cost = 10. ANYWAY, i'm extremely nervous. The last time I went swimming with my shirt off, I think i was 15 and I was out of shape. I'm still basically out of shape, lol but not as heavy as then.  AAAAHH! But, I am excited to start this process, which hopefully, I can turn into a long journey. Did I mention nervous? lol. I also read that the aquatic center at my university has a 'club' sort of, that gives lessons to all abilities over age 18, part of the masters swimmer association - or something like that name. So I'm going to inquire about that as well. Tonight, I'll spend 20 minutes watching basic form for beginners and try to soak up as much as I can for the morning. The place opens at 5:45.ghaoephgepohadagae;gh  .. thank you @Pierce for the suggestion and support to do this.

Edited April 24, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Tuesday Gaming Day 31, NFNP Day 3

Extremely hard to make it to NFNP Day 3. But I'm here. Now that i'm at this point for some reason, my urges drastically reduced, hope it stays this way!

Morning 0.5 H: Swimming

So I went swimming! Mustered up a huge amount of effort to get my ass up at 5:20 to leave the house to swim.

Some things I learned:

-I need a swim cap. water in my ears! + my hair is literally dead. maybe from the chlorine or prolonged exposure to water. -

-I'm not good at swimming: I spent the whole time trying to figure out how to breathe properly. The other swimmers made it look so easy. I kept telling myself, turn your head to breathe when you lift your arm for the next stroke. I watched some videos before I left which helped a little, but it was harder than it seemed. In the end, I told myself I wouldn't leave until I did these 2 tiny laps in a row while breathing ~ forget breathing correctly, just at least gasping for air instead of just stopping, breathing, then starting to swim again. lol.

-After asking around, I got an e-mail to which to ask about swim lessons. I hope to learn proper techniques and stuff here.

-I felt ok with my shirt off. Not too bad. When I came out of the pool, I actually looked good.

-Gonna schedule an appointment with dermatologist before I go back though. Swimming made a skin problem I had flare up~ ever morning i get these sort of white flakes, (dry skin) under my eyebrows. Whenever i try to get them off, they take the hairs off too. Some friend has also commented about this. Swimming made it worse though. After I got out of  the pool, the area of my eyebrow more towards the middle of my forehead was literally white with all that skin. Gross, i know. I shower every morning so don't judge me xD. Idk what causes this. Tired of feeling self conscious about this so I'm gonna see a derm about it, and then go back to swimming, hopefully with those lessons =)

Edited April 24, 2018 by Guest

[Pierce]

Awesome! Glad you've gone through the most difficult part: going for the first time. Looks like you did it right, doing research beforehand and pushing yourself to improve your technique once in the water. Also, great to hear that you were happy with your shirtless image. Proud of you man.

 

Here's a tip to help with your breathing: exhale while your head is underwater so you only have to worry about inhaling when you rotate your head above water. Doing both in that brief moment is miserable. Also, try experimenting with how many strokes until you breathe. When you breathe an odd number of strokes (three is a good starting point) you'll be gold, because each three stokes you'll breathe on the opposite direction which will keep you swimming straight.

Odd to hear about the skin condition; could be an allergic reaction to the chlorine. As for the hair, if I understand correctly, similar things happened to me. Some of my buddies on the swim team would have green tinted hair for the chlorine, and for me it acted as a sort of hair gel making it one solid mass. Taking showers at the pool after swimming helped.

Edited April 25, 2018 by Pierce

[Guest]

Thank you Pierce :)

Wednesday, Gaming Day 32, nfnp Day 4

I went to the derm and got prescriptions for my problem. apparently its a documented issue so it was easy to get a prescription for it, 2 things, 16 dollars in total. I just wanted to check in and put those in here. I have a final tomorrow. The guy I e-mailed responded. I'll have to do a trial swim in front of them to show that I'm not a total beginner which I'm so nervous about. I'm going to practice before I go to that. I'll try breathing out on odd strokes as you mentioned, Pierce. I guess that's all for now!

[Guest]

Thursday

Gaming Day 33, FP Day 5

Bit down today so I dont feel like writing much. Having one of those low days I guess. I got a 91 on my Java II final though :) And I plan on going swimming tomorrow morning. hmm, thats it for now.

Edited April 26, 2018 by Guest

[Pierce]

Good job on the final!

I had one of those days thursday too. Decided not to post at all. Glad you're hanging in there.

[Guest]

Friday

Gaming Day 34, FP Day 0

Gonna be a long post .. ( .___.  " )

Some bad things happened. To explain and to come to terms with it myself, first, I'll elaborate why I felt so down Thursday. Thursday  morning, I used the prescription from the derm for those white flakes I was getting near the front of my eyebrows. Previously in this journal, I talked about this insecurity (about my eyebrows in general, not the white flakes) but I didn't reveal that this was my biggest insecurity.

Let me explain why. About two years and a half ago, when I was slicing myself open and constantly googling ways to kill myself, and was just the lowest point i ever want to be in life: I had also gotten in to the habit of tweezing certain part of my eyebrow, the first third of it closest to the middle of my forhead (same place where I'm getting flakes) I had quite bushy eyebrows, and I thought if I could make them look 'good' then I would feel a little less down all the time. I did this to the point where its tough for the hairs there to grow back now, so it just doesn't look right. If only I left them as they were..  I was just so depressed all the time and I was searching in the wrong place to fix my depression. I was constantly thinking about what was wrong with myself that I could fix that was causing these feelings. I guess my mind just settled on my eyebrows. They were these bold blocks when I looked in the mirror that I could see immediate results from when I tried to shape them. So, I would constantly be tweezing and then I would be in this constant passive state because I was always waiting for the hairs to grow back. In hindsight, I could have gotten glasses with a black rim and tall lens, so that the brows would be covered up. Eh, didn't think of it back then. So, in my mind, the eyebrows got linked with all those negative feelings I was going through. After that, that area became extremely sparse. Its hard for the hairs there to grow back.

Time passed on, and as I went back to college, trying to get past depression, and make myself into who and what I wanted to be =) So, in that process I got into the habit of putting filler in the sparse part of it (the tweezing made it hard for hairs to grow back there) so I don't go looking like a bozo. Since I don't regularly take the filler off everynight, a bit stays in after I shower the next morning, so its rare that i see the eyebrows without any filler at all. The Thursday morning, i showered and applied the shampoo directly to that area, as the derm directed. So, I put it in there and wash it off. This obviously got rid of the all the filler powder. I get out of the shower, and look in the mirror and its like... whoooooshhhh my mind just drifts back to that place all those years ago. At that point, I mustered up the courage to schedule a microblading appointment in atlanta just to get it done with. - $175 bucks.

After doing so, I not only felt terrible about how I looked, but deep shame that I got that appointment scheduled. What kind of guy feels so bad about such a stupid issue? Its eyebrows, c'mon right? What kind of guy schedules an expensive appointment for that reason? But, what's wrong with wanting to look normal, to look 'right'? But no matter how I justify it, somewhere deep down still feel a deep tinge of shame. 

I tried to get rid of these feelings Thursday night, and just study through them. I somewhat succeeded. But this burden had left me exhausted, and my lack of sleep this week caught up to me, and I went to bed. Then, I missed my last two classes b/c I woke up late. Both take attendance, and my friend aggreed to sign me in for one of them. But.. just felt worse after that. So, Friday I ended up staying in bed pretty much for 10 hours reading manga. Oh, I watched porn too, just to get away from these feelings, resetting my FP to Day 0. *sigh* One thing I can be proud of though, is I didn't game =) 

However this vast amount of time reading manga wrecked my rescuetime stats for this week. This was gonna be one of my best weeks, less than 4 hours on entertainment all week until Friday! But now, up to 14~15. Making it one of my average to worst weeks. Oh well. I've never talked about these feelings in such an open way. I hope nobody reading this feels less of me, but I can't really expect that because I have a worse opinion of myself b/c of this issue. Anyway it feels nice to just get it out here in written format, and to see such a deep issue of myself in clearer light. Now, I'll redirect my efforts back on my finals. The microblading is next week, and hopefully that will fix this. If not, I'll revert to the idea of those glasses. If I can't even do that, I dunno. I'l think of something. But I think the microblading should do it. If that doesn't fix it, I'll live with it. I know I can, I just needed to get allll these thoughts out to reflect.

Anyway, I have so many plans this summer :) And I don't plan on this getting in the way.

Edited April 28, 2018 by Guest

[info-gatherer]

I feel you about that appearence concern. I think we should learn to accept ourselves, and that’s easy to say, but I’ve been constantly thinking about removing a tattoo I have on my arm in the last weeks. Can’t I just live with it? Is it so important? I won’t think less of you because you care about your appearence, nobody here will hopefully judge you. Looks are a social thing, a way to communicate with others, and it’s good to hear that we gaming freaks are learning how to communicate with other people in the way we prefer. Sorry for being so short and not elaborating more, really need to go now

[Guest]

Saturday,

Gaming Day 35, FP Day 1

 I cant bring myself to go back and read my last post or the replies yet =/ I will get to it tonight (Sunday) But, Saturday i studied 8.5 hours, woot. I meant to do 12 but I fell asleep. Hope to do at least 10 tomorrow (sunday) and 10 (monday) for my final is on Monday at 4 PM... the reason so many hours is necessary b/c its proofs "__" Guys save me. And the last section is combinatorics and probability... which i find really interesting but hate to be graded on x_x

[Guest]

Thanks so much guys @Dannigan @info-gatherer  t_t so happy to see such warm responses.

Sunday

Gaming Day 36

Studied quite a bit today! over 12 H >:D the longest I've every studied in 1 day... Exhausted...but also strangely energetic. Studied at home, with the family to keep me company. I've been teaching my doggie to walk =). He's learning tricks surprisingly fast, lol. From a mastery scale of 1 (doesnt know) to 5 (genius mastery) Sit (3/5) Fetch (3/5) Shake (4/5) Jump (3/5) Stay (2/5) Walk (in progress so 1/5 for now) .. I also want to teach him roll over ;P future trick.

my proofs final is tomorrow at 4. urgggh.. I feel i'm kind of ready and could secure a score in the range of C- to B- at this point. I'm so sick of studying doeeeeeee.... Its just this class is so heavy on the amount of materials we have to know... One thing I've been thinking this weeks is a high GPA really worth it? A lot of comp sci graduates don't even list their GPA, just their experience. I did plan to graduate with at least a 3.5. I'm constantly afraid of different courses grades dropping though so I end up giving my all to every course. e_e

if nothing else, pulling it together and putting so many hours in this sem helped strengthen the behavior of not overthinking stuff, just diving in and putting in your best.

Edited April 30, 2018 by Guest

[info-gatherer]

13 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

if nothing else, pulling it together and putting so many hours in this sem helped strengthen the behavior of not overthinking stuff, just diving in and putting in your best.

I don’t think “overthinking”, thinking too much, is a real thing. Getting obsessed, which is always thinking the same thing over and over without any progress, is undoubtedly real though, and that’s what people generally call overthinking. In this case, a dash of pragmatism helps indeed. Do, then think. If it works, it helps you think better as well. Just my opinion :)

[Guest]

Monday

Gaming Day 37 FP Day 1

Test went a - ok =] Another final tmrw.

back on cutting off the porn [hard .-.]. damn beartic, lol.

Edited May 1, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Tuesday

Gaming Day 38 FP Day 2

I may have gotten a 100 on that test   I was a bit late.. but my professor let me take it. She's so nice, I Just want to give her a hug xD When I handed her the test she just gives me the biggest smile everytime =) Bought a swim cap after the test, came home, and collapsed (aka slept)

 

Wednesday

Gaming Day 39 FP Day 3

Went swimming at 5:30. AND GUYS! I LEARNED (kinda) HOW TO BREATHE XD while doing my freestyle. So, for 20 minutes I walked back and forth across the shallow pool doing breathing drills. Then, I started trying to do it while swimming. Failed the first couple times, then I slowly started getting the hang of it. The feeling of accomplishing that was AMAZING. haha, I'm on such a high right now. Anywayyy gonna eat b.fast. My last final is tomorrow =))) Then this semester is over! I'll have 2 weeks before summer classes start :D

[Guest]

Thursday

Gaming Day 40 FP Day 4

As summer is starting, I started on one of the goals I promised myself: do some reading on A.I. I started with what I thought would be simple read, "The most Human Human: What Artificial Intelligence Teaches Us About Being Alive" - i'm about a fifth of the way in. Its about the Turing test, in which a panel of judges test different software programs and votes on if they're talking to a human or a computer. The book so far is about the difficulties that programmers face in making these kinds of programs, some breakthroughs that have happened in the past, and what quality it is about us that makes us 'unique'. I should probably start taking a few notes here and there, as there is a lot of information to digest.. :s final final today at 12 ;)

Update: Ok, just got back from swimming, and I have to say I'm pretty dissapointed in myself. I mean, I barely managed to swim 75% of the shallow pool. Breathing properly is still proving to be hard. =/ Well, whatever, I need to swallow my pride and go to the tryout today for the swimming team (really more casual where they teach you, but you need to be able to swim 15 meters, which is almost 50 feet... im not sure exactly how long that is sooo.... :I) Ugghghgghhg. Although, the guy I e-mailed said that even if I didn't make it, they could recommend some other lessons to me first.

At this point, I admit a part of me just wants to give up to do something easier but I couldn't do that. I have to go today. Edit: Ok. just watched aother video on the breathing, so I want to try at least once more using this before I try out. So lets move that try out to next week, while I practice in the mornings on my own. Ok no, you know what I'll try today ><

Something else I want to add in here is the temptation to game has been rising. 100% due to finals being done today after 12 and the semester ending. Doing my best to hold out against that as well.

Edit: ok.. results back for proofs final.. i got a 98% 0.0 .... >:D

Edited May 3, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Friday

GAMING DAY 41!!!! I think this is the furthest I've ever made it! :D

The temptation to game was EXTREMELY strong yesterday. I was at the precipice of relapsing. Someone tell me if I used that word wrong. I stuck thru it. Got 50 pages further into my book. Started the Odin Project on git + github, as I feel its time I learn. This is  one of the most productive times I've ever had on break. AND... I JOINED THE SWIM TEAM =D. The simple practice they gave me was very tough, but very rewarding at the same time. Breathing techniques finally started to make sense. I did some laps with a paddleboard and just kicking. My legs were burning in the end. So i'm officially part of this now and will be going to regular exercises. After that, I went to a lunch organized by my internship supervisors, a chance for all the students to meet each other and talk.

Something of note: I'm so proud of the fact that I went to swim today. Its all thanks to this forum for supporting me, pushing me and helping me to push myself. Over the moon right now, and now, really looking forward to what this summer will have in store for me. Looking forward to pushing myself in new ways.

Edit: mk so im in my closet right now. We have like 20 guests over. I can't handle it. I hate talking to such large groups of people. It feels extremely fake to me. Especially these older people. It seems like all they care about is what i'm studying in college. Idk if other people do it or its just more focused with Asians. like, there's more to me than that. Hell bent on avoiding them. The thing is, this is nothing new, I have a general distrust of people. Today though, I was willing to give it a chance. What triggered me is these fucking Asian people asking what my dog's name was to my parents and then laughing at it, I guess it was too much of an 'American' name for them. I left the house and went to read the book i'm getting through. Fuck 'em. At least the luncheon went well, and I did meet new people there that i liked. Now that I think about it, it was a large group too, over 20... so I guess I don't want to be bothered making connections outside of career related stuff / personal interests. These people are friends of my parents, and I don't see why I have to make an effort to befriend them. The only times I see them anyway is when they come over. I hate people's guts sometimes. Even the children, I don't want to get to know, because that would mean I would have to interact with their parents as well -_- I don't even want to leave my room to piss because I know i'll be fucking called over

Edited May 5, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Saturday

gaming day 42

i'm noticing a strong feeling of frustration welling up today, and some dissatisfaction. most likely an aftereffect of yesterday night. + I slept 20 hours, probably making up for the hours I missed during finals. So now that summers started, i'm gonna set a goal to attend as many of the swimming lessons as I can, and 2) to devote at least 8hrs a day to career goals (reading A.I books / comp sci books / taking online classes on these topics) Almost finished the book, i'm currently on. My goal is to finish it tonight.

[Guest]

Sunday

Gaming Day 43

No fap Day 1

Saturday 5.5/8 (career hours)

 

SORE! My upper body is sore, my legs are sore, my arms are sore... all from the swimming today. So today was the second swimming lesson. I learnt so much more. I met the director of the program today, who gave me some tips (there is also a coach I work with, but this was my first time meeting the director). The tip that made the biggest change is lean into the water with my chest.  My form improved a lot apparently =) from my lower body being too low in the water to more of a floating position in line with the water.  My next lesson is tomorrow.

Spent 5.5 hours yesterday learning stuff about computer science. Web development, through The Odin Project. A great resource for anyone who wants to start learning web development- here's the website for anyone interested https://www.theodinproject.com/courses?ref=homenav.  My ultimate goal for this process is to gain build at least a basic website by the end of the summer, and I want to take this No Fap a little more seriously, I tend to relapse when I'm extremely stressed as I was on Friday. We'll see how it goes. Hope everyone is doing well.

 

 

[Guest]

Monday

Gaming Day 44

No fap Day 2

Sunday study 3/7

Out of breath... had trouble breathing during swimming again. I'm slowly getting there.. but its a long process.

Temptation to game has been overwhelming lately. As I said, b/c summer and my mind feels like I could handle an hour or two of gaming instead of watching shows or something. In this moment of weakness all I can say is that I want to at least finish this detox. Changed my study goal to seven per day, felt more achievable for a start. Still though.. its been tough to try to fulfill that. I'll slowly ramp it up. Here we go for today.

Update: studied 4/7 hours today and finished my book. So, studying on my own is fun, but a little tough considering i'm by myself.. meaning theres no group or instructor with me. I I did some research and found a summer research oppurtunity in computer science, which I really want to take part in, it will require a time commitment, a minimum of 40 hours a week. I will apply to this, and if I get it, will drop my southern union course and solely focus on this, and learning some web development as I'm currently doing. If it goes south, I plan to enroll in an online course on machine learning while keeping the previous plans.

Ok Update2: Turns out the deadline has passed but the application was still open for some reason. I decided to put all my efforts in the web dev. Upon further thought, since I'm not sure if I'll go to grad school and pursue ML, I think this is a better course for me right now.  4hours / 7hours for the first weekday of the summer is not terrible though, so I'll give myself a pat on the back for that.

Edited May 8, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Tuesday

Gaming detox Day 45

Porn detox Day 3

 

4.0..  that was the number next to all my classes on my transcript for this semester. Which means I made all A's. I know I should be proud, but I feel sad, and anxious about the future. Just watched "God's Own Country", a romantic film. Didn't make me feel much better.. I'm tossing and turning in bed and can't fall asleep. Very anxious thoughts... for example, the feeling of me swimming in the pool and having a hard time breathing comes to mind. Part of me wants to text some of my old friends. but.. contacting them out of the blue.. it doesn't seem right. I just felt like I couldn't sleep till I posted this.. I also had a conversation with my family about gaming. I tried to convince myself I could handle gaming again and almost gamed today.

Its just a rough time right now, during a time when I should be relaxing. The semesters over, I did great, I have a plan for the summer, I'm swimming, I have an internship coming up in the fall, I have a roof over my head, good food, a family that loves me, I'm improving. SO WHAT'S WRONG? :( I DON"t KNOW.

I'm going to try to be social this week and see if that fixes it. That's the last thing I can think of. I don't know though.. because I did study at other places this weekend, and did talk to / meet some people. I feel like i'm clutching for something out of sight. My (old) best friends at my old college graduated. I'm in contact with one of them, but didn't contact the other. The study buddies I had this semester.. it doesn't feel right contacting them either. I have one person I kind of consider a friend here, maybe I"ll text that person. I'm hesitant. I've always felt like I'm not good enough to be friends with that person, hah or any of my old friends. haha, sometimes I feel like i post too much, then get anxiety coming back to look at my journal, even =//. Maybe I'll regret this in the morning, I don't know. Its 2:42 AM right now., so the day hasn't technically started, I geuss.

For some efforts at lifting myself up a bit: This Thursday .. maybe I'll go to a potluck which I initially really didn't want to go to. I don't know. If not that, I'll try to go to a board game meetup on Saturday, full of strangers. Maybe I'll meet some new people. maybe text some people i know.

[thehondasc00py]

Your system could be purging some stuff. Or your old habitual self is trying to trick you to return to a lower state of living (you hit your personal success ceiling). In any case the best course of action is to try and not place any real importance on the emotions, and not believe any of the arising thoughts. None are real, permanent or true. Remind yourself of this until you settle in your new circumstances.

Remember: feelings/emotional state = energy in the body  + mental talk/mental images. Nothing more. Split the emotion into these two components, divide and conquor. Some energy in the body is okay. Some mental thoughts are ok. It seems real and threatening but break it down and observe how ephemeral and and non-threatening the components really are, and you stop giving it power and control. Then it drops away.

[Guest]

Tuesday

No gaming Day 46

No porn day 3

 

Phew.... i'm fine now ~_~ just needed some time to cool down I guess. Talked to an old friend, texted another friend. Gonna attend board game meeting on saturday and also text a study buddy from this semester to see if they wanna go wimme. Swimming lesson tomorrow!! That's it for now.

[Guest]

Wednesday

Guess who improved in swimming?? My breathing and freestyle form are better :D Studied also. 

I relapsed was looking for some additional opportunities for the summer in compsci =/ just got overwhelmed by the difference between my resume and others, which drove me to relapse... :I I feel terrible but, gonna pick myself back up and start back where i left off.

I'm still lacking a way to calm myself down in these extremely stressful moments.. I did talk to someone for a couple hours but that didn't end up changing my thoughts too much...

[Natelovesboardgames]

26 minutes ago, BigOlBeartic said:

I'm still lacking a way to calm myself down in these extremely stressful moments.. I did talk to someone for a couple hours but that didn't end up changing my thoughts too much...

What kinds of things have you tried? One thing that helps me when I get all wound up is to write about what's going on. Something about the act of getting what i'm feeling onto paper helps me process it at the same time. 

Keep up the good work on the swimming! I really should start doing it again too.